Better Bound aries

Own ing and

Trea sur ing Your

Life

Jan Black & Greg Enns

New Har bin ger Pub li ca tions

Pub lisher’s NoteThis pub li ca tion is de signed to pro vide ac cu rate and au thor i ta tive in for ma tion in re gard to the sub -ject mat ter cov ered. It is sold with the un der stand ing that the pub lisher is not en gaged in ren der ing psy cho log i cal, fi nan cial, le gal, or other pro fes sional ser vices. If ex pert as sis tance or coun sel ing isneeded, the ser vices of a com pe tent pro fes sional should be sought.

Dis trib uted in Can ada by Raincoast Books

Copy right © 1997 by Jan Black and Greg Enns New Har bin ger Pub li ca tions, Inc.5674 Shattuck Av e nueOak land, CA 94609

Cover de sign by Poulson/Gluck De sign.Ed ited by Cath ar ine Sutker.Text de sign by Tracy Ma rie Powell.

Li brary of Con gress Cat a log Card Num ber: 97-75478.

All Rights Re served.

New Har bin ger Pub li ca tions’ website ad dress: www.newharbinger.com.

To Lou Black, my true love, friend, and teacher.

—J. B.

To my be loved wife, Sally, with whom I’ve prac ticed this bound aries work, and my chil dren Corban and Hannah.—G. E.

Con tents

Ac knowl edg ments vii

In tro duc tion 1

Part I: Bound aries

1 Un der stand ing Bound aries 9

2 How Bound aries Are Formed 23

3 Your Per sonal Bound ary Sys tem 29

4 The Guar an tees and Chal lenges of Bound aries 45

Part II: Trea sur ing Your self

5 Be com ing Your Own Best Friend 55

6 Know ing What You Think about Your self 63

7 Un der stand ing the Source and Strength of YourSelf-Be liefs

73

8 Iden ti fy ing False Be liefs 97

9 Ad just ing the Way You Think 111

10 Get ting to Know and Like Your self 137

11 Em brac ing Your Pur pose, Mis sion, and Abil i ties 161

12 Mak ing Good Choices 175

Part III: Better Bound aries

13 Tak ing Bound aries to Life Sit u a tions 183

Part IV: The Trea sured Life

14 Suc cess ful Sto ries 219

Ref er ences and Fur ther Read ing 225

vi Better Bound aries

Acknowledgments

I am deeply grate ful for the in spir ing and mo ti vat ing love of myfam ily whose names I list with joy: Lou, Ken, Che’lene, Jody,Greta, Greg, Madeline, Jon a than, Riley, Owen, Gracie, Anne, andBob. I also want to ac knowl edge the love and sup port of friendslike Teresa, Kathleen, John, Spike, Craig, Pat, Marilee, Syl via,Jeanie, Ruth, and the in fa mous First Fri day Group. I am grate fulto my cli ents whose lives and pur suit of growth have in spired me and now oth ers, and to those who con trib uted spe cif i cally to thiswork through in ter views and sur veys. Spe cial thanks go to Farrin and Cath ar ine, our won der ful ed i tors, to Kristin and Matt fortheir be lief, and, of course, to my co-au thor Greg Enns, a man ofknowl edge and sen si tiv ity. For me, this pro ject has been a living class room pro duc ing in valu able les sons about my own bound arysystem, and for that, too, I say “thank you.” —Jan

Thanks to all those who con trib uted to our bound aries re search,com pleted ques tion naires, par tic i pated in group dis cus sions, andshared their bound ary ex pe ri ences in interviews.

Deep thanks go to Jan, my busi ness part ner and friend. Sheis a per son of huge tal ent and class.

—Greg

Introduction

Bound aries de liver more than we could ever de scribe in a book.Through them, you will gain a won der ful ar ray of built-in ben e -fits that sim plify, beau tify, and clar ify life and re la tion ships. They set the stage for love, strength, hap pi ness, well-be ing, and en thu -si as tic ser vice for the good of self and oth ers. If this sounds like apitch for bound aries, it is. We have ex pe ri enced and ob servedtheir power to very quickly raise a life to a new level of com pe -tence and joy. Sim ply put, bound aries are a life-en hanc ing sys tem of “yes’s” and “no’s.” They are the stop signs and bor ders you in -stall to pro tect your self so that it is clear that you own your life,make good choices, and pur sue the au then tic ex pres sion of whoyou are in the way you live, love, give, and relate.

Through years of help ing our cli ents to thrive, we have come to believe that the path to well-placed bound aries is a nat u ralpro cess that begins with trea sur ing your self, then moves to tak -ing steps toward own ing your life and pro tect ing it. This is both a log i cal and lov ing approach and is the path we chart in this bookfor you. In it, we offer you the tools you will need to install andmain tain your per sonal bound aries.

Set ting suc cess ful bound aries involves sort ing and choos ingwho and what to let into your life and who or what to keep out.For exam ple, one of our cli ents installed a bound ary between her

and a pat tern of false beliefs about her self she had acquired fromher fam ily. For twenty years or more, the cycle had sucked theinspi ra tion out of her just as a pro ject was get ting off the ground.An atti tude of “it does n’t mat ter any way” that she learned as achild as a way to avoid dis ap point ment would over take her joy.She would remain mildly depressed until some thing wouldinspire her again and the cycle would con tinue. Instead of fight -ing it, she had given in to a life and career that required lit tle ofher, result ing in bore dom and a betrayal of her true cre ative self.With the help of coach ing, she became aware that she did nottrea sure her self as the smart, inno va tive per son she truly is. Byrec og niz ing this pat tern and say ing “no” to it, and then sup port -ing her deci sion with an action plan, she imme di ately expe ri -enced a new love toward her self and a sense of own er ship andcon trol of her life and future.

The bound aries she set by choos ing to rec og nize and changeold false beliefs about her self will pro tect her from unnec es saryinter nal and exter nal dis tress, pre serve her for pur suit of a pos i -tive life, and pres ent her as some one who knows her worth.Bound aries will do the same for you.

In life and the uni verse, bound aries are essen tial. In fact, anabsence of bound aries guar an tees chaos. It is abnor mal, unhealthy,and dan ger ous to exist with out them. You are sur rounded by anend less parade of bound aries. From the solar sys tem to math e -mat ics to your own body’s tem per a ture, bound aries are embed -ded every where, giv ing struc ture, guid ance, and def i ni tion.

Bound aries in nature. Bound aries are essen tial to a struc tured,smooth-run ning life as well as to a struc tured, smooth-run ninguni verse. They main tain order and keep things iden ti fi able.Oceans go so far and stop. Pigs do not mate with horses. Dai siesdo not become mag no lias. Plan ets stay in their assigned orbits.

Bound aries in geog ra phy. In your mind, fly just above the earth. Look down and you will see bound aries. Rivers have banks, roadshave shoul ders, cliffs have edges, moun tains have val leys, coun -tries have bor ders, and farms have prop erty lines. Each thing hasa begin ning and an end ing that is defined by its bound aries.

Bound aries in cul tures. Cul tural bound aries exist withinnations, com pa nies, reli gions, and com mu ni ties. They are formedaround things like lan guage, behav ior, cus toms, rit u als, beliefs,atti tudes, loy al ties, skills, and expe ri ences. For exam ple, in somecul tures, eat ing is only allowed with your right hand. The left

2 Better Bound aries

hand is con sid ered “sin is ter.” Sim i larly, some cul tures value loud and open expres sion of grief while oth ers honor a more stoicapproach. “When in Rome do as the Romans do” speaks to along-stand ing need to acknowl edge and adapt to a cul ture’sbound aries.

Bound aries in fam i lies. Fam i lies are famous for the lines theydraw around peo ple and behav iors. They adopt spo ken andunspo ken rules, lim its, and ide ol o gies not eas ily over turned, even in adult hood. The bound aries a fam ily has can be quickly iden ti -fied by ask ing the fol low ing ques tions: Can the chil dren speaktheir minds respect fully? What does the fam ily do on Sat ur daymorn ings? When are beds changed? How is money to be savedand spent? Can you drop in on friends or must you always callahead? How must you dress if you are going to the store? If,how, and when should feel ings be expressed? Your per sonalbound ary sys tem not only inte grates bound aries you adoptedfrom your fam ily, but also has grown from other influ ences andexpe ri ences in your life.

Other bound aries. Bound aries are end lessly pres ent. Ouroffice over looks a free way full of them. Divid ers sep a rate traf ficpat terns, lanes keep cars within the lines, exits and on-ramps guidetraf fic on and off the free way, signs set lim its on speed ing, hornsand ges tures warn driv ers to stay in their place, and an occa sionalstate police man can be seen help ing a driver rethink a bound aryvio la tion. The fol low ing are exam ples of every day bound aries thatare com mon among the mil lions of peo ple in the world:

! Lim its to what your body can phys i cally tol er ate

! Rules reg u lat ing your be hav ior in so ci ety

! Build ing codes

! Mu si cal scales

! En gine re quire ments

! Sales ter ri to ries

! Rec i pes and bak ing times

! Zip codes

! Noise lev els

! Cur fews

! End zones

Introduction 3

! Bud gets

! Dead lines

We re peat, to our selves and to you, bound aries are es sen tial. This list ex em pli fies the many ways we live our ev ery day lives withinbound aries. This book, how ever, will help you cre ate per sonalbound aries. To try to thrive with out them will lead to failure.

Most bound aries are flex i ble; some are inflex i ble. Some peo -ple think of flex i ble bound aries as fences with gates or wheels.You move them to fit the sit u a tion and your own growth. Forexam ple, Tom, a cli ent once blocked from sat is fy ing inter ac tionby a com pul sive need to talk too much, installed a bound ary thatrestricted him from say ing more than five sen tences at a time.Once he grew as a lis tener, he grad u ally moved the bound aryaside and is now able to inter act suc cess fully. As you cre ate better bound aries, you will learn which ones can be more flex i ble tomatch the cir cum stance.

How ever, you may need cer tain bound aries to be inflex i ble.You might think of them as fences with no entrances or exits.These kinds of bound aries don’t move eas ily, if at all. Inflex i blebound aries are appro pri ate when you need to pro tect your selffrom some thing or some one that has proven harm ful to you. Forexam ple, some one who was once eas ily swept into con trol lingrela tion ships may choose to build an inflex i ble bound ary againstdat ing peo ple who show early signs of attempt ing to dic tate hisor her behav ior. Sim i larly, peo ple who have defined and cho sencer tain moral stan dards will build inflex i ble bound aries betweenthem selves and what they con sider to be immoral behav iors.Both flex i ble and inflex i ble bound aries give struc ture to your life.Your bound aries will define who you are, who you give time and energy to, where you’re headed, and what you care about.

Better BoundariesAs we have said, this book will chart a path that takes you fromtrea sur ing your self, to own ing your life, to pro tect ing it withwell-placed bound aries. Our goals are to in crease your knowl -edge and skills so you can thrive. In part 1, we iden tify bound -aries to help you cre ate better ones. In part 2, we fo cus on thesub ject of trea sur ing your self be cause peo ple are more in clined to pro tect what they value. Part 3 is com posed of ex am ples of lifesit u a tions cen tered on bound ary is sues. Fi nally, in part 4 we con -

4 Better Bound aries

clude with a brief view of cli ents of ours who are living treasured lives.

The fol low ing list of def i ni tions are words we use through -out the book—just famil iar ize your self with them to help avoidcon fu sion later.

Bound aries: A limit you set be tween your self and peo pledue to thoughts, ac tiv i ties, and things that aren’t in yourbest in ter est.

Self: Your most au then tic phys i o log i cal, psy cho log i cal, andspir i tual self.

Pur pose: Your core mo ti va tion and con tri bu tion.

Mis sion: The ex pres sion of your pur pose.

Trea sur ing Your self: Be friend ing, val u ing, and lov ing your -self as a trea sure.

Spirit: Your in ner most core of be ing; your es sence.

Writ ing this book has strength ened our own per sonalbound ary sys tems and we are sure that read ing it can do thesame for you.

Introduction 5

Part I

Boundaries

1

UnderstandingBoundaries

“The ap pro pri ate uses of the words ‘Yes’and ‘No’ make more room for love.”

—SARK

You pro tect what you care about. If you care about your Self, you will pro tect your self with per sonal bound aries un less you don’tknow how, or don’t know it’s your right.

It’s impos si ble for you to thrive with out strong bound aries,and the most sta ble bound aries seem to be rooted in the abil ity to trea sure your self. When you are clear on where you end andoth ers begin, when you adopt full own er ship of your life, andwhen you’re your own best friend, you will nat u rally buildbetter bound aries and there fore a finer, more car ing life. Thegain is too great and the loss too dev as tat ing to treat this like anon-essen tial. In very real ways, your life can lit er ally dependon bound aries.

The Essential Need for Boundaries Re search ers in ev ery field of hu man study agree that bound ariesare es sen tial to a mean ing ful, well-lived life. They pro motehealth, in ner peace, safety, con fi dence, ex plo ra tion, ex pres sion,pos i tive re la tion ships, and ser vice to oth ers. The best way to de -fine bound aries is prob a bly to just say what they do.

Bound aries define your iden tity. Bound aries are your bor der -lines, enabling an iden ti fi able shape to emerge around yourbeliefs and pref er ences. This def i ni tion pro duces a con fi dencewithin you that lets oth ers know what you have to offer. Youbecome like a prod uct with clearly defined ingre di ents. Peo plecan sense that you are clear and con fi dent with your self. Theywill know what to expect from you. This does n’t mean bound -aries make you pre dict ably bor ing; it means they help you attractpos i tive peo ple and oppor tu ni ties that will wel come who you are.

Bound aries pro tect you from vio la tors. Bound aries pro tect youfrom peo ple, beliefs, hab its, and sit u a tions that lessen or blockyou in some way. “Vio la tors” are not so attracted to peo ple withgood bound aries because it is tougher to manip u late or con trolsome one with clearly defined bound aries. Bound aries are like asort ing machine that says “yes” to what fits and “no” to whatdoes n’t. They let in what is good and keep out what is bad sothat you remain safe to be and express your authen tic self.Bound aries are your bor der guards; friendly but firm, wel com ingbut choosey.

Bound aries speak for you. Peo ple with effec tive bound aries giveoff an often unspo ken mes sage that usu ally dis cour ages bound -ary vio la tors. Just as self-defense teach ers help stu dents learn towalk a cer tain way to pro ject an “I’m pre pared if you mess withme” atti tude, bound aries help your personna “walk” a cer tainway that says “I’m open but par tic u lar.” Van dals think twicewhen they sense this kind of con fi dence.

Bound aries bring order. The rea son you require clear bound -aries is that with out them you will be unable to reg u late the com -ing and going of swarms of peo ple, demands, ideas, dreams,com mit ments, respon si bil i ties, oppor tu ni ties, plea sures, andactiv i ties. With out bound aries, life becomes a tran sit sta tion with -out a train sched ule—cha otic, going this way and that on thewhim of an engi neer or the threats of pas sen gers. It is inter nal

10 Better Bound aries

anar chy result ing in per sonal war fare and ulti mately the death of a vibrant, inten tional life.

Bound aries attract respect ful rela tion ships. Oth ers who alsohave an effec tive per sonal bound ary sys tem will be attracted toyou, increas ing your prob a bil ity of pos i tive, respect ful rela tion -ships. Their attrac tion stems from their own admi ra tion for a per -son who has made the effort to cre ate bound aries and also from a belief that their own bound aries will be respected. Those with outhealthy bound aries may be drawn ini tially to a per son ofstrength, but they’re usu ally scared away when their efforts tocon trol, put down, or manip u late are resisted.

Bound aries pro mote you. Just as bound aries can speak for you, they can also pro mote you to peo ple and oppor tu ni ties look ingfor some one with your iden tity, con fi dence, and self-care. Whenyou are a per son with clearly defined bound aries, you knowyour self and your strengths. You want to use them in your lifeand work. Lead ers and employ ers with good bound aries rec og -nize this. They know if you have bound aries you can be moretrusted to state clearly what you can and can not do, offer work -able alter na tives, wel come input, work pas sion ately with out burn -out, and stick to pro jects and jobs that suit your strength. As anemployee with bound aries you will also be better able to with -stand the inev i ta ble crit i cism from oth ers at work. They may oftenbe intim i dated or angered by their inabil ity to pen e trate your ethicand reduce your pro duc tion or ser vice to their level of medi oc rity.

Bound aries pro tect you from the con trol of oth ers. You are pres i -dent of your life and bound aries will pro tect you from peo plewho want to impeach you. They will also make it dif fi cult formanip u la tors to con trol you because you will rec og nize a threatto your own er ship.

Bound aries pre serve your pur pose and mis sion. When you know your pur pose and mis sion, you have even more rea son to cre atebetter bound aries. Once your pur pose and mis sion are iden ti fied,bound aries will pre serve you for those rela tion ships and oppor -tu ni ties that fit who you are and what you want to do about it.You will be undis tracted by sirens of oppor tu nity that would oth -er wise tempt you to steer off course.

Bound aries pro tect your fin est per sonal assets. Your knowl edge, body, skills, abil i ties, pur pose, and mis sion are among your fin est per sonal assets. These assets deserve pro tec tion, and bound aries

Understanding Boundaries 11

will both pro tect and pre serve them so you can invest thementhu si as ti cally across your life.

Bound aries sat isfy your need for self-con fir ma tion. When an art -ist puts lines on paper, a form is defined, or con firmed. Whenyou draw lines around your life, you and your per son al ity aredefined. Your bound aries con firm you exist and in what form.For exam ple, if you are an intro vert, you will draw a line between your self and pres sure from oth ers to be “more social.” Thebound ary con firms your true nature.

Bound aries trim away the inauthentic clut ter that can hideyou from being seen, acknowl edged, and con firmed. This is onemore rea son to take them seri ously—because they help you to betaken more seri ously.

The New Need for BoundariesThe need for an ef fec tive bound ary sys tem is in creas ing con -stantly for a num ber of rea sons.

Fewer soci etal bound aries. You have fewer cul tural, polit i cal,and moral bound aries around you than you did last year. Andlast year you had fewer than the year before because there is anever-increas ing removal of estab lished soci etal lines betweenwhat is accept able and unac cept able. The loss of cul tural normsand stan dards makes it even more imper a tive for you to set yourown. In an age of rel a tiv ism, where peo ple decide for them selveswhat is right, you have to fig ure out what is right in your owneyes. Few cul tural tra di tions are doing it for you. As the lines ofestab lished tra di tion fade, the need for peo ple to cre ate their ownlines inten si fies.

Although it has always been impor tant to cre ate a per sonalcode of eth ics and behav ior, the num ber of issues to be decidedper son ally were fewer because soci ety made some of the choices.For exam ple, main stream lines have been lifted around the fol -low ing: clon ing, integ rity expec ta tions of pub lic fig ures, sex out -side mar riage, abor tion, vio lence and nudity in the media,accu racy of school grad ing sys tems and national test ing, pro tect -ing chil dren and teens from por nog ra phy, liv ing together beforemar riage, homo sex u al ity, expres sion of faith, truth in report ing,homeschooling, and too many oth ers to name. Right or wrong,these issues had fairly clear bound aries around them in most

12 Better Bound aries

cul tures. Now they don’t, and each per son must decide where his or her lines will be drawn.

Another exam ple of a shift in cul tural bound aries is domes -tic vio lence, once pro tected behind the cul tural bound aries of pri -vacy. For years, main stream soci ety in Amer ica either turned itshead or pos si bly even chuck led, when a hus band “reminded thelit tle lady who’s boss.” Now the line of pri vacy has been lifted,forc ing peo ple to take a per sonal posi tion on the issue of domes -tic vio lence and abuse in gen eral.

Grow ing pop u la tion. More peo ple means more rea sons forbound aries. Pop u la tion taxes the envi ron ment. The pace of lifequick ens. There’s more noise, more con ges tion, and more com pe -ti tion. More peo ple means more poten tial rela tion ships. Or moreiso la tion. What will your bound aries be? What will you let in?Keep out? Give? Receive?

Increas ing neediness. Neediness among the pop u la tion ingen eral is also increas ing in every aspect of life. Good causes, real cri ses, and des per ate con di tions cry out for your help. How willyou sort them?

All of these rea sons are in addi tion to the fun da men tal one for set ting bound aries: you value and own your life.

What Is a Personal Boundary?A per sonal bound ary is a line you draw to pro tect all or a part ofyour life from be ing con trolled, ma nip u lated, “fixed,” mis un der -stood, abused, dis counted, de meaned, dif fused, or wronglyjudged. Per sonal bound aries pro tect your life and pre serve yourhigh est po ten tial so that your “ul ti mate pur pose” can be joy fullyand effectively fulfilled.

Bound aries keep dan ger and harm out of your life. Harmcan come from peo ple, places, or activ i ties, or it can come frominter nal beliefs and hab its.

Per sonal bound aries are a set of flex i ble and inflex i ble lim itsthat let good in and keep bad out. You get to draw a line aroundyour life because it is your life. You are in charge of how you liveand develop. You are the guard ian of your spirit, mind, andbody, the cura tor of your soul and iden tity, and the keeper ofyour dreams. The choice is yours. The rights, priv i leges, andresponsibilities of own er ship belong to you because this is YourLife.

Understanding Boundaries 13

Your right to bound aries. Your right to bound aries as ownerof your life is not self ish, nor does it vio late a faith that trusts aHigher Power for guid ance. It is a sim ple prin ci ple of own er ship.If you own it, it’s yours. You get to make choices for your life. Ifyou trea sure your life, you will make choices for its good. If youdon’t, you won’t.

Your qual ity of own er ship. The qual ity of the choices youmake as owner of your life will largely depend on how deeplyyou trea sure your self.

Trea sur ing your self is a skill most chil dren know nat u rallyand many adults have lit er ally or fig u ra tively had beaten out ofthem. Depend ing on the parenting style in your home, your early efforts at draw ing lines around your life may or may not havebeen wel comed. For many, line-draw ing was dropped because itmade the adults uncom fort able. Or, the child wanted to avoidlec tures or sham ing clucks from rel a tives and teach ers whobelieved chil dren were will ful or dis obe di ent if they expressed an opin ion.

How ever, we don’t want to give you the impres sion thatonly peo ple with weak bound aries need to adjust them. Somepeo ple’s bound aries need flex ing. They have built walls whereonly fences are required. They need to “let up.”

Con struct ing a solid, effec tive per sonal bound ary sys temtakes time. How ever, once you’re suc cess ful at set ting new lim itsin one area, it will moti vate you to move to the next. “The firstbound ary I drew was between myself and my habit of say ingneg a tive things about myself to oth ers,” said Carl, a capa bleengi neer strug gling with feel ing socially infe rior. “Once I got ahandle on that, I moved to set ting lim its on names I calledmyself, like ‘You stu pid fool’ and ‘Loser’.” He adds, “I movedfrom bound ary to bound ary and grad u ally my life changed.”

Boundaries and Your Personal MissionBound aries not only max i mize the prob a bil ity of a happy

life, they set the stage for dis cov er ing and ful fill ing your per sonal mis sion. Your per sonal mis sion is the way you choose to expressyour iden tity, pur pose, and pas sion in your life. To set effec tivebound aries, you must have a sense of own er ship over your life.This same own er ship will per mit you to make choices for it. Your

14 Better Bound aries

best life choices will be those that are in line with your per sonalpur pose and mis sion.

Steve came to us for help in clar i fy ing his pur pose and mis -sion in light of an oppor tu nity he faced. He is a bright, social, and ani mated man in his late thir ties. He has never mar ried but hasenjoyed long-term rela tion ships, includ ing a cur rent one that may become per ma nent. Sadly, his mother had died three yearsbefore. He loves his imme di ate fam ily, so after a time liv ingacross coun try, he returned to live with his father. Steve’s sis terslive nearby and he is very close to their young chil dren.

Steve’s par ents raised their chil dren to be lov ing, car ing peo -ple. How ever, their under ly ing mes sage was: “We have takencare of you and some day you will take care of us.” Steve came tous torn between his love for his father and fam ily and a chancehe had been given to pur sue his pas sion as a vio lin ist in a phil -har monic two thou sand miles away.

The results of our work with Steve revealed that mak ingmusic was clearly his pur pose, and mak ing music pro fes sion allywas his mis sion. The posi tion with the phil har monic suited himwell. He had a deep love of city life and cul ture, but thought ofthis part of him self as “self ish and unnec es sary.” Our assess -ments revealed these cul tural appre ci a tions to be an impor tantpart of Steve’s iden tity.

Steve felt caught between a desire to pur sue his career and adesire to be near his fam ily. He wanted to ful fill his father’s wishfor his help. This was a chal leng ing bound ary and own er ship test for him and he wanted to cre ate a solu tion that would sat isfyboth sides of him self. He wanted a win-win out come.

We used a sto ry tell ing approach to help Steve find the solu -tion he sought. We wrote a fic tional future story as if Steve weredescrib ing his life to his nephew twenty years from now. Thestory told how Steve had said “no” to the phil har monic to livewith and care for his father in their midsized town, how it felt topass up the oppor tu nity, and how he had cho sen to express hislove of music as a vol un teer in a local cham ber orches tra in hisoff time from his job as a music store man ager.

The point of the exer cise was to help Steve “live through” achoice so that he could change it and choose a story he wouldrather tell. He returned the fol low ing week with his own ver sion.Our story had helped Steve know with some cer tainty that hewould not want to have to describe his life in quite that way. Inhis own edit ing of the story he had imag ined say ing “yes” to the

Understanding Boundaries 15

phil har monic’s invi ta tion, and he did n’t like that end ing either.So, as often hap pens when you seek to be true to your self,another plan emerged.

Steve decided he would move to a large, cul tur ally rich city(to honor his need for city life and cul ture) sixty miles away fromhis father (close enough to check in with his father and beinvolved with his sis ters and their fam i lies) and play pro fes sion -ally in a cham ber orches tra (ful fill ing his pur pose and mis sion).Steve left the door open for changes in the future, and waspleased to have dis cov ered a solu tion that sat is fied his points often sion.

Some would say Steve should have taken the phil har monicposi tion, that there comes a time to leave a par ent. Oth ers mightsay he should stay put. The truth is, it does n’t mat ter what any -one thinks because it’s Steve’s life. He weighed his choices asowner of his life and bal anced them in a way that was true towhat most mat tered to him.

Boundaries and BenevolenceBound aries, pur pose, and mis sion are com pat i ble. So are

bound aries and benev o lence. In fact, with out bound aries, thegood things you mean to do can eas ily get choked out by activ i -ties and roles you accept because you think you have to.

Benev o lence, or acts of kind ness, comes in as many forms asthere are expres sions of love. The lov ing words you inscribe in abook, the child you men tor, the fresh bread you take to a neigh -bor, the news let ters you fold for the Amer i can Can cer Soci ety, are all acts of benev o lence. Kind ness makes a dif fer ence, because love makes a dif fer ence, and one slice of your love spring ing fromyour pas sion can change a life.

At their best, bound aries built on life own er ship andtreasuredness will free you to wildly ful fill your mis sion by con -trib ut ing to the good of oth ers. It also hap pens to be one of thefin est gifts you can give to your self.

Building Your Boundaries on TreasurednessRecently, the Smith so nian went on the road to treat Amer ica

to a sam pling of its trea sures. When the exhibit came to Port land,a local radio sta tion con ducted exit inter views, ask ing guests

16 Better Bound aries

“What did you enjoy the most?” The over whelm ing win ner onthe day we lis tened was Dor o thy’s ruby slip pers from The Wiz ardof Oz.

The beloved, mag i cal ruby slip pers worn on Dor o thy’s feetin the clas sic movie were unof fi cially voted the most trea suredobject of the exhibit, even though over time they have becomeless than ruby. They are trea sured.

Imag ine that on the final day of the exhibit a draw ing washeld to give away the slip pers. Madeline’s name was drawn. Shewas a true fan of Oz, a col lege junior who had mem o rized thesongs by age three and had watched the video so often she couldspeak the parts. As a child, she had grown through sev eral sizesof her own shiny red shoes.

Now pic ture Madeline being escorted to her car by themuseum’s cura tor. Hear her ask, “What spe cial instruc tions do Ineed to take care of these pre cious slip pers?” His answer is: “Justtake care of them in a way that shows you love them and they’llbe fine.”

What’s true for Madeline’s ruby slip pers is true for you aswell. If you treat your life in a way that shows you love it, it willbe fine. You will guard it, enjoy it, share it, pro vide for it, develop it, and dis play it. You will build a per sonal bound ary sys tem topro tect what you trea sure.

A Life Without Life-Building Personal BoundariesBy life-build ing bound aries, we mean lim its you set that moveyou for ward in your quest for a full, lov ing life with mean ing. Alife with out pos i tive, life-build ing bound aries pro duces end lessprob lems. A boundariless life goes against the pat tern of na tureand is there fore des tined to be come live bait for hungry prey.

The results of an inef fec tive bound ary sys tem are wide -spread; it affects you and the peo ple you encoun ter and influ -ence, as well as the work you do. For exam ple, if you are a per son with weak bound aries who invites peo ple into the inti ma cies ofyour life before you know they are trust wor thy, you will not only open the door to vic tim iza tion, you will put oth ers in your life atrisk. This cre ates an emo tional roller coaster for all of you. Youwill expe ri ence a string of con fus ing and unhappy rela tion shipsresult ing in dis tress, self-incrim i na tion, and hope less ness. Thiswill affect all of your other rela tion ships with fam ily, friends, and

Understanding Boundaries 17

employ ers. Your life will be out of con trol, your atten tion will bedivided, and your work and pres ence will suf fer loss.

On the other hand, if you’re a hyperboundaried per son whorefuses to adjust your opin ions when new truth is pre sented toyou, you will remain trapped in your igno rance. This can alsohave a dam ag ing effect on those around you. Not only can yourpride block your growth and cause peo ple to dis count you as“close-minded,” but those you influ ence, your kids, spouse, andemploy ees, may be shut off from open inter ac tion with you. They may adopt your walled-off atti tude, block ing them selves fromgrowth and truth.

As you can see, con se quences reach beyond you to those inyour life. What you do leads to what oth ers do in very real ways.Con sider the long-range con se quences of the fol low ing pat ternson the peo ple you care about:

! Un kept prom ises

! Overcommitment of your sched ule

! Ad dic tions

! Lies and ex ag ger a tions

! De ny ing health prob lems

! Per pet ual com plain ing

When you are with out life-build ing bound aries, or whenyou have walls that keep truth out of your life, you cre ate havocfor you and the peo ple you touch. If you have n’t dis cov ered italready, you may hurt your self and oth ers need lessly. We know.Like every one else, we have done it our selves. Poor bound arieshurt.

Loss of respect. Inef fec tive bound aries usu ally result in a lossof self-respect and respect from oth ers. In fact, unflat ter ing names are used for boundariless peo ple: spine less, invis i ble, door mat,easy mark, addict, wishy-washy, slut, sell-out, two-faced, andout-of-con trol. There are also names reserved for closed-off,walled peo ple: mind less, in denial, bully, con trol ling, ego-maniac, blind, use less, untouch able, arro gant, anal, and thick-headed.

These names do not fit the trea sured life.

Loss of con trol. If you’re liv ing with out inten tional bound -aries, your life is dic tated by some one or some thing else, not your own inten tional choice.

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We’re not sug gest ing that the boundaried life is with outunde ni able sur prises, or that the well-defined per son does n’texpe ri ence cha otic peri ods of life. What we are say ing is that theboundaried life will have less dis trac tion, chaos, guilt, irre spon si -bil ity, missed oppor tu ni ties, and spoiled rela tion ships than anunboundaried or hyperboundaried one. Your life will also bemore pre pared for sur prises and catas tro phes because you willhave less chaos in your life. This will then give you the space and focus nec es sary to face these cir cum stances.

Peo ple of all back grounds and fam ily sys tems have manybound ary issues in com mon. This includes the temp ta tion toeither give the con trol of their lives to oth ers, or be so iso latedthat help ful rela tion ships and oppor tu ni ties are kept out. Famil iar pat terns are hard to give up because it is usu ally eas ier to go with what you know than to risk the unknown, even if what is knownis hurt ful or inef fec tive.

The down side to this is that you will feel help less and giveup mak ing pos i tive choices for your long-term good. This willlead you to expe ri ence a loss of energy and cause you to buildyour life on min i mum daily require ments, which may cause youto com pen sate through short-term fixes.

Loss of inter est. Live long enough with out bound aries orwith bound aries that keep you impris oned behind your walls and you will lose inter est in life. To some degree, you will give up,become hope less, and likely expe ri ence some degree of depres -sion or anx i ety. You may become cyn i cal or act like a mar tyr. You will become list less and peo ple will find you bor ing. You willleave a leg acy that will become like an orphan because no onewill want to adopt it. You will feel like your life is ane mic, withjust enough energy to stay alive but not enliv ened. You will eat,sleep, work, groan, feel used, and ful fill basic respon si bil i tiesrather than make choices to live and love fully, to work hard andnobly, to ful fill your pur pose, and to con trib ute pas sion ately toyour world.

What Boundaries Are NotBound aries are not an ex cuse to be self ish, ir re spon si ble, ar ro -gant, su pe rior, un will ing to help, judg men tal, bru tally hon est, orrude. Bound aries don’t mean you will never bend over back -wards to help some one, even when it means you will be come

Understanding Boundaries 19

over tired do ing it. Bound aries do not mean you’ll never take arisk and let some one or some thing into your life you are un sureabout. Bound aries don’t mean you don’t give peo ple a sec ondchance. Bound aries don’t mean you will never get “taken” by aclever in vader or that your bound aries will be re spected by oneand all. Bound aries do not mean you will have con trol over yourlife completely.

What bound aries do mean is that you exert choice over your life as its owner. You’ll choose to bend over back wards to help afriend because you want to be that kind of friend. You’ll chooseto take risks with peo ple and oppor tu ni ties because some timesrisks pay off and because you want to be a per son who is open to pleas ant sur prises. You will choose to give cer tain peo ple a sec -ond chance because you know you need sec ond chances, andthirds, and fourths. You will choose to trust a per son until theyprove they are untrust wor thy. You will choose to avoid the ideaof “get ting your life together” and, instead, you will embrace theidea of get ting your life in align ment with your pur pose andmis sion.

Bound aries are a choice. To live with out effec tive bound aries is your choice, but it is not a choice that is in your best inter est.Remem ber, bound aries are in con cert with the uni verse. We hope you’ll choose to play well in the band.

Reminding Yourself

! Bound aries are re quired for a full and mean ing ful life.

! The most sta ble bound aries are rooted in a sense of per -sonal treasuredness.

! Bound aries bring or der; de fine your iden tity; speak foryou; at tract re spect ful re la tion ships; pro mote you; pro tectyou from the con trol of hurt ful peo ple, be hav iors, and sit -u a tions; pre serve your pur pose and mis sion; pro tect yourfin est per sonal as sets; and sat isfy your need for self-con -fir ma tion.

! As the world changes, new im per a tives for bound aries are be ing con stantly cre ated.

! If you treat your life in a way that shows you love it, youwill nat u rally cre ate a per sonal bound ary sys tem.

20 Better Bound aries

! A bound ary is a line that sep a rates one thing from an -other.

! Bound aries are a nat u ral part of the uni verse and are em -bed ded in daily life.

! A per sonal bound ary is a line that sep a rates you fromother peo ple, places, or things.

! A life with out ef fec tive bound aries will re sult in a loss ofre spect, vi tal ity, and leg acy.

! You have a right to cre ate per sonal bound aries be causeyou are the owner of your life.

! Bound aries are not an ex cuse for self ish ness or poor char -ac ter.

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