22 • The Coconut Telegraph • October 2018 October 2018 • The Coconut Telegraph • 23

Coco‘Nut’ Funnies

ABOUT THE CARTOONIST, RODNEY NELSON: After coming to the Keys many times, he moved here in 1969 at age 11. He tried different jobs before becoming a full-time artist in his late twenties. He enjoys the versatility it requires to survive as an artist in such a small community, and does airbrushing to glass etching; cartoons to fine art.

Yes officer, I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.

I JuSt ChEcKeD MyAcCoUnT BaLaNcE

At ThE AtM. It PrInTeD Me A

CoUpOn FoR RaMeN NoOdLeS.

Farted on the bustoday and

four peopleturned around...

Felt like I was onThe Voice.

HALLOWEENis by far the best day to

kill someoneand leave them in a chair

on the porch

I’m almost a MILLIONAIRE!

I have all the zeros NOW I just need the ONE.

I’m giving out the Halloween candy

NAKED this year.

We’re supposedto scare thetrick-or-treatersaren’t we?

HALLOWEEN...When my poor housekeeping

skillsreally pay off!

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman replies, “I’ll miss you.”

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”’

”It depends,” I replied “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “OHIO STATE!” 

And they say blondes are dumb...

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

Dear Lord,I pray for Wisdom to un-derstand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.AMEN

Q: What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff’s deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says “Sure,” and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, “I’m very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

The guy says, “I know, but she has a great personality and she’s an excellent cook.”

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

So, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but pos-sibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine! I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .... but they taste like Peppermint.

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cut-est thing, Mr. Smith replies,“Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

“Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks little Bruce is adorable. (Thanks, Trader Dick!)

THINGS I WISH UPON MY ENEMIES

SEAT BACK.MEAL ON LAP.

DRINK IN HAND.REMOTEACROSS

THE ROOM.

WORLD’SSMALLESTBLADDER

TOO

LOTS OF FRIENDS...WHO TALK

ENDLESSLYABOUT THEIR

BABIES

FLIMSYTOILETPAPER

THESENSATION

OF 1,000LOST SNEEZES

TOUSE “YOUR”INSTEAD OF“YOU'RE” ON

THE INTERNET

LOTS ANDLOTS OF

VIDEOS WITHINCORRECTLYSYNCED AUDIO

BOUNTIFULNUMBERS OFSTRAY LEGO

PIECES

INABILITY TOREPRODUCETHE LEATHERCOUCH FARTNOISE AGAIN

CLAMSHELLPACKAGING

ONEVERYTHING

MOSQUITOBITES

IN BETWEENTHEIR TOES.

CLOGGEDSINUSES FOR AMEAL THEY'VEBEEN LOOKINGFORWARD TO

ALL YEAR.

THE POLITESCORN OF ACANADIAN

APREDISPOSITION

TO HITTING "REPLY-ALL

BY ACCIDENT

THE WORLD'SSMALLEST

WATERHEATER

A LONG LiFEFULL OF

TABLES WITHUNEVEN LEGS

1998:• Don’t get into cars with strangers• Don’t meet people from the internet

2018:• Literally summon strangers from the internet to get into their cars.