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Title

CMHA Waterloo Wellington Dufferin

• Presentation

• April 3, 2013

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CMHA Waterloo Wellington Dufferin

Ambiguous Loss:Supporting families with missing loved ones

Presented by: Maureen TraskApril 22nd / 2015

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Agenda

Welcome and Introductions The Unique Needs of those experiencing

Ambiguous Loss Gaps in the System Possible Solutions Considerations and Contributions Next Steps

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3 Missing since Nov. 3, 2011

Daniel Trask

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The Journey To Date…• Bringing Families Together

Music for the Missing, Dec. 2011

• Calling on Grief and Loss Experts Bereaved Families of Ontario (BFO), Nov. 2012 Bereavement Ontario Network (BON), Jan. 2013 BON Conf, Ambiguous Loss presentation, Oct. 2013 BFO Breakfast Networking Group, Oct. 2013 Community Counselling Agencies, Sept. 2013

• Offering 8 Month Support Group Cardinal Counselling, Nov. 13, 2012 – June 11, 2013

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Journey cont’d.

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Let’s hear from Dr. Pauline Boss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2vYyefAgZ0

Dr. Pauline Boss and Dr. Gloria Horsley

discuss Ambiguous Loss at the annual

ADEC (Association of Death Education

and Counseling) conference, 2011.

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Understanding a Different Kind of Loss

“There… but not there”

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2 Types

• Type 1: Physically absent but psychologically present

• Type 2: Physically present but psychologically absent

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Culturally recognised behaviour

• We offer support• Gifts • Sanctioned time off • Understanding if they aren’t

themselves.

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The struggles associated with Ambiguous Loss

• The loss is hidden from others

• A loss that lacks social acknowledgement or ritual, has no closure, is denied the normal means of coping and grieving

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Cultural and gender issues

Different generations, different genders will vary in how they interpret unclear loss

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The Result?

Stressful, tormenting, confusing, uncontrollable, indeterminate, exhausting,

guilty, conflicting

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Effects of all these emotions…

• Emotional rollercoaster• Changes families, relationships, roles and

identity • Can change spiritual beliefs • Tend to withdraw / isolate one’s self

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Type 1 – A Missing Person There is no verification of death.

There is no certainty that the person will come back or return the way they used to be.

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Why does it matter?

Freezes the grief process Paralyzes couple and family functioning Prevents closure Families can’t name it Families need support

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Learning to minimise the effects:

1. Find Meaning (look at values, beliefs, traditions)

2. Accept Uncertainty (make 2 opposing ideas into 1)

3. Reconstruct Identity (forced to change roles)

4. Normalize Ambivalence (as the new norm)

5. Revisit Attachment (celebrate the missing and mourn the changes)

6. Discover Hope (look at strengths, making it with the pain)

 

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Managing the contradictions: Take two opposing ideas (both – and);

make into one

• I am both sad - and still happy• I am both alone - and still connected• I am both powerless - and still empowered• I am both frozen - and still transforming• I am both doubtful - and still hopeful• I am both burdened - and still grateful• Daniel is both gone - and still here

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Key Points Traumatic Loss (Boss, 2009)

Externally Caused (Boss, 2009)

Unclear Loss (Boss, 1999)

Senseless Loss (Boss, 2009)

Lacks Closure Frozen Grief/being Stuck in Limbo (Boss, 1999)

An Individual Journey

Boss, P. (2009). The trauma and complicated grief of ambiguous loss. Pastoral Psych, 59(2), 137-145. Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge, MA. Harvard University Press

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Resources:Supporting those who are left behind

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APF Framework:5 themes when working with families of

missing persons:• Reanimation: move past “frozen”• A celebration so far: respond to loss• The trauma timeline: explore the impact• A protected place: safe place of pain• Opportunities for growth: living with loss

© Commonwealth of Australia 2014 AFP Australian Federal Police, National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, Project Officer Sarah Wayland

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1. Re-animation

Moving past “frozen” • Help families with their

sense of being frozen to the time of their loved one's disappearance

• Assist families to move from their sense of feeling ‘stuck‘.

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2. A celebration so far

Respond to the loss: Acknowledge and honour the family's relationship

with the missing person Help families to find

ways to respond to the current loss of their loved one.

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3. The Trauma Timeline

Explore the impact: …of the disappearance, as well as the accumulated traumas, families may have faced prior to their loved one going missing.

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The Trauma Timeline – cont’d

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4. A protected place

Safe place of pain: Co-construct a space where families can

acknowledge the pain of not knowing while still finding ways to live life.

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5. Opportunities for growth

Living with ambiguous loss:• Explore ways in which families can live with

their loss, rather than being consumed by it

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Services /Support:Support looks different to everyone

“Someone to really listen…”“Being present…”“Just being there …”…were by far the most popular ways to support someone

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What not to say …

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Living and Learning on my Ambiguous Loss journey

“Loss of a missing loved one is often a lonely and an untrodden path for each of us who has to walk it.” *

Can I learn to live withthis loss?

How do I get closure?

How do I get support?

*Living in Limbo: Five Years On, Missing People UK, 2013

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Humour - Balance

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Resources Dr. Pauline Boss www.ambiguousloss.com

Australian Federal Police (AFP) National Counselling Framework www.missingpersons.gov.au/education--training/working-with-families/supporting-those-who-are-left-behind.aspx

Full Version AFP Support Workbook www.missingpersons.gov.au/~/media/MP/Files/PDFs/Supporting%20those%20who%20are%20left%20behind.ashx

www.afp.gov.au/~/media/afp/pdf/2/24-25-new-national-counselling-framework.ashx

Presentation and Reference Materials

Networking with Police and Agencies

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Thank You!• Support for Us – Families with

Missing Loved Ones (FB page)• Maureen Trask: trasker @rogers.com