the sag awards 2014

SAG AWARDS

2014

JEWEL TONES Red, Green & Blue

Amy Adams

While I don’t love space-agey

cutouts, this is undeniably

awesome.

The colour is amazing on Amy,

and she’s got that demure retro

pin-up thing going on.

Elisabeth Moss

Meh, it’s fine.

She got up to accept her award

and said “s***!” right into the

mike, and everybody laughed. It

was obviously a rehearsed

moment that was supposed to

look spontaneous. It bugged me.

Jane Krakwoski

Jane always looks like she’s in

character as Jenna from 30 Rock.

But this is nice, and her sleek bob

is cute.

Morena Baccarin

Amazing dress in a stunning

sapphire blue, but for some

reason the gap in the middle of

the bust bothers me. It almost

looks as of the dress is coming

apart or something. Distracting.

Holly Hunter

I couldn’t find a better picture of

this. It’s lovely, but boy did she

look thin.

Oprah

Oprah!

Sandra Bullock

I can’t decide whether this is cute

or too reminiscent of a

Christmas present.

Maybe I’m being too judgmental,

because who doesn’t like

Christmas presents?

Alfre Woodard

Alfre can’t go past a shiny frock,

and I can’t really blame her,

though I wish this looked a little

less like the kind of blingy

curtain a half-dressed cabaret

dancer might emerge from. It’s

not terribly flattering or age-

appropriate. The colour is

gorgeous, however.

Kelly Osbourne

As usual, I have no

comment.

Ariel Winter

Ouch. Just looking at this makes

my chest hurt.

Renee Bargh

Renee is some kind of Australian

person. Her coral/red dress

looked pretty in some pictures,

but what is up with that seam in

the middle?

Zoe Kazan & Paul Dano

I don’t necessarily love Zoe’s

dress (I’d cut off the bow), but

this couple generally just looks

adorable.

HARDWARE Bling, Deco Detail and

Bold Patterns

Claire Danes

The mosaic thing is intriguing,

but there’s way too much going

on here. The illusion netting at

the neckline detracts from the

blue. This might be something

that made more sense up close.

Jennifer Lawrence

I love Jennifer’s short hair,

but in this glitzy dress she

looks older than her years.

Like Ellen Barkin or

someone. She looks like a

person you would describe

as a “sassy broad.”

Malin Akerman

On someone with bolder

colouring this might have looked

interesting, but Malin’s features

are just swamped by the busy

pattern and colours. And what’s

up with her hair? Is it grey?

Helen Mirren

Not necessarily one of my

favourite looks, but she is

stunning.

Lena Headey

I kind of like this.

I do not like the topknot with it.

Katrina Bowden

I wouldn’t be drawn to this on its

own, but on Katrina it does look

beautiful, and fits perfectly.

This would be the way to do

gold ornamentation without

drawing attention away from

hair and face.

Rita Wilson

Rita Wilson always dresses like

she’s made of money, which she

is. I rarely love anything she

wears, and this is no exception. It

has black racing stripes down the

sides. I hate racing stripes. It

always makes me think of those

Adidas tracksuits.

Sophia Vergara

*yawn*

It’s very pretty. I’m just

unmoved.

Natalie Dormer

Natalie shaved half her

head for some reason.

This look as a whole

actually works. Ladylike

meets punk.

Julie Bowen

For some reason this calls to

mind the aesthetic details of a

1970’s Torana. I didn’t know I

even knew what a 1970’s Torana

looked like.

Rita Moreno

Remember how Coco Chanel

said “before you leave the house,

take one thing off?” I think she

would have told Rita Moreno to

take all but one thing off.

Seriously, the chinoiserie skirt

intrigues me. With a plain black

bodice, minimal jewellery, and

NO LEATHER, it might have

been something.

Stuart Brazell

Why is she called Stuart? Who

would do that to a child?

SLEEK NAVY There were enough figure-

hugging navy frocks to make up their own category.

Jennifer Garner

Flawless, but dull.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

When I first saw this I thought

“She’s pregnant? Isn’t she fifty-

something?!?”

Turns out it’s an optical illusion.

She looks normal from other

angles. And yes, by “normal” I

mean “unpregnant.”

Mindy Kaling

I don’t think I would choose a

cowl neck for Mindy, but she

looks ever-so-pretty.

Sarita Choudury

I don’t know who Sarita

Choudhury is, but she looks like

unlike anyone else there, which

is a compliment. There’s

something very unique and

dignified about this Nanette

Lepore. I like it when people

dress as though they’re

above it all.

Anna Gunn

This looks like something an

‘Entertainment Tonight’

presenter would wear. It’s fine,

it’s just standard Hollywood red

carpet fare.

Anna Chlumsky

Anna’s physique looks very

Marilyn Monroe-esque in this.

It’s lovely, if a bit baggy across

the hips.

Julianne Nicholson

Hmm. I’m really not sure what’s

going on with the…drapes?

Tassels? But if you took them

away you’d be left with nothing

but an office-appropriate navy

shift dress and work shoes.

Shame, because she has a pretty

face and nice hair.

BBD (Big Black Dress)

Abigail Breslin

Okay, so she obviously needs to

get together with Ariel Winter

and work out what to do with a

DD+ bust.

Michelle Dockery

I’m surprised Michelle went so

wrong here after her pretty dress

at the Emmy’s. The deep

U-shaped neckline is

unflattering, the top looks like a

waistcoat, and the skirt looks like

flared pants. Personally I think

black and white is too severe for

Michelle’s complexion anyway.

Meryl Streep

A peasant dress? Meryl, you are

not a peasant! How many more

awards do you have to win

before you start dressing like…

Helen Mirren?

Emma Thompson

While the dress doesn’t wow me

(it looks casual), Emma was very

proud of her flat shoes, and I’m

glad someone is finally being

sensible. Except when she’s

photobombing famous people:

Melissa Rauch

I still don’t really know who

Melissa Rauch is, and I’d rather

type this very long sentence than

Google her to find out, but she

always looks like she’s dressed

for a high school prom in some

Midwestern town. This is

basically just a black satin bag

with a belt.

Sophie McShera

Sophie tends to go for really

modern frocks, slick hair and

vampish red lipstick to look as

little like Daisy from Downton

Abbey as possible. I do

sympathise, but I don’t think this

is her best look. It ages her.

Tina Fey & Alice Richmond

They both look gorgeous. Tina

looks amazing – I couldn’t get a

better picture, but this frock

flatters her beautifully and I

much prefer her with darker hair.

It might have looked less

widowish if she had worn it out,

but she’s very elegant here.

Sophie Turner

I really thought she was wearing

a crop top and a maxi skirt. In

fact it’s a beige belt, which looks

like an afterthought.

Cara Theobold

Cara is Daisy’s

coworker from

Downton Abbey. The

details on the dress are

very pretty, but she

too looks older than

she is. She should

have opted for a more

modern, youthful

hairstyle.

Jared Leto & Constance Leto

Jared Leto creeps me out, but his

mother looks pretty awesome.

Like a really elegant witch.

Ewan McGregor

Just in case you’re wondering if

Ewan McGregor is still

handsome.

(Yes.)

ETHEREAL Pale & shimmery, from

stunning to meh.

Emilia Clarke

Didn’t quite make my best

dressed list, but I can’t fault it. I

would have done her hair

differently, but the gown is sleek,

pretty and classic.

Isla Fischer

Again, there is nothing wrong

with this, but it lacks the wow

factor.

Gretchen Mol

I quite liked this on the red

carpet, but I’m not sure now.

The leg isn’t helping.

Hannah Simone

I find it hard to be objective

about Hanna Simone, because I

think she’s gorgeous, and

subsequently consider everything

she wears or stands near to be

gorgeous.

The frilly neckline and hair

might all be a bit much, but she

looks angelic, so I’ll give

her a pass.

Sarah Hyland

The blush colour with her rosy,

luminous makeup and loose,

wavy hair is very pretty, but the

gathering in the middle is weird

and off-centre. It looks like it’s

elasticated. Maybe if it had some

kind of diamante belt or

something?

Laura Carmichael

I’m really over topknots.

Natalie Emmanuel

A size too small and way too

skimpy in the bust to be

considered elegant.

Elisabeth Rohm

This looked more successful on

the red carpet than it does in

pictures, but it’s still probably a

lesser version of the already

average dress Jlo wore to

something last year. Elisabeth’s

hair is strange, too. Why are

people over-bleaching their hair?

Maria Menounos

I suppose it’s possible that if this

was on Diane Kruger or Natalie

Portman, they would look like

Greek goddess. Maria Menounos

looks exactly like the D-List

celebrity that she is.

Kaley Cuoco

Oh Kaley. She just never ever

gets it quite right, does she? This

looks a size too small, it skews to

the left, it’s already slipping

down, and somehow like

everything else she picks for the

red carpet it exaggerates her

already odd proportions. Her

posture and characteristic smirk

suggest she wants us to stop

laughing at her.

WORST

Julia Roberts

At first I saw a picture of just the

top half of this outfit and

thought “oh, what a lovely

dress!”

Kerry Washington

Kerry has just had a baby, so I

think we’ll give her a pass based

on a diagnosis of probable Post-

Natal Sartorial Dysphoria.

Otherwise I can’t think what

possessed her to wear a cropped

pink sequinned top with a pouffy

satin skirt that makes her look

enormous.

Kerry Washington

And also, we can SEE HER BRA.

Cate Blanchett

I don’t like this, I think it’s awful. But

I just have to relate this hilarious

exchange I witnessed on TV:

(GIULIANA RANCIC): I AM

OBSESSED.

(CATE BLANCHETT): With what?

(GIULIANA RANCIC): WITH YOU.

I love you as an ACTRESS. I love

you as a FASHIONISTA...

(CATE BLANCHETT): I'm married.

Amanda Peet

Oh, Amanda. I’m reluctant to

criticise because she looks like a

proud schoogirl on her first day

of school. She got dressed all by

herself. I mean, I do love her

velvet Mary Janes. And her skirt

looks like it was inspired by that

Escher picture with the

interlocking birds. It would

probably make a great

lampshade.

Mayim Bialik

When Jewish Orthodox meets

19th Century Parisian Bordello.

Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon

I agree with whatever Nick is

thinking.

Giuliana Rancic

*sigh*

She just really needs to gain

some weight.

Sarah Paulson

The angel I put on my Christmas

tree is better outfitted than this.

Her proportions are all off. And

her head looks odd. She looks

like one of those wax figures of

famous people that doesn’t

resemble the original.

Patricia Arquette

This calls to mind one of those

hippie dresses made from hemp

and dyed with carrot juice and

berries. It probably smells like

incense.

Edie Falco

Her face and hair look lovely.

Everything else: no.

BEST

Camila Alves

Divine.

Carice Van Houten

This may be controversial,

because I don’t necessarily love

the frock, but I love the look

overall. Her hair and face are so

pretty, and she looks happy

enough to carry off what is a

fairly basic LBD. It’s all about

the attitude.

Carice Van Houten

It even has a giant bow on the

back, but I don’t mind. The

combination of porcelain skin,

dark hair, black dress and deep

red lipstick is just so effortlessly

pretty. Her shoes are lovely, too.

Betsy Brandt

I couldn’t find a good picture of

this, and while the overall look

was not necessarily a show-

stealer, the gown itself is

beautiful and interesting, so it

made the cut. I love chartreuse,

and I can’t go past a wallpapery

floral. I’m not even joking.

Juliette Lewis

As I was saying, I love bold

decorative florals. While

Juliette’s hair puzzling, the

over-the-top turquoise dress is

whimsical and unexpectedly

beautiful. Like Lucy Liu’s Marie

Antoinette-inspired gown from a

couple of years ago.

Lupita Nyong’o

…however, first prize for best

turquoise frock (and best

everything else) goes, of course,

to Lupita Nyong’o, who looks

breathtaking here. Not many

people could carry off the ornate

neckline and matching

eyeshadow, but Lupita looks like

she could grant wishes.