Building Characterswith the help of a mentor

textThrough Showing-Not-Telling

• Authors don’t just tell us what characters are like

• They show us through describing them and their actions, as well as sharing their thoughts with us

• Those thoughts really help us to get to know a character

Getting to know characters through what they think

From The Onion and the Astronaut, Treasures, grade 4, p.

87

Setting the stage…

“A woman wearing a sky-blue jogging suit got in line behind me. She was holding a cereal box. She smiled at me, and I smiled back.

Hmm, how do we know the setting is at the grocery store?

You’re right! The cereal box is a good clue.

Thought then action…

I decided to show her what a really good catcher I am. I made a wild and daring onion throw.

Thought

action

Action, then thought…

I missed the catch. The onion kept going, straight for the middle of the baby food castle. The castle was going to fall!

action

thought

action

Followed by more thoughts…

My folks would have to pay for every broken jar! The store manager would kill me. After that, my folks would bring me back to life to tell me things that would be much worse than death.

thought

thought

thought

Did you notice that it is not necessary to put thoughts in quotation marks or to say “I thought”?

I was paralyzed. I shut my eyes.I didn’t hear a crash. Maybe I had

gone deaf from fright. Or maybe I was in a time warp because of my fear. In fifty years the onion would land, and that would be the end of me.

Thought or

action?

Thought or action?

Thought, action, or both?

I felt a tap on my shoulder. If I opened my eyes, I would see the store manager and all the broken jars.

Action then thought

I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to know how bad it was.

Thoughts

Thoughts or action?

Then came a tap again, right on the top of my head.

I heard a woman’s voice. ‘I have your onion.’”

Actions

Our turn…

Let’s think about a time when we or someone we knew were caught

doing something silly or embarrassing

Such as…

• Touching wet paint before it was dry• Waving at someone who wasn’t waving at you• Knocking over a display in a store• Trying to get into the wrong car• Falling into a swimming pool by accident• Slipping and falling in a mud puddle• Bringing home the wrong lost dog• Walking into a wall or door• Trying to impress someone but opposite

happened

Our 4th grade brainstorming…

• Accidentally slipped on skateboard and fell into screen door

• Brother ran slap dab into glass wall• Ran into grocery store door that

wouldn’t open• Called dog to come in and it ran into

door• Dog came in for bath, ran and slipped on

tile and fell into cabinet

What’s next?

• We need a few setting details• Followed by thoughts and actions• Let’s create our masterpiece together

Writing as a 4th grade groupSetting the stage…

Soccer was finally over and we went to our coach’s house for a celebration picnic. Our captain Max was holding the trophy over his head and all the team members were cheering and jumping up and down with excitement.

I decided to show Max what a really good athlete I am because I wanted to impress him. I made a daring kick to show how I could do a kick from behind so that the ball would sail forward over my head.

Thought

action

I misjudged the kick and the ball went straight up in the air and started to sail backwards towards the trophy. The trophy was going to fall and break.

action

action

thought

My team will kill me. After that the coach will bring me back to life and make me run laps. How much money do I have to have to repair it? What am I going to do? Max is going to think I’m a really good athlete now!

thought thought

thoughts

I was paralyzed. I closed my eyes. I didn’t hear a sound. Maybe I had gone deaf with fright. Or maybe it was a bad dream and I really didn’t kick the ball.

action

action

thoughts

Suddenly I heard a big splat and everyone gasped as the soccer ball landed slap, dab in the middle of our celebration cake!

action

Student group work

Engaging leads…Setting the Scene for an “Oh No”

Moment

4th grade group one work, setting the stage…

A man wearing a black suit with a white crisp shirt and a red tie was sitting next to me at the dinner table. I knew that my mom and dad wanted me to impress this man because he was my dad’s new boss. I realized I had to be on my best behavior. That meant that when the roast beef and mashed potatoes came to the table, I should let the guest be served first and not dive in like I usually do.

I decided to just sit and listen to their talk about UK beating Louisville although I was dying to join in because I love UK. Since I was not talking, I heard a strange noise.

Tap, tap, tap, I heard above our heads.

I rolled my eyes up at the ceiling, wondering what that mysterious noise was, hoping that my mom would not say “you had better not be rolling your eyes at me” like she did when I really was rolling my eyes at her.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Through the ceiling vent, I saw something black and furry. Oh no, whatever it is will fall slap dap in the middle of the table.

My mom started to serve the food and I didn’t know what to do. Should I tell her there was something coming through the ceiling? Or should I keep quiet?

I had no choice because within a split second there was our cat falling straight for the dinner table!

4th grade group two work, setting the stage

The Slip…Katie was wearing a pink dress with

white ruffles. Her class got in the lunch line behind ours. Our eyes met from a distance. She smiled at me, and I smiled back.

I decided I would sit next to her at her table today.

The aroma of pizza was making me hungrier by the second. I couldn’t wait to get my food and sit down by Katie.

With my delicious pizza on my tray, I headed for her table with my eyes on her cute face. The next thing I knew, I was slipping… I closed my eyes not wanting to know the consequences.

Who is going to clean up my mess? The janitor will kill me. After that, my parents will bring me back to life to tell me that I can’t ever eat pizza again. I’ll never impress Katie now. I have been trying to get her to notice me since second grade.

I opened my eyes to see Katie holding my lunch tray.

“Are you OK, Jeremiah?” she asked sweetly.

5th grade group workTrampoline Triumphs

The crisp fall air felt good on my face as I arrived at my friend’s farm. I could hear some of my friends playing football at the bottom of the field. Others were jumping in the leaves and enjoying the sound of crackling and crunching. Some were playing four square. I didn’t know where to go first but I heard someone yelling to me

“Ben, come over here to the trampoline.”

I decided this was the moment I had been waiting for. My big chance to show off my acrobatic skills. Finally, all my practicing jumping, turning, twisting, flipping, somersaulting would pay off and I could impress my friends.

“OK everyone. You are now going to see what Big Ben can do,” I called out.

5th grade group workSlam Dunk!

The sound of the crowd cheering in the basketball arena filled my mind with excitement. The clock was counting down the final seconds of the first half. My heart was pounding like a drum inside my chest as I realized my big moment was coming. Within minutes I would be able to show off my dunking skills to 24,000 people.

“Are you ready for some action? Are you ready to see what our amazing young talent can do?” the big voice of the announcer resounded throughout the arena.

My feet felt glued to the floor as my dad nudged me forward. I realized I was scared stiff. What if I miss the dunk? What if the crowd jeers instead of cheers? What if I trip over the ball and fall flat on my face?

I found myself at center court. The ref tossed a ball to me and I completely froze. Hearing the cheerleaders cheering me on, I suddenly got my courage back. I planted my feet on the half court line. I put my left hand behind the ball and my right hand in the proper position…

Now your turn…

Two together

Two together…

• With a partner, create another scene with a different situation

• Create a character, action and thoughts• Follow the same steps and don’t forget

the setting

Students working together – first draft

Bethany was sitting at the edge of the pool waiting for me to dive in and she smiled at me and I smiled back.

I decided to show her what a really good diver I am. I arched my back, put my hands forward and jumped in.

I felt my shorts slip from my waist. I’m going to have to face Bethany and she will laugh her head off. I will never be able to face her again or any of her friends.

I swam to the edge and tried to hide, shutting my eyes tight. I didn’t hear anybody laugh. Maybe they all ran away. I dared to put my hands in the water and realized that I hadn’t lost my shorts after all.

Teacher group response Waving at someone who isn’t waving at you

The concourse seemed to grow with energy as the crowd jostled one another clutching their tickets to their chests. You could hear “go BIG BLUE” coming from within the upper arena where the real fans are. I wanted to be a part of the excitement but being alone I was feeling just a little insecure.

I decided to scan the crowd for a familiar face. In the back of the line I saw a hand waving excitedly in the air. Catching a glimpse of the curly blond hair escaping her Big Blue cap and a familiar Rolex, I waved back enthusiastically as she started walking toward me.

That’s great, I won’t have to watch the game alone. Judy’s sharp wit was sure to make the game more entertaining. She was always such a basketball fan when we were room mates in college. I wonder if she has changed.

I jumped out of line to greet her. She stopped in her tracks to embrace the man in front of me!

My face burning for more reasons than one – not only had I lost my place in line, but also I was so embarrassed – I tried to pretend I was waving at someone further back in line. I guess my sight isn’t what it used to be.

Reflection…

• How did examining writer’s craft in the story The Onion and the Astronaut help you in writing your own narrative?

• What happens to your “oh no” moment if you add some drama to your lead/setting?

• How does adding thoughts help a writer to show-not-tell?

Independent Writing…

• Go back to a previous entry in your writing journal or folder

• Find a place where you can add thoughts to support the action(s) you have already created for a character

References

Adapted from the work of:

Lynne R. Dorfman @ Rose Cappelli in Mentor Texts

Lucy Calkins’ Units of Study for Primary Writing

By Jennifer BernhardClark County Schools

Jennifer.bernhard@clark.kyschool.us