Commitment

Contents

1. Main Presentation

2. Appenicies1. O’Neill’s notes on sharing

commitments

2. O’Neill’s model for a committed relationship.

Considering Commitment

Main Presentation.

OverviewThe purpose of this presentation is to:

Assess the key principles of Romantic commitment.

Suggest an approach for developing a committed relationship.

Make a preliminary effort to apply that approach to the situation between Cathleen McDonald & O’Neill Stanleigh with initial input only from O’Neill.

Key Principles of Romantic Commitment I What is Commitment? Commitment is here understood to

mean choosing courses of action which determine and define one’s identity. Examples of Commitment are:

I’m Committed to being a parent. I’m Committed to being a musician.

Key Principles of Romantic Commitment II Choice and AcceptanceRomantic Commitment is a choice to

define one’s identity around another.Prior to making this choice each partner

has made commitments as an individual.

Romantically committed couples manage all their previous individual commitments together and make all future commitments the same way. Together.

Commitment Concerns There are significant draw backs to Romantic

Commitment which are unavoidable in pursuit of a committed relationship. These can include, but are not limited to: Confinement to one sexual partner. Unavoidable periods of conflict and volatility as

one partner experiences changes before the other has a chance to react or adapt.

Surrendering absolute control of one’s personal identity or development to incorporate the needs and interests of another.

Why Commitment? There is a significant body of anecdotal evidence

provided by couples who have participated in sustained romantic commitments lasting many years that their relationships evolve and become tremendously rewarding despite, or perhaps because of, periods of tremendous upheaval and strain.

Commitment, previously defined here as a function of identity, guarantees that one will never develop a point of view or outlook which is not supported, considered, and understood by another.

Managing Expectations Expectations about what to expect from a committed

relationship need to be realistically set around long term goals and gains.

The rewards of commitment are attained only by transitioning through complex and sometimes painful adjustments as each person goes from defining their identity individually, to defining it around the choice to remain committed to a partner.

Mistakes are often made, and both parties will on occasion need to be forgiven so long as mistakes are acknowledged, and not repeated.

Building Romantic Commitment Romantic Couples must assess the commitments

and identities they each bring to their relationship. Couples must assess how they can share their

previous commitments with one another. Couples must decide on how they will make all future

commitments together.

Cathleen & O’Neill

A case study.

Case Study Approach In this section we will apply the three principles for

Building Romantic Commitment outlined in a previous slide, and apply them to Cathleen & and O’Neill. Once again, they are: Romantic Couples must assess the commitments and

identities they each bring to their relationship. Couples must assess how they can share their previous

commitments with one another. Couples must decide on how they will make all future

commitments together.

I. Previous CommitmentsCathleen Mother of Siobhan. Eldest sibling of 7. Member of a broad

community in her home town.

Friend Inclined to exploring the

world and universe through experiences with others.

O’Neill Musician. Son and Brother. Friend.

II. Sharing Previous Commitments

Cathleen TBA

O’Neill See Appendix 1

III. Making Future Commitments Together Commitments involve choices which shape a

person’s identity. If O’Neill and Cathleen choose to Commit to each other, each must respect the other’s need to participate in any changes and growth they experience. This would mean Cathleen and O’Neill would commit to consulting with one another, and not make any decisions without the other’s agreement or participation, on decisions involving the areas listed on Slide 16.

III. Making Future Commitments Together Slide 16 To Participate in a committed relationship Cathleen

and O’Neill would commit to taking no action in the following areas without mutual agreement. Sex Psychotropic, or potentially addictive drugs Financial choices involving more that 5% of their combined income. Travel. Employment. Place of residence. Time spent outside of normal routine (ie let each other know if they

aren’t going to be around on a weekend if they live apart, and call if late getting home while living together, etc.)

Conclusion This presentation is meant to outline what a

constructive and objective approach to considering a committed relationship can look like.

It is of course completely and utterly insane. So is love, and so are life and relationships. So why not?

Apendicies

I. O’Neill’s notes on Sharing previous commitments.

II. O’Neill’s outline for a committed relationship with Cathleen.

Sharing Commitments IConflict between Cathleen and O’Neill

has developed around how to share their previous commitments.

Recommendation Cathleen and O’Neill should try to consider

how they can share their previous commitments together in a committed relationship.

Sharing Commitments IIO’Neill on his commitments Commitment #1: Musician.

O’Neill has defined his identity prior to meeting Cathleen around his commitment to be a musician.

This commitment is built around:- Youthful desire to communicate w. his father.- Intuitive & Spiritual perception that it is correct

and necessary to develop an identity by making and maintaining commitments.

- Commitment to communicating his intuitions of honesty, honestly through music.

Sharing Commitments IIO’Neill on his commitments Problems w. Commitment #1: Musician. Art, and artistry are highly individualistic commitments

and they are very difficult to share. O’Neill’s commitment to music leaves him answering to creative intuitions which he makes into music because they are difficult to articulate any other way.

To date O’Neill’s commitment to music has caused problems because intuition and inspiration are difficult to schedule. O’Neill has trouble sharing scheduling with Cathleen around all of her commitments because he feels it leaves him without enough time to honor his own commitment to be a musician.

Sharing Commitments IIO’Neill on his commitments Options Sharing Commitment #1: Musician.1. Cathleen can prioritize which of her commitments

she wishes O’Neill to share. Previously O’Neill tried to share all commitments directly involving Siobhan, and had difficulty also finding time to share for trips to see Cathleen’s family and friends. If Cathleen can honor O’Neill’s commitment to music by respecting his need for time to make it that might help her see the positive value in prioritizing which commitments she needs him to participate in.

Sharing Commitments IIO’Neill on his commitments Options Sharing Commitment #1: Musician.2. Cathleen and O’Neill can try to forge common goals

as musicians together, and meet them. This is an idealistic and romantic goal, but the reality is while making music is of interest to both Cathleen and O’Neill, they have not been equally committed to it to date. For this truly to be an option O’Neill would need to be able to expect Cathleen to make finding time for making music as much of a priority for herself as it is for him . She would probably need to be willing to take time away from some of her other commitments to do this.

Sharing Commitments IIO’Neill on his commitments Options Sharing Commitment #1:

Musician.

O’Neill has proposed the previous two options for the purpose of opening dialog. He welcomes other ideas and suggestions.

Sharing Commitments IIO’Neill on his commitments Options Sharing Commitment #2: Brother & Son. O’Neill will need to be available to see his mother

and brother in crisis situations involving: Health Legal difficulty Emotional Crisis

O’Neill will need to see his mother and brother with Cathleen on at least three other occasions each year including ONE of the major Autumn/Winter Holidays.

Sharing Commitments IIO’Neill on his commitments Options Sharing Commitment #3: Friend. O’Neill will need to be available to see Friends

known to Cathleen in crisis situations involving: Health Legal difficulty Emotional Crisis

O’Neill will need to see his friends on occasion with Cathleen’s knowledge, and consent, and participation as she sees fit on occasions so long as it doesn’t conflict with his commitment to her.

Sharing Commitments IIICathleen on her commitments Sharing commitments involves describing

how one would like to see things work, and how one would like to share commitment. It would be interesting for each person in a relationship to know what their partner pictures as how things should work. It can help both partners feel they gave things a chance to try sharing this. Cathleen’s thoughts on this topic are TBA.

Appendix II.

O’Neill’s model for a committed relationship to Cathleen.

O’Neill’s model for a committed relationship. Cathleen and O’Neill will commit to

implementing the elements listed on Slide 29. Cathleen and O’Neill will maintain a

relationship featuring all the features on Slides 29 and 30 for two years.

After two years maintaining a relationship with the features on Slides 29 & 30 O’Neill & Cathleen will pursue marriage and having children (probably very quickly to make up for lost time).

Slide 29: O’Neill’s model for a committed relationship. Key Terms Cathleen to quit Tobacco smoking O’Neill & Cathleen to maintain finances jointly. O’Neill to join Cathleen as primary care giver for Siobhan. Cathleen to take one year to establish with her family,

Siobhan, and Siobhan’s family that O’Neill is a primary care giver to Siobhan along with her.

Cathleen & O’Neill to cohabitate after one year maintaining or establishing these terms.

Cathleen & O’Neill to marry and have children after one full year cohabitating and maintaining these terms.

Cathleen & O’Neill to make all agreements together about matters detailed in Slide 16.

Slide 30: O’Neill’s model for a committed relationship. Secondary Terms Cathleen to reply to all emails from O’Neill, even if only with

single sentences such as “We’ll talk later.” O’Neill to hold Cathleen’s hand whenever it is offered

whenever possible. O’Neill and Cathleen to go out dancing at least once a

month. O’Neill and Cathleen and Siobhan to travel / Road Trip at

least three times a year. O’Neill and Cathleen and Siobhan to designate one night a

week as “Game night” to play board games, or video games, at home together.

O’Neill and Cathleen to spend time together with friends or family once a month.