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WHEN YOU DON’T KNOWWHAT TO SAY

AAn ancient proverb says,“Even a fool is counted

wise when he holds hispeace; when he shuts his lips,he is considered perceptive”(Prov. 17:28). A modern versionof that thought says, “Better tokeep your mouth closed and bethought a fool than to open itand remove all doubt.”

But what about those timesin life when it’s not about us?What about those awfulmoments when our friends arehurting, and everything in uswants to offer words of comfortand encouragement?

It’s for those times thatauthor Roy Clark draws on alifetime of experience andpastoral counsel to help us inthose moments when we don’tknow what to say.

Martin R. De Haan II

Managing Editor: David Sper Cover Photo:Terry BidgoodUnless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version.Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission.All rights reserved.© 2007 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

CONTENTS

Awkward Moments . . . . 2

Father Of The Year . . . . . 3

Satan’s Accusations . . . . . 4

Job’s Faith Tested. . . . . . . 6

Comforting Someone Who Is Suffering . . . . . 14

What Do We Say? . . . . 19

Facing The Mystery Of Suffering. . . . . . . . . . 30

Reaching Out . . . . . . . . 31

Q0729 What To Say pp.qxp 11/19/07 4:06 PM Page 1

AWKWARDMOMENTS

MMy father loveddesserts. One of his favorite

stopping places in the1940s was Freddy’s Donuts. I was with him on a particular day when,after picking out a dozendonuts, he got in the carand told me that we had to make another stop onthe way home. A fellowemployee at the bank had passed away and wewould be visiting the familyat the funeral home.

When we pulled into the parking lot, Dad turnedoff the motor and just satfor what seemed like aneternity, though it wasprobably only 3 or 4minutes. Finally, I askedDad if he was going into the funeral home. Sobbing,he put his head on thesteering wheel and said, “Idon’t know what to say.”

Funeral homes weresuch a struggle for Dad.Because his mother haddied when he was veryyoung, perhaps death was a painful reminder of hisloss of a mother’s love. Heeventually went in, but afterhe came back to the car hewas quiet all the way home.

Like that situation withmy father, there are manyawkward and sometimespainful moments in lifewhen we just don’t knowwhat to say. For example:• A friend receives the

news that her cancer isterminal. We know weshould go to the hospitalto see her, but we don’tknow what to say.

• A family in our church is enduring the agony of their son’s suicide.Although they havereturned to church, we avoid them becausewe are unsure how toapproach them.

• A man’s divorce is now 2


© 2007 RBC Ministries

final and this is his firstSunday back at church.He stands in the cornerof the foyer wondering if anyone will greet him. Dozens of peoplescurry past him withoutspeaking because theydon’t know what to say.These cases remind me

of Job’s three friends whoheard about his sufferingand came to mourn withhim and comfort him. Theywere quiet for 7 days, butwhen their silence wasfinally broken it becameobvious that they simplydidn’t know what to say.

If you want to be acomforter who helpsinstead of hurts andengages instead of ignores,you should consider thefirst six chapters of Job’sstory. There we learn what to say—and what not to say—in thosemoments when anencouraging word is so desperately needed.

FATHER OF THE YEAR

IIf there was an award in the ancient land ofUz for “Outstanding

Father Of The East,” Jobwould have won the prizehands-down. His storyopens with superlatives,painting a portrait of a manwith a character of integritywho was living an ideal life.Financially, he was verywealthy. Spiritually, hewalked with God andprayed regularly for his 10 children.

There would have beenno need for comfort from hisfriends if that had been thewhole picture. But there’salways “the rest of thestory.” The writer of the epic story of Job lifts thecurtain on a conversationthat took place in heavenbetween God and Satan.And after that dialogue, Job’s life would never be the same.

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SATAN’SACCUSATIONS

WW hen we read the first chapter

of Job, we are listening in on aconversation that tookplace in heaven thousandsof years ago between God and Satan. In thissupernatural dialogue, welearn much about the devil.In Revelation 12:10, Satanis called the “accuser of our brethren”—and that’sexactly what he was doingin Job 1. He had beenwandering the earthobserving the failures of a fallen human race.

God’s response? Heinvited His adversary toscrutinize Job’s life and topay special attention to hischaracter:

Have you considered Myservant Job, that there isnone like him on theearth, a blameless andupright man, one who

fears God and shuns evil? (1:8).Backed into a corner,

Satan fought back bycharging God with playingfavorites. He said that Job’sloyalty was not genuine butthe result of God building aprotective hedge of blessingaround him and his family.Job had a great family, largeflocks, and plenty of money.Who wouldn’t worship aGod who gave him all hecould ever dream of?Satan’s challenge to God?

Stretch out Your handand touch all that he has,and he will surely curseYou to Your face! (1:11).Thousands of years later,

we read the story withoutthe necessary awe. We mayhave heard Job’s story somany times that our earsare numb to the shockingnature of God’s response.God allowed Satan toattack Job’s well-being. To be sure, He drew aboundary by prohibiting

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the enemy from taking Job’slife. But Satan was allowedenormous latitude.

As we read about Satan unleashing a storm of adversity into the life ofJob, it’s helpful to rememberthat we know somethingthat Job did not. He didn’tknow anything about theheavenly conversation thatoccurred in Job 1. He wasexperiencing the collapse ofa hedge of blessing becauseof a challenge between Godand Satan. Philip Yanceyportrays this in his bookDisappointment With God:

It helps to think of the Book of Job as a mystery play, a“whodunit” detectivestory. Before the playitself begins, we in theaudience get a sneakpreview, as if we haveshowed up early for apress conference inwhich the directorexplains his work(chapters 1–2). He

relates the plot anddescribes the maincharacters, then tells us in advance who didwhat in the play, andwhy. In fact, he solvesevery mystery in the playexcept one: How will themain character respond?Will Job trust God ordeny Him?

Later, when thecurtain rises, we see only the actors on stage.Confined within the play,they have no knowledgeof what the director has told us in the sneak preview. We know the answer to the“whodunit” questions,but the star detective,Job, does not. He spendsall his time on stagetrying to discover whatwe already know. . . .

What did Job dowrong? Nothing. Herepresents the very bestof the species. Didn’tGod Himself call Job

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“blameless and upright,a man who fears Godand shuns evil”? Why,then, is Job suffering?Not for punishment. Far from it—he has been selected as theprincipal player in agreat contest of theheavens (Zondervan,1992, pp.163-64).

We often turn to thebook of Job to try to finddefinitive answers to theissue of human suffering,but we won’t find thoseanswers there. Instead,

we discover a story aboutrelentless faith in God inthe midst of a Katrina-likehurricane of trouble.

JOB’S FAITHTESTED

TThe phone rang about 10:00 onemorning. Jim, our

eldest son, was calling from Indiana. His voicequivered with emotion as he described how ouryoungest son, Dave, hadwalked into a store while a robbery was in progress.The details came out,between Jim’s sobs, thatDave had been shot twice—once in each arm. He wasin the hospital.

We drove to Indiana in record time. When wearrived at the hospital, wefound Dave’s room guardedby a policeman. Once we were allowed to enterthe room, Dave shared his story. Sensing his

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We often turn tothe book of Job totry to find definitive

answers to theissue of humansuffering, but wewon’t find thoseanswers there.



anxiety, we read Psalm 91 together for comfort andencouragement. Verses 10-11, however, gave us pause:

No evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near yourdwelling; for He shall give His angels chargeover you, to keep you in all your ways.Dave pointed to his

wounds and said, “Whatabout these?” Our faith in a watchful God wasbeing tested.

Job’s faith was likewisetested as an incredibleseries of losses came inrapid-fire succession andhis world came crashingdown on him.

So, what did he lose?

HIS POSSESSIONSJob was referred to as “thegreatest of all the people of the East” (1:3), and thewriter of Job tells us why hewas worthy of that title. Inthe ancient world, a person’s

wealth was determined bythe size of his flocks andherds. And nobody hadmore than this man—7,000sheep, 3,000 camels, 1,000oxen, and 500 donkeys. Jobmust have had enormouspastureland to care for these11,500 animals. But thestory indicates that it was all wiped out in just oneday. Messengers came to Job and told him:

The Sabeans raided [the oxen and donkeys]and took them away . . . .The fire of God fell fromheaven and burned up the sheep and the servants, andconsumed them . . . . The Chaldeans formedthree bands, raided thecamels and took themaway (1:15-17).Job’s loss reminds me

of what happened whenWall Street’s richest stockspeculators were financiallywiped out in a matter ofhours in the Stock Market

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collapse of October 1929.Some began jumping out of office windows. Formermillionaires foundthemselves standing inbread lines. And life wasturned upside down for all.

In our day of mergers,outsourcing, and downsizing,many people find a “pinkslip” in their workplacemailbox or pay envelopetelling them that they havebeen let go from their jobs.In every such case, believerswho are confronted withthese dilemmas are facedwith a very real test of theirfaith in God.

The loss of wealth andpossessions, however, wasnot the worst of it for Job.

HIS CHILDRENIn addition to his largeflocks and herds, Job alsohad a large family of 10children—7 sons and 3daughters. It appears that these grown childrenwere close, because they

regularly got together for a feast. Some believe thateach of the 7 sons had aspecific day of the week tohost the daily feast (1:4).

Job, however, wasconcerned that his children might sin againstGod during their feasting.So he would get up early in the morning to pray forall his children and offerburnt offerings on theirbehalf (1:5), serving as the family priest.

During one of thosefamily feasts, a tragedyoccurred and all 10 of Job’s children were killed. A messenger brought thenews:

Suddenly a great windcame from across thewilderness and struck the four corners of thehouse, and it fell on theyoung people, and theyare dead (1:19).Job was devastated. His

world was coming apart.First, his wealth had

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evaporated, and now all of his children had been taken.

Several years ago, I received a phone call from a leader in the churchI was pastoring in Michigan.There had been a terribleaccident involving his sisterand her family. It was arainy Wednesday night, andshe had been driving herthree daughters to church.As she was pulling into thechurch parking lot, anothercar collided with theirs. All three daughters werekilled, but the mother hadsurvived. My friend wasasked to give a eulogy forhis three nieces. Hewondered if I would helphim write out what heshould say.

My wife and I attendedthe funeral. These grievingparents, like Job, had lost allof their children. Hundredsof people were weeping. It was on that afternoonthat I began to understand

the depth of Job’s loss. Just recently, during a

Sunday evening worshipservice, I thought again of Job and the loss of hischildren. We were singing a chorus written by Bethand Matt Redman titled“Blessed Be Your Name.”The words we sang reflectedthe mystery of such a loss:

Blessed be Your name,when the sun’s

shining down on me,when the world’s

“all as it should be,” blessed be Your name.Blessed be Your name,

on the road marked with suffering,

though there’s pain in the offering,

blessed be Your name.The songwriters must

have read the story of Jobbefore writing the chorus:

You give and take away,You give and take away,

My heart will choose to say,“Lord, blessed be

Your name.”9



This was the amazingresponse of Job to thestaggering loss of his 10children. We read in Job1:20-21,

Then Job arose, tore hisrobe, and shaved hishead; and he fell to theground and worshiped.And he said: “Naked Icame from my mother’swomb, and naked shall I return there. The Lordgave, and the Lord hastaken away; blessed bethe name of the Lord.” When I read those

words of almost desperatetrust, I have to say, “Job,you are a better man than I am.” Why? From 1963 to1979, the family of my firstwife was stricken withcancer. I lost a mother-in-law, then a sister-in-law,then a father-in-law, andthen, finally, in 1979 mywife was taken by cancer.An entire family gone. Theywere all Christians—evenchurch leaders.

Just as Jesus went to theGarden of Gethsemane topray in His hour of agony, I had been on my kneespleading for God to removethe cup of suffering in myfamily—but they all died. In all honesty, I didn’trespond with the confidenttrust of Job. I just keptcrying, “Why?” That’s a common question asked by those who aresuffering, and by theirfamily members as well.

Job passed the first testsof his trust in God, so theenemy decided to turn upthe heat with more adverseevents.

HIS HEALTHAfter the loss of hispossessions and hischildren, Job faced the next challenge to his faith—an attack on his health.This began on another day, with another dialogueand yet another chargefrom Satan:

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Satan answered theLord and said, “Skinfor skin! Yes, all that a man has he will givefor his life. But stretchout Your hand now,and touch his boneand his flesh, and hewill surely curse Youto Your face!” (2:4-5).The Lord gave Satan

permission to touch Job’shealth on the condition that he would spare his life.

So Satan went outfrom the presence ofthe Lord, and struckJob with painful boilsfrom the sole of hisfoot to the crown of hishead. And he took forhimself a potsherdwith which to scrapehimself while he sat inthe midst of the ashes(vv.7-8).David Atkinson writes of

the enemy’s newest attack: Sickness is added to all the other trials Job has to face. With God’s

permission, Job is afflicted by Satan withthis intolerably loathsomecondition. The painfulsores (2:7) from the soles of his feet to the topof his head are variouslydescribed as a sort ofleprosy or elephantiasis.He takes himself out towhere the lepers go: theash heap outside the city,where he scrapes at hissores with a piece ofbroken pottery. He whowas rich now becomespoor (The Message Of Job,InterVarsity Press, 1991,p.24).You may have a loved

one who is suffering. Andeven though he may nothave been tested with the loss of possessions or children, perhaps he’scurrently facing the loss of his health. He may have had a checkup andanxiously waited for thereport. When the call camefrom the doctor’s office

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indicating they foundsomething, he probablyasked three searchingquestions: • Why me? • Why this? • Why now?

Perhaps your friend is now in treatment forcancer, but each time achemo or radiation sessionis scheduled, he feels the echo of some of thepsalmist’s questions inPsalm 77:

Will the Lord cast off forever? And will He be favorable no more? Has His mercyceased forever? Has His promise failedforevermore? (vv.7-8).He’s asking questions

because he’s being tested.That’s a natural response,not only for those who arebeing tested but for theirloved ones as well.

This leads to an evenmore personal test that isadded to Job’s suffering.

HIS MARRIAGEJob’s wife must have beenterribly confused as shewatched this truckload oflosses being dumped ontheir family. After all, herhusband was a good andhonorable man. He was a prayer warrior, provider,and protector. Why shouldthese tragedies befallsomeone like Job?

Michael Horton, in his book Too Good To BeTrue, shares his personalconfusion as he witnessedthe mounting suffering ofhis godly parents. Hewrites:

At the age of 78, James Horton had been diagnosed with a benign brain tumorthat required immediatesurgery. . . . This surgeryfailed, and before longwe realized that myfather would not recover.. . . The Gibraltar of thefamily, my mother,fussed over his bedside,

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nervously fluffing hispillows at 15-minuteintervals. . . . Then, just 2 months before my father’s death, Momsuffered a massive strokewhile I was driving her from her sister’sfuneral, where she haddelivered a movingeulogy. This strong andcompassionate womanwho had given her life to disadvantaged citykids and abandonedseniors was now herselfdependent on others. . . .In my darker moments, I wondered why Godwould allow them toexperience their worstscenarios in the last act of their play . . . .Shouldn’t people whose lives were allabout giving to others,especially to the elderly,have a break when itcomes to how they leavethis life? (Zondervan,2006, pp.12-13).

This same questioningspirit must have beenhaunting Job’s wife as shewalked out to the ash heapone day and saw the pitifulsight of Job with all hissores. It was just too much,so she simply said: “CurseGod and die!” (2:9).

The famous Britishpastor G. Campbell Morgancommented that only thosewho have stood beside thebed of a suffering loved onewill fully understand theheart of Job’s wife. It’s a cryfrom someone bonded bylove to the one who is sick.It says, “I can’t stand to seeyou suffer one more day.”

I believe this is the mostsevere test Job faced. Theenemy put the words of thechallenge between God andSatan into the mouth ofsomeone Job loved. Howclever. The angels musthave leaned over theparapets of heavenbreathlessly to see if Jobwould finally cave in.

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But Job responded to hisanguished wife by saying:

You speak as one of thefoolish women speaks.Shall we indeed acceptgood from God, and shallwe not accept adversity?(2:10).Job’s wife may have

been angry at God, but we need to remember thatGod can handle our anger.This honest exchange ofemotions between Job andhis wife underscores thecredibility of this story. Yes, people in the Bible got angry with God—andwith one another.

It must have beeninexpressibly difficult forJob to lose his possessions, his family, and his health.At first he responded infaith, but then he spiraleddownward in despair.

When we have a friendwho is suffering and indespair, what do we do?What do we say?

COMFORTINGSOMEONE WHOIS SUFFERING

JJob’s three friends,Eliphaz, Bildad, andZophar, learned about

Job’s struggles and made plans to see him.When they found him onthe village ash heap, Jobmust have been feelingdesperately alone. Initially,his friends did some goodthings (2:12-13). But laterin the story, Job calls them“miserable comforters”(16:2). Let’s look, however,at several positive lessonswe can learn from thesemen about how to comfortsomeone who is suffering.

GIVE YOURPRESENCE

Now when Job’s threefriends heard of allthis adversity that hadcome upon him, eachone came from hisown place . . . . For

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they had made anappointment togetherto come and mournwith him, and tocomfort him (2:11).It cost Job’s friends

something to come to himin his suffering—money fortravel, a change in theirschedule, and time for thethree of them to make acoordinated connection in some village. All of this required effort andexpense. Still, they came to see Job.

They remind me of the story recorded in Mark 2. This time it is four men who are ready to help an unnamed friendwho is crippled. MaxLucado pictures the NewTestament scenario in hisbook He Still Moves Stones:

His feet hung likeornaments on the endsof his legs. . . . He couldsee his limbs, but hecouldn’t feel them. . . .Someone had to wash

his face and bathe hisbody. He couldn’t blowhis nose or go on a walk.. . . “What he needs is anew body,” any man inhalf his mind would say(Thomas Nelson, 1999,p.108).When Jesus returned

to Capernaum for a secondvisit, four friends of thiscrippled man came to himand said, “We’re taking youto Jesus!” And nothingstopped them from theirmission. Their strategy? “If we can’t get through the crowds, we will just tearthe roof apart to get you toJesus.” They carried him toJesus on a pallet, but hewalked home on new legs—and with his sins forgiven.

Your decision to visit ahurting friend may not beeasy. But he or she needssomeone near who cares.So, if the Spirit of Godprompts you to go, youmust go—even if it’sinconvenient. Job’s friends

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sensed a pull to go to the side of their friend, and they responded.

SIT IN SILENCEWhen they raised theireyes from afar, and didnot recognize him,they lifted their voicesand wept; and eachone tore his robe andsprinkled dust on hishead toward heaven.So they sat down withhim on the groundseven days and sevennights, and no onespoke a word to him,for they saw that hisgrief was very great(2:12-13).Job’s friends expressed

their grief in a typicallyMiddle Eastern way—weeping, tearing their robes,and sprinkling dust on theirheads. Then they remainedsilent by his side for 7 daysand 7 nights!

It’s hard for us—with our21st-century addiction to

music, conversation, TV,radio—to imagine that weekof silence with Job and hisfriends. But there’s nothingwrong with silence. Whenface-to-face with suffering,you don’t need to be afraidof silence. You’re not goingas a “fixer” or a theologicalexpert. You’re going assomeone who cares.

Silence can encourage abonding of hearts with theone who is hurting. Manypeople who have been inpain have testified that themost memorable visit theyreceived was from a visitorwho hugged them, sat insilence, and left by simplysaying, “I love you!”

Stanley Hauerwas wrote a book titled Suffering Presence in which he talks beautifullyabout the ministry ofsilence. His friend Bob was trying to recover from thegrief of his mother’s suicide,and Stanley dreaded thevisit to his home. Like

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so many others, he simplydidn’t know what he shouldsay. Instead, he merely satquietly with Bob.

In retrospect, Hauerwasbecame convinced that hispresence alone was whathis friend wanted andneeded most. There were no futile attempts to explain the psychology of the tragedy of suicide.There was no theologicalspeculation or debate.There was simply a person

choosing to be there—acting silently as a balm ofcompassion to his woundedfriend’s heart. That’s one ofthe things Job’s friends didright—and we can too.

LISTENFollowing Middle Easterncustoms of courtesy, Job’svisitors waited for theirsuffering friend to speakfirst. After a week of silence,Job finally began to talkfrom his heart (3:1). Andthey listened.

Chapter 3 records thetragic reality: Job wished he were dead. I’m glad thisis a part of the story of Job.If Job 1:21 (“The Lord gave,and the Lord has takenaway; blessed be the name of the Lord”) is an expression of heroicspirituality, then Job 3 is an honest cry of despairrevealing Job’s humanity.Job asked, “Why?” seventimes in this chapter(3:11,12,16,20,23). Our

17

When face-to-facewith suffering,you don’t need to be afraid of

silence. . . . Silencecan encourage abonding of hearts

with the one who is hurting.



hearts resonate with thatword because everyonewho suffers is prone to ask “Why?”

How deep was Job’sdespair? It was seriousenough for him to curse hisown birthday (v.1). It wasdeep enough for him towish he had died at birth(v.11). It was painfulenough for him to long fordeath (v.21). After all theseexpressions of his deeplyfelt death wish, the closingwords of Job 3 reveal thetwin emotions of depressionand anger. Job reveals thisanger at God when he says:

Why is life given to those with no future, those God has surrounded with difficulties? (v.23 NLT).Job’s friends listened

for a time to his complaintsand questions andstatements of despair.Unfortunately, though, it seems that instead of

hearing the turmoil in hisheart, these friends werebusy composing theologicalanswers to his problem.

Men are typically knownas “fixers,” and Job’s threefriends were determined tofix his dilemma. But theymissed the heart issue. I understand this. There was a time early in my first marriage when my wife was struggling withsome things, and we wouldfrequently be up late intothe night. Sometimes,

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It seems thatinstead of hearing

the turmoil in Job’s heart,

his friends werebusy composing

theological answersto his problem.



like Job’s visitors, I would be “tuned out” as I mentally composed a list of verses I wasconvinced would fix herproblem. It took me yearsto begin listening to herheart.

If you were with Job and listening to his words,how would you help him? If you heard his depression,confusion, anger, and fear,what would you say?Would you diagnose anddissect? Or, after you heardhis full range of emotions,would you simply say, “Idon’t have an answer to thecomplex problem of humansuffering. But I will listen toyour heart. I care deeply foryou in this season of pain.I’m here for you!”

Listening to your friendand choosing your wordsthoughtfully would be far better than the causticwords that began to assaultJob in chapter 4.

WHAT DO WE SAY?

JJob’s friends had beenwith him for a week. They wept and they

listened—but they missed the heart of thissuffering man sitting on hisash heap. He was brokenemotionally and physically.Now the three friends whoset out to do good and offercomfort became examplesof what not to say or do.

DON’T PLAY GODEliphaz was the first friendto speak. He started hisdiscourse by acknowledgingthat Job had helped a lot ofpeople with good counsel(4:3-4). But then he quicklyaccused Job of not beingteachable. He greeted thesufferer with a rebuke:

But now [suffering] comes upon you, and you are weary; it touches you, and you are troubled (4:5).

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After the rebuke, Eliphaz made anothermajor mistake, and in so doing he became theforerunner of thousands of others who stumble intothis error. He played God in Job’s life. Listen to him:

Remember now, who ever perished beinginnocent? Or where were the upright ever cut off? Even as I haveseen, those who plowiniquity and sow troublereap the same (4:7-8).Eliphaz took the very

deep and complex issue of human suffering andreduced the answer to aneat little package: “You’resuffering because you havesinned.”

In one sense, he wasright. We do live in a moral universe. The generalteaching that we reap whatwe sow is certainly taughtin Psalm 1 and Galatians6:7, “Whatever a man sows,that he will also reap.” But

in another sense, he waswrong. Eliphaz wronglyconcluded that all sufferingin our lives is a result of oursin. He tried to squeeze Jobinto his box by accusinghim of being a secret sinner in his private life.

Dr. A. T. Pierson, writingon the problem of sufferingin The Bible And SpiritualLife, reminds us that thereare no easy answers: • Some suffering comes

because we are living in a fallen world.

• Sometimes troublecomes because God isbuilding our character.

• Still other struggles cometo us just because we areChristians.

• Sometimes our suffering,like Paul’s thorn in theflesh, is teaching us torely on God’s power. Often when people are

suffering and confused andgrappling with what theyhave been taught aboutGod’s love and their own

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personal tragedy, we feelthat something needs to be said. We think someexplanation needs to begiven to alleviate theirsuffering. But we need torefrain from attempting toexplain the inexplicable.

When we try to provideanswers that only GodHimself can give, we areplaying God.

There’s an old hymn

that begins, “If we couldsee beyond today as Godcan see.” But we can’t. So,spur-of-the-moment, easyanswers to try to sort outthe confusion of those who are suffering only add to the wounds of thewounded! We must guardagainst crossing over theline to the point of playingGod. Only our sovereignand loving Lord knows the reasons for someone’ssuffering. He’s the only One who knows Hispurpose and plan.

Some modern disciples of Eliphaz are in our 21st-century churches. Althoughthey are well-meaning, theycan be seen in hospitalsplaying God and explainingto people why the roof hascaved in on them. Theyquote Scripture to patientson their beds of sufferingand attempt to unravelmysteries. Wouldn’t it bewiser just to let God be God?

Let’s not act as if we 21

We need to refrain from

attempting toexplain theinexplicable.

When we try toprovide answersthat only GodHimself can give, we areplaying God.



know God’s mind about thereasons for someone else’ssuffering. Don’t play God.

DON’T BESUPERFICIALEliphaz continued to tellJob that the simple truthwas that the innocent donot suffer. He described avision he had in the nightwhich proved why Job wassuffering—he was guilty ofsin.

Now a word was secretlybrought to me, and myear received a whisper ofit. In disquieting thoughtsfrom the visions of thenight, when deep sleepfalls on men, fear cameupon me, and trembling,which made all my bonesshake. Then a spiritpassed before my face; the hair on my bodystood up. . . . Then Iheard a voice saying:“Can a mortal be morerighteous than God? Can a man be more

pure than his Maker?” (4:12-17).Job, who had

experienced losses ofimmense magnitude, didnot need counsel based ondreams and visions. He wasin need of solid comfort—not superficial, cookie-cutter slogans.

On April 16, 2007, theUS experienced the worstmass shooting in its recenthistory. Virginia Tech, auniversity situated in therural city of Blacksburg,Virginia, is in the mosttranquil setting you couldever imagine. Yet, as Techwas undergoing a normalspring morning of classes,the cable news channelsbegan to bristle with“breaking news.” A troubled young student,with a history of emotionalproblems, entered twobuildings with guns andfired off some 170 rounds.He killed 32 students andfaculty before turning a gun

22



on himself. This shockingact of violence shattered apeaceful Monday morning,and produced unimaginablegrief and shock.

Soon the call came out for counselors to bolster the campus staff and community. Hearts were broken and comfortingwords were needed. Therewas no time for superficialityor surface answers topeople’s deep questionsabout pain, suffering, andevil in the world.

Our friends who aresuffering don’t need oursuperficiality either. Ourmotives may be admirable,but a grieving heart isuntouched by slogans like: “God knows best,” or “She’s far better off now,”or “God must have takenyour child because Hewanted him as His angel,”or even “Just remember that Romans 8:28 tells us that all things worktogether for good.”

If you really want to know what to say tosomeone who is goingthrough a storm, read theinsight that Job himselfgave his visiting friends.

REFLECT HOPE Job wanted reasons tohope. He asked his friends:

What strength do I have, that I should hope? (6:11).At the lowest point

in his life, he provided uswith a vivid word picture

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Our friends who are sufferingdon’t need our

superficiality. Ourmotives may beadmirable, but agrieving heartis untouched by slogans.



of this need in his heart:My brothers have dealtdeceitfully like a brook,like the streams of thebrooks that pass away,which are dark because of the ice, and into whichthe snow vanishes. Whenit is warm, they cease toflow; when it is hot, theyvanish from their place.The paths of their wayturn aside, they gonowhere and perish. Thecaravans of Tema look,the travelers of Shebahope for them. They aredisappointed (6:15-20).Job said his three

friends disappointed himlike a dried-up brook.Having lived in the MiddleEast, I can picture this.Every morning my wife andI would take an early walkto beat the heat. We wouldpass a dried-up brook likethe one Job described. Heneeded refreshing words ofhope, but what he heardwas as dry as a desert.

Refreshing water was his expectation, butdisappointment became his experience.

Pastor Bill Hybels, in hisbook Just Walk Across TheRoom (Zondervan, 2006,pp.162-63), underscores the need for the hopeless to hear words of hope. Heoffers these suggestions:• To those filled with

shame, “Grace andforgiveness can comeyour way.”

• To those bound up in destructive habits,“When the Son sets you free, you’ll be freeindeed.”

• To the weak, “Strengthfrom God—the Strength-Giver—can be yours forthe asking.”

• To the weary, “Jesuspromises rest for yoursoul.”

• To the poor, richness of spirit.

• To the lacking, provisionin due time.

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• To the grieving,consolation and comfort.

• To the sick and dying,eternal life and newbodies in the lifehereafter.Those aren’t superficial

words that we should throwout as easy answers toalleviate another’s pain.Words like those, whenhope has just aboutvanished, can be a priceless gift to the suffererif shared sensitively at theappropriate time.

In the middle of the dark and depressingdialogue with his friends,Job burst out of hispersonal darkness withsome of his own brightwords of hope. We maywant to share these words as we minister withcompassion to our friendswho are suffering. What Jobdeclared is the ultimateword of hope:

I know that my Redeemer

lives, and He shall standat last on the earth; andafter my skin is destroyed,this I know, that in myflesh I shall see God,whom I shall see formyself, and my eyes shall behold, and notanother (19:25-27).That’s a passage worth

filing away in our memorybank and leaning uponheavily in our ministry tothose who are hurting.

Another Scripture thatcan be helpful during timeswhen our loved ones aresuffering and questioningGod is Matthew 11:28.Issues of life, death, andloss can push people tochallenge the wisdom and love of our Father inheaven. But Jesus extendsthis invitation to them,which you may want toshare when the time is right:

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest (NIV).

25



When those who aresuffering run to Jesus’strong embrace, they willdiscover the rest that Godhas provided through thecross—an assured future in heaven and a walk with God on their earthlyjourney. The most help wecan give our friends whenthey are going throughdifficult times is to placethem in the arms of ourwise and caring God. That’swhere hope is found.

SPEAK KINDLYJob also told his threecounselors something elsehe needed:

To him who is afflicted,kindness should beshown by his friend(6:14). Job 6 gives us an

honest look into Job’s heart.The man who had beenidentified as “the greatest of all the people of theEast” (1:3) became thatland’s greatest sufferer.

After listening to the painfulaccusations of his visitors,he longed for words thatwere kind but truthful,compassionate but honest.

You have to search longand hard to find a kindword spoken by any of Job’s three friends in theirlengthy dialogues. Theclosest expression ofkindness I can find is in Job4 when they acknowledgedthat in the past his wordshad supported those whohad stumbled and that hehad strengthened falteringknees (vv.3-4).

But Job yearned for farmore because his pain wasdeep and loneliness wassettling in like the earlymorning fog. Listen to him:

He has removed mybrothers far from me, andmy acquaintances arecompletely estranged fromme. . . . Those who dwellin my house . . . count meas a stranger (19:13,15).

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No wonder Job waslonging for some kindness.In effect, he was saying, “I need kindness—notarguments.”

I suffered the loss of my first wife in 1979. Asshe was dying of cancer, her final months on earthwere spent in a hospital bed in our Indiana home.Hospice cared for her on a daily basis. Additionally,friends found a way toshow love to our family.Meals were delivered,phone calls were made, andcards were sent. Most of thepersonal notes on the cardsof encouragement helped.People who had beencounseled and helped bymy wife before she got sicktook the time to expresstheir gratitude. Their wordswere kind and hopeful—the sort of words Job waslonging for but never heardfrom his friends.

So if you desire to be a concerned friend

who delivers kind words tosomeone who desperatelyneeds them, what can yousay? Words from your heartare best. For example, tellhim what a good friend hehas been to you. Share anunforgettable memory of atime you were together. Tellhim he can count on youfor anything he or hisfamily needs. Say, “I loveyou!” Let him know he cancall you anytime. Share theways he has helped you inyour walk of faith. Expressyour caring heart.

There’s a time to recallgood memories and providespiritual hope for the future.But there’s also a time to becourageous and honest withpeople who are suffering.

SHARE HONESTLYIn 6:25, Job confronts hisaccusers and demandsstraight talk—“right words.”

How forceful are rightwords! But what doesyour arguing prove?

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He wanted to know what they had found in his life that would be thecause for such an intensedegree of suffering. Wherehad he spoken falsely?

When our loved onesare suffering, they mayhave serious questionsabout what is happening to them. Because tragedywill take them on an emotional roller-coaster ride, it’s important to listen,to be sensitive to theirfeelings, and to allow themto lead the conversation. It could also be helpful tocautiously yet courageouslyask what questions they arestruggling with. Do theyhave doubts and fears ofthe unknown?

Patients who know their illness is terminal haveconfessed that they want totalk with someone abouttheir condition and howthey are feeling. They wanta friend who will ask themabout their fears and, yes,

about dying. Ask God toshow you if you shouldelevate the conversation to that level of honesty.

Suppose the pain yourloved one is experiencing is the agony of divorce. You can be available with a listening ear and a compassionate heart. But you can also go to another level. Job said that honest words can be painful (6:25). And Solomon wrote,“Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov. 27:6). So what kind of wordscould be considered honest in the first several months of divorcerecovery? Words like:• “Right now you’re in

an extremely vulnerableposition physically andemotionally. Pleaseguard your heart, yourmind, and your body.”

• “It might be best not to make any quickdecisions about

28



finances or housing.”• “You’ll want to be ready

for the confusion in thelives of your childrenwhen they experiencevisitation rights.”

Those who are in apainful situation need thehonest, helpful words of atrue friend. Tiptoeingaround the truth oftencreates unnecessarytension.

I remember when ourchildren were young and

their grandmother wasdying of cancer. We packed up our kids andtraveled many miles tomake a difficult visit. What made it so hard was that no one had talked honestly and openly with her about her illness and impendingdeath. Discussions at herbedside dodged the truth and were kept on a superficial level. There was an “elephant in the room” that nobodywanted to talk about.

Downstairs in thekitchen, however, honestconversations about dyingwere held in whisperedvoices. Our 7-year-old son heard the words,“Grandma is dying.” And in his childhood innocence,he went upstairs to herbedroom and simply said,“Grandpa says you’re goingto die.”

God used that little boy to be the truth-teller.

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Those who are in a painful situationneed the honest,helpful words of a true friend.

Tiptoeing around the truth

often createsunnecessary

tension.



Although not in the bestway, the code of silence wasbroken. Tears flowed, hugswere given, and we could atlast talk honestly. We hadentered the world of realityand could deal with theissues at hand in an open,loving, and sensitive way.

Children can get awaywith blurting things out. We,on the other hand, need theLord’s help to learn how togive honest words to helpour suffering friends in themidst of their difficult days.

FACING THEMYSTERY OFSUFFERING

LLife is marked by eventsof suffering, both great

and small. Some (likeHurricane Katrina) are thebyproduct of a naturaldisaster impacting entirecommunities with loss,grief, and sorrow. Others(like the Holocaust) are thefruit of human evil that has

a profound effect on the world. Still others areintensely private, affectingan individual person or asingle family.

In all these cases, acommon thread is found—the struggle to understandsuffering and why ithappens.

I wish that the closingchapters of Job had theanswer. If you read thebook of Job up to chapter38, when God finallyspeaks, you expect somekind of definitive answer to the problem of humansuffering. Instead, the story takes a sharp turn.God doesn’t give answers,He just asks questions—science questions, in fact, covering the fields ofzoology, astronomy, andmeteorology, among others.

Job stood beforealmighty God indumbfounded silence. He wanted to know “Why?” but God

30



responded with “Who.” The lesson for Job (and

for us) is this: If God canrun the universe in such aspectacular way, we cantrust His love and wisdomwith the inexplicable andpuzzling mysteries of life.

Read Job 38 and 39when you’re facing themystery of suffering. Andwhen you’re listening to thequestions of those who aregoing through difficulttimes, trust God to be theultimate Comforter.

REACHING OUT

JJob’s story ends with his three friends beingrebuked by the Lord

and with his own amazingrestoration. He prayed for his miserable comforters who were such a disappointment to him. Then the Lordturned Job’s circumstancesaround by giving him “twiceas much as he had before”(42:10). Ten more childrenwere born and their happysqueals filled the rooms ofhis plantation. What a greatending to 41 chapters filledwith pain!

So how does the ending of Job’s story help us as we minister to afriend who has sufferedgreat loss? Job got his flocksback and a new family.Does this indicate that wecan promise people ahappy ending?

The great faith chapter of Hebrews 11 can help us

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If God can run theuniverse in such

a spectacular way,we can trust His love andwisdom with

the inexplicableand puzzling

mysteries of life.



answer this: Some “escaped the edge of thesword” (v.34) and some“were slain with the sword”(v.37). Just as there is amystery in suffering, thereis a mystery in recovery.

We don’t know what the Lord will do in thefuture for our friend or loved one who is struggling. But we can be an encourager who takes the time to listen and to use words of hope,kindness, and honesty.

So in the hour ofsomeone’s need, go to theone who is struggling. Gowith confidence. Go with a listening ear. And go withJesus’ words of promisespurring you on:

“For I was hungry andyou gave Me food; I wasthirsty and you gave Medrink; I was a strangerand you took Me in; I was naked and youclothed Me; I was sickand you visited Me; I

was in prison and youcame to Me.” Then therighteous will answerHim, saying, “Lord, whendid we see You hungryand feed You, or thirstyand give You drink?When did we see You astranger and take You in,or naked and clothe You?Or when did we see Yousick, or in prison, andcome to You?” And theKing will answer and say to them, “Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these Mybrethren, you did it toMe” (Mt. 25:35-40).As you reach out to

hurting people with thecompassion and care ofChrist, you are extendingHis own love. In fact, asyou serve the suffering, you serve Him.

h

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“Blessed Be Your Name” (p.9) by Matt and Beth Redman, © 2002Thankyou Music. All rights reserved.



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