birds have wings so they can fly
TRANSCRIPT
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BirdsHaveWingsSoTheyCanFly [email protected]
BirdsHaveWingsSoTheyCanFly
-ANovellabySamThorp-
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BirdsHaveWingsSoTheyCanFly
CHAPTER1
The6:45amalarm,asnormal.Wakingup,surprised,sherolledover.Behindhera
manwassleeping,hisbacktoher.SheknewhisnamewasMax,thathewasherhusband,
thathisbirthdaywasJuly10th,amonthago,thatheworkedasaninternationalrelations
consultant,thathelikedblackpudding,jazzandtennis.Howshefeltabouthimshedidnt
know,butshedidntlikethewaytheblackhairsonhisshouldersstoodoutfromthepale,
porousskin.Sherolledoveragain.Amillionmoteswerecaughtinabeamofsunlight.She
reachedoutahand,eagertofeelthewarmthonherskin.Thesunlightdisappeared;the
motesdissolved.Undertheshowersheenjoyedthehotjetonherface,streamingoverherstomach,
downherthighs.Afterwards,asshedideverymorning,sheputonherthickwhitedressing
gownandlookedatherselfinthemirror,preparingherself.Thismorningshelookedand
sawthefactsofherface:eyes,mouth,teeth,nose,butdidshelikethem?Sheknewthese
darkeyeswerehers,theeyesofKatjaSvenson,wifeofMax,motherofSven,butshedidnt
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trulyrecogniseherself.Shouldnttheyhavemorelife?Shecouldseethesignsof42ness
aroundhereyes,intheunevenelasticityofherskin.Itwasntthatshehadanactualpicture
towhichthisreflectiondidntmatch,shejustdidntrecogniseherself.KatjaSvensonwasa
stranger.Shelikedherdarkhair,eyebrows,theshapeofhereyes.Whensheturnedonthe
brightlightoverthemirror,theimagewastransformed.Illuminated,shesawthewidened
poresbetweenhereyes,thelackofsymmetryattheendshereyebrows,howthefinehairs
onherupperlipthickenedatthecornerofhermouth.Herteethwerenotwhite.Shewas
awarethatsheshouldfeelregretattheseimperfections,thatsignsofageing,ofdecay,slow
deathshouldbedisguised.
Shejustdidntfeelanythinginparticular.
Areyouok?Maxwasstandingbehindherwearingjustpinkstripedpyjama
bottoms.Hisbellywasround,paleandhairy,andhisarmswerethick.Hewrappedthose
thickarmsaroundher;shewatchedastheymetandoverlappedagainstthesterilewhiteof
herdressinggown.Sheenjoyedhistenderness,envelopingher.Howcouldsheexplainwhat
shewasgoingthrough?
IdreamedthatIdied.Imeanmybodydied.Itwasthefirstideathatcameintoher
head.Shepausedtoapplyaglossydetailtoherlips,afraidtolookathim.Buteventhough
myhearthadstopped,Icouldseeoutandwatcheveryone,eventhoughIwasdeadandthey
didntknowIwasstillthere.Ilaytherewatching,unfeelingShelookedtoseeifhecould
understand.Washervulnerabilityobvious?Sorry,Imnotmakinganysense
Hetightenedhisarmsaroundher.Hislipspressedintoherneckandhereached
downwithonehand,searchingfortheopeningintohergown.
Shetwistedawayfromhishand.
Christ,Max.
Shefeltanger.Sherecogniseditwhenshesawthecoldfrustrationinhiseyes.
Imtrying,Katja.Heglaredatherreflection.Sheglaredback.Histendernesswasjustaprecursorto
hisdesire;itmockedher.Andwiththisfeelingcamememories:hislust.Pressinghimself
againsther.Thenthetearsshedcriedinfrontoftheircounsellor,Camilla.Sooutof
character.Shedbeenaskingforunderstanding,affection.Shedidntknowwhatshewanted
anymore.
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Hewantedcontrolandsheresentedthat.
Heturnedandleft,pullingthedoorclosedbehindhim.Anoverweight,middle-aged
maninpyjamabottoms.WhowasKatjaSvensonthatshewouldbewiththisman?
Atherwardrobe,shefoundthebeginningsofananswer.Pullingoutacharcoalgrey
trousersuitandaplainblouse,shewonderedifthiswaswhatshewantedtowear.Theslim
cutlengthenedherlegs,theweavewasoffinewool,softandsensualagainstherfingertips,
thelabelwasChanel.Thequalitymeantsomethingtoher.Sheselectedsomeblacksatin
JimmyChoosthentwolargediamondearrings.TheywereananniversarygiftfromMax.
Sherememberedhisexpectantsmileasshedopenedthepresentationcase.Wasthat
gratitudeshedfelt,orguilt,orlove?
Thesunwasshiningin,creatingpatternsonthethickcreamcarpet.Shelookedat
KatjaSvensoninthefull-lengthmirror.Astreamofassociationscametomind:success,
affluence,desire,control,power.Shecouldhearbirdssingingandwenttothewindow.A
multitudeofsongsfilledthetrees.Themusicfilledher,sendingelectricchillsdownher
arms;herhandstingled.Shetookadeepbreathandclosedhereyes,sawwarmandorange
colours,feltaformofhappiness.
Inthekitchen,Svenwaseatingcereal,spoonclenchedinawhitefist.Acoldpanic
ranthroughher.HewasstaringattheTV:Atankrolledthroughadustycityscapeandfired
asingleshell,theblastechoedaroundtheroom.
Maxwasatthesink,puttinghiswashedbreakfastbowltodry.Onhiswayout,he
stoppedbesideher.
Wehavea6pmwithCamilla.Canyoustillmakeit?
Therewasprovocationinhisvoice.Sheheldbackherreply,watchingasSvens
sulleneyesfollowedthem.Ofcourse.
Justwantedtobesurenothinghadcomeup.Heseemedabouttoaddsomething
butleft.
ShelookedatSvenandcheckedherwatch.
Itssevenfifteen.Shouldntyoubeoff?
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Hepulledthehoodedtopoverhishead,shroudinghisfaceandspoonedinanother
mouthfulofhiscereal.Besidehimthebrightyellowandgoldpackagingscreamed,The
troubleistheytastetoogood.Theartfulexuberanceirritatedher.
Mustyoueatthosethingseveryday?sheasked.
Svenpushedhischairawayandwalkedout,tallandpale.
Shewantedtoshoutsomethingafterhim,thennoticedwithguiltthathedlefta
moundofsoftenedflakesinthebottomofbowl.Shescrapedthemintothewastedisposal.
Thedrivetotheofficewasachallengeinsomanyways.Justclimbingintothefront
seatoftheblackX5hadaggravatedtheoddsensationthatshedsteppedintosomeone
elseslife.Thecarinteriorwassimultaneouslyalienandfamiliar.Shewassurprisedthatthe
seatandpedalswerealignedforherandmoresurprisedwhensherecognisedthehair
bandsonthegearstickasherown.Shepulledherhairbackawayfromherface.
Thepowerinthepedalsgaveherthefirstcomfortablemomentoftheday.She
acceleratedalongthewindingcountryroads,thewindowsloweredtocapturetheripofthe
engineandtherushofthetrees.Beamsofsunlightstippledtheroad,thebonnetofthecar.
Thewhitelinesspedbeneathher.Thecanopyflashedgreenoverthewindscreen.Thewind
fresh.Therewassomethingpureinthedrivingexperience:shereactedwithoutthoughtor
feeling.Thecarresponded,slowingandquickeningasherfootbouncedfrombraketo
accelerator.Thesemi-automaticgearboxseemedtopre-empther.Shepushedthecar
onwards,tothelimitoftheroads.Hereshewasprotectedandwasntrequiredtointerpret
herworld,justsuckedtheadrenalin.Until,atajunction,amotorbikepulledoutjustalittle
toofarandshereacted,swervingintothemiddleoftheroadwitharushofterrorwhich
filledherheadandchest,throbbing.Thensoontherelease,alight-headedeuphoria
accompaniedbytheflutteringofherheart.Fearandthenrelief.Thefearfeltgood.Goodtorecogniseit;tobesoatonewithherself.
Herparkingspacewasclosetotheofficecomplex-aneerieashencuboidofglass
andsteelsquares.Shehopedherstrangemoodwouldliftonceshewasinthesecurityof
heroffice.
Intheatrium,theporterrushedtocalltheliftforher.
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Morning,MsSvenson.Lovelyweatherwerehaving.Lookslikeitlllastthroughthe
afternoon,hesaid,lookingatherfeet.
Morning,shesaid,uncertainhowtoaddresshim.Keith?MrKahn?Sherecognised
him,knewhisname,butcouldntremembereverhavingspokentohim.Shewasgladwhen
thedoorsclosedandshecouldcheckherhairinprivacy.Awayfromhisdiffidence.
Inherofficethephonewasalreadyringing.Sheansweredit,hesitatingasecond,
KatjaSvenson.
Goodmorning,KatjaSvenson.Yousoundvery
Inthelandscapedcourtyardofthebuilding,threeswanscircledontheornamental
pond.Shehadanagonisingphobiaofbirds,especiallytheirfeathers.Shetwistedclosedthe
blinds,suddenlyawarethat,withthesunshiningin,peopleonallthreesidescouldsee
directlyintoheroffice.Didshenormallyfeelsouncomfortablewiththat?
Lukewhat?Ohitsnothinghowareyou?
Phonetuckedonhershoulder,sheleanedunderherdesktoturnonherPC.
Idhopedtoseeyouearlier.Iwaitedinthecafundertheimpressionyoumight
popin.
Really?Thingshavebeenalittlestressed.
Svenagain?
Noohyeah,Isupposeitis.Look,canwetalklater?Ivegotalotonatthemoment.
Shefoughtthedesiretoslamthephonedown.IllcallyoulaterwhenIhavetime.Then
added,tryingtosoundconciliatory,OK?
Itllhavetobe.Callmeaftertwo.ThatChallengingStrategythingstartsatthree.He
hungupandshefeltherfistclencharoundthephone.Shesighedandreturnedittoits
cradle.
Her10.15waswithanewclientandshewassurprisedathowwellshegotthrough
it.Thereweremomentsthatwerevague,whenshefeltlikeshewaswatchingsomeoneelseactfrominsidetheirhead.Itoccurredtoher,assheranthroughherstandardintro-spiel,
thatherdifferentselvesexistedatdifferentspeeds,thatitwastheintensityofemotionthat
acceleratedtime,andaslongassheoperatedwithinthisfeeling-freebubble,observingbut
onlyrarelyfeelingemotion,timemovedveryslowly.Shecouldcontrolit.
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Katchamshaveaverydefiniteapproachtomarketing.Ourintentionisalwaysto
converteveryproducttoaserviceproposition.Productsarecommodities,butservicesare
experiences.Experiencescreateemotionsanddeliverunassailabledifferentiation.Our
achievementhasbeentocreateemotionalattachmentsbetweenconsumersandourclients.
Andwevedoneitfortyremanufacturers,genericdrugcompanies,andluxury
confectioners.Shepointedtothebrandlogosthatlituptheplasmascreen.Continental,
Panadol,Cadburys.Thesewerethesymbolsthatcorroboratedherwords.Thesegaveher
authority.Sheclickedthemouseandbroughtupanotherslideshowingajigsawofthe
worldsleadingconsumerbrands.Sheallowedtheassembledexecutivestoabsorbthem.
Eachleanedforward,penreadyandnotebookopentorevealanorganisedcalligraphyof
notes.Twoofthethreeexecutiveshadremovedtheirjackets;allhadshorthairandfatsteel
watchesontheirwrists.Hermediabuyer,AlanButton,atall,thin-lippedfinancialtypewith
alongnoseandsmallrectangularglasses,washeronlyback-up.Theidealfoil.Hesignalled
thateveryproposalwasbuiltonabedrockoffinanciallysolidmetrics,thatitwasthe
bottomlinethatmattered,thattheywoulddelivernotjustarationallydefensibleand
creativeproposition,butrevenuegrowth.Alanwasakeendownhillmountainbikerandfor
asecondshepicturedhiminaluridlycrabodystocking.Howdidyoufindoutthatdownhill
bikingwasyourpassion?
Backinheroffice,sheopenedherblindsandwatchedthehumantrafficstriding
busilythroughtheglasswalkwayonthenorthsideofthecourtyard.Katjaconsideredher
lackofhobbies-nothinglikemountainbikinganyway.Whatdidthatsayabouther?She
wasamother.Shewasasenioraccountmanager.Shewasahousewife.Sheswam400
metrestwiceaweek,atewholesomefood,watchedhercarbintake,aimedforarainbowof
fruitandveg,triedtoavoidhousework,maritalsex.
Why?Sheaskedherselfimpudently.
Thephoneinterruptedherdaydreaming.Themetallicbellresonatedaroundtheglasswallsofheroffice.Someonehadselectedthattoneasappropriatetothecompanys
corporateidentity-thekindofcreative,nonsense-freeapproachthattypifiedKatcham
Partners.Shereachedforthehandset,amazedthatinlessthantwentyyearsringtoneshad
evolvedbacktoasimplemechanicalbell.
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HiKat.Thevoicewashusky,slightlymasculine,theaccentfaintlyAmerican.Yawn.
PeterwantstogotoMauritiusagain.
Imagesflashedacrosshermind:Goldensands.Woodenchaletsonstiltsovertopaz
lagoons.Palmtrees.
Youpoorthing,sighedKatja.Ithoughtthingswerebetterbetweenyou.
Thelinewassilent.
OK,Katja,whatisit?
Thequestionmadeherafraid,asuddenspurtofdread,asifshehadsomepainful
secret.
Whatdoyoumean:whatisit?
Putitlikethis,sweetie,whenyoustartshowingempathy,Iknowyoureintrouble.
Oh,forGodssake,thatshardlyfair,Janet.Shelaughedawkwardly.Youmakeme
soundlikeacompletebitch.
Selfdoubt!ItsworsethanIthought.Comeon,spillFeelingguilty?
Katjacaughtthearomaofsomethingsweet,noputrid.Putridflesh.Herupperlip
andnostrilsrearedindisgust.
Icantreallysay.Ijustdontfeelmyself.Idontquiteknowwhatsgoingon.This
morningIwokeupandIjustfeltdifferentuninvolved.Ohgod,Idontknow.Maybeitsjust
becauseIhadanotherrun-inwithMax.MaybeitsbecauseLukeissodemanding.Butshe
knewitwasnt.Thiswassomethingmore.
Doyouthinkthisshrinkwhatshername?
Camilla.
ThisCamilla,isshethecauseorthecuretothislatestcrisis?
Christknows.Shessodrippy.AlwaysseemstotakeMaxsside.Itmakesme
questionherjudgement.Shewonderedforasecondifthatwaswhatshereallythought,or
wasitjustanautomaticresponse,defensive.Ha!Itwould.Canyoustilldolunch?IvegottogetoutofhereandIneedyoutohelp
mefindawaytogetoutofthisMauritianGulag.
Katjalistenedandconsidered.Somethingtoldherthiswasntreallysomethingshe
wantedtodo,butshealwayshadlunchwithJanet.Janetwasherconfidante.Whoelsecould
shetrust?
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Sure.Petruccios?shesaid.
One?
Seeyouthere.
Shelookedacrossthecourtyardagainandnoticedtherewasnograss.Justgrey
pebbles,tallevergreensandthedarkornamentalpond.Duetotheheightoftheglass
buildingssurroundingit,therewasonlyasmalltriangleofsun.Everyroomformedpartof
apanopticon.Katjaclosedtheblindsuntilonlyathincrackremained.
PetrucciosopenedontoboththecourtyardbelowKatjasofficeandtheentrance
lawntothebusinesspark.Janetwasattheirusualcornertablerestingheavilyonher
elbows,readingaglossymagazine,hershoulderlengthhaircarefullystyledtohangtoone
side.
Haveyouseenthis!criedJanet,asshepulledoutherchair.Mygod,itsamust
have.Itsoutrageous!Achinchilla-lineddaybag,Fendi.Theyrealimitededition.Imustget
oneputby.
Thewordchinchillaconjuredtheimageofabloatedgerbil,neckswollen,headand
earstoobigforitsbody;aminiaturisedelephantsqueezingitselfintofissuresbetween
Andeanmountainrocks.Whatawaste,shethought,allthatevolution,adaptingover
millenniatooneoftheharshestenvironmentstoproduceasuperiorliningforhandbags.
Wooo,Kat,areyoualright?Whereisyourmake-up?Youlooklikeaghost.
Please,Janet.Goeasy.Iamnothavingagoodday.
Janetlookedconfusedforasecond,seemedunsureofwhethertopounce,thenher
greeneyessoftened.Katjawasrelievedshestayedsilent.Shesettledherselfdown.
YoullneverguesswhatIbought...JanetopenedherblousetoshowKatjaarich
purplelacebra.ItsLaPerla.Iamsonaughty.Itlooksbeautiful.Itdid.Thefabricwasafreshbeetrootpurple,thecolourofa
monsoonsunset.Katja?...Areyoulistening?
Yes.Sortof.IguessImjusthungry.Katjawasawarethatshealwayshadsalad.
Thatsheneveratemuchlunchbecausethecarb-burnfromanafternoonatherdeskjust
didntjustifyit,butshefeltlikesomethingcomforting.
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ThewaitressappearedandKatjaorderedaFusilliCarbonara.Janetseyespopped
theatrically.Sheorderedherusual:atomatoandonionsaladandalargePinot.
Someoneisclearlygettinglaid,shewhisperedloudlyenoughforthesurrounding
tablestohear.
Katjasheartbeataccelerated,asheenofsweatcoveredherforehead,dampedher
palms.Shedugherfingernailsintoherflesh.Eyeswereonher.Herlegswererestless.
Therewasthatsmellagain,decay.
Janet,somethingsreallywrong.
Sheadjustedthepositionofthetablemenusoitshieldedthetworedflowersinthe
vase.Theintricatebeautyofthecrownofpetalsstruckher:thearterialredbaseandthe
fragilepinktips.Shewonderedwhattheywerecalledandreachedoutahandtopinchthe
softtip.
Youretellingme.Youreamess.Youlooklikeabag-ladyandyoureeatinglikea
trucker.AndwhenItalkedabouthandbagsyoulookedbotoxedwhyareyoufiddlingwith
thatplant?
Katjawithdrewherhand.Thatsmellagain.
Idontknowwhatitis.Whetheritshormonalor...Iknowwerowedlastnight.
Nothingexceptionalaboutthat.Katjadidntmakeeyecontactasshespoke.Itsjustthat
sinceIwokeupthismorningIjustcantbecertainofwhatImdoing.Idontreally
recognisethings.ImeanIdontknow.Iknowwhoeveryoneis.Iknowtheirnames,who
theyare,butIdontknowhowto....Katjawasdisconcertedtofindhervoicewas
thickening,hereyesmoistened.Ijustdontunderstandwhatsgoingon.
JanetpausedsearchingoutKatjaseyes,searchingforsomething.Thensheliftedone
handtowardshermouth.
Youknowwhatitcouldbe,ofcourse?
Katjaseyesmethers.Shesawthatpatronisinglook,eyebrowarched,noselifted.Shetookaslugofwine.Arealisationfloodedintoher,followedquicklybythenowfamiliar
hollowingofdread.
Menopause.God,no!
Janetlaughedloudly,leantforwardsandpushedherwineglassaside.
No!Pregnant,youfool!
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Thedreadswelled,acoldspasmsnakedthroughher.
No,noImnot.Icouldtell.ImeanIdfeelit.Itneverfeltlikethisisthattheonly
explanationthatyoucancomeupwith?ShewasangrythatJanetcouldnttakeher
seriously.
JanetchangedthetopictoMauritius,bitchedabouthowshecouldendureaweekof
Petergettingdrunkandpawingather.Katjawatchedthecoupleatthenexttable.Adark
hairedboyandagirl,shethought,inlove.Thencaughtherself:theywereintheirmid-
twenties.Shedseenthemanbefore.Heworkedinthetravelagency.Hewasholdingthe
girlshand,watchingherintently.Theywereleanttowardseachother.Facesflushed.A
glowsurroundedthem.Katjaachedwiththehopeoftheirsituation:young,inlove.Hadshe
andMaxeverfeltlikethat?Shetriedtoremember.Theimagesofherweddingdaycame
back:thecountrychurchinJune,aMonday,smilingundertheyewtree.Butthetension
etchedaroundhereyes,herannoyanceattheofficiousphotographerpompouslyordering
themtopresscloser,tosmile.Wasshehappyonherweddingday,orhappybecauseshe
wasexpectedtobehappy?Everyonewashappyontheirweddingday.Itsthehappiestday
ofyourlife,isntit?OnlyMaxhadknownshewaspregnantthatday.
YoucouldtellPeteryoudontwanttogo,shesaid.
Hedonlymakeafuss.
Butifyourereallynothappy,whynotleavehim?
Leavehimthepoordear,hedfallapartwithoutme.Heneedsme.
Katjawasdrawnagaintotheyoungcouple.Thegirlsmiledather.Shefinishedoff
thelastofherpasta.
Espresso?askedJanet.
Idontthinkso.IdreallyliketostretchmylegsbeforeIheadback.Shelooked
throughthewindowatthetexturedgardens.Itssuchabeautifulday.
Janetsupperlipcurled;Katjastooduptoleave.Janetdroppedtwotwentiesontothetableandmurmured,Mytreat.ThensomethingthatKatjamissed,butsuspectedwas
loadedwithsarcasm.
Attherestaurantdoors,Katjalookedatherwatchandrealisedwithregretshedidnt
havetimeforastroll.Theywalkedinsilenceacrossthecourtyardandintotheatrium.The
porterwasstillthere.
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Hi,Keith.Shesmiledathim,waitingthistimeuntilhiseyesmethers.Helooked
confused.
Youreondrugs,thatsit,isntit?whisperedJanet.
AstheliftdoorsopenedanEasternEuropeanaccentrangoutbehindthem.
Stop,please,Miss,Madam.Stop!
Katjawasafraidtoturn.Whatnow?Shefoughttheurgetofleefrompeoplewanting
thingsfromher,theburdenoftheirexpectation.
ItwasthewaitressfromPetruccios.Ashortgirlwithdarkeyesandawinsomesmile,
runninginaskirtandtrainers,wavingsomethinginherhand.
Agh.Imsohappyyouhearme.Youleftyourmoney.
Thegirlwassogladtocatchthem,sopleasedtobedoingthemaservice,laughing.
Katjafeltarushofaffection.Hermovementsweresofluidandherdemeanoursosoftand
happyandopen.Shewantedtohugher.
OhforGodssake.Keepit,snappedJanet.
Katjawantedtoshoutsomething,buttheliftdoorsclosedandthelastKatjasawwas
acloudofhurtsuffocatinghersmile.
Katjarealisedthatthisgirlhadservedherlunchtoday,andonmanyotherdays,and
shedneverreallyseenher,neverspokentoher,neverconsciouslyhadanyfeelingabout
her.Howmanytimes,shethought,hadshebeentheonetoleavesomeonedowncastbyher
indifference?
Thatafternoon,shewentthoughthemotions,noddedherwaythrougha2:30with
thePRteam.OKdthepressreleasefortheeveningsMarketingMonthlyawardsceremony.
Thestatementwasbland,gaveaboosttoKatchams,aquotefromtheCEO,Andrew
Katcham,andsomeofhercareerhighlights:there-brandingofahouseholdgravy,thenationallaunchofWrinklesCornchips,andtheEuropeanpromotionoftheBMWMini.
BackinherofficeshefoundagreenbagfromthepharmacyandaPost-Itnoteonher
desk:
BettersafethanJx
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ShehidtheClearBluetestkitinherdeskdrawandtriedtoignoreitwhileshe
workedontheoutlineofheracceptancespeech.Sheprobablywouldnthavetomakeit
anyway.Shehopednot,nottoday,notstandinginfrontofhundredsofherpeers.Sheread
thenotesthatshedpreparedthedaybefore.Onlyadayagoandalreadyitwaslikereading
ajournalfromherUniversitydays,shebarelyrecognisedtheself-confidenceimplicitinthe
organisedheadings:
Thankyous.Honour.Katchams.Thepowerofbrands.Loveforbrands.Emotionand
Loyalty.TheFuture.
Sheknewshewasntpregnant.Herbodyknew.Butthenfromsomewherecamea
doubt,acoldness.Shecouldbe.
TheawardwasforIndustryInnovator.Shewasoneoffournominees.Andrew
Katchamhadcometoherofficepersonallytocongratulateher.Realmomentumforour
reputation,hedboomed.Shedbeensoproud,toldeveryone.Whycouldntsherelateto
thatnow?
Snatchingthebagfromthedrawer,shestrodetothetoilet,eyesfixedonthecarpet
tilesafewfeetinfrontofher.
Inthecubicleshereadtheinstructions,remembereddoingthisbefore-Svenhad
announcedhimselfunderthebuzzingstriplightsofaservicestation-theawkwardness,
squattingandholdingtheteststickintothestreamwhiletryingtokeepaneyeonthetip.A
fewsecondsanditpinkened.Shereplacedthebluelidandlaidthestickontothemarble
flooring,satbackandstaredatthesprinklerintheceiling.Herleftlegvibrated.
Twominutes.
Shemadeeveryeffortnottothinkofwhatwouldhappenifacrossappearedinthe
resultswindow.Whatifshewas?Achild.Maxwouldbedelighted,buttheirrelationship
hadneverbeenworse.Shesaidshednevergothroughitagain.OhSvenohgod,Sven.Her
jobithadsethercareerbackyears.OrLuke?Shecouldnevertellhim.Anabortionthen,alone.Elbowsonkneessherestedherforeheadinherhands.Therewasthatsmell,foul.
Ifshewerepregnantshewouldhavefeltsomething:soreness,sickness,thatsenseof
somethinghappeninginherbody.Butmightitexplainthissenseofdislocation?Thisfeeling
thatshedneverreallyfeltanythingbefore?Itmightexplainthat.Shemightbepregnant.
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Shewatchedaredlightblinkingonthesmokealarm.Everysecond.Shecountedthe
blinks.Shemadeherselfcounttofifty,desperatelytryingtocontrolherthoughts.Nowshe
couldlook.
Inthediamondcontrolwindow,therewasasingleline;intheresultswindow,a
singleline.
Shesighed,wiped,andstoodup,straighteningherclothes.Thepackagingwas
disposedofintheflip-topbin,butshekeptthekitwrappedintoiletpaperinherpocket.
Shemightwanttocheckitagain.Lingeringtowashherhands,sheavoidedhereyesinthe
mirrors.Whilewalkingbacktoheroffice,shefeltasenseoflossthatshecouldntreally
fathom.Nowshedhavetofindanotherwaytodealwithwhatwashappeningtoher.The
lightinthecourtyardwasflatnow,agreygauzestretchedacrossthesky.
TheConferenceSuitewasinthenorthwestcornerofthecourtyard.Justbefore4.45
Katjaslidintothebackoftheauditorium.Lukewasstillspeaking.Withonehandholdinga
remote,hegesturedataPowerpointslidewithapassiondevelopedduringhoursof
trainingandyearsofexperience.ThiswaswhatLukedid,hesold,buthealwayssold
himself.Everyminuteaslicklydesignedslidewasreplacedashedevelopedhisargumentin
carefulincrements,buildingself-evidenttruthuponself-evidenttruth.
Advertisingstargethasalwaysbeenthepersonweaspiretobe:Young,smart,
savvy,handsome,successful,whateverwerenot.Katjawatchedhim.Hewastheepitome
ofexecutivesuccess.Addressing150seniorexecutivesinahumidauditorium,jacketless,
therewasnotatraceofsweatonhisshirt.Sheknewhewouldsmellasfreshasfabric
conditioner.Hisdarkhair,shortfrontandsides.Hisfingernailsmanicured,eventheshort
hairsonhishandswouldappeartrimmed.Nostrayhairsaroundhisthroat.Nohairsfrom
hisnoseorears.Hetookgreatprideinhisappearance;hispersonalbodyimage,ashecalledit.Helookedlikeoneofthoseshinymenfromamenswearcatalogue,neededonlya
sweaterdrapedoverhisshoulderstocompletethelook.Hewasalwaystryingtopersuade
hertolickhisperineum.
Thesemassivemulti-playervirtualworldsnowbeingcreatedonlinenationswith
shopsandschoolsandentertainment-arepopulatedbywhatareknownasavatars
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onlinerepresentationsofwhatorwhoeveryconsumerwouldliketobeiftheycouldbe
anything.Andbelievemetheresallsorts.Helaughedinawaythatsaidheknewtheyd
lovewhatwascoming.TheresevenTheFurriesacommunityofpeoplewhojustwantto
besmallandfurry!
Butseriously,whilesomepeoplemayhavegivenupjobsintherealworldtoopen
shopsthatsellcomputercoderepresentationsofdesignerjeans,therealkillerapplication
formarketeersiswhatwecanlearnaboutconsumeridentities.REMEMBER:theresno
scarcityinanonlineenvironmentonceanobjectiscreateditcanbeinfinitelyrecreated.
Thereisnoscarcity.Appreciatingthisleadstothekillerapplication:Everyavatar
representsthedreamsandaspirationsofadollar-bearingconsumer.Sowhen
MarlboroMan3171drivesaJeepCherokee,drinksSunnyDelight,ownsaDalmatianand
worksasanarchitect,wearebeinggivenanunfilteredinsightintothisconsumersWhat
if?scenario.Itdoesntmattertousyetwhothispersonis.Whenweaggregateandmineall
this,wevegotrawdatalinkingCherokeestoDalmatians.WecanlearnhowtoselltotheI
WannaBeidentity.Thisisntjustsellingsizzlenotsausage.Thisissellingtosomeones
strongestaspirations,theirdeepestemotionalneeds.
Justbefore5pmhewoundup,tellinghisaudience.
Thecompaniesthatexploitthiskindofrawdataenvironmenttooptimisetheir
consumergoodsmarketingwillsurviveandthrive.Theywillsellwhileothersjustadvertise
andstockshelves.Ironicallyrealworldcorporatesurvivalwilldependonaneffective
virtualpresence.Fortheremainder,thosewhofailtoadapt:Extinction,pureandsimple.
Thankyou.
Applauseclatteredaroundtheroom.
ThewordextinctionjarredKatja.Therewassomethingreptilianaboutthewaythis
urbanemetromanrelishedit.Lukewasacold-bloodedpredator.Katjarealisedthatshehad
wantedhimforhiscleanlines,self-control,defttongue,nowshewasseeingpastthecamouflageforthefirsttime.Behindthetrappingsofambitionandsuccesswasanother
man.Spooked,shefeltthatdreadagain,acoldfistclosedroundherheart;shespanround
andleftthetheatrebeforetheQ&Abegan,hopinghehadntspottedher.Takingthestairs
twoatatime,shedecidedtocrossthecourtyardbacktoheroffice,followingthediagonal
pathacrossthegravel,roundthepond.Thankfullytherewasnosignoftheswans.
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Approachingthewatershewasswampedbytiredness,sheslumpeddown,alittledizzy,on
oneofthestonebenches.
Theofficecubiclesoverlookedher.Shewasvisibletoeveryonewithintheinner
complex.Hergazedroppedandcircledtheovoidpebblesbetweenherfeet.Forthefirst
timeshecametoseewhatshedrefusedtoseeallday.Thismorningwhenshewokeup,
emotionallyshot,shedbeengivenagift.Bysomepsychologicalorneurologicalaccident,
heremotionalmemories,herhabitualfeelings,hadbeenwipedaway.Shesawthather
reactionsthroughoutthedayhadbeenfirst-handemotions,unhinderedbyallthethings
shebelievedaboutherself,allthethingsshedbeentoldaboutherself,andtoldherself
aboutherself-allhadbeenunwired.Shehadthefreedomofachildtolike,todislike.Agust
ofwindbustledthroughthetopsoftheevergreensandshefeltasenseofawe.She
straightenedherback,squaredhershouldersandclenchingherfistsknuckledown,shefelt
aforcebuzzthroughher.Nowsheknewwhatshewasdoing.Hersistersfaceappearedin
hermindseyejustasshedlookedtwentyyearsbefore:herblueeyesintenseasshe
vehementlydeclared,NomanisbornaPriest.Thatwasthelasttimeshedseenher.
Katjasmiledtoherselfandstood.Cloudspassedoverhead.Closetothepathtwo
swansdanced,theirlongnecksweaving,oneextendeditswingsfullstretch.Incredible.She
followedthecloudstowardstheatrium,knowingthatoncetheywereblownaway,sunlight
wouldfollow.
Hi,Keith,shesaidasherushedagaintotheliftdoor.
EveningMsSvenson.Hiseyescaughthers.Youlookhappy.
Iam,Keith.Iam.
Theliftopenedandshestrodeinwithouthesitating,turningshepushedthebutton
andsmiledtohim.AnditsKatja.
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BirdsHaveWingsSoTheyCanFly
CHAPTER2
Theysatintheirusualseats,atoppositeendsofCamillascouch.Katjasearlier
optimismwasalreadyfading.Theworngreencushions,thedustycarpet,twosmalllead
framedwindows.Sodrab,somehowsolinkedtodepthsplumbedbutneverbottomed,
conflictsairedbutneverresolved.EvenCamilla,herpurplecardiganflatteningherbreasts
againstherchest,herdamagedhairhangingaroundherface,leftKatjafeelingenervated.
Sherecalledstaringatthetarnisheddoilyonthetable.Hereyesmovedautomaticallytoitnow.BesideherMaxsbreathingwaslaboured.
Whowantstostartthen?askedCamilla,fingeringherseashellnecklace.Youboth
seemalittleheavy?
KatjalookedatMax.Whatwasshesupposedtosay?Bytheway,Max,Iwokeupthis
morningandmymindhadbeenaltered.
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Maxspoke,Wevebeenarguingalot,morethanalot.Itseemslikeitsjustonething
afteranother.Lastnightwastheworst.
Heturnedtoher,hiseyesglazed,hislipstwisted.Thishauntedmanwasher
husband,Svensfather.Apale,reliable,man,withalargeroundnoseanddarkdeep-set
eyes;notahandsomeman,butamanwithaburdensomesenseofresponsibility,moral
rectitude.Howunhappyisthisman,shethought?Howhavewedonethistoeachother?
Theideathathismarriagecouldbefailingseemedunbearabletohim.
Hecontinued,Wesaidsomeunforgivablethings.Shewaslatehomefromworkas
alwayssorrynot,asalways,assheoftenis.Svenwasntthere.
HisheadswivelledbacktoCamilla.
Iaskedherwhethershecaredwherehewas.Hecouldvebeenanywhere.Hesbeen
disappearingforlongperiodslately.
Camillawasnoddingrhythmically.
Shesmelledofalcoholandbecameveryirrational.Shesaidsomeprettyincredible
stuffactually.Hecaressedhisforeheadwithonehand.Somestuffaboutaboutregretting
shedeverhadchildren,abouthowsheregrettedmarryingone,abouthowitwasntright
thatsheshouldalwaysbemadetofeelguilt.Idontwanthertofeelguilty,butthereare
certainresponsibilitiesthatcomewithparenthood.Theydontgoaway.Shehastorealise
that.Hesighed.Eventuallyshecalmeddownandfellasleeponthecouch.Iwenttobed
hopingshedseesenseovernight.ThismorningItriedtopatchthingsup,butshewasI
dontknow.Itsimpossibleatthemoment.
AsKatjalisteneditwasasifsomeoneweredescribingtheeventsofasilentfilm
shedjustwatched.Shewasprettysuretheywerefactuallyrightbuttherewassomething
missing,somethingwrongabouttheaccount.Somehiddenmemory,morelikeamuscle
memorythanaconsciousmemory,toldherthatatthispointKatjaSvensonwouldbe
furiouswithMax.Beingattackedasaparent,awife,ahumanbeingwouldhavedrivenherintoarage.
Camillaturnedtoher.
Beforewehearyourtruth,Katja.PerhapsyoucouldtellmewhatyouheardMax
say?
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Katjacrossedherlegsandwatchedherfootbounce.Thesilenceextended.Camilla
waswaiting.Maxseemedtobestaringintothedarkestcorneroftheroom.Katjarodeher
feelings,timeslowed,shespokeclearly.
IwasonthesofawhenIwokeup,itmusthavebeenaroundoneortwo.Ididnt
rememberfallingasleep.Iwasabitblurry.Thelightwasoninthekitchen.
Onthetable,proppedupinasaucepan,wasapheasant.Ithinkitwasashe,a
brownone.Therewasawoundinitsneckandthekitchenwasfilledwiththissmell.The
woundseemedtobemoving.Iwentcloser.Theyweremaggots.Igagged.Thestench.
Maxwasstarringatherbynow.Shecouldsensehisdisbelief.
IknewIcouldntleaveitthere.God,thesmellItookitouttothebinsandtipped
thesaucepanupsidedown.Itwouldntcomeout.MaggotsdroppedoffasIshookit.
Whoeverputittherehadpusheditdownintothepan.Ifoundastickandtriedtopryitout
buttheendjustsankintothefleshlikeitwasbutter.Ifoundaplasticbag.Iputmyhand
in
Maxinterrupted,ForGodssake,Katja.Thisisridiculous.Howcanyoucomeout
withthisrubbish?
Sheturnedtohimslowly.Iputmyhandaroundthebird,pressedmyfingersdown
theside
Butyouhatebirds!
andmanagedtogetaholdonitandleveritout.ItdroppedintothebinandI
coveredit.
Iwashedthepan,washedmyhands.IdontknowImusthavebeenthereatleast
tenminutestryingtogetthatsmelloffmyhandseventhroughthebag.Putrid.Horrible.I
knewSvenhaddoneitandIcouldonlyguesswhyeveryexplanationwasjustsohorrible,
everyaspectsodisturbing.Imeanwhatkindofaboywoulddosomethinglikethat?Hes
onlyfifteen.Andwhatkindofmessagewashetryingtosend?Whatwashetryingtotellme?IdidntwanttothinkaboutitIstilldont.
Maxseyeswerehaunted.
Whyareyoudoingthis,Katja?
Camillalookedfromonetotheother.Sheseemedtobesearchingforsomethingto
say.Whatwasshesupposedtodowiththatstory,thoughtKatja?
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Perhaps,shebegan,wecanbeginbyestablishingthatSvenisveryunhappy.Hes
suffering.Nowthisisntaboutblame,butitisaboutresponsibility,andIthinkyouneedto
worktogethertobuildanurturingenvironmentforateenageboy.Tobeginwith,aless
angrylesstenseatmosphere.
Maxwasonhisfeet.Imsorry,Camilla,butIcantlistentothiscrap.Shecomes
homedrunk,probablyfromflirtingawaythenightwithoneorotherofhermarketing
croniesandthenconcoctsthismelodrama.Thisdidnothappentoher.Thisiscrapshes
comeupwithtoavoidresponsibilityforheractions,herrepeatedfailurestoprioritiseher
family.
Max,please,saidCamilla.Pleasesitdown.Iknowthisishard.
Maxstoodforasecond,lookedfromCamillatoKatjathenbackagain.Eventuallyhe
satdownontheedgeofthecouch,hisheadinhishandsashisbodychokedwithtears.
Camillawasleaningforward,herarmsrestingonherknees.Sheseemedtobe
reachingouttohim.Max,youcantmakepeoplewantwhatyouwantpurelybyaforceof
will.YouhavetotryandacceptthatKatjaisdoingthebestshecan.Itmightnotbeexactly
whatyouddo.butyoucanonlyberesponsibleforyourbehaviour.Canyouthinkabout
that?
Hewaslikeaboy,thoughtKatja.Asixfoottwo,fifteenstoneboy.Thesobsslowed
andhelookedup,pulledahandkerchieffromhissuitpocketandblewhisnoseloudly.
Whenhespokeitwasobvioushewaspickinghiswordscarefully,tryingeachoneforsize
andweightbeforeheofferedit.MarryingKatjawasablessingIneverfeltIdearned.Every
otherpartofmylife,mycareer,relationships,evenwithSven,theywereallareasofmylife
wherewhereIcouldapplyaworkethicandreceiveareward.ButsinceKatjaagreedto
marryme,Ivetriedtobewhatahusbandshouldbe.HeturnedtoKatjanowandcupped
herkneewithhislargehand.Neverforadayhastherebeenacorrelationbetweenmy
effortandourhappiness.IrealiseIhaveaslittleideawhosheistodayasIdidseventeenyearsago.Ijustdontknowwhosheis.
TheydmadeithometodressfortheAwards.Shemanagedtofindsomethingthat
didntmakeherfeeltooexposed.ArichchocolatetaffetagownandapairofblackBallys.
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Shedidntknowhowtheykeptthingsgoing.SheguesseditwasbecauseMaxwasastickler
forcorrectbehaviour,formeetingcommitments,nomatterhowtheymightbefeeling.They
probablynevershouldhavegone,butwhatcouldshedo?Twoseatswerereservedatthe
Katchamtable,hersnexttoAndrew.Therewouldbetheprize-giving.
Theydrovetotheconferencehallinsilence.Maxsfacewasshrouded;hedrove
angrily,rippingthecarintoturns;bypassingthesemi-automatic,herevvedheavily,
throwingthecaroutofthecorners.Hewasmakingapoint,butKatjawastoopre-occupied
toreact.Theoptimismshedfoundinthecourtyardhadquicklydecayedwhenexposedto
thebrutalrealityofherlife.Shemightbestartingafresh,butnooneelsewas.
WhentheyfoundtheKatchamtable,everyonewasthere.Acircleofmeninblacktie,
paintedwomeninmagentaandpurplefrocks,hairup.Katjamwahedherwayaroundthe
table,throughcloudsofChristianDiorandChanel,PoloandArmani.
AndrewKatchamsvoicecalledouttoanembarrassedwaitress.Mydear,couldwe
possiblyhaveonemorebottleofChampagne.Bollingerwouldbegreat.
Here,Katja.Ourgoldengirlmusthaveaglass.
HeturnedtoMax.
Max,oldboy,howareyou?Sogladyoucouldmakeit.Hetoweredoverthemboth.
Shewasrelievedwhenthestarterarrived,relieveditwasafoiegrasterrine
somethingthatkeptherbusyaseveryoneelsechatted.
MaxwasanimatedlydiscussingtheMiddleEastwithKeithBoydswife,Margaret,a
seniorcivilservantintheForeignOffice.Katjaadmiredtheirrestrainedanimation,their
keenness.
WasitSylviaPlathwhowrotesomethingaboutabelljar,thoughtKatja?Shednever
readitbutguessedthetitlemustevokethewayshefeltrightthen,trappedbehindglass.
Isolated.Theycouldallheareachother,understandeachother.Theycouldexpresstheir
views,bepassionate.Meaninglikesounddoesnttravelthroughavacuum;itrequiresamedium.AndrewKatchamwascomparingdesignerbrandsBollingerversusVeuve.but
thatcouldjustbeacommunicatedratherthaninherenttrait.Whatdoyouthink,Katja?
Itslovely,shegoldfished,takingasipandwonderingwhethershewantedtobe
fetedasamarketingexpert.DidntPlathkillherself?
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TheMasterofCeremonieswasanenthusiasticScotswomanfromdaytimetelevision.
Herperformancewasbland,butallowedKatjatohidehercondition.Themoreshedrank,
themoretheglasswallsthickenedaroundher.TheMCwaswearingamidnightbluedress
withasparklingdiagonalband,whichfromKatjasseatglitteredagainstthestarry
nightscapethatlinedtheauditorium.Katjawonderedatthemessagethewomanspresence
wassupposedtodeliver.Marketingwasfun;wasalaugh;wasirreverentand
uncompromising;overweight;badlydressed.Themediumwasthemessage,shethought:a
stockyScotswomanwhosoldhercomedycareertoacorporate;acompromised,second-
rateentertainer.
Bigspeechready,Katja?Andrewleanedtowardsher,hiseyesrovingoverher
cleavage.Dontbangonaboutme.YouknowhowembarrassedIget.
Hecheckedthetableapprovedofhiswit.Theireyesweresparkling.
TheawardforMostProfessionalAccountManagerprecededIndustryInnovatorand
waswonbyasixfootgingergirlinareddress.ShewasfromKPGonthenexttable.
Screaminglikeanactressshescamperedtothestage.Thefirststeptrippedherandshe
lookedanxiouslybackathertable.Theydmissedherhumiliation,toobusytoastingeach
other,chantingthecorporatemantra,K-P-G,bethebestwithme.
ThegirlkissedtheMC,huggedherlikeanoldfriend,thengushedincoherentlyinto
themicrophone,bathingintheattention,beforetheMCslidherprofessionallyaway.
AmidstthedinKatjastoodwithoutaword.Pickingupherhandbag,shedisappeared
intothetorrentofapplause.Herflightforcedhertobustpasttables,knockingpeopleaside.
Redraucouslaughingfacesloomedaroundher;shepressedon.Bythetimeshereachedthe
edgeoftheroom,shewasgatheringpace.Outinthecorridorshestopped,rippedoffher
Ballysandranwiththeminonehand.ShefollowedthegreenEXITsignsalongorange-
carpetedcorridors,throughaseriesofflappingwoodendoorswiththickglasswindows.
Shereachedthefireexitanddesperatelyhopingthatitwasntconnectedtoanalarm,sherammedthequickreleasehandle.
Thebackstreetwasdarkandnarrow.Apileoftenorfifteenbluebinbagslinedone
wall.Atrailofurineranoffthestep.Totherightwasthemainstreet,theheavypedestrian
trafficofasummerevening.Thecrowdseemedendless,shortandtall,blackandwhite,
greatlongstridesandstrainedwaddles.Aboveallthiswasthenoise,aconcatenationof
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sounds,eachoneindiscriminate,eachoneseepingintoanother.Shewasfilledwithadread
thatshemightbedissolvedintotheirinfinitecomplexity.
Asshepulledonhershoes,thefugofurinefilledhernoseandthroat.Sheheldher
breath,gatheredherself,thenranovertheuneventarmac,outofthealleyandintothe
crowd.Thehumanriveracceptedherandshemovedwithit,relievedtobeintheflow,
anonymous.Occasionallyshewasjostled;sheacceptedthis.Noonewantedanythingfrom
her.Allowingherselftobebuffeted,sweptalong,shebegantorelax,loseherself.
Thenightwasawhirlofpassingheadlights,gaudyshopwindowsandneonsigns,a
coneoforangebeloweachstreetlamp.Carhornssounded,enginesrevved.Besideheratall
boywithslopingshouldersmatchedherstrideforstride.Hehaddeepblackhollows
beneathhiseyesandpale,downycheeks.Hislowerlipsaggedwiththeweightofaheavy
steelring.Hiswildeyesscaredher.Suddenlyshebecameconsciousofherclothes.Therich
chocolateofhertaffetagownseparatedherfromthecrowd.Shefeltlikeadowager:astuffy,
middle-agedanachronism.ToherleftawomanbabbledinsomeEasternEuropean
language,longgutturalvowels.Shewaswearingjustasimplewhiteblouseandjeans,
trainers.Non-descript,Katjathoughtenviously.Awaveofself-consciousnesssweptover
her,shepushedthroughthethrongtotheedgeofthepavementandleanedouttohailataxi.
Shehadtogetaway;shecouldntendurethejudgementsshewaspassingonherself.
Asthetaxidoorslammed,thesoundsofthestreet,theturmoilfadedintothe
distance.Thedriverqueriedherdestination.
Yousure,love?Thatsgonnacostyouafortune.
Whatchoicedidshehave?Slumpinglowintheseat,sheallowedherselftobetossed
fromsidetoside.Nostrengthlefttoresist.
Thejourneyfromthecentreofthecitytoherhomewasfamiliar.Oneshedtravelled
withMaxonmanyspecialoccasions.Brightlylitwindowdisplayspeopledwithcolourful
mannequins;thesymmetricalausterityofhotelchains;filesofcarsateveryservicestation.Shehadtogetaway,gosomewhereshedbesafe,tosomeonewhodidntknowKatja
Svenson.Theflatfamiliarityoftheroutedeepenedherloneliness.Whowouldntexpect
anythingfromher?Janet,Sven,Luke,poorabandonedMax,theyallcarriedanideaofKatja
intheirheadsandifshedaredtoerrfromit,theydshownthemselvescapableonlyof
mocking,misunderstanding,dismissing.
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Astheyleftthethrobofthecity,sheclosedhereyesandanideacametoher.She
flippedhermobilephoneopen.Sheknewwhoshehadtocall.
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BirdsHaveWingsSoTheyCanFly
CHAPTER3
HerfirstnightatElCotoEsquisito,theycookedalegofpork.Slowroasteditover
charcoalinthelargestoneoven,knotsofrosemarysmokingintothekitchen.Asshesatat
thewoodentable,hereyesburned.Ruthsatonherleft.Katjastillhadtroublereconciling
thebrownandtousledtom-boybesideherwiththefragileandneuroticsistershed
watchedleaveStockholmtwentyyearsbefore.Herthindressflappinginthewindshed
carriedonlyasmallvaliseandafloppyhat;theydbarelyspokensince,onlyforfunerals.Hereyeswerealambentblueandthedepthsswam.Withoccasionalsmiles,shetriedtoput
thefrazzledKatjaatease.Theydalwaysbeensodifferent.Ruthworeabluevestanda
denimskirt,alooseleatherbandonherwrist.Katjadidntevennoticetheyweresmoking
jointsuntilthelong,darkhairedJonas,sittingtoherright,pressedonebetweenherfingers,
hischarcoal-smudgedfacesmilingintohers.
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Shetookitforasecondthenshookherhead,passingitback.Hetookadrag,brushed
somestragglinghairsawayfromhisface,thenexhaledtowardsher.Heheldthejointout
again,hisvoiceoddlystretchedasheinterruptedhisexhalation,Cia.
Ciareachedacrosstotakeit.Herdark,tangledhairwasheldbackbyaturquoiserag
thatmatchedherdoey,blueeyes.
Whatalovelycolour!saidKatja.
Ciasbrowfurrowed.
Inyourhair
Oh,this,yes,itsgorgeous,isntit?Jonasfounditforme.Itgoeswithmyearrings,
see?
Sheheldaclumpofhairawayfromherear.Katjacouldseeapalebluestoneofthe
typesoldtostudentsacrosstheworld.
Ithasmagicalpowers,healingpowers.Itchangescolourifsomethingbadisgoing
tohappen.Isntthatamazing?Herlonglashesflickered.
Katjatookaswigofredwineandsatback.Shewouldntbeunderanypressurehere.
Thierryleanedovertorefillherglass.HisgreenlumberjackshirtflappedinRuths
face.Histeethwerestained,largegapsbetweenthem.Closetofifty,hedressedyoung,
lookedworn-out.Hiseyeswereastone-washedslate,buriedindeepsockets,andhewas
thin;bonyarmspokedfromhissleeves.ShedidntknowwhatRuthsawinhim.His
fingernailsweregnawedandthickened,thecuticlesripped.
Theresnoappellationcontrolhere.Thatgoodwithyou?Somethingaboutthe
surfaceofhiseyes,theflat,carelessnessofhistoneintimidatedher.
Itslovely.Thankyoueveryone.Shesmiledtocatchhersisterseye.Thankyou,
Ruth.
Hersisterwasdrawingintentlyonajointpinchedbetweenthumbandforefinger.
Katjasupposedshedgetusedtoit.Theyservedthemeatwiththeirhands,helpingthemselvestosaladfromabowlthe
sizeofasink.Asshechewedachunkofthescentedflesh,Katjareflectedhownaturalthis
was.Howthefoodwasunrefinedandpure,howtheyateforpleasure,withoutpretence.
Katjatoreatthemeat.
Thisisgreat.
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Jonasnoddedenthusiasticallyashedippedhismeatintoabasinofredwinesauce.
Thisisliving.Myfatherisasuperbchef.Ihopeitgoesfathertoson.Helaughedloudly,his
mouthstillfilledwithmeatandsalad.HeraisedhisglasstotoastThierry.Goodjob,Papa.
Jonas,askedCia.Shallwegototheseatomorrow?
Sure,hesaidsmiling,restinghisbrownhandlightlyonKatjasarm.Wouldyou
liketoseetheseatomorrow?
KatjalookedtoRuth.Idontknow.IthinkIdratherjustbearoundhere.Theresso
muchtosee.IreallywanttotryandsettleinbeforeIrunoff.
Goodplan,saidJonas.Wellgiveyouthegrandtour,
Thierrypushedhisplateasideandwenttostand,butRuthshandreachedout.He
shookitoff.Come,Marco,hesaidtothesmallunkemptItalianinablackwaistcoatand
jeans.Timeforportandcigars.Seeyoulater,mypeople.
MarcowasThierrysfriend,theirneighbour.Hehadabrokenbeard,patchyand
wispy,andhisskinwassallow.Hespokerarely,becomingenthusiasticonlywhen
discussingmusic.Katjahadneverseenhissunkeneyes.
Beforetheylefttheroom,Ruthsvoicerangoutshrilly.
Weregonnahavetogetyousomeotherclothes,Katja.Thosearegonnaget
wrecked.
Katjawassuddenlyveryconsciousthatshewastheonlypersoninbranded,fitted
clothing.
Itdoesntmatter,shesaid,dismissingthefacthersilkchemisehadcost200.
Weshoulddoaclothesfair.Letsdoaclothesfair,saidCia.
Katjalookedconfused.
Weputalltheclotheswedontwantanymoreintoapiletheneveryonecantake
onepieceeach.Wegoroundandrounduntilnoonewantswhatsleft.Cool,huh?
KatjanoticedthatRuthseyeskeptwanderinganxiouslytowardsthedoorofthebackroom.TheydidntseeorhearThierryorMarcoagainthatnight,butitwasobvious
theywerestilltherebecauseascratchyLeonardCohenLPseemedtoberunningonaloop.
TheydrankthelocalwineandKatjafelthereyelidsbegintohang.Itwasalittleafter
tenwhenCiadraggedJonasawaybythearm.
Come,shesaid,pullinghim.Wemustletthesistershavesomealonetime.
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KatjaandRuthfoundacoupleofdeckchairsonthebalconyatthefrontofthelodge.
Beforethemthelastofthesunwasbleedingfromthehorizon.Themoonwasalreadyhigh
inthesky.Itseemedbiggerhere.Foralongtimetheysatinsilence.Katjasthoughts
wandered.Toherflight.Tothepleasureofbeingfree.ToRuth.Theirpast.
Nomanisbornapriest,saidKatja.Doyourememberwhenyousaidthattome?
Ruthsmiled.Ofcourse.Nietzsche.Ha!ItsalongtimesinceIthoughtofthat.
Ineverunderstoodwhatitmeant.
Ruthtriedtocontrolashiver.
Youcanthavebeenmorethansixteenwhenyousaidthat.Katjareachedfora
blanketfromtheshelvesbesideher.Youwantone?
Ruthshookherhead,staredoutoverthevalley.Athickmistcoveredtheolive
groves.Itwasliketheywereflying,abovetheclouds.Whenitslikethis,IknowwhyIm
here.Iveleftthepastbehind,saidRuth.Hereyeswanderedtothepink-bluesky.Whatdo
youthinkofThierry?
Katjahesitatedthenthequestionwasoutbeforeshecouldstopherself.
Whatarethosemarksonhisarms?
Ruthsmiled,hercrookedteethglowinginthehalf-light.Helikestocallthemtracks.
Junkieshavestatusissuestoo,youknow.
Isthatwhathesdoingnow?
Probably.
Hmm.Shefeltherlipstwitch.
Itseasytojudge,saidRuthwithoutannoyance.IcouldjudgeyouifIchose.
NomoreharshlythanIjudgemyself.
Yousure?YoudontknowwhatIhadtogothrough.Didyoueverthinkwhatmakesateenagercomeoutwithsomethinglikethat?Doyourememberwhatitwaslikeforme?
Thegratingofcicadasclosedinonthem.
Katjaspokeslowly.IthinkIknowwhatitmeansnow.YouseeIgrewupthinking
therewassomethingwrongwithyou,somereasonwhyyouneverconformed.Itusedto
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makemeangrythewayyouwouldntfitin.YouseemedtodeliberatelytryandupsetMum
andDad.Theyjustwantedthebestforyou.
Thebest?Ruthinhaledunsteadily,theburningtiponthejointlengthening,
sparking,thenexhaledsharply.SpoiltlittleKatjastillbelievesparentsactinourbest
interests.
Katjasfaceslumped.
Yousmokealotofthatstuff,dontyou?
Ruthsaidnothing,justpickedsomeburntpaperfromthetip.
Katjacontinued,Theydidtheirbest,youknow.Theythoughteducationwas
important.Theywantedyoutobeindependent.
Theywantedmetobelikethem,likeyouwerelikethem.Theyneverconsidered
whatIwanted.Ihadtofightforeveryinchofmyidentity.TheycouldntacceptthatIdidnt
wantthelifetheydplannedforme.
Butbeingforcedtofinishschool,itisnttheworstthingthatcouldhappen.
Itwasntforme.Ineverwantedtobeinaninstitution.Ididntwantthemtoturn
meintosomethingIwasnt.Ineverdid.SoifThierryisntperfect,sowhat?Henevermakes
medothingsIdontwant.
Butisntheoutofhisheadmostofthetime?
Heiswhatheis.ItsmyfaultifIcantacceptit.Ruthsnortedalaugh.IronicI
supposeImjustlikeourparents.IhavetofightmyInnerControlFreak.
Katjastaredintothedarkness;slowlyshecametoseemultipleamoebioflight
floatingacrosshervision.Shebitherlipasathoughtfrozeher.
IthinkImanappallingMother.
Thesummerdayswerehotandlong.MostdaysKatjawouldbefirstup.Shedcleanthekitchen,scrubpotsandpans,sweepdustandbuttsoutontothepatio,thenscrapethem
intooldpaperfeedbags.Theearlypartofthedaywasherfavourite,listeningtolocalradio,
waitingforthesuntoburnthemistfrombetweentheolivetrees.
Marco,whorarelymadeithomeafterasessionwithThierry,wouldbenext,
stumblingthroughthekitchenbuttoninghiswaistcoat,arolledcigarettehangingfromhis
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lip.SometimesshewouldhearasquealfromJonasandCia,whosharedaroomonthe
groundfloorbesidethekitchen.Thierrywouldbestraighttothestovetobrewacoffeeas
thickassoupandblackastar.Ruthalwayssaunteredinlater,hipsswinging,pullingher
hairbackintoaband.ShewouldleanoverKatjaandkissherabovetheear.
Morning,CatFlap.
ShewouldcomeroundandmeetKatjaseyeswithasmile.Theirfaceswereso
differentbutthereweresimilarities:thefreckles,thecurveonthebridgeofthenose,the
sharpnessoftheirchins.Itwaslikelookingatanalternativeversionofherself.Aversion
shewasbecomingincreasinglyfondof.
Betweenbreakfastandlunchtheywouldkeepthemselvesbusy.ThierryandJonas
woulddisappearoutontothefarm,supposedlyworkingintheolivegroves,thoughKatja
suspectedtheyspentmostofthetimesitting,smoking.RuthandCiamadejewellery,
stringingbeadsontolengthsofleather,weavingsilverwireearringsinintricatepatterns.
Onceamonththeyhadastallinthestatecapital.Katjawouldspendlonghoursinherroom,
reading,listeningtotheradioJonashadleanther.Oftenshewouldfindherselfstaringinto
thedarkenedcorners,relivingmemories,tryingtomakesenseofthem.Thehighshuttered
windowandruggedwhitewashedwallsmadeitfeellikeacell:conventorjailshecould
neverdecide.Theyallseemedhappytoleavehertoherownthing.Shefeltherconfidence
growing.OnemorningRuthandCiataughthertomakebread.Theyeastysmellcomforted
her.
Intheafternoontheydswiminthecreek.Katjacouldntrememberthelasttime
shedbeennakedoutdoorsbeforeandshewasveryconsciousofherwhiteness.Ciawas
fifteenyearsyoungerandKatjadhadtoforceherselftoputasidehernaturalshyness,her
dislikeofbeingcompared.Jonaswouldstandnakedontheboughofatree.Hedbalance,
armsextended,carefullypickingapointintheeddyingwater,beforediving,straight-
bodiedandstraight-limbed,intotheshadows,re-surfacingwithawhoop.Thewaterwascold.Hedappearnexttoher,treadingwaterwithansmirkonhislips.Withoutshame,his
eyeswouldseekoutherbreastsinthegreenwater.Ciawouldquicklyjointhemandhe
wouldpaddleaway,hiscoldlegbrushinghers.AtfirstKatjawasworriedRuthwouldsay
something,warnheroff,embarrassher,butsoonrealisedthatwasntherstyle.
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OnthedayRuthandCiatooktheirjewellerytothemarket,Katjastayedbehind.She
didntfancythelongrideinthebackoftheLandRover,thepressoftourists.Ciahadoffered
torideintheback,butKatjawouldnthaveit.
Katjawasaloneatthepoolthatafternoon,sunbathingonarockwaitingforthesun
togodown.ShewassurprisedwhenJonasappeareddownthepath,awovenbagslungover
hisshoulder.Heheldthebagaloft,Iboughtyousomesupplies.
Heunpackedthebagbeforeher.Mountainfood:somewine,somecheese,some
bread.Raisingoneeyebrow,heproducedtwopinkglassgobletswithgolddetailing.Shed
seenthembeforeashecarriedthemintohisroom.
WheresThierry?sheasked,realisingshewasabouttoallowherselftobeseduced
byhis28yearoldson.
Theydrankthewineandhepersuadedhertotryajoint.Soonhewaspullingher
intohislap,pressingthetarryroachbetweenherlips.HesmeltofThierrysMetaxa.His
coldfingerstastedbitteragainstherlips.Sheinhaleddeeply;thefragrantresinfilledher
lungs,thebloodrushedtoherheadandshecoughedrepeatedly.Hermouthbecamedry.
Shepressedagainsthim,pressinghermouthoverhis,hertongueagainsthislips,pushing
thehoodedtopoffhishead.
Thatsbetter,hesaidintohermouth.Releasethebeast.
Inthebackofhermindshefeltpatronised,butstonedandturnedon,shetuned
thesethoughtsout.Whatdiditmatter?Sheknewwhatshewanted.
Afterwardstheysnoozednakedineachothersarms.Theskydarkened.Asthey
headedbacktowardsElCoto,thepeachmoonwasalreadyup.Theeveningairwasheavy
andscented.Katjasavouredhernakednessastheywanderedthroughthepasture,up
towardsthelodge.Asitslightsbecamevisible,hekissedheragain,wantingherinaway
thatfilledherwithpleasure.Sheguidedhimdownontothebareearth,pressinghis
normallyslumpedshoulderssquareontothecrackedredsoil.Shepushedagainsthishardness.Eyesclosed,focusedonherownpleasureshewaitedforthewaves,ridingthem,
ridinghim,untilshealmostcriedoutintothenight.Sheopenedhereyes,themoonlitherin
silver,likeastatue.Thescreamstoppedinherthroat,perhapsitwastheshockofthemoon
orthepresenceofthehousebehindher.Herorgasmpulsedthroughher,buttheexcitement
diedinherthroat.
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Afterwardsshebecameconsciousofhernakedness,thelightfromthekitchen,from
RuthandThierryswindow.Hewasstillrigidinsideher,waiting.Sheswungherselfoff.
Thanks,sweetie.Illseeyoulater.Pullingonhershirtandcarryingtheremainder
ofherclothesinherarms,shelefthimonthehillside.Thatwouldteachhimtopatronise
her.
TwodayslaterandKatjaandRuthwerealoneinthekitchen,justafternoonona
scorchingdayinlateAugust.ThedryLevechewhippingupfromtheSahara,stirringupthe
dustinthecourtyard.Katjawaskneadingdough,firmrhythmicalpresses,bubblesand
imperfectionsdisappearing.Katjawasstillupsetbytheeventsofpreviousnight.Ruth
seemedtohavedismissedthem.
Youcanusethephoneifyouwant,youknow?saidRuth.
ShefeltRuthshandstrokeherhead.
Itsthewind,youknow.Itaffectseveryone.AlwaysremindsofmeofVanGogh
whenthemadwindscome.
Illbefine.Justoneofthosedayswhenmemoriescomefromnowhere.
BeforeshecouldcontinuetherewasaclatteringfromthedoorwayofJonasandCias
room.CiaappearedinacrepeorangeMoroccandressandoneofhisfadedt-shirts.On
seeingKatjashespanroundandleantbackintotheroom.
Honey,youwantacoffee,baby?
Sure.Sure.
Jonassloppedout,groominghishairbackintoaponytail.
Hello,ladies.Whatyoudoing?Makingbread?Goodforyou.
HewasclosetoKatjanow,behindher,leaningoverher.Smellsgood.Nothinglike
thesightofwomenmakingbread.Thatwassomenight,huh?HelookeduptoRuth.HowzTheDaddymantoday?
Ruthslipspursedandshestrodetothesinkandbegannoisilywashingglasses.
Katjahadgonetobedearlythepreviousnight,triedtogotosleep,butitwasoneof
thoserarenightswhenThierrydidntretiretothebackroom.Whetherhewasoutofjunk
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orjustoutforadifferentkindofnight,shedidntknow.Themusicandlaughterwenton
wellpastthree.
Shewasntsurewhattimetheshoutingstarted.Itbeganwiththesoundofachair
smashingagainstawall.Upstairsinbedshefeltlikeachild:downbelowMumandDad,
screamingandcursing,whilesheburiedherfaceinthefeatherpillow.Thefearwas
memorable,aparticularterror,asiftheshoutsandhissingmightheraldtheendoflifeas
sheknewit.Therewasanothercrashandthemusicstopped.Somecrockerysmashed.
Therewasaheavythud.AdoorslammedthenThierrysbellow,Youstayinthere.Youcan
fuckingstayinthere.Putaindemerde.
RuthssobswrenchedatKatja,sheswungoutofbed,pulledonasweattopandran
downthestairsintothekitchen.Thierrywasstandingbesidethedoortothebackroom,
onearmleaningontheframe.Marcowassittingbackintheoldredarmchair,abottleof
cheapvodkaswinginginhishand.Atthecornerofthetable,JonasandCiaweresitting,a
jointburningintheashtraybetweenthem.Thetablewaslitteredwithbottlesandglasses,
andthedirtyyellowelectriclightthrewapallacrosstheroom.
Katjahesitatedforasecondthenwentforthebackroomdoor.
Jonaswasonhisfeet,blockingher.No,Katja.Thisisnotyourbusiness.Bloodshot
eyes,aresidueofredwinearoundhislipsandafilmoverhisteeth.Hisindexfinger
extended,rigid,andstabbedherinthechest,betweenherbreasts.No!hesaid.Thierry
loomedbehindhim.
Thisisnotyourproblem,Katja.Hiseyeswereunblinking,reptilian.Ifyouwantto
survivehere.Youwilllearntoshowrespect.
Jonasfingergroundintoherbreastbone.Shegrabbeditandtwisted.
Respect,Thierry!Respect!Ifyouvehither
Thierrywaspointingnow.Youthinkyoucanjustcomedownhereandchangethe
waywelive.IthinkNO!CiapushedherselfbetweenJonasandKatja,Katjawasforcedtoreleasehisfinger.
Ithinkitsbetterifyouleave,saidCia.
Katjafroze:theinstinctstofightandfleeinperfectbalance.Shefeltherlegstense,
thebloodthumpedinhertemples.
Please,Kat.Please.Imfine.Ruthsmuffledpleacamethroughthedoor.
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Ciapointedtothestairs,Go.
Please,Kat.Imfine.
Sheturnedandwentreluctantlybacktobed.Shesleptatorturedsleep.
NowshewatchedRuthatthesink,herfuryevidentinthejabbingofherelbow,the
rigidityofhershoulders.KatjawassurprisedwhenRuthturnedtohersmiling.
WhydontyouandIgoanddotheshop?Justthetwoofus?Weregonnahavea
feasttonight.
AsmilecameslowlytoKatjaslips,Thatdbegreat.
Ruthwasdriving,theLandRoverbouncingroundcorners,andKatjawasrelievedto
beoffthewindingprecipiceofthetarmacedroad.TheyleftthemountainvillageofCasares
behindandenteredthegroveofdustyolivetreesthatledbacktowardsElCoto.Thebackof
theLandRoverwasfilledwithheavypaperbagsstockedwithflourandpotatoes,aslabof
Estrellastobeshared,abottleofMetaxaforThierry,somerollingpapersandaloafof
GitanesforJonas,handcreamforCia.MarcoonlywantedacopyofRollingStone.Otherwise
alltheydpurchasedwereoddsandends,someluxuriestoturnamealintoafeast.Itwas
onlythesecondtimethatKatjahadleftElCotointhemonthsinceshedarrived.Herdirty
handsgrippedthetornblackseatcushions.Theairwasfilledwithheatanddustandthecut
ofdiesel.
Ruthsatonthefrontoftheseat,herarmshungroundthesteeringwheel,ridingthe
bumpsandruts.Katjadidntknowhowtotalktoher.ItwasOKwiththebigstuff,theheavy
conversationslateatnightaloneonthebalcony,accompaniedbyscratchingbeetlesand
whisperingcicadas,butthedayswerehard.Ruthskindnesswasneverindoubt,butafter
lastnighttheeverydaystuffwasawkward.Wasitunfeelingtoallowthedarknessofthe
nighttoinvadetheday?RuthmusthavefeltKatjaseyesonher,sheturned.
Whatstheword,CatFlap?Shegrinned,shoutingovertheroarofthedieselengine.
Katjaturnedbacktothetrack,thetunneloftreesaheadofthem.Iwasjustthinking
howfarIvecome.Sheheldupherhands.Lookatmynails!
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YoucantpluckachickenwithaFrenchManicure,CatFlap.Yourejustgonnahave
tolivewiththat.
ThelasttimetheydhadafeastMarcohadslaughteredfivepullets.WhileThierry
preparedinthekitchen,theydcleanedthem.Sitttingaroundthefire,Katjafaceddownthe
memoryofherphobia.Theytriedtoteachhertheartofplucking.Withshort,assured,rips
theypulledthefeathersfromthestillwarmflesh.ForKatja,theeerinesswasaggravatedby
thesoftforminherhands.Shethoughtitwouldbethefeathersthatdisturbedher,butit
wastheshapeandfeelofthebird.Thefirstfinefeathersonthebreastcameawayeasily,
butasthedelicatewhiteskinwasexposed,shefeltmoreandmorethatitwasababyshe
heldinherhands,itsnecklimpandthelastheatseepingthoughitsskinintoherhands.
Shedgagged,tastedbile,droppedthebirdontothegroundandranoutintothedarkness,
betweentheblacksilhouettesofolivetrees,untilshelefttheshoutsandlaughterbehind
her.
Atthecrestofthehillshestoppedandlookedback.Anorangelightfromthekitchen
littheterrace.Ruth,CiaandMarcowerestilllyingbackinthedeckchairsaroundthefire,
Jonaswasanoutlineagainsttheflames,butKatjacouldnttellifhewaslookingoutintothe
darknessafterher,orfacinginwardstowardsthegroup.
AbovehertherichseamoftheMilkyWaystoodoutandshewonderedathowmuch
closeritseemedonthishilltop.ThensherememberedthatshewasintheMilkyWay,
maybenotinthestillcentre,butonaswirlingarm,stillpartofit,notaspectator.Shesat
downonthehardearthandrubbedherhandsinthedust.Hangingherheadforward,she
askedherself,didshereallybelonghere?Theburntsoilcarriedthearomaofcinnamon.
TheLandRoverveeredchaoticallyaroundthefinalbend.ShedidntlookatRuth,
justsaidquietly,ImnotsureImevergonnabeachickenplucker,Ruth.Ithinkweboth
knowthat.
Ruthslappedherknee.Heythere.Youdonthavetopluckchickenstoimpressme.Imjustgladtogiveyou
refuge.
Theypulledintothelargewalledcourtyardinfrontoftheoldfarmhouse,achaosof
drieddirt,nettlesandgrasseswhichclimbedthewalls.JonasgreenVWCombiwasstill
parkedinfrontofthemaindoor,grassbeginningtopressupintothewheelarches.
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Ruthswitchedofftheengineandassheclimbedout,Katjacaughtsightofthebruise
onthepointofhershoulder.Shewincedaloud.Itwasraw,purple.Thethickbloodclotted,
dense,inridges,belowtheskin.Katjacouldpictureafist.
Ruthsexpressionset.
Iwontbeabletostandasideifithappensagain,saidKatja.
Ruthseyeswereanicyblueasshereplied,Everyoneiscapableofactionsthat
contradicttheirnatures.
Sheturnedawayquicklyandslammedthedoor,leavingKatjainthesweltering
interior,aloneexceptforthebuzzofabluebottle.
GoddamnYoda,shethoughtwithannoyance.Thenwondered,wasshetalkingabout
thedark-hairedboy,hisheavylips,roughhands,hispenisashardasaclenchedfist?
Katjawatchedthebluebottlestruggleagainstthewindscreen.Eventhislatethesun
wasscorchingtheglass.Katjawaswetwithsweat.Shewipedthehairawayfromher
foreheadandopenedthedoor.Thebackofherlegsrippedawayfromtheplasticseating.
Shehumpedabagfromthebackintoherarms.
MarcowasinthekitchenwithThierry,waitingforhiscopyofRollingStone.Ruth
washuggingThierryfrombehind.Fromhisroom,Katjacouldheartheplunk-plunkofJonas
badlyout-of-tuneguitar.
Thierrywasstirringalargebattered,steamingaluminiumsaucepanonthehob.The
roomsmeltlikesomeonehadbelched.
Whatisthatsmell?askedKatja.
Thierryturnedasneeralreadyonhislips.Offal.Herewetrytouseallofananimal,
Katja.Thestomach,theintestine:whyshouldtheseberubbishjustbecausetheyrenot
fashionable?Itsjustamatterofknowinghowtopreparethem.
KatjaliftedtheheavybagontothesideboardandpulledoutThierrysMetaxa.
Maybesomeofthis,shesaidholdingupthebottle,wouldatleastmakeitsmellalittlemorepalatable.
Iamdoinganoldrecipe,onethatwasusedbypeasantsoftheMedocforcenturies.
Truehowyoucallitinyourtrendybistros?rusticcooking.
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Peasants,thoughtKatja,eattripebecausetheycantaffordentrecote.Nexthellbe
tellingmetheIrishatepotatoesbecausetheylikedthem.SheputtheMetaxaonthetable
withabang.Thierryseyesscannedthelabel.
Puhapity.Yougotthelocalonehmmitsalittletoosweet.
Jonasappearedinthedoorway,pluckingonhisguitarandhummingtoadifferent
tune.Ciawasbehindhim,hugginghim,waddlingstraight-legged.
ThierryscasseroleisfamousacrossLaFrontera!saidCia
Thierrykeptstirring,staringintothepot.Itwillbegoodforyou,Katja,tolivealittle
moreastheworkingpeoplelive.Itis,Ifeel,tooeasyforpeopletogetusedtothecapitalist
wayofliving.Thesepeople,theyforgettheirconnectionwiththeearth,thesoil.They
becometoooccupiedwitheatingonlythosethingsthatarescarceanddontthinkfor
themselves.Scarceisnotareasonforsomethingtobegood.Manythingsarescarce,hmm?
Vulturestheyarescarce,butdotheytastegood?Butchicken,notrare.Yousee?
Interesting,Thierry,butIthinkyourealittlemixedup.Scarcemeans
Jonasstrummedonceloudlyonhisguitar,intentlyexaminingthepositionofhis
fingersonthefret.Ithinkitsyou,Katja,whoismixedup.
Katjabracedherarmsbehindher,grippingthesideboard.Scarcityisaneconomic
definition.Itjustmeanstheresnotaninfiniteamountforeverybody.Thatsnotthesameas
rare,doyouseewhatImean?
Soassoonassomethingisscarceitsanopportunityforsomeonetomakemoney.
Thisisasituationthatyoucouldwhatsthewordexploitforprofit,saidThierry.
Hervoicegrewlouder.Theymight.Andwhatwouldbetheproblemwiththat?
Nearlyeveryoneneedsanincentivetodosomethingmorethanjustexist,morethanjust
sloparoundindirtyclothespreaching.
Thierrypulledthewoodenspoonfromthepanandturned,pushingRuthaside.He
lickedthefaceofthespoonslowly.Mmmthetroublewithyou,Katja,isthatyoubelieveit,dontyou?Youbelieveitall.
Youacceptthatourdemocraciesarecontrolledbycorporations,manipulatedbyaminority.
Thatthesepeoplearepermittedtoexploitthehardworkerswhojustwanttolivetheir
livesinpeace.Youreoneofthem.Youhavenosenseofwhatitistoliveajustlife.
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Ruthinterrupted,wrappinganarmaroundThierry,Hey,letsnotmakethis
personal.Comeon,please
Katjachesthadalreadytightened.Themusclesaroundhermouthquivered,hereyes
flared.
ThierrypushedRuthaway.
Itneedstobesaid.Itisnecessaryalwaystospeakthetruth.Shemusthearthe
truth
Katjacouldntholditanylonger.Thetruth.Youwannahearthetruth,yousmall-
mindedprick.Youvegotnoideawhatreallygoesonoutthere.Theresnofucking
conspiracy.Itsworsethanthat.Conspiraciesonlyworkonlazyjunkiebrains.Thetruthis
therearenoclasses,therearejustpeoplemakingdecisions,millionsofdecisions,millions
ofdecisionmakers,allpartofawildlycomplexsystem.
Mostofthesepeoplearehappytoblameotherpeoplefortheirowncomplicityin
fuckinguptheworld.Marketeersjustrelyonpeoplesvanity,theirdesireforone-
upmanship,theirneedtobetoldwhattheywanttohear.Theywanttoheartheyrespecial,
important,worthit.ThattheycouldbebeautifullikeJenniferAnistonorhandsomelike
GeorgeClooney.Evenpeoplelikeyourson,shepointedatJonas,aredrivenbythesame
desires.Lookatyou!Youreaclich,arefugeefromthesixties.Whatarehisambitionsha!
tobedifferent,tothinkhesbetterthaneveryoneelse.SheglaredatThierry.AndIcould
sellyouanythingthatwasendorsedbyTimothyLearyorLeonardCohen.Whatareyou
deepdownbutShelookedfromThierrytoRuthandbackagainsearchingfortheright
words.ajunkieafuckingabusivejunkie.
Ruthran.Therewasasilencethatseemedtolightupeverycorneroftheroom,
everypieceofcutlerystrewnonthetable,eventheflyshitonthefizzingstriplight.
Jonaspluckedasinglestring.Atleastmyfatherwouldneverabandonhisson.
Katjatookcontroloftime,absorbedtheintensityofthemoment,waitingforthenotetofade.
Perhapsifhehad,Jonas,youwouldntbesuchamess.
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Itwasjustafterdawn,inthatpeculiar,flatlightwhendistanceisimmaterial,
everythingbecomes2-Dlikeawatercolourlandscape.Nothingisdistinct,everything
mergesandoverlaps,treesaresmudgesintherisingdew,thesky,swathesoffuchsiaand
lemon.KatjaandRuthhadbeenupallnight.
AreyougonnasayitorshallI?askedRuth.
Herpacedidntchange.Hersandalscutthroughthehardbladesofgrass,sliding
throughthedew.Katjacouldsmellthesoil.
Wedontneedto.Katjasmiled,Dowe?ShereachedforRuthsarm,huggingitto
herside,itswarmthacomfortinthestill,coldair.
Ruthshieldedhereyesfromthelow,brighteningsun.DoyouknowwhatElCoto
means?
Katjashookherhead.
Itsanoddname.IalwaysthoughtitmeantLodgeorFarmstead,butitdoesnt.It
justmeansboundary.Theboundary:ithassomanymeanings.Theirfeetswished
rhythmicallythroughthegrass.Iknowwhatitmeanstome.ShelookedatKatja.The
edge.Ivealwayswantedtobeontheedge.Nevertoosafe,toocentral.
Theyheardanoise,somethingintheundergrowth.
Iamhappierhere,ontheedge.Inspiteof
Theywalkedon,onebehindtheother,followingathintrackthatmusthavebeen
wornthroughthepasturebysheeporgoats.Thegrassgrewhigherandthesharpseeds
irritatedKatjasknees.Theboundary,shethought,theedge,theend,thelimit.
Theystoppedatthebrowofthehill,belowthemwasadeepravine.Ashandoak
treesfilledthechasm,fromitsbottomtheycouldhearwater.Beyondthetreesthepasture
continued.Twoeaglescircled,cryingintermittentlytoeachother.
Katjashookherheadslowly.AllthosethingsIleftbehindarepartofwhoIam.I
cantgobeyondthat.Ittookmethousandsofsteps,millionsofdecisionstoreachthepointIwasat.Everyoneofthosedecisionsexistswithinme,partofme.Imightnotrememberthe
emotions,thefeelingsthatmotivatedme,buttheywerentrandom.IthoughtIcouldstart
againhere.Buildnewattachments.Butmyoldlifehasagripsomewheredeepdowninside,
outsidethereachofreason.Itstimetofindoutwhatreallyisthereforme.Itstimetorun
towardssomething.
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ShepulledRuthcloser.
Idontreallywanttoleaveyou.
Ruthkissedthesideofherhead,anintense,lingeringkiss.Theyheldeachother
closeandKatjafelttheintimacyoffamily.Shebecameawareofaslowingofherpulse,a
softeningofthemusclesaroundherneckandshoulders,aglow.Withgratitudeshe
softenedagainstRuth,awareofherfeelings,awarethatthiswaslove.Shemustrediscover
herself,herpast,herfuture.Thenshemightfindpeace.
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BirdsHaveWingsSoTheyCanFly
CHAPTER4
Whatareyoudoing?
Katjalookedup,surprised.Maxfilledthedoorway.Shehadntheardhimonthe
stairs.Wearingwhitetenniskit,hishairwasinsweatyringlets.Heplayedtennisevery
Sundayafternoonandshehadntexpectedhimbacksoearly.Katjawasonherknees
holdingapinkNicoleFarhitopinonehandandalargepairoforangefabricscissorsinthe
other.
Sorting.Toherleftwasapileofchopped-upclothes:blousesandchemises,wrapsand
jerseys,skirtsandtrousers.Katjawaskeepingarunningtallyofthecostofthismountainof
luxuryclothing.Shedjustpassed23,000whenMaxinterruptedher.Holdingthepinktop
up,shebegantocutawayoneofthearms.
Doyourememberwhenyouboughtthat?
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Katjalookedupblankly.
Yes.Cannes.Isntitawful?WhatwasIthinking?
Imusthavelookedlikeaflamingo,shethought.
Itwasaspecialevening.Hisvoicewashusky.Itwasformeinanycase.
Katjacontinuedtocutthroughthefinesilk,thejawsofthescissorscrunching
throughthefabricsatisfyingly,irreparably.Shedroppedthescrapsontotheheap,putaside
thescissorsandstoodup.
Imsorry,Max.Shehopedhereyesshowedhowshefelt.Imjustsortingthings
out.Itcantbeputoffanylonger.
ButyouredestroyingeverythingHeranoutofwords,hishandsweepingaround
theroom.
Thisisntaboutourpast,Max.IvegottodothissoIcanhaveafuture.
Hereyestracedadropletofsweatdownhistemple.Hisbitterodoursurroundedher.
Hetoweredoverher.Hisfacewasredandhiseyesburned.Fury,shethought,butwasnt
afraid.Shestoodherground.
Youcantjustcomebackherewheneveryouwantandjustdestroyeverything.Look
atwhatyouredoing!Thisisourlifehere.
Theseweremypossessions,Max.Theydontconcernyou.
Dontconcernme!Hestormedovertothepile.ThisHeheldupaBurberry
Macintosh.YouworethisinScotlandwhenwewenttoCarnoustie.ThisHeheldupa
fadedCartierbaseballcap.Yougotthisatthepolowhenyoulostyourhat.Thesearemy
Katjaheldupahand,palmtowardshim.Shespokesoftly,Max,wevebeenoverthis.
Theresnopointtothis.Yourejustmakingthingsworse.
Themusclesinthearmthatheldthebaseballcaptightened.Hisjawjutted.The
wordswhentheycamewerethroughclenchedteeth.Youdontunderstand.Youjustdontfuckingunderstand.Howcanyoudothis?He
threwthecapaside.Itrolledacrossthecarpet,overthesunlitoutlineofthewindow,and
cametorestagainsttheskirtingboard.KatjasawMaxcomingtowardsher.Hishands
seizedherupperarmsandhewasshoutingdownather,flecksofspittlesprayingherface.
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Youvechanged,changedintoaselfishbitch.Idontknowwhathappenedtoyou.
Thisiswrongwrong.
Shehadtheurgetoshoutback,evennotedtheintakeofbreath,theflaringofthe
nostrils,thepreparationtobareherteeth,butshestoppedherself,exhaledslowlyand
loweredherhead,turningaway,pullingherarmsfree.Maxslumpedbehindher.Sheknew
hewassuffering.
Kneelingagainbesidethepileofclothes,shepickedupasheerivoryLaPerla
chemise,silkandlace,andsmoothedthefabricdownherarm,itscoolnessthrilledher,
ticklingthetinyhairs.Shehelditupagainstherbody.Theivoryshoneagainstherskin,
seemingtodarkenit.Shefoldeditandplaceditintheopen,half-packed,aluminium
suitcasebesideher.
Maxdisappearedintothebathroom.Sheheardtheportablecassetteplayerstartup,
MilesDavis,thentheshowerfizzed.
Katjatriedonahigh-necked,stiff,iridescentgreen,thighlengthjacket.Gaultier.The
styleclashedwiththesoftnessofherlook,thesun-bleachedringletsinherhair,thefreckles
acrosshernose.ThejacketlookedlikesomethingfromaStarTrekconvention.She
rememberedbuyingitintheHarrodssale.Shecutthroughtherichfabriclikecardand
threwsectionsaside.Once,shethought,itmadeherlookimperious.24,800.Thepilegrew:
aKenzoT-shirt,aJosephskirt,twoJaegerMerinojumpers,thepairofJimmyChoos.
26,500sworthofflotsamofluridcoloursandexclusivebrands.Inpiecesnowher
discardedwardrobeformedpatterns,mandalasonthecarpet.Shekeptsomefittedcotton
shirts,somesweatpantsandtopstheymadeherfeelgood.
Maxemerged,awhitetowelaroundhiswaist.Hisfacewasflushedfromtheheat.
Brushedback,hishairlookedthinner,straighter;helookedhandsomeinspiteofthebelly.
Therewasacomfortingstrengthinhismovements,thoughtKatja.Thedeliberatewayhis
handsscoopedhisclothesfromthebed.Hewaslikeabear.Shewatchedhimdressoverhershoulder.Unhurried,unflustered,takinghistime.
Hiseyeswereshroudedwhenheturnedtoher.HaveyouseenSven?
Herbrowfurrowedandhermouthtwitched.No.
Dontyouthinkyouowehimanexplanation?
Hermouthsetalittlefirmer.Shesaidnothing.
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Itsnotgoodbutwhatdoyouthinkthisisdoingtohim?Hismotherjustwalksout
onhim.
Herlowerliptightened,pressedintoherupperasifshewasabouttoburst.
Svensproblemswithmestartedwellbeforeallthis.Shesawthemaggots
wrigglingfromtheneckofthepheasant.Youknowthat,Max.
Hesneeredather.Youresupposedtobehismother.
Shesighedandbegantopresstheclothesdownintothesuitcase.
Hewavedahandtothepileofrags.Clearthatcrapoutbeforeyougo.
Iwill,Max.Hereyeswerecalm.Everythingwillbealrightyouknow.
Maxsnortedandlefttheroom.
KatjahadntexpectedSventobeinthekitchen,hadntheardhimcomehome,hadnt
heardthetelevision.Hedletdowntherollerblindandwaswatchingamovieinthedark.
Hisglancetookinthesilversuitcasethenreturnedtothemovie.Usingtheremotecontrol
heturnedthevolumeupanotch.Standingthere,suitcaseinhand,wearingtrainers,sweat
pantsandafadedbluet-shirt,shefeltlikeateenagerleavinghome,likeRuthmusthavefelt
allthoseyearsago.Withtheclatterofmachinegunsechoingaroundthekitchen,shetried
tofeelherfeelings.Hersonthetermseemedtobelongtoapastlifewasslumpedat
whatusedtobeherkitchentable,eyesfixedontheTVthatusedtoaccompanyherkitchen
routines.Itallseemedinthepast.Butjustasthepastcanneverbeerased,onlyforgottenor
re-remembered,shefeltsomethingwithinherstir,somethingdarkandorganic,a
mammalianlifeforce,buriedbelowconsciousness,rationality,evenbelowfeeling.
Sven.
Uhhuh?Hiseyesdidntwaverfromthescreen.
Shetookacoupleofpacesintothekitchenclosertohim.Thisisntaboutyou,youknow.Imeanitsnotbecauseofyou.
Uhhuh.
IdliketothinkIdliketothinkyouwontholdthisagainstme.
Uhhuh.
ThisisjustsomethingIhavetodo.
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Uhhuh.
Illcallyousoon.OK?
Abullethitasoldierintheshoulder,spinninghimround.Grabbingthewound,he
beggedhisretreatingcomrades.Dontdontleavemehere
Sheapproachedhim,wrappedherarmaroundhisshouldersandkissedhimjust
abovetheear.Hesmeltofpeanuts.Asingleshotrangout.Svenflinched.
Maxhadbeenlurkinginthedoorwaybehindher.Heaccompaniedhertothefront
door,showingheroutofherownhome.
Imsorryaboutthat.ImafraidItoldhimaboutyouandLuke.
Oh,Max,doyoureallythinkthishasgotanythingtodowiththat.
Hegrabbedherarm.Areyoustillseeinghim?
Hisfacewaspanicked.
Notinthewayyouthink.Shereachedupahandandcuppedhischeek,hisstubble
likeroughgraniteagainstherhand.
Kay,whatsgoingtohappentous?
Idontknow,darling.ReallyIdont.PerhapsCamillacanhelpusworkthatout.
TheburdenofhersuitcaseincreasedasshecrossedthedrivewaytotheX5.Ahollow
chillopenedupinsideherinspiteofthelatesummersun.Fromthedriversseat,she
lookedbackatthesunlitporch,thehoneysuckleshedreared,itsperfumewaftingthrough
thekitchenwindowonbalmyevenings.Thebottomoftheblindtwitcheditmighthave
beenthewind.
*
Lukebuckedbeneathher.Shepresseddown,matchinghisforce.Shewaslickedwith
sweat,hisshouldersslipperyunderherhands,herthighssliddownhissidesasthey
rollicked.Hewashotinsideher,butshefocusedonpressingherselfagainsthispubis.Eyesclosed,gaspingaloudasthemomentumrose,wellingfromherclitorisinsurges.Behindher
eyelidskaleidoscopesturned,shecouldtastethesweatonherlipsandhearLukes
breathing,feelthelowsunflickeringacrossherface.Hewasclosetoclimaxing,butnot
beforeher.Notthistime,shethought,andsqueezedharder,faster.Hishandswereonher
hips,forcinghimintoher.Theflameinsidehergrewandastheclimaxspreadacrossher
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bodyshethrewherheadbackandscreamed:aprimeval,gut-bustinghowlthatroseinpitch
andintensitywithherorgasm.Lukejerkednoiselesslybeneathherthenfrozeandshefelt
hishotsemeninsideher.Lostherselfinthescream,surfingitsoscillations,seeingthe
soundsincolours,assherocketedthroughatunnelofsoundmadeintolight.
Lukeshandsmackedoverhermouthandthejarrstangherjawbone,sentaboltof
coldwhitethroughherhead,jerkedherneckback.Hisstrengthtoreatthemusclesinher
neckinahotjetofpain.Shefellontoherside,grabbedhiswristandwrestledhishand
awayfromhermouth.Shejumpedawayfromhim,offthebed,spinningroundtofacehim,
readyincaseheattackedheragain.Herlegsrigid,herarmstensedtofighthimoff.
Whatareyoudoing,youprick?Sheshouted,bringingahanduptohermouth.Her
lowerlipwasswelling.Asshesuckedatit,thesaltysweetnessoffreshbloodhithertongue.
MyGod,Katja,willyoupleasekeepitdown?Hedrawled.
Youcantjustsmackmeinthemouth!
Hewasproppeduponhiselbow,lookingather,unruffledbyheranger.Hiseyes
wereblueandtheflushofhisexertionwasalreadyfading.
Katja,darling,youwerescreaminglikeacathousecrazy.
Shewatchedhim,thebreathrushingthroughhernostrilsgraduallyslowed,the
tensiondissipated.Shestoodalittlestraighter.
Hiseyeswererakingoverherbody,lingeringoneverydetail.Katjadidntlookdown.
Shewasawarethatherbreastshungalittlelower,herhipsalittlewider,herskinhadlosta
littleofitssheen.Still,shestoodtall.
Mygod,Luke,Iwashavinganorgasm.Youshouldbebloodygrateful.
Onthesmalldecorativetablebythewindow,hermobilephonebeepedtwice.She
turnedawayfromhim.Thefloor-to-ceilingsashwindow,twelvepanesframedinwhite
gloss,lookedoutoverthefrontoftheFultonWoodsCountryClub,lookedoutontothe
sunny18thgreen.Amaninredtrousersheldtheflagasawomaninabeigetartanskirtandabluevisorlinedupherputt.ThetextmessagewasfromSven.Heagreedtomeether.Hed
letherknowwhere.Achillfeatheredherspine.
Willyoucomeawayfromthewindow?
Sheknewhewaslookingatherbottom,foughttheurgetotensealittle,turnaway.
Themanicuredcourseelongatedfairwaysandpristinegreenswasdottedwith
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imperiousoaks.Swallowsswoopedandflutteredoverthereedbedsofthewaterhazard.
Theirmigratorycallswereinterruptedbyabuzzingbelowthewindow,anelectricbuggy.
Shecouldntseethedriver,justawhiteleathershoeextendednonchalantly,andan
enormousCallowaygolfbag.Thebluesky.Thegreengrass.Thecleanlines.Wildlife.It
shouldhavebeenidyllic,buttherewassomethingwrong.Somethingmissing.Ruthwould
hateit.
ShecouldhearLukegettingoutofthebed.Ifhedared
Shelookedoverhershoulder.Hewassittingveryupright,asalways,followinghis
familiarpost-coitalroutine.Hedfastenhisblue-facedOysterPerpetual,turnontheTVto
KingoftheHilltheschedulealwaysseemedtofitthetimetablingoftheirtrysts,shower
quickly,pullafreshlypressedshirtfromhisbriefcase.Hedputonhisshirtandtiebefore
hisY-fronts,trousers,thenfinallyhissocks.ShedwantedtoseeLukeoncemore,tore-
experiencethepatternoftheirrelationship,totrytore-livefeelingsshemighthavehad
before.Shedenjoyedthesex,otherwise
Haveyounoticedanythingdifferentaboutme,Luke?Anychanges?Anything?
Hewasgatheringhisclothespiecebypiece.
Changes?Inyou?Idontknowyouseemabithighlystrung.AndIdontknowwhat
youthinkyouredoingturningyourbackonKatchams.Theyvebeenbloodygoodtoyou.
Everyonehastimesofdoubt.Ignorethem.Getonwiththebusinessofliving.Weonlyget
onelife.Useit.
Stillnaked,hisbacktoher,heleanedovertopickuptheTVremote.Themusclesin
hisbackandbuttocksswelledandflexedbeneaththeskin.Heputonhiscleanshirt.
TimeslowedandKatjafeltthatclarityagain.Iwontbedoingthisagain,Luke.
Heturned,holdinghissemi-erectpenisnonchalantlyinhishand.
Really,andwhysthat,youoldtease?Hewassmiling;histeethwerewhite.
Hergazehardened.Shrugging,heturnedaway,drainedallthewaterfromaglassonthebedsidetable.
Thatwasmywater,shesaid.
Hecametowardsher,grinning.Hetriedtotakeherinhisarms.Hisaftershave
mingledwiththesmellofhersweat.
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Andmissoutonanotherfireworkdisplaylikethatone?Ontheevidenceofthat
orgasmitsmethatschanged.
Bykeepingherelbowstogetherinfrontofhersheresistedtheconstrictionofhis
embrace.Itdidntputhimoff.
Shelookedupatthecleanlinesofhisface.Thenawayatthetelevision,thebox-
headedHankHillwaslecturinghissonontherequirementtowininsport.Everythingon
Lukesfacewassymmetricalandgroomed.Everyhairinhisstubbleseemedtobeclippedto
aregulationlength.Hishair,evennow,wasneat.Thereweresomesmallblackheadsonhis
noseandasingledarkhairsproutedfromhisnostril.Beneaththecitrusofhisaftershave,
shecaughttonesoflily.
Itsnotme.Idontknowifiteverwas.
TheOwlSanctuarybackedontoathickcopseofbeechtreesthatrustledinthe
afternoonbreeze,thefirstdraughtofautumn.Asingle,solemnstuffedowlperchedonthe
woodenfive-bargateintheentrance.Katjapulledherpursefromherhandbag,butSven
gaveherasidelongglance,hishandreachedout.Youwontneedthat.
Katjaturned,crinklingherfacequizzically.
Svensaidnothing.Astheypassedtheticketoffice,athinvoicerangout,HiSven!
HiGwen,heresponded,freefromanyofhisnormalteenagemumbling.
HiGwen,saidKatja,itcameoutallreedy.Whatwashappening?
Hello,Mrs
YoucancallherKatja,saidSven.
HiKat-ya.
Thefirstavianwafthither:acosy,naturalsmell.Acrossthesoftblacktarmacofthe
entrancearea,threebanksofcagessurroundedasquareofgreen.Lookingaround,shetriedtogatherherself.
Soisitonlyowls?Themomentitescapedherlips,sherealisedthequestions
irrelevance.
Hegesturedwithhishead.Thesearetheprimarydisplaycages,mostlyowls,but
therearemorethanthirtydifferentraptors.
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Histrouserswereblackcombatswithpocketsandflapsofmaterialdowneachleg.
Hiswhitebasketballtrainersseemedtoobig.HewasslumpedinagreyhoodiewithRed
HotChilliPeppersemblazonedacrossthefront.Hisneckseemedtoothintosupporthis
head,whichlolledforward.Hishairwasinmouseybrownclumpsandhisfacepimpled,but
heseemed,handsinpockets,ateasehere.
IthoughtthiswasthebesttimetocomebecausetheShort-Earedsarejustwaking
up.Wemightbeabletoseethemflying.
Alargeman,wearingadirtygreensweatshirtmarkedwiththeSanctuaryCrest,
passedthemwheelingabarrowpiledwithbalesofstraw.
Hi,Sven.Youwell?
Arthur.
SeenKenyatoday?
Svenshookhishead.
Allswell.
Theystoodbeforethefirstcage.Katjaallowedhereyestoadjusttotheshadowy
interior.
ThatsGretel.
Perchedonalowleaflessbranchwasapewter,fullmoonface.Herwideeyeshalf
wayupherhead,theshinyhookofherbeaknearthebase,shelookedshocked.Thewhite-
rimmedheadformedhalfthebody.Itwasthefaceachildwoulddraw.Katjalaughed.
Shealwayslookslikethat.Hewassmiling,hangingbyhishandsfromthewirecage.
Howlonghaveyoubeencominghere?
Idunno.Ayearmaybelonger.
Buthowdotheyallknowyou?
Iworkhere.Wellnotworkformoney,like,butyouknowhelpout.Itsnothing.
Hiseyesmethersbutimmediatelyflickedawayagain,backtotheowl.Sorrywhatwashername?
Svenwaswatchingtheowlintently.
ShesGretel.
Hestoodbackfromthewireandtwofingersinhismouthheblastedawhistle.
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Gretelblinkedslowlyandextendedbothwings,flappingtheminadisplay
apparentlydesignedtofrightenthemoff.Theundersideofherwingswasanimmaculate
white,adensefiligreeofbrilliantfeathers,asfineasthewhitestporcelain.
Sven!Itwasthewheelbarrowman.Itoldyounottodothat.
Oh,Arthur.Shesjustshowingoff.
Dontdoitgain.Therewasaffectioninhisvoice.
Theowlsettledslowly,graduallybustlingherwingsbackintoposition.Theymerged
intothesolidbarrelofherbody.
Didyouknowthatwhenbirdsareunhappy,upsetbywhatweveputthemthrough,
theycantattackus,sotheyturnoneachother?Hisvoicewasthickwithsympathy.These
areallrescues.Whentheycomeintheyrearesotraumatisedwehavetokeepthemapart.I
meanitsbetterforthemthatway.Otherwisetheyjustripeachothertopieces.Itsasifthe
fearhaschangedsomethinginthem.Theydontknowtheyrebirdsanymore.Arthur
alwayssaystheythinktheyredinosaursagain.Allthebirdsgone.Theresjustreptileleft.
HespokewithamaturitythatdisturbedKatja.Sheguessedeverymothermustat
somepointlookattheirchildandseeastrangerlookingback.Helookedoverattheowlin
theadjoiningcage.Thebirdsthickeyebrowsflippeduplikeantennae.Sometimesitsjust
bettertobeapart.Itgivesthemtime