community - "behavior"

8/6/2019 COMMUNITY - "Behavior"

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“BEHAVIOR OF THE HUMAN SUBCONSCIOUS”

Written by

Michael Lake

7/17/11



ACT ONE

FADE IN:

1. CLOSE UP ON: ABED‟S EYES AND LOWER FOREHEAD. HE‟S UNCONSCIOUS.

INTO:

1A. INT. ABED‟S MIND‟S EYE

A QUICK SERIES OF CUTS:

- BRITTA OPENING HER EYES, AND SCREAMING- FAT NEIL SLASHING AT PIERCE WITH A HOCKEY STICK- STARBURNS LIFTING A KEG INTO THE AIR AND THROWING IT- DEAN PELTON STRIKING A KUNG FU POSE- LEONARD, ON FIRE, SCREAMING- MAGNITUDE COVERED IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE BLOOD

MAGNITUDE(WEAKLY, AS IF HE‟S DYING)

Pop...pop...

CUT TO:

1B. INT. GREENDALE CAFETERIA - ABED‟S P.O.V

ABED OPENS HIS EYES. IT‟S BLURRY. JEFF, ANNIE, AND SHIRLEY SLOWLYCOME INTO FOCUS.

SHIRLEYAbed! Abed! Are you okay?

ANNIE

How many fingers am I holding up?ABED

Mmm?

JEFFI got this. How many “Police Academy” moviesare there? Who played the black President on“24”?

ABED7. 6 of them good. Dennis Haybert. Too easy,Jeff.

JEFF SMILES AND PATS HIM ON THE ARM.JEFF EXITS.

ANNIE AND SHIRLEY SECRETIVELY LEAN IN A LITTLE CLOSER TO ABED.

ANNIEHow‟d it go?

ABEDNot so good.



SHIRLEYNo?

ABEDNo. This is not a good day to be BrittaPerry. Or for that matter a number of lessimportant people on campus. What‟ve we done?

CUT TO:

2. INT. STUDY ROOM – DAY

SUPER: “A FEW HOURS BEFORE”

ABED, SHIRLEY AND ANNIE ARE HUDDLED INTO A CORNER OF THE ROOM,SPEAKING IN HUSHED VOICES. ABED IS WEARING A FEDORA AND A SUIT;SHIRLEY, A HAWAIIAN SHIRT; AND ANNIE, AN ORANGE STRIPED SHIRT.

ABEDAre you sure you want to help with this,Annie? Do I have your word?

ANNIEYes...

ABEDAlright. With your help, the extraction slashdistraction of my idea from Britta should bequite easy. However, what Shirley‟s asking meto do is potentially much more dangerous.

SHIRLEYWhy?

ABED

Implanting an idea INTO someone‟s brain isvery difficult. Much harder to pull offsuccessfully.

SHIRLEY...How so?

ABEDBecause it‟s the problem posed to ourprotagonist 15 minutes into the film and it‟salso the title. Try to keep up.

SHIRLEYBut you can do it, right? You can convince

Troy?ABED

I can‟t make any promises, but...yes.You guys got my back on this?

ANNIEOf course.

SHIRLEYWhatever you say.



ABEDAlright then. Let‟s perform this inception.

SMASH CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES – MODIFIED

THE THEME SONG ONLY GETS AS FAR AS THE LINE“GIVE ME SOME MORE / TIME IN A DREAM” THEN ABRUPTLY CUTS OUT.IT IS REPLACED BY THE TRACK “MIND HEIST” FROM “INCEPTION”.

OPENING CREDITS – CHRISTOPHER NOLAN STYLE

CUT TO:3. INT. GREENDALE HALLWAY – DAY

SUPER: “A LITTLE BIT BEFORE THAT”

JEFF WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY. HE SPOTS A BLONDE HEAD, CLAD IN A LEATHER JACKET, BOBBING DOWN THE HALLWAY. HE HURRIES TO CATCH UP.

JEFFHey, Britta, can I talk to you for a sec...?

REVEAL: IT‟S NOT BRITTA AT ALL, BUT RATHER CHANG IN A BLONDE WIG.HE TURNS TO FACE JEFF.

JEFF (CONT‟D) AAAAH! What the hell?

CHANGSorry, Jeff Winger. It‟s just me. Not yourslam-piece Britta.

JEFFC‟mon, Chang. Britta is not my “slam -piece”.

A BEAT. CHANG GIVES HIM A MEANINGFUL LOOK.

JEFF (CONT‟D) Okay. I guess technically speaking, she is.But I don‟t approve of that slang. Especiallynot from you.

CHANGYou can‟t tell me how to talk, Winger.Chang‟s down with the slang. I‟m even

thinking of starting my own Changuage.JEFF

Good Lord. Why are you wearing that?

CHANGWell, I don‟t know if this was covered inthis week‟s issue of Men‟s Health magazine...

JEFFMen‟s Health is monthly, but go on...



CHANG...It‟s Halloween today!

JEFFOnce more, with inflection. Why are you wearing that?

CHANGC‟mon. You don‟t know who I‟m supposed to be?

JEFF SHAKES HIS HEAD.

CHANG (CONT‟D) I‟m Bon Jovi!

A BEAT. JEFF CONTINUES TO STARE.

CHANG (CONT‟D) Bon Jovi! You know!(TO THE TUNE OF “WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE”)“I‟m a cowboy/ And some aliens I fight ...”

JEFFYou don‟t look anything like him.

CHANGOh, why? „Cause I‟m Asian?

JEFFSave it. I just mean it‟s a crappy costume.Bon Jovi never looked like that. The hair‟sall wrong.

CHANGYeah, well, you tell to me where to find a

good wig store in Colorado!LEONARD ENTERS, WEARING A VERY ILL-FITTING TOUPEE.

LEONARDI know a place! I buy them for a friend.

HE EXITS.

CHANG CONTINUES TO SING AND PLAY THE AIR GUITAR.

CHANG(TO THE TUNE OF “WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE”) “I‟m a cowboy / Like the chameleon “Rango”/

Morgan Freeman / Died in that film/Remind me/ What‟s that movie called?”

JEFFYou can ask Abed. I‟m on the way to see thegroup right now... (CATCHING HIMSELF)...Why the hell did I just tell you that?Ahh. Alright, let‟s go.

THEY WALK OFF DOWN THE HALLWAY TOGETHER, CHANG PRACTICALLYSKIPPING.



CUT TO:

4. INT. STUDY ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

ANNIE, SHIRLEY AND BRITTA ENTER TOGETHER. ANNIE‟S WEARING HERORANGE SHIRT AND PREGNANT PADDING; SHIRLEY, THE HAWAIIAN SHIRT.BRITTA, HOWEVER, LOOKS NO DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL. TROY, ALREADY

SEATED AT THE TABLE, IS READING A COPY OF “HARRY POTTER AND THEHALF-BLOOD PRINCE”. HE LOWERS THE BOOK, AND WE NOTICE HE‟SWEARING GLASSES AND A LIGHTNING BOLT SCAR.

TROYDONE! Whew, what an ending.

ANNIEHey Troy, what‟re you reading?

BRITTA What are you wearing?

TROY

The answer to both is “Harry Potter and theHalf-Blood Prince”. I had to finish the bookbefore the movie came out.

BRITTA “Half-Blood Prince”? That one‟s been out fora while.

TROYIt has? And nobody told me?!

ANNIEStill. It‟s a pretty great Harry Pottercostume, Troy.

TROYThanks. But let me stress I am specifically wearing “Harry Potter and the Half-BloodPrince”.

BRITTA What do you mean?

TROYDon‟t ask me how, but over the summer Ipulled off an epic prank which resulted in menow owning a pair of actor Alan Rickman‟sunderwear.

REVEAL: PIERCE, SITTING AT THE OPPOSITE END OF THE TABLE, ISREADING A COPY OF THE BOOK, TOO.

PIERCEAlan Rickman is the Half-Blood Prince?Sheesh, spoiler alert much?

HE SLAMS THE BOOK DOWN IN FRUSTRATION. THEN HE STARES AT ANNIE.



PIERCE (CONT‟D) Annie, when did you get pregnant?

ANNIEVery funny, Pierce. I‟m Juno.

PIERCE

Like the city in Alaska?

ANNIEHa. That‟s one of my favorite lines from the movie.

PIERCE NARROWS HIS EYES IN CONFUSION.

PIERCEI honestly have no idea what the hell isgoing on.

SHIRLEYTroy...so you‟re going to be Harry Potter

this Halloween?

TROYHarry Potter and a pair of Alan Rickman‟ssurprisingly roomy briefs, yeah.

SHIRLEYDid you think up Harry Potter all byyourself?

TROYWhat do you mean?

SHIRLEY

Don‟t you remember when I was Harry Pottertwo Halloweens ago?

TROYNo.

SHIRLEYOh, you don‟t, don‟t you?

TROYI don‟t. Must not have been a very goodcostume.

SHIRLEY FOLDS HER ARMS.

JEFF AND CHANG ENTER.

EVERYONE STARES AT CHANG, THEN LOOKS TO JEFF. HE GIVES ANAPOLOGETIC SORT OF LOOK. CHANG SIZES UP ANNIE.

CHANGDamn, Annie! Are you off the rhythm method?Good news for me.

THE GROUP GROANS.



BRITTA That‟s gross!

CHANGHey, I‟m just kidding. (POINTING TO ANNIE)I wouldn‟t Chang that with a ten foot pole.

ANNIERude!

CHANGOh, sorry. (ROLLING HIS EYES)A ten foot “Polish person”. Awesome Potter costume though, Troy.

SHIRLEY LOOKS ANNOYED AT THIS.

ABED ENTERS.

AS HE SITS DOWN, WE REALIZE THAT HIS HAIR IS SHOCKINGLY BLONDE.HE‟S ALSO WEARING A SUIT AND TIE.

PIERCEWhoa! Nice Deepak Chopra costume, Jeff!

JEFF GIVES A LITTLE WAVE.

JEFFI‟m over here, Pierce.

PIERCE DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE.

PIERCEHoly hell, it‟s Abed!

BRITTA (HALF TAKEN-ABACK, HALF IMPRESSED)Abed! Your hair is blonde!

ABEDThank you for noticing.

CHANG GIVES A LITTLE FLIP OF HIS WIG.

CHANG(UNDER HIS BREATH)Thank you for not noticing.

ABED

C‟mon. Guess who I‟m supposed to be.THEY ALL SHRUG, EXCHANGING LOOKS. WHEN NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING ...

ABED (CONT‟D) I‟m Cobb.

REVEAL: LEONARD STANDING IN THE DOORWAY.

LEONARDLike the salad?



ABEDClose. Like the main character from “Inception”.

LEONARD EXITS.

THE GROUP ALL NODS AND MAKES A COLLECTIVE SOUND OF REALIZATION.

TROYAbed, first off, awesome costume idea.But...forgive me... why didn‟t you do“Inception” for Halloween 2010?

ABEDI had to spend the extra year amassing allthis blonde hair dye. There‟s not a singlegood place to buy wigs in this city.

CHANG GIVES ANOTHER FLIP OF HIS.

CHANG

(AMAZED SOMEONE SHARES THE SAME VIEWS AS HIM)Right?

ABEDHalloween ‟94, I wanted to go as ForrestGump. I‟m still saving up for the white suit.I have it on layaway, though.

TROYThat is a sad story. We‟ll get you that whitesuit next year, Abed.

ABEDThanks, Troy. By the way, my compliments.

Best Potter costume I‟ve seen in years.SHIRLEY GIVES ANOTHER LOOK OF DISBELIEF AND ANNOYANCE.

DEAN PELTON ENTERS.

DEAN PELTONKnock knock!

JEFFCram it with the onomatopoeia. What do you want?

JEFF LOOKS UP, REALIZING THAT THE DEAN IS ONLY WEARING A PAIR OF

GREEN TIGHTS AND A RED SASH AROUND HIS HEAD. HE STRIKES A KUNG FUPOSE.

JEFF (CONT‟D)Oh my God! What are you supposed to be?

DEAN PELTONA sexy Ninja Turtle.



JEFFA “sexy” Ninja Turtle? You know what?Forget I just repeated what you said withthat inflection.

DEAN PELTONWell, I suppose you‟re right, Jeff Winger.

It‟s a bit redundant. The Ninja Turtles aresexy by definition. I mean, four incrediblychiseled men named after some of the mostinfluential people in history. Can you say“ménage-a-cinq?”

TROY“Ménage-a-cinq!”(AMAZED AT WHAT HE‟S JUST DONE) I just...I just spoke French!

DEAN PELTONAnyways, I just wanted to check in that myfavorite group of misfits is gearing up for

tonight‟s costume contest.

HE LOOKS AT CHANG.

DEAN PELTON (CONT‟D) Ooh. 80s Bon Jovi?

CHANG NODS. THE DEAN LOOKS AT JEFF.

DEAN PELTON (CON‟TD) Not sure. Current Bon Jovi?

JEFFSince when is Bon Jovi a popular Halloween

costume?CHANG

Have you ever BEEN to New Jersey?

THE DEAN NOW TAKES A GLIMPSE AT TROY.

DEAN PELTON (CONT‟D) I have to say, Troy, that I think you‟ll bethe front-runner. I‟m impressed. That is adead-on Harry Potter. See you tonight!

DEAN PELTON EXITS.

SHIRLEYI‟m sorry, everyone, can I just addresssomething? Why is everyone so in love withTroy‟s Harry Potter costume, when two yearsago I did the same thing and nobody evennoticed?

JEFFYou had the same costume. So what?



SHIRLEYThis isn‟t just a coincidence. Troy, youobviously stole my idea!

TROYWhat? No, I didn‟t!

SHIRLEYThis always happens in this group. I loveHalloween. I put so much effort into thinkingout my costumes. It all goes unnoticed. It makes me so angry!

TROYYou know what makes me angry? People whostill spell Halloween with an apostrophe!

SHIRLEYHuh?

TROY

Grow up, Shirley. It‟s just a costume.

SHIRLEYIt still bothers me. You‟re getting so muchpraise for something I already did. And thisyear, nobody‟s even guessed who I am yet.

ABEDHmm. I‟m not sure who you‟re supposed to be.Are you Tom Selleck if he shaved off hisiconic mustache?

SHIRLEYNo! I‟m Charlie Sheen!

EVERYONE IN THE GROUPS STARES AT HER. A BEAT.

SHIRLEY (CONT‟D) You know ... “Winning!” “Tiger Blood!”Et cetera.

ABEDOhhhh. The star of “Platoon” and the ex-starof “Two and a Half Men”.

SHIRLEYFinally! Thank you!

ABEDIt‟s sad how fast a legacy can fall.

CHANG“Two and a Half Men”? Isn‟t that how manyyou‟ve slept with in your life?

SHIRLEY GIVES HIM A LOOK.

SHIRLEYYep. You‟re the half.



CHANG GRABS HIS HEART, GENUINELY HURT.

CHANGOuch.

JEFFWell, while we‟re on the topic of crappy

Halloween costumes, I want to talk to youguys about something. I‟m not going to thecostume party as you may have noticed. And – you‟re all adults so I can‟t force you to doanything, but I‟d advise you to stay awayfrom the school party as well.

ANNIEWhy?

JEFFIn case you haven‟t noticed, home skillet,the last two parties hosted by this schoolhave been disastrous. I‟m staying away.

SHIRLEYBut we have to celebrate Halloween. I think we‟ve learned from our mistakes – wedefinitely won‟t mess up that badly again.

JEFFLook, I‟m more than happy to celebrate withall of you guys ...

HE GIVES A SIDEWAY GLANCE AT CHANG.

JEFF...Most of you guys...but we‟d have to do it

off campus. We can go to a bar, or a club orsomething. Let‟s just not repeat last year.

ABEDJeff‟s got a point. Sequels to horrors rarely work out. Look at the “Scream” franchise.

ANNIEI thought the third movie was okay.

ABEDMaybe. But the fourth one? Hmm. Talk aboutoverkill.

TROYOverkill! ...That wasn‟t as exciting.

BRITTA I‟m actually with Jeff on this one, too.(SMIRKING SLIGHTLY)I‟m not doing Halloween atall this year.



JEFFThank you, Britta. And it looks like Pierceis, for once, and I can‟t believe I‟m aboutto say this – being sensible. No Halloweenfor you either?

PIERCE

Oh! I forgot to put the damn thing on!

HE DIGS A LUDICROUS FAKE MUSTACHE OUT OF HIS BAG AND PUTS IT ON.

PIERCE (CONT‟D) Check out who I am!

THE GROUP SHRUGS AND SHAKES THEIR HEAD. PIERCE POINTS TO HISMUSTACHE.

PIERCE (CONT‟D) I‟m Mario!

TROY

The mustache is pretty good, but where‟s therest of your plumber costume?

PIERCEOh. No, no, no. I‟m Mario Van Peebles.

TROY‟S EYES BULGE.

ABED(NODDING)Ah. From “BAADASSSSS!” Five “s”s. Three “a”s.

PIERCEThat‟s the one.

TROYI am offended!

JEFFYeah, Pierce, maybe not your best idea...

TROYI am offended by how little effort you putinto that Mario Van Peebles costume!

JEFFOh.

TROYMario Van Peebles is, forgive the pun, abadass idea for a costume! You‟re not doingit justice at all!

ABEDThat being said, Super Mario himself would bea really good idea for a costume.



TROYYeah! It‟s like the best video game franchiseof all time!

ABEDBut alas, one of the worst movie franchises.

TROYI just had a crazy idea. Maybe halfwaythrough the day I‟ll switch costumes. Pierce,I‟ll be the Luigi to your Mario.

PIERCEBut I‟m not Super Mario! I‟m Mario VanPeebles!

TROYSo? We could‟ve made it a clever inside jokecostume! You could still go as Mario VanPeebles and I could go as...hmm...Luigi...Abed! Give me another famous person named

Luigi!

ABEDLuigi Boccherini, the composer? Or LuigiPirandello, the Nobel Prize winner forLiterature in 1934?

A BEAT.ABED (CONT‟D)

Luigi, the Chef from “The Simpsons?”

TROYExactly.

PIERCEA black Italian? What are you going to do...rob a spaghetti store?

PEYTON ENTERS.

PEYTON REID, A NERDY, BESPECTACLED FRESHMAN PEEKS HIS HEAD IN THEDOORWAY.

PEYTONHi. Sorry. Is this Culinary Arts 101? I justgot transferred to that class today, and Iheard you talking about spaghetti, so Ithought...

JEFFNo. I‟m sorry.

ABEDWait a second. Who are you?

ANNIEOh, I remember you from Orientation Day!How‟s it going?



PEYTONGood, thanks. But I‟m kinda lost.

ANNIEWe‟ll sort you out. What‟s your name again?

PEYTON

Peyton Reid.

ABEDWow. That‟s your name? Peyton Reed? Just likethe director of “Bring it On” and “The Break-Up?”

PEYTONYes. Spelled differently.

JEFFWell, I‟m sorry, but this isn‟t CulinaryArts. It‟s just down the hall.

PEYTONThanks.

HE‟S ABOUT TO LEAVE, BUT THEN ABED STANDS UP.

ABEDDon‟t leave!

JEFFWhy not? He‟s going to be late for class.

PEYTONYeah. I can‟t be late for class. We‟recooking with mushrooms today.

ABEDI have a hunch about this guy. Uncommon firstname, common last name. I don‟t know, a nerdysidekick like this could be very valuable tous!

PEYTONWatch who you call nerd, nerd.

ABEDHe‟s got sass, too! Please, Jeff, can we keephim?

ABED WALKS OVER TO PEYTON AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE ROOM, SETTINGHIM DOWN ON AN EXTRA CHAIR.

ABEDSit down. Familiarize yourself with thegroup. Think of some witty, snarky things tosay. Meanwhile, Britta and I have to discusssomething important. Britta, a word.

HE HEADS TOWARDS THE DOORWAY. BRITTA LOOKS SURPRISED AS ANYONE BYTHIS, BUT GETS UP AND FOLLOWS HIM.



CHANGOh! Abed! Before you go... I‟m trying toremember the name of a movie...It‟s got thatold white guy Clint Eastwood...

ABEDGran Torino? Million Dollar Baby?

Space Cowboys? Any of those. Sorry,Britta and I really have to run.

ABED AND BRITTA EXIT.

CHANGNo! Damn it!

PEYTON COUGHS LOUDLY. EVERYONE TURNS TO FACE HIM. HE SEEMSTERRIFIED BY THIS.

PEYTONI wasn‟t trying to draw attention to myself.I just had to cough.

JEFFOkay. So...Peyton. What‟s going on?

PEYTONAbsolutely nothing.

JEFFGlad we got that out of the way.

CUT TO:

5. INT. GREENDALE HALLWAY – SECONDS LATER

ABED WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY, NOT LOOKING AT BRITTA, EXCEPTIONALLYFAST AND DETERMINED. SHE STRUGGLES TO CATCH UP.

BRITTA Abed, what‟s this about?

HE PAUSES ABRUPTLY.

ABEDWhat are you going as for this Halloween?

BRITTA Uh, nothing. I told you guys.

ABEDTell me the truth. You‟re planning something.But you‟re hiding it. I can tell from your“Mona Lisa Smile”. I saw that movie seventimes.

BRITTA (STRUGGLING WITH HERSELF)Oh...alright. I think I can trust you. Youcan‟t tell anyone, but listen to this. Allday, I‟m going to pretend that I‟m not



BRITTA (CONT‟D) interested in Halloween. But little bylittle, I‟ll be curling my hair. I‟ve got a white dress under these clothes. By the endof the day, I‟ll be Marilyn Monroe! Cool,right?

ABEDVery cool, but you stole my idea.

BRITTA What?

BEFORE ABED CAN RESPOND, SHIRLEY CATCHES UP WITH THEM.

SHIRLEYAbed, I need to ask you something.

SHE NOTICES ABED GLARING AT BRITTA.

SHIRLEY (CONT‟D)

What‟s going on here?

BRITTA Fine, I‟ll tell you too. But you have topromise not to tell anybody else. I‟m –

ABEDBritta is pretending she‟s disinterested inHalloween only to reveal at tonight‟s costumecontest she‟ll be Marilyn Monroe.

SHIRLEYOoh. Did you hear that her dress went up forauction this summer?

LEONARD WALKS BY THEM.

LEONARDI know the guy that bought it!

ABEDBut this is all besides the point. Britta,I‟ll repeat. You stole my idea.

BRITTA What? Abed, don‟t tell me you were MarilynMonroe for Halloween.

ABEDHalloween 1997. But that‟s not even what I‟m talking about. Pretending you‟re notinterested only to reveal you were plottingsomething grandiose? That‟s exactly what Idid.

BRITTA When?



ABEDYou threw me that “Pulp Fiction” party and Itried to convince Jeff I wasn‟t interested in movies anymore only to reveal I was doing“Dinner with Andre”. Thief.

BRITTA

Abed, our two ideas are nothing alike.

ABEDOh, I‟ve heard that line before. From JustinTimberlake, when he was promoting “Friends with Benefits”. I‟m disappointed in you.

BRITTA STORMS OFF.

SHIRLEYAbed, I think you need to let that go.

ABEDWell, what I‟m actually planning on doing is

distracting Britta so badly that she‟lltotally forget this whole plan. In moredramatic words – I‟m extracting an idea from her brain. But never mind that now. What‟sup?

SHIRLEYCan you talk to Troy and get him to admitthat he got the Harry Potter idea from me?

ABEDSlow week for you, Shirley?

SHIRLEY

Yes. How‟d you know?ABED

Well, I think I can help you. It‟s difficult,but essentially what you‟re asking me to dois implant a new idea into Troy‟s brain.

SHIRLEYJust talk to him and get him to admit that he was wrong and I deserve all the credit...

ABEDDoing this to my best friend...It‟ll take aheavy heart. But I think I can pull it off.

For a payment of course.SHIRLEY

What kind of payment?

ABEDI‟ll settle for a bag of jellybeans.

A BEAT.



ABED (CONT‟D) What? It‟s Halloween.

CHANG RUNS UP TO THEM, VERY OUT OF BREATH.

CHANGAbed! Please! Please! Tell me the name of

this movie. It‟s got Gene Hackman in it...

ABEDI‟m busy right now.

CHANGPLEAAASE!

SHIRLEYWhy can‟t you just look it up on the IMDB?Internet Movie Data Bed? That‟s a thing,right?

CHANG

It‟s a long story, but I am no longer allowedon the Internet.

THEY DISAPPEAR BEFORE HE CAN SAY ANYTHING ELSE. CHANG FALLS TOHIS KNEES.

CHANG (CONT‟D) WHY? WHY CAN‟T I REMEMBER THIS NAME?!

LEONARD WALKS BY AGAIN.

LEONARDIt‟s okay. Happens to me sometimes.

CUT TO BLACK.END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

6. INT. GREENDALE HALLWAY – MOMENTS FROM WHERE WE LEFT OFF

BRITTA WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY, ALONE, STILL LOOKING PISSED. ANNIECATCHES UP WITH HER.

ANNIEThere you are. What‟s up?

BRITTA Abed is mad at me. He‟s under the impressionI stole his idea for my Halloween costume.

ANNIEI thought you said you weren‟t doingHalloween this year.

BRITTA Damn. Okay, fine. I‟ve got something verysecretive planned. But if Abed is going to be

this angry about it, I‟m not even sure it‟s worth doing.

ANNIEBritta, I‟m sure he‟ll get over it bytonight.

BRITTA Can you do me a favor? Keep an eye on him today. Figure out what he‟s up to. I don‟t want him to do anything too rash.

ANNIEThis is Abed we‟re talking about. He‟s your

friend. Really, what‟s the worst that couldhappen?

BRITTA I don‟t know. But I‟m pretty sure when Istormed away I heard him talking aboutextracting an idea from my brain. Play alonguntil you figure out what he‟s up to. Justdon‟t let him anywhere near me if I fallasleep in class today.

CUT TO:

7. INT. STUDY ROOM – LATER

JEFF, TROY, PIERCE, SHIRLEY, AND ANNIE FILE BACK INTO THE ROOM.WE SEE THAT PEYTON‟S ALREADY SITTING THERE.

PEYTONOh. Welcome back, guys.

JEFFWere you here the entire time?



PEYTONNobody told me I could leave. So, where‟d youguys go?

JEFFWe left for class...when the bell rang.

PEYTONOh no! Does that mean I missed my CulinaryArts class?

ANNIEYes. Sorry.

PIERCEAh well. Skipping class is all a part of thecollege experience. You‟ll learn that, kid.Speaking of which – I‟ve finally come to therealization of what I need in my life.

JEFF

Oh, really?

PIERCEI need to date a younger woman. See, I‟vealways dated OLDER women...

JEFFOlder than you? Didn‟t think that waspossible.

PIERCEIt‟s always gone wrong. So if I hook up withanyone tonight, they‟ll be younger than me.

JEFFHow much younger?

PIERCEI‟ve worked out a formula. It‟s the sameformula you use to calculate degrees Celsiusfrom Fahrenheit.

JEFFI think at your age, you need to use theKelvin scale.

NOBODY RESPONDS.

JEFF (CONT‟D) Does that joke work? I‟m not really a scienceguy.

ABEDHey guys, remember Nick Lachey‟s old boy band98 Degrees? Do you think they were referringto Celsius or Fahrenheit? Because 98Fahrenheit is hot but not unheard of...



TROYStick to movies and TV, please. I don‟t likethinking about things like this.

ABEDOh. I do have something pretty important todiscuss with you guys. Since Troy pointed out

to me that “Inception” indeed did have apretty tight time frame in which referencingit could be topical, I‟m no longer “Cobb” forthis Halloween. Instead, I‟m LeonardoDiCaprio from any of his movies. Moretimeless.

PIERCEHa! You‟re stupid and your mom is fat!

A BEAT. EVERYONE STARES AT HIM.

PIERCE (CONT‟D) What? It works in context.

ABEDClever. “Gilbert Grape”. People often forgetI was in that. But right now...

HE PRODUCES A FEDORA FROM OUT OF HIS BAG.

ABED (CONT‟D) I‟m “Shutter Island”.

JEFFRight...now that‟s settled... Pierce, Godforbid a younger woman actually wants to jumpin your corduroys, just do it off campus,

like I said. Please promise me you won‟t goto the school‟s costume party tonight.

PIERCEI promise. Mario Van Peebles never lies.

STARBURNS ENTERS.

STARBURNSHey guys! Pre-party in the cafeteria. Don‟task me how, but I got my hands on a keg!Starts in ten!

HE EXITS.

PIERCEWell, sounds like my prevening plans are set.

HE GETS UP TO LEAVE.

JEFFWhat? Pierce, you literally just told me you wouldn‟t go to any school parties.



PIERCEThis isn‟t a school party. It‟s a pre-party.

JEFFWhat‟s the difference?

PIERCE

More drinking, and less social pressure. I‟m out. I‟m taking the kid, too. Are you readyfor your first college pre-party?

PEYTONNo.

PIERCEWell, bully for you.

ABEDPierce, if you‟re taking Peyton, make sure hesays something funny or interesting. Youknow, observe as his character shifts from

nerdy and insecure to unrealized partyanimal.

PIERCEYou‟re getting on my nerves. I can‟t wait tilJohnny Depp burns down your house, Romeo!

PIERCE AND PEYTON LEAVE.

JEFFI hate to be “that guy”, but I have to stopthat party.

ABED

Pre-party.JEFF

Whatever! Pierce may be a lost cause, buthe‟s not corrupting that kid. And Starburnshosting a pre-party cannot be good news.Troy, can you come with? I need someone semi-sensible.

TROY(BEAMING) He called me semi-sensible!

JEFF AND TROY LEAVE.

ANNIEAbed, can I talk to you for a second?Britta‟s really upset...

ABEDSure, you can talk to me. You both can talkto me. In fact, I need you to. Let‟s talk.

HE STANDS UP AT SLINKS INTO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, HIS BACK TOANNIE AND SHIRLEY. THEY SEEM CONFUSED.



ABED(OVER HIS SHOULDER) DiCaprio rarely lookspeople in the eye when he‟s playing an actionhero. Come along.

THEY HUDDLE INTO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM WITH HIM.

ABED (CONT‟D) Annie. Do you think you can help me withsomething?

ANNIESure.

ABEDBefore tonight, I need you to find a way todistract Britta so badly that all traces of my idea that she stole from her are wipedfrom her mind.

ANNIE

By doing what?

ABEDI don‟t know, Juno, talk about whatever girlstalk about. Stir up something dramatic. A catfight would be good. Meanwhile, I‟ll convinceTroy to give Shirley full credit for hisHarry Potter costume.

SHIRLEYGood.

ABEDTime will be tight. We have to do all this

between Starburns‟s pre-party and the timethe actual costume party begins. That‟s whenthe cafeteria will be at its most chaotic,and if we pull off the extraction andinception at the same time people won‟trealize what we‟re doing.

ANNIESounds super complicated.

ABEDEh. We‟ll make it work. Are you sure you wantto help with this, Annie? Do I have your word?

ANNIEYes...

ABEDAlright. With your help, the extraction slashdistraction of my idea from Britta should bequite easy. However, what Shirley‟s asking meto do is potentially much more dangerous.



SHIRLEYWhy?

ABEDImplanting an idea INTO someone‟s brain isvery difficult. Much harder to pull offsuccessfully.

SHIRLEY...How so?

ABEDBecause it‟s the problem posed to ourprotagonist 15 minutes into the film and it‟salso the title. Try to keep up.

SHIRLEYBut you can do it, right? You can convinceTroy?

ABED

I can‟t make any promises, but...yes. You guys got my back on this?

ANNIEOf course.

SHIRLEYWhatever you say.

ABEDAlright then. Let‟s perform this inception.

ANNIEYou think the three of us can really pull

this off alone?ABED

We won‟t be alone. I‟ve got somebody else inon this plan.

SHIRLEYWho?

ABEDI‟m sorry, but I can‟t tell you who. However.I trust he‟s on our side. I‟ve got certaininformation he needs, and I‟m willing to givethat to him in exchange for helping us. In

fact, he‟s even been listening to our entireconversation. Now, come. Off to find Brittaand Troy. We‟ve got some groundwork to lay.

THE THREE OF THEM EXIT.

REVEAL: CHANG HAS BEEN HANGING UNDER THE TABLE THIS WHOLE TIME.LITERALLY HANGING ONTO THE UNDERSIDE OF THE DESK. HE DROPS TO THEGROUND GRACEFULLY AND BEGINS SCOURING THE ROOM.



CHANG(TO THE TUNE OF THE “SPIDER-MAN” THEME) “Spider-Chang / Spider-Chang/Covering songs is my new thang...”

WE HEAR FOOTSTEPS.

CHANGMy spider senses are Changling!

HE HIDES UNDER THE TABLE AGAIN.

BRITTA ENTERS.

UNDER THE IMPRESSION SHE IS ALONE, SHE FINDS AN OUTLET AND PLUGSA CURLING IRON INTO IT. SHE CURLS A LOCK OF HER HAIR, AND SETS A ROLLER INTO IT. THEN SHE SITS AT THE DESK AND CLOSES HER EYES,APPARENTLY SLEEPING IN AN UPRIGHT POSITION. CHANGE RE-EMERGESFROM UNDER THE DESK. HE TAKES A LOCK OF HIS WIG, AND HOLDS IT UPTO BRITTA‟S HEAD. SENSING SOMETHING, SHE OPENS HER EYES ANDSCREAMS.

BRITTA CHANG! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

CHANGI‟m just comparing my wig to your hair!

BRITTA WHY?

CHANGI want to know why Jeff Winger confused me with you.

BRITTA What are you talking about?

CHANGJeff thinks that you and I look the same from the back of the head.

DISTRACTED, NEITHER OF THEM NOTICE LEONARD HAS ENTERED THE ROOM.HE TOUCHES THE TIP OF THE CURLING IRON TO THE TOP OF HIS WIG.

BRITTA Chang, why were you under the desk?

CHANG

Oh, like I‟d blow my cover that easily.I‟m sworn to secrecy.

BRITTA You are so weird.

CHANGTorture me with name-calling if you like, I will never betray Abed!



BRITTA Abed? Abed put you up to this?

LEONARD SCREAMS. WE SEE HE‟S ON FIRE. CHANG AND BRITTA SCREAM TOO. BRITTA REACHES FOR THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER,BUT BEFORE SHE DOES, LEONARD STOPS SCREAMING. HIS HEAD

IS SMOKING – ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS HIS WIG BURNED.

LEONARDOh no! My real hair burned up!

CUT TO:

8. INT. GREENDALE HALLWAY, JUST OUTSIDE THE CAFETERIA - LATER

PIERCE AND PEYTON APPROACH THE DOOR.

PEYTONWait a second...Pierce. I haven‟t got acostume.

PIERCE RIPS THE SLEEVES OFF HIS SHIRT.

PIERCEThere. Now you‟re the Jewish Bon Jovi.

THEY OPEN THE DOOR AND GO IN.

8A. INT. GREENDALE CAFETERIA – CONTINOUS

STARBURNS CHUGS A CUP OF BEER AS PEOPLE CHEER HIM ON. FAT NEILAND VICKI ARE STANDING BY THE PUNCH BOWL. FAT NEIL IS WEARINGHOCKEY PADS, CLUTCHING A STICK, AND VICKI IS DRESSED AS A PRINCESS.

FAT NEILSo...do you like...books?

VICKII like books.

FAT NEILI like books too. What kind of books?

VICKIShort books.

STARBURNS NOTICES PIERCE.

STARBURNSPierce! You came! This party is going to beoff the hook. Did you know you can order apizza to a school? That‟s badass!

PIERCEThank you for noticing.

HE NOTICES FAT NEIL.



PIERCE (CONT‟D) Hey, Fat Neil! How‟s it going? What is this,your costume?

FAT NEILYeah. I‟m the hockey player Eddie Bauer.I...Didn‟t have a lot of money for Halloween

this year.

JEFF AND TROY ENTER.

JEFFStarburns! You have to stop this party.

STARBURNSOh, you think just because you‟re handsomeyou can boss me around?

TROYHe‟s right. Parties at this school always endup terribly.

STARBURNSFor the last time, this isn‟t a party. It‟s aPRE-party!

LEONARD AND CHANG ENTER.

LEONARD PULLS A DREIDEL OUT FROM HIS POCKET AND SPINS IT ON A TABLE.

LEONARDHappy Hanukkah!

STARBURNS

No, Leonard! Put that thing away. Hanukkahdoesn‟t start for another month. Or maybetwo. I don‟t know, you people are alwayschanging the date.

LEONARD STOWS THE DREIDEL BACK IN HIS POCKET.

ABED, ANNIE, AND SHIRLEY ENTER.

ABED(QUIETLY) Look, there‟s Troy. Since he‟s mybest friend I think I can accomplish part oneof my plan quite simply right now. First Ineed Troy to come to the realization he

doesn‟t want to be Harry Potter forHalloween. Later, we‟ll get him to admit thatit he knew it was your idea all along,Shirley.

ANNIEAbed, I really need to ask you something.You‟re really smart, but... “Inception” isjust a movie. Do you really think it‟spossible to plant an idea in someone else‟sbrain?



ABED

Actually, yes. Christopher Nolan did asignificant amount of research while writingthe screenplay. You know that little momentof limbo you experience right before you wakeup when you‟re still dreaming but things in

the outside world can influence your dream without you perceiving what they actuallyare? I‟m pretty sure I can convince Troy while he‟s still awake. But if Britta proves more difficult, we wait for her to fallasleep, and I whisper in her ear that shestole her costume idea from me. When she wakes up, that‟s all she‟ll be thinkingabout.

SHIRELYAbed. Are you a serial killer?

ABED

Shh. He‟s here.

TROY APPROACHES THEM.

TROYHey guys. I decided I‟m going to switchcostumes for tonight‟s party. I‟m going intotown to buy a Luigi costume. Can I pickanything up for you?

ABEDNo, we‟re cool.

TROY STARTS TO WALK AWAY. ANNIE AND SHIRLEY EXCHANGE LOOKS.SHIRLEY

Abed! Don‟t you realize what this means?

ABEDNo, but by all means contribute something tothe conversation, Shirley.

SHIRLEYTroy just said he‟s not going to be HarryPotter for Halloween. That‟s half the jobdone! If you can just get him to say that Igave him the idea, we‟re done with Troy and

we can just focus on Britta.ABED

Shirley, that is the smartest thing you‟veever said.

ABED CATCHES UP TO TROY.

ABED (CONT‟D) Troy! Can I talk to you about something?



TROYYeah.

A BEAT.

TROY (CONT‟D) Can it wait? I need to get to the costume

store before it closes.

ABEDStakes are rising...stakes are rising!No! It has to be right now.

TROYWhy? I‟ll be back.

ABEDTroy, you know I appreciate a good“Terminator” reference as much as anybody,but now‟s not the time. There‟s somethingserious I need you to do. Right now.

TROYWhat?

ABEDBefore you go, I‟d like you to admit that you were wrong and a liar. I‟d like you to giveShirley some recognition for originating inyou the totally unique idea of being HarryPotter for Halloween.

TROYWhat? No!

ABEDYes.

TROYNo.

ABEDYes.

TROYNo.

ABEDYes!

TROYNO!

ABEDAlright, I tried.

HE WALKS AWAY FROM TROY, TO SHIRLEY AND ANNIE, WHO BOTHLOOK DISAPPOINTED.



ABEDInception!

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE

9. INT. GREENDALE CAFETERIA – CONTINOUS

JEFF CONTINUES TO STARE DOWN STARBURNS, WHO‟S SURROUNDED BY THE“COOL” STUDY GROUP.

JEFFAs much as I don‟t want to do this, I willcall The Dean if you don‟t call off thisparty.

STARBURNSYou have The Dean‟s cell phone number? Oooh.“Jeff and The Dean...sittin‟ in a tree ...A-S-S-F-I-N-G...”

PIERCE, PEYTON, FAT NEIL, AND VICKI STAND ON THE OTHER SIDE OFTHE ROOM. PEYTON SIPS FROM A PLASTIC CUP.

PIERCE

How you holding up?

PEYTONI‟ve only had two beers in my life, and bothof them have been tonight!

PIERCE MOVES TOWARDS VICKI.

PIERCESo...do you like books?

VICKII LOVE BOOKS!

FAT NEIL LOOKS SAD.JEFF

How did you even get into the cafeteria,anyway?

STARBURNSJanitor let me in. A few of them are tryingto bring down the school from the inside, sothey don‟t care what us kids do.

A JANITOR WALKS BY, SHOTGUNNING A BEER.

ABED APPROACHES CHANG, WHO HE‟S JUST NOTICED IS THERE.

ABEDChang! What are you doing? Why are you here?

CHANGI just came to pre-party, bro.

ABEDYou‟re supposed to be keeping an eye onBritta for me.



CHANGOh. I dropped the balls on that.

ABEDDo your job, or I won‟t tell you the title ofthat movie.

CHANG(GASPS) YOU PROMISED!

ABED GIVES HIM THE DEATH STARE. CHANG WALKS FROM ABED AWAY JUSTAS ANNIE AND SHIRELY APPROACH HIM.

ANNIEChang is your other man?

ABEDWell, like Shirley said, he‟s only half a man. I‟m not impressed with him at all. Butyes. He‟s on our side.

SHIRLEYYou think you can trust Chang?

ABEDYes.

ANNIEYou gave him the job of tailing Britta? Moreimportantly, do you think you can trust him not to be creepy about that?

ABEDWhatever. You see, when I noticed Changgetting distressed he couldn‟t remember the

name of that 1992 cowboy film, I extortedhim. I sent him a text message, telling him that if he helped us, I‟d tell him the film‟stitle tonight.

ANNIEI think just in case Chang double-crosses us,or if he were to try anything while they‟realone together, we should go find Britta forourselves.

ABEDGood thinking. But I just have one question.It‟s bothering me. Do you think we‟ll

succeed? How did the movie version of“Inception” end?

A BEAT. SHIRLEY AND ANNIE CAN‟T BELIEVE WHAT ABED JUST ASKED.

SHIRLEY...You‟re asking US?

ABEDYes.



SHIRLEY...They performed the inception.

ABEDOh. Okay.

ANNIE AND SHIRLEY BOTH GIVE ABED A SKEPTICAL LOOK.

ABED (CONT‟D) Only movie I‟ve never watched all the waythrough. Didn‟t understand all the fuss.

ANNIEYou don‟t even like “Inception”, but it wasthe basis of your Halloween costume?

ABEDOh, no. The premise was great. Best premisein years. But the execution? Hmm. I‟ve seencleaner executions from a guillotine.

ON HIS WAY OUT OF THE GYM, WE SEE CHANG‟S DISTRACTED AGAIN. NOWHE‟S DRINKING A BEER WITH PIERCE AND COMPANY. ABED AMBUSHES HIM.

ABED (CONT‟D) CHANG! What are you still doing here?

CHANGAlright, I‟m going! But for the record,Pierce, it‟s kind of sick that you‟re hittingon a woman this much younger than you.

FAT NEILHitting on?

PIERCEI‟m not hitting on anyone!

CHANGDid you, or did you not just ask her what herfavorite book was?

PIERCEI was merely being polite. I may be a flawedperson, but I‟m not a monster. Besides,everyone knows Fat Neil likes Vicki.

VICKIIs that true?

FAT NEIL DOESN‟T ANSWER. HE‟S SHAKING WITH RA GE.

CHANGFat Neil, when I was being my new characterSpider-Chang, I overheard Pierce talkingabout how he thinks he needs to date ayounger woman. He‟s moving in on your Vicki!



PIERCEYou little crap disturber. Yes, I did saythat, Fat Neil. But in terms of girlfriend material, Vicki here isn‟t even in my topten. You can trust me, Fat Neil.

FAT NEIL

Stop...calling me...Fat...NEIL!

HE SLASHES AT PIERCE WITH HIS STICK. PIERCE DODGES IT.

PIERCEWhoa! Calm down!

FAT NEILI‟ve had enough of you, Pierce. I put up withit when you almost ruined my favorite game,“Dungeons and Dragons”, forever. I put up with you constantly calling me “Fat Neil”. But you are not hitting on Vicki.

PIERCEI wasn‟t. Say, when you get married, does shechange her name to Fat Vicki?

FAT NEIL TAKES ANOTHER SWIPE.

PIERCE (CONT‟D) I was only joking! Jesus!

JEFF, NOTICING THE FIGHT, TURNS HIS ATTENTION AWAY FROMSTARBURNS, AND TOWARDS THEM INSTEAD.

JEFFWhat is going on here?

ABEDClassic video game boss showdown stuff.Mario versus Bauer.

PIERCEFat Neil is mad at me because he thinks I‟m moving in on his girlfriend. But I wasn‟t,Fat Neil!

FAT NEILSTOP CALLING ME FAT NEIL! I HAVE A NAME! IT‟SARMESTRONG, DAMMIT! ARMESTRONG!

A BEAT.JEFF

Your name is Neil Armstrong ?

FAT NEILYes. Spelled differently.



JEFF

Well, Mr. Armstrong. I know Pierce hasn‟t made life the easiest for you in the past,but lay off for a second. Pierce may have alot of faults, but he‟s not a monster.

PIERCEThat‟s what I said!

JEFFPierce, were you hitting on Vicki?

PIERCENO!

JEFFOddly, I believe him. Because whatever he is,Pierce Hawthorne is never one to deny he‟s moving in on any chick. Neil. Vicki. You andI and all of us know that you guys like each

other, so just get on with it. Be happy.If there‟s one man you should be angry at,it‟s a man so miserable and malcontent withhis own life he finds it necessary to makeothers suffer. A man named Ben Chang! Don‟tyou guys see? He‟s egging you on! All he wants is a rise out of you.

HE POINTS DRAMATICALLY AT CHANG. CHANG BOWS HIS HEAD.

CHANGThat was so mean, Jeff. But even I have toadmit that I‟m at fault here. Pierce, FatNeil, can you forgive me? Am I forgiven?

FAT NEILSure.

PIERCENo.

CHANGWhat‟s that now?

PIERCENo. What you did was immature and jerk-ish.I‟m not a bad guy. This year I‟m trying toturn over a new leaf, and put a little more

consideration towards people. So what you did was awful. You‟re not forgiven.

CHANG“Not Forgiven.” “Not Forgiven”...

A BEAT OF REALIZATION.



CHANG (CONT‟D) “NOT FORGIVEN”! That‟s what that movie‟scalled! Suck it Abed! I don‟t need youanymore! Hahahaha!

HE RUNS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

ABEDCatch him! Catch him! We can‟t find Britta without him!

JUST AS CHANG REACHES THE DOOR, IT OPENS, KNOCKING HIM OFF HISFEET. HE‟S UNCONSCIOUS.

BRITTA ENTERS.

ABED (CONT‟D) Oh. There she is.

HER HAIR IS IN ROLLERS. SHE WALKS UP TO ABED.

BRITTA Abed. I know you‟re mad at me. But can wetalk?

ABEDYes. Of course. How else do you think we‟regoing to make the rest of the plan work?

BRITTA ...What?

JUST THEN, STARBURNS YELLS. HE LIFTS A KEG INTO THE AIR.

JEFF

What the hell?STARBURNS

THIS PARTY SUCKS NOW! THANKS A LOT, JEFFWINGER!

JEFFWhat you are you doing?

STARBURNS TOSSES THE KEG INTO THE AIR. EVERYONE BACKS AWAY,EXCEPT FOR ABED.

BRITTA Abed! MOVE!

ABED(QUIETLY, TO HIMSELF)Donkey Kong.

SUPER SLOW MOTION. THE KEG FLIES INTO THE AIR, HITS ABED, ANDKNOCKS HIM UNCONSCIOUS. THE KEG BOUNCES. AS THE GROUP MOVES OUTOF THE WAY AGAIN, THE KEG SHATTERS THE TABLE WITH THE PUNCH BOWL,WHICH COLLAPSES AND SPILLS ALL OVER MAGNITUDE. NORMAL SPEEDRESUMES. MAGNITUDE‟S TRAPPED UNDER THE WRECK.



MAGNITUDE(WEAKLY, AS IF HE‟S DYING)Pop...pop...

HE CLOSES HIS EYES.

PIERCE

Pop pop? You think he‟s got granddaddyissues?

A FEW STUDENTS HURRY TO HELP MAGNITUDE. THE STUDY GROUP MAKESTHEIR WAY TOWARDS ABED. BRITTA REALIZES SHE‟S STUCK UNDER SOME OFTHE WRECK TOO. SHE STANDS UP, BUT AS SHE DOES SO, HER PANTS ANDSHIRT RIP OFF IN ONE FLUID MOTION. THIS REVEALS HER MARILYNMONROE DRESS.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM CHANG STIRS, THEN GETS TO HIS FEET.HER DRESS IS THE FIRST THING HE SEES.

CHANGHello, Dolly. Dolly Parton. I think.

JEFFHe‟s unconscious! Let‟s do something.

CHANGYour sympathy is too late, Jeff Winger.

JEFF‟S JUST NOTICED CHANG HAS GOTTEN UP.

JEFFNot you.

CHANGFine.

SUDDENLY, THEY ALL LOOK AROUND AS A GREAT GUST OF WIND STARTSSWIRLING THINGS AROUND THE CAFETERIA. BRITTA GASPS AS HER DRESSLIFTS UP, “THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH” STYLE.

REVEAL: LEONARD HOLDING A DESK FAN. HE LAUGHS PERVERTEDLY ATBRITTA‟S DRESS.

JEFFDamn it, Leonard! Turn that thing off!

JEFF DROPS TO HIS KNEES NEXT TO ABED, AND STARTS POUNDING THEFLOOR.

JEFF (CONT‟D)ABED! ABED! CAN YOU HEAR ME?

CUT TO:10. INT. ABED‟S MIND, PURGATORY – SAME TIME

ABED FINDS HIMSELF PACING DOWN A BLACK, NONDESCRIPT HALLWAY.HE STOPS WHEN HE FINDS HIMSELF FACING SOMEBODY WHO LOOKS EXACTLYLIKE HIM. IN FACT, IT IS HIM.



ABEDWho are you?

DREAM ABEDI‟m you.

ABEDWhere are we? What‟s happening? I‟m not used

to asking this many questions at a time, soyou better have answers!

DREAM ABEDWell, Abed. You‟ve done it. You‟vesuccessfully betrayed your friend Britta.Over a Halloween costume. A very prettyMarilyn Monroe costume at that. She now feelsas awful as you think she should feel oversupposedly stealing your idea.

ABEDI never wanted her to feel awful. I just wanted to distract her until she forgot about

stealing my idea.

DREAM ABEDYou still managed to do damage to her psyche.Does it matter how much?

ABEDYes. Yes, it does matter very much, me! I wanted to perform an extraction, not aninception! It backfired!

DREAM ABEDWill you admit you failed?

ABEDSadly, yes.

DREAM ABEDAnd, as your punishment for failure, will youallow Britta to wear her Marilyn Monroedress, consequence free? You can still havethat bag of jellybeans Shirley offered you.

ABEDYes. Yes, me. That sounds fair.

DREAM ABEDThat‟s settled then. Just one more thing.

I‟m not you.ABED

What? What? What? What?

DREAM ABED SHIFTS SLOWLY INTO BRITTA.

DREAM BRITTA I‟m me.



ABEDBritta? How? How? How? How?

SHE SMIRKS, BUT DISAPPEARS WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD. DREAM VERSIONSOF SHIRLEY AND ANNIE APPROACH ABED.

DREAM ANNIE

Hi Abed.

ABEDHow‟d you two get into my dream?

DREAM SHIRLEYWe fell asleep.

ABEDI want you to know that even though myinception on Troy and my extraction of Brittaboth failed, I‟ve come out a better personfor it.

DREAM SHIRLEYThat‟s nice.

ABEDWhat I want you to do is, even though youknow I‟m alright, is when I wake up, topretend to be worried for my well-being.Then, ask me just loudly enough how it went.I‟ll explain it you just dramatically enoughfor Britta to hear, she‟ll think it‟s stillon, and then, I can give the real life Brittaa proper apology.

DREAM SHIRLEY

Whatever you say, Abed.ABED

Cool cool cool cool cool.

CUT TO:

11. INT. GREENDALE CAFETERIA – SECONDS LATER

ABED OPENS HIS EYES. THE SCENE IS SET AS WE SAW IT EARLIER – JEFF, ANNIE AND SHIRLEY SLOWLY COMING INTO FOCUS. ONLY ONEDIFFERENCE – BRITTA LEANS IN ON ABED, TOO. SHE WHISPERS IN HISEAR.

BRITTA Abed. Meet anyone interesting while you wereout?

ABEDBritta, I owe you an apology.



BRITTA I accept your apology in advance. Because Iplanted it there in the first place. Whetheryou thought I was stealing from you or not, I was not wasting this Monroe dress, it cost

$150.

ABEDHow did you know that inception was actuallypossible?

BRITTA You shouldn‟t have left that Wikipediaarticle on Christopher Nolan open on yourlaptop.

SHE WINKS AT HIM. ANNIE STARTS ASKING ABED IF HE‟S ALRIGHT.

TROY ENTERS, DRESSED AS LUIGI, CARRYING A FEW BAGS.

TROYHey, pre-party people! Mamma Mia!Not the play.

HE NOTICES EVERYONE HUDDLED TOGETHER AND STARTS WALKING THERE.

OFFSCREEN, WE HEAR JEFF ASKING ABED THE “POLICE ACADEMY” AND “24”QUESTIONS FROM EARLIER. JUST AS TROY APPROACHES ABED, WE HEAR THETAIL END OF ANNIE, SHIRLEY, AND ABED‟S CONVERSATION FROM EARLIER.

ABEDNo... This is not a good day to be BrittaPerry. Or for that matter a number of less

important people on campus. What‟ve we done?SHIRLEY

What do you mean?

ABEDWhen I was on the other side, I had a vision.I saw terrible things – Neil getting violent.The Dean doing Kung Fu. Magnitude giving what was quite possibly his last “Pop pop”. It wasthe future I was seeing. It was totally“Inception”. I think. Haven‟t seen theending, but that would have been a cooltwist.

ANNIEThat wasn‟t how it ended. Also, Abed, thosethings you were seeing weren‟t the future.All of those things already happened.

ABEDThey did?



ANNIEYes. So what you were doing wasn‟t“Inception” at all. Experiencing visions oftrivial moments via flashback is more...HarryPotter.

TROY

Did somebody say...Harry Potter?

TROY LIFTS UP ONE OF THE BAGS, REVEALING HIS HARRY POTTER OUTFIT.

ABEDTroy! You‟re back!

TROYI am back. While I was in the greater city ofGreendale, I came to a realization. Yousee...

HE TURNS TO MORE PEOPLE IN THE CAFETERIA, AND GESTURES THEM OVER.HE‟S CLEARLY MUGGING FOR ATTENTION.

TROY (CONT‟D) I am just so great. I‟m awesome. You guys allknow it and you lauded praise on me for myawesome Harry Potter costume. But I‟m notjust one guy. I‟m one half of a very coolfriendship. I‟d rather have a collaborativecostume with my best friend than even thebest Harry Potter costume. So, Shirley, I want you to be Harry Potter this year. And we‟ll all enjoy you being so.

HE HANDS HER THE OUTFIT.

SHIRLEYThank you, Troy! I‟d rather be Harry Potteragain than Charlie Sheen. You know how manyfreshmen tried to buy weed from me todaybecause I was wearing this shirt?

ABEDTroy, I think it‟s great you came to thisrealization on your own. Annie, Shirley and Ididn‟t even have to carry out part two of ourplan.

A BEAT. TROY DOESN‟T SAY ANYTHING.

ABEDHmm. Troy, I was expecting you to say “Whatplan” right there.

TROYWhy?



ABEDTroy, I can‟t lie to you. Until you had madethat impassionate speech, Annie, Shirley andI were planning on planting the idea youstole your Harry Potter costume from Shirley

in your brain.

TROYWhat? You tried to incept your best friend?I don‟t believe it!

ABEDWell, I can make you believe it. That‟s thepower of inception.

TROYTouché. I can speak French now.

THEY DO THEIR FRIENDSHIP HANDSHAKE.

TROY (CONT‟D) Here, I got you a Mario costume to match myLuigi.

ABEDBut I‟m Leonardo DiCaprio this year.

TROYEh, it wasn‟t your best.

HE HANDS HIM THE MARIO OUTFIT. ABED ACCEPTS IT.

ABED

Thanks for your honesty. I‟ll change into itlater.

TROYThat‟s cool.

12. INT. GREENDALE CAFETERIA – A BIT LATER

THE DEAN WALKS INTO THE CAFETERIA WITH TWO CAMPUS SECURITY GUARDSWHO QUICKLY CUFF STARBURNS.

STARBURNSNo! You guys are fascists!

DEAN PELTONOverage drinking? I expect this from a lot ofpeople, but not from you, Alex! You‟re goingto spend 30 days in rehab.

STARBURNSIsn‟t that a little harsh?

A BEAT.



DEAN PELTONYes. You‟re right. Un-cuff him, boys.

FAT NEIL AND VICKI ARE MORE OR LESS IN THE SAME PLACE THEY‟VEBEEN STANDING THE WHOLE TIME.

FAT NEIL

So...do you like magazines?

VICKICan the small talk. Was what Pierce and Jeffand all of them saying true? About ... us?

FAT NEILWell...yeah.

SHE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK.

VICKIFrom now on, you‟re Phat Neil. With a “Ph”.

FAT NEILAwesome! I can‟t wait to tell my olderbrother Louie!

ABED APPROACHES PIERCE.

ABEDPierce! The “Revenge of the Nerds” fan insideof me needs to know. Has Peyton turned into aloudmouthed, perverted party animal yet?

PIERCETake a look for yourself.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, PEYTON AND ANNIE ARE BOTH IDLINGBY THE WALL. PEYTON TAKES A SIP OF BEER, AND STAGGERS TOWARDSHER, MOUTH OPEN, AS IF ABOUT TO KISS HER. SHE DOESN‟T EVENNOTICE, AND WALKS AWAY. PEYTON THROWS UP.

ABEDHe‟s on his way. We‟ll have him back.

THE STUDY GROUP COMES TOGETHER. EVERYONE FINDS THEIR GROUP OFFRIENDS AND HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

TROYHey, everybody! Let‟s go home!

A FEW PEOPLE LAUGH CHEESILY. JEFF NARROWS HIS EYEBROWS.JEFF

It‟s like, two o‟clock right now. We eachhave one more class to go to.

TROYOh. Right.

EVERYONE FILES OUT. THE CAFETERIA‟S NOW EMPTY, EXCEPTFOR LEONARD. DECIDING THAT HE IS ALONE, HE PULLS THE



DREIDEL OUT OF HIS POCKET AGAIN. HE SPINS IT ON THETABLE.

LEONARDHappy Hanukkah!

ANGLE ON THE DREIDEL SPINNING, AS IT GETS SLOWER AND

SLOWER...

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF ACT THREE



TAG

INT. A BED‟S ROOM – NIGHT

ABED AND TROY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH DRESSED AS MARIO ANDLUIGI, EATING JUNK FOOD. TROY CLICKS THE TV OFF.

TROYWow. It was sad in the book, but watchingHans Gruber kill Dumbledore was justsomething else!

ABEDYeah. Good movie, right?

TROYFor sure! This was the best Halloween ever!

ABEDWell. It‟s not over yet – it‟s stillHalloween for thirty-four minutes. Ooh. Want

to get some fake IDs that say we‟re youngerthan we actually are so we can go Trick-or-Treating tonight?

TROYYES!

ABEDCool. But first, do you want to play a gameof “Mario Ping-Pong?”

ABED PULLS OUT TWO PADDLES AND A BALL.

TROY

Hey, you can slap “Mario” on any game and I‟m in.

ABEDCool. Play us out, Magnitude.

REVEAL: MAGNITUDE‟S BEEN STANDING THERE THE WHOLE TIME, BANDAGED.

ABED SERVES. THEY START RALLYING THE BALL BACK AND FORTH ACROSSTHE TABLE.

MAGNITUDE(TO THE TUNE OF THE “SUPER MARIO BROS.THEME”) Pop pop pop pop pop pop POP!

Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop poppop pop pop ....

TROY / ABED(TO CAMERA)Troy and Abed in the Mushroom Kingdom!

community - "behavior"

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