Communication and Relational Dynamics

Why do we have relationships?

• Attraction-

Similarity and Complementarity- In adults, similarity is more important than communication ability

Differences strengthen a relationship is they are complementary (satisfy each other’s needs). When control is an issue, problems result.

What are ingredients for happy relationship?

• Partners are similar enough to satisfy each other physically and mentally, but different enough to meet each other’s needs.

Other reasons for relationships

• Reciprocal attraction- we like people who like us.

• Competence-best way to be liked is to be good as what you do, but not perfect!

• Disclosure- have to match the amount and content with the other person

• Proximity-more likely to develop relationship with someone you interact with frequently

Need for intimacy

• Benefits: people with intimate relationships have higher self esteem, stronger sense of identity and greater feelings of control over their lives

• Dimensions:

- Physical

- Intellectual

- Emotional

- Shared Activities

Masculine/Feminine Intimacy Styles

• Disclosure

• - female to female

• - male to female

• - male to male

• Women disclose more than men and the information disclosed is more personal and feeling oriented

• New research has shown that emotional expression is not the only way to develop close relationships. Men (75%) say that closeness comes through shared activity. Also grew close by helping one another and mutual liking

• This difference between men and women can cause misunderstandings

Cultural Influences

• North America- high disclosure

• German, Japanese- disclose little except with very close relationships.

• In U.S. - working class black men are more disclosing that white working class peers, but upwardly mobile black men disclose about as much as white upwardly mobile men.

Limits of Intimacy

• Too exhausting to be intimate with too many people!

• Rewards of relationships= social exchange theory Rewards-Costs equal outcome

If too high maintenance, not worth it!

Models of Relational Development and Maintenance

• Mark Knapp- broke down relationships into broad phases of “coming together” and “coming apart”. Other researchers add “relational maintenance”

Stages

• Initiating- show interest

• Experimenting- decide if interested, so have to get more information “small talk”

• Intensifying- expression of feelings towards one another; discuss the relationship; spend more time together; etc.

• Integrating- take on identity as social unit. Give up some characteristics of self to develop shared identity.

• Bonding- make symbolic public gestures to show the world that their relationship exists.

• Differentiating- gain privacy from one another. Have to be oneself, too

• Circumscribing- communication decreases in quantity and quality. Shrinking of interest and commitment.

• Stagnating- No growth.

• Avoiding- create physical distance

• Terminating- desire to dissociate

Relationship Rules

According to Knapp:

• Relationship can only be in one stage at a time.

• Elements of other stages may be present, but one stage with dominate.

• Movement between stages is generally sequential.

• Not all relationships go through all stages

Dialectical Perspectives

Dialectical tensions: conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously.

• Connection vs. autonomy

-hold me tight

-put me down

-leave me alone

• Predictability vs. Novelty

• Openness vs. Privacy

Managing Dialectical Tensions

• Denial-respond to one end of spectrum, and ignore the other

• Disorientation- “fight, freeze, or leave”

• Alternation-go from one end of the spectrum to another

• Balance- manage through compromise

• Integration- accept opposing forces without trying to diminish them. Stepfamilies often have to “blend”

• Recalibration-reframe so that the apparent contradiction disappears.

• Reaffirmation- acknowledges that dialectical tensions will never disappear.

Relational Development and Maintenance

• Relationships are constantly changing

• Movement is always to a new place- can’t go back to the “way things were”

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Self Disclosure

One way to judge the strength of the relationship is the amount of information we share with others.

• Must be deliberate

• Must be significant

• Not known by others

Degrees of Self Disclosure

Alman and Taylor - model of social penetration

Breadth of information volunteered- range of subjects

Depth of information volunteered- shift from relatively non-personal messages to more personal ones.

• Casual relationship- great breadth, but not depth

• Intimate- high depth in at least one area

• Most intimate- high depth in many areas.

Types of shared information

• Cliches: ritualized, stock responses to social situations. “How are you”, “fine”. Can be shorthand for other messages, grease the social wheels, etc.

• Facts-signals a desire to move the relationship to a new level.

• Opinions-more revealing

• Feelings-most revealing.

Model of Self Disclosure

• Johari window- (Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham)

• Diagram pp 341

Interpersonal relationships are impossible if the individuals involved have little open area.

Characteristics of Self Disclosure

• Self disclosure usually occurs in dyads

• Self disclosure occurs incrementally

• Relatively few transactions involve high levels of self disclosure

• Self-disclosure is relatively scarce

• Self-disclosure usually occurs in the context of positive relationships.

Reasons for self disclosure

• catharsis- “get it off your chest”

• reciprocity-not always turn-by-turn, but when time is right

• self-clarification “talk the problem out”

• self validation-with hope of obtaining the listener’s agreement

• identity management- make ourselves more attractive

• Relationship Maintenance/Enhancement

• Social control-increase your control over the other person or situation

• Manipulation

Guidelines for Self Disclosure

• Is the other person important to you?

• Is the risk of disclosing reasonable?

• Is disclosure relevant to the situation at hand?

• Are the amount and type of disclosure appropriate?

• Is there a balance between positive and negative information?

• Will the effect be constructive?

• Is the self-disclosure clear and understandable?

• Is the self-disclosure reciprocated?

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Alternatives to Self Disclosure

• Lying-

- to save face

-to avoid tension or conflict

-to guide social interaction

-to expand or reduce relationships

-to gain power

Effect of lies: threatens relationships

Equivocation

• Deliberately vague

- spares the receiver from embarrassment

-saves face for both the sender and receiver

-provides an alternative to lying

Hinting

• Aims to get a desired response from others

Ethics of Evasion

• when we expect others to tell a fib

• when the lie is mutually advantageous

• when the lie helps us avoid embarrassment

• when the lie helps us avoid confronting an unpleasant truth

• when we have asked the other person to lie