12 A Basket of Gems

BBaldness

I love bald men. Just because you’ve lost your fuzz, don’t mean you ain’t a peach.

Dolly Parton

Banks

The sub-prime crisis in JapanFollowing the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

13Beatitudes

Beatitudes

The Beatitudes as we would have written themHappy are the ‘pushers’: for they get on in the world.

Happy are the hard-boiled: for they never let life hurt them.

Happy are they who complain: for they get their own way in the end.

Happy are the blasé: for they never worry over their sins.

Happy are the slave-drivers: for they get results.

Happy are the knowledgeable men of the world: for they know their way around.

Happy are the troublemakers: for they make people take notice of them.

J. B. Phillips

Blessed are those who seek worldly pleasures instead of seeking the will of God – they are my missionaries.

Blessed are the troublemakers – they shall be called my children.

Blessed are those who murmur and complain and have no joy – they really make my work easy.

Blessed are those who are focused on the minister’s mannerisms and mistakes – for they get nothing out of his sermons.

Blessed are those who gossip – for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.

Blessed are those who are easily offended – for they will soon get angry and quit.

Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister – for he shall be with me forever.

If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:

14 A Basket of Gems

The lessonThen Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and, gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are the meek…

Blessed are they who mourn…

Blessed are the merciful…

Blessed are they who thirst for justice…

Blessed are you when persecuted…

Blessed are you when you suffer…

Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven…

Then Simon Peter said, ‘Do we have to write this down?’

And Andrew said, ‘Are we supposed to know this?’

And James said, ‘Will we have a test on it?’

And Philip said, ‘What if we don’t know it?’

And Bartholomew said, ‘Do we have to turn this in?’

And John said, ‘The other disciples didn’t have to learn this.’

And Matthew said, ‘When do we get out of here?’

And Judas said, ‘What does this have to do with real life?’

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plans and asked him about his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.

And Jesus wept…