Domestic Violencein Affluent Communities

WOMENOF MEANSESCAPE NETWORK, SiliconValley

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Resources

Personal

Therapeutic

Legal

Financial

Vocational

Educational

W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s mission:

We support and empower all women in their struggle to free themselves from domestic violence

We address the specific challenges of professional and upper-income women through a network of resources

Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensvEmail: womensv@losaltoscf.orgPhone: 650-996-2200

Women-of-Means Escape Network~ Silicon Valley

WOMEN~SV is an official program

of:Los Altos Community Foundation

Next Door Solutions

24-hour HotlineDV advocatesLegal advocatesSupport groupsSelf-sufficiency

training

Agenda• Assessment

• Statistics

• What is Domestic Violence?

• The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

• Domestic Violence in the Affluent Community

• Barriers to Leaving

• Resources and Directory—Susan’s Story

• Questions

• Evaluations

Statistics

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1 in 4 women is a DV victim

85-95 percent of DV victims are women

“The prevalence is very high in educated, employed U.S . Women”2

“IPV affects the entire population, not just certain subgroups .” It cuts across all socioeconomic groups3

1 Office of the District Attorney, Santa Clara County, 2 Robert S. Thompson, M.D., of the Group Health Center for Health Studies, June 2006 issue, American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 3 Phil Hammer, esq.

The hidden epidemic…

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What is Domestic Violence?

The intentional and consistent use of power to control an intimate partner through means such as physical, verbal, sexual and financial attacks.1

Includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound their partner2—or someone their partner loves3.1 CORA2 U.S. Department of Justice3 Rolanda Pierre-Dixon

• the most harmful form of abuse.

• The emotional scars from this kind of abuse can last a lifetime.

constant criticism

threats diminishing her

abilities name-calling damaging her

relationship with her children

The main form of abuse in affluent communities is…

Emotional:

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A pattern emerges.A cycle…

Except, according to Susan Weitzman, Ph.D, affluent men tend to skip the

apologies.

11Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence; Web: www.apiahf.org/apidvinstitute

… as the cycle becomes a downward spiral

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P

O

WE

R

C

O

NT

RO

L

What’s it all about? Power and Control

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A pattern of “coercive control”

Tactics used to gain control over her:• Show of Violence

• Intimidation

• Isolation

• Degradation

• Barring access to resources

• Undermining her autonomy

• Micromanaging and invading her personal space

Coercive Control: how men entrap women in personal life by Evan Stark, 2007

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• Inducing exhaustion

• Occasional indulgences

• Threats

• Demonstrating omnipotence

• Enforcing trivial demands

Ohio Domestic Violence Network Information is Power sourcebook—www.odvn.org—developed from Biderman’s Chart of Coercion in Amnesty International (1975) report on torture

Coercive Control

“Death by a thousand cuts.”

These tactics are ongoing and cumulative. They wear her down over time, corrode her self-esteem, her sense of self, wholeness, and independence. They are the same kind of tactics used to wear down prisoners of war.Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007

The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

The damage to children

• DV harms brain development, impairs cognitive and sensory growth

• More health problems, poorer school performance, and more behavioral disturbances

• Nearly 2/3 of all homicides committed by young men under age 20 are sons killing the man who has beaten their mother.

http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Children.pdf

And when they grow up…

• Increased risk of autoimmune disease

• higher risk for tobacco use, substance abuse, unintended pregnancy, obesity, cancer, heart disease, stroke, PTSD

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

1 in 3 abused children grows up to become an abuser or victimhttp://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm

Domestic Violence in the Affluent Community

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Even in “nice” neighborhoods…

There is a general perception that:

• Domestic violence doesn’t happen here.

• She has all the resources she needs to deal with it.

Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 2001

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The problem with money…

“The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.”

Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007

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• Thwart the woman’s escape

• Reach an unfair settlement

• Take custody of the children

• Find her when she escapes

• Use the legal system and high-powered attorneys to continue the abuse

Affluent abusers often control the finances and have more resources at

their disposal to:

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Affluent abusers use their public

image to deny, ignore, and cover

up their abuse…

…but it’s getting harder!

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In upscale Marin and

Sonoma Counties…• "I represent an affluent

district, but when I worked to form my county's first battered-women's shelter, some nights there were no beds left.”

• “Violence against women crosses all economic lines.” -- Representative Lynn Woolsey of California

16 DV Deaths in 2011

• Last year, in Santa Clara County, the number of domestic- violence-related deaths in Santa Clara County tripled from 5 (in 2010) to 16.1

• Most of these deaths occurred in more affluent areas.2

• On average, over one murder per month

2 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Community Violence.Personal Interview, 10-3-2011

1 Santa Clara County Public Health Dept

Barriers to Leaving

Barriers to Leaving

• Economic dependence

• Parenting concerns

• Low Self-esteem

• Guilt and self-blame

• Partner’s Social Status

• Immigrant Status

• Shame & Embarrassment

• Coercive control*

• Isolation

• Lack of Resources

• Loss of friends, current schools, lifestyle

• Attitudes/pressure (Society, Religion, culture, family)

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Challenges for affluent women

Social stigma Lack of social support Lack of programs for women

in affluent neighborhoods Lack of connections, social

resources (stay at home mom, isolation) vs partner’s

Who will believe her? Partner’s public image/career

may be ruined if truth comes out

Vengeance

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Risks:That the threats to kill her or her

family may become a reality• Losing her children, her

reputation, her home, her social standing, her lifestyle, her life savings

• Being stalked, harassed, bullied, injured, killed

• If she files a restraining order against him, it may cost her abuser his job and there goes all the support she was needing.

• The unknown…

Risks…

Leaving

• On average, a person in an abusive relationship will make 8-10 attempts to leave

• Important to understand how leaving can impact a person’s safety

• A woman should never tell her abusive partner she is planning to leave him—puts her life at risk

• 90 per cent of women who are killed by their intimate partner are killed AFTER they leave.1

1 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence

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The more educated the

abuser, the more subtle

the threat can be…

But just as terrifying…What the Silicon Valley surgeon told his wife

Challenges in our hi-tech area:

• Partner’s technical expertise

Hidden camera-------

Hidden

camera

Hidden

cam

era

Smartphone Surveillance GPS tracking device

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• Finding a lawyer with experience in the field of domestic violence

• “Lawyers should not be seduced into thinking that because their clients drive expensive cars and live within prominent zip codes that they are immune to or can successfully extricate themselves from intimate partner violence.”

• “In reality, when economically privileged women are abused, [their wealth can] make it more difficult for them to manage or escape from the abuse.”

•

Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, Winter, 2005

A family law attorney student can graduate without ever taking a single course in domestic violence

Challenges

Challenges• Financial—even if she works outside the home,

abusive partner may still control all the finances

• Between 22% and 57% of homeless women report that domestic violence is the immediate cause of their homelessness.

The National Law Center on Homelessness & Poverty 1411 K Street NW, Suite 1400Washington, DC 20005

More ChallengesParenting/Schooling

• New school not as good, new neighborhood not as safe?

• Will her children become more abusive to her?

• Emotional toll of a high-conflict divorce ?

• Risks of shared custody—50% custody= 50% unprotected

Resources

Susan’s Story

• Susan Son

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Each day she can ask:

“How can I take a step so small that it is impossible to fail?”

The journey of a thousand miles…

Based on One Small Step Can Change Your Life: Robert Maurer, Ph.D. UCLA psychologist

By making the steps as tiny as possible, she guarantees small successes she can build on and gain momentum: Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom.

Six things to say to a DV Victim

• I am afraid for your safety

• I am afraid for your children’s safety

• I am afraid it will only get worse

• You are not alone: I am here to help you/ I can find someone who can help

• You don’t deserve to be abused; no one deserves to be abused

• It is not your faultFamily Court Judge Wellerhttp://web.mac.com/nevadapress/nevadapress.com/Domestic_violence_guide_files/Covering%20Domestic%20Violence-Media%20Guide.pdf

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Six Steps to Freedom

• There are six types of help and support she will need in order to get out safely and effectively.

• Although they are numbered for easy reference, almost all of them can be done in any order and at any time.

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Individual1

Counseling2

Legal3

Vocational4

Financial5

Educational6

W.O.M.E.N.

It doesn’t matter where she starts. It only matters that she starts—when she is ready.

Susan’s Story…

Resources to add

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Mapping the Route to Freedom…

Housing

Security

Property

EvidenceSelf-Care

Individual

Safety

Plan

1

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Safety PlanningSafety First!!*

She can talk to a counselor about: Important papers (birth certificate, social security card,

wedding certificate, driver’s license, etc) Insurance cards, Clothes Extra set of car keys Medication School records, vaccination records Address book Cell phone Credit card Cash Where to go if she has to leave quickly How to leave as safely as possible What to do if she is followed

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Evidence

Photos

Voice

Recordings

Neighbors

Witnesses

Journal (with

dates!)

Individual

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Self-Care

DietExerciseFriendsJournalMeditationSelf-defenseAffirmationsSpiritual practiceActivities

Personal

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Mapping the Routeto Freedom…

Personal

School

Community

Private

Counseling

Self-Estee

m

Social

2

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Personal

Individual therapy

Counseling

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Community

Support Groups—Ex: Next Door

Hotline

Individual Sliding Scale

Family Sliding Scale

Child Sliding Scale

Counseling

Mandated reporting

Checking with Supervisors

Remember:

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Private

Personal therapist

Parenting coach—phone counseling

Relationship coach

Divorce coach

Domestic violence consultant

Counseling

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Family Therapy…

For mother and/or child, not including abuserMarriage counseling/family therapy is NOT

recommended when there is an abusive partner

Batterers Intervention Programs: 5% effectiveAnger Management: 0% effective

Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe C, Next Door Domestic Violence Advocates

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Mapping the Routeto Freedom…

Personal

Private

City

County Community

Lawyer

Legal

3

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Lawyers

When she interviews an attorney, her partner can’t hire him

Some lawyers don’t charge for first consult.

Interview several to find the right fit.

Warning: interviewing multiple lawyers as an unethical tactic

Legal

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District Attorney

District Attorney’s Child Abduction Unit for a “Good Cause” report

Legal

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T.R.O.

Temporary Restraining Order

Legal

Brooke Mueller Gets TRO against Charlie Sheen

FAMILY VIOLENCE APPELATE PROJECTIN BERKELEY—FOR BAY AREA--non-profit--to appeal harmful court decisions like awarding custody to the batterer

“Why would a judge give custody to an abusive parent? It’s crazy, but it happens. Very often.”SONYA Passi, Founder of FVAP

Point to Ponder

Can an abuser be a good father if he “only” abuses his wife and not his child?

Legal

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Mapping the Routeto Freedom…

Personal

Estate Planning

Financial Planning

Income Tax

Settlement

Cash

Financial

4

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Income TaxFinancial

4

Forensic AccountantAccountant

Budgeting support

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All community property is half

hersIt is crucial to have a good lawyer in order to get a fair

settlement.

California is a community property state. In spite of what her abuser may have told her, it is NOT all his money.

She helped her partner earn it by providing her own supportive services and she is entitled by California law to half of all community property.

Financial

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Mapping the Routeto Freedom…

Private Schools

Public Schools

Educational Consultants

School

Educational

Tutors

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Local Private SchoolsEducation

al

6

Girls

Boys

Co-ed

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Educational Consultants

Educational

6

Residential

Treatment

Center

Therapeutic

Boarding

School

Private

Boarding

School

Special Needs

Programs

Your Supervisor

Consult for mandated reporting

She or he may spot red flags you’ve overlooked—they could be life changing, life saving

MVR

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TO:

With these six steps she moves…

………….………………….…………….

FROM:

TO:

TO:

TO:

TO:

Re-victimization

Aligning herself with powerful allies

Isolation

Connection, Support Group

Damaging her children

Saving her children

Criticism, Shame

Confinement

Positive Self-Talk

Escape Plan/ “Exit Strategy”

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TO:FROM:

TO:

TO:

TO:

TO:

Financial hardship

Secret Savings

Sworn to secrecy

Confiding in friends, allies

His power

Discovering her own power

His control over her life, her present

Victim

Taking back control of her life, her future

Survivor

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The Good News

There is a way out

W.O.M.E.N.~SV and other support

networks can help find itEvery communication is confidentialShe doesn’t even have to give her nameShe must leave on her own terms when she is ready

Remember: She should never share her plans with her abuser

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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom

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• Of all the things he has taken from her, including perhaps the best years of her life, her past, her present, there’s one thing her abuser can

never rob her of:

her future.

geta

divorce!

another

If there’s an abuser involved…

71W.O.M.E.N., SV is a non-profit program partnered with Los Altos

Community Foundation

Resources

Personal

Therapeutic

Legal

Financial

Vocational

Educational

We are here to:

support and empower women in their struggle to free themselves from domestic violence

To address the unique challenges of professional and upper-income women through a network of resources

W.O.M.E.N.~SiliconValley

Questions?

73

When She is Ready--

Or For Future

Reference…Directory of Names and phone numbers of resources

The DV DIRECTORY

Evaluations

TEST

• ANSWERS

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Acknowledgements:Rolanda Pierre Dixon, Esq., Assistant District Attorney, Santa

Clara County, Chair of Santa Clara County Domestic Violence

Council

Maureen Lowell, LMFT, Vice Chair, Domestic Violence Council

Julie Saffren, Esq., Santa Clara University Professor

Indira Chakravorty, Signe Correa, Domestic Violence Advocates

Richard Ferry, M.S., LMFT, Expert Witness in Domestic Violence

Miriam Bodin, MA; Jennie Heckman, Ph.D., Educational

Consultants

Edith Collin, MFT, Martha Cravens, Ph.D., Stewart Kiritz,

Ph.D. Therapists

Adriana Caldera, Domestic Violence Program Director, YWCA

Susan Anderson, Los Altos Police Officer and Former Detective

Tuck Younis, Los Altos Police Chief