avoid conversational narcissism

8/3/2019 Avoid Conversational Narcissism

1/8

The Art of ConversationHOW TO AVOID CONVERSATIONAL NARCISSISM

BRETT AND KATE MCKAY

ARTOFMANLINESS.COM


2/8

For Men of Danger:Heres the link to the above story and others. Its an interesting website/blog with many helpful suggestionsfor us to be responsible men. Many are gifts of common grace and are skills which many of us have missedbecause of the fathering deficit so common.

This came up this morning as we were discussing Ecclesiastes 8:1:

Who is like the wise? And who knows the interpretation of a thing?A mans wisdom makes his face shine, and the hardness of his face is changed.

In discussing the figure of speech make his face shine we wisely steered clear of facial creams and fixedour gaze on the Aaronic blessing of Numbers 6:24-26

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; theLORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Men who are wise will imitate their Lord by shining in the face and giving ourselves joyously and gen-erously to others, as the Lord has to us. We dont make ourselves the center of all things, but focus on Him.Isnt it delightfully ironic that the only one who has the right to make himself the center of all things sooften focuses on and gives himself sacrifically and steadfastly for others?!

http://artofmanliness.com/2011/05/01/the-art-of-conversation-how-to-avoid-conversational-narcissism/

Also check out Brian Regans classic send up of the Me Monster atwww.thatvideosite.com/video/brian_regan_be_careful_of_the_me_monster


3/8

Last month I met up with an old friend I hadnt seen in forever to have lunch.Having both read and written about how to be an effective and charismatic con-versationalist, I followed the old dictum of listening more than talking and asking

the other person engaging questions about themselves. This is supposed to charm yourconversation partner. I guess it worked because my friend talked about himself for anhour straight and didnt ask me a single question.

When weve talked about the ins and outs of making good conversation before,

someone inevitably asks, But what if both people keep trading questions back andforth? Well, thats a pretty good problem to have, but Ive yet to see it happen. Instead,most folks seem to struggle with asking any questions at all and have a very difficult timerelinquishing the floor.

In a time where a lot of the old social supports people relied upon have disappeared,people have become starved for attention. They bring this hunger to their conversations,

which they see as competitions in which the winner is able to keep the attention onthemselves as much as possible. And this is turning the skill of conversation-making intoa lost art.

Conversational Narcissism

In The Pursuit of Attention, sociologist Charles Derber shares the fascinating results of astudy done on face-to-face interactions, in which researchers watched 1,500 conversa-tions unfold and recorded how people traded and vied for attention. Dr. Derber discov-ered that despite good intentions, and often without being aware of it, most peoplestruggle with what he has termed conversational narcissism.

Conversational narcissists always seek to turn the attention of others to themselves.Your first reaction to this statement is likely, Oh, I dont do that, but I know someonewho does! But not so fast. Conversational narcissism typically does not manifest itselfin obviously boorish plays for attention; most people give at least some deference to

The Art of ConversationHOW TOAVOID CONVERSATIONAL NARCISSISM

BRETT AND KATE MCKAY ARTOFMANLINESS.COM MAY2011


4/8

social norms and etiquette. Instead, it takes much more subtle forms, and were all guiltyof it from time to time. Everyone has felt that itch where we couldnt wait for someoneto stop talking so we could jump in; we pretended to be listening intently, but we were

really focusing on what we were about to say once we found an opening.So today were going to discuss the ways in which conversational narcissism creeps

into our interactions with others. While it may seem a bit strange that conversations canbe analyzed this deeply, Dr. Derbers research is filled with some really brilliant insightsthat will help you see how a conversation unfolds and how you can easily fall into theconversational narcissism trap. I know it did for me.

The Unsurpassed Pleasure of a Good Old Fashioned Conversation

Before we get into the forms that conversational narcissism takes, lets take a minute todiscuss why you should even care about the health of your conversations in the first place.

You probably know how mastering the art of conversation is an invaluable tool inbuilding your charisma and networking with others, whether it comes to business orpleasure. But its also a vital part of fulfilling a deep human need we have as social ani-mals.

Have you ever had a night out with friends, maybe you met up at a new restaurant,had a few beers, and ended up talking and laughing the night away? As you walked to

your car, I bet your brain felt positively aglow with a warm sensation of deep satisfactionand pleasure. Thats the effect a great conversation can have on you. Absorbing conversa-tions truly add happiness and richness to our lives.

But the enjoyment of a good conversation is becoming more of a rarity these days. Inour time of cell phones, text messaging, and emails, were having less face-to-face interac-tions, and thus when we do meet up with people in the flesh, our social skills can be abit rusty. So we can all use some brushing up on the art of conversation and how tomake great conversations a more frequent occurrence in our lives.

Conversations: Competition vs. Cooperation

The quality of any interaction depends on the tendencies of those involved to seekand share attention. Competition develops when people seek to focus attentionmainly on themselves; cooperation occurs when the participants are willing andable to give it. Dr. Charles Derber

A good conversation is an interesting thing; it cant be a solely individual endeavor

it has to be a group effort. Each individual has to sacrifice a little for the benefit of thegroup as a whole and ultimately, to increase the pleasure each individual receives. Its likea song where the rhythm is paramount, and each person in the group must contribute to

2 HOW TOAVOID CONVERSATIONAL NARCISSISM


5/8

keeping that rhythm going. One person who keeps on playing a sour note can throw thewhole thing off.

Thats why its so important that conversations are cooperative instead of competitive.

But many people (and Dr. Derber argues, Americans especially, because of our culture ofindividual initiative, self-interest, and self-reliance) make conversations into competi-tions. They want to see if they can get the edge on the other people in the group byturning the attention to themselves as much as possible. This is accomplished throughthe subtle tactics of conversational narcissism.

How Conversational Narcissism Manifests Itself

So lets get down to the nuts and bolts. How does conversational narcissism rear its head

and derail what could have been a great face-to-face interaction?During a conversation, each person makes initiatives. These initiatives can either be

attention-giving or attention-getting. Conversational narcissists concentrate more on thelatter because they are focused on gratifying their own needs. Attention-getting initia-tives can take two forms: active and passive.

Active Conversational Narcissism

The response a person gives to what someone says can take two forms: the shift-response

and the support-response. The support-response keeps attention on the speaker and onthe topic he or she has introduced. The shift-response attempts to set the stage for theother person to change the topic and shift the attention to themselves. Lets look at anexample of the difference between the two:

Support-ResponseJames: Im thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Oh yeah? What models have you looked at?

Shift-ResponseJames: Im thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Oh yeah? Im thinking about buying a new car too.

James: Really?Rob: Yup, I just test drove a Mustang yesterday and it was awesome.

In the first example, Rob kept the attention on James with his support-response. Inthe second example, Rob attempts to turn the conversation to himself with a shift-

response.The shift-response if often very subtle. People put in a nice transition to disguise it byprefacing their response with something like, Thats interesting, Really? I can see

The Art of Manliness 3


6/8

that, right before they make a comment about themselves. Oh yeah? And then theylltie their response into the topic at hand, Im thinking about buying a new car too.

Now its important to point out that a shift-response just opens up the opportunity

for a person to grab the attention, but it doesnt necessarily mean theyre going to. Its amatter of intent. You might simply be looking to highlight what the other person hassaid and share a bit of your own experience before bringing the conversation back to theother person. Thats a healthy and natural part of the give and take of conversation. Letsturn back to Rob and James:

James: Im thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Oh yeah? Im thinking about buying a new car too.

James: Really? Maybe we could go look around together.Rob: Sure. So what models are you looking at?

James: Thats the thingIm not sure where to start.Rob: Well, what are the most important things to youfuel economy, storage room,

horsepower?

So here Rob interjected about himself, but then he turned the conversation back toRob. Conversational narcissists, on the other hand, keep interjecting themselves untilthe attention has shifted to them. Like this:

James: Im thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Oh yeah? Im thinking about buying a new car too.

James: Really? Maybe we could go look around together.Rob: Sure. I just test drove the Mustang yesterday and it was awesome.

James: Thats cool. I dont think I want a sports car though.Rob: Well, I want something with at least 300 horsepower and definitely leather seat-

ing. Did I ever tell you about the time my buddy let me take his Maserati out for a spin?Now that is an automobile.

James: Which one of your friends has a Maserati?

Most conversational narcissistscareful not to appear rudewill mix their supportand shift responses together, using just a few more shift-responses, until the topic finallyshifts entirely to them. Conversational narcissists succeed when they elicit a supportresponse from their partner. Which one of your friends has a Maserati?

To summarize, its fine to share things about yourself, as long as you loop the conver-sation back to the person who initiated the topic. The best rule to follow is simply not to

jump in too early with something about yourself; the earlier you interject, the more like-ly you are to be making a play to get the attention on yourself. Instead, let the person tellmost of their story or problem first, and then share your own experience.



7/8

Passive Conversational Narcissism

Conversational narcissism can take an even subtler form. Instead of interjecting aboutthemselves and trying to initiate a new topic, conversational narcissists can simply with-

hold their support-responses until the other persons topic withers away and they cantake the floor.

To understand how this works, lets first look at the three forms support-responsescan takeeach one represents an ascending level of engagement and interest with thetopic and speaker:

Background acknowledgments: Minimal acknowledgments that youre listeningsuch as, Yeah, Uh-huh, Hmm, Sure.

Supportive assertions:Acknowledgments that show active listening. Thats great.You should go for it. Thats not right.

Supportive questions: Questions show that youre not only listening, but are inter-ested in hearing more. Why did you feel that way? What was his response

when you said that? What are you going to do now?

A conversational narcissist can kill someones story dead in its tracks by withholdingthese support-responses, especially by not asking any questions. Etiquette dictates that

we dont ramble on and share every detail of a story right off the bat. We say a bit, andthen wait for further questions, so we know that the person were speaking with is inter-ested in what we have to say. In the absence of such questions, the speaker will begin todoubt that what theyre saying is interesting. So theyll stop speaking and turn the atten-tion to the other person. A victory for the conversational narcissist.

Conversationalist narcissists will also show their disinterest in the speaker by delayingtheir background acknowledgmentsthose all important Yeahs and Hmmms.Good conversationalists place their background acknowledgments in just the rights

spots, in the small natural pauses in the conversation. The narcissist tries to adhere tosocial expectations by giving the speaker some cursory acknowledgments, but theyre notreally listening, and so they throw them in there just a few seconds off. The speaker easi-ly picks up on this skewed-timing and will stop talking and shift their attention to thenarcissist.

Finally, one more form of conversational narcissism to avoid is the Well, enoughabout me, I want to hear more about you! tactic. People will often pull out this kind ofline right at the end of an event, so they can make a show of etiquette and interest in the

other person, while not actually having to give that person attention that lasts more thana few minutes.

The Art of Manliness 5


8/8

Becoming a Master of the Art of Conversation

Avoiding these pitfalls of conversational narcissism will have you well on your way tobecoming a competent and charismatic conversationalist. Once someone introduces a

topic, your job is to draw out the narrative from them by giving them encouragement inthe form of background acknowledgments and supportive assertions, and moving theirnarrative along by asking supportive questions. Once their topic has run its course, youcan introduce your own topic. But as we mentioned earlier, it takes two to tango. Itsnow your partners turn to ask you questions. If they dont, youll sadly find yourself, as Idid at the lunch with my friend, listening to a never-ending monologue. Just smile andenjoy the chips.

Source: The Pursuit of Attention by Charles Derber


MUNICH INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY CHURCHSteve Henderson, Pastor [email protected] www.munichurch.de

Sunday Worship Services at 4:00 pm

M oza r t st r . 1 2 8 0 336 M nc he n( in the Freie Evangelische Gemeinde)u 3 / u 6 a t g o e t h e p l a t z

avoid conversational narcissism

Documents