Comfort and Support – Helping Your Grieving Parent

Most of us can only imagine the pain that’s felt at the death of a spouse. Knowing how to comfort and support a grieving parent while we are also suffering the loss of one parent or step parent can be extremely difficult. But giving that support, even through the pain, can help the whole family strengthen bonds and make it through this difficult time.

Be there – • It’s important to know that you can’t fix this. Sounds obvious, but looking for the words to make it better or at least understandable, is not the most important thing. • Being there to listen and offering physical help gives your parent the opportunity to share their feelings and for you to acknowledge their pain. • This is not a contest about who is suffering the worse. It’s about sharing the load of grief and remembering the wonderful times with your departed loved one.

Comfort, not judgment – Your surviving parent might feel self-conscious about their behavior. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Anger, denial, and even hostility are just some of the behaviors that grieving people have trouble controlling during this time. Give them a safe forum to express whatever they’re feeling.

If they need to cry, don’t try to stop them. The human touch may be the only language they need during these times. But they may need to talk about how the death occurred; this is often necessary for them to eventually let it go.

Don’t hang on to hurtful words but let them roll off of you. This is the time to depend on your faith, to offer grace and forgiveness.

No timetable on grieving – • The grieving process can take a long time. • Experts say it usually lasts between 18 months to 2 years. • But we all know that some elders never get over the loss of a spouse. • Try your best to remain open to their feelings and allow them to always share. • The more you acknowledge their pain, the more comfort they will feel from you.

Include all your family members – • This is a time to come together as a family, if at all possible. • Each member of the family has important contributions and their own strengths that can help through these difficult times. • Let each person know that they are needed and appreciated.• Share the physical tasks that might be needed by your parent such as shopping, meals, home care, financial paperwork and transportation. • This will keep all of you from experiencing caregiver burn-out.

Watch the calendar – • Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be especially painful for your parent. • Keep your family members aware of these special days so you all can be helpful. • Perhaps a phone call or an outing may be just the ticket to helping your parent through these times.

Beyond the normal – • Be aware that clinical depression might be a problem for your parent. • Watch for these problems that might develop months after the passing: Neglect of personal hygiene, thoughts of their own impending death, reclusiveness, alcohol or drug abuse, difficulty in performing tasks of daily life, feelings of hopelessness. • Always take talk about suicide seriously and get them help with or without their consent.

Avoid the clichés – Sometimes we try to fix things by saying something profound. “He/she’s better off now,” “Count your blessings,” “It’s time to get on with your life,” or “I know just how you feel.”

Try to avoid sentences such as these. They can hurt and rarely help.

Take care of the caregiver – You! – • You can only do so much before you become overwhelmed and ultimately ineffective as a caregiver. • It is vital you take care of yourself and give yourself time off. • Let all your loved ones and even your surviving parent’s friends know about needs. • They’ve probably been waiting and wanting to help. • Your parent’s neighbors often will be glad to lend a hand. • Just remember to tell them how much they are appreciated.

If you need more help with this issue or other tasks of caregiving, don’t hesitate to call the professionals at BrightStar. Your loved one deserves the best care and you deserve the help.

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