Running head: CONFLICT MANAGEMENT 1

Conflict Management: Friends and Roommates

Erin Freeman

University of Kentucky

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT 2

Abstract

This paper discusses the different ways conflict is dealt with and discusses which are the most

beneficial. The author has conducted a lot of research about different conflict styles and the

effective ways that conflict should be dealt with. She has implied the research into her own life

and recorded her experiences to test the research. It includes information on these experiences

and how it relates to the research. When the correct conflict styles and conflict management

skills are used, conflicts are handled well. It also results in better-maintained relationships. Some

of these helpful tactics are choosing the correct conflict style in the situation, not using

evaluative “you” language and describing behavior not personality when addressing another

person.

Keywords: Conflict, relationships, roommates, friendships, arguments

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Conflict Management: Friends and Roommates

People experience conflict all the time, more than we realize. College students who

recorded their conversations and conflicts throughout the week took part in an average of seven

arguments. Since there is no way to avoid conflicts altogether, therefore, I made it a goal to learn

how to handle them efficiently with some of the people I am around the most: my friends and

roommates. Throughout the semester through extensive research and applying it into my life, I

learned the most effective methods to manage conflicts. My paper elaborates on three very

important methods suggested by scholars who have done extensive research and studies on

conflict. These methods include choosing the correct conflict style, avoiding using evaluative

“you” language and addressing behavior, not someone’s personality.

Literature Review

Authors Truman Leung and Min-Sun Kim observed college students in order to obtain

research about conflict between peers. In Conflict management there are ten conflict handling

styles: avoiding, smoothing, obliging, integrating, compromising, dominating, threatening,

relational coercing, deceiving, and ingratiating. These all fall into four categories: unassertive,

cooperative, aggressive and wily. The chosen style during a conflict depends greatly on the

situation and the people.

Adler and Proctor (2011) elaborate on very similar conflict styles and when to use which.

Avoiding, ignoring the conflict, can be a good and bad style depending on the situation. It

happens in many different ways such as completely staying away from the person or acting as if

the issue doesn’t exist by joking or not talking about it. When an issue is really bothering a

person, it should not be avoided (sec 11-2a). A study done by the University of Tennessee found

that the romantic partner referred to as the “self silencer” who avoids confronting the other about

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issues are less satisfied and dealing more with frustration and discomfort than those who are

more confrontational towards their partner (Harper, M. S., & Welsh, D. P., 2007). This is true for

all relationships. It leads to the build up of disappointment and sometimes resentment. This is

usually because an individual keeps doing the same things, when they’re unaware that it

someone is being offended. By choosing this conflict management style, issues never become

resolved. However, avoiding is sometimes the best option when the issue is very small and not

reoccurring. Confronting someone in that sort of situation could make it seem like a person is

coming off too controlling with too high of expectations. Accommodating, going with what the

other person wants, is the selfless option (sec. 11-2b). Accommodating is good to an extent until

the person starts taking advantage of the other. In this case I would confront my friend using the

tactics described previously. Compromising involves both people sacrificing in order to come to

a mutual, somewhat beneficial agreement (sec. 11-2d). This is a great option in most cases to

avoid an argument. However, no one gets all that they want by choosing this style. Collaborating

seeks to find an “our way” solution to problems. It’s when people involved find an option that

allows everyone to be happy and reach their goals (sec. 11-2e). However, this is not always

possible. Competing is a win-lose situation and should only be used if a person feels they must

get their way only. Most of the time this is not an efficient way to use during a conflict in order

to maintain a good relationship with someone (sec. 11-2c).

In the article, Self Improvement (199), dealing with conflict research the author informs the

audience how conflict is not always bad. How a person handles it, determines how the argument

goes. He has found in his research that many people have issues with others but most of the time

they do not share with the person. For example, when researching couples (Roloff & Cloven,

1990) discovered that the people in the relationship could very easily list irritations about their

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mate but never had shared them out loud with him/her before. This is because of many reasons

involving thoughts that nothing will change, they will get mad, etc. This is an example of the

avoiding style of conflict and its harmful affects. Adler and Proctor talk a lot about the harmful

effects of using evaluative “you language”. It shows more concern for defending yourself rather

than resolving the issue (sec. 11-1c). It is described under evaluation as one of Gibbs categories

of defensive behaviors. Instead, “I” language ought to be used which causes the speaker to take

responsibility for his/her message and provokes less defensive reactions. “You” language also is

likely to cause face-threatening acts to the person being confronted. It is also very important to

address behavior rather than personality when talking about an issue. Adler and Proctor use this

example. If two friends are going to the movies and one is late, making both of them late,

addressing the behavior using “I” language would sound something like, “I wish you would have

been on time, we are going to miss the movie.” Addressing problems like that sounds critical and

is less likely to attack someone’s character rather than a statement like, “You are so

inconsiderate, you made us miss the movie.”

Creasey and Kershaw (1999) found that young adults manage conflict with friends using

styles that involve negotiation and compromising more than with others such as parents. “It is

theorized that one reason that adolescents cope with peer conflict in such a manner is due to their

realization that explosive outbursts, domination, or sudden withdrawal may seriously

compromise evolving relationships with attachment figures outside the family system.”

Negotiating and compromising appears essential in their research to maintaining close

relationships with friends in that stage of life.

Personal Experience

My Plan

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I took all that I had learned into consideration to attempt to benefit my relationships. The

relationships I focused on handling conflict with specifically were the people that I am around

the most: my friends and roommates. I frequently disagree with my friends on issues and don’t

feel like my roommates are being considerate. I planned to handle these problems in effective

ways to resolve the issues instead of not mentioning anything. In order to do this, I made it a goal

to start addressing the issues to my friends and roommates with an “we’re all in this together”

attitude (section 11-1a) as Adler and Proctor suggests, not using evaluative “you” language,

discussing the issues with behavior not personality traits, and choosing the correct style of

conflict management.

My Experience

My experiences definitely backed up the research about conflict. As Adler and Proctor put it,

the outcome and benefits from a conflict all depend on how it is address and dealt with (sec. 11-

1c). Therefore, I dealt with issues differently than I had before. I found that addressing an issue

by describing behavior is a very effective way in order to not provoke defensive behavior. When

dealing with conflict it was important to handle the situation in an “we’re all in this together”

way, making my friends feel like I was willing to compromise and collaborate and sacrifice in

order to maintain the peace in the relationship as Creasey and Kershaw (1999) described most

adults my age usually undertaking to uphold friendships. None of my experiences negated my

research. However, some of it requires a person to be more bold and confrontational than I am to

be capable to handle conflict in the most successful way. Therefore, I didn’t always choose the

best conflict style.

Effective & Ineffective Methods

In my recent conflicts I was exposed to how important using skills in conflict were. A

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conflict with one of my best friends I had within the last month confirmed this since it was very

similar to a conflict in the past with a different friend. It was the same type of conflict, however I

handled the two issues in very different ways, which led to very different outcomes. One of my

best friends, Carly and I had a trip planned for this summer. We were both very excited about it

and had just met up to assure we were prepared for the trip. About a week later she called me and

told that she had decided to not go anymore. When this happened the year before with the other

friend, I immediately became very angry and specifically remember saying, “You’re a bad

friend.” This obviously sparked defensive behavior that imposed a face-threatening act to her

character. She responded by defending herself rather than trying to fix the argument saying,

“Don’t say I’m a bad friend…” then describing why she thought I was wrong. It had turned into

an argument rather than us working together to come to a solution and keep the peace. Therefore,

this time since I knew how to handle the problem in the best way, I made sure to use the skills I

acquired through my research. When my friend broke the news to me I asked a lot of questions

with the purpose of perception checking (Adler & Proctor, sec. 11-1c). The helped me realize

that she was a good friend, and this particular situation did not change that. Also, she cared about

me and did frequently apologize while explaining her reasoning. For that reason I knew I needed

to handle it in a civilized manner. I had already perception checked and listened carefully to what

she had to say. Next I explained my feelings about her behavior, rather than saying something

like before, “you’re a bad friend” and told her how I was very disappointed but I somewhat

understood where she was coming from. Because of these effective strategies, it was just a

conflict that was handled correctly instead of an argument that could harm our relationship.

In the contrary, I was a victim of evaluative “you” language during a conflict with future

roommates. We had recently signed a lease on a house for next school year together. The three

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girls I am living with were very enthusiastic about the house but I wasn’t set on it. However, I

signed the lease anyway hoping it would turn out to be a suitable home for us. Since I wasn’t in

love with the house like they were, they told me I could pick the room I wanted first. We hadn’t

been back to the house since the first showing so I wasn’t sure which room I wanted and the girls

were getting antsy about making the room decisions especially my friend Anna who already

knew which room she wanted. When I told them that it was necessary for us to go back to the

house again to look at it more closely and get the dimensions of the room, one my friends said to

me, “No offense Erin but you’re being high maintenance.” Even though she said “no offense”

that didn’t help me to not be offended because of the way she said it. Anna also said “I think it’s

fair that I get the room I want since I already know which one.” She attacked my personality by

calling me high maintenance and made me feel defensive because of her “you” language. She

also was using the competing conflict style so that she could get the room she chose. It could

have been said in a more effective way, using a different style and by saying something like,

“Erin, why do you feel like that is necessary to have to go back to the house to make a decision?

I don’t understand. Can I have the room I want since I already decided?” Since she didn’t I took

it upon myself to cool down the argument by attempting to have her understand my perception

on things, along with apologizing since she thought I was being high maintenance. This made me

understand the research even more since I experienced it first hand.

In a situation with a current roommate, I was having issues with how she was handling her

dishes. The only problems we’ve had this year have been the result of a lack of communication.

She would always let her dishes stack up in the sink to the point that I wouldn’t even have

enough room to be able to rinse a dish in order to put it in the dishwasher. At first I used the

avoiding conflict style hoping she would eventually put them away. But it happened multiple

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times and it always took her at least a week before she put the dishes in the dishwasher. Until I

confronted the issue it kept getting worse. This backs up the research that states avoiding should

never be the chosen conflict style unless it is a small, irrelevant problem.

Lessons Learned

Based off of my research and experiences, I learned a lot about how to handle conflict. I

learned that unless it is an appropriate situation for avoidance because the issue is insignificant

and unimportant, a conflict should always be addressed. When it isn’t the people being affected

cannot benefit at all and the relationship and situation heads in a downward spiral. Although

avoidance is viewed as the easiest way, handling conflict efficiently is sometimes hard and

requires a person to be bold. I found that if the relationship is very important to the persons

involved, competition should not be used as the conflict style. Compromising and collaborating

would benefit the relationship the most, especially in my relationships with roommates and

friends. I also have learned how you say something is one of the most important things. Such as

rewording a sentence so that you are using “I” language instead of “You” language so that the

person is less likely to be offended and the confrontation isn’t a face-threatening act to the

person. Perception checking is also very important in conflict. Making sure you realize where

the other is coming from is key. To accomplish this, questions should be asked and emotions

should be described in a healthy, calm way.

Future Research

Research about how to manage conflict is very important since it is such a common thing and

people ought to be taught how through it. There is not enough research in COM journals done by

scholars about general conflict between friends. Most of the articles I found were so specific. For

example one was conflict between Asian Americans. I also would have liked to been able to find

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more statistics about relationships failing/succeeding based off how conflict was dealt with. In

my own life experience, I have observed how often conflict worsens when it occurs through

technology such as through text and social media. It would be helpful if there were more

research about this and its effects. I would like to know if conflicts should always be addressed

in person or if it does not matter.

It is obvious that there are correct and incorrect ways to handle conflict in order to

maintain a relationship. Usually, a person’s first reaction to a conflict is not effective unless it is

first thought about how to handle. Through the research and my own experiences, I have learned

that “you” language is definitely not beneficial. The techniques that should always be used are

perception checking, using effective listening skills, using the correct conflict style and

describing behaviors rather than personality. If a person is careful to use these conflict-managing

skills, they are sure to be able to maintain their relationships better since conflict will inevitably

arise.

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References

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Cengage Learning.

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Creasey, G., Kershaw, K., & Boston, A. (1999). Conflict management with friends and romantic

partners: The role of attachment and negative mood regulation expectancies. Journal of

Youth and Adolescence, 28(5), 523-543. Retrieved from http://ezproxy.uky.edu/logi

Leung, T. (2007, September 1). Eight Conflict Handling Styles: Validation of Model and

Instrument. Retrieved February 15, 2015, from Journal of Asian Pacific Communication

http://connection.ebscohost.com/c/articles/26168840/eight-conflict-handling-styles-

validation-model-instrument

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