astral sex — zen teabags

stral SexAZen Tea Bags-

An Illustrated New Age Spoofapedia

583-4_Astral-Sex-Zen-Tea-Bags_pages-final_Layout 1 01/02/2012 15:52 Page 1

stral SexAZen Tea Bags-

An Illustrated New Age Spoofapedia

Gerry Thompsonwith illustrations by Anne Ward and Gerry Thompson

583-4_Astral-Sex-Zen-Tea-Bags_pages-final_Layout 1 01/02/2012 15:52

Copyright © 1994, 2012 Gerry Maguire ThompsonIllustrations by Gerry Maguire Thompson and Anne Ward

The right of Gerry Maguire Thompson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1998.

First published by Findhorn Press 1994. 2nd revised and updated edition published by Findhorn Press 2012.

ISBN 978-1-84409-583-4

All rights reserved. The contents of this book may not be reproduced in any form, except for short extracts for quotation or review, without the written permission of the publisher.

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data.A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Edited by Nicky Leach. Cover and interior design by Thierry Bogliolo.Printed and bound in the European Union

Published byFindhorn Press

117-121 High Street, Forres IV36 IAB, Scotland, UKt +44(0)1309 690582f +44(0)131 777 2711

[email protected]


AUTHOR’S NOTE

This book is essential and hilarious reading forboth fans and debunkers of everything to dowith the spiritual, the holistic, and thealternative.

It also serves as:

� a handy guide for anyone who wishes tosound pompous, affected, and self-obsessed

� an affectionately humorous antidote to po-faced self-developers and touchy-feelyholisticker-than-thou types

� a no-holds-barred parody of those navel-gazers and karmic sojourners who maywell be taking themselves much tooseriously.

Terms in italics refer to a separate cross-reference on another page.

Where a number of meanings are given,they are listed in order of pretentiousness.

Astral Sex—Zen Teabags 5

INTRODUCTION

Offering a guide to any kind of jargon is a daunting task, for jargon,by its very nature, generally constitutes the use of words that ap-pear to mean something terribly profound but actually mean verylittle, if anything at all. In fact, the meaning of much jargon is un-known, though no-one can afford to admit that. The main purposeof jargon, then, is not to convey meaning or content but to identifyits user as a knowledgeable, sophisticated, and important person.

Explaining so-called “New Age” or “Mind-Body-Spirit” jargon iseven more challenging, owing to a general lack of agreement asto what the New Age is, what it includes, or whether it even exists.Even if the New Age does not exist, however, there is no denyingthat its jargon does exist, and, as jargon goes, it is very “jargony.”New Age Speak has the homogeneity that characterizes a fully-fledged body of cliché. It is unified by a number of qualities thatcan easily be mastered by anyone who wishes to convincingly pres-ent themselves as an authority in this broad but ill-defined arena.Overall, the aim seems to be to appear at once arrogant, omnis-cient, pompous, and totally disconnected from reality, and in thisway to show how incredibly sensitive, aware, evolved, and totallyenlightened you really are.

If you follow the guidelines in this book, then, you will surelyachieve what appears to be the goal of the true New Age jargon-monger—not to have a clue what you are talking about. I wish yousuccess.—Gerry Maguire Thompson


ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Gerry Thompson is a comedian, comedy trainer, andwidely published author whose books have soldalmost half a million copies worldwide and have beentranslated into 13 languages. Gerry has been involvedin the field of personal development since 1979 and isthe author of the best-selling parody of humanrelationship, Cats Are from Venus, Dogs Are from Mars.Gerry channels a mysterious entity named GuruChikkentikkenanda, who gives spiritual guidance,messages from beyond the grave, and advice onrecipes.

For more information about Gerry, see:www.gerrymaguirethompson.comwww.positivecomedy.com

WHAT PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT

GERRY THOMPSON’S BOOKS:

“Great swing and relish”—Seamus Heaney, Nobel prizewinner for poetry

“Delightful and refreshing”—Denise Linn, author and workshop leader

“I read the book to our cats and dogs. My wife andour rabbit listened, too. It has helped us all.”—Bernie Siegel, MD, author of Love, Medicine, andMiracles

“Definitely worth stocking.”—The Bookseller

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”—Gerry’s Mum

6 Astral Sex—Zen Teabags


AAFFIRMATIONS

Things that people repeat ad nauseam about whatthey would like to have happen in their lives, insteadof actually doing something about it. Anita deLujonne’s definitive work, Teach Yourself Affirmations,shows that affirmations can be created for almost anysituation and gives helpful guidance on structure,syntax, accepted terminology, and so on. Forexample: “There is an infinite supply of energy/chocolate biscuits/ toilet paper/ marijuana/ etc/ in theUniverse, available to me right now.” Or “My genitaliaare the perfect size, shape, color, and texture.”Ms. de Lujonne also provides a set of useful pro-formatemplates into which you can substitute your ownrequirements. The classic form used for treatinginsecurity is a case in point: “I am safe. Life is safe. The

world is a safe place. My job is safe. My car is safe. Mymoney is safe. My pet gerbil is safe.” Another goodformat: “Every day, in every way, my orgasms aregetting better and better and better.”

To summarize de Lujonne’s authoritative guidance,the idea is to be as smug and ego-centric as possible,throw in keywords and phrases such as “abundant.”“magnet,” “right now,” and, of course, the ubiquitousI/my/me/myself, plus as many superlatives as possible.

To be truly great, however, affirmations need to beambitious, arrogant, pompous, wildly unrealistic, andladen with impatience. De Lujonne provides her ownpersonal favorites:

“Everyone adores me, and I can hardly blame them.”

“I am always in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing with the right person.”

“There is no getting away from it, I am simply better than everyone else.”



The best affirmation, however, has tobe that for constipation: “Abundant poosflow from me now, with joy and ease!”

Some people change their name as aform of affirmation, believing that thiswill instantly realign their fortunes withthe new name, as in Abigail Abundance,Horace Healer, or Letitia Love LightLentils.

Recent research has shown thatalmost all adult affirmers displayed asimilar profile when they were children atschool: low self-esteem, forever indetention, and being punished by havingto write “lines” out thousands of times.(See also Negative Affirmations andRelationship Affirmations.)

AKASHIC RECORDS

An infinitely comprehensive library ofrecords that exists at an obscure location



somewhere in the Universe, recording everything thathas ever happened, or will happen. Unfortunately no-one knows how to consult these records; they aretherefore presumed to have been originally set up bya group of Pisceans with Aquarius rising, and nobodywas together enough to remember where they putthem. Still, its good to know they’re there.

ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE

A seemingly innocent approach to postural trainingthat is actually a cover for a far-reaching system oftraining for world domination. An Australian of thisname claimed to have invented the method late lastcentury, but its history actually goes back muchfarther. The original practitioner, who shared the samename, in fact lived around AD 500, and as a result ofthe practice was able to conquer Macedonia, Greece,and Egypt, then go on to invade Persia, Assyria, andBabylon, before finishing off his conquests withAfghanistan, most of India, and Asia Minor, in general.

ALIENS

Despite having evolved in totally different biologicalconditions from us, beings from solar systems otherthan ours always seem to possess basically humanphysical characteristics, such as two arms, two legs,and a head. The main hobbies of aliens, it seems, areto visit Earth, abduct human beings and probe them,make crop circles, avoid us knowing how intelligentthey are, and have their flying objects remainunidentified.

ALIEN ABDUCTION

Widespread reports of abductions by aliens reveal agreat deal of tinkering with the private parts ofabductees. However, many of these reports actuallycame out in the course of therapy and have sincebeen discredited as “recovered memories” and shownto be the product of the therapists’ own promptings.In fact, it is now becoming clear that it may be thetherapists that have been abducted, not the therapees.



Maybe aliens don’t have enough therapists. See alsoConspiracy Theory.

Further Reading

Von Mannekin, Derek. Carry-Outs of the Gods. FarFetched Press 1961

Intergalactic Schools Board, IQ Tests forExtraterrestrials, US/CIA, 1947

ALGAE

Algae is, essentially, pond slime. Algae is also anincredible dietary supplement or “superfood”—aclassic example of all the attributes of the perfectfanatical food fad item: bizarre, previously unheard-of,very expensive, and tasting downright revolting.

ALLERGIESSee Hay Fever and Intolerance.

ALTERNATIVE

A widely used term meaning second choice, next bestthing, or just something that isn’t very good, as in“alternative therapy, “alternative healing,” or“alternative parenting.”

AMWAY LADY

A person of either gender who loses all their friendsthrough building them into elaborate structures forpyramid-selling of natural cleaning products,superfoods, or other life-changing, miracle-workingstuff. All New Agey pyramid-selling schemes go togreat lengths to pretend they’re not pyramid-sellingschemes.

ANAL RETENTION

Evolution of any species over time in such a way thatan anus is still retained. As the human sphincter isbecoming ever tighter over the generations, this termhas mistakenly come to mean “uptight.”



I CHING

An ancient Chinese oracle that is “thrown” to produceguidance of profound indecipherability. I ching alsorefers more generally to a skin irritation caused byextreme frustration stemming from the consultation ofexotic oracles and esoteric divination.

Here is an example reading:

Preponderance of the Small.When the three-toed cauldron sings yellow in the sunset,

The superior man will receive good fortune;So beware the courtiers who bear dandelions.

It furthers one to walk backwards.

IMMORTALISTS

A short-lived movement that was popular in Californiain the late 1970s. Probably died out because it wasAge-ist, Death-ist., and politically incorrect. The classictext is How To Live Forever by the late Hector Stiffkey.

INCARNATION

According to famous New Age guru Ram Dass,incarnation into a human body occurs in order for asoul to make forward progress in their eternalevolution, which he compares to pursuing a sort ofcosmic school curriculum. Some spirits use their



incarnation to get on with their course work and makeprogress on issues from one incarnation to another;others, unfortunately, spend the whole time hatingschool, being in detention, flunking exams, doing “re-sit” life-times, and “dropping out.” See also Past life,Reincarnation.

INNER

This term refers to any part of ourselves that we wantto let other people know needs attention, sympathy,or molly-coddling, as in “I’m working on my InnerChild.”

INTOLERANCE

The body’s refusal to even consider digesting certainfoodstuffs, first documented in the nursery rhyme:“Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat nolean.” The phenomenon has caused endless problemsfor New Agey parents with precocious children: Parent: “Eat up your greens, Angel Topsy!”. AngelTopsy (age 3): “No!” Parent: “But they will make you

big and strong!” Angel Topsy: “No they won’t. I’vegot an intolerance to green vegetables.”

INTUITIVE

A word used by alternative practitioners to describeany professional practice in which they they are notqualified, have not studied, and are not experienced,as in “intuitive healing,” “intuitive astrology,” “intuitiveaccounting,” or “intuitive brain surgery.” The term isfully interchangeable with eclectic, holistic, and so on.

ISSUESMITH

The kind of person who is always about to deal withall of their unresolved stuff and go forward with theirbig plans for life, just as soon as they have moved outof their current dreadful home environment/ left theircurrent destructive relationship/ brought up theircurrent children.



be very careful, my Saturn Return is coming up.” Itseems to be a good thing for Saturn to go away butnot to come back.

SCANTLING

Eclectic healer who has learned 29 different therapiesat weekend workshops and is happy to use them all inany combination. Ranks slightly above the Scantlette:a person who sets up in practice in a therapy afterstudying it while browsing in a bookshop.

SCHLUMP

A mood of serious, humorless, and emotionallysuppressed intensity, regarded as the proper attitudefor spiritually oriented or ecologically aware people.

SCORPIO ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Nobody likes Scorpios. They usually become Rolfers orPrimal Scream therapists. A description of them shouldbe very short as they may seek revenge.



SCRIMPSTERS

Scrimpsters are those people who constantly attendthe least expensive seminars, workshops, andweekend retreats that they can find—usually onsubjects such as carving your own drum, low-budgetMongolian yurt-making, or how to claim every pennypossible from the welfare state. No matter how heavilysubsidized or discounted, or how little any suchworkshop costs, and how much concession they arealready getting, they will always try to negotiatepaying less. They certainly wouldn’t pay the full pricefor this book.

SCRUNT

Person who never has any money, but is alwayscomplaining about those who “sell out” by having ajob, working for a living, paying taxes, playing asupportive role in society, and so on. Collective term:a “winge of scrunts.”

THE SECRET

We can’t tell you what this is; it’s a secret.

SELF-ESTEEM

How well you think of yourself. People think that lowself-esteem is bad for you, but high self-esteem isworse—especially for other people.

SEX

See Communication: Dating and Romance.

SHARING

A touchy-feely euphemism for talking about yourself.A whole distinct language evolved in sharing circles.Strictly correct forms of response in particular becameestablished, and it was vital to observe them in orderto follow protocol. Examples are “I hear what you’resaying,” “I really like where you’re coming from,” andthe terminal (when the listener really can’t take anymore) “Thank you for sharing.”



SHIATSU

A fierce breed of Japanese dog trained to give heavyand painful massage.

SMART

Euphemism meaning apparently clever but actuallydumb, as in smart-ass, smartphone.

SMARTPHONE THUMB

A form of repetitive strain injury that leads to cripplingarthritis of the thumb in later years, caused byincessant use of keyboards on smartphones. As yet,no-one is old enough to have reached “later years.”

SPACE

Term widely used as an excuse in the context ofdisapproval or rejection, as in “I need some space,”“My head needs some space,” and “Get out of myspace.”

SPACE CADET

Disrespectful term for a person with low CCR(Coefficient of Connectedness to Reality). All Tarotreaders, intuitive healers, psychic healers, and indeedmost New Agers, are required to be registered spacecadets. Space cadets are not entirely restricted to theflaky mind-body-spirit realm—some of them operatein Real Life, e.g. Trekkies.

SPIRIT GUIDES

An entity that is thought to have spontaneouslyappeared to help humankind in our self-createdpredicament. Each human being has his or her ownparticular guide who is always around but can besummoned in times of great doubt or need. So namedbecause the guides were first summoned when peopleneeded to know whether they could consume morealcohol without going over the limit for driving.



105


Hare have been amalgamated into the highlytherapeutic Pose of the Hair of the Dog.

Two of the most archetypal yoga postures in thisnew era of extreme superficiality are the Pose ofthe Annoying, or Pain-in-the-Asana, and the Poseof the Pretentious, the potentially irrevocableDisappearing-Up-Your-Own-Asana

YOGHURT

A traditional form ofcultured foodavailable in manyforms, including liveyoghurt, deadyoghurt, and more-dead-than-aliveyoghurt.

ZZEN

A once-significant term whose meaning hasdiminished through persistent overuse until today itmeans nothing at all, as in Zen and the Art of Archery,Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Zen and theArt of Making a Nice Cup of Tea, Now and Zen, and soon.

ZEN TEABAGS

Generic term for random words or phrases thought upon the spur of the moment by disreputableindividuals. They have absolutely no meaning but arepassed off as authentic and deeply meaningfulexpressions. Sometimes used by writers, especially inbook titles. Oscar Wilde is the patron saint of ZenTeabaggism.



ZORROASTROISM

An ancient system of religion whose object of worshipwas a black-clad masked figure whom its followersclaimed would reappear thousands of years later ontelevision, around AD 1950.

APPENDIX ONEA Timeline of the Future History of theWorld According to the Akashic Records

2015: First hint of serious impending change: apolitician admits that he was wrong about something.2020: Radical change sets in: US Republicansacknowledge evolution.2030: Total ban on television violence, bland soapoperas, and unfunny sitcoms. Life insurance can onlybe obtained by nonsmoking, psychic vegans.2040: Ecological awareness and new voting patternsbring changes in leadership around the world. Japandeclares the oceans of the world an internationalwhale park. A dolphin becomes prime minister ofHawaii. Antarctica is handed back to the penguins inexchange for a bucketful of herrings.2055: Cure found for the common cold. Fossil fuelsrun out. Crop circles mystery solved. Hamburgersbecome extinct. Stonehenge found to be a hoax. Thebit of paper with the formula for making plasticwritten on it is lost. Indigenous pine forest spreading



out from the Scottish Highlands engulfs London. UFOsredesignated “FOs.” Parents stop saying, "Things werenever like this in our day" and "Why don't you listen tosome proper music?"2070: Society has now polarized into two groups:those who are attached to materialism,authoritarianism, and the old values, and those whoare in natural harmony with the incoming era of love,light, and spiritual development.2071: A cataclysmic global series of earthquakes, tidalwaves, and natural disasters emanating from Californiaswallows up all the people who were attached tomaterialism, authoritarianism, and the old values,together with the world’s dentists, lawyers, and trafficwardens, who all happened to be there at the time.2072: Following these dramatic global events, andtotally unpredicted by any astrologers anywhere, theearth's axis spontaneously shifts by 23 degrees frommagnetic north. The third Ice Age immediatelybegins, entirely offsetting the prevailing Greenhouseeffect and restoring natural climate patterns. 2100: Radical changes in agricultural practices have

set in. Biodynamic cultivation has now evolved to thepoint where vegetables are grown in the air.Corresponding human physiological change has alsotaken place. Cooking is no longer necessary; humansnow possess a three-stomach digestive system,allowing processing of high-chlorophyll grass-likeplants. Soon after this, the human gizzard evolves andpeople remember how to fly. Men can becomepregnant, but they don't really bother to. 2215: Crime, illness, and religion are now obsolete. Alarge group of extraterrestrials who have beenoccupying human forms in Sedona, Arizona since the1970s decide that Earth is ready for their teachings.They spread over the planet, offering adult educationclasses in High Evolution subjects. Radical economicand political change permeates all continents. Greedbecomes extinct; the emphasis is now on economicshrinkage rather than growth. Some backward nationsare still fighting sporadically, but their efforts aregeared towards giving up land rather than gaining it.Colonel Gadafi is awarded the posthumous NobelPeace Prize. Ordinary people organize raffles in order



to get rid of their personal property; estate agents,who shrewdly escaped the Californian cataclysm,continue to earn fees through helping them findtakers. Everyone is extremely happy and contented.2313: Politics and money are now obsolete. Spiritualenlightenment becomes available in a small bluepackage inside potato crisp packets, even though foodis now also obsolete.2370: Speech is superceded as a means ofcommunication by thought transfer. You only talk tosomeone as a kind of entertaining nostalgic game if,for example, you want to pretend that you're angrywith them (in much the same way as primitivepeoples in the 21st century would use silence to thesame effect).2500: The power of thought is extended over physicalpresence: You just wish to be somewhere, and you'reimmediately there. Travel agents, however, stillmanage to make a living because (a) some clients stillneed guidance on the "in" places to transmogrify to,and (b) travel agents are even more tenacious thanestate agents. Lunar honeymoons and a really good

tan from summer on Mars are all the rage, but a lot ofpeople still prefer to be back home in time for tea(which is still drunk in England).2550: Shangri-la is found—it was hidden in Boise,Idaho, all along. The secret of immortality isdiscovered, but it doesn't really catch on.2600: Problems are now officially obsolete. Almosteverything is officially obsolete. The police arereinvented but purely as a recreational measure—theirfunction is to encourage imaginative and creativemisbehaviour among people who feel that their liveslack depth. Hospitals reopen in order to accommodatethose whose health is unbearably perfect. And prisonsare built to house those whom everyone hatesbecause they are just too nice. 2999: Despite these desperate measures, endemicboredom breaks out all over the planetary village, andno real cure can be found. However, a fanaticalreligious underground group has formed, whose workwill ultimately lead to a whole new era of materialism,authoritarianism, evil, and general endarkenment.



ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My appreciation goes to the following: AnneWard, with whom the wonderful drawings werejointly produced; Susan Mears, my belovedliterary agent; all the staff at Findhorm Presswho worked on this book; and a wide array offunny and inspiring individuals, including JamesTraeger, Jackie Juno, and Gary Larson.

I would also like to offer heartfelt appreciationto all my New Agey acquaintances who havetolerated my weird behavior at dinner parties,office meetings, and other social occasions,when I would interrupt whatever was going onand write down in my notebook stuff thatseemed funny at the time for later inclusion inthis slim volume.—Gerry Maguire Thompsonwww.gerrymaguirethompson.com



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