welcome to session threesetting limits avoiding power struggles is it “i can’t” or “i...

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Welcome to Session Three

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We either give control or the other person takes it! We either give control or We either give control or We either give control or

Sharing Control

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Getting to Know You…

Sharing Control with Choices:

Share the results of your experiments with choices.

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This Session Teaches:

Setting Limits

Avoiding Power Struggles

Is it “I Can’t” or “I Won’t”?

Building Loving Relationships

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Opportunity for Thinking and

Decision Making

Raising Kids Who C-O-P-E

O

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Kids Need Limits… To feel and be safe.

To learn self-control and emotion regulation.

To learn how to function and problem-solve within the limits.

To learn about respecting rules, laws, and authority figures by having limits and experiencing consequences when rules are broken.

To be able to function well socially.

To feel good about themselves .

To feel cared for and loved.

In order to learn how to set limits with others.

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When is it Effective to Just Say “No?”

1. When the child is young and parents can easily enforce the limit.

2. When the child will obey out of love and respect for the parent.

3. When the child is older if consequences will do the teaching if the child disobeys the No.”

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Wise parents learn alternatives to using the word NO.

Wise parents learn alternatives Wise parents learn alternatives Wise parents learn alternatives

Setting Limits

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Thinking words are a way of saying “no” by saying “yes” to something else.

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Fighting Words vs. Thinking Words

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Lisa

Fighting Words include: •Telling the child what to do. •Telling the child what you will not allow •Telling the child what you won’t do

Thinking Words include: •Telling a child when he/she can do something •Telling the child the conditions under which the adult will do something •Describing the choices a child has

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Say it with Thinking Words I’ll be glad to…

Feel free to…

You’re welcome to…

I listen to…

We will…

You may…

All of those who…

I’m happy to…

Feel free to…

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Say YES! Instead of No…

Parents can still set limits and say ‘Yes!’ by using the following phrases:

• “Yes! Just as soon as …”• “Absolutely! Right after…” • “Yes! And…” • “Sure! As long as ...” • “Great idea! But first…” • “Yes, if...”

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Love and Logic Audio

Shifting the Balance of Power

Dr. Charles Fay

<12:07>

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Enforceable Statements

Instead of telling children what to do, adults say what they will do

Delivered calmly and matter-of- factly

Examples:

• I’ll be glad to…

• I listen to…

• I’m happy to…

• I drive kids who…

• I will ____ when ____.

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Creativity, Fun and Humor

Help People Accept Limits

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Is it “I Can’t” or “I Won’t”?

The child either can’t do the task or is choosing not to for some reason.

Separating “I can’t” from “I won’t”:

• Does the child perform better for others?

• Is the home atmosphere that of over-protection and/or excessive sympathy?

• Are the child’s needs for attention, affection and control being met?

• Does the child whine and complain when requested to do a task that is clearly within the child’s ability?

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Handling “I Can’t” Handling I Can tHandling I Can t

When a child can’t do the task: • Are our expectations reasonable for a child of this

age/ developmental level? • Have we provided appropriate training for the task?

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Steps to helping kids with self-care tasks: • Keep expectations high. “You can do it!” • Teach the specifics step-by-step:

1. Use visual cues along with verbal ones. Go slowly. 2. Have the child do the step right after you show them. 3. Respond with encouragement after each step. 4. Repeat at least 5-7 times. 5. Be silly, creative and have fun together!

Adjust expectations downward only when it is obvious the child is unable to do the task.

• Don’t show disappointment or frustration. • Show happy anticipation: “Hey! I have a better idea. Let’s try…”

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Handling “I Won’t” Handling I Won tHandling I Won t

Uncovering the roots of resistance. Is the child: • Feeling sick, hungry, tired, frustrated, in pain, etc? • Resistant to the task? • Resistant to the person requesting the task? • Resistant “in general?” • Getting needs for affection, attention and control

sufficiently met?

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Responding to resistance: • Comments such as “Oh yes you can!” rarely works and leads to arguments. • Respond with empathy and appropriately allow the consequences of not completing the task to occur. • Make sure the child is personally invested in completing the task: “I am happy to take you to the game as soon as your treatments are done.” • Have a problem-solving discussion with the child.

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Love and Logic Audio

Why Limits Won’t Work Without Relationship

Dr. Charles Fay

<9:21>

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Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.

Consequences without relationship lead to resentment.

Rewards without relationship feel like bribes.

Building Loving Relationships

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At least once a day make a point to establish a moment of combined eye contact, smile, and touch.

Help them celebrate their strengths by following the “5 to 1 Rule.”

Try to have a meal together each day.

Let them overhear you talking about how much you adore them.

Building Loving Relationships

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Help them when they are working hard on their chores or other tasks.

Let them overhear you talking about how much you adore and appreciate them.

Have fun together as a family often.

Create family traditions.

Building Loving Relationships

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Life Applications

Read pages 37-46, 56-60, & 193-200

Practice Using Enforceable Statements

Focus on Nurturing Your Relationships

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In the next session, you’ll discover: “P” Stands for Problem

Solving Skills

Who Owns the Problem?

Guiding Your Child to Solve Problems

Talking about Tough Issues

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Thank You for Joining Us!