Ana Brachanov

Deusama

Translation from Croatian: Danijel Zupancic

THREE YEARS

Three years flowLike rivers,Beyond redemptionAnd ISwim in themI swimAgainst the tideI am a good swimmerThey say- Do not be afraid of the deathFor she is the greatest enemyTo herself. -

BEGIN

Begin,I say to myselfthat white paper is not your enemyit is neither your friendnor loverit is not your brotherit cannot hurt youBegin,WriteIf you make a mistakeit won't say anythingIt doesn't speakYou speak through itit cannot do you anythingfor it was deaduntil you created ituntil you imprisoned it with yourselfBegin,I say to myselfthat white paper needs youEnriching it with meaningisn't without rhyme or reasonWrite!

***

One more timeI give an oportunityto the blue peoplePull mepull me loosefrom the blueness

***

With words you've bewitched, seized and crazed meWith verses you've broken, uplifted and fondled meWith poems you've driven me to tearsPushed me into escape from loveFor me happiness is holy and inviolableI cannot long for it and have itI can only worship it wildly and lose it

***

Between yes and noI choose No,I won't changeI'll remain as a songyoung, innocent, carelessin the white gown of merry thoughtsin the white gown, in the merry-go-roundof feelingsSame, like a dream which repeats itselfUnrepeatable, like a life which isbeing born from the ashes

Between no and yesI choose Yes,a gift of change, of metamorphosisstill and all I'll be beatiful in itgreen Gracielain the white gown of tendernessin the white gown of elevationSame, like a soul which restores itselfUnchangeable, like a life which iscreated from the ashes

***

It is not a dreamNot a fairy taleIt is not meThat pretty womanThat pretty womanLoves

***

Miraculouslymy hands are no goodand my body hardly breaks in the thunder of soulI am happyI cannot writewords are catching for my headand instead of hair cheerful littlebutterflies flutterMiraculouslyI recognize youand I know that you've placed the palmof your hand there where the pain is strongestI am happyI cannot breathmy throat stretchesinto transfinity

EVEN THE ASH IS SOMETHING

You are so dear, friendBeside you I don't need the seaI feel that I am on my ownin dreams I swim

Beside you I don't need the skyyou soak me with a gracefulstroke of your blue eyesin them I soar

You are so nice, kinswomanwhen you say to me, Mousieand you don't let me go against myselfyou open the way to my thoughts and deeds:

Go against destiny. Even the ash is something.

ARCHE-US

Neither stone nor saltCan stopA flightA lightsome sighA cramp of heartWings' flutterBecause flight is lifeFor welkinsAnd life is flightFor falling

Neither stone nor saltCan stopSoul's aspirationFor the unknownImponderableImpressiveSprings of

Arche-us

***

I don't need to meet youTo hear youTo see youYou are hereYou are here, in meMy affinityMy authenticityOh, the rudimentsOf the rise

FORGIVE ME

I like to be a madlunaticAnd not to be ashamedof my life's comedies and tragediesForgive mefor pulling you to myselfto a laughter beginning with a cryto a cry that laughsto everything that passeseverything on the wayof the eternity'srecurrence

Because I know,we are akin, achin' to be samebut we are notForgive me

Can you live me

***

A heart has a presentimentof the starting pointand the heart does not regret for having itIn presentimenttearsaretrivial

***

What can I do with you?I don't know what I wantI wish youbut not alwaysWhen you are near me,I want you,I get lost in my wishI don't like the abundanceYou have to find a different wayto meTry tocrystalize my feelingslet us seewhat I feel,what I hide,what draws me to you,and what hauls me awayfrom the whole of you.

***

As soon as I notice yourweakness, I scream.My soul goes upin flamesthat burn.Move away from meshow nothow much you love me.I am not readyfor compromises.I have always been for madnesses.For sufferingbeyond.

***

A south wind in thoughtsthe inexplicable chaos in the headI presumethe bridges will fall downthe rivers will overflowan avalanche of the golden-redwill carry thee awaylike a dream sweeping off an arousal

***

I am scared of looking into your eyesof falling asleep in themthat is why I look at the bench and the treesI sleep with dreamsI sleep with dreamsI am scared of uttering a wordI have never been so rolled up in silenceuntil you turned me into quietwith your wordsThat is why I am speechlessThat is why I am speechless

WISDOM

Wisdom is enough to a wise oneThe deep blue is all to an azure oneYou understand meAnd that is the Thanks I oweThe coveIn which our souls bath

I dedicate to I.J.

***

I won't escapeI will be hereI will be your fearI will be your tearsI will be your solitude

I won't escape into the flight

of poesy

***

I didn't know who you are and life acquainted me with you First time you flied into the cage in which I live and almost died in it of fears and pain But you found the way out of it and you came back Second time you showed me the way to heaven And the bird-cage opened to the Light not a single one wire harmed me Weightlessly my eyes took me along far and wide that I can find my bread and peace Third time you surprised me you couldn't reach me A closed window between us One more dungeon in which I have fallen You were buried and frozen in your tracks My eyes hurt looking at yours You were imprisoned with pain And I didn't shattered the glass, coldness which seperated us

My wonderment with death and beauty From love, it wrenched me away From love, it wrenched me away Away, it wrenched me

***

I wanna say to you, my eyes are heavyTake them to the brooks of lightEyes of minewill begin to flowin easinessof the Wordand of the Wishfor arousal

***

Today I love you moremore than I loved the starsmore than I lived my dreamsmore than life which flowshardly as a current of CupidI love younow it is clear to memay the universe hold me captivemay the sky lay me under siegemay the poem splash against me

in the rhythm of backbreaking waves of Cupid

***

Fortune in greenis my TruthOne Beautiful and Goodthat is your infinity, dearthe skill to selflessly givethe Purity with which Iwalk intoxicated

Dedicated to Š.I.

***

For the first timeI do not feel the shameYou are not a sinto meI let youpamper mewith your goodtemper and loveLike honey thatmelts on a bread

SENDING AWAY

Sending away is forgettingof yesterdayMy lip is a closed shellon the reef of reality

Send it awayfrom the reef to the sea

To Angel

In front of Youwords come to nothingmy throat is crampedmy mind is on the border itcannot crossAnd myheartbeatsare endlessas the eternal pure freewheeled life

DEUSAMA

You are not here. You do not call. You don't mention me. And you are forgetting my name. And my face. And my stature. And my hair. How do I know? Intuitively I am becoming aware of it. Like when I rise from a cave to the light. The eyes blink. Beneath the eyelashes. The quivering world of shadows.

You disappeared. There is no trace of you. I cannot find the path which you proceed. Somewhere. Beyond sight and hearing. No smell either. I will remember only one thing. One morning. The marine daybreak. The wake of foam. The sunny pitchfork. Of the sailboat with two masts. Two warm eyes wink. Beneath the eyelashes. The quivering world of light.

Amadeus. As I keep the treasure of your name in my memory, you are marooning my name on the trash-shore. The lips and... the glance and... the touch... And... Who knows? Who knows did you existed? Maybe you are just an image of an image, just a shadow of a shadow. Uncatchable. Unreal. I understand. Reasonably. Like when I start to open my eyelids out of custom. The eyes peer out. Beneath the eyelashes. The quivering world of things.

You are not here. You do not call. You don't mention me. Deusama. I direct these words to you. I fancy thoughts. The eyes see. Beneath the eyelashes. The quivering world of substance.

Deusama.

OUT OF STONE, AN OLIVE HAS GROWN

Out of stone, an olive has grown. It was imbued with the beauty of life by chastity. Out of stone, you were born, green branch! The green eye. The world blanches through your pupils. And my heart is in the wedding dress. Time, written in stone, knocks...

An olive has grown.

To Green branch (I am not afraid for Thy life)

HUMAN TRAGEDY

I kiss your hands, fair and fabulous miss.The agaves have burst into flowers.The flowers touch the sky.Where have you came from, silent destiny?I smell the secret of existence...

- Suffer. Suffer.

DIVINE TRAGEDY

Convince me, my winged friends.Give me a reason to live.

Do you cry?

Embrace me, my flattering guardians.I don't want to be the Gordian ashes.

Do you cry?

Creator, my humane knight.Evidence your heart to me.

Do you cry?

***

The sky is silent. Silent...

SENTENCE OF DEATH

Dear Philosopher, friend of virtue, I knew that our lives will be similar. Whoever delivers a sermon of Truth is sentenced to death. They accuse me: „You are guilty for our misfortune. You poison our heart. Bite our brains. You do not believe in our God. You pollute our youth.“ The sentence is: „Bury her alive with stones.“ I had a presentiment that I would die in stones. My disciples will not come. Nobody will save me. I knew: our lives will be similar. Whoever laughs in lie's face is doomed, ruined. Whoever shows her feelings in public must disappear. She has to be exiled, isolated and executed. There is no place for feelings in this world. The source of feelings is not in humans. They live without heart long ago. They live as gods. Without heart.

I am glad that I have danced the dance of Goodness. And You were my paragon, dear teacher. You showed me how to fall in love into suffering, how to love one's own wounds and scars. I pursued your star, our idea and I've given it my soul. My fidelity to grave. My mind hugs idealness. My heart umderstands pain. My passions are calm. Only one moment is left to me. I refuse to confess myself. The non-heart cannot understand me. One moment lasts... They lead me, they lead me to death. Stones fly, fly to me... I do not feel them.

My tomb fades away.

***

I have earned IMMORTALITY.

I am TRUTH GOODNESS BEAUTY

CRYSTAL

To turn into the foam. To sink into the blue. Towards happiness. Which is blind. Poor. And to be an instant. A small, lucid bubble. A drop. And to live for instant. A salt tear. The crystal.

THE COASTS ARE NEAR

The coasts are near. I can encircle them with my hands.

THE EMBRACE

The embrace lasts until I believe in now.

EXCUSE

I am sorry for insulting you, painting you black, equating you with a soulless matter. It is not your fault. I am subjective. My mind sometimes forgets the mortality. The heart loses brilliance. And my faith comes to a halt, without a cause. I wish to touch an apstraction. To feel, is there any life in the idea. It is not your fault. I do not know how to behave with you. To speak, also, I do not know. I bear my cross alone. Alone, under the welkin. And I should afford a support to my heart. Permit you to love me.

INFINITY

The rails in the air. A streetcar named cloud.And my dream. A traveller. The blind stowaway.The rails in the air. The sea-colored „heaven“.And my mind. A passer-by. Mute.The rails in the air. The windows uncover the Universe.A beauty of the emerald shapes.And my soul. Hanging on the idea...The rails in the air. A movie of life.Following each other, the pictures are.Gyrating, the experiences are.So do I. I circle the infinity.

The infinity.

***

I cannot count my surprises at the spring to

Which you lead meSo far, sorrow hasn't taken meAnd thou carry me with thy heart's ventriclesThy ventricles look like the Maker'sHands' flatsI am safe in themI won't burnI am not lostI ain't unluckyAnd I stay Endless

A HOOP FOR UPLIFTING

As I pass through the narrow gutters, stair by stair, and gather myself together – nearer to You – I'll mirror our fortune. I'll jump over each rock, struggle through

each hole, closer to You. I'll flail my arms as a gull. I'll scream, slapping with my heart, with my free heart. Until I find You. And get You out. From the sea depths. From the sky ranges. And I shall be Your salvation. A parachute. A hoop for uplifting.

Just let me. Allow me. And I'll be Your Life.

***

I admit, years aren't importantI do not count themI don't count anything

I don't know the prices'cause my hatred for measure tried,close to the accordance Iadore

Aren't important, why do you worryI grew old by the childbirthand you are young for centuriesfleetingness does not negatethe wild burd'n in our beauty

You know better than I,what kind of power it iswhat kind of inspirationthe miracles it createsI wish to experienceagain not a single oneof life-pierced moments'cause all is behind methe ennobled Pain

Aren't important, in front of admirationyears are pleasent, fillthe bathtub and bless them

CHRISTMASS IN VIENNA

I depart. I depart, oh solitude.Find a friend while I'm out of here.In the sorrowful city. The city, a soul's dungeon.

I travel. I travel, oh sadness.Find a lover while I'm out of here.In the beautiful city. The city, an island of coldness.

There is no me. No, oh beauty.Find a sun until I return.To you, queen. Queen, oh witch of reveries.

I depart. I depart... to meet love. To be born in Vienna.