Children’s jokes from across the Diocese of Oxford

There are more than 60,000 children in our schools – that’s a lot – and all of you are very special. Thank you for all the good things you have done and said in this very hard year – for every smile and kind word and good deed. Thank you for all your prayers. God has heard every single one. Lots of people are very sad this Christmas time. But even when we are sad, it’s important to remember good times and those we love. It’s good to laugh and smile and look forward to better times ahead. Thank you for all the jokes you sent me this Christmas. They made me laugh. A lot. This little book contains all of the jokes you sent in. You can share it with your friends and family. I hope it makes everyone smile and remember the joy and the good times in this Christmas season. Have a really happy and wonderful Christmas. Even if we are sad, we can be happy as well – and smile. God bless you and God bless your family this Christmas time.

Person 1 - Knock knock.Person 2 – Who’s there?Person 1 - Hatch.Person 2 - Hatch who?Person 1 - Bless you!Isabella, 7, Kidmore End

What do you call a snowman in July?A puddle!Morgan, 7, Windsor

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon?She will let it go!Mahnoor, 7, Windsor

What do you call a rude reindeer?Rudolph!Lily, 7, Windsor

Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?They always drop their needles!Harry, 7, Windsor

What types of bird robs?A robin!Bella, 8, Windsor

What hides in the bakery at Christmas?Mince spies!Elsa, 7, Windsor

What do you call a cat wearing a Christmas hat?Santapaws!Lola, 7, Windsor

What are shark Santas called?Santajaws!Fred, 8, Windsor

What do you do on Boxing Day?You box open the presents!Iris, 8, Windsor

How do you catch a squirrel?Climb up a tree and act nuts!Milo, 7, Windsor

How does Darth Vader like his turkey?On the dark side!Rose, 8, Windsor

What bird doesn’t breathe?A puffin!Julian Reef, 7, Windsor

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?Tinselitis!Bonnie, 7, Windsor

What do snowmen have for breakfast?Frosties!Morgan, 7, Windsor

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?No ideaHenry, 8, Windsor

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite!Joss, 7, Windsor

How much was Santa’s sleigh?Nothing. It was on the house.

Austin, 7, Windsor

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?Jungle bells!Hugo, 7, Windsor

Where do snowmen go to dance?The snowball!Maddie, 7, Windsor

Who is never hungry at Christmas?A stuffed turkey!Clemence, 8, Windsor

What did Santa’s elves do during Covid 19?Elf isolateIsla-Grace, 8, Kidmore End

Why did the rocket leave work? Because he got fired!Jonathan, 7, Bampton

Do you want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?Never mind, it’s tear-able!

Holly, 7, Bampton

What do jingle bells like to do? The Jingle Bell Rock!Freya, 10, Wavendon

What is another way of saying that a christmas tree is in the prime of its life? It’s at its pine-acle!Ieuan, 10, Wavendon

What does Father Christmas say every day at school? PRESENT!Louis, 10, Wavendon

What do you call a cat in a desert? Sandy-claws!Eden, 11, Wavendon

Why were the Christmas decorations late for class? They were too busy HANGING around!Adeife, 10, Wavendon

What is a Christmas tree’s favourite sweet? Orna-mints!Jeremiah, 10, Wavendon

What does Santa suffer from when he gets stuck in the

chimney? Claus-trophobia!

Joshua, 10, Wavendon

What have I lost from my body? My Frankin-sense!Alex, 10, Wavendon

What did the big candle say to the little candle? “I’m going out tonight!!”Hetty, 7, Chesham

What did the cow say when he was standing in the middle of the road when a car was coming?I need to moooooooooooove!Kaleb, 7, High Wycombe

How did the football pitch become a triangle?Somebody took a corner!Anon, 7, High Wycombe

How do witches wrap their presents?With spell-o tape!Anon, 7, High Wycombe

Why did the cow cross the road?Because he wanted to go to the mooooo-vies!Anon, 7, High Wycombe

What do you call a monster with his fingers in his ears?Anything you like - he won’t hear you!Matthew, 7, High Wycombe

Knock knockWho’s there?AtchAtch who?I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had a cold!Matthew, 7, High Wycombe

Why did the photograph go to prison?Because he was framed!Harry, 7, High Wycombe

Why are chickens good at drumming?Because their legs are drumsticks!Anon., 7, High Wycombe

Why did the M & M go to school?Because he wanted to be a smartie!Keira, 7, High Wycombe

What do you get if you cross a pet bird with a dog?A budgirigrrrrr!Iqra, 7, High Wycombe

Why did the toilet paper run down the stairs?Because it needed to get to the bottom!Eli, 7, High Wycombe

What did the Christmas pudding say to Santa Claus?Thanks for pudding up with me!Ella, 7, High Wycombe

Why do dogs wag their tails?Because if they don’t, nobody else is going to do it for them!Jesse, 7, High Wycombe

Why is santa like a lobster?Because he has claws (claus)!Alexander, 7, High Wycombe

Why was 6 afraid of 7?Because 7, 8, 9! (Seven ate Nine)Eva, 7, High Wycombe

What do you call a fake noodle?An im-pasta!Eva, 7, High Wycombe

What is a crocodile’s favourite card game?Snap!Emily, 7, High Wycombe

How do you make an octopus laugh?By giving it ten tickles!Eloise, 7, High Wycombe

Why did everyone like the snowman?Because he was so cool!Maria, 10, High Wycombe

Knock knockWho’s there?ShampShamp who?Shampoo my hair please!Isaac, 10, High Wycombe

What flies in the sky and wobbles?A jelly-copter!Rithika, 10, High Wycombe

Knock knockWho’s there?OliveOlive who?Olive next door, can you lend me a cup of sugar?Rhys, 10, High Wycombe

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?Deep pan, crisp and even!Esme, 10, High Wycombe

Knock knockWho’s there?LettuceLettuce who?Lettuce in and maybe you’ll find out!Grace, 10, High Wycombe

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?Can you smell carrots?!Natalie, 10, High Wycombe

Would you like to hear a joke about

pizza?Actually, never

mind, it’s bound to be too cheesy!Jadyn, 10, High Wycombe

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. It eventually got to the point where it was so bad that we had to take his bike away!Jadyn, 10, High Wycombe

What sort of driver never gets a parking fine?A screwdriver!Shreya, 10, High Wycombe

Why are babies good at football?Because they are great at dribbling!Joe, 10, High Wycombe

Why didn’t the teddy

bear want his Christmas

dinner?Because he was

already stuffed!Andreea, 10, High Wycombe

What falls from the clouds at Christmas? ReindeerAnnie, 7, Amersham

What kind of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowballMaisie, 6, Amersham

What do you get when you come across a pencil and a shop? A market (mark it)Charlie, 7, Amersham

What do elves learn at school? The Elfabet!Pippa, 7, Amersham

Who is rudest reindeer? Rudolf!Pippa, 7, Amersham

Why is Cinderella bad at football?Because she keeps running away from the ball.Zoha, 9, High Wycombe

Knock knock. Who’s there? It’s me Santa! Santa who? Santa Claus of course!Lilly, 7, Oxford

What do you call a white sloth?Frosty the slowmanMia, 9, High Wycombe

Why does the donkey follow Mary? Because she wants to Marry someone.Caleb, 6, Bloxham

What was Scrooge’s face? Scrooged up!

Did Rudolf go to school?No, he was ‘elf taught!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?Santa Clues!

What kind of food do race horses eat?Fast food!

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?Time to get a new one!

Why did the French fish cross the road?Because he wanted to get to the fish and fries shop!

What carol is heard in the dessert?O Camel all ye faithful!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?A broken drum, you can’t beat it!

What song happens when your ears ring?Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!

What’s a ducks favourite food?Quackers and quackamole!

Why did the turkey stop eating?Because he was stuffed!

Who is the music elf’s favourite reindeer?Dancer!

What do cats eat for breakfast?Mice krispies!

Why do ghosts hide in the fridge?Because it’s GHOUL!

Why did the toilet roll down the hill?Because they wanted to get to the bottom!

What do you call a person who’s packing a bag then hurts themselves?An owpacker! (Alpaca)

What did the dog say when he did a fart?Whiff, whiff!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?A holly Davidson!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?Because 7 8 9!

Who is Santa’s favourite singer?Elf-is Presley!

Why are Christmas

trees so bad at sewing?Because they always drop their needles!

What happens when a horse is sick?It goes to horse-pital!

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?It got gobbled!All from Kidmore End Primary School Year 5

How does a sheep say Merry Christmas?Fleece Navidad

Where does a snowman keep his money?A snow bankAmelie, 9, Emmer Green

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?Because it has a silent pee.Ben, 7, Kidmore End

Some packets of crisps were walking down the road. A car pulls up and asks if they want a lift. They say no, we’re walkers.Lucy, Goring

What illness do you get from being around too many

Christmas decorations?Tinselitus!

Lily, 5, Winslow

How many legs does Rudolph have? 6 - Fore legs at the front and two at the backGrace, 10, Winslow

How did the cow cross the road? It rode on a different cow!Class 2, 6, Stone

Knock, knock.Who’s there? Cows go. Cows go who? No! Cows go Moo!Class 2, 7, Stone

How did the cowboy get to the beach? By riding on a sea horse!Class 2, 6, Stone

What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past!

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look I’m changing!

Knock knockWho’s there?WooWoo Who?Thanks Mate!Class 4, 8, Stone

What do you call a dolphin with no fin?

DolClass 1, 5, Stone

Why did the giraffe take loo roll to the party?Because he was a party pooperClass 1, 5, Stone

Knock, Knock Who’s There?PikaPika Who? PikachuClass 1, 5, Stone

Knock, Knock Who’s There?Egbert Egbert Who? Egg but no bacon

One tomato was walking along the road with his friend. “Catch up” he said.Class 1, 5, Stone

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.David, 15, Abingdon

Knock knockWho’s there?WooWoo Who?Class 4, 8, Stone

What do Elves learn at school?The ElfabetHannah, 8, Oxford

Why did the lion go to church?To catch his pray.Benjamin, 7, High Wycombe

What do penguins eat for tea?Ice burgers!Bethan, 8, Wokingham

Why did the snowman run across the road? Because he

melted!Jessica-Rose, 7,

Wooburn Green

What do you call a funny jelly bean? A jolly bean!Fizz, All Saints’ Marcham Youth

How does a Vicar plan a party?He *organ*izes it!Theo, St Barnabus’ School, Oxford

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!St John’s, Lacey Green

What do you get if you cross a Christmas cracker and a duck?A Christmas quacker!

How did Scrooge score the winning goal in the World Cup final?The Ghost of Christmas Passed!

Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb? Because it would say, “Baaaaahh humbug!”

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?“It’s Christmas, Eve!”

What carol is most heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?Santa Jaws!

Why are turkeys never hungry?Because they are always stuffed!

What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver present? Idaho-ho-ho

What says oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards

How you can tell Santa is real? You can always sense his presents

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Who’s a reindeer’s favourite pop singer? Beyon-sleigh

[To be read aloud]The Christmas sale has begun

at Curry’s PC World.

This year it’s sponsored by Dell, you know, the computer brand.A lady walks in and the salesman says, “A Dell?”The lady replies, “Oh, not me, but I’m doing her hair for her new Christmas album.”

Knock knock!Who’s there?Deja...Deja who?Knock Knock! What do you call Santa when he’s not doing anything? Santa pause!

What do you call an elf that can sing and dance? Elfis

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?Because the present’s beneath them!

Why was Santa taking so long to cross the road?Because the chicken was in the way!Olivia, Year 5

What does Jesus like in his sandwich?Bethleham and Cheesemas!Fatima and Barnaby, Year 5

What did the turkey say to the frozen brussels sprouts?Ice to meat you!Mimi, Year 5

What happened when the ice heard a joke?It started cracking up with laughter!Lara, Year 5

What do you get when you cross a skunk and some bells?Jingle smells!Pablo, Year 5

What is an elf’s favourite music?Wrap music!Nina, Year 5

What is Jack Frost’s favourite weather?The Ice AgeShay, Year 5

Knock knockWho’s there?MaryMary who?Mary Christmas!Daisy, Year 5

Where does Santa go to the toilet?The igloo!Laia, Year 5

What did Santa say when he looked out of the window?There’s rain dear!Hector, Year 5

What do you call an ant celebrating Christmas?Ant-lersElla, Year 5

What time does Elsa have her tea?Freeze good (three’s good)!Anu, Year 5

What is red and white and red and white and red and white?Santa holding a candy cane!Thomas, Year 5

What is the coldest city in Germany?Brrrr-lin!Amelia, Year 5

What are invisible and smell of carrots?Reindeer parps!Mia, Year 5

Which supermarket has a song written after them?Lidl – Lidl donkey, Lidl donkey…Kesia, Year 5

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?It had no-body to go with!Savannah, Witney

Where do cows go on Friday night? To the moo-vies! Abi, Witney

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Can you remember me for 2 minutes?Yes.Knock, knock! Who’s there? I thought you said you could remember me! Isla, Witney

Why is Cinderella so bad at football? Because she always runs away from the ball! Hugo, Witney

Why did the skateboarder quit? He got boar-ed! Isla, Witney

Why is it easy to weigh a dragon?Because they come with scales

What did the mum ghost say to the child ghost?Spook when you’re spooken to

What is black and white and red all over?A newspaper

What do you get if you cross a snowman with a shark?Frost bite

What do you get hanging from Father Christmas’s roof?Tired arms

Where do snowmen go to dance?The snowball

What did Cinderella say when her photo prints didn’t arrive on time?One day my prints will come

Why did the doughnut maker sell his shop?Because he got fed up with the hole business

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?Horn-amentsFir Tree Junior School

Who helps Santa when he’s hurt?The Elf and Safety Team

Why did the teacher go to the opticians?Because she couldn’t control her pupils

What is a lion’s favourite fruit?Str ‘roarrrr’ berries

How do you make a toilet roll?Throw it down a hill

What is Father Christmas’ dog called?Santa Paws

Knock knockWho’s there?BooBoo Who?No need to cry!

Where does Santa sleep when travelling? In a ho, ho, hotel!Rosie-Mae, Year 5 at Goring CE Primary

What animal can jump higher than a building?

Any animal, buildings can’t jump!

Hugo, Year 5 at Goring CE Primary

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a cracker... Do you want some cheese with that? Ben, Year 5 at Goring CE Primary

What do you call a rich elf? Welfy! Harriet, Year 5 at Goring CE Primary

Knock knock. Who’s there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, Cows go moo!Year 5 at Goring CE Primary

Knock knock. Who’s there? Roast. Roast who? Roast beef!

Why did the cow want to cross the road? So he can go to the mooovies!

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was the cow’s day off!

Why does everyone like Frosty the Snowman? Because he is cool!

Why did the coffee call 999? Because it got mugged!

What do you give a sick bird?Tweetment!

What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!

What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonaid!

Why did the dog sit next to the fire? Because he wanted to be a hot dog!

Knock, knockWho’s there?BananaBanana who?Knock, knockWho’s there?BananaBanana who?Knock, knockWho’s there?OrangeOrange who?Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!

What goes “Ho ho whoosh, ho ho whoosh!”Santa going through a revolving door.

Why did the snowman have to get another carrot?Because he’s been picking his nose

Where did Frosty the Snowman meet his wife?At the snow ball

Why is Rudolph good at quizzes?Because he nose a lot

What do you get if you eat a Christmas bauble?Tinsilitus

Knock knockWho’s there?Doctor

Doctor Who?You just said it!

What happened when the balloon and the cactus threw a party?It went with a bang!

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?You can roast beef!Isaac, 9, Milton Keynes

What does Santa get when he is stuck in the chimney?Claus-trophobia

What is a cat’s favourite colour?Purrrrple

What is a cat’s favourite song?I Like To Purr It

What do cats use to wash their mouths?

Mouse-wash Why did the chicken go to the doctor? Because he had chicken pox What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Do-you-think-he-saurus Why did Emily throw the butter out of the window? To see a butter-fly What is a cow’s favourite game?Moooo-sical chairs

Why should you never trust atoms?Because they make up everything Why did the children cross the playground?To get to the other slide Why do actors break a leg?Because every play has a cast

Knock knockWho’s there?Dishes.Dishes who? Dishes the police – open up! Where do pencils come from? Pencil-vania

Why did the musician climb the stairs? To reach higher notes

How long does puppy school last?Chihuahuas

What do athletes wear when they’re cold?Long jumpersMorwenna, 6, Twyford

oxford.anglican.org/christmas