april 5, 2012

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VOLUME X, ISSUE 5 April 5, 2012 Why is this issue different from all other issues? Health care debate! Page 2 Perspectives! Page 3 Cover letter mad-libs! Page 3 April Fools! Page 4 Today: Rain Tomorrow: A witch’s funeral The Blowfish Inside This Issue JOKE OF THE WEEK: Q: What is blue and smells like red paint? A: Blue paint NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: Read us online! www.issuu.com/theblowfish ACADEMIC NEWS: JOB NEWS: TRAFFIC NEWS: SOCIAL NEWS: Student asserts indi- viduality by writing paper in Helvetica instead of Times New Roman Pg. 12-pt. font Student hides out in campus center to avoid returning to room Pg. 5 roommates Guy who exclusively uses styrofoam plates has special place in hell Pg. 666 Girl almost dies cross- ing South Street Pg. 365 fucking days per year BY DANIEL PIPES Staff Writer TODAY’S WEATHER Higher Tuition, Take a Hike Unemployed grad accepts penny for his thoughts Pg. 1¢ Come on, Guys. It was a joke! After receiving the e-mail about the in- coming tuition hikes at Brandeis, some students are understandably upset. After all, hiking takes away time from social justice and eating, which are Brandeis’ most popular extracurriculars accord- ing to the Wabash survey. The outdoorsmen on campus, however, are excited by the idea of tuition hikes. “Finally, our tuition money is recog- nizing the importance of hiking, a great pastime that we don’t do enough of,” Mountain Club member and Irish revolutionary Michael Collins ’13 told The Blow- fish. Students are eager to go to Blue Hills and start dis- covering some of the wind- ing trails that spider-web the lovely New England scen- ery. “The university said that hard times are ahead of us, and that really excites me,” Carl Severe ’15 told The Blowfish. “I want to really work up a sweat on these hikes. Otherwise, why both- er going?” But what if some people can not afford the physical hazards of the hikes? Susan Tompkins ’11 told The Blowfish, “I don’t come from a place with a lot of mountains, so I don’t think my family can support me through all of these new hikes. Frankly, it’s scary; I feel betrayed. I mean, we already have a pretty steep hill here. Don’t we have enough of a hike schlepping from one end of campus to the other?” While some have suggested the tuition hikes might be referring to raising the price of attending classes at the school, most observers said they didn’t interpret the message that way. Given that the school has increased the number of students while making no attempts to add hous- ing, and already charges far more than most households are able to provide, it seems unlikely that the university would need to raise their costs. Though concerns have been raised over the possibility that the university meant to announce rising tuition costs, many find this reading of the e-mail ridiculous. Bill Jeroski ’15 told The Blowfish, “If this were about money, why would people be so upset? I mean, really. This place is a bargain. My father has no problem with the bills here, and he’s only a corporate lawyer. Come on, we’re prac- tically lower-middle class. I don’t think the university would have even notified us of that kind of change. The hike must be referring to tu- ition-based mountaineering.” “Also, the e-mail said that Brandeis was going to do these tuition hikes because all the other schools were doing it,” said James Moore ’14. “So they are clearly referring to the physical activity of hiking. After all, from a universi- ty management standpoint, it makes no sense simply to use other schools as a reference for price decisions, as there is no correlation between how one institution is run versus another.” Regardless, one can only hope that when these tuition hikes actually take place, they happen during freakishly unseasonal warm weather like of two weeks ago rather than the freakishly unseasonal cold weather this past week. And they say money doesn’t grow on trees. Black Marketing 101 Last week’s announcement of the 2012 commence- ment honorees has made the impending event that much more of a reality. Unfortu- nately, students who are lucky enough to have all of their grandparents still living are a few commencement tickets short. Faced with the prospect of choosing among their relatives and foregoing parts of their inheritances, des- perate students have appealed to the development office for extra tickets. The development office’s only response, however, was a pre-emptive solicitation for alumni dona- tions. Seniors therefore had no other choice than to turn to the black market to score the extra com- mencement tickets. Some students are no strangers to the black market process, having used the market to score illegal substances, such as hard-core antihis- tamines and compre- hensive study guides for PSYC 1a. Others were new to the com- mercial underworld and approached it with extreme caution. Stu- dents who knew a guy who knew a guy were instructed to go to the creepy, dilapidated hut by East and knock on the door in a repetitive motion. When someone answers the door, they need to say: “‘The Blair Witch Project’ sucked but ‘Cloverfield’ was even worse.” Upon hearing the catchphrase, the doorman ad- mits the student into a series of labyrinthine tunnels that connect to a large underground market. “Look, I have a lot of family members,” complained Ariana Blumowitz ’12. “I needed enough tickets for my mother, father, three sisters, two brothers, four grandpar- ents, three great-grandparents, eight aunts, eight uncles, 21 cousins and my neighbor. Where else was I supposed to turn? And, while I was there, I was able to stock up on some livers. Everyone loves some chopped liver with their knishes.” Students have been overjoyed to find a plethora of illegal items in the black market that they never even thought they needed until they saw them. “It’s called impulse shopping because you never know when something disastrous will happen,” said black market marketing expert Debra Mat- thew in an interview with The Blowfish. “I am so glad that I have a large family,” gushed Mark Smithson ’12. “With- out them, I never would have realized how much I needed to have a grenade collection.” When asked how they were responding to the black-mar- ket situation, Campus Police responded: “We’ve handed out 14 tickets in the past week to students parking in the wrong lots.” When The Blowfish pressed the po- lice to find out about stu- dents venturing into the black market, the police responded: “Look, let’s stick to what we know: parking.” While the develop- ment office is not happy that students are going outside the system to acquire tickets, they are happy that this means less work for them. One student, who asked to re- main anonymous (Elissa Mark ’12), went to the black market intending to buy tickets for her grandparents and instead came back with a baby. “He was cheaper and cuter,” she argued. Students are discovering the black market and the joys of midget-dust (a form of PCP that sends you to the ground rather than flying like the angels) thanks to the ticket shortage. BEMCo, however, has had to respond to far more calls than they are used to. “Students have discovered that kid- neys are like gold in the black market. The right kidney could sell for upwards of 12 commencement tickets,” ex- plained Sam Weinstein ’13, a member of BEMCo. “We’ve have had numerous calls from first-years, complaining that seniors jumped them, drugged them and stole one of their kidneys. It’s vicious, man. On the other hand, less students does alleviate the housing problem.” “How many tickets can I get for this kidney?” Brandeis tuition hikes engage outdoorsmen Students turn to black market for commencement tickets BY FREDDIE HALL Amateur Surgeon MORAL NEWS:

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Spring 2012 Issue 5

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VOLUME X, ISSUE 5 April 5, 2012Why is this issue different from all other issues?

Health care debate! Page 2Perspectives! Page 3

Cover letter mad-libs! Page 3April Fools! Page 4

Today: RainTomorrow: A witch’s funeral

TheBlowfish

Inside This Issue

JOKE OF THE WEEK:Q: What is blue and smells like red paint?

A: Blue paint

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:

Read us online!www.issuu.com/theblowfish

ACADEMIC NEWS:

JOB NEWS:

TRAFFIC NEWS:

SOCIAL NEWS:

Student asserts indi-viduality by writing paper in Helvetica instead of Times New Roman

Pg. 12-pt. font

Student hides out in campus center to avoid returning to room

Pg. 5 roommates

Guy who exclusively uses styrofoam plates has special place in hell

Pg. 666

Girl almost dies cross-ing South Street

Pg. 365 fucking days per year

BY DANIEL PIPESStaff Writer

TODAY’S WEATHER

Higher Tuition, Take a Hike

Unemployed grad accepts penny for his thoughts

Pg. 1¢

Come on, Guys. It was a joke!

After receiving the e-mail about the in-coming tuition hikes

at Brandeis, some students are understandably upset. After all, hiking takes away time from social justice and eating, which are Brandeis’ most popular extracurriculars accord-ing to the Wabash survey. The outdoorsmen on campus, however, are excited by the idea of tuition hikes. “Finally, our tuition money is recog-nizing the importance of hiking, a great pastime that we don’t do enough of,” Mountain Club member and Irish revolutionary Michael Collins ’13 told The Blow-fish. Students are eager to go to Blue Hills and start dis-covering some of the wind-ing trails that spider-web the lovely New England scen-ery. “The university said that hard times are ahead of us, and that really excites me,” Carl Severe ’15 told The Blowfish. “I want to really work up a sweat on these hikes. Otherwise, why both-er going?” But what if some people can not afford the physical hazards of the hikes? Susan Tompkins ’11 told The Blowfish, “I don’t come from a place with a lot of mountains, so I don’t think my family can support me through all of these new hikes. Frankly, it’s scary; I feel betrayed. I mean, we already have a pretty steep hill here. Don’t we have enough of a hike schlepping from one end of campus to the other?” While some have suggested the tuition hikes might be referring to raising the price of attending classes at

the school, most observers said they didn’t interpret the message that way. Given that the school has increased the number of students while making no attempts to add hous-ing, and already charges far more than most households are able to provide, it seems unlikely that the university would need to raise their costs. Though concerns have been raised over the possibility that the university meant to announce rising tuition costs,

many find this reading of the e-mail ridiculous. Bill Jeroski ’15 told The Blowfish, “If this were about money, why would people be so upset? I mean, really. This place is a bargain. My father has no problem with the bills here, and he’s only a corporate lawyer. Come on, we’re prac-tically lower-middle class. I don’t think the university would have even notified us of that kind of change. The hike must be referring to tu-ition-based mountaineering.” “Also, the e-mail said that Brandeis was going to do these tuition hikes because all the other schools were doing it,” said James Moore ’14. “So they are clearly referring

to the physical activity of hiking. After all, from a universi-ty management standpoint, it makes no sense simply to use other schools as a reference for price decisions, as there is no correlation between how one institution is run versus another.” Regardless, one can only hope that when these tuition hikes actually take place, they happen during freakishly unseasonal warm weather like of two weeks ago rather than the freakishly unseasonal cold weather this past week.

And they say money doesn’t grow on trees.

Black Marketing 101Last week’s announcement of the 2012 commence-ment honorees has made

the impending event that much more of a reality. Unfortu-nately, students who are lucky enough to have all of their grandparents still living are a few commencement tickets short. Faced with the prospect of choosing among their relatives and foregoing parts of their inheritances, des-perate students have appealed to the development office for extra tickets. The development office’s only response, however, was a pre-emptive solicitation for alumni dona-tions. Seniors therefore had no other choice than to turn to the black market to score the extra com-mencement tickets. Some students are no strangers to the black market process, having used the market to score illegal substances, such as hard-core antihis-tamines and compre-hensive study guides for PSYC 1a. Others were new to the com-mercial underworld and approached it with extreme caution. Stu-dents who knew a guy who knew a guy were instructed to go to the creepy, dilapidated hut by East and knock on the door in a repetitive motion. When someone answers the door, they need to say: “‘The Blair Witch Project’ sucked but ‘Cloverfield’ was even worse.” Upon hearing the catchphrase, the doorman ad-mits the student into a series of labyrinthine tunnels that connect to a large underground market. “Look, I have a lot of family members,” complained Ariana Blumowitz ’12. “I needed enough tickets for my mother, father, three sisters, two brothers, four grandpar-ents, three great-grandparents, eight aunts, eight uncles, 21 cousins and my neighbor. Where else was I supposed to turn? And, while I was there, I was able to stock up on some livers. Everyone loves some chopped liver with their knishes.”

Students have been overjoyed to find a plethora of illegal items in the black market that they never even thought they needed until they saw them. “It’s called impulse shopping because you never know when something disastrous will happen,” said black market marketing expert Debra Mat-thew in an interview with The Blowfish. “I am so glad that I have a large family,” gushed Mark Smithson ’12. “With-out them, I never would have realized how much I needed to have a grenade collection.” When asked how they were responding to the black-mar-ket situation, Campus Police responded: “We’ve handed out 14 tickets in the past week to students parking in the

wrong lots.” When The Blowfish pressed the po-lice to find out about stu-dents venturing into the black market, the police responded: “Look, let’s stick to what we know: parking.” While the develop-ment office is not happy that students are going outside the system to acquire tickets, they are happy that this means less work for them. One student, who asked to re-main anonymous (Elissa Mark ’12), went to the black market intending to buy tickets for her

grandparents and instead came back with a baby. “He was cheaper and cuter,” she argued. Students are discovering the black market and the joys of midget-dust (a form of PCP that sends you to the ground rather than flying like the angels) thanks to the ticket shortage. BEMCo, however, has had to respond to far more calls than they are used to. “Students have discovered that kid-neys are like gold in the black market. The right kidney could sell for upwards of 12 commencement tickets,” ex-plained Sam Weinstein ’13, a member of BEMCo. “We’ve have had numerous calls from first-years, complaining that seniors jumped them, drugged them and stole one of their kidneys. It’s vicious, man. On the other hand, less students does alleviate the housing problem.”

“How many tickets can I get for this kidney?”

Brandeis tuition hikes engage outdoorsmen

Students turn to black market for commencement ticketsBY FREDDIE HALLAmateur Surgeon

MORAL NEWS:

YO, GET THIS:The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such con-tains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

PAGE 2- OPINION

Photo Poll:What’s your superpower, other than being white men?

“Concealing the fact that I’m a cripple.”- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“I can find pot anywhere on campus.”- Ed Callahan

“Making ladies.” - Professor Henry Higgins

“I have so much money. Also bat ears.” - Batman

“My ability to gestate life.”- J. Scott van der Meid

Don’t pass over this great opportunity to

join The Blowfish!

BlowScopesYour guide to shunning all logic and turning to the stars...

Blow / CounterBlowLast week’s arguments before the Supreme Court have brought the issue of Obamacare to the forefront of public debate. Among the most controversial sections of the Affordable Care Act is Article IX Section 9.376 of the bill, which requires all waiting-room literature be published within the last six months.

Interested in photo-shopping?Join us at our next meeting on

Tuesday, April 17, at 8 p.m.in the BMC, third floor of the

SCC.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 - Maybe you can’t be a tri-athlete, but you can always be a try-athlete!

Thank You For Reading

Jesse Appell Yael Katzwer Stacy Handler

Dan Tassone (AWOL)Abbie Kagan (AWOL)

Editors

Staff

Contributors Jordan Warsoff You?

Michael Chernin Gordy StillmanAdam GarbaczScott Ogelsby

Paul GaleAudrey Stout Elly KalfusNate Ennis

Aries: March 20 - April 20 - Men can get their eyebrows waxed too. No big deal.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - You say you don’t have control but it’s right there on your key-board.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - Knit a row, purl a row. Repeat 500 times and you’ve got your-self a scarf!

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 - Never trust a swivel chair that turns counter-clockwise.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 - Your “come hither” look could use some practice. You’ll know when you get it right. Try put-ting your eyebrows into it.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 - As Tax Day approaches, be prepared. Remember, the best way to keep the IRS away is to pay your taxes and/or sacrifice your firstborn to them.

Libra: September 24 - Octo-ber 23 - All hail QWERTY! All hail QWERTY! All hail QWER-TY!

Scorpio: October 24 - Novem-ber 22 - How is it that Barney and his sister Baby Bop were the sole survivors of the total annihilation of the dinosaurs? Conspiracy?

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 - Remember, it’s not slutty if everyone is doing it.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 - Congratulations! From now on you will be able to tell the future, but you will only be able to see when your shoe-laces will become undone.

Aquarius: January 20 - Feb-ruary 18 - Surprise parties would be way more surprising if they did not take place on our birthday, just saying.

“Infallibility.”-The Pope

Pro:

This measure is clearly within the constitutional power of Congress. As a society, we have a vested interest in a literate, informed citizenry. Everyone has a right to up-to-date reading material. Without this law, medical practitioners and the fashion-police state media will continue to subject their patients to the same glossy, dog-eared pages that have been sitting in their waiting rooms for de-cades. Most of the free perfume samples don’t even work anymore! A little dignity please. What does it say about our health care system when pa-tients are trapped for hours on end in a little win-dowless room and are then told to pee in a cup? It’s practically waterboarding. Where is the per-sonal agency? Where is the liberty? The least we can give them is a little light, up-to-date reading material. I mean, without this measure, women will be walking around thinking that their outfits are “trendy” when they are actually from like five seasons ago. My wife thinks that gladiator san-dals are still in style and I don’t have the heart to tell her that they’re not. But they’re not.

Sincerely,Robert McCrandall

Con:

Like any good American, I firmly believe that ev-eryone should be responsible for their own read-ing material, assuming, of course, that it meets the moral standards of the Jefferson County School Board. Ultimately, what individuals choose to read is not an issue for the public sphere but can be solved through the free market. Let the Kindle and the Nook fight it out and leave me the hell out of it. I mean, how do you even turn on the damn thing? Oh—I see—you press the big button in the center … and oh, look at that, all of my books are on this cute little shelf. That’s actually kind of cool. But I digress. It is not for the government to decide how doctors conduct themselves in their place of business because their medical degrees and that whosie-whatsit oath give them license to set up their waiting rooms anyway they choose. Wasn’t that what Roe v. Wade was all about? Be-sides, magazine subscriptions are a waste of our health care dollars because they cut into the lol-lipop and novelty band-aid budget. I don’t need some magazine to tell me how to raise my chil-dren or what color palette works best with my complexion. That’s what my staff is for.

Sincerely,Allison Alterman

NEWS- PAGE 3

Prospective’s Perspective:March 30, 2012 - 10:32 p.m.It’s almost time! In just a few hours, I’ll be headed to Brandeis University, a very promising New England college to which I have been accepted, to experience a day in the life of a regular old college student! I’ve contacted my host and he says that he is a midyear, which I assume means we’re pretty much the same age. He says that he lives in a village, which is awesome. I heard that Brandeis had a castle, but it has a village too? It’s like a medieval playground! I can barely sleep I’m so excited!

March 31, 2012 - 8:30 a.m.Finally at Brandeis! I’m a few hours early, but better early than never, right? I keep calling my host, but he’s not answering. Probably in class. That ol’ busy bee! I’ll bet he’s working hard! I can’t wait to meet him and learn his discipline!

March 31, 2012 - 10:49 a.m.Still no word from my host. But it’s OK, I like wandering around the campus! I’ve got my sleeping bag, my pillow, my laptop, my backpack, my homework (from LAME high school!), my photo albums that I’m going to show my host and a map of Boston in case I get lost. I should’ve brought some snacks though. I was so excited that I forgot to eat breakfast! Oops! No matter though, my host has probably got TONS of snacks, as I hear most college students have the munchies.

March 31, 2012 - noonNot quite sure where my host went …That’s OK! I’m sure he’ll be back soon. He gave me his number to contact him, but it keeps going straight to voicemail. I’m also not sure where the dining halls are. I haven’t had anything to eat yet. They said that all you needed was WhoCash, but I’m not sure what that is or how to get it. Does Brandeis have its own currency or some-thing? But you know what? They’re probably just teaching me to be independent, like a real college student is, right?

April 1, 2012 - 8 a.m.Good morning! I feel so well-rested! Unfortunately, I dropped my phone in that public water hole in Massell quad, so I haven’t been able to contact my host. Luckily, I still had my sleeping bag so I camped out on the “great lawn.” I figured someone’s bound to find me! They sure don’t joke about those New Eng-land winters. I tried to wake up earlier but a layer of frost en-crusted me to the ground. Oh well! That means more sleep! I’m getting so much more sleep than in LAME high school! And more time sleeping means less time hungry!

April 1, 2012 - 11 a.m.Good news! My host finally found me! APRIL FOOL’S!!! Nah, but I really don’t know where he is. I’m sure he’s just joshing me. That’s what college kids do. It’s all in good fun, right? I think this is what they call hazing. But man, I should really be getting some dinner soon. They say there’s an Einsteins burg-ers in Shapiro, but all I see is a big empty lounge with some vending machines. Weird. If only I had some cash on me … Guess I’m broke … just like a real college student!

April 2, 2012 - 4:58 p.m.I think it’s Monday? I’m not sure if I’m supposed to stay this long, but hey, the more college experience the better! I was so disoriented from hunger that I fell off a ledge by the castle and broke my watch, so I’m not quite so sure what time it is. I also now hear a wheezing sound whenever I breathe in. I guess Brandeis really took my breath away! Haha! But really, I really should not move too fast or suddenly, or else I’ll start coughing up a lung. And still no sign of that Ruboloff dining hall! I’ve been looking everywhere for it, but it seems to have eluded me! Maybe it’s because I’m having trouble seeing now. I feel so weak …

April 3, 2012 - 4:58 p.m.I hope this wasn’t too terrible of an idea … I wanted to get a better look at campus, so I thought I’d climb that big brick tower they have by the castle. That’s what the rungs are for, right? Anyways, I’m here at the top, but I can’t really see much because of all this smoke. I hope everyone in the tower is all right! Should I call the police? This smoke is really irritating my lungs too. I shhhhhjdschkinbam Did I just fall off that tow-er? I can’t really feel anything at the moment. And how the hell have I kept my laptop on me this whole time? I’ve lost es-sentially everything else I brought here, including my dignity! Does this mean I’m ready for college?

April 4, 2012 - 12:28 p.m.Well, I’m finally back home. And by home, I mean the hospital. I’m not really sure how I got here, but since I’ve kept my jour-nal active, maybe I can retrace my steps. No? I don’t remember typing that last one. Come to think of it, I still don’t think I’ve eaten in a while. But all in all, I’m happy with my experience at Brandeis! I didn’t get to meet anyone, but that means I experi-enced it all for myself and I can have an unbiased opinion. And I’ve officially slept outdoors during a New England winter, so I should be prepared for anything! And that means that actual housing will be so much better! All I have to say is thank you Brandeis! This visit has helped me make my college decision! I’m going to Williams!

We Got Your Cover Letter CoveredSince most Brandeis students now find themselves in dire need of an internship and/or job, The Blowfish has provided the following template to help these poor, lost, otherwise-unhirable souls:

Dear _______________ (Sir/Madam/Made-Up Pronoun)

I would like to present myself as a candidate for _______________ (pretentious job). I heard about the position through a posting on _____________ (sketchy website). I believe that the position would be a _______________ (ingratiating adjective) opportunity for me to pursue my interests in ______________ (irregular activity that makes you unique), _____________ (normal activity that you do in a non-normal way) and _____________ (first activity repeated again in order to maintain rule of threes).

Throughout my time at _______________ University (school ranked higher than Brandeis), I have been involved in _______________ (made-up social justice club), which has giv-en me the skills necessary to be a _______________ (similar ingratiating adjective) as-set to your organization. As _____________(important position) in ______________ (ob-scure club), I have developed important leadership skills. I learned how to work well with ____________ (popular minority group), delegate _____________ (meaningless noun) and ____________ (meaningless item added to maintain rule of threes).

I interned with __________________ (lowly non-profit/government agency with fancy title) last semester, and they told me that I had great ____________ (basic skill everyone possesses). I am also fluent in ____________ (extremely obscure foreign language no one will ever test you in), which came in handy.

I am extremely interested in this position given my passion for __________ (do-good-er cause) and ____________ (normal administrative task). Given my ______________ (self-aggrandized skill), _____________ (self-aggrandized skill), and ________________ (synonym for other skill to continue rule of threes), I believe I am a strong candidate for ________________ (pretentious position).

Thank you ___________ (superfluous modifier) much for your time and consideration.

_____________(Magnanimous closer),_____________(Name of someone more qualified)

Blofiles in CourageFranklin Marlon ’12 has overcome a lot of orthopedic ob-stacles in his life, most of which stem from his chronic flat-footedness. His parents first became aware of his foot issues

when he learned to walk at the age of one, a normal point in the developmental process. They shrugged it off as a normal side-effect of being a wobbly-ass toddler. A few years later, while wearing sandals and playing nicely with the little Smith girl down the street, his parents couldn’t help but notice that his feet did not have the same graceful arch as his companion. The Marlons were told that the flat-footedness was most likely a result of their terrible genetics. Marlon has been forced to deal with a number of setbacks resulting from his condition, namely dating. Marlon revealed to the Blowfish, “I asked out this really pretty girl. She took one look at my feet and shook her head. All she said was, ‘I feel like you wouldn’t be able to give me the kind of support I need.’” Doctors say his foot can be represented on a bilateral cross-section, using an index of five standard deviations from the average arch width. “What could I do? How could anyone ever love me with my poor support system.” Everywhere Marlon goes, he remains in the shadow of his handicap. Marlon recounted a horrifying experience while studying abroad. What should have been an enlightening experience in a country known for its cheese and tendency to surrender was instead a foot-related nightmare. During his junior year in France, a simple visit to the Arc de Triomphe reminded him of his less than triumphant arch. “It was horrible! I started shouting at the tour guide in broken French. I had just started French two years ago, so at the time I only knew four foot-related curses. I had to re-use a few of them.” In his darkest hour, a Jewish Marlon recalled turning to the church for support. “I prayed to the archangel of arch angles, but nothing happened. So then I drank a lot of alcohol. That also didn’t help.” After years of interpersonal therapy, though, Marlon says he is ready to re-enter the social scene. “I know it will be tough and it’s going to take a lot of work. I’ve been rejected so many times now, I don’t really have anything left to lose. Flat-footedness will no longer be my arch enemy! To hell with my insecurities. I’m going to be an archaeology major!”

“You really have to rub it in, don’t you?”

Flat-footed student overcomes orthopedic obstaclesBY SYLVIA GRALL

Salt Shaker

PAGE 4- P.S.

Friar’s Foolery

Hast thou ever desired knowledge of the origins of the April Day of Fools? The infa-mous day of trickery! Whence friars would

crawl down from their hilltop monasteries and reign tomfoolery upon those unfortunate enough to have not paid their tithe to the Holy Roman Church! ’Tis com-mon legend that the friars are a pious and humble folk, but alack! With what vigor they defy their nature and become jesters of ter-ror! It did begin one April, when all men’s souls were at rest. Be-fore the morning cock did make his call, a dozen friars totaling descended upon the village of the seemingly innocent. And when the peoples did awake from their slumber of ignorance, oh, how their town hath changed! Burn’d livestock did litter the ground! Shyte-holes, previously covered, were unearthed—releasing odors the likes of which Mephistoph-eles himself could not endure! The tops of their homes were removed and, due to their poor construction, three good blows of the mouth did expose them to the ele-ments! And if these atrocities were not enough, the Brotherhood did seize the town’s youth, ere their parents could act in opposition, placed them

upon the next ship to Persia for indefinite servitude. And what good hu-mour did the monks possess! For it was all in the spirit of jest. Throughout the month of April, the friars would make amends to all of

the peasants. The foolery of the first of April was all but a test to determine who was pure of heart and deserved eternal salvation. Whenever the serfs would cry in revolt, the monks reminded: “’Twas the decree of Pope In-nocent X that brought this pes-tilence upon ye!” Alas, how the peasants were played like the strings of a lute. They were igno-rant of conspiracy! ’Twas not until the Papal Con-clave of 1665 that it was un-earthed that the friars did act of their own accord! Six feet of earth did separate Pope Inno-cent X from his pontifical office! Thus, using the logic of Richard Ferrybridge, ’twas impossible that His Holiness did make de-crees from beyond the grave! In the subsequent years during the Reformation period, the April Day of Fools lost its ties to the Holy Church.

In the contemporary age, it is but common knaves that continue such practices of trickery that the monks of yore first began! Alack! How the times hath changed!

Upon seeing this image, Martin Luther was inspired to write the 95 Theses.

Medieval origins of April Fools Day

Across1. Jerk2. Hokkaido native3. Weather-related4. Can North and South Korea one day be ___ brothers?5. Fleabag6. Edible tubers7. Muscular power8. State familiar to the Virgin Mary9. Spanky, Alfalfa and gang10. Asian nannies11. Frappes12. Its motto is “Industry”13. Pitching style14. Two-seater15. Part of the small intestine16. Varnish resin17. He shared the 1933 Physics Nobel with Schrödinger18. Islet27. Quartz

28. Family diagram33. Current Hebrew month34. Tater35. Allocate, with “out”36. Acid related to gout38. Clue weapon39. Half a matched set40. Parenthetically (3 wds.)42. Desert sight43. Small lizard44. Rice dish: Var.45. Flared dress46. Bucks49. Large quantity51. Sitar accompaniment54. Very, in music55. Easily ripped off56. Thai money57. Cow, maybe58. Invalidate59. Scalawag62. Opposite of avant63. Sweet liqueur64. Come of age65. Of birth66. Let fall67. Sailor68. Like freshly-minted dollar bills73. Tap problems

74. Falling flakes75. Actress Sharon76. Pepsi rival77. Columnists’ page (hyph.)78. Embargoes81. Walked unsteadily83. Things within view86. African flies87. Tinier88. Anti-U.S.S.R. weapon89. Straights90. Bypass91. Spine line94. Demolished, in Derby95. Bring out96. Library microfilm97. Like most people98. Not as good100. Student getting one-on-one help103. Creole vegetable104. Spelling of “Beverly Hills 90210”105. Crones106. Jupiter’s Greek counterpart107. Euros replaced them108. Charlotte-to-Raleigh dir.

Down1. Pouches5. Campus military org.9. Branch of biology14. Headed for overtime18. Pablo Neruda’s land19. Advil target20. Valuable violin21. “___ want for Christmas ...” (2 wds.)22. Prenatal test, for short23. Old Chinese money24. Type of bar25. At no time, poeti-cally26. Instructions Part I29. Russian assembly30. Banned fruit spray31. Chutzpah32. In need of iron34. “Adult” literature37. One of the Ninja Turtles40. Hat edge41. Antiques from im-portant eras (2 wds.)43. Fitness centers44. Faux ___47. Ally of Carthage48. Be nosy49. Filming site50. Inclined52. End of the yr.53. Fills56. Drunken orgy feast

59. Get up60. Rouse61. Big ___ Theory62. Instructions Part II69. Bluenose70. Biblical landing place of Noah’s Ark71. Emanation72. Those who reject74. Needles76. Corn holder79. Arab leader80. Protestant denom.81. Innocence Proj. evidence82. Not “Shop B”84. One of a D.C. 10085. “___ never happen!”87. Gently persuasive (hyph.)91. Church part92. Wednesdayish93. 1990 World Series champs94. Decline97. Prize99. South American monkey101. Mine entrance102. Instructions Part III109. Quite110. Bagpipe sound111. Big laugh112. Auto wheel adjustment (hyph.)113. Repeat114. Clear, as a disk115. Therefore, to Descartes116. Accustom117. 46 Across118. More rational119. Ph.D.’s work: Abbr.120. To be, to Caesar

Happy April Fools Day!Are you still reeling from the ef-fects of your topsy-turvy day of mischief? Do this and be more confused!

BY MARCEL HAZLETTPossum Wrangler

Solutions to “Famous presidents & their tools”

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