bye bye birdie: working script for carlisle musical, march...

Bye Bye Birdie: Working Script for Carlisle Musical, March 2010 1

ACT 1, Scene 1 – ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP. OFFICE 1 2 Albert: (on phone) I know that, sir, but… 3 4 General: (on phone) Think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the 5 American teenager! 6 7 Albert: But… 8 9 General: Are you suggesting that Conrad Birdie doesn’t want to go into the army??!! 10 11 Albert: No, sir. It’s just that… (picks up copy of song) 12 13 General: He’s going, and he’s going two weeks from today! 14 15 Albert: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. He’ll be there… (hangs up) Why? Why did they have to draft him? 16 Just when I finally write a song he’s going to do: the title song of his next picture “Mumbo 17 Jumbo Gooey Gumbo”. Now there isn’t going to be a picture! (tears up song) 18 19 Bookkeeper: Albert, I have your financial statement, if you really want it. Total assets 20 $312.08. (Albert starts to choke on pills) Liabilities $4,030.00. (gets up) Confidentially, 21 you’re a fiscal fiasco. Goodbye, Albert. (gets hat and starts to leave) 22 23 Albert: In six years, I never sold a single song. It’s just that I’m my momma’s sole source of 24 support. I wasted every cent my father left on the Almaelou Music Corporation… 25 26 Bookkeeper: It’s not your fault! Your mother wants you to be a songwriter! You could make 27 a good living as a teacher… 28 29 Albert: (shocked, nervous): Well, but, momma’s sensitive. When I upset her, she faints. 30 31 Bookkeeper: But you love poetry, and you could make a great living teaching English. 32 33 Albert: English, English, you sound like Rosie. (looks around) Hey, where is she anyway? 34 She was supposed to be here an hour ago… (Rosie enters briskly) 35 Rosie, this is the end of Almaelou! Conrad Birdie is going into the Army! 36 37 Rosie: And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting (slaps down letter) her resignation! 38 39 Albert: What? 40 Rosie: I just dropped in to say goodbye, Albert, darling. Lots of luck! (blows kiss, turns) 41 42 Albert: Rosie, you can’t! Not today of all days! (Runs back to desk, looks through drawers.) 43 My pills, where are my pills… the little ones I take when I’m overwrought. 44 45 Bookkeeper: (Picks up bottle from the desk, opens it, and hands him one.) Here. 46


Albert: Not so much. Break it in half. 47 48 Rosie: You’re thirty-three years old, Albert. You can take a whole aspirin. (He takes one) 49 50 Albert: I am not thirty-three! I won’t be thirty-three until tomorrow… (gasping) Water! 51 Bookkeeper pours and hands him the glass) 52 53 Rosie: It’s no use, Albert. I’ve spent eight years on “Project Albert.” 54 55 Albert: (moans, starts to sway dizzily, Bookkeeper tries to be ready to catch him): If it’s part 56 of the company you’re after, the answer is no. Any change would kill my Momma. 57 58 Bookkeeper: Nothing could kill your mother, Albert. 59 60 Rosie: Except maybe a silver bullet. 61 62 Bookkeeper: There’s nothing to discuss, Rosie. Conrad Birdie’s going into the army. 63 64 Rosie: And I’ve quit. (to Albert) You have to go back to college and get your… 65 66 Albert: (hands on ears) Rosie, I’m up to my ears in debt! And I’ve just taken a severe 67 overdose of aspirin. (faints in chair provided by Bookkeeper) 68 69 Bookkeeper: Albert, this may be your last chance. Listen to me, Albert… 70 71

No. 3: An English Teacher 72 Bookkeeper: HIS GOING IN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COULD DO. 73 74 Rosie: NOW YOU’RE FREE TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO, 75 76 Both: ALBERT, ALBERT, AL---BERT…! 77 78 Both: IT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE, THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID. 79

YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY, THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID. 80 YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GET AHEAD, 81 INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM, 82 YOU WERE GOING TO N.Y.U. AND BECOME… (she runs to open door) 83 An English teacher! (Albert rushes to door and closes it) 84

85 Rosie: (backing him to center stage) And in the NYU yearbook for 1952, under “Albert 86 Peterson’s favorite piece of literature,” you know what it says? (shows it to Bookkeeper) 87 88 Albert: (groans) 89 Rosie and Bookkeeper: Little Women! 90 91 Albert: (sinks into chair) I’m ruined in show business. 92


Rosie: AN ENGLISH TEACHER, AN ENGLISH TEACHER, 93 IF ONLY YOU’D BEEN AN ENGLISH TEACHER, 94 WE’D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS 95 YOU’D GET A SUMMER VACATION 96 AND WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEANS. 97 98

Bookkeeper: A MAN WHO’S GOT HIS MASTERS IS REALLY SOMEONE. 99 HOW PROUD WE’D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE! 100

101 Rosie: IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE 102

I COULD HAVE BEEN MRS PETERSON, MRS. ALBERT PETERSON, 103 MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHER’S WIFE. 104 105

Albert: (Suddenly rising) Rose, I’ll make a deal with you! Stay with me, and as soon as I’m 106 out of the red, I’ll dissolve the company and go back to the academic life! 107 108 Rosie: Albert, you’re on! (She goes to her desk and takes out a small file folder.) 109 110 Albert: Of course, it may take awhile, but I’m sure that by 1973 or ’74 at the latest, 111 we’ll… (Rosie opens a file, pulls a card, and slams it on his desk.) What’s that? 112 113 Rosie: I have a plan: something that’s going to push that date up a few years. (reads card) 114 MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age 15, president and recording secretary, Conrad Birdie Fan Club 115 number 2748 of Sweet Apple, Ohio. (picks up the phone) Mary? (they all freeze) 116 117 SPLIT SCENE – ABOVE and STAGE LEFT, FRONT 118 Ursula: Hello? 119 Kim: Hello, Urs? This is Kim. And if I don’t tell somebody, I’m just going to burst! So, 120

Ursula, you are the very first to know. I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody! 121 Ursula: Oh, no! Kim MacAfee, you didn’t! You really got pinned? You mean you and 122

Hugo have a (sighs) permanent understanding? 123 Kim: Uh-huh! Oh, it’s Hugo and I, forever. 124 Mary: Yes, Miss Alvarez? 125 126 Rosie: Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. 127 128 Mary: Yes, Ma’am. Do you have the number? 129 130 Rosie: I have it right here: the number’s (reads slowly from card) …Capitol 7 131

double 8, 2, Zero. Sweet Apple, Ohio. And call me right back. (hangs up) 132 133

Albert: (rising and looking into the phone) Now wait a minute! What’s going on here? Who’s 134 Kim What-ever-her-name is? 135 136 Rosie: Kim MacAfee, Albert, is what’s going to send you back to college with the 137 biggest hit song this business has ever seen! It’s called “One Last Kiss.” 138


Albert and Bookkeeper: I’ve never heard of it. 139 140 Rosie: (to audience) He hasn’t written it, yet. (Leads Albert to piano and seats him.) 141 But when you do… 142

and when that “one last kiss” is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold army 143 for two long years… 144

and when he gives that “one last kiss” to one of his fans chosen at random from 145 one million hysterical teenagers… 146

it’ll make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc! 147 148 Albert: (he rises) Rose, I’m beginning to see it! We cut the record here in New York… 149 150 Rosie: (she pushes him back down) Take Conrad Birdie to Sweet Apple, Ohio. 151 152 Albert: (he rises again) Let him kiss the kid… 153 154 Rosie: (she pushes him down again) And release the record! (she crosses to sit at desk) 155 156 Bookkeeper: Why, you’ll make enough money to stay in college for the rest of your life! 157 158 Albert: I promise you, as soon as this thing is settled, it’ll be just the two of us, Rose! 159 In perfect bliss… (chime sounds) Bliss! Kiss! That rhymes! I wonder if anyone’s ever used 160 it before? Oh what difference does it make? 161 (sings) Oh one last kiss; it gives me so much bliss… I love your dentifrice… 162 No, that’s too clinical… (he writes furiously at the piano for the rest of the scene) 163 164 Rosie: (phone rings) Yes? 165 166 Mary: (on phone) I can’t reach her, Ma’am. The lines are jammed. 167 168 Rosie: Well, every phone in Sweet Apple, Ohio can’t be busy; what’s going on there? 169 170 Mary: Kim MacAfee just got pinned to (muffled) Hugh Peabody… 171 172 Rosie: She got pinned to who? 173 174 Mary: To Hugh! 175 176 Rosie: To who?! Never mind, Mary, keep trying and call me back. (hangs up) 177

THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE 178 THEN I MIGHT BE MRS. PETERSON, MRS ALBERT PETERSON, 179

MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHER’S WIFE. 180 181

[Blackout]182


ACT 1, Scene 2 – SWEET APPLE PHONE LIMBO 183 184 No. 4: The Telephone Hour (Sweet Apple Teen Chorus) 185 Helen: HI NANCY! 186 Nancy: HI HELEN! 187 Helen: WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? 188 Nancy: WHAT’S THE TALE, NIGHTINGALE? 189 TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO AND KIM. 190 191 Alice: HI MARGIE! 192 Margie: HI ALICE! WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? 193 Alice: WHAT’S THE WORD, HUMMINGBIRD 194

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO AND KIM? 195 196

Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: 197 DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED? 198 DID SHE KISS HIM AND CRY? DID HE PIN THE PIN ON? 199 OR WAS HE TOO SHY? 200 WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED… 201 202

Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: YEAH, YEAH. 203 Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD… 204 Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: UH, HUH. 205 Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST… 206 Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: HE’S GONE! 207 Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD! 208 209 Harvey: 210

HELLO MR. HENKEL, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON, 211 CAN I SPEAK TO PENELOPE ANN? 212

Penelope: IS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM? 213 Harvey: Penelope? 214 Penelope: I JUST KNEW IT SOMEHOW. 215 Harvey: About the prom. 216 Penelope: I MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP! 217 Harvey: Saturday? 218 Penelope: I CAN’T TALK TO YOU NOW. 219 220 Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: YOU KNOW IT MAN 221 Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: IT’S CRAZY MAN 222 Girls: GOING STEADY Boys: YOU KNOW IT 223 224 Suzie: IT WON’T LAST 225 April: NOT AT ALL 226 Betty: HE’S TOO THIN* 227 Clara: SHE’S TOO TALL* *we might alter these lines 228


Harvey: HELLO MRS. MILLER, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON 229 CAN I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE? 230 231

Boys: HIYA HUGO, HIYA STUPID, WHATCHA WANNA GO GET PINNED FOR? 232 Girls: WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED Boys: HEY YA MEATHEAD 233 Girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Boys: LOST YOUR MARBLES 234 Girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST Boys: ARE YOU NUTTY 235 Girls: GOING STEADY FOR… 236 237 Harvey: HELLO MRS. GARFEIN, 238

IS CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOL YET? (Light on Charity, who talks to him) 239 240 NHAMP: DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED 241

SABC+: GOING STEADY 242 Boys: SHE SAW HIM 243

NHAMP: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD 244 SABC+: GOING STEADY 245

Boys: SHE DUG HIM 246 NHAMP: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST 247

SABC+: GOING STEADY 248 Boys: SHE NAILED HIM 249

Girls: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD 250 251 Boys: IF YOU GOTTA GO, THAT’S THE WAY TO GO 252 WHEN THEY GOT YA HOOKED, Boys: THEN YOU’RE REALLY COOKED! 253 WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHACHA GONNA DO? 254 255 Girls: OOOOOH! 256 Girls: WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED, Boys: OH, MAN! 257 Girls: I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD. Boys: OH, MAN! 258 Girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVIN’ AT LAST, Boys: OH… 259 All: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD! 260 GOING STEADY…STEADY FOR GOOD! 261 Charity: HE’S IN LOVE WITH KIM, KIM’S IN LOVE WITH HIM 262 263 Boys (girls in parentheses): GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) 264 GOING STEADY (WELL), GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) 265 STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL), GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) 266 GOING STEADY (WELL), GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) 267 STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL) 268 269 Low voices (high voices in parentheses): 270 THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE (OH YEAH) 271 THEY’LL BE HAPPY I KNOW (OH YEAH) 272 GOING STEADY’S FOR ME (OH YEAH), THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD GO. 273 All: GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY, STEADY FOR GOOD, OH…YEAH! 274


ACT 1, Scene 3 – Ursula on phone & MacAfee House 275 276 Ursula: (on phone) Kim MacAfee, what do you mean you’re resigning from the Fan Club? I 277 mean just because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesn’t mean you have to retire from all 278 social life! (Mrs. MacAfee picks up the phone as well) 279 280 Kim: (on phone) I’m sorry, Ursula, but my mind’s made up. Of course, I’ll still play his 281 records, but things like the Conrad Birdie Scream are past me now. 282 283 Ursula: You’re giving up the scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie sings on 284 television, you’re not going to go “AAHHHH!!!!!!!!!” (tragically) Oh, Kim! 285 286 Mrs. MacAfee: (hangs up and calls to her daughter) Kim dear, would you please get off the 287 phone? I’ve got some calls to make. 288 289 Kim: (calls to her) All right, Mother! (then back into phone) 290 Sorry Ursula, I’ve got to hang up. You’ll explain everything to the other kids, won’t you? 291 (Mrs. MacAfee picks up phone) 292 293 Ursula: I suppose I’ll have to. Bye, Kim… wait! Kim, are you sure? I mean after all! I mean 294 really, Kim, are you absolutely sure? 295 296 Kim: After all, I’m fifteen years old and it’s time I settled down. Goodbye, Urs! (hangs up) 297 298 No. 6: How Lovely to be a Woman 299 HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN, THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTHWHILE. 300 HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA AND SMILE A WOMAN’S SMILE 301 HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE, THAT’S ROUND INSTEAD OF FLAT. 302 WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE, 303

YOU’RE WHAT THEY’RE WHISTLING AT! 304 305

IT’S WONDERFUL TO FEEL THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS 306 IT GIVES YOU SUCH A GLOW JUST TO KNOW 307 YOU’RE WEARING LIPSTICK AND HEELS. 308 309 HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND HAVE ONE JOB TO DO: 310 TO PICK OUT A BOY AND TRAIN HIM AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH 311 YOU’VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE. 312 LIFE’S LOVELY WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN LIKE ME! 313 314 HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS. 315 HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT FOR A DATE IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES. 316 HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN, 317 AND GO TO A FANCY NIGHT CLUB AND STAY OUT AFTER TEN. 318 HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN UP AND FREE. 319 LIFE’S LOVELY WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN LIKE ME! 320


Mrs. MacAfee: (hangs up, phone rings immediately) Hello? Kim, there’s a call for you. The 321 operator said she’s been trying to get through for nearly three quarters of an hour! 322 (she shrugs at Mr. MacAfee, who is reading the paper.) 323 324 Kim: Thank you, Doris. I’ll get it. 325 326 Mrs. MacAfee: She said it was long distance and I can’t imagine who… What did you say? 327 328 Kim: I said thank you, Doris. There’s no need to look so upset. It’s modern to call your 329 mother by her first name. It makes the mother and daughter more like pals. 330 331 Mrs. MacAfee: And your father? (still holding out phone, looking shocked) 332 333 Kim: I’ll call him Harry, naturally. (she walks around the room, patting her father on the 334 shoulder: he looks up from the paper, mutters “yeah,” and laughs mirthlessly) By the way, I 335 think Harry took the news about Hugo and I awfully well, don’t you, Doris? 336 (Mrs. Macafee has to sit down. Kim takes the phone.) This is she. Yes, I’ll wait. 337 338 Mrs. MacAfee: Yesterday I was a mother. Today I’m a pal. (gets up, stands behind Harry) 339 Are you sure you wouldn’t like to call me Mom? That’s modern. 340 341 Kim: I’m sorry, but times are changing. (then casually) Doris, dear, you’ve got to go along 342 with them or be left behind with the old folks! (parents exit, shaking heads) 343 344 Kim: (she has been listening on the phone, transforming from a poised woman into a dazed 345 child: she speaks to the phone receiver in a very small voice) Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. 346 (hangs up – then realizes…) 347 Conrad Birdie… is coming here… to kiss me? 348 (weakly) Doris. (a bit louder) Mother. (a shout) MOMMY!!!! 349 350 Mrs. MacAfee: (runs in and embraces her) BABY!!! What is it? What’s wrong? 351 352 Kim: (gasping) Birdie… Conrad… here coming kiss to me! 353 354 Mrs. MacAfee: That’s nice, dear. Now you just put your head on Mommy’ shoulder… 355 356 Kim: You don’t understand! Conrad Birdie is coming here to Sweet Apple to kiss me 357 goodbye! Oh, Mommy, Mommy! 358 359 Mrs. MacAfee: I never thought I’d say it… but God bless Conrad Birdie! (Kim screams…) 360

361


ACT 1, Scene 4 – Penn Station, New York City 362 363

No. 7: We Love You, Conrad 364 NYC Girls, led by Daisy: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. 365 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. 366 WHEN YOU’RE NOT NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU! 367 368 Albert: Hello, ladies! Sorry I’m late. Now let’s go over the “Birdie Song” once more before 369 we go down to the train. One, two, three… (he starts conducting, nothing happens) 370 371 Daisy: Yes, sir, Mr. Peterson! Ah right girls, pep up! One two three… 372 373 Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. WE LOVE YOU CONRAD… 374 375 Albert: (sees sad girl - Joanie) Oh, young lady, you can sing with us if you want. 376 377 Joanie: No, thank you. 378 379 Albert: What’s the matter with her? 380 381 Daisy: Oh, she’s just sad because Conrad Birdie’s going into the army, and she’ll be too old 382 for him when he gets out. 383 384 Joanie: (sighs) What’s the point? 385 386 Lucy: Mr. Peterson, Joanie’s been like this for three days! 387 388 Cathy: We’ve done everything to try to make her feel better! 389 390 Albert: Let me see what I can do. (Albert approaches Joanie.) 391 Hi! I’m Albert Peterson, Conrad’s manager. Come on now, that’s not way to be. 392 Things can’t be that bad. Smile! 393 Little girl, this is an adult speaking! I order you to smile! Please? (sings) 394 395 No. 8: Put On a Happy Face 396 Albert: GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. 397 BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. 398 TAKE OF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY, IT’S NOT YOUR STYLE. 399 YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU’LL BE GLAD, YOU DECIDED TO SMILE! 400 401 NYC Policeman: PICK OUT A PLEASANT OUTLOOK, 402

STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN. 403 Albert: WIPE OFF THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK, SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN. 404 Both: SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE, JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! 405 406 All: PUT ON A HAPPY FACE, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. 407


Daisy: AND IF YOU’RE FEELING CROSS AND BICKERISH, 408 DON’T SIT AND WHINE. 409 410

Lucy: THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AND LICORICE, 411 AND YOU’LL FEEL FINE 412 413

Cathy: I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY, SHE’D NEVER LAUGH OR SING. 414 SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME, NOW SHE’S A MEAN OLD THING! 415

416 All: SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE 417

JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! {Dance.} 418 419

Albert: Hey, there’s our luggage! You’d better hurry up if you want to see Conrad before he 420 goes! (Joanie runs offstage) (Rosie appears, pushing the luggage cart) 421 422 Rosie: You forgot your briefcase. Plus, I figured I’d better help you coach Conrad before he 423 talks to any reporters. You know what happened the last time! 424 425 Albert: You hang on to it, Rose. I’ve got to wait here for Momma. 426 427 Rosie: Speaking of your mother, Albert… have you told her about dissolving Almaelou? 428 429 Albert: I couldn’t, Rosie. She might faint. 430 431 Mama: (from the back of the Hall) YOO HOOOOOOOO!!!! 432 433 Rosie: (sarcastically) Who could that be? 434 435 Mama: (entering, starting to yell when visible to audience) YOO HOOOOOO! 436

(she shoves her way through the audience and departing NYC folks, ad lib.) 437 SONNY! (they embrace – she staggers) 438 439 Albert: Mama! What’s the matter? 440 441 Mama: Don’t worry about me, Sonny. I’m just a little faint, from the subway… 442 443 Albert: Mama, I told you to take a taxi. 444 445 Mama: Taxi! What do I need with taxis? I’ll leave the taxis for my successful son. 446 A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway full of disgusting people who wouldn’t 447 give you a seat if your life depended on it, but what’s the difference; 448 nowadays a mother is lower than dirt, anyway! (digs in purse for a coin) 449 Here’s the money I saved from not taking the taxi. Buy some candy with it. 450 (looks at Rosie) What’s that? 451 452 Albert: Mama, you know Miss Alvarez from my office. 453


Mama: This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty little Rose Alvarez? (then with an agonized shout) 454 I can’t believe it! Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something? 455 456 Rosie: Excuse me, Albert. I think I’ll go see if Conrad’s here. 457 458 Mama: Goodbye, Rose. 459 460 Rosie: Goodbye, Mae. 461 462 Mama: Call me Mrs. Peterson. (Rose nods, and exits.) 463 464 Albert: Mama, what I wanted to discuss with you is sort of about Rose. Maybe you’d 465 better sit down. 466 467 Mama: Why? I know my sonny. He loves his mama. He isn’t going to say anything that 468 would break her heart. Go ahead, dear, what about Rose? 469 470 Albert: Well, Mama, Rose thinks, and I agree, that I should give up Almaelou. (Mama 471 staggers and grabs her heart.) What’s the matter, Mama? 472 473 Mama: (fainting) Nothing’s the matter. You killed me, that’s all. I’m on my way up! 474 475 Albert: You don’t understand, Mama. It’s just that Rose thought… I mean I thought… Look, 476 Mama. I have to go. Here. Take a cab home. The subways are too crowded. 477 478 Mama: Nothing is too crowded for a mother. Wait a minute… (freezes dramatically) 479 how many blocks is it, after all? Only 107! I’ll walk. (starts to depart through audience) 480 481 Albert: Mama… 482 483 Mama: Excuse me, pardon me, etc. Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. 484 Be careful crossing the street. Keep your money in your inside pocket. 485 AND EAT A HOT LUNCH…. (exits) 486 487 Rosie: (enters) I thought you were going to break it to her gently. 488 Albert: Well, as a matter of fact, Rosie, I didn’t tell her yet. (music starts) 489 Rosie: You mean you didn’t…? 490 491 Sally: He’s coming! He’s coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!! (girls scream offstage, then 492 citizens enter one at a time) 493 494 Albert: Come on, Rosie! We can’t let him talk to those reporters alone! 495 496 Conrad, reporters, and New York teens enter: “Conrad’s here! He’s coming! etc.) 497 Reporters: How about answering a couple of questions? Hey Conrad! Over here! 498 Globe Reporter: How do you feel about going into the army? (Albert grabs him.) 499


No. 9: A Healthy, Normal, American Boy 500 Albert: HOW DOES HE FEEL, YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS? 501 HE’S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS: 502 HE FEELS BRAVE AND EAGER, STRANGELY HUMBLE, 503 PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G. I.! 504 505 Rosie: HE WILL GLADLY FACE THOSE BULLETS, 506 FOR HE’S NOT AFRAID TO DIE, 507 508 Girls and Citizens: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, 509 HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! 510 511 Albert: And that’s why he volunteered for… 512 513 Times Reporter: Volunteered? I thought he was drafted! 514 515 Tribune Reporter: And he appealed – three times! 516 517 Globe Reporter: What about that starlet, Conrad? Are you two engaged? 518 519 Post Reporter: And why was her husband so mad? 520 521 Herald Reporter: Is Conrad still drinking a lot? 522 523 Rosie: Sing! Sing! 524 525 Girls and Citizens (Others in parentheses): 526 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (OH BEAUTIFUL) 527 OH YES WE DO (FOR SPACIOUS SKIES) 528 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (FOR AMBER WAVES) 529 AND WE’LL BE TRUE (OF GRAIN) 530 OH, OH, CONRAD (AMERICA) 531 WE LOVE YOU (AMERICA) 532 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (GOD SHED HIS) 533 WE’LL BE TRUE (GRACE ON THEE) 534 535 Reporters: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, AVERAGE, MODEST, 536 Reporters, Albert, Rosie: PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL, 537 All: AMERICAN, AMERICAN BOY! 538 Train conductor (offstage): All aboard! 539

540


ACT 1, Scene 5 – Sweet Apple Station, Ohio 541 542 No. 7 (Reprised): We Love You, Conrad 543 Girls, led by Clara: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. 544 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. 545 WHEN YOU’RE NOT NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU! 546 No. 7 (Altered): We Hate You, Conrad 547 Boys, led by Hugo: WE HATE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. 548 WE HATE YOU CONRAD, AND THAT IS BE TRUE. 549 WHEN YOU ARE NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE HATE YOU! 550 551 Helen and Charity: (Conrad appears, girls scream) 552

Conrad Birdie, welcome to Sweet Apple, Ohio! (girls scream) 553 554 Nancy: (all four lines read as one crescendo) Now before we escort you to the Town Hall… 555 Alice: Where the Mayor himself is waiting… 556 Margie: I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your 557 final kiss upon… 558 Ursula: And who will now lead us in reciting the Conrad Birdie pledge! Kim MacAfee! 559 560 Kim and All Sweet Apple Girls: I, (Kim MacAfee), being of sound mind and body, do 561 hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true, to Conrad Birdie and the United 562 States of America – both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all! (Cheers) 563 564 Girls: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, 565 HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! (Birdie is lifted up and most exit, singing.) 566 567 Hugo: Kim, could I talk to you for a minute? 568 569 Kim: Right now? Couldn’t it wait? 570 571 Hugo: I don’t think so, Kim. It’s important. 572 573 Suzie: Hugo Peabody, what’s so important that you have to talk to her right now? 574 Clara: Yes! What’s the urgently urgent urgency, Hugo?? 575 April: Whatever it is can’t be THAT important, Hugo. 576 577 Hugo: Important? I’ll tell you what’s so important! The day after I give her my pin she 578 goes around kissing someone else, that’s what’s so important! (pauses, gets no reaction) 579 I want you to know I’m quite upset about this. 580 I’ve already had several headaches and a nosebleed! 581 582 Betty: Why Hugo, I believe you’re actually jealous of Conrad Birdie! 583 584 Hugo: Me jealous? I’m the opposite of jealous. I’m VERY jealous! 585 Kim’s my steady! People just don’t ditch their steadies. 586


Deborah Sue: Conrad Birdie isn’t “people,” Hugo. 587 Kim: That’s just it, Hugo. I’m your steady! I’m pinned to you, Hugo, and I don’t care how 588 common and ordinary you are, that’s how I’m going to stay! 589 590 Hugo: You’re not just saying that to make me feel better? 591 Kim: I mean every word of it, Hugo. Conrad Birdie is just a fling. A steady is forever… 592 593 No. 12: One Boy 594 Kim: ONE BOY, ONE SPECIAL BOY 595 ONE BOY TO GO WITH, TO TALK WITH, AND WALK WITH, 596 597 HNAUD: ONE BOY, 598 THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. 599 600 Kim and Ursula: ONE BOY, ONE CERTAIN BOY 601 ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH, TO JOKE WITH, HAVE COKE WITH. 602 ONE BOY. NOT TWO OR THREE. 603 604 SBCMCh: ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT, THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, 605 YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU 606 Ten Girls: ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY, 607 ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER, ONE BOY, 608 All Girls: THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. 609 610 Hugo: Oh Kim, all thoughts of a nosebleed have utterly vanished! 611 612 Kim: You were silly to worry, Hugo. Conrad Birdie doesn’t have half the effect on me 613 that my steady does. Why even when I say his name I don’t feel a thing. Listen. 614 Conrad Birdie. Conrad Birdie. Bonrad Cirdie. (swoons and girls lead her out) 615 616 Hugo: (to Rosie, as she enters) The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and almost 617 faint… and you heard her, Lady! That boy is me! 618 619 Rosie: ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT: THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, 620 YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU. 621 ONE GUY, ONE SPECIAL GUY, 622 ONE GUY TO LIVE FOR, TO CARE FOR, BE THERE FOR {Dance.} 623 624 Albert: (catching the briefcase as she throws it away) Rosie, what’s the matter? 625 626 Rosie: I was just thinking of you Albert… 627 628 Albert: Good, I need my speech! Where is it? In the briefcase? Bring it along; the Mayor’s 629 almost finished talking. Come on! (dashes out) 630 631 Rosie: THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. 632


ACT 1, Scene 6 – Sweet Apple Courthouse Steps 633 634 Mayor:….and so it is with great pride and prejudice, as well as the usual pomp and 635 circumstances, that I welcome you to our fair city, Mr. Conrad Birdie… 636 637 Ursula: AHHH!! HE SAID IT!! HE SAID THE NAME!!! (leads the screaming) 638 639 Mayor: What happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie. (scream) I welcome you…uh… sir… 640 to our fair city and present you with this 14-carat solid gold key so generously donated by 641 employees at the Sweet Apple Brass Works. And as I present this key to you, Conrad 642 Birdie… (scream) If you girls don’t stop that, I can’t finish my speech! 643 644 Edna: Uh nobody cares about your speech, dear. I think I speak for the entire population 645 when I say that we’d much rather hear from Mr. Birdie! (turns away from him) Mr. Birdie? 646 647 Helen: Who cares about your speech! We want to hear from Conrad! 648 649 Anna: Speak to us, oh beautiful one! Tell us how you make that glorious sound that 650 even now, in anticipation of it, has reduced me to a snarling, raging, panting jungle beast! 651 652 No. 14: Sincere 653 Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE. (Edna utters a weak little scream and swoons) 654 655 Mayor: Edna! What’s the matter? 656 657 Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE. 658 659 Mayor: Mr. Birdie, what are you doing? (reviving his wife, who has rubbery legs) 660 661 Conrad: YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, ‘CAUSE IF YOU FEEL IT HERE, 662 WELL THEN YOU’RE GONNA BE HONESTLY SINCERE! 663 664 IF WHAT YOU FEEL IS TRUE, (REALLY FEEL IT) 665 YOU MAKE THEM FEEL IT TOO (WRITE THIS DOWN NOW) 666 YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, HONESTLY SINCERE, 667 MAN YOU’VE GOTTA BE SINCERE! 668 669 Mayor: (Edna revives, only to faint again) Edna!! 670 671 Conrad: IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, 672 IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE, THEN IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT! 673 674 Oh baby! (scream) 675 Oh honey! (scream) 676 Hug me! (scream) 677 Suffer! (scream) 678


IN EVERYTHING I DO MY SINCERITY SHOWS THROUGH. 679 I LOOK YOU IN THE EYE, DON’T EVEN HAVE TO TRY: 680 IT’S AUTOMATIC! I’M SINCERE. 681 682 WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE, I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE 683 WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL, I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL 684 I MEAN I REALLY FEEL SINCERE! 685 686 IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, 687 IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE, THEN IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT! 688 689 Oh baby! (scream) 690 Oh honey! (scream) 691 Hug me! (scream) 692 Suffer! (scream) 693 694 YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, OH OH OH, 695 YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, OH OH OH MY BABY, 696 OH MY BABY OH YEAH, OH MY BABY OH YEAH! 697 698 Mrs. Johnson: Harvey! Harvey Johnson! What are you doing? 699 700 Mrs. Merkle: Ursula! Ursula! Come back here this minute! 701 702 Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, 703 704 Teens: Yeah! 705 706 Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, 707 708 Teens: Yeah! 709 710 Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, 711 712 Teens: Yeah! 713 714 Conrad: OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, 715 OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (first girl faints) 716 WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE. 717 718 OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (riot begins, some more faint) 719 OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (some run into the audience and faint)) 720 OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (some faint) 721 OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, YEAH! YEAH! (some run offstage) 722 723

[Blackout] 724 725


ACT 1, Scene 7 – MacAfee House 726 727 Henry: (in audience) Harvey, where are you? 728 729 Edna: (offstage left) Mister Birdie! Is that you? 730 731 Mayor: (offstage left) No, Edna… it’s me. 732 733 James: (offstage right) There’s a lady lying in the gutter. Who does she belong to? 734 735 Thomas: (offstage right) Me. Leave her there. 736 737 Nancy: (back of house) I got a lock of someone’s hair! 738 739 Anna: (back of house) I wonder if it’s his! 740 741 Theodore: (back of house) No it isn’t. And give me my hat! 742 743 Tired Girls Sextet: (USBCMCh singing outside the MacAfee’s house) 744 No. 15: We Love You, Conrad (Wounded Reprise) 745 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO 746 WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE… 747 748 Margie: I’m tired, Ursula. 749 750 Suzie: We’ve been here all night! 751 752 Ursula: We promised to sing the Birdie song ten thousand times, didn’t we? Well, we’ve 753 got 5,276 to go. So sing! (Singing fades away.) 754 755 Kim: Daddy, I wish you’d hurry. I want to have all this mess cleared away before 756 Conrad comes in. 757 758 Mr. MacA: This mess, as you call it, Kim, happens to be my breakfast. I intend to enjoy it. 759 760 Mrs. MacAfee: Your father has a right to enjoy his eggs, Kim. (turns to him) 761 I know the house is a bit hectic this morning, but Kim’s gone to a lot of trouble to fix a special 762 breakfast for Mr. Birdie. 763 After all he is a national figure and I want to show these New York people we know how to 764 treat a national figure here in Sweet Apple. (waits) Now if you’ll just hurry along… 765 766 Mr. MacAfee: Mrs. MacAfee, I am not budging from this room until I get my coffee and read 767 my paper! 768 Mrs. MacAfee: Oh I’m sorry, dear. I didn’t have time to make your coffee this morning. How 769 about a nice warm Seven-Up? (he sighs) 770 771


Randolph: (enters) Morning, Pa. Here’s your paper. I hope you don’t mind but I cut out 772 a few stories about Conrad. (grabs a big fruit off the table and leaves) 773 774 Mr. MacAfee: (paper is full of holes) I have tried to run this house on a democratic basis. 775 There has been no taxation without representation. (waits, no reaction) 776 Last night I gave up my room to a guest who repeatedly referred to me as “Daddy-O.” 777 Telephone calls were made on my phone to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong 778 Kong. I slept on a camp cot with my feet in the fireplace. Outside my window, a sextet of 779 harpies shrieked We Love You Conrad 4,723 times. Well, the democracy is over! Parliament 780 has been dissolved and Nero is back in town! And he doesn’t drink warm 7-Up! 781 782 Albert: (enters) Oh, Mr. MacAfee! I hope you won’t mind keeping off the phone for a few 783 minutes. We’re expecting a long-distance call from New York. 784 785 Mr. MacAfee: Perfectly all right. I’ll go out and fiddle while Rome burns. (exits, Kim stares) 786 787 Kim: (after he leaves) Mother, what’s wrong? 788 789 Mrs. MacA: Nothing, dear. Your father’s just excited about Conrad’s being here, that’s all. 790 791 Randolph: (runs back in) He’s coming! He’s coming! 792 793 Kim: He’s coming! I’ll get the eggs! Mother, you call the kids! 794 795 Mrs. MacAfee: Girls, he’s coming! You’d better hurry if you want to watch him eat! 796 797 Ursula: (6 girls, Edna, and mothers enter) Mother! What are you doing here? 798 799 Mrs. Merkle: I’m sorry, Doris, but we just had to come! We’ll stand quietly back here. 800 801 Randolph: Here he is! (Conrad enters in bathrobe.) 802 803 Eight girls: (quietly) OOOHHHH! 804 (Conrad Grabs soda from Mrs. MacAfee, opens it, squirting everyone. Chugs it, hands can to 805 Mrs. Merkle, who passes to Mrs. J., Mrs, W., then Mrs. MacAfee.) 806 807 Conrad: Call me for lunch. (Mr. MacAfee enters as Birdie exits) Hey Daddy-O! 808 809 Mr. MacAfee: Now look here, Doris. This cannot… 810 811 Mrs. MacAfee: Please, Harry, he’s just shy… 812 Edna: There’s room at my house, if you’d rather…. 813 Mrs. Johnson: Well, if you ask me… 814 815 Mr. MacAfee: Doris, Kim is only fifteen and I don’t want her… 816 Kim: Please, Daddy. Not in front of everybody! 817


Mrs. Merkle: Ursula, we’d better go! (girls and mothers sneak out) 818 Mr. MacAfee: I don’t care who’s here. No lout with bad manners is going to stay here! 819 Randolph: Tell ‘em, Pa! 820 Mr. MacAfee: Zip it, Randolph. 821 822 Mrs. MacAfee: Mr. MacAfee, that young man is our guest and… 823 824 Mr. MacAfee: (to Kim) This is my house, and until you’re eighteen… 825 Randolph: Pa… 826 827 Mr. MacAfee: (stands up) I said enough! Until you’re eighteen… 828 Randolph: But Pa… (Mr. MacAfee cuts him off with a “Dr. Evil” gesture.) 829 830 Albert: Mr. and Mrs. MacAfee! Kim! Randolph! Is this the way you want seventy-five 831

million people Americans to see you? 832 833

Mr. MacAfee: (turns, taken aback) What are you talking about? 834 835 Albert: You’re all going to be on television with Conrad. 836 837 Mr. MacAfee: On television? 838 Albert: I just got the confirmation from New York. From Ed Sullivan himself. 839 840 Mr. MacAfee: You mean we’re going to be on the… (he can’t say it) 841 Albert: Ed Sullivan Show. 842 843 Mr. MacAfee: You mean we’re gonna get to meet… 844 845 Albert: Ed Sullivan! They’re going to cut in on Sweet Apple this Sunday night at 8:05 and 846 you’re all going to be on. That’s why I beg you to put aside your differences. To that great 847 audience out there you’re an American dream come true. And for the free world’s sake, Mr. 848 MacAfee, don’t destroy that dream! 849 850 Mr. MacAfee: Me on the… 851 Mrs. MacAfee: Ed Sullivan Show. 852 853 No. 17: Hymn for a Sunday Evening (Ed Sullivan) 854 Mr. MacAfee: ED SULLIVAN. Me, Harry MacAfee appearing with… 855 Add Mrs. MacAfee: ED SULLIVAN 856 Add Kim: ED SULLIVAN 857 Add Randolph: ED SULLIVAN 858 Macafees & Angel Chorus: ED SULLIVAN, ED SULLIVAN, 859 WE’RE GONNA BE ON ED SULLIVAN. AAHHHH. 860 861 Mr. MacAfee: I’ve got a wonderful wife – two swell kids – a good job, and now this! 862 All: SOMEDAY WE’LL RECALL THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL, ED SULLIVAN. 863


ACT 1, Scene 8 – Theatre Curtain 864 865 Rosie: (leading him into the space) Well, this is it, Albert… what do you think? 866 867 Albert: It looks great, Rose! Now there’s something I want to talk to you about… 868

about… about you and I, Rose. 869 870 Rosie: You and ME, English teacher. 871 872 Albert: Being away from New York, Rose… has made me see things in a different light. I 873 want you to know that I wrote Mama and… I’ve decided to give up the music business. 874 875 Rosie: Really?! 876 Albert: Yes, I wrote her days ago, and so far I haven’t heard a word! If you ask me, she’s 877 accepted the whole thing by now. 878 879 Mama (from the back of the auditorium): YOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 880 (they freeze and turn slowly, she enters) Three days and three nights on a Trailways 881 Bus…but what’s the difference? I’m only a mother and for a mother a bus is good enough! 882 883 Albert: Mama! What are you doing here? (she mounts the stage) 884 885 Mama: Did you think I wouldn’t come? A woman gets a letter obviously written under 886 the influence of drugs and she should stay at home? (wrings out letter) 887 Pay no attention. It’s only a mother’s tears. (reads letter) 888 “Dear Mama: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved. Your friend, Albert.” 889 Dissolved? Dissolve me! I’m a sick old woman who probably won’t last the night. 890 I just want a simple stone with one word carved on it. “Albert’s mother.” 891 892 Albert: Mama! (sees Gloria entering from the front) Wow! Who is that? 893 Mama: I can see you’re overwrought. And don’t worry about a new secretary. It so happens I 894 met on the bus a perfect secretary. A wonderful, refined girl on her way to Akron only I 895 persuaded her to get off here. Sonny… say hello to Gloria Rasputin. 896 897 Gloria: Hi, Al! Hey, you’re cute! 898 899 Albert: But Mama, I don’t need a secretary; I have Rosie! 900 901 Mama: What does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she’ll be getting social security. 902 903 Gloria: Well, listen… I don’t just have secretary skills. 904 905 Albert: You do… other things? 906 907 Gloria: I tap dance! I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff and you would 908 help me get into show business. Watch this! (she dances) 909


Mama: Bravo! Bravo! 910 911 Gloria: Well, do I get the job? 912 913 Albert: I don’t know. I’m used to working with Rosie. However, we have a lot of extra work 914 relating to the TV production this week… 915 916 Mama: Sonny, why don’t you take Gloria somewhere and see how fast she types? 917 918 Albert: Well, I do have all these releases to get out, and Gloria could do them. 919 920 Gloria: Of course I can! 921 922 Albert: Unless it makes any difference to you, Rosie. 923 924 Rosie: (sarcastically) Why should it make any difference to me? 925 926 Albert: Swell! You just keep working and I’ll go along with Miss Rasputin. (they exit) 927 928 Rosie: I could kill him. I could just kill him. (she becomes upset) 929 930 Hugo: (entering) Excuse me, Miss Alvarez, but I’m looking for Kim MacAfee. I just 931 want to tell her that she is NOT to kiss Conrad Birdie on that Sullivan Show tonight 932 because if she does, I’ll… Miss Alvarez… is anything wrong? Miss Alvarez! It’s me! 933 Hugo Peabody! Can I do anything for you, Miss Alvarez? 934 935 Rosie: Yes, Hugo… I think you can. (she leads him offstage as the lights dim) 936 937 No. 18: TV Theme (The stage transforms into the Ed Sullivan TV Show.) 938 939 Ed Sullivan: So remember: Your surest way to the best in color slides is to insist on the new 940 Kodak! (applause) And now, the young man you’ve all been waiting to see. (screams) 941 942 Mr. MacAfee: (stumbling up through the audience) Ed, I hear you! Where are you??? 943 944 Ed Sullivan: As you know, in just about 14 hours, one of show business’ brightest talents is 945 going off to play a very special engagement. And tonight, before he goes, he wants to leave a 946 lucky young lady with One Last Kiss. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to Sweet Apple, 947 Ohio where a typical American family, Mr. and Mrs. Harry Mashpee… 948 949 Mr. MacAfee: (reaching the edge, dragging family) It’s MacAfee! Mr. Harry MacAfee! 950 951 Sullivan: And their children, Kim and Rudolph… 952 Randolph: Randolph! 953 954 Sullivan: …are gathered to bid farewell to a typical American soldier… Conrad Birdie! 955


No. 19: One Last Kiss (screams) 956 Conrad: OH ONE LAST KISS, OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS 957 IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS 958 YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS. 959 960 OH ONE MORE TIME, OH BABY ONE MORE TIME, 961 IT REALLY IS SUBLIME, OH HONEY SO SUBLIME, 962 YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE MORE KISS, BAAAABY, 963 GIMME ONE MORE KISS, BAAAABY, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS, 964 965 OH ONE LAST KISS, OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS 966 IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS 967 YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS. 968

(cut mm. 32-72) 969 970 All: ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS, OH GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS! 971 ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS, OH GIVE ME ONE LAST… 972 973 Conrad: (to Kim) Brace yourself, kid! 974 975 Hugo: Brace yourself, Conrad Birdie! (he aims for Conrad’s face) 976 977 Conrad: (puts hands up) NOT THE HAIR! 978 (Hugo punches Conrad in the stomach and Gloria catches him.) 979 980 Kim: Hugo! You hit him! 981 Hugo: He deserved it! He was a… thief of love! 982 Kim: Hugo Peabody! I never want to speak to you again! (storms out) 983 984 Albert: I demand to know who’s responsible for this! Who let that kid in here? 985 986 Rosie: I did, Albert. 987 Albert: Rosie! 988 989 Rosie: It’s a sort of farewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. (Gloria and Birdie leave) 990 991 Albert: (chasing her down the stairs) Rosie, come back! You can’t leave me here alone! 992 993 Rosie: You’re not alone, Albert. (pointing at the stage) You’re on television! 994 995 Albert: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, 996

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY 997 All: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, 998

HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! 999 1000 [Lights BLACKOUT – End of Act I] 1001

1002


ACT 2, Scene 1 – Kim’s Room 1003 1004 Rosie: (looking in the mirror) That’s right! From now on it’s just going to be me, Rosie, on 1005 the town, making up for eight years of being in love with a Mamma-clutching, aspirin- 1006 splitting tower of Jello! Oh, Albert! 1007 1008 Kim: Don’t be upset, Miss Alvarez. All men can’t be like that! 1009 1010 Rosie: Every one of them! They’re all the same. From puberty to senility. 1011 From Benedict Arnold to Mussolini… 1012 1013 Kim: Then what are we poor women to do, Miss Alvarez? 1014 1015 Rosie: We go on! We live! Sip from the cup of life! Mix the potion and drain it to the dregs! 1016 1017 No. 21: Duet (What Did I Ever See in Him) (beginning at m. 53) 1018 Rosie and Kim: DO WE NEED THEM? NO WE DON’T! 1019 DO WE WANT THEM? NO WE DON’T! 1020 1021 Kim: WILL WE LEAVE THEM? 1022 Rosie: NO WE WON’T. TELL ME, WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR? 1023 1024 Rosie and Kim: WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM? 1025 HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE? 1026 TAKE IT FROM US, WE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE! 1027 IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START: 1028 BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART. 1029 WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN… 1030 1031 Kim: Hugo F. Peabody! 1032 1033 Rosie: What? 1034 1035 Kim: Hugo! What did I ever see in him? Why, he’s as bad as Mr. Peterson if not worse! 1036 Miss Alvarez, I’m coming with you! 1037 1038 Rosie: Kim, don’t be ridiculous! You’re only fifteen! 1039 1040 Kim: Juliet was fourteen when she left home. 1041 1042 Rosie: And look what happened to her! Look, Kim, why don’t you go have some milk 1043 and cookies and go to bed… (starts to walk downstairs to the kitchen and sits) 1044 1045 Kim: It’s too late for cookies, Miss Alvarez! I want to live! We’ll sip the dregs together! 1046 We’ll help each other with our potions! (starts to pack, lights fade out on top) 1047

1048


ACT 2, Scene 2 – MacAfee’s House (kitchen) 1049 1050 Conrad: (entering with Albert and Mama) For the last time, Albert, I’m okay and I don’t 1051 feel like sleeping. Now leave me alone. 1052 1053 Mama: Conrad, dear, be reasonable! You’ve had a severe shock. (approaches him, 1054 takes his arm, and leads him to the table to sit down, fussing over him) 1055 1056 Albert: The best thing you can do is get upstairs and… (sees Rosie) 1057 Aha! There she is! The traitor who stabbed me in the heart when my back was turned! 1058 1059 Rosie: (stands to defends herself with her suitcase) Get out of my way, Albert. 1060 1061 Mama: Be careful, Sonny. She may be armed! 1062 1063 Albert: I can handle this, Mama. You go upstairs with Conrad and see he gets into bed. 1064 1065 Mama: Wait for me, Conrad. I’ll make you some Ovaltine. (follows him out) 1066 1067 Rosie: Albert, I’m going tonight and I don’t want to waste another minute! 1068 1069 Albert: Not until I’ve had my say, Rose. (looks defiant and happy) 1070 I just want to let you know that the kiss will take place after all. 1071 Tomorrow morning at the railroad station just before Conrad leaves. 1072 So it looks like you’ve failed, Rose. (stands up very straight and points up) 1073 …As anyone MUST fail who tries to beat Al Peterson, 1074 one of the giants, the titans, one of the King Kongs of the music industry. 1075 (Continues to pantomime his greatness as Rosie sings.) 1076 1077 No. 23: Reprise (What Did I Ever See in Him) 1078 Rosie: WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? 1079 HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT HE WAS NICE? 1080 TAKE IT FROM ME, I’VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE! 1081 IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START: 1082 BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART. 1083 1084 Albert: An Empire builder! A Colossus! King Kong! (growls and beats chest) 1085 1086 Rosie: Out of my way, you ex English-teacher-to-be! (hits him with her bag) 1087 WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? (Rosie exits) 1088 1089 Albert: (yelling out the door) Rosie, come back! Do you hear me? Rosie! I need you! Rosie, 1090 please come back! Rosie… 1091

1092


ACT 2, Scene 3 – MacAfee’s House (kitchen) 1093 1094 Albert: (family enters) And I don’t care how you plead and beg, Miss Alvarez, you’re 1095 through here at Almaelou! You’re fired! Sorry to have to do this in front of you folks, but 1096 I’ve had to let Miss Alvarez go. (phone rings) I’ll get that. 1097 Mr. MacAfee: (a little too loudly. As he sits down) Probably Hong Kong again. 1098 1099 Albert: Hello, this is Albert Peterson speaking. I’m sorry but Miss Rose Alvarez is no 1100 longer with us. That’s right… (stays on the phone and mimes a long phone call) 1101 1102 Kim: (runs downstairs with many bags) Miss Alvarez! Wait for me! I’m coming! 1103 Mr. MacAfee: Where do you think you’re going, young lady? 1104 1105 Kim: With Rosie! To drain deep the dregs and sip full-hearty the brimming cup. To live! 1106 I’m going to start by dying my hair! 1107 Mrs. MacAfee: You will do no such thing! 1108 1109 Kim: It’s my hair! 1110 Mr. MacAfee: Not until you’re twenty-one, it’s not! Upstairs. 1111 1112 Kim: But Daddy… 1113 Mr. MacAfee: Upstairs. Do you hear me? I said… upstairs. 1114 1115 Kim: Miss Alvarez was right! You’re all the same. From puberty to Mussolini. (exits outside) 1116 Mr. MacAfee: What’s that? You dare say “puberty” in front of your own father? Mrs. 1117 MacAfee… we’ve failed as parents! I never asked much from my children. Just respect. A 1118 little respect. But did I get respect? I did not get respect. I get no respect. 1119 1120 Randolph: I respect you, Pa. (Albert increases miming upset gestures on phone) 1121 Mr. MacAfee: I don’t want your respect. You’re a child. Mrs. MacAfee, take me upstairs. I’m 1122 not a well man. Certain words I didn’t want to hear in this house: puberty… (groans, exits) 1123 1124 Albert: (finishing phone call) Now look here! I don’t care what rag you’re from. No small-1125 time reporter can bulldoze me! I happen to be Albert J. Peterson and you can print that in… 1126 what did you say your magazine is called again? Life? (hangs up) Rosie, I need you! (bolts) 1127 1128 Mama: (from offstage) I’m coming Sonny!!! (appears) Albert! Where are you going? 1129 Albert: To look for Rosie, Mama. I love her and I want her back! 1130 1131 Mama: Is that all? I thought it was something serious. By all means, bring her back. When 1132 you get back, be sure to stop in the kitchen, take my head out of the oven and turn off the gas. 1133 Albert: Mama, it’s electric. And I’ve had enough of this! If you really loved me, you’d help! 1134 1135 Mama: Oh, sonny, you’re right! I’ll help you find her. (they go out) Only maybe I better give 1136 you the message from Conrad first: he just says he’s going out tonight and he doesn’t think 1137 he’ll get back in time to kiss Kim tomorrow… 1138


ACT 2, Scene 4 – Outside MacAfee’s House 1139 1140

Conrad: (entering) Take it easy! I’m coming… And before you start hollering, Albert, I 1141 just want you to know that I’ve made up my mind. I’m tired of getting up at 9am, having 1142 people watch me when I eat, and letting kids poke me in the eye. I want to have some fun! 1143 Meet a couple of girls! Don’t you understand, Albert. I am tense! 1144 1145 Albert: You can’t go out without my permission! It says so in your contract! Mama, get 1146 the contract. It’s in my… never mind. I’ll get it myself. (goes back in, girls start to walk by) 1147 1148 No. 24: A Lot of Livin’ to Do 1149 Conrad: THERE ARE CHICKS, JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSING, 1150 AND I MEAN TO KISS ME A FEW! 1151 MAN, THOSE CHICKS DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE MISSING 1152 I GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO! 1153 1154 SIZZLING STEAKS ALL READY FOR TASTING, 1155 AND THERE’S CADILLACS ALL SHINY AND NEW. 1156 GOTTA MOVE, CAUSE TIME IS A-WASTING, 1157 THERE’S SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO! 1158 1159 Kim: THERE ARE MEN OF NINETEEN OR TWENTY 1160 WHO ARE SUAVE AND RECKLESS AND TRUE! 1161 OLDER MEN, WHO’LL GIVE A GIRL PLENTY 1162 I’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO 1163 1164 Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO 1165 PEOPLE TO SEE, EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME… 1166

(stops singing) Hey, you kids live here, don’t you? 1167 1168

Harvey: Yes, Mr. Birdie. 1169 1170 Conrad: What’s the lowdown on this town? 1171 1172 Harvey: Sweet Apple, Ohio was founded in 1852 by Jeremiah S. Apple who… 1173 1174 Conrad: I mean what do you DO here? Where do you go to have fun? 1175 1176 Penelope: Well, there’s the community center, and the Country Store. 1177 1178 Betty: …and the older kids go to the ice house. 1179 1180 Conrad: What’s there? 1181 1182 Betty: I don’t know. Ice, I guess. 1183 1184


Kim: It just so happens, Mr. Birdie, that the ice house is where people go when they want 1185 to be alone. 1186 1187 Conrad: Hey, ain’t you the girl I was supposed to kiss? 1188 1189 Kim: I am a fully-grown woman and I insist on being treated as such. 1190 That’s why I’m leaving home. 1191 1192 Conrad: Now you’re talking! Come on, let’s move! We got things to do! 1193 1194 (Special dance at some point for Helen, Nancy, April, Deborah Sue, Anna, Eleanor) 1195 1196 Boys: CRAZY CLOTHES AND MOTOR BOAT RACES 1197 Birdie and Girls: SOMEONE NICE TO CUDDLE UP TO 1198 1199 Kim and Ursula: BROADWAY LIGHTS AND WIDE-OPEN SPACES 1200 1201 All: THERE’S SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO 1202

LOTS OF DATES AND NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU! 1203 LOOP THE LOOP AND LAUGH AT THE VIEW! 1204 MOONLIGHT SWIMS AND SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU, Yeah! 1205 YEAH WE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO WOW! 1206

1207 Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY Kids: YOU KNOW IT 1208 Conrad: PLACES TO GO Kids: YOU KNOW IT! 1209 Conrad: PEOPLE TO SEE! EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME! 1210 1211 All: OH LIFE’S A BALL, IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT, 1212

AND IT’S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU! 1213 YOU’RE ALIVE! SO COME ON AND SHOW IT! 1214 OH WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING, SUCH A LOT OF LIVING 1215 WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO 1216

1217 Mayor/Edna: Alice, where are you? You know you were told to go straight to bed! 1218 1219 Mr./Mrs. Johnson: Harvey Johnson, I want you home this minute! Where are you darling? 1220 1221 Mr./Mrs. Merkle: Do you hear me, Ursula? Mother’s calling you! Ursula! 1222 1223 Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO, PEOPLE TO SEE 1224

EVERYTHING (Kids: Yeah!) FOR YOU AND ME. 1225 1226 All: OH LIFE’S A BALL, IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT, 1227

AND IT’S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU! 1228 YOU’RE ALIVE! SO COME ON AND SHOW IT! 1229 OH WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING, SUCH A LOT OF LIVING 1230 WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO. OOOOOOOOOOOOO! 1231


Suzie: Isn’t this so incredibly exciting? 1232 1233 Daphne: You said it! I can’t wait to Loop the Loop! 1234 1235 Gigi: Neither can I! 1236 1237 Lisa: Exactly what IS Loop the Loop? 1238 1239 Gigi: I have no idea! But I can’t wait! 1240 1241 Hugo: Robert! Have you seen Kim? 1242 1243 Robert: Yeah! She went off with Conrad and a bunch of other kids. 1244 1245 Monty: Hey Robert! Are you going to raise heck with the kids? 1246 1247 Robert: Yeah… but I had to go home first. 1248 If my mom sees me without my sweater, she’ll kill me! 1249 1250 Monty: Yeah… that’s why I’m late, too. Let’s go! 1251 1252 Melanie: Motorboat Races! That sounds like sooooooo much fun! 1253 1254 Nanette: Yeah! And they’ll be even MORE fun if we can find some water! 1255 1256 Mr. MacAfee: Kim! Kim, where are you? Hugo, have you seen Kim? 1257 1258 Hugo: Don’t ask me. Ask Conrad Birdie… 1259 1260 Mr. MacAfee: What are you talking about? 1261 1262 Hugo: They’re out together having moonlight swims and loop the loop! I’m going to do the 1263 only sensible thing, and drink myself to death! (He runs out.) 1264

1265


ACT 2, Scene 5 – MacAfee House (outside) 1266 Mr. MacAfee: Moonlight swims… Loop the loop! (yells) Doris, get my gun! 1267 1268 Albert: (runs onstage) Mr. MacAfee, you haven’t seen Conrad, have you? 1269 Mr. MacAfee: No, but I intend seeing him, Mr. Peterson. So if you have a message, 1270

I’ll be glad to deliver it right after I shoot him. 1271 Albert: Shoot him! Rosie! I’ve got to find Rosie! (exits, 4 housewives enter) 1272 1273 Mrs. Ward: Harry MacAfee, what are you talking about? You know you don’t have a gun! 1274 Mr. MacAfee: There’s that Daisy Air Rifle in the garage. 1275 Randolph: (sarcastically, from offstage) That’s Randolph’s, dear. 1276 Mr. MacAfee: Shut up. I wonder where I can buy B-Bs this late at night… 1277 Mrs. MacAfee: Anyway, it’s broken, dear… 1278 1279 Mr. MacAfee: Then get me anything! That bow and arrow I bought you for your birthday 1280 with the suction tips! Don’t just stand there! My daughter has run off to loop the loop with a 1281 fiend! Get me a water gun! Where’s Randolph? 1282

(Randolph enters dressed like Conrad.) 1283 1284 No. 25: Kids 1285 Mr. MacAfee: KIDS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY. 1286 KID, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY? 1287 KIDS, THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT DISRESPECTFUL OAFS 1288 NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY LOAFERS 1289 AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT 1290 1291 KIDS, YOU CAN TALK AND TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE.. 1292 Mr./Mrs. Johnson: KIDS, BUT THEY STILL DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. 1293 Mr/ Mrs. Merkle: WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY? 1294 Mr./Mrs. J and M: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? 1295 1296 Ladies quartet singing: KIDS, 1297

(Mr. MacAfee: I don’t mind the moonlight swims; it’s the loop the loop that hurts.) 1298 KIDS, (Why don’t they lower the draft age… to about eleven?) 1299 KIDS, (I didn’t know what puberty was until I was almost past it!) 1300 1301 Mrs. MacAfee: KIDS, THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL 1302 Mrs. Ward: KIDS, WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL 1303 Ladies Quartet: WHY CAN’T THEY DANCE LIKE WE DID? 1304 Mr. MacAfee: WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAMMY KAYE? (music stops) 1305 1306 Randolph: Pop, here’s my pea shooter! 1307 Mr. MacAfee: Perfect! Give it to me! 1308 1309 Men and Housewives of SA: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? 1310

[Blackout]1311


ACT 2, Scene 6 – Outside Fern’s Country Store 1312 1313 Hugo: Miss Alvarez, my whole world is collapsing before me! No one in Fern’s will give me 1314 a drink and Kim’s run off with Conrad to the ice house. 1315 1316 Rosie: Kim and Conrad! I’ve got to call Albert! Hugo, come with me! (exit into Fern’s) 1317 1318 Dwight: (leading Albert, who is leading Mama) Here is it, sir. Fern’s Country Store. 1319 1320 Albert: Here I come, Rosie! I told you I’d be right there! Hurry, Mama! 1321 1322 Mama: I don’t know why we have to go running around all night looking for someone it 1323 would be better not to find in the first place. (Dwight exits) 1324 1325 Albert: Mama, I told you I’m not coming home until I find Rosie! Now if you want to 1326 leave, that’s okay with me. As a matter of fact, why don’t you go home, Mama. 1327 1328 Mama: What did you say, sweetheart? 1329 1330 Albert: I said, “Why don’t you go home, Mama?” 1331 1332 Mama: Would you mind repeating that once more, dear? 1333 1334 Albert: I said, “Go home, Mama.” I don’t need you anymore. 1335 1336 Mama: So it’s here! The day I knew would come at last, has come at last! 1337 My sonnyboy doesn’t need me anymore. Well, what are you waiting for? (waits, no reaction) 1338 Get rid of me! Put me out with the garbage! Never mind putting a lid on. Leave it open so a 1339 hundred thousand pussycats can walk all over a mother. (starts to leave, turns) 1340 1341 And by the way, sweetheart, darling, I got some good news for you. I got the report from 1342 the hospital. It’s absolutely definite. I got a condition. (turns to assess whether he is listening) 1343 1344 And the one thing doctors can’t cure is a condition. I don’t want you to worry, though. 1345 Fancy funerals are for rich people. I don’t want you to spend a cent. Just wail ‘til Mother’s 1346 Day, wrap me in a flag, and dump me in the river! (proceeds out) 1347 1348 Albert: Goodnight, Mama. 1349 1350 Mama: You’re just like your father! You’d marry anything! Goodnight, Sonnyboy! 1351 1352 Albert: My name is not Sonnyboy! 1353 1354 Mama: Goodniiiiiiiiiiiight…. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaalbert! (exits) 1355 1356 No. 31: Instrumental Glory, Hallelujah 1357


ACT 2, Scene 7 – Outside Fern’s Country Store 1358 Dwight: (leading Mr. MacAfee) Here he is, sir. Right where I left him. 1359 Mr. MacAfee: (enters) Mr. Peterson! Have you seen Conrad and Kim? (Dwight runs out) 1360 Albert: (a new man) Ah, there, Mr. MacAfee! Unfortunately, I must tell you that Conrad’s 1361 affairs no longer interest me. I’m looking for Miss Alvarez now to tell her that… 1362 (stops suddenly) Did you say “Conrad and Kim”??? 1363 1364 Mrs. MacAfee: They’ve run off together! 1365 Mr. MacAfee: And if we don’t find them soon, Mr. Peterson, I will call the FBI! 1366 Albert: I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about… 1367 1368 Dwight: (running in, out of breath, leading Mrs. Merkle) Here they are, Mrs. Merkle. 1369 Mr. Merkle: Mrs. MacAfee! Mr. MacAfee! Have you seen Ursula? (Dwight staggers out) 1370 All: Ursula? 1371 1372 Mrs. MacAfee: Is she missing, too? 1373 Mrs. Merkle: Since ten o’clock! I’ve looked everywhere! 1374 Mr. MacAfee: Mr. Peterson! 1375 1376 Dwight: (appears, gasping, followed by parents, Mayor, Edna) 1377 Mrs. Johnson: Mrs. MacAfee, you haven’t seen Harvey, have you? 1378 Mothers: (adlib) And Melanie! And Monty! 1379 1380 Albert: They’re probably all down at the library… maybe having one of those gang wars! 1381 (realizes what he said and exits, dragged out by Dwight) 1382 All: Gang wars!! 1383 1384 No. 32: Kids Reprise 1385 All: KIDS! 1386 Mrs. Merkle: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY 1387 1388 All: KIDS! 1389 Mrs. Johnson: WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY 1390 1391 Randolph: KIDS, THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS AND SO IMMATURE, 1392 I DON’T SEE WHY ANYBODY WANTS ‘EM. 1393 Mrs. MacAfee: JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE 1394 1395 Randolph, Dwight, Jerry: KIDS, THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL 1396 Mrs, Ward: SOON YOU’LL BE OLD ENOUGH TO BE 1397 1398 Randolph, Fred, Karl: KIDS, W/ THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES & THEIR ROCK & ROLL 1399 Edna: ANOTHER TEENAGE DELINQUENT, 1400 1401 Randolph: WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE YOU WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY 1402 WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS… TO… 1403


All: KIDS, WHAT THE DEVIL’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY 1404 KIDS, WHO COULD GUESS THAT THEY WOULD TURN OUT THAT WAY 1405 WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY 1406 1407 Edna & Mrs. MacAfee: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS 1408 Randolph: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS 1409 All: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY! 1410 1411 Hugo: (enters drunk from store) Hi, everybody! Good old Hugo here! 1412 Mrs. MacAfee: Hugo Peabody! What have you been drinking? 1413 Hugo: Milk. But it worked! Anyhow, I’ve got a perfect right to be drunk. 1414 My girl’s gone off with Conrad Birdie to… 1415 1416 Rosie: (enters) Albert! 1417 1418 Albert: (enters) Rosie! Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you all night! I have 1419 good news for you, Rosie! I did it! I sent Mama home! I am a new man, Rose! 1420 1421 Rosie: Albert, Conrad and Kim have gone to the ice house! 1422 1423 Parents: (adlib) The ice house! Call the police! 1424 1425 Conrad: (enters) Albert! Thank God you’re here! You gotta protect me! 1426 Albert: Protect you? From what? (screams from all corner of the stage and audience) 1427 1428 Ursula: (entering with kids) Conrad! 1429 Lisa: We’re coming with you, Mr. Birdie! Do you mind if I call you Conrad? 1430 Conrad: Coming with me??? 1431 1432 Fred: Yeah! We’ve got a lot of living to do! 1433 Betty: We’ll follow you to the ends of the earth! 1434 Clara: We’ll never go home again! Except for meals! 1435 1436 Daphne: Nothing ever happened in Sweet Apple until you showed up! 1437 Eleanor: Yeah. It was kind of like The Music Man, but different! 1438 1439 Nanette: We’ll never be bored again!!! 1440 Anna: Moonlight Swims! 1441 1442 Roy: Motorboat races! 1443 Karl: Loop the loop! 1444 Roy: Does ANYONE know what Loop the loop is??? 1445 1446 Vanessa: We’ll go to parties every weekend! 1447 Suzie: Just like in the 7th grade! 1448 Conrad: That stuff really ain’t as much fun as I made out… (Cop enters) 1449


Mr. MacAfee: There he is! The depraved brute! Arrest that man! 1450 (Boys all run out, afraid of the Sweet Apple Cop) 1451 (Each parent grabs two girls leaves; remaining few girls and Hugo and Kim stay with Birdie.) 1452 1453 Cop: Well now, what have you got to say, Mr. Birdie? 1454 1455 Conrad: (to cop) Help me. 1456 1457 Cop: I’ll have to place you under arrest until this gets straightened out. 1458 1459 Conrad: Finally, a normal person in this town. 1460 1461 Cop: But first, can I have an autograph? (Cop takes Conrad out, quick change for last scene) 1462 (They are followed by remaining girls except for Kim and Hugo) 1463 1464 Kim: Hugo! 1465 1466 Hugo: Kim! 1467 1468 Kim: Hugo, I still want to live, but not if it’s without my steady. (they exit) 1469 1470 Albert: I’ve got to get Conrad out of jail. 1471 1472 Rosie: Listen to me! You go back to the house and I’ll go down to the courthouse and 1473 try talking to the mayor… 1474 1475 Albert: Rose, did you hear me? This is the new Albert! Now listen to ME. 1476 Pack and meet me and Conrad down at the station by 6:30am tomorrow morning. 1477 And bring the necessary legal papers, because I intend making you Mrs. Peterson by 2400 1478 hours tomorrow! (runs out after Conrad to change for last scene) 1479 1480 Rosie: Oh, Albert! 1481 1482 Mama: YOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (enters, stops suddenly) Oh, hello, Rose. 1483 1484 Rosie: Hello, Mae. (shaking hands politely) 1485 It’s so nice to see the woman who by tomorrow evening I’ll be able to call… 1486 1487 Mama: Don’t say it! 1488 1489 Rosie: Mother. 1490 1491 Mama: The cruelest word I ever heard. I’d better go now. Goodbye, Rose. 1492 1493 Rosie: Call me Mrs. Peterson. 1494

[Lights Blackout, 6 chimes]1495


ACT 2, Scene 8 – Sweet Apple Railroad station (morning) 1496 1497 Albert: There’s no one here! Come on… 1498 1499 Conrad: (dressed like Rosie, in women’s clothes) Now look, Albert. 1500 1501 Albert: Shut up and get on that train! It took every cent I had to bail you out, and I don’t 1502 want you seen until we’re out of this state! Now get aboard! 1503 1504 Conrad: Wait a minute, buddy boy! You saved my life, and whether you pay me no 1505 guarantee or not… you got a contract with me forever. 1506 1507 Albert: Conrad, what are you saying? 1508 1509 Conrad: Here’s a blank piece of paper I signed my name to, Albert. You just fill in 1510 whatever you want. (Albert reads the paper and gets very excited.) 1511 1512 Mama: (appearing right behind him) Hello, Albert. 1513 1514 Albert: (he freezes) Mama! 1515 1516 Mama: (to Conrad) Rose, you look good for a change! 1517 (to Albert) I know all about you two. Don’t worry. I won’t make a fuss. 1518 (starts to lie down on the train tracks) I’ll do what any intelligent mother has to do. 1519 1520 Albert: Mama, get up and get on that train! I have no time for any nonsense… 1521 1522 Mr. MacAfee: (enters) Just a moment, Mr. Peterson. I demand to know what you’ve done 1523 with Mr. Birdie! He’s not in the jail! 1524 1525 Albert: How should I know where he is? I haven’t seen him all night. I’m just down 1526 here to say goodbye to… Rosie. (Conrad opens soda which spews.) 1527 1528 Conrad: (he sees Mr. MacAfee) Daddy-O! 1529 1530 Mr. MacAfee: (shocked) Mr. Peterson! 1531 1532 Mrs. MacAfee: Now there’s no point getting excited, dear! After all, there’s no real harm 1533 done. Kim and Hugo are back together again. As a matter of fact, the sweetest thing 1534 happened. He proposed to her this morning and she accepted. 1535 1536 Mr. MacAfee: AHHHH!!! 1537 1538 Mrs. MacAfee: Dear, what’s wrong? 1539 1540 Mr. MacAfee: My life is over now. I’ll sell the house and go into a home. (they exit) 1541


Conrad: (escorting Mama) Yoo hoo! Albert, the train’s leaving! Get on! 1542 1543 Albert: Bye, Conrad. 1544 1545 Mama: Albert!!! 1546 1547 Conrad: Albert, don’t leave me with your Mother!!!! (train whistles and pulls away) 1548 1549 No. 38: We Love You, Conrad Reprise 1550 Offstage Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. 1551 WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. 1552 WHEN YOU”RE NOT NEAR US, WE”RE BLUE. 1553 OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU. (train whistle) 1554 1555 Rosie: (enters) Well, here I am, Albert. Six-thirty on the button. Where’s the train? 1556 1557 Albert: Rosie: 1558 It left at six-twenty-five… Albert, you told me to be here at … 1559 …with Conrad. … at six thirty sharp. I know because… 1560 …and Mama. Albert… you wanted to miss that train! 1561 1562 Albert: It stands to reason, Rose. (waits, no reaction) 1563 Why get on a train to New York when we’ve got tickets to Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? 1564 1565 Rosie: What’s in Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? 1566 1567 Albert: An opening in the teaching staff of Pumpkin Falls Middle School. I read about it 1568 in this morning’s paper. And I hope you’ve brought your documents, Rose, because they 1569 prefer the applicant to be married. 1570 1571 Rosie: You’re going to teach middle school! Oh, Albert! (they hug) 1572 No. X: Bye, Bye, Birdie Reprise 1573 All: BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, WE’RE GONNA MISS YOU SO, 1574 BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, WHY’D YOU HAVE TO GO? 1575 1576 Sweet Apple Girls: NO MORE SUNSHINE - IT’S FOLLOWED YOU AWAY, 1577 Adults: THEY’LL CRY BIRDIE ‘TILL YOU’RE HOME TO STAY. 1578 1579 Girls: I’LL MISS THE WAY YOU SMILE, AS THOUGH IT’S JUST FOR ME, 1580 AND EACH AND EVERY NIGHT I’LL WRITE YOU FAITHFULLY. 1581 1582 Adults: BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, THAT TRAIN WILL TAKE YOU THERE, 1583 All: BYE, BYE BIRDIE, GUESS WE’LL ALWAYS CARE… 1584 1585

Bows: 1586 JUST SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! 1587

bye bye birdie: working script for carlisle musical, march...

Documents