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“If Only My Partner Would _________, Then My Relationship Would Be Better.”

How to Stop Trying to Change Your Partner or Wish They Were Different, And Instead Love & Accept Them as They Are

An e-‐book By Jayson Gaddis

Copyright 2014 ©

If Only My Partner Would _____________, Then My Relationship Would Be Better 2

Table of Contents

SECTION 1: 4

SECTION 2: THE 4 BIG REASONS WHY YOU DO THIS 10

SECTION 3: THE WAY OUT OF THIS HARMFUL DYNAMIC 18


Many people hold a belief that if only my partner would _______________, then our relationship would be better.

If you are normal, you probably also have this belief at least some of the time.

Here are some common phrases I hear people say all the time:

• If partner would just listen to me, then our relationship would be better.

• If my spouse would stop criticizing me, our relationship would improve.

• If my girlfriend would workout more, then I’d feel more attracted to her.

• If my boyfriend would just come to therapy with me, we could work this out.

• If my fiancé would stop talking to her mom so much, the wedding planning would be going so much smoother.

• If my husband would just understand, get, and appreciate that I do just as much work as him, we’d be fighting a lot less

• If my wife would for once, appreciate how hard I’m working for “us,” and the kids, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

• If he hadn’t cheated on me, we’d be in a much better place.

These are all some form of “if only my partner would _______________, then our relationship would be better.”

This is one of the most common relationship dynamics I see. And, not getting a handle on this can destroy any well-‐intended relationship or marriage.

I’ll start with myself as an example, then discuss a few case studies of normal, everyday folks struggling with this issue, before moving on to the cost on their relationship. I’ll end with how to get empowered so that you can feel way more inspired, loved, and loving in your relationship. Let’s get started.


SECTION 1: A case study

In my experience trying to change your partner or hoping they come with you on the ride you want to go on, is one of the top three relationship issues out there that kills intimacy and destroys the very thing you want. In fact, I think every single person I’ve ever worked with has been challenged with this to some degree. Because to be human is to have this issue.

So, remember, you are normal here. There’s nothing wrong with you if you want to change your partner.

There is however, something you are blind to that you don’t get about this dynamic. My job is to help you see clearly here and then act accordingly in a way that serves you both.

For example, years ago when I was dating around, once the honeymoon phase was over, I tried to change every woman I ever dated.

“Hmmm, If she only __________.”

She’s so awesome, but her _______________.”

Then I met my wife, who I still tried to change. Since she wouldn’t change I broke up with her, twice.

With the help of a seasoned relationship therapist and a super honest, but harsh letter from my wife (we were broken up at the time), my game was reflected back to me very clearly.

It hurt to see and feel.

I saw how I wasn’t willing to practice real, deep love. It was too scary, too much, too confronting. Rather than face my fear, I was making her wrong claiming, “if only she would ________, then I’d be willing to drop in to deeper love and deeper commitment.”

This is a very common pattern for men.

Women often respond to this with more insecurity, and might even try to abandon themselves and change for their guy (which leads to long term resentment).

Fortunately for me, my wife held her ground and just kept being herself.


Or, another way this shows up, is an empowered woman who is willing to grow and transform, finds herself in a relationship with a guy resistant to change and growth. She then tries to drag him into therapy or a personal growth workshop, only to amplify his resistance. He then ends up feeling judged and insecure and digs his heels in even more. If he finally does acquiesce to her demands and changes “for her” he will most likely resent her for a long time. The change is unlikely to stick.

In all three cases including mine, the message is the same.

The basic message given is, “I don’t accept you as you are.” And, “I would love you more if…”.

The basic message received is, “I’m not accepted and loved for who I am.” “In order for him/her to love me, I have to change for them and be who they want me to be.”

Ouch. A lot of us grew up with some message like this and thus it repeats itself as adults.

While it can be helpful to inspire our lovers to be their greatest selves, it is different when your wanting to change them is coming from fear, resentment, or your own unwillingness to accept them as they are, or your unwillingness to leave them and find someone who IS willing to grow and change.

Can a relationship really last if one partner is growing and the other isn’t?

I see this play out in my office every day.

One person, for whatever reason, finds themselves in my office wanting a different relationship, or they really want to change their intimate relationship in some fundamental way. They have chosen to get help because they believe they can have a different outcome that feels better to them.

This is a bold moment in a person’s life, perhaps one of the most inspiring for me to witness.

Sometimes, their partner chooses not to come in and are at home or work, not on the same page, nor are they interested in getting help, support or guidance on the relationship. Nor do they want to pay someone to help them in other areas of their life. They have a different style and a different approach.

At some point in my conversation with the person who comes in to see me, they bring up the fact that their partner didn’t want to join them in “the work.”


Bill’s Story

Bill wants his life to be different. Specifically he’s in a lot of pain around his relationship. Bill wants to feel closer to Sue, his wife, and wants to deepen his sex life with her. So, after years and years of avoiding his issues, Bill finally comes in for help to tackle this, alone.

Turns out his marriage is pretty cold and dead. He and Sue have two kids, ages six and eight, and haven’t had sex in years. They have different wants and needs and are missing each other like strangers in the night.

However, Sue won’t come in, nor will she do any work on herself. According to Bill, Sue thinks things are fine the way they are. But Bill is unsatisfied.

Innocently enough, he tries to convince Sue to join him in mixing things up and improving their marriage. But he is met with resistance and push back. Hmmm.

As we explore deeper, it turns out Bill feels sad, angry, alone, rejected, and abandoned in his marriage. The wife apparently feels like things were fine before Bill started to get curious and wanted something different.

Clearly change is threatening Sue and the more Bill pushes, the more she digs her heels in.

So, the question is:

“will this relationship work and what in the hell can Bill do about this frustrating dynamic?”

As my client Bill so brilliantly put it, “it’s like we are going on a walk and she is just sitting there on a rock, refusing to move, and I’m eager to get going to a new destination together.” He added, “if she doesn’t come with me, we’ll end up going in circles around the rock and I’m not up for that.” At this point, Bill’s frustration is growing. He’s conflicted inside. Part of him wants to just get on with it and start his own adventure, with or without Sue. Another part of him loves Sue and doesn’t want to just leave her sitting there, especially since Sue loves Bill and they have 2 young kids together.

This is a common quandary. Bill is eager to find out what’s up ahead with the path forward. He is ready and motivated to improve things. Sue is unmotivated to change and, for whatever reason, is choosing to stay stuck where she is. While she says she’s supportive of Bill


and, when pressed, claims she is open to working on things, her actions speak louder than words. Underneath it all, Sue does not want change and she doesn’t want Bill to change.

While working with them, I wrote a blog post about them, and posted this question on facebook, “Can this relationship work long-term where one partner simply won’t walk the talk?

I received many great responses. One person said:

“I just ended a ten year version of this. We both started out on a personal consciousness path, and I ended up staying on it. For the last 4-5 years, I continued on my path, but it felt like an uphill struggle to be so deeply attached to someone who wasn’t. It took me five years to understand how deeply unhealthy this was for me. It felt so heavy, pulling someone else along that wasn’t doing the legwork–even though they claimed to be. (I think he was, just on a much much smaller scale, and with much much less time and energy dedicated to it.) It is a very sad thing. I think this *could* work, but my question is…is it possible for it to be *healthy*..? I think the answer just may be “no.” it creates all kinds of codependency.”

This person’s comment is very telling on both sides. Granted we haven’t heard from this person’s partner directly, but if we did, what we often hear is predictable. Her guy might say something like this:

“I don’t feel accepted. I feel judged. I feel like she doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t see that I am changing and I’m open to work on it. Hell, I work on it all day long. It seems like all we do is talk about it which then turns into a fight.”

Or

“I don’t know why she wants us to change. I think we have a perfectly good marriage. Things are fine.”

Or

Silence. He shuts down and won’t budge.

This man is like Sue.

The common thread in these examples is this: when I really interview a person like Sue, they do indeed feel judged, unaccepted, and not loved as they are. This often triggers their sense of “I’m not doing enough,” or “I feel like I’m not enough” “I’m not good enough.” “I’m not doing it right.” In this case, when I interviewed Sue, turns out she grew up with a father who treated her well, but always had a critical eye on her.


He appeared to be disappointed in her when she couldn’t do something quickly, correctly, or efficiently. For Sue, her Dad’s parenting style with her triggered the exact same feelings of “not good enough” in her.

Now as an adult, Sue has attracted into her life a partner with the same style of criticism and judgment-‐-‐-‐someone who says things like “Sue, if you did X, Y, or Z for me (Bill), things would be much better.” It’s the same message she received as a young girl. Interesting, right?

But why would Sue attract another version of her parents into her life?

Because life is cruel?

No

Because life is accurate.

Sue unconsciously “attracted” this type of dynamic into her marriage, so she could grow and heal the “I’m not good enough or loveable as I am”

wound inside of her.

When Sue gets this, she will have a huge breakthrough and be able to change her life. But since Sue doesn’t feel inspired to grow, it will be Bill that gets this and eventually moves on. Most likely Sue will continue to repeat this pattern in her life until she’s in enough pain to close this loop and repair the original wound with her dad.

It would help Sue if she were able to see that she is co-‐creating this dynamic. She’s in her own shit and is blaming Bill for feeling judged, criticized and not loved. But remember, these feelings of Sue’s came on-‐line long before she met Bill.

And what about Bill? Isn’t he also unconsciously bringing something to the table on his side? Yes. Bill has found himself a mate that is unconsciously afraid and doesn’t want to “join” him in growth. Why is that? Because Bill grew up with a mom who felt judged and afraid in her childhood. Bill’s mom then found herself a mate (Bill’s dad) who operated from his conceptual mind and who was cut off from his heart feelings. Bill’s dad was a very bright problem solver and approached life this way. So, when things got challenging in their marriage, Bill’s dad would “try to figure it out” intellectually and then judge Bill’s mom as too emotional and dramatic. Bill’s dad was also emotionally shut down and his mom felt afraid, judged and not accepted by her husband. As a result, when Bill was a child, neither of his parents was very emotionally available. Yet whenever he felt emotional as a boy, he “pursued” his mom for love, nurturing, and attention. But this triggered her disowned emotions


and neediness, so she unconsciously rejected Bill, turning away from him every time. Bill’s dad also didn’t have room for Bill’s sensitivity so Bill tucked it away. Thus, any attempt Bill makes to “change” Sue, results in a mini rejection or abandonment. Bill starts to feel more and more alone, like he did as a boy. Most people in Bill’s shoes would rather keep focusing on changing their partner, than feeling their abandonment feelings, so they keep trying to get the love they never got. And, “trying” is a value of his, so he keeps looping in “trying” a number of ways to get Sue to love him. But in reality, he’s just doing what he did as a boy—trying to get mom to love him.

Yikes!

This is a very common dynamic that happens over and over in relationships.

Truth be known, we are all unconsciously trying to work out our childhood wounds with our current partner.

The more we get this, the more traction we get and the less we take our wounds seriously, and the better our relationships become. The more “fused” we are to our wounds, the more “bought in” we are with our story that “if only they did X, Y, Z, all would be well.”

So, what now? Should Bill leave his partner? Can they have a livable marriage if Sue stays on the sidewalk unwilling to budge, while Bill patiently tries to change her? Will Bill simultaneously abandon himself and his own inner work as he longs for more?


SECTION 2: The 4 big reasons

why you do this To answer this question, we need to dive deeper into why this dynamic occurs and where it starts, then we can help Bill (or you) have a huge breakthrough. Let’s explore these all too common roots of this “changing others” dynamic and its hurtful consequences. In doing so, I’m certain you’ll feel more knowledgeable and clear about a course of action for your situation. On the surface, this “wanting to change someone” issue arises when two people’s inner and outer maps of how to do life clash. In other words this dynamic happens when:

1. You use outdated, and ineffective, communication tools you learned in your childhood.

2. You don’t trust yourself, your partner and how they do it, and you don’t trust Life.

3. You traded your authentic Self, for the version of you that wants to avoid getting hurt and abandoned.

4. Because you want your partner to do life and relationships like you. 5. Because your partner wants you to life and relationships like they do.

1. Rusty Tools

In adult relationships, we rely on outdated, and ineffective, communication tools we learned in our childhood.

If we are going to really go after the love we want in relationship, we need to see that the tools will currently have our limited. Nearly everyone has outdated, and ineffective, communication tools. Why? Because we didn’t learn this as children. There was no “relationship” class. There was no class on how to do conflict with someone you love. There was no class on how to


stop blaming others and take responsibility. There was no class on the deep art of intimacy. Right? So, when we are not willing or able to learn new, highly effective tools in our marriage, we use the old default ones that keep us looping in the relationship results we currently have. This is the first layer we need to address if we want a better relationship life. In my other programs, I discuss a vast number of practical, easy to implement tools. For now, just know and understand, that new tools are key for a new outcome. Upgrading our tool kit is essential. But most people find that it’s not enough to create new lasting relationship habits that stick. So, we need to go deeper. We need to explore the roots of our behavior even further. What are the roots of this whole “change our partner” dynamic? Where does it start and how did we humans start acting this way?

2. Mistrust

In my experience most adults have a core orientation of mistrust in life.

Trust is a foundational to the daily grind of relationship. The degree to which we trust life, is the degree to which we trust others. The degree to which we trust others is the degree to which we trust ourselves. So we don’t accept other people as they are and we don’t accept life as it is. This started, of course, very early in our lives, perhaps even in utero. It all depends on who’s transmitting to me “how” life works. Most human beings don’t trust that what the universe is bringing to them is for their best interest and is arising here, now, to help them. Thus, they live a life of reaction and comfort-‐seeking. Most people are very far from trusting life or trusting that what they had to go through in life is trustworthy. Think about it, can you really trust that whatever you went through in your childhood actually served you and is still serving you now? For example, while I was growing up I was loved and held in all the normal ways most privileged, Western kids are. However, my parents were weak in the area of emotional and relational literacy. So the one thing missing was an emotional heart connection. My mom and dad struggled to “be there” on a heart level so they could not meet that intrinsic need of mine. They grew up in families were this was absent, so how could they give what they didn’t get?


In grad school when I finally started learning this stuff, I was pissed. I was angry at them and asked them to change. But changing them was impossible. You can’t ask a dog to stop barking until you train it to. A dog barking is natural and normal. But if you want the neighbors to accept you and embrace you, you train your dog to not bark. So, the more I tried to change them, the less they felt loved and the more they felt judged. The rift between us grew until I saw what I was doing and how little I was trusting what I went through. Needless to say, we had a hard few years. So, be honest and really ask yourself this important question:

To what degree am I truly trusting my life? To what degree do I trust myself? To

what degree do I really trust my partner?

3. Self-Betrayal in Exchange For Relationship

But how and where did this mistrust stuff get set up?

You traded the authentic you, for the version of you that wants to avoid getting hurt and abandoned.

When and why did we stop trusting? This is the core human relationship issue we all have. The core of it is this: When we are babies, we have two fundamental needs. 1) The need for human connection/attachment. Connection and love are food for the infant and, 2) The need to be authentic and self-‐expressed. These two needs are everything to the fledgling infant. And, if you grew up in a normal family, your parents were not able to meet those needs 100% of the time. For example, imagine you are a little infant. Imagine you are hungry and alone in your crib. You have a need—hunger. You can’t feed yourself so you start to fuss. Your parents don’t come right away as they are in the other room and can’t hear you. Your hunger is upsetting so you eventually cry. Your mom is in the other room, overwhelmed and stressed. She was hoping for a longer break. Dad is gone, as usual, at work. Your need is going unmet so you cry a bit louder. Your mom, now frustrated and very irritated, comes marching in. In an ideal situation, your parent hears you, picks you up with a gentle, loving voice, validates your feelings, and then you drink milk, calm down, and feel safe again.


Instead your mom gets mad as she comes in and shames you by saying, “If you don’t stop crying, I will _________ (enter some hurtful behavior). You continue to cry (a symptom of your hunger need) as Mom leaves the room, shutting the door behind her, without feeding you. You cry louder and louder now. You get angry and scared. If mom doesn’t come back anytime soon, you shut down. You cannot sustain that level of upset and it’s not helping, so you learn to suck your thumb, bite the sheet, or your lip and you get quiet. But you are still hungry. What happens here? You got the message to not be needy in that way. As a baby you shut down that part of your experience and feel shame for feeling hungry and you feel shame for feeling upset. Any normal baby doesn’t like shame, so you course corrected and the next time you have a genuine need, like hunger, and you want to try to get milk, you keep quiet instead because you don’t want to feel shamed or shame. It’s very scary for such a little baby like you to experience this. You want and need food, but you also want and need love. Whatever gets you connection and love (reward) you will repeat. Whatever gets you more painful feelings such as upset, shame, and hurt or a threat of being alone (punishment), you will stop. This is basic human behavior. Reward creates a positive feedback loop, punishment stops or minimizes the behavior. It’s noteworthy here to mention that the research shows we are twice as likely to avoid pain and punishment than we are to move toward getting a reward. So, that means we humans put more attention and energy on behaviors that avoid, than behaviors that reward. For example, we avoid moving toward more love because we are afraid to lose whatever version of love we currently have. Needless to say, this type of experience begins a rift inside of us. We start to split off from our core needs and our core expression. You decided, at whatever level, in whatever capacity, that in order to get and keep love, you need to be the way the grown ups want you to be instead of being yourself. In other words, you traded your authenticity (one core need) for connection (your other core need). This is the root of co-‐dependent behavior that exists in nearly every human being. Another example? Growing up I got the message that playing sports was good, while not playing sports was bad or less good. My dad really liked sports and wanted me to be an athlete. I was a sensitive, emotional boy and wasn’t that interested in sports, but my dad pushed me to go play sports. Eventually I learned that my dad preferred me if I went to soccer, so I went and eventually I excelled. I got love and attention from my dad and others so I kept playing. I was praised and rewarded and so I kept playing, but deep down, I felt like I was there for my dad more than me. So, I can’t remember ever really enjoying it. Yet I didn’t have the courage at that time to be true to myself and quit, so I kept playing, because, more than anything I wanted love. When things got more competitive, I felt more fear and more in touch with how little I wanted to


play. The stakes were higher and I was still playing soccer “for my dad” so eventually I quit. My dad supported me with a look of disappointment. I remember how relieved I felt. But what I really wanted (my dad’s love) I still didn’t feel. More on this later….

What does this have to do with my marriage or my relationship? Let’s say you are “walking on eggshells” around your spouse about some issue in your marriage. You are “walking on eggshells” because you are scared that if you really brought the truth, they would freak out, right? But if you look closer, you are also scared that if they freak out, you’ll have to deal with it. Because YOU don’t want to deal with their freak out, you keep quiet and keep playing your “game.” This is basic self-‐protection, self-‐preservation. Can you begin to see how you are protecting yourself? That’s probably what you did as a kid. It’s normal. And, like almost everyone in a long-‐term relationship, you will abandon your needs and desires in order to keep the connection. Why? One reason: Because you are afraid to lose love. I can guarantee that you are still doing this every day in your relationship. That you have a story that you can’t fully express, or say certain things. You can’t do certain things. You don’t want to “rock the boat.” You don’t want to upset your partner, or make her angry, sad, or hurt, and so you keep quiet, avoid, distance, etc. Why do you do so much managing? Because you don’t want to upset them, which, in turn, upsets you (co-‐dependency discussed in other programs and services). And your big fear underneath it all?

You don’t want to rock the boat so much that the relationship ends and that you are alone. You don’t want to be left, and you certainly don’t want to be

alone. No one does.

Remember, keeping connection is a core human need. We cannot live without it. So, you walk on eggshells in self-‐protection, rather than being your full self. Look at your own life. I’m sure you chose at some point in your relationship to not speak up because you didn’t want to upset your partner or rock the boat, right? We have all done this. So, notice if you are still doing this. Not being your full-‐self


because you are afraid of your partner’s reaction. You don’t trust your partner can handle it. Or more accurately, you don’t trust they can handle YOU.

The solution? Answer this question daily, “How do I be totally true to myself and stay connected to my spouse in a strong, loving way? Ah ha! I can do both? Yes you can, and you must. Otherwise, you feel the slow burn of hurt and anguish by not being a fully expressed, empowered human being. That’s right, believe it or not, both can be done. And this, my friend is the key to a fulfilling, empowered relationship. This is the type of vibrant relationship that we all long for. This level of empowerment changes EVERYTHING. And this type of union is what makes the whole greater than the sum of it’s parts. In other words, you and your partner’s co-‐created power is unstoppable; in business, marriage, parenting, or whatever you two choose to tackle together, no mountain is too high to climb for the empowered couple. This core dynamic will need to be tackled if you want a different marriage. So, be honest. If you are playing soccer and you really don’t want to, speak up. If you are not being the real you in your relationship, you are holding back and you are in some degree of pain. You are robbing your spouse of the real you. You are robbing you of the real you. Bring the REAL you and slowly trust that you, and your partner, can handle it. If you are unclear how to be the real you, read on…

4. I Want You to Be Like Me, Or, You Want Me to Be Like You.

Because you want your partner to do life and relationships like

you, and because your partner wants you to do life and relationships like they do.

When we expect other people to live the way we do, we create a lot of suffering for us and them. You might be thinking, “I don’t expect them to be like me.” But if I spent five minutes with the two of you, I can assure you, that in some small or big area of your lives, one or both of you wishes the other person would do it your way. For example, you want your partner to relate to your current relationship situation like you do, right? If they did, you might both be “on board” with trying to improve things, rather than just you trying to improve things. This is understandable and this


is you wanting them to do it your way. And, this approach never works and only hurts. When you don’t learn how to communicate effectively with your spouse outside of what you learned in childhood and your past relationships, you are ill equipped for the complicated road of long-‐term relationship. And, when you have an agenda about how she should do “it” (it could mean life, marriage, her job, whatever), you sow seeds that give birth to disconnection and alienation. These seeds become the roots of the cancer that slowly bleeds into your marriage. By not accepting her as she is, and by trying to get her to change, she then feels judged, not trusted, and unloved. Then she pulls away and you lose the connection you want. She loses and you lose. I have seen the same thing for years with thousands of clients. The same is true for you. I can guarantee that you are doing this in your relationship on some level. And, I can also guarantee you that if you really commit to changing this one thing for you, your marriage or other relationships will improve. We’ll explore how to change this dynamic below.

So, if you really want to change your relationship for the better (which doesn’t

mean changing your spouse), keep reading.

Check this out. Many of my clients tell me things like:

• I want to be heard and respected • I feel so misunderstood • We just can’t communicate • Every time I share about me, he shuts down • I just want to be free to be myself in the relationship • We both continually feel unheard by the other person • We have trouble communicating and understanding each other • We can’t reconcile our differences • Our life visions are incompatible • I’m scared to tell the truth • I don’t feel supported in my lifestyle • I don’t feel he appreciates me as I am • I don’t think she even knows me deep down • I feel like I can’t bring up the money conversation because it always leads to a

fight • I don’t feel safe or secure opening up to him.

Now let’s pretend for a minute that your spouse doesn’t want to read this, nor do they want to work on it, but that you relate to one or more of the above complaints. While that might be frustrating to not have them “on board,” with you, them not


participating is fine. In fact, it pushes you back on yourself. In fact, every time your spouse doesn’t want to do it your way, is your chance to grow up and get more empowered. Empowerment is a process where one person, you in this case, moves out of a

victim stance and into a place of taking control and ownership of his or her situation.

So, because you are reading this, you are the person to save your relationship, ,prevent a breakup, an affair, or other actions that feel awful. If they don’t want to do anything different, you are the person to take it to the next level. This way, if your relationship tanks, gets worse, or worst-‐case scenario-‐-‐ends, you can honestly look in the mirror and say, “I pulled out all the stops. I did everything I could.” Doing this will help you live guilt free later on, no matter the outcome. And, sometimes “taking it to the next level” means leaving your current relationship. However, this approach is not what you think. Most people hear this and think, “Okay, I’ve got this, it’s up to me.” But then what they do is predictable and unwise. You know what they do? They try everything they can, every technique, every manipulative way, everything in their power, to change their partner. That attitude and method is great if you want to fix a flat tire and you’re the only person around. But there are no flat tires here. Just people, doing their best, perhaps stuck in a pattern, cruising along on auto-‐pilot. And, they are just as worthy of love as you and me. So, trying to “fix” or change them is futile and will only accelerate a failed relationship. I’m going to show you why and how. You know you are falling prey to the seductive approach of trying to change your partner when you:

• Ask your spouse in a variety of ways to come to counseling • Ask your spouse to read this, or any other relationship book • Indirectly offer hints and suggestions about how they can improve things • Continue to tell yourself and your friends that “If he/she would only _______” • Blame and judge your spouse while taking no responsibility for your

shortcomings • Have your spouse watch some romantic movie that reminds them of what’s

possible • Keep blaming your spouse for the marriage sucking

I think you get the idea. What do all these have in common?


You are trying to change your partner, directly or indirectly because you really believe that if they changed, your relationship would improve. I will concede that wanting others to change is normal. It’s what we humans do. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay to keep doing it. Clearly that approach isn’t working for you. So, getting on board with the “practice” of loving someone as they are is critical here. And, in doing so, you get out of your victim, poor me, or self-‐righteous stance and take a major step toward being an empowered, mature, adult. It’s choosing to get in the driver’s seat right now and take charge of the situation. That is why, in order to get empowered with yourself and in your relationship, you’ll need to learn and implement this key step immediately. Now that we’ve explored why we do this “trying to change others” thing, let’s move on to how to break free from it.

SECTION 3: The “Real Change” Solution-- -

Six keys to get out of this harmful

dynamic

Key 1. The Personal Operating System Now that we’ve set the stage about how we humans act, we can move forward. Hopefully you have the courage to get honest here. Are you willing to admit that at least some of the time you want your partner to be different? How often are you expecting your partner to be like you? How often are you wanting them to do it your way? How much energy do you spend wishing they were different? Most couples talk in circles and have no idea how to take the relationship deeper because they are too busy wanting each other to change. Most couples also try to use the same outdated, ineffective communication techniques that don’t work.


I think by now, you are getting how limited this way of relating is. And, no, you can’t just go back to the honeymoon period. That’s impossible. Your marriage is asking you to learn, get more mature, more adult-‐like, and more empowered. So, if you want to change this one for good, you must learn to communicate like a new person, using a type of communication that breaks the old habits and inspires ones. Communication is really about understanding: Understanding who your partner is on every level, and communicating who you are on every level. This means you need to understand the map they came into the world with, how they do relationship, what their story is, how and why they do what they do, etc. You must be willing to understand everything about them. And, if you’ve been together a long time, and there’s loads of resentment and distance built up over time, you need to decide if you want to move forward. Learning all of this stuff on top of a pile of baggage is completely doable. If you have tons of relationship baggage that you and your partner never really got over or effectively dealt with, I’d recommend using the information I’m about to share with the intention and aspiration to clear the decks and get your relationship back to a healthy foundation.

Remember, if you practice what I’m about to share, you WILL change your relationship for the better, guaranteed.

If we keep it simple, you will want to embrace and understand three things: 1] The hardware they came with (nature) 2] the software they came with (nurture) -‐-‐ their personal operating system (POS) and 3] how they navigate life using these two. Let’s unpack these one by one.

Relational Hardware. All of us have relational “hardware.” This is the relationship template we came into the world with. It’s the default setting of our parent’s development at the time of our conception. And, the hardware includes all that we’ve been through relationally. Your hardware is like a fingerprint, coded with all positive and negative relational experiences you’ve ever been through.


So, the hardware has already been laid down in the past and appears to be “hard-‐wired.” Our hardware continues to stay “hard-‐wired” in us, unless we enact new behaviors that reshape the brain and neuropathways in the brain. The good news from neuroscientists in recent decades is that our brain is plastic and can change! In other words, our hardware can soften and thaw out over time, if we apply the right software.

Relational Software. The relational software includes all the things we learned, and were taught, about relationships by other people and by watching other people. Of course, most people have relational software that is way out of date. It’s doesn’t work very well to get them the love and relationships they want. But, most people can’t break free from their patterns because, in a way, the relational software and relational hardware are working in tandem to keep them stuck. Moreover, most of us have been running outdated software on a very old and inefficient system. In other words, we have an old computer with old programs. That gets us the kind of relationship results we currently have.

Having the right software is key to running the hardware. Most people are running old and outdated software on the hard drives of who they are.

Combining the Two. When we add our relational software to our relational hardware, a predictable way of doing life and relationships emerges. I call this our “personal operating system” or POS. It’s like a relational cocktail that both hurts, and helps. However, most folks only get the hurt part because they are too stuck using their old software and don’t know how to proceed. Imagine trying to surf the internet or run your business on a computer made in 1985. Or imagine trying to run windows 4.2 on a dell computer from 1992. Yikes! Or running mac’s snowlion software on a macbook from 2001.

That personal operating system (POS) would be a nightmare. The POS is everything. You (the P or personal part) “operate” according to a “system” of preferences. The POS is essentially your hardware combined with your software. Put another way, it’s a person’s values, morals, ethics, code of conduct, wants, needs, drives, etc. The POS is our internal “map and compass” that is comprised of a hierarchy of personal preferences about how you navigate your life. The “direction” we choose to travel is comprised of our highest priorities. These dictate where we choose to put our attention and what inspires us. Imagine an


upside down ice cream cone: The point of the cone is the most important thing we do, the bottom is the least important thing we do. However, our POS is often not aligned according to our deepest wants. Instead it’s aligned according to whatever old software and hardware we have. This is our “lower self.” The lower self is another term for the most inefficient, wounded, hurt part of us, that is largely unconscious to us. Our “highest self” is who we are at our best. It’s the authentic self (or who we were) before we traded that authentic self for the strategic self that our parents wanted so we could get, and not lose, love. For example, if you had a challenging childhood full of hurt, your POS will be designed to avoid more hurt. The software you use will be the same software you used as a child to avoid pain, and get love. When you find yourself in an adult relationship, you keep employing your pain-‐avoidant strategies instead of growing up through the power (and pain) of the relationship.

Wherever you are hurting is a place where you have an opportunity to grow. But instead of growing, most people get scared of growth, so they calcify around the “old way.” There’s a certain comfort in the old software because on some level, it works That’s the tricky thing about us human beings. Even though we are wired to grow, inertia eventually takes over for most people and they become stuck. The longer they go resisting their inevitable growth, the more internal calcification occurs. It’s the combination of our relational hardware and software that keep us looping in patterns relationally. If we never get new software, our improvements won’t stick very long. Let’s come back to your current relationship issues. You both came with different personal operating systems (POS). And it’s your lack of understanding, and accepting, your spouse’s POS that got you here. If you don’t get this, you both loop in circles and one or both of you feel judged, criticized, and unloved. When the inevitable challenges come up in relationships, most people take the path of least resistance and do what they’ve always done. This is normal human behavior. When under stress, the brain directs us to our habitual responses that keep us “safe.” Often, our response isn’t that healthy. For example, when we get upset with our partner and we feel angry or hurt or even sad, we typically go eat, drink, smoke, exercise, or distract. We try to move “away from” the pain we are experiencing because it’s uncomfortable and no one ever taught us how to “be with” it.


Under threat or stress, we unconsciously choose to travel on the beaten path using our very outdated map and compass. This is why so many people struggle in long-‐term relationships, especially with the unavoidable stress that comes with an intimate relationship over time. These folks are not learning new ways of travel, and they have outdated gear (i.e. software). This describes you, right? For example, the POS of the “typical guy” is oriented toward work, achieve, provide, invent, solve problems, and seek freedom. The POS of the typical woman is oriented toward connection, relationship, enhancement, improvement, socializing, and nesting. Or more practically it might look like this… Within their POS, the order of priorities are: Husband: His mission (work), sex, money, friendships, family, wife, etc Wife: Kids, husband, house, heart relationships, sex, etc It’s no surprise that men and women, generally speaking, have a different POS. We have different gear and hardware. And, if we expand beyond gender stereotypes, all of us have different hardware and software and no two people have the same POS. As you can see, the man might value work and friendships above his wife, especially if their connection is “normal” or just okay. Even though their connection is average, she still prefers and wants the connection to be important because it simply is important to her. It’s one of her priorities. This example is where two individuals will likely be frustrated over time. If they can’t work out their differences, they will remain disempowered and will suffer a great deal as a result. That diagram looks like this:

As you can see, there is very little connection. This couple feels enstranged, distant, and disconnected.

P.O.S P.O.S


Key 2. The Couple Operating System

Ideally, a couple can find a “sweet spot” between them, where they are separate, yet connected.

When two POS’s combine well they form a third OS that I call the COS (couple

operating system), seen below.

We want the COS to form a synergistic bond where power is maximized but where both couples don’t have to give up their POS. Power is maximized when both parties are living according to their highest priorities, true to themselves, and make the COS and its alignment a very high priority. There is no moral judgment about which of our priorities is better or worse. There is no right, wrong, good, or bad. Our POS is just how we choose to align our lives. All of us have a different internal compass. At this point, you might think or assume you know your partner’s POS. However, if you have problems and challenges in your relationship, you have more to learn about their POS. Knowing your partner’s POS will take conversations deeper. Knowing their POS builds connection and intimacy. Finding the sweet spot of the COS is a magical moment for a couple and can serve as a bedrock to any challenge they face individually or separately. Once you learn about your partner’s POS, specifically what matters most to them, it will have your partner feeling loved and accepted for who they actually are. But


where most people get stuck is wanting your partner to have a POS like yours because you have a fantasy that that will lead to less friction in your life, when in reality it creates more friction in your life. As we’ve covered, let’s assume you are normal and you want your partner to change. Everyone does. Yet, expecting our partner to be like us is what creates loads of pain, right? So, how do we not do that? How do we not fall prey to wanting our partner to change all the time, or even sometimes?

By learning how to communicate according to what matters most to both of you, you each get what you want, nearly every time.

How would that be for you? If you got what you wanted and they got what they wanted on a consistent basis? And, that getting what you both wanted didn’t lead to resentment, and instead build bridges between the two of you? How would it be to achieve a kind of unshakable synergy with your COS? Or, would you rather keep spinning the same old loops and patterns you’ve always done? Now let’s dive in to the basic communication method that will help you achieve a wonderfully fulfilling COS, then we can take a bird’s eye view of the new software. The way to change this whole mess is to first get some new software for your hardware that is atrophying and decaying. What is this new software? The new software is call Relationship as a Path Software (RAPS)—indestructible relational software designed to upgrade the hardware and live a fulfilling relationship life. More on this in other ebooks and programs. And, part of your new software is to learn how to achieve a synergistic COS by learning how to communicate and understand every aspect your POS and theirs. Let’s get to work so you can really get this. The first thing to understand is most people want a partner that is more alike than different. They want, and even expect, their spouse to value and appreciate the things they value and appreciate, in the order they value and appreciate them. But as you learn about this, you’ll see how that approach leads you both to more struggle and more suffering.


COS Exercise Get out a piece of paper and pen, or your laptop if you prefer, and we’ll start with this simple, yet foundational, exercise (This exercise is adapted from the work of Dr. John Demartini’s work on values).

Instructions: Step 1-- Get to know your own POS. What matters most to you and where you typically orient in life? List these as “preferences” in terms of your how you orient your day, chosen or not. Write out three answers to each question. Really be honest. Think hard about what your life really looks like. Think and reflect upon your behavior. Your behavior and actions are the most trustworthy answers here.

Notice the difference between what you think your preferences are (or what you want them to be) versus what they actually are.

Sometimes we might say we prefer money, but really we prefer to spend it. So, if you truly “prefer” money, you would be investing it, saving it, learning about it, growing it, etc. A person saving rather than spending, truly has money as a priority in their life. Remember, you’re listing the way your life is, not the way you wish it were. For example, if one of your preferences is “work,” what is it about work that you prefer? Money? Time away? Time focused on your life purpose? The team of community you’re surrounded by? You don’t have to write all those down, but it could be that you appreciate and value the community feel of work, but that you don’t really love or value what you do. So, you’d write down community there, instead of work. Invite your spouse to do this exercise with you. Do it together and share notes. If they are not interested, do them alone and see what turns up.

1. What matters most to you? (Your internal compass points and orients to what three most important things in your life)

2. What do you spend most of your time doing? 3. What do you spend most of your energy doing? 4. What do you spend most of your money on? 5. Who do you spend the most time with? 6. What is the content of your internal mind chatter?


7. What does your spouse see as your top three preferences? 8. If I followed you around for a week, what would I start to see as your top

three preferences? Spend 10-‐30 minutes doing this now. Then move on to step 2. Step 2. Sort the answers into your personal hierarchy Within all 24 answers, themes begin to emerge. Write down how many times you mention each answer. You’ll notice certain ones repeat. Order these from most mentioned to least mentioned. These are your preferences that make up your internal POS. Pay special attention to where your marriage is, or where your intimate relationship is. Also note if sex, love, connection was or was not mentioned. Ideally share your top three preferences with your spouse or a close friend. Get their feedback and ask them if these seem right to you, given who you present yourself to be. Your highest priority is that thing you spend the most energy on. You are most disciplined and reliable with that thing. Even if you disagree with what the results were, none of us need any external motivation to do that top priority thing. For example, let’s imagine your top preference was work, but you hate your job. You might say that your job is a low priority, given how much you don’t like it. But if you spend the bulk of your hours, time and energy at work punching the clock, you clearly prefer your job over other things. Step 3--write down what you want your preferences to be. Do you want your relationship to be a higher priority? Or, do you want to be a higher priority on your spouse’s preferences? If you are “oriented” to a lifestyle that is hurting you or not inspiring, what do you want it to orient to instead? Do you hate your job, but it’s still your top priority? Then, what do you want your top priority to switch to? In a dream scenario, what do you wish you spent the most time, energy, and money doing? Getting very honest about where you stand is important. Then, you have the real information and now you can choose what you want to do about it. Watch the tendency to compare yourself to what you think you “should” be doing. That’s someone else’s life or trip, not yours. Stay with your own dreams and desires. If there’s a gap between what your preferences actually are and what you want them to be, you have work to do to change your preferences and orientation in life,


right? And, if you were honest and your relationship was lower down on the list, and you want different results, you’ll need to move it higher up.

The good news is that you can change your POS to whatever you want it to be.

However, it will take some work since you’ve oriented your life around the other priorities and you have some old hardware and software. Now, make a personal commitment to tweak your POS and give yourself a deadline. By when will you have an updated POS in place that is more aligned with your authentic self? Next, what action steps do you need to take to make that a reality? Remember, you don’t want to be someone your not. So, if you feel guilt because your relationship is low on the list and you think it “should” be higher, that’s not what you really value. You might not even want to be in a relationship right now. That’s okay. Don’t make that wrong. Be true to you, whatever the information is. The only way it’s going to feel great is if you honor whatever is true, including ending a relationship. Your relationship life will not change for the better until it is in your top three priorities. Step 4—Learn your partner’s preferences and how they orient in l ife. This is the key step if you want to learn how to communicate more effectively with your partner and this can transform stuck relationships into a thriving COS that is a source of strength and nourishment. For example, let’s say the wife orients toward family as the top priority and the husband orients to work as his highest priority. These priorities could conflict right? But they don’t have to. The husband will need to learn how to communicate in his wife’s highest orientation—family. If he wants to go on a business trip and she doesn’t want to be left alone with the kids for a week, he could come up with a way to bring her and the kids. He could remember that family is paramount to her and that the kids love sports. So, he could propose his business trip with this in mind. In doing so, he’d invite her and the kids to come if the location has live action sports, professional athlete restaurants, a chance to meet a real player, etc. He also knows she likes nature, so he includes a nature excursion into the trip. So now, instead of doing business for 7 days straight, he gets a couple of days of family time, and the rest is work. They see each other at the hotel at night and the couple can strengthen their connection during those hours. Knowing all of this, he will then approach his wife with this in mind so when he proposes him leaving town for seven days, he’s also proposing a condensed family trip. Both parties need to find ways to communicate in each other’s highest priorities

by knowing each other’s POS.


Let’s say the husband doesn’t like to talk much about his feelings (low priority), but the wife enjoys emotional connection (high priority). Speaking from her heart and her emotions is one of the ways she communicates and shares herself. If he truly cares about her, he’ll need to learn how to support her emotionally, and/or help her find friends that can really support her there. And, it’s in his best interest to learn her language. So, if the man wants more intimacy, learning about his own emotions and being “emotionally available” will only serve to help their bond. Likewise, if she wants to be closer to him, she’ll need to learn to accept his approach to life in the language of his preferences and priorities. She’ll need to get, and know, his POS in a way that has him feeling loved and accepted by her. By now, you are seeing how knowing your partner’s POS and where their internal compass is oriented toward will lead to a strong connection and increased intimacy.

Key 3. Shift your mindset with one simple statement

Let’s fine-‐tune the dial even more…

I’m going to teach you one tool, which is a simple statement that will transform this “changing others” issue forever.

This statement must be applied daily to your POS and it’s a huge mindset shift.

I want you to be different, but I don’t need you to be.

Read it again and see if it makes sense.

In other words, I can want a new car, a new relationship, for you to go to change and go to therapy, or for you to like me. But at the end of the day I don’t need any of it.

While trying to change our external environment and the people in it is very common and normal, taking it seriously and investing loads of energy into changing others in order for you to feel a certain way is a very slippery slope (it fuels the “grass is greener somewhere else” mentality).

If you go down that road, be aware of the basic message you are sending and take a really honest look at why you are unwilling to accept your lover as they are.

By the way, accepting them as they are, doesn’t mean you have to stay with them. Quite the contrary. Accepting someone as they are, frees you up to choose to pursue someone that is willing to walk alongside you and experience mutual growth.


Key 4. Get clear on your Non-negotiable Foundational Pillars.

At this point some of you might be asking, yeah, but aren’t there some things that are “deal breakers?” Or, aren’t there places where we do need them to be different? We all have something we value greatly, something we’d die for or fight for. It might be family, it might be our job, our spiritual life, our religion, etc. This is that place where we choose the thing that matters most to us over our partner and we are willing to lose the relationship over this priority. For example, one of my priorities is seeing relationship as a path and doing deep inner work on the relationship. If my wife didn’t value that also, I would not be with her. This is a need, and a non-‐negotiable foundational pillar for me. Before I met my wife, I got clear that I wanted and needed a partner that was into personal development and spiritual growth. When I met my wife who was committed to personal and spiritual development, I didn’t have to waste any energy trying to get her on board. It was a high priority for both of us before we even met each other. Another example: When my wife and I got married, I wanted children immediately. Prior to that kids were not on my priority list at all, in fact ever. I used to say “I’ll never get married and I’ll never have kids.” Seriously! Then I found myself married, and somewhere from deep within me, an internal knowing came forth that I wanted children. I brought this to my wife. She was a “no” at that time. I let her know this would be a deal breaker for me. So, my wife went and did some “inner work” on herself until she could be a yes for herself. We both knew that one of the possibilities was that she could go do some inner work and learn she was a no. In that case, we both knew the relationship would end and we’d both face that. We both agreed that while that would be hard, it would be a reality we’d both be willing to face. Fortunately for both of us, my clarity forced her to get clear on her own priorities and her clarity was “yes.” In other words, me having kids was non-‐negotiable. I was so clear I was willing to move on if she was a no. That sped up the “kid conversation” for her, but she was up for facing it. As you can see in both examples, clarity is the key issue. Many people are clear what they want and don’t want, but instead of staying true to that, they compromise their core principles in exchange for connection. I’m offering another way where you don’t need to do that. Nor do you need to change your partner. Let’s try a less charged example. Prior to marriage, I wanted my wife to be into climbing, skiing, and mountain biking.


She was not into those sports and had a very low value on pursuing them. She was into yoga at the time. Were those sports really something I was willing to lose the relationship over? For me, no. I loved her too much to make that an issue. So what happened? Over time, I climbed and skied less and less and picked up yoga part time. She occasionally went climbing with me. She also supported me doing those other sports if that’s what I wanted to do. To this day, I value connection and time with her and my family over those sports. Not only that, in doing so, I’ve been able to discover other activities that are less hard on my body and more supportive of one of my highest priorities—connection. So, I choose to hike, walk, trail run, road bike, and occasionally mountain bike, as opposed to pushing myself skiing or rock climbing. As you can see in this example, I was flexible. Extreme sports were a high priority but not a non-‐negotiable foundational pillar, so I was willing to bend there. In fact, over time, I “matured” in those sports to where they are less enjoyable for me, unless I do them totally differently than I used to. So, in effect, my wife, without knowing it, helped me transform my priorities and shift them to be more realistic given who I was becoming. I’m grateful for this today. I have no part of me that resents my wife for “making me change.” Remember, she didn’t make me do anything. I became more flexible as my priorities shifted toward a mature, intimate, adult relationship. Resentment comes when we do things for the other, instead of for ourselves. Me wanting children demanded that my wife get clear in herself. But she did that for her, not for me. I was merely the catalyst. So, we have two amazing children and zero resentments to boot.

Key 5. But what if I can’t accept my spouse’s way? What if their POS is just too far away from what’s

okay with me?

You will need to decide if you can love your spouse there. But remember, DO NOT try and change them. That NEVER works. And, if it were to work, your spouse would resent you over the long haul. Let’s say your spouse wants kids and you don’t. Their POS is built for children and they are ready to go. If you are very clear you are a no, honor yourself. Do not go have children or pretend to “think about it” because you are afraid to lose the relationship. That is you letting your fear of being alone run your life. When it comes to the big non-negotiables, love your mate enough to tell them

the hard truth about where you stand.


They can handle it. Not only that, it will help them grow, with or without you. Another example. Let’s say you and I are going into business. In order to succeed, we’ll need to establish a shared vision. We’ll need to “divide and conquer” using the best of both of our skill sets. We meet numerous times to decide if we are a good fit. If at any point, we are misaligned in whatever is non-‐negotiable (like the vision of what we are about and where we are going), one of us needs to move on. Otherwise, our business is doomed to fail. If I can’t accept your vision or your method, then I’m out, and my leaving is responsible and good business. Let’s revisit Bill and Sue’s story. If Sue refuses to do any work and Bill is clear he wants to go to therapy, coaching, or attend personal growth seminars to change his patterns, there is a fork in the relationship road. If Bill does the work of really loving that part of himself that Sue is manifesting (scared and resistant), and he genuinely can love her there, it’s time to move on. The challenge with the fearful/resistant person is that they might say they want to grow or continue to make false promises, because some part of them is ashamed and feels guilty about being so scared and “comfortable” with the status quo. If they were okay with it, they’d just admit it and say something like “Yes dear. It’s true, I don’t want to grow. I have no interest. I feel afraid and resistant and I’m okay with that.” But typically they will be “big hat, no cattle” as my cowboy cousins like to say, and not admit this painful inner truth. Sometimes one person is just too stuck and too scared to do the work. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. They have a right to stay defended and entrenched in their POS. Set them free and spread your budding wings elsewhere. Part of loving someone who doesn’t want to change is embracing the part of you that gets scared and prefers to stay where you are. We all have that part. To be scared and resistant is to be human. If we truly honored and loved people there, their inner feelings of shame and worthlessness wouldn’t be so strong. The irony here is that if we trust at a deep level, we can “let them be” and it’s no problem. Not only that, when we all feel loved is when we feel safe enough to expand and grow. So, the bottom line here is to accept your partner as they are, or if for some reason you are unable to, move on. But don’t make them wrong in the process. Take responsibility for your inability or unwillingness to love them as they are. Or, love them as you leave them.


Key 6. The fastest way to get them to change?

It’s simple. You change. Stop doing that lame thing you do by trying to change them, and instead change you. We change ourselves because that is the only thing we can truly change in a relationship anyway. We have the agency and choice to change the person in the mirror. And, remember, don’t shapeshift into who you think they want you to be. No way. Far from that. Instead, we learn to love ourselves as we are. And, when we don’t love ourselves as we are, we do some personal growth work or we change our behavior so we do embrace ourselves there.

To practice love, I mean, really practice loving another (and yes, it’s a practice), it means accepting and loving people as they are, warts and all. At the end of the day, I don’t need my wife to be different. When I got this years ago, it shifted everything. Why? Because the more I let go of any desire to have her grow or change and I instead loved and embraced who she was at that time, the more she grew, flourished, and expanded. She came to things on her own terms in her own time.

Most of us don’t have the experience of really being loved as we are. Thus, we don’t love ourselves as we are and then we find partners that tend to have limitations in loving and accepting us.

Our job is to love ourselves anyway, no matter what our partner wants or thinks of us.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of someone trying to change you, perhaps it’s time to accept yourself as you are, and let them go. Be honest. You don’t want to be dragged up a mountain of growth and change. That’s okay.

Onward…


To have a flourishing, fulfilling, empowered relationship, both parties need to get empowered. And since you are the one reading this, take it on as your responsibility to get empowered.

Drop any attempts to change your partner from here on out.

Once you get empowered, you will be able to love yourself and not tolerate someone who can’t or won’t meet you on a heart level. Not only that, you will inspire the few around you who want the same. Remember, personal empowerment leads to relationships where you feel inspired, loving and loved, all at the same time. How would that be?

Your final step is to go write down your ideal relationship goal and vision. Do that now. And trust me, you deserve it and you can have it.

“ifonlymypartnerwould ,! thenmyrelationshipwouldbebetter.”!only+my... ·...

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