Sucked Dry

I have been aflicted with political, moral and social malaise since a child. Many of my teachers have remarked – throughout my education – that I was one of the most cynical people they had ever met. Something of a natural contrarian, a devils advocate (and I do stand with Lucifier: Non Serviam) and general aprincipalist. Christopher Hitchens speaks of himself as having lived, at times, the Janus life of two faces, as I reflect to count mine, I see none in the mirror (an ideological vampire?).

I could, as is the wont of the continental left, couch my own situation in terms of pageant-profundity, say all the right cliches ('the hollowing out of politics', 'the social malaise', 'the death of' this or that) but that would only serve to alleviate myself of responsibility and humility, of which im often short. The personal aspect of this predicament is what concerns me the most, not least because im prone to self-pitying narcissism (the most sophisticated kind). Society will be analysed after the fact in self-proving theoretical constructs which invariably start with the principles of their conclusions. The personal is the only means of motivating oneself and others.

The problem is i'm not disaffected, or affected in any manner. I've left the implicit hegemony, what ever it may be at the moment, subsune my identity; indeed, I am generally not inclined to recognise an identity for myself, and have deeep suspicions about the concept, no doubt stemming from my own ignroance.

As an adult tabala rasa, I wonder if im free to fill in my own slate. Pick and choose what I can find morally outrageous and generally commit to that. I dislike lasting judgement however – I am very judgemental in the moment as I put on the mantle of socialism, or capitalism or religion or anti-theism or whatever attire necessary for my party-trick personality. In any case, that's what im after, the lifeblood of concern.

I have a few concerns at the moment which are, I believe, my own – thuogh it is difficult to keep track of which opinions are which. I believe the world view that is being diguised as scientific is profoudnly misguided and I've a growing scepticism of the meanign of science, its proper relation to me and others. Though I am studying physics and prone to hating what I Have to do, thus will these opinions be shed after graduation? Perhaps that's all im good for: spouting on in-the-moment topics, a largely hollow but opinionated sophist with no ability to believe anythign for any length of time. As XXX said, Life is lived forwards and reviewed in reverse. Thus perhaps I will write on anything and everything and collect at some point my output and construct a world view out of it. Shoot the bullets at the wall then draw a target around them, that's what we all do anyway, isnt it?