BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS: RESOLVING

CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE

Rick MillerSchool of Family Life

Brigham Young University

From time to time I hear a person say something like, "Why, we have been married for fifty years, and we have never had a difference of opinion." If that is literally the case, then either one of the partners is overly dominated by the other, or someone is a stranger to the truth. I am not suggesting that every marriage suffers from knock-down, drag-out arguments filled with contention and vindictiveness. I am referring to honest differences in how we look at things….

…Coming from different backgrounds and circumstances, any intelligent couple will have some differences of opinion…. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better.

Elder Joe J. Christensen

Common Marital Problems among Couples in Therapy

Communication (87%) Leadership Issues (62%) Unrealistic Expectations (50%) Sex (47%) Conflict Management (47%) Demonstration of affection (45%) Money management (43%) Lack of Loving Feelings (40%) Children (38%) Serious Individual Problems (38%)

Marital Problems among Generally Happy Couples

Financial matters (27%) Sexual issues (24%) Dealing w/ children (23%) Emotional intimacy (19%) Housecleaning (18%) Communication (15%) Parents/In-laws (11%) Decision making (10%) Leisure activities (9%)

Marital Problems in LDS Sample

Financial Issues in Marriage

Financial assets are positively related with marital satisfaction.

Consumer debt is negatively related to poor marital quality and higher divorce rates.

Perceiving that spouse handles money poorly (too tight or overspending) is related to poor marital quality.

Higher consumer debt is related to more arguments in marriage, even when not about money.

Fights about money are more heated, last longer, and are less likely to be resolved.

Why is money such a big issue?

Creates a great deal of stress

Taps into Core Issues (stay tuned…..)

Spouses have different expectations, scripts, and standards about money and how to manage it.

Regretfully, there is all too much misery among some of the marrieds. I believe this need not be. I believe that where the gospel of Jesus Christ is lived—where there is unselfishness and mutual respect and kindness and forgiveness, there can be happiness and love and eternal life in the most sacred of all human relationships.

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Of all of the difficult and discouraging responsibilities I have, the most difficult and the most discouraging is handling cancellation of sealings. Most of those requests come from women—women who on their marriage day were in the house of the Lord, in each case with the young man she loved. And then as the years passed there was argument, anger, losing temper, throwing a chair across the room and other such foolish and unnecessary things, until all love was gone and hatred had taken its place. Now, having run their course, there comes a request for a cancellation of a temple sealing…

…You can trace it all to selfishness, thinking of oneself instead of one's companion. . . . Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through the eternity yet to come.

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Dictators

We have heard of men who have said to their wives, "I hold the priesthood and you've got to do what I say." Such a man should be tried for his membership. Certainly he should not be honored in his priesthood.

Spencer W. Kimball

To men within the sound of my voice, I say, if you are guilty of demeaning behavior toward your wife, if you are prone to dictate and exercise authority over her…. then stop it. Repent. Repent now, while you have the opportunity to do so. (Gordon B. Hinckley, April 1984 Ensign)

Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed.

Elder H. Burke Peterson

Fighters…And there shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.

3 Ne. 11:28-30

Some [men] put on a fine face before the world during the day and come home in the evening set aside their self-discipline, and on the slightest provocation fly into outbursts of anger. No man who engages in such evil and unbecoming behavior is worthy of the priesthood of God. No man who so conducts himself is worthy of the privileges of the house of the Lord….

…I regret that there are some men undeserving of the love of their wives and children. There are children who fear their fathers, and wives who fear their husbands. If there be any such men within the hearing of my voice, as a servant of the Lord I rebuke you and call you to repentance.

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Avoiders

Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. Matt. 5:23-24

Peace… is not just the absence of war. It is the opposite of war.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks.

In family discussion, differences should not be ignored, but should be weighed and evaluated calmly. One’s point or opinion usually is not as important as a healthy, continuing relationship. Courtesy and respect in listening and responding during discussions are basic in proper dialogue....How important it is to know how to disagree with another’s point of view without being disagreeable.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton

It helps children to see that good parents can have differing opinions and that these differences can be worked out without striking, yelling, or throwing things. They need to see and feel calm communication with respect for each other’s viewpoints so they themselves will know how to work through differences in their own lives.

Elder Robert D. Hales

Peacemakers

The goal is to build peace in our relationships. The Savior taught, “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be call the children of God.” (Matt. 5:9) Peace brings the Spirit back into our homes and our relationships. Peace allows us to become one again.

Two Kinds of Marital Problems Solvable

– Usually situational– Aren’t tied to deep emotional issues in the marriage

Perpetual– Repeated efforts don’t resolved it. – Disagreement symbolized deeper conflict (core issue or

unfulfilled dream) – Conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner. – Spouses become entrenched and are unwilling to budge.– Discussions lead spouses to vilify each other. – Spouse’s positions get increasingly polarized. – Emotional detachment eventually takes over.

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

Matt. 18:15

How do we make peace?

First cease hostilities, then negotiate peace. Can’t negotiate peace until you both calm

down. Expressing yourself and venting are

different than negotiating peace. After your emotions are relatively calm and

you both feel respected, then you can negotiate.

Discussion Phase Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQ

Y_1dc Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-

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Solving Solvable Problems

1. Soften your Startup– Complain, don’t blame or criticize– Make “I” statements– Describe what is happening– Be polite– Express appreciation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bShsyKUFjKE

Solving Solvable Problems

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqPvgDYmJnY

Emotional Bank Account Marriage is like an emotional bank account.

Expressions of love create “deposits” and criticism creates “withdrawals”.

Emotional bankruptcy happens when there is no more “money in the bank”.

Emotional bankruptcy makes it difficult to resolve conflict effectively.

Need 5:1 ratio to maintain healthy bank account.

Solving Solvable Problems

3. Soothe yourself and each other Flooding If flooded, need to take a break 4. Compromise

– Partnership is essential

Discussion Phase

Goals of discussion phase– Keep disagreement in perspective– Discuss only one issue; don’t globalize– Don’t discuss the past, unless it is clearly

relevant. – Stay on topic– Goal is to understand each other’s position and

feel understood.

Negotiating Peace Keep the conflict in perspective Try to deal with the core issues Stay on the topic; don’t globalize Take if break if one of you gets flooded Brainstorm all possible solutions—be

creative. Reach a consensus on a solution, where

BOTH feel satisfied with the solution.

Perpetual Problems Happy couples are able to stay happy even

though they have perpetual problems. They treat it like a chronic physical illness

like a bad back or a tennis elbow. – They don’t let the issue dominate their

relationship. They keep the issue in its place and develop

a sense of humor about it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5afut

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Core Issues vs. common problems

Most day-to-day problems are rooted in more fundamental core issues.

Rather than quarreling about the day-to-day problems, it is much more efficient and helpful to work on the core issues.

Until the core issues are resolved, the surface skirmishes will continue.

Common Core Issues

Commitment Caring Appreciation Power/control Intimacy/distance Acceptance Trust Integrity

Core issues concerning money

Potential core issues:– Power– Integrity– Trust

Acceptance

Realize that the problem isn’t a “deal breaker”

Realize that you can still love your spouse even though you have this problem.

Learn to tolerate the problem. It just isn’t that big of a deal.

We loved each other; there was no doubt about that, but we also had to get used to each other. I think every couple has to get used to each other. Early on I realized it would be better if we worked harder to the used to each other than constantly try to change each other.

Sister Marjorie P. Hinckley

If the dissatisfied wife could behold the transcendent beauty of person, the Godlike qualities of the resurrected husband that she now despises, her love for him would be unbounded and unutterable. Instead of despising him, she would feel like worshipping him, he is so holy, so pure, so perfect, so filled with God in his resurrected body. There will be no dissatisfaction of this kind in the resurrection of the just. The faithful elders [will] have then proved themselves worthy of their wives and are prepared to be crowned gods, to be filled with all the attributes of the gods that dwell in the future eternity…

…Could the dissatisfied ones see a vision, even of the future glorified state of their husbands, love for them would immediately spring up within you, and no circumstance could prevail upon you to forsake them.

President Brigham Young

I wish with all of my heart that every marriage might be a happy marriage. I wish that every marriage might be an eternal partnership. I believe that wish can be realized if there is a willingness to make the effort to bring it to pass.

President Gordon B. Hinckley