Coping with Grief in College

4 April 2011 version 1.0 Page | 1

This document has been provided by Carol Evangelisto, PhD

Whether you are a college student with a loved one who is ailing or deceased or you have a friend who is

going through this experience, I have offered some advice below about some things that may help.

What to expect:

You will likely feel as though you are the only person on your campus who is coping with illness or death.

While few share their experiences with others, you are not alone. 35-48% of college students have lost a

family member or close friend within the last 2 years.

One student shared that "[He is] searching for others who have struggled with the same feelings; who

have, like [him], felt alone in my grief."

Another student wrote once that "[She] experienced so much emotional, mental, and physical duress from

the loss of [her] mother to lung cancer."

It is very difficult to cope with grief during the college years, because:

There is so much academic pressure.

You are away from home for the first time.

You may be too far from home to travel to your loved one or family.

Developmentally, you are trying to gain autonomy from your parents.

“College is supposed to be the „best four years of your life‟.”

Friends and faculty are often insensitive and tell you to “move on.”

Therefore, the loss of a loved one can result in a decline in academic performance, social anxiety, sleep

disturbances, depression, and in some cases, serious mental illness.

What you can do:

Share your feelings with a friend, friends, or the support group members, “who understand.” It's ok to be

sad and you need to be able to talk to someone at your school that you can trust.

If you are a friend of a grieving student, listen to them when they need someone to talk to, let them know

that you are here to talk any time they need to talk, and remember that grief lasts much longer than most

people who haven't experienced grief would expect.

If you are interested in talking with a professional counselor, then try it and see what it‟s like.

Participate in a walk or fundraiser in honor of your ill or deceased loved one with a couple of friends

through your chapter‟s service group. Fundraisers help me to feel like I'm doing something positive.

Go home when you want to. If you feel like going home to see your loved ones, you should. But if you

want some space at school, which is normal, then stay at school.

Make sure your teachers know at the beginning of the semester what you are going through, no surprises.

Begin to reach out to others who are going through the same thing as you. The Support Group provides a

perfect opportunity for you to help others that knew what you‟re going through and the opportunity to

honor your ill or deceased loved one.

Coping with Grief in College

4 April 2011 version 1.0 Page | 2

What are Grief and Mourning?

Grief: The painful emotional, physical, mental and spiritual reactions to a loss

Emotional: sadness, anger, ambivalence, relief, guilt, embarrassment, shame, hurt, loneliness, fear,

betrayal, etc.

Physical: fatigue, body aches and pains, disrupted sleeping, eating and sexual patterns, crying,

dizziness, tension, etc.

Mental: diminished concentration and focus, inability to make decisions, sensory hallucinations,

thinking you‟re going “crazy”, forgetting (even simple things), disorganization, etc.

Mourning/Grieving: The painful process of working through the reactions. It is sometimes referred to

as “grief work”

Grieving does not mean “getting over it” or “forgetting”: it‟s about incorporating the loss into our

histories and finding our own meaning in it

Grieving is a lifelong process: it comes and goes with each new loss or transition (coming to college,

leaving home, graduating, getting married, having a child, starting a job, moving, other deaths, ending

or beginning a relationship/friendship)

Grieving involves emotional pain: we often try to avoid this…even though we readily accept that it is

part of healing physical wounds. Think of having an invisible heart wound, or soul wound.

Some things to understand about the process of grief:

It‟s not necessary to do all of the pain at once: we try to do it in regular doses (when we experience

pain). This is similar to taking a dose of medicine for a physical wound. Taking all of your medicine at

once could kill you…but, in doses it brings temporary relief that allows you to go about your business

until it‟s time for the next dose. Over time, you need less and less, and you don‟t have to take it as

often.

It is important not to do ALL of the painful work ALONE or without support (though sometimes we do

need solitude) Sometimes we need to teach others how to help us.

It is not a linear process: It ebbs and flows.

A “conspiracy of silence” is what keeps people from talking to each other about loss. “I don‟t mention it

because I don‟t want to upset you, and you don‟t mention it because you don‟t want to upset me”. We

conspire to keep silent.

S.T.U.G. reactions (T. Rando) are a normal part of the grieving process: S.T.U.G. stands for

“Subsequent, Temporary, Upsurge of Grief” and are triggered by sudden, unexpected reminders such

as hearing a song, etc. Members of our groups have also called these “grief bubbles”.

Every person‟s grief and mourning process is a unique experience. For numerous reasons, no two

people grieve in exactly the same way(s), or for the same amount of time, or to the same intensity.

There are some commonalities, however.

Our goal is to recognize the similarities that we see in each other and honor and support the

differences.