captain jeans and the quest for keith - chapter one

8/8/2019 Captain Jeans and the Quest for Keith - Chapter One

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Introduction

by Lady Forsquiff

author of the best selling pamphlet: Captain Jeans The

man, the myth, the trousers.

Sir Francis Jeans was born in 1760. The bastard son of a

even greater bastard, he went on to make huge strides in

the portly mans trouser industry. In 1790 he became the

second stupidest man ever to gain a Knighthood after the

Keeper of the Royal Stool miraculously survived a ungainly

murderous attack from King Henry VIII. Such a feeble and

impotent lunge that it was the onlookers felt honour

bound to pass the whole thing off as a clumsy Knighting.

It was shortly after this that he met Sir Keith Kamkorder,

Lord of Upper Chelmsford and the Stinky Swamp that nobody

wanted but kind of resented as it kept swallowing their

children.

A friendship was born. Be it from mutual understanding or

too much rum it was a bond forged. They frolicked merrily

in their love for one another in not at all a gay way. They

may have occasionally withdrawn their mighty weapons and

took delight at the reassuring clink of sword on sword

action but this was the time of men; huge men with huge

muscles touching each otherI digress.

This friendship was breached however when Keith was

suddenly grasped firmly by the insurgents, which is a

painful enough experience for any man, but for one so

pretty?Sir Jeans knew his pal was going to be soundly raped in the

bum. Whether it was through loyalty or, as I think when Im

alone , through jealousy he must enter a world he had never

known to save his friend

Chapter One

Awaiting Departure

I will set forth when the wind begins to billow the sails.

The only sniff of wind for weeks has been that emanating

from my undergarments. Truth be told, I am terrified.

Some blaggard has made away with my ship. I'm sure I put

the helm lock on!

It would appear that my entire crew has been stolen along

with my ship. Unless, indeed,twas those that did nick it.

Either way I must endure another bowel clenching tour of


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the docks in search of seaman.

So, I must recruit another band of scurvy sea dogs to man

my vessel (oooo). Tomorrow my search will begin in earnest,

when I have finished with him I will find a crew.

I may have had one too many flagons of ale last night. I

awoke with violent hangover and a ceramic Goose. I have the

vague memory of hiring a rather portly man called "Juciy

Bob" as ships cook and porcupine. This may have been a

dream however.

Damn and blast! My new ship has arrived but instead of the

Privateer I ordered they've sent me a blooming Barque.

Granted it be a sleek and jaunty vessel but the absence of

cannons, or anything else that would render it slightly

more formidable than a Squirell with a hangover, makes it

more or less...shit. I refuse to embark on this perilous

endeavour unless we are armed to the nipples. Oh well, I'll

send it back and await a replacement....Bloody Argos!

When the Gods stop farting in my face and I finally get a

ship I have decided to call her "The Silly Bitch"

I have hired a Quartermaster. He seems a pleasant enough

young man but there is something that bothers me about him

that I can't quite put any of my fingers on. His name is

Doomsford Blackheart and he is Welch...Wait, I see what

this all eludes to. I've been to Wales, it was awful.

Just had a massive argument with Alric the Huge about

whether or not "The Silly Bitch" was a sexist name for a

ship. I assured him over a peg of Rum and a Floury Bap that

if the tradition had been to bestow masculine emshipments

(which was I word I made up but he didn't know that) upon a

vessel, I would have called it "The Silly Bastard" and he

soon resigned himself to unconsciousness, after I'd hit him

a few times.

At last my ship has arrived and we set sail on the morrow.As far as my crew goes, time will tell if I have recruited

wisely.

We have finally boarded The Silly Bitch and are prepared to

sail. I sense unease in the crew.There is a foul stench of

doom in the air..but that could be Juciy Bob (Cook and

Gynecologist)...believe me you don't want to have the fish


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pie.

We are currently moored at Liverpool docks and will set

sail as soon as Salty Pete has been released from gaol.

Apparently he is on a charge of bothering a badger....I

didn't know that was illegal so there is no way he would

have known. I let the crew get on with whatever they have

to do...

Salty Pete has just come running at us, screaming, with all

of her Majesty's minions on his ass. We have to get out of

here and quick....We must set sail in haste

captain jeans and the quest for keith - chapter one

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