relationship behaviors things that make or break our relationships!
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Relationship BehaviorsRelationship BehaviorsThings that make or break our Things that make or break our
relationships!relationships!
Myth or Reality?Myth or Reality?
1.1. I can change him/herI can change him/her
2.2. All you need is loveAll you need is love
3.3. Improving communication skills can improve relationshipsImproving communication skills can improve relationships
4.4. You can’t depend on other people to make you happyYou can’t depend on other people to make you happy
5.5. This relationship failed because I haven’t found the right This relationship failed because I haven’t found the right person yetperson yet
6.6. I can’t live without him/herI can’t live without him/her
7.7. It is normal to get so angry that you hit someoneIt is normal to get so angry that you hit someone
8.8. Guys and Girls have the same relationship needsGuys and Girls have the same relationship needs
9.9. You always have to work at a relationship, even if it is You always have to work at a relationship, even if it is healthy onehealthy one
Quick GameQuick Game
Look at your fingernailsLook at your fingernails
Carry a bookCarry a book
Gender Differences?Gender Differences?For #1 & 2, Write down your answers for BOTH genders!For #1 & 2, Write down your answers for BOTH genders!
1.1. What are 4 positives about being a What are 4 positives about being a male/female?male/female?
2.2. What are 4 negatives about being a What are 4 negatives about being a male/female?male/female?
3.3. What does your gender look for when What does your gender look for when developing relationships with the opposite sex?developing relationships with the opposite sex?
4.4. What are some things you would like to know What are some things you would like to know about the opposite gender? about the opposite gender?
5.5. What are some things you would like the What are some things you would like the opposite gender to know about you?opposite gender to know about you?
Differences between relationship Differences between relationship wants of men and womenwants of men and women
What women want….What women want…. Caring and understandingCaring and understanding Respect and devotionRespect and devotion Validation and reassuranceValidation and reassurance
What men want…What men want… Trust and acceptanceTrust and acceptance Appreciation and admirationAppreciation and admiration Approval and encouragement Approval and encouragement
Relationship DefinitionsRelationship DefinitionsRelationshipRelationship::
Bond or connection between two or more Bond or connection between two or more peoplepeople
List some of your relationships in each List some of your relationships in each category:category:
1.1. FamilyFamily2.2. FriendsFriends3.3. PeersPeers4.4. Platonic relationshipsPlatonic relationships5.5. Romantic relationshipRomantic relationship
What is Intimacy?What is Intimacy?
1.1. EmotionalEmotional• A spiritual or emotional connection with someone A spiritual or emotional connection with someone
where you share goals, dreams, fears, hopes where you share goals, dreams, fears, hopes (sibling relationships, parent-child, friends)(sibling relationships, parent-child, friends)
2.2. PhysicalPhysical • A physical connection, usually involving some A physical connection, usually involving some
sort of physical expression between two people sort of physical expression between two people (dating relationships, marriages, committed (dating relationships, marriages, committed couples)couples)
How do we improve our How do we improve our relationships?relationships?
1.1. Practice Assertive Communication SkillsPractice Assertive Communication Skills1.1. Focus on the problem, not the person!Focus on the problem, not the person!
2.2. Accept people for who they areAccept people for who they are• Remember you can’t “change” anyoneRemember you can’t “change” anyone• If you can’t, move onIf you can’t, move on
3.3. Set a good example Set a good example • Be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with!Be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with!
4.4. Be patient / Take a TIME OUTBe patient / Take a TIME OUT• Just because things don’t always go well doesn’t mean the Just because things don’t always go well doesn’t mean the
relationship is doomedrelationship is doomed• Take a TIME OUT if you start getting angry (Don’t make the other Take a TIME OUT if you start getting angry (Don’t make the other
person “lose” so you can “win”person “lose” so you can “win”
5.5. Know when it’s time to move onKnow when it’s time to move on• Sometimes a relationship may never be healthy. Knowing when and Sometimes a relationship may never be healthy. Knowing when and
how to end a relationship is important!how to end a relationship is important!
Positive BehaviorsPositive Behaviors Listening- this is key, it builds most of the restListening- this is key, it builds most of the rest
Trust, Respect & HonestyTrust, Respect & Honesty
Assertive communication Assertive communication including Fighting FAIRLY, no name calling, holding grudges, etcincluding Fighting FAIRLY, no name calling, holding grudges, etc
Genuine Positive commentsGenuine Positive comments Caring behaviorsCaring behaviors Acceptance & Understanding Acceptance & Understanding Laughing & having fun togetherLaughing & having fun together Keeping care/friendship/romance “alive”Keeping care/friendship/romance “alive” Share common valuesShare common values
Negative BehaviorsNegative Behaviors JealousyJealousy Insults/name callingInsults/name calling Getting angry/losing temperGetting angry/losing temper Threatening (self or partner)Threatening (self or partner) Possessiveness/ ControllingPossessiveness/ Controlling Being overly dependantBeing overly dependant Unrealistic expectationsUnrealistic expectations Never pleased with anything you Never pleased with anything you
do (“You always are late, you do (“You always are late, you never call me back” etc)never call me back” etc)
Asks you to do things they are Asks you to do things they are expected to do (chores, expected to do (chores, homework, etc...)homework, etc...)
Makes you feel bad about Makes you feel bad about yourself more often than they yourself more often than they make you feel goodmake you feel good
RED FLAGS: RED FLAGS: Signs of an Signs of an unhealthy relationship:unhealthy relationship:
1.1. Frequent use of anger and guiltFrequent use of anger and guilt
2.2. Intimidation / Threats / EmbarrassmentIntimidation / Threats / Embarrassment
3.3. Minimize, Deny, BlameMinimize, Deny, Blame
4.4. Violence (emotional or physical)Violence (emotional or physical)
5.5. IsolationIsolation
6.6. Drug and alcohol abuseDrug and alcohol abuse
7.7. Sexual coercion/manipulationSexual coercion/manipulation
Teen Dating Violence FactsTeen Dating Violence Facts
1 in 11 teens reported being in a physically 1 in 11 teens reported being in a physically violent relationship last yearviolent relationship last year
1 in 4 report verbal, physical, emotional or 1 in 4 report verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abusesexual abuse Look at Power & Control Wheel Look at Power & Control Wheel
Causing Pain (video link)Causing Pain (video link)
Risk Factors for Teen Dating ViolenceRisk Factors for Teen Dating Violence
Poor communication skillsPoor communication skills Inability to manage angerInability to manage anger Early age of first sexual experienceEarly age of first sexual experience Friends and family members who experience Friends and family members who experience
dating violencedating violence Drug and alcohol useDrug and alcohol use Acceptance of the use of dating violenceAcceptance of the use of dating violence Low self esteemLow self esteem Belief in traditional gender rolesBelief in traditional gender roles
What can we do to help?What can we do to help?
Listen to the victim, let them know you careListen to the victim, let them know you care If comfortable, say something while the behavior If comfortable, say something while the behavior
is happening, like “That is NOT ok!”is happening, like “That is NOT ok!” Ask the person being abused if they want help Ask the person being abused if they want help
or have sought helpor have sought help 866.834.4357 (HELP) – 24/7 hotline866.834.4357 (HELP) – 24/7 hotline http://www.familycrisis.org/ http://www.familycrisis.org/
Ok or No Way Game?Ok or No Way Game?
Can you tell healthy from unhealthy Can you tell healthy from unhealthy behaviors in a relationship?behaviors in a relationship?
Love vs. LustLove vs. Lust ““We” CentredWe” Centred Trust & HonestyTrust & Honesty Few “bad” fightsFew “bad” fights Responsible (birth control, Responsible (birth control,
STD prevention)STD prevention) Private IntimacyPrivate Intimacy Accepts the otherAccepts the other Friendship grows Friendship grows
continuouslycontinuously Good CommunicationGood Communication Grows over timeGrows over time
““Me” CentredMe” Centred Jealousy/SuspicionJealousy/Suspicion Lots of “bad” fightsLots of “bad” fights IrresponsibleIrresponsible Public IntimacyPublic Intimacy Tries to change the Tries to change the
personperson Sexually Based Sexually Based Poor CommunicationPoor Communication Fast relationshipFast relationship
What is Love?What is Love?
Write down your personal views on Write down your personal views on ROMANTIC loveROMANTIC love What are all the characteristics you can think What are all the characteristics you can think
of about love? Be thorough and specificof about love? Be thorough and specific What does love feel like to be in love?What does love feel like to be in love? How do you know it is love?How do you know it is love? Give examples (or non examples) from your Give examples (or non examples) from your
life’s experienceslife’s experiences
Excellent Student Work: What is Excellent Student Work: What is Love?Love?
Love is hard to explain. This is the hardest and simplest Love is hard to explain. This is the hardest and simplest question I have ever been asked; but probably the most question I have ever been asked; but probably the most important!important!
Love is the strongest bond you can have with someone Love is the strongest bond you can have with someone where you know the person so well, maybe even better where you know the person so well, maybe even better than yourself. It’s when you care about their happiness than yourself. It’s when you care about their happiness more than your own. You give everything you have to more than your own. You give everything you have to that person and they give the same.that person and they give the same.
Trust, care, honesty, and getting through the good times Trust, care, honesty, and getting through the good times and the bad is all Love. Love is not wanting to be with and the bad is all Love. Love is not wanting to be with anyone else because you already know you found the anyone else because you already know you found the one that makes you the most happy!one that makes you the most happy!
You bring out the best in each other and you want to You bring out the best in each other and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Love stays spend the rest of your life with this person. Love stays with you forever, it leaves a stain on your heart that you with you forever, it leaves a stain on your heart that you carry along with you long after.carry along with you long after.
Love is WORTH THE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!Love is WORTH THE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you realize???Did you realize??? Dr. Willard Harley discovered we tend to keep Dr. Willard Harley discovered we tend to keep
“track” of we are treated by others and have a “track” of we are treated by others and have a “bank account” of sorts.“bank account” of sorts. For example, accounts go “up” when we are treated For example, accounts go “up” when we are treated
well and go “down” when we are treated poorlywell and go “down” when we are treated poorly
It takes It takes 5-15 POSITIVE 5-15 POSITIVE acts to counter the acts to counter the negative impact of just negative impact of just ONE harmfulONE harmful act or act or statementstatement
See chart next pageSee chart next page
Relationship Bank TransactionsRelationship Bank Transactions
Deposits:Deposits: HumorHumor AppreciationAppreciation Encouragement’Encouragement’ HonestyHonesty GenerosityGenerosity AcceptanceAcceptance TrustTrust Understanding Understanding
WithdrawalsWithdrawals AngerAnger CriticismCriticism SelfishnessSelfishness DishonestyDishonesty DisrespectDisrespect JudgmentJudgment ResentmentResentment Betrayal Betrayal
It’s much easier to maintain a healthy relationship than fix a It’s much easier to maintain a healthy relationship than fix a broken one!broken one!
Ending Relationships: Ending Relationships: Why they endWhy they end
Typical reasons:Typical reasons: Changes in needs, goals, interests or valuesChanges in needs, goals, interests or values Differences in what people want out of the relationshipDifferences in what people want out of the relationship Unmet expectations or personality issuesUnmet expectations or personality issues Differences in sexual desires Differences in sexual desires
TROUBLE SIGNS:TROUBLE SIGNS: One person stops listening or becomes emotionally absentOne person stops listening or becomes emotionally absent Increases in unresolved conflictsIncreases in unresolved conflicts Stop enjoying time togetherStop enjoying time together Feeling the relationship is not worth savingFeeling the relationship is not worth saving ANY physical, sexual or emotional abuseANY physical, sexual or emotional abuse
Breaking Up in a Healthy WayBreaking Up in a Healthy Way 1. Make the decision to end it 1. Make the decision to end it
• Think it through based on what is best for you overallThink it through based on what is best for you overall
2. Prepare for feelings of sadness/loss &2. Prepare for feelings of sadness/loss &• Don’t let uncomfortable feelings over the breakup prevent you Don’t let uncomfortable feelings over the breakup prevent you
from doing what is right for youfrom doing what is right for you
3. Choose a neutral location3. Choose a neutral location• Meet up so both people arrive and leave separatelyMeet up so both people arrive and leave separately
4. Explain your reasons4. Explain your reasons• Let them know where you are coming fromLet them know where you are coming from
5. Make the end final 5. Make the end final • don’t go back because you are lonely, guilty, etcdon’t go back because you are lonely, guilty, etc
6. Develop your other relationships6. Develop your other relationships
Case Study on BreakupsCase Study on Breakups
Chris is a serious student who hopes to get an academic Chris is a serious student who hopes to get an academic scholarship at a top-ranked college and has been dating Jesse scholarship at a top-ranked college and has been dating Jesse for almost a year. for almost a year.
Jesse is very interested in Chris and having a good time with Jesse is very interested in Chris and having a good time with friends. Jesse usually studies the night before an exam (if at friends. Jesse usually studies the night before an exam (if at all) and is happy with a C average in school. Jesse plans to get all) and is happy with a C average in school. Jesse plans to get a job after high school. a job after high school.
Lately, Chris & Jesse have had a bunch of fights over school, Lately, Chris & Jesse have had a bunch of fights over school, grades and how they spend their time. Chris cares about grades and how they spend their time. Chris cares about Jesse and wants Jesse to go to college. Jesse wants Chris to Jesse and wants Jesse to go to college. Jesse wants Chris to just “relax” about school. After a long night of talking about the just “relax” about school. After a long night of talking about the future and their goals, Chris realizes that the relationship with future and their goals, Chris realizes that the relationship with Jesse should end.Jesse should end.
Case Study: QuestionsCase Study: Questions
What signs exist that show the relationship is in What signs exist that show the relationship is in trouble?trouble?
Why does Chris want to end the relationship?Why does Chris want to end the relationship? How should it be ended?How should it be ended? What should Jesse do after the relationship is What should Jesse do after the relationship is
over?over?
Key PointsKey Points
It’s easier to maintain a healthy relationship than It’s easier to maintain a healthy relationship than to fix a broken one.to fix a broken one.
Healthy relationships make you feel good!Healthy relationships make you feel good!
It’s ok to end a negative relationship!It’s ok to end a negative relationship!
YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL in all YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL in all relationships!relationships!
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