problem teenage behaviour · all of the above culminate into one key reason why many teenagers want...

Problem Teenage Behaviour: Parent Guide by Chris Hudson

© 2015 by Christopher Hudson. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any written, electronic, recording, or photocopying without written permission of the publisher or author. The exception would be in the case of brief quotations embodied in the critical articles or reviews and pages where permission is specifically granted by the publisher or author.

Although every precaution has been taken to verify the accuracy of the information contained herein, the author assumes no responsibility for any errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for damages that may result from the use of information contained within.

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Contents

Introduction 2 1. Endless Arguing 3 2. Persistent Lying 6 3. Blatant Defiance 9 4. Squabbling Siblings 13 5. Angry Outbursts 16 6. No Motivation 19 7. Technology Addict 23 8. Final Word (for parents) 27

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Introduction

WelcometotheUnderstandingTeenagersParentsGuideforProblemTeenageBehaviour.ThisguideisacollectionofresponsestothemostcommonbehaviorquestionsIreceivefromparentsofteenagers.Itprovidessimplestrategiesanyparentcanimplementtohelpmanageandreducetheoccurrenceofcommonteenagebehaviourproblems.Eachchapterfocusesonaspecificbehaviour.Thechaptersarebrokenupinto3sectionsoutlinedbelow:

WhatisGoingOn?Onthebasisthatunderstandingisempowering,eachchaptertriestoprovideinsightintoteenagebehaviorandwhatismotivatingteenstobehavethewaytheydo.WhatCanParentsDo?Thesecondhalfofeachchapteroutlinessomestrategiesparentscanemploytohelpmanageteenagebehavior.SummaryAttheendofeachchapterisasimplesummarytouseasaquickreferenceguide.

Thefinalchapterinthebookprovidessomeotherimportanttipsthatareessentialifyouwanttoachievelastingchangeinyourteenager’sbehaviour.Ihopeyoufindithelpful.

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Endless Arguments

Chapter 1

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What is Going On? Itisawell-establishedfactthatconflictwithinhouseholdsincreasesduringtheteenageyears,particularlyintheearlyteenageyears.Whileeachsituationisdifferentandeveryfamilyhasitsownuniquedynamics,thereafewcommonprocessesofadolescencethatcontributetoanincreaseinconflict.DesiringIndependenceAsteensgetoldertheynaturallywanttoexpandtheirboundaries.Argumentsoccurwhenparentsandteensoftendisagreeaboutthenatureandtimingoftheseboundaryexpansions.Itisagoodsignthatwhenteenagersarepushingformoreindependence.Whatisnotsogoodistheirinabilitytoworkoutwhattheycanandcan’thandle,combinedwiththeirneedtofightabouteverysingleissuealongtheway.EmotionalAutonomyItsoundsfancy,butitjustmeansteensareseekingtodisengagefromtheemotionaldependenceontheirparentsthatmarkedtheirchildhood.Inthisprocessparentscanbecomede-idolisedintheeyesoftheteenagers.Thisprocesscanbequitepainfulforbothteenandparent,soitnosurprisethattemperscanflare.Thetrickforparentsisnotallowingyourteen’sneedtomoveonfromchildhoodtomakeyourlifeonelongargument.LearningToThinkAsteenagersmovethroughpubertytheyalsodevelopincreasedabilitytothinklogicallyandcritically.Aswithmostnewskills,

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theyarekeentopracticeandshowofftheirimprovingarguingabilities.Unfortunately,parentsaretheprimetestingground.DemonstrationofPowerAlloftheaboveculminateintoonekeyreasonwhymanyteenagerswanttoarguewithparentsallthetime–POWER.Alongwithindependenceteenagersaresearchingforsignificance.Gettingintoanargument,especiallywithaparent,givesteensarealsenseofbeingsignificant.Itdoesn’tevenreallymatterdeepdowntoateenageriftheywintheargumentornot.Theygetsatisfactionmerelyinengagingaparentintheargumentinthefirstplace.Whenateengetsaresponsefromaparentitisademonstrationoftheirability,orpower,toaffectasituationandapersonwhotheyseeasalreadyhavingpower.Enteringintoanargumentwithanadultisawayteenagersmakethemselvesfeeljustaspowerfulasanadult.Duringanargumentateenbecomesanadult’sequalintermsofhavingpower.What Can Parents Do? Whenitcomestoteenswhoarealwaysarguing,thelessismoreprincipleiskey.Parentsjustneedtochoosenottoarguewiththeirteenandabigpartoftheproblemgoesaway.Itisnotashardasitsounds,really!Don’tArgueWithTeenagers!IfIwastohavealistofcardinalrulesaboutlivingandworkingwithteenagersthiswouldbeonit–Don’targuewithteenagers.

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Andbeforeyousay“whatchoicedoIhave?”rememberittakestwotohaveanargument.Alladultsarefreenottoarguewithteenagers.Asabareminimumjustsaynothing–argumentavoided.Forsomereasonmanyparentsseemcompelledtoignorethissimpletruthandenterheadlongintoargumentswiththeirteens.Ifthisisyou,thenSTOP.Today.Rightnow.Saytoyourselfrepeatedly,“Iwillnotarguewithmyteenager!”Hereisthesimpletruth,assoonasyoustarttoarguewithyourteenageryouhaveputyourselfintoapowerstruggle.Andthemerefactthatyoutheparenthavechosentoenterintosuchastrugglewithyourteenmeansthatyouhavealreadylost,nomatterwhattheoutcome.Bygettingyouintoanargumentyourteenagerhasdemonstratedtheyhavepowertoinfluenceandmanipulateyourbehavior.Yourauthorityisdiminishedintheireyes,irrespectiveoftheoutcome.Saytoyourselfrepeatedly,“Iwillnotarguewithmyteenager.”WhattodoInsteadofArguingStateupfrontyouarenotgoingtoarguewiththem.Assoonasyouseethemstartposturinginpreparednessforanargument,say

“Thisisnotupfordebate,andIamnotarguingwithyou.”If,asiscommonlythecase,theimpendingdisputeisaboutadecisionyouhavemadetheninsteadofarguinggiveyourteenagerachoice:

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SummaryEndless Arguments

What is Going On?

Ü DesiringIndependence

Ü MoreEmotionallyAutonomous

Ü LearningToThink

Ü DemonstrationofPower

What Can Parents Do?

Ü Don’tArgueWithTeenagers!

Ü WhattodoInsteadofArguing

Ü ReduceReasonsForArguments

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“Youcaneitherdo(actionA)and(explainconsequence)oryoucando(actionb)and(explainconsequenceofactionb).Thatisyourchoice,itisuptoyou”

Thenwalkaway.Makesuretofollowupwithyourteenlatertocheckiftheyhadsomethingtheywantedto“discuss”inacalmandrationalmanner.ReduceReasonsForArgumentsPreventionisbetterthancuretheysay.Thebestwaytopreventargumentsistoproactivelydealwithcommonsituationsthatcauseargumentsbeforetheyarise.Thismeansyouneedtohaveclearagreementsandboundariesestablishedwithyourteenthatoutlinewhatisrequiredandwhattheconsequencesareiftherequiredactionsaren’tcarriedout.Ifargumentsoccuraboutchoresnotbeingdoneoraccesstophonesandcomputersthenestablishclearagreementsandguidelineswithyourteenabouttheseissuesinadvance.Youandyourteenneedtoagreeonwhatisreasonable,whattheyareresponsibletodo,andagreeonwhattheconsequenceswillbeifyourteenbreachestheagreementorboundary.Thiswaythereisnoargumenttohaveatthetime,yousimplysaytoyourteen“youknowthedeal.Weagreedthisiswhatistohappen.”Aswithanytimeyouuseconsequencesasaparentmakesureyoufollowthroughonthem.

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Persistent Lying

Chapter 2

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What is Going On? Lyingisnotuniquetoteenagers,buttherecanbeasignificantincreaseinthedeceptivebehavioranddishonestyduringtheteenyears.Parentsneedtounderstandateen’sincreasedneedforprivacy,butthisshouldnotexcuselying.AvoidingGettinginTroubleThisoneisnotsurprising,wehavealldoneit;toldalietoavoidpunishment.Oneofthemostcommonreasonsteenagerslieistoavoidgettingintotrouble.Thekeyfactorsthatinfluenceteenslyingtoavoidgettingintotroublearethequalityofrelationshipthatexistswiththeirparents,andthetypeofdisciplineparentshandout.Ifyouhaveahealthyrelationshipwithyourteenandrespondtomisbehaviorwithfairnessandreasonableness,yourteenwillbemorewillingtocomethroughwiththetruthwhentheystuffup.PreventingDisappointmentSomewhatsurprisinglytheothercommonreasonsteenagerslieisbecausetheyarescaredofdisappointingtheirparents.Worriedthatthetruthwilleithercauseaparenttoworryorresultinaparent’sdisapproval,teenagerswillchoosetosaywhattheythinkparentswanttohearratherthanthetruth.Notwantingtoletparentsdowncanbeabiggermotivationtoliethanavoidingpunishment.Let’sfaceit,punishmentisoveronceyouhavedoneyourtime,butlosingyourparent’srespectortrustcantakealotlongertogetback.

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SocialStandingItishardtooverstatetheimportanceofpeergroupstoateenager.Theirsocialstandingamongstpeersisthemostvaluableandtreasuredassettheypossess.Thevalueofmaintaining,ornotrisking,standingamongstpeerswillsometimesbeconsideredhigherthantellingthetruthtoparents.Thepullfromfriendstomaintainappearancesorparticipateinsharedexperiencescanbegreaterthanthepullofhavingintegritywithparents.Mostteenagersunderstandtherisksassociatedwithlyingtoparents,buttheymakethechoicetodosobecausetheriskposedtotheirpeerrelationshipsbynotlyingisgreater.Socialmediahasalsomadelyingtoparentsameansofgainingpeerapproval.Teensthinkofacleveroroutrageouslie,convincetheirparentsofit,thenbragtotheirfollowersonsocialmediahowsmartandcunningtheyarebygettingtheirparentstobelievethelie.PoorCommunicationTeenagerswillliewhentheydon’tbelieveparentswillgivethemafairhearingorrespecttheirpointofview.Ifteenagersgoanddosomethingtheyknowwillbedispleasingtotheirparents,theydosonottocauseoffensebutbecausetheybelievethereisnopointdiscussingitastheywillbeignored.Thereasontheythenlieaboutdoingitisthesamereasontheydiditinthefirstplace;theythinkwhattheydidwasreasonableandbelievetheirparentswon’tlistentothem.

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Thiscauseisthequalityofparentteenrelationshipandthefairnessofparentaldiscipline.ExerciseControlLieshelpteenagerscreateasocialspacethatisentirelytheirs.Itisaspacewheretheyarecompletelyincontrol.Havingasenseofcontrolisimportantforteenagersdevelopingasenseofautonomy.Teensneedtofeeltheyareabletohandlelifebythemselves.Tellingparentsorotheradultsabouttheissuestheydealwithisanadmissiontheyareunabletomanagelifebythemselves.Someofthelies,orfailurestodisclosethetruthtoparents,include;amountofschoolwork/homework,schoolyardactivityyourteenwillcommonlywitness,cheating,bullying,vandalism,name-callingetc.,thestateoftheirlovelife,financialproblems,andothertypesofpersonalissues.What Can Parents Do?

Thebestwaytodealwithteenagelyingistocreateanenvironmentwhereyourteenisencouragedtobehonest,oratleastnotdishonest.Thiscanbeeasiersaidthandone,butherearesomeplacestostart.StayConnectedYourteen’sdegreeofhonestymayreflectonyourabilitytocommunicateopenlywithyourteen.Honestconversationsbetweenparentsandteenagersaren’t

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alwayseasy,andwillsometimescovergroundthatcanmakeparentsuncomfortable.Itsoundsgreattohaverealopenandhonestcommunicationwithyourteenager,butthiscanactuallycreatesomestickyissuesattimes.Mostsolutionsbelowassumeyouhavearelationshipwithyourteenwhereyoucancommunicateandtalktothemcalmlywhenrequired.Ifyourrelationshipisnotlikethisatpresentthenyourfirststepistoreconnectwithyourteenandstartrebuildingtherelationship.BeFair&ReasonableTeenswillbemorelikelytolieiftheyareusetoexperiencingoverlyharshorunfairpunishmentsfromparents.Manyparentsbelievetheyaredoingtheirkidsafavourbybeingoverlystrictanddishingoutseverepunishmentstotheirteens.Unfortunately,thisisfarfromthetruth,justaslaxparentingcanharmkids,harshoverzealousparentingwillalsoharmteensanddriveawedgeintheirrelationshipwiththeirparentsthatcanlastalifetime.Agoodtestofyourreasonablenessishowwillyoudealwiththelying.Thereshouldbeconsequencesforlying,especiallyrepeatedlying,butmoderationandproportionalityarealsoimportanttoencouragetruthfulness.PayAttentionToWhatTeensLieAboutQuiteoften,thekeytounderstandingwhyyourteenagerislyingcanbefoundinthelieitself.Ifyourteenisgenerallyhonestinotherareasoflifebutconstantlyliesaboutaparticularissue,thenitsuggestssomethingisgoingoninaparticularareaoflifethatistroublingthem.Thewayforwardistocalmlyandgentlyraiseyourconcerns

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withyourteenaboutthelyingbutthenaskifthereisanythingwrongtheywouldliketotalkabout.Theywillbeunlikelytodivulgemuchatfirst,soyouwillneedtopersist(butdosocalmly).Assureyourteenyoucangetpastthelying,andwouldreallyliketohelpwithwhatevertheissuereallyis.Ofcourse,thisonlyworksifyoustaycalmanddonothaveahistoryofoverreactingwhenyourkidsdisclosesomethingunpleasant.Negotiate,Negotiate,NegotiateIfateenbelievesthatyouasaparentwillnevercompromise,meetthemhalfway,orevenlistentowhattheyhavetosay,theywillgiveuptrying,feelinglikethereisnopoint.Similarly,bewillingtogiveyourteenmoretrustandresponsibilitywhentheyaskorhaveearnedit.Whenyourteenagerseesyouarewillingtogivemorefreedomtheyareunlikelytofeeltheneedtolietoyouasmuch.AvoidAngryInterrogationsGettingangryisaninescapablepartofparenting.Howyouchoosetoexpressandmanageyourangerisentirelyyourdecision.Whenitcomestogettingthetruthoutofyourteenager,anger-riddeninterrogationisrarelythemosteffectivemethod.Itisperfectlynormaltogetangrywhenyourealizeyourteenagerislyingtoyou.Byallmeansbeangry,butdon’tuseyourteenagerasameansofgettingyourangerout.Theresultswillbeyelling,doorslammingandanincreasedlikelihoodyourteenwillbecomemorestubborn,moresecretiveandmorepronetodeception.

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Summary

Persistent Lying

What is Going On?

Ü AvoidingGettinginTrouble

Ü PreventingDisappointment

Ü SocialStanding

Ü PoorCommunication

Ü ExerciseControl

What Can Parents Do?

Ü StayConnected

Ü BeFair&Reasonable

Ü PayAttentionToWhatTeensLieAbout

Ü Negotiate,Negotiate,Negotiate

Ü AvoidAngryInterrogations

Blatant Defiance

Chapter 3

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What is Going On?

Defiantteenagerscausesomeofthebiggestupheavalstofamilies.Parentsareleftfeelingdisrespectedandhelpless,whiletheteenagerbecomesincreasinglynon-responsiveandbelligerent.Manyparentsfeelliketheyrisklosingtheirrelationshipwiththeirteenentirelyiftheypushtoohardorrunoutofenergycausedbytheconstantfighting.Thereishope.TeenagersAreDesignedtoOpposeYouThegoodnewsisit'snotyou.Althoughyouarenotperfect,it’sunlikelyyouaretheprinceofdarknessandengagedinacosmicconspiracytodestroyyouradolescent'slife.Thetruthisteenagersaredesignedtoopposetheirparents.Itistheirdestiny.Yourteenagerhatesbecausetheyneedtoinordertoaccomplishtheirultimateplan–tobeanadult.Mostteenagerswhosaytheyhatetheirparentsdon’treally.Atcertainmomentstheyfeelintensedisliketowardsyou,butthisisbecauseatthatmomenttheyperceiveyouasanobstacleorthreattothembeingwhotheywanttobe.Adolescenceisallaboutteenagersfindingtheirownidentitywithoutthechildhooddependenceonparents.Thisprocessofdiscoveryisnoteasyandinvolvesteenagerspushingupagainstestablishedboundaries.Theirnaturalquestforautonomy(selfrule)drivesthemtochallengeexistingsourcesofauthority,namelyparents.

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AnOverdevelopedSenseofJusticeOftenteenagerswilldefytheirparentsasanactofrevenge.Theactionsandwordsaredesignedtohurtyou.Ifyourteenagerfeelshurt,betrayed,orunfairlytreatedbyyoutheirnaturalinstinctcanbetolashoutinanattempttohurtyouinretaliation.Nowateenager’ssenseofwhatisrightandjustmaybestrong,butisnotalwaysaccurate.Developmentallytheyarestilllearninghowlifeworksandoftengetthingsalittleoutofperspective.Teenswilloftenfeelyouarethe“mostunfair”personintheworldevenwhenyouaremakinganentirelyrationalandsensibledecision.LookingForaResponseAllmisbehaviorhasagoal,andinthecaseofdefyingaparent’sdirective,ateen’sgoalisoftentogetaresponsefromtheparent.Areactionfromyou,evenifitisanegativeone,isstillaresponse.Forsometeens,anytypeofparentalfocusonthemisvaluableattentionthattheybelievetheyneedasitgivesthemafeelingofsignificanceandimportance.What Can Parents Do?

Don’tgiveup,thatisthenumberonethingparentsneedtodointhefaceofdefiance.Thisdoesn’tmeanyoufightwithyourteen,infactyouneedtodotheopposite,butyouhavetosetacourseandsticktoit.Itisthestickingtoitthatishard;defiantteenagershaveawayofdrainingaparent’swilltogoon.Butgoonyoumust!

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RememberWhatIsHappeningPerspectiveisamarvelousthing.Onewayofdealingwiththedefiance,tirades,andattitudeistoseeitforwhatitis.Thisisyourteenagergrowingupandwantingtoexerttheirindependence.Theyneedtochallengeyou,butyoudon'thavetoletitbecomeabattle.Theiremotionswillfadeandtheywillcalmdown.Learninghowtonegotiate,statewhattheywantandfindcompromisesareimportantskillsforthemtodevelop.Yes,itcanbeveryhurtfulandworrying,butdon’tescalatethesituationbyrespondinginthemomentbasedonhurtfeelings.Allthisdoesisreinforcetoyourteenthatsuchbehaviorisjustified.ChooseToStayCalm

Itisbadenoughifyourteenisirrationalandagitated,thingswillonlygetworseifparentsstartactingthesameway.Teenagersarestilllearningtomanagetheiremotions.Expectingthemtostaycalmorrespondrationallyisnotreallyaneffectivestrategy.Adultshoweverarebetterequippedtomanageemotions.Beawareofhowyouarerespondingphysically.Ifyourbreathingisgettingshallowpauseandtakesomedeepbreathes.Ifyouhearyourvoicegettinglouderoryoufeellikeyellingdeliberatelyfocusonspeakingslowlyandquietly.Ifyoucanfeelyourmusclestightening,relaxyourlimbsandtakeamomentbeforeyouspeak.OfferYourTeenaChoice

Stayingcalmdoesn’tmeandoingnothing.Yourteenagerneedstounderstandthatyousetlimitsforareasonandthereforethere’saconsequencesiftheboundariesarebroken.

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Ifyourteenisdeterminedtodefyyou,thenyouneedtocalmlypointouttoyourteentheyaremakingachoiceandchoiceshaveconsequences.Sowhileremainingcalmyousaytoyourteensomethinglike:

“Ihearwhatyouaresaying,andIhavemademydecision.Youcaneither(outlinechoicetofollowyourinstruction)and(consequenceofcompliance)oryoucan(outlinechoicetodefyyou)and(consequenceofdefyingyou).Ican’tmakeyoudoeither,thechoiceisyours.”Thenwalkway.

Aspecificexamplemightgosomethinglike:

“Ihearwhatyouaresaying,andIhavemademydecision;Youcaneitherarrangetobehomeby10:30tonightandcontinuetohaveaccesstomycar,oryoucanchoosetostayoutlaterthan10:30andloseaccesstothecarforthenext2weeks.Thechoiceisyours.”Thenwalkaway.

Aswithallconsequencesyouhavetofollowthroughforittobeeffective.Thisdoesn’tworkovernight.Butifusedrepeatedlyoverweeksandmonths,andconsequencesareenforced,thedefiancelevelinyourteenagerwillreduce.Hanginthere;itwillbeworththeeffort.FollowUpLaterYourteenagerneedstolearnthatbeinghurtordisappointedisn’tanexcusetohurtothers.

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Forthisreasonyourteenneedstounderstandthattalkingtoyoulikethatandmakingsuchthreatsisnotthewaytodealwithissues.Later,wheneveryoneiscalm,youwillneedtotalktoyourteenabouttheoutburst,andletthemknowthatyouunderstandtheywereupsetanddisappointedbutyouwerenotokaywiththewaytheychosetodealwiththings.Duringtheseconversations,itisgoodtotryanddo2things:Discoverwhatitwasspecificallythatmadeyourteensoupsetortheyconsideredtobesounfair,asthiswillgiveyougreaterinsightintowhatisimportanttothem.Trytoexplorewiththemotherwaystheycandealwiththeirhurtanddisappointmentinthefuture.OwnUp

Ifyouhavetreatedyourteenagerunfairlythenownuptoitandapologize.Don’tdosointheheatofthemoment,asthatjustrewardsthebehavior,butinacalmermomentdiscusswhyyourteenfeltsohurtbyyouoryourdecisionandifinthecoollightofdayyoucanseeyoumayhavebeenunfair.Thensaysorryandcommittoactingdifferentlyinthefuture.

Summary

Blatant Defiance What is Going On?

Ü DesignedtoOppose

Ü SenseofJustice

Ü LookingforaResponse

What Can Parents Do?

Ü RememberWhatisHappening

Ü ChoosetoStayCalm

Ü OfferYourTeenaChoice

Ü FollowUpLater

Ü OwnUp

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Squabbling Siblings

Chapter 4

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What is Going On?

Teenagesiblingswillfightaboutanything,especiallyiftheyareallinabadmoodatthesametime.However,therearesomeissuesthatratesignificantlyhigheronthelistofcausesofanintersiblingsquabbleslist.PersonalSpaceResearchhasshownthatthemostcommoncauseoffightingbetweenteenagesiblingsisduetoissuesofpersonalspaceandprivacy.Argumentsarecommonlyaboutborrowingwithoutpermission,notrespectingphysicalprivacy,listeninginorreadingprivatecommunication,copyingwhattheotherdoes,andbeingfollowedaroundbyanother.FairnessTheothermostcommonreasonteenswillfightwiththeirbrothersandsistersisoverissuesoffairness,ormorespecificallyissuesofinequality.Fightsfrequentlyeruptoverwhodetermineswhattelevisionshowstowatch,timespentinthebathroom,doingafairshareofhouseholdchores,beinggrantedsmallprivilegesmoreoftenthanothers,andnotwaitingortakingturnsingeneral.SiblingRivalryIfteenagersfeelthatonesiblingreceivesmoreattentionfromparents,theymightactupinordertogetnoticed.Competingwitheachotherforparentalattentioncanleadtoalltypesofarguments.Anothercommonsourceofsiblingrivalryisjealousy.Whenonegrowstoresentorenvyanothersibling'stalents,possessions,friends,orevenperceivedstatuswithparentstheyareinclinedtolashoutinangryorspitefulbursts.

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CabinFeverJustspendingtoomuchtimeinthesameplacewithnothingconstructivetodowilloftenproducesomesortofspontaneousspat.Thetemptationtostirorprovokeasiblingcanbehardforsometeenstoresistatthebestoftimes.Itisvirtuallyimpossiblewhentheyarebored.AndIdon’tknowanyonewhodoesn’tgetedgyaftersittingnexttosomeoneinclosequartersforlongperiods.What Can Parents Do?

Thearttomanagingfightingsiblingsistodosowithoutbeingseentointervene.Themoreteenagerslearntosolvetheirownissues,thebetterresultinthelongrun.Yourfocusasaparentistoworkonwhatnottodoasmuchasitneedstobeonwhattoputinplace.DoNotIntervene

Don’tinterveneunlessyoureallyhaveto!Learninghowtoresolveissuesamongstsiblingsassistsinthedevelopmentofimportantrelationalskills.Learninghowtoresolveconflict,negotiate,compromise,andexpressanopinionareallskillsteenslearnfromfamilysquabbles.Ifparentsalwaysintervene,notonlydoteensmissoutondevelopingtheirrelationshipskills,theyalsolearnthatfightingisawayofgettingattention.Therearetimeswhenyouwillneedtointervenesuchasifthingslooklikebecomingphysicallyoremotionallyviolent,orthingsareescalatingbeyondthepointofnoreturn.Inmostinstances,itisbettertolimittheinterventiontoseparatingthewarringpartiesforasetperiodandletthemresumethe“discussion”later–ifstillrequired.

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DoNotAsk,“WhoStartedIt?”Nothinggoodcancomefromaskingthisquestion.Hasanychildorteenagerrespondedtothatquestionwith“Itwasme,Istartedit”?Ifbysomechanceasiblingdoesownup,wheredoesthatleavetheparentwhoasked?Conflictscanbecausedbyperfectlyinnocentactsortheycanarisefromplannedactsofaggression;instigationdoesn’tequalguilt.Theonlythingachievedbyasking,“Whostartedit?”isachorusofaccusationandcounteraccusation.

DoNotTakeSides

Itisimportantthatparentsstayneutralinintersiblingarguments.Evenifyouagreewithonepartymorethanyouagreewiththeother,trytoremainunbiasedinhowyoudealwitheachsibling.Ifyouareperceivedtobefavoringoneoveranother,youriskfurtherescalationoftheconflict.

DoNotCompareSiblingsMakingcommentscomparingonesiblingtoanotherwillonlyincreaselevelsofanimosityandjealousy.Manyparentsdoitwithoutmeaningto;“Whycan’tyoubemorelikeyourbrother?”or“Yoursisterneverdoesthat”caneasilyslipout.Makeeveryefforttotreateachsiblingasanindividualandaccepthisorherdifferences.SetTheGroundRulesEachhouseshouldhaveclearrulesaboutwhatisneverokayduringanargument.Howyouphraseitisuptoyou,buttheminimumrulesshouldbealongthelinesof:

• Nophysicalviolenceofanysort–ever!• Threatsofharmordamagearenotallowed

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• NonamecallingorpersonalinsultsSharetheConsequencesIfthefightingbreaksthegroundrules,orisjustconstantandexcessive,warnallinvolvedofpossibleconsequences,i.e.lossofprivilegesorextrachores,ifthefightingcontinues.Whenthefightingdoescontinuemakesureallinvolvedsuffersomeconsequence.Thiswayeachoftheteensinvolvedwillhaveaninterestnexttimeinwalkingawayfromapotentialfight.SeparateCorners

Whenyoudoneedtointerveneandtalktoyourteenagers,dosowitheachofthemindividuallyinprivate.Giveeachofthemtheopportunitytospeaktoyouwithoutinterruptionfromothers.Whenyoutalktoeachofyourteensdon'ttrytosolvetheirdifferencesforthem,focusinsteadonencouragingthemtosortouttheirowndifferences.Foryoungerteensthismightmeangivingveryspecificsuggestionsaboutwhattheycouldsayordo.ProvideSpace

Trytohaveplacesinthehomethateachteencanconsidertheirownspace.Ideallythisistheirownbedroom,butifthatisnotpossible,allowthemtohaveapartofthehouseforaperiodfreefrominterruptionordistraction.Justkeepingthemoutofeachother’shairwillgoalongwaytokeepingthepeace.SpendTimeTogetherWithAllYourKidsResearchhasfoundthatwhenparentsspendtimewiththeirteenagerstogethertherelationshipbetweensiblingshaslessconflict.Teensbenefitfromhavingtimewitheachotherinthecompanyoftheirparents.

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Thisisnotanimmediatesolutiontoacurrentconflict,butitworkstowardsamoreharmoniousclimatewithinthefamily.Givingeachofyourteensequalamountsofattentionandaffectionwillreducerivalryandtheneedtoseekyourattention.

Summary

Squabbling Siblings What is Going On?

Ü PersonalSpace

Ü Fairness

Ü SiblingRivalry

Ü CabinFever

What Can Parents Do?

Ü DoNotAskWhoStartedIt

Ü DoNotIntervene

Ü DoNotTakeSides

Ü DoNotCompareSiblings

Ü SettheGroundRules

Ü SharetheConsequences

Ü SeparateCorners

Ü ProvideSpace

Ü SpendTimeTogetherWithYourKids

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Angry Outbursts

Chapter 5

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What is Going On?

Adolescencewasoncecharacterizedasatimeof“storm&stress”.Thesedaysthereisamoreholisticunderstanding,buttherecanstillbeplentyofstormsintheformofteenagetempertantrums,whichcausestressforplentyofparents.Differentpersonalitiesdealwithangerdifferently.Inthischapterweareonlyfocusedonteenagerswhoexpresstheirangerinaloudandaggressivemanner.TheTeenageBrainEventhoughtheycanlookandsoundlikeadults,theteenagebrainisfarfromfullymature.Theteenagebrainundergoesamassivereorganizationthroughoutadolescence.Oneoftheconsequencesofthisisthepartofthebrainresponsibleforemotiondevelopsatadifferentratetootherpartsofthebrainthatareresponsibleforthoughtthatismorerational.Teensfeelthingsstrongly,anditcantakesometimeforthemtolearnhowtomanagethesestrongemotions.Inshort,teensarehardwiredtorespondemotionallytotheworldaroundthem,andthatincludesbeingangry.FrustratedAboutLifeAsteenagersgetolder,theirsocialworldsbecomemorecomplex,moreconfusing,andfarmoreimportantthaneverbefore.Astheirawarenessofotherpeoplegrowssodoesthefearofbeingaccepted.Beingconsciousofpersonaldifferencesbecomesarealissueformostteens.

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Formanyteens,workingthroughtherelationalmazeofadolescencecanbeoverwhelming.Teenagersallowalltheconfusionandlackofcontrolassociatedwiththerelationalangstbuildupbuttheydon’tdareletitshowinpublic.ThismeanshomecanbetheonlyplacewhereitallcomesoutItisnotjustsocialandrelationalissuesteenscanfeelfrustratedabout.Thenaggingdesiretobemoreindependentandtohavemorefreedomcanalsocausesignificantinternalfrustrationforteenagers;frustrationthattheyonlyknowhowtoexpressasanger.DisappointedWithParentsAsdiscussedearlier(TeenagerHatesYou)partofgrowingupistheneedforteenagerstoseparatethemselvesfromtheirparentsemotionally.Thisemotionalautonomycantriggeradegreeofdisappointmentandanimositytowardsparentsasteenagersrealisethattheirparentsaren’tperfectoranidealtobeaspiredto.Thisdynamicisexacerbatedifparentstreattheirteensharshly,trytobeoverlycontrolling,orareperceivedtobeunfairordismissiveoftheirteenager.AnnoyedAboutNotGettingWhatTheyWantThereisatheorythatangerisrarelytherealemotion,butratheristhetipofemotionaliceberg.Thatis,angeristhefirstfeelingfeltandexpressed,butunderneaththereisusuallyamoreprofoundemotionalresponsesuchassadness,fear,lossetc.WhileIdon’tthinkthetheoryalwaysholdstrue,therearedefinitelytimeswhenteenageangerisreallyanexpressionof

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disappointmentandfrustrationatmissingoutonsomethingimportanttothem.Underneaththeangryoutburst,usuallyfocusedontheparent,areotherfeelingsrelatedtonotbeingincontrol,fearofmissingoutorsocialloss,andsometimesitcouldthelossofacovetedpossessionorexperience.Thisdoesn’tmakethemrightandyouwrong,noristheircausenecessarilyjust.Butratheritexplainshowangercandistractandconfuseteenagersandparentsfromtherealissueathand.RighteousAngerSometimesteenagersgetangrybecausetheyseegenuineinjusticeorexperiencegenuinehurt.Angerisanormalhumanemotion,iffactitisasignofemotionalhealthforsomeonetoexperienceanger.Aswithallemotion,angerisnottheproblem,itishowyourteenageractswhenangrythatcanbetheproblem.Inthiscaseteensneedhelptounderstandhowtomanagetheiremotions.What Can Parents Do? Thekeytodealingwithteenageangerisnottofeeditorbepartofallowingittoescalate.Yourmainroleasaparentistohelpyourteencalmdownandstaycalm.Sometimesthatmeansyouneedtonotbearound.StayCalmTheworstthingtodowhenyourteenhasanangryoutburstistohaveonerightbackatthem.Thiswillonlyresultinwhatmighthavebeenaminorconflictbecomingsomethinglargerandincreasingthechanceofsomerealdamagebeingdone.

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Italsosendsamessagetoyourteenthatloudaggressiveexpressionsofangerareokay.Ofcourse,thisiseasiertosaythantodo,butyouneedtodowhateveryouhavetoavoidmirroringyourteenager’sbehavior.Walkingawayisaperfectlyacceptablemeansofdoingthis.Behonestwithyourteenandsayyouwillcontinuetheconversationlaterwheyyouarebothfeelingcalmer.Don’tGetPhysicalAsafollowonoftheabovepoint,atnopointshouldyourespondtoteenageangerandaggressionbygettingphysicalwithyourteen.Itmodelstothemthatphysicalforceishowyougetwhatyouwant,butmoreimmediatelyitpresentsaveryrealriskofthesituationescalatingquicklyandpeoplegettinghurt.Ifyouarefeelinglikegettingphysicalwithyourteen,walkaway.HighlighttheImpactofTheirAngerLetyourteenknowthatyoufindithardtocommunicatewiththemwhentheyareshoutingandbeingaggressive.Phraseslike“Ican’ttalktoyouwhenyouareyellingatme”or“Screamingandthreateningmedoesn’tmakemeinclinedtowanttohelpyou.”Atthispointyougiveyourteenachoiceiftheyareunabletocalmdownyouwillwalkawayandtheconversationwillcontinuelater,oriftheycanreignintheiraggressionandcalmdownyouarewillingtolistentowhattheyhavetosay.Don’tTryToReasonWithAnAngryTeenagerFurthertothepointabove,thereisnopointtryingtoreasonor

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winanargumentwithanangryteen.Remember–NeverArguewithTeenagers!Pointingoutflawsintheirpointofview,ordisagreeingwiththebasisfortheirindignationwilldonothingexceptinflametheirangerevenfurther.Thismightmeanlettingyourteenhavethelastwordsometimes.Thatisokay.Letthemhavethelastwordinthatconversation.Youropportunitytohavethefinalsayinthemattercancomelaterwheneveryonehascalmeddown.TeachTeensHowtoManagetheirAngerIncalmermoments,whenyouandyourteenarefeelinglessagitatedandtheissuesrelatingtotheangeraren’tsimmering,taketimetotalktoyourteenabouthowtheycanmangetheiranger.Firstkeymessagetogetacrosstoyourteenageristhatthereisnothingwrongwithfeelingangry.Infact,angerisasignyourteenageractuallycaresaboutwhatishappeningaroundthem.Helpyourteentounderstandwhattheirtriggersare.Getyourteentothinkthroughwhataretheissues,topics,orsituationsthatcausethemtofeelsoangry.Ifyourteencandothis,youarehalfwaythere.Nextstepisworkingwithyourteenonhowyoucanworktogethertoavoidthosesituationsoravoidusinglanguageyourteenfindsunhelpful.Teachteenstorecognizethesignsintheirbodythattheyaregettingangry.Talktoyourteenaboutwhattheyareawareoffeelingjustbeforetheystartyellingorcarryingon.Whatpartsoftheirbodyaretheyawareofthatmightbefeelingdifferenti.e.theygettightnessintheirjaw,theirfistsstarttoclench,theyfeeltheirfacegettingwarmetc.

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No Motivation

Chapter 6

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Ifyourteencanidentifythesesignsyoucanworkwiththemondevelopingstrategiestoimplementwhentheybecomeawareofthefeelingsintheirbody.Thisapproachgivesteenagersachoiceabouthowtheydealwithstrongfeelings.Suchskillswillstandthemingoodsteadwellbeyondtheirteenageyears.

Summary

Angry Outbursts What is Going On?

Ü TheTeenageBrain

Ü FrustratedAboutLife

Ü DisappointedWithParents

Ü NotGettingWhatTheyWant

Ü RighteousAnger

What Can Parents Do?

Ü StayCalm

Ü DoNotGetPhysical

Ü HighlightImpactofTheirAnger

Ü DoNotTryToReasonWithThem

Ü TeachHowToManageTheirAnger

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What is Going On?

Veryfewteenagerscompletelylackmotivation.Whatmanyteenagerslackisthemotivationtodostuffthatdoesn’tmatter,doesn’tseemimportant,orisaboutsatisfyinganagendathatdoesn’trelatetothem.Tryingtounderstandwhatishappeninginanunresponsiveteenageristhekeytodealingwiththeirbehavior. NothingInItForThemTeenagerslongtofeelsignificant.Theywanttodemonstratetothemselvesandtheworldthattheymatterandarecapableofmakingadifference.Manyoftheproblemsteensencountertodayarebecausetheirdesiretobesignificantisignoredordiminished.Ifyourteenagerdoesnotperceiveanyvalueinaparticulartask,orcannotseehowfollowingthroughonacertainendeavorcontributestotheirsenseofsignificanceorsatisfactionwithwhotheyare,thentheywillhaveverylittleinternalmotivation.Developmentallymanyteensdon’tdowellatconnectingfutureoutcomeswithcurrentchoices.Theirabilitytoconnecttheperformanceofamundanetasknow,withamoreenjoyableorsatisfyingoutcomelater,canbelacking.PowerWhenyourteenagerrefusestogotoschool,dohomework,orlosesinterestinsportingorculturalactivities,itcanbeanexerciseofpowerandcontrolontheirpart.Behaviornearlyalwayshasagoal,andthatgoalgeneratesmotivation.Whenteensappeartolackmotivation,whattheyarereallydoingisbeingmotivatedtodemonstratetheirabilitytocontrolwhattheywillorwon’tdo.

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Adolescenceisaboutthesearchforautonomyandthedevelopmentofaself-conceptthatisindependentofexternalauthority.Teenagers,whochoosetodonothing,areinfactdoingsomething,exercisingcontrolovertheirlives.Teenagersareprovingtotheirparentsandthemselvesthatultimatelytheyareincontrolofwhattheywillorwon’tdo.Andwhileitmayappeartobeverypassivebehavior,itcaninfacttakeahugeamountofemotionalenergyforateentoconsistentlyresistthepressuretocomplywithexpectations.ConfidenceForsometeens,achangeinmotivationcanbelinkedtoadropinpersonalconfidenceandassociatedsenseofself.Teenagersarestillworkingoutwhotheyare,whattheyaregoodatandwheretheyfitin.Ifateenstrugglesorexperiencesasetbackinapursuitthatisimportanttothemthentheirconfidencecanbedamaged.Adipinself-confidencecanbeverydemotivatingtoateen.Adentinconfidenceinoneareaoflifecaneasilyspilloverintootherareasandcauseasubsequentlossofmotivationacrossseeminglyunrelatedpursuitsinlife.Justassuccessinonedomaincanbreedconfidenceacrosstheboard,sotoofailureinoneaspectoflifecannegativelyimpactateen’sself-beliefacrossmanyareas.Unfortunately,toooftenteensfeelliketheyarefailing,notbecausetheyaredoingpoorly,butbecausetheexpectationplaceduponthemisunrealisticallyhigh.Settingthebarhighforyourteenwithoutarealisticregardfortheirtalentorabilitywillnotresultinthemimprovingbutwillinsteadproduceademoralizedanddiscouragedteenager.Forotherteens,itcouldbethattheyareyettofind“theirthing”thathelpsanswerthequestionaboutwhotheyareandwhatmakes

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themsignificant.Especiallyforteensthatfindthemodernschoolsystemalienatingandmainstreamextracurriculaactivitiesnotinteresting,discoveringthatcertainthinginlifethatgivesthemasenseofselfbeliefandsatisfactioncanbedifficult.OverwhelmedSometimesthesizeofthetaskwilldemotivateteenagers.Itisn’tthattheydon’twanttodoit,butratheritalllookstoobigortoohardtocopewith.Teenagersnotwantingtogoschool(moresothanthenormalschooldayprotests)areoftenfacingasituationatschoolthattheyhaverunoutofwaystocopewith.Theyaredealingwiththeissuebyavoidingthesourceoftheproblem.Itcouldbesocial,itcouldbeacademic,oritcouldbeamixofallthemultiplefactors.Whatevertherootcause,theteenagebrainisnotgreatatprocessingandmanagingemotion.Whenateengetsfloodedwithnegativeemotionssuchasfear,hopelessness,orworthlessness,theystruggletomanagetheemotionandconsequentlyviewsituationsascontrollableandmanageable.Itallgetstoobig,sotheycurlupandhide;mostofushavedayslikethat,forsometeenseverydaycanfeellikethat.What Can Parents Do?

Itcantakesometimetoturnareluctantteenintoaco-operativeandwillingyoungadult,buttherearesomebasicthingsanyparentcanimplementthatwilldefinitelychallengethestatusquo. Don’tCarryOnJumpingupanddownoryellingandthreateningwillnevermotivateateenager.Iftheirunresponsivenessisaboutpower,aggressiveparentingjustheightensthestakesandateenwilldiginmore.Iftheissuefortheteenisfeelingoverwhelmedorlacking

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confidence,threatswillonlyaddtotheirsenseofinadequacyandlackofself-confidence.Itisnotthatyoushouldn’tfeelfrustrated.Apassive,unmotivatedteenagercanbeextremelyfrustrating.Howeverventingyourfrustrationtoyouteenagerwillusuallymakemattersworse.Youneedtorespond,butyourresponseneedstobecalmandmatteroffact.Yelling,beggingandpleading,orgettingvisiblyupsetwillresultintheteenbecomingevenlesscompliantandmotivated.Don’tRewardUnresponsivenessMakesureyoudonotrewardthebehavioryouaretryingtoprevent.Ifyourteenwon’tstudy,don’tallowthemtohaveaccesstotheircomputerorphonesotheycanspendtimeonFacebooksocializing.Orifyourteenrefusestogotoschool,don’tallowthemtosleepinthenspendthedaywatchingTVorplayingcomputergames.Ifyourteenseesarewardfortheirunwillingnesstorespond,thentheywillhaveevenlessmotivationtocomplywithwhatyouwantedthemtodo.ThereNeedstobeConsequencesWhenyourteenagerdoesn’tcomply,forwhateverreason,theremustbeanegativeconsequenceconnectedtoit.Allowingateenagertooptoutismadeworsewhenthereislittleornonegativeconsequenceforthem.Oftenwhenteenagerschoosenottocomply,theyactuallyexperiencearewardi.e.ateenrefusetogoschoolisallowedtostayhomeandwatchTVorstreamvideosonlineallday.Ideallywithaconsequence,itshouldbeconnectedtothebehavior

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concerned,i.e.ifyourteenagerrefusestousetheircomputertodohomework,theyloseaccesstothecomputerforotheractivities.Sometimesthisisn’tpossibleoreffective.Whenthisoccursyouneedtofindsomethingimportanttoyourteenagerthatinvolvessomesortofprivilegeoreffortfromyou,andwithdrawyourteen’saccesstoitforaperiod.Mostteenswillpretendliketheydon’tcarewhenaconsequenceisfirstenforced.However,afteralittlewhile,iftheconsequenceistherightone,yourteenwillstarttofindmotivationtofindrelieffromtheinconvenience.LetThemFailAssociatedwiththeneedforconsequences,isallowingteenstodealwithfailurewhentheydon’tcooperateorrespond.Whenparentsconstantlystepinandrescuetheirteensfromfailing,theyunderminetheirteenager’sabilitytogrowup.Whatgivesatasksignificanceistheconsequencesorwhatisatstakeifitdoesn’tgetdone.Whenparentspreventteensfromexperiencingtheconsequencesoffailuretheyrobataskofitssignificance,andhencetheirteenager’smotivationtodobetternexttime.Ifyourteenisresponsiblefortakingtherubbishouteveryweekandtheydon’tgetitdone,thentheybecomeresponsibleformanagingthemessandoverflowingbinsforthefollowingweek.Theywilllearnmorefromthisthanbyaparentrepeatedlynaggingthemat11pmthenightbefore,ordoingitforthem.Similarly,ifyourteenchoosesnottostudyforanexamandfailstheyaremorelikelytobemotivatednexttime.Parentscanmaximizetheseopportunitiesbyaskingquestionsratherthangivinglectures.Discusswithyourteenhowtheyfeelabouttheoutcome,whattheymightdodifferentnexttime,andaskifthere

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isanythingtheyneedfromyoutohelpthem.IncentivizeTheflipsidetothepreviousistotryandhelpyourteenseethatdoingsomethingtheydon’twanttodo,canprovideameansofdoingsomethingtheydowanttodo.Creatingapositiveincentiveforyourteencanbeawayofthemseeingthereis“somethinginitforthem”.Providinganadditionalincentivecanhelpgeneratemotivationwhereotherwisetherewouldbenone.Byofferingrewardsforeffort,improvement,orparticipation,youreinforceinyourteenagerthevaluesoftryingandperseverance,ratherthanrewardingtheactofgivinguporresigning.Doesyourteenrespondwelltoencouragingwords, gifts,qualitytime,physicalaffectionorsomeotherformofaffirmation?Knowingwhattypeofincentiveyourteenwillrespondbesttowillincreasetheirmotivationandresponsiveness. FindWhatTheyLoveIfyourteenager’slackofmotivationstemsfromalackofself-belieforconfidence,youneedtohelpthemfind“theirthing.”Whatisityourteenshowsanaturalinclinationfor?Whattypeofactivitydotheygetdistractedby?Whatistheirpeculiarinterestorpassion?Manyteenagershavesomethingtheyenjoyoragoodat,buttheygainlittleconfidencefromitbecauseitisnotvalidatedorpopular.Itmightnotevenbeaparticularinterest,butmorethewaytheyoperate.Aretheycreative?Dotheythriveondetails?Arethey

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abnormallyorganizedandneat?Whatevertheirstrengthstrytothinkofwaystoharnessandpromotetheirnaturaltalentsandstrengths.

Summary

No Motivation What is Going On?

Ü NothingInItForThem

Ü Power

Ü Confidence

Ü Overwhelmed

What Can Parents Do?

Ü DoNotCarryOn

Ü DoNotRewardUnresponsiveness

Ü ThereNeedstobeConsequences

Ü Incentivize

Ü FindWhatTheyLove

Technology AddictChapter 7

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What is Going On? Itisaparticularly21stCenturyproblem:teenagerswhocan’tpullthemselvesawayfromascreen.BeitSocialMedia,ComputerGames,orjustwatchingridiculousamountsofcatvideosonYouTube,moreandmoreteenagersarespendingincreasingamountsoftheiravailabletimeinfrontofascreen.Whenteensareinfrontofascreentheyarenotengagingwiththerestofthefamily,doinghomework,orparticipatinginanysortofaerobicactivity.Forallofthesereasonsandmore,parentsarerightlyconcernedwhentheirteencannotleavetheirscreen.ItIsHowTheySocializeIntheageofmobilephones,mobilesocialnetworking,texting,photosharing,andstatusupdates,anybignewsinateenager’sworldisknownalmostinstantly.Thisnearlyconstantconnectednesstoeachotherisbeyondwhatteenagersofpreviousgenerationscouldhavedreamtof.Peergroupshavealwaysbeenimportant,nowtheyareimportantandalwayspresent.Thismeansthepressurethatgoeswithbelongingtoapeergroupisalwayspresentalso,andtheriskofbeingleftoutormissingoutisincreased.FOMO(FearofMissingOut)isrealformanyteens(&adults).Formanyteenswhoareconstantlyconnected,thereisarealunderlyinganxietyrelatedtomissingoutonwhatishappeningintheirsocialcircles.Thisanxietyresultsinaneedtorespondtomessages,updatestatuses,andcommentonother’supdatesassoonaspossibleforfearofsufferingsomesoughtofnegativesocialconsequenceotherwise.ItIsaSafePlacetoEscapeWhileformanyteensonlineisjustanextensionofphysicalrelationships,forkidswhofindthefacetofacelifeinthe

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schoolyarddifficultandawkward,theonlinespaceprovidesanimportantadditionalelement;control.Forsociallychallengedormarginalizedteens,thecontroltheycanhaveoverhowtheirpresentandwhocancontactthemintheonlinespaceisverycompelling.It’sWhereTheyExploreTheirIdentityWhetheritisaskater,agoth,arockchick,agamer,orlittlemonsters,teenagershaveinthepast,andwillcontinueinthefuture,seektofindaplace,atribe,agrouptoidentifywithandbelongto.TheInternetandmobiletechnologyaffordsyoungpeopletheabilitytoexploretheirstillformingidentitieswithgreaterefficiencyandonagreaterscalethaneverbefore.Onceteensmightonlyhavebeenlimitedtoknowingafewotherkidswhoembracedanichelookorhobbytheywereinterestedin.Thesedays,youngpeoplecandiscoverandconnectwithhundredsofotherlike-mindedteensfromallaroundtheworld.Forteenswhoarebitdifferentfromthemajorityintheplayground,onlineoffersaplacetofitinwiththosewhoarelikemindedorprojectanimageofthemselvestheybelieveisnoteworthyandacceptable.It’sWhereTheyPlayAsurveyoftweensaged8-11foundthat91%ofboysand93%ofgirlsplaygamesonline.Anothersimilarsurveyfoundthat73%ofteenagerswhoareonlineplaygamesontheInternet.Screensaren’tjustthingstobewatched,theyofferthechancetoplay.Andplayingrarelyhastobealone;therewillalwaysbesomeoneonlinewhoishappytoplaywiththem.Suchisthecomplexity,realism,andnetworkednatureofmoderngaming;itoffersformanyteenagersanextremelevelofescapism

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fromtherestoflife.Teensareabletoimmersethemselvesinonlineworldstosuchadegreethattheybecomeoblivioustothe“real”worldaroundthem.Forteenswhomfindtherealworldtobehard,thengamingcanbeamuchbetterplacetobe.It’sWhereTheyLearnWithinformationsoaccessible,learninghasfundamentallychangedforfuturegenerations.Learningisnotaboutgaininginformation.Learningisnowaboutarranging,remaking,mashing-up,reinterpreting,andmakingsenseoftheinformation.Thisrequiresnewtypesoflearninganddifferentskillssetstowhatweweretaughtatschool.Makenomistake;technologyhaschangedwhatlearningmeansfortoday'steens.What Can Parents Do? Dependingontheexactreasonyourteenisabsorbedinfrontofascreenisthefirstimportantplankinastrategytohelpthemfindamorebalancedlifestyle.Belowaresomegeneralprinciplesanyparentcanapplyfollowedbyideasformorespecificsituations.ModelingModerationIntoday’sfamiliesitisn’tjustteenswhohaveanissuewithhighlevelsofscreentime.Ifyouand/oryourpartnerareconstantlygluedtoyourphone,tablet,TV,orlaptop(ormanyatthesametime)thentryingtochangeyourteen’sbehaviorisgoingtobedifficult.Ifthisisthecasethenconsiderhavingthewholefamilygothroughsometypeof“technologydetox”whereyouallshareintheadventureoflearningtodisconnectfromtechnologyandreconnectwithoneanotherandtheoutsideworld.SetClearBoundariesIdeallytalkingtoteensabouttechnologyuseandtimelimitsstartsbeforetheyareteensandisembeddedintothenormalfamilyrules

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andboundaries.Howeverifthathorseisalreadythroughthegateandlongsincebolted,youwillneedtoreinitbackin.Thisgoesbetterwhendonegradually,andwilllikelycausesomedegreeofdiscontentintheshortterm.Aswithanyboundaryyouneedbeclearaboutwhatitis(i.e.time,technologyinvolved),whatisnotpermitted,andwhattheconsequencesareiftheboundaryisbroken.Thisshouldbedonevianegotiationwithyouteen.Somesimpleideastogetstarted:Notechnologytobeusedintheirroomsafteracertainhouratnight.Iftheyarefoundtoviolatetheboundaryoneoftheconsequencesisalltechnologyisremovedfromtheirroom,orhastobehandedinatacertaintime.Certaintimesofthedayneedtobespentwithoutanydigitaldeviceavailable.Startat30minsifyouhavetoandgraduallyincrease.Maybeapplythistogettinghomeworkdone,and/orthefamilymeal.Stricterlimitoncreditordataspendsoyourteenhastobemoreselectiveaboutwhatandwhentheyusetheiralloweddata.Alldevicesyourteenhasaccesstoisdoneontheconditionyouwillhavetherighttoaccessitrandomlyandreviewhowandwhenithasbeenused.Rememberaccesstotechnologyisa“privilege”nota“right”.Privilegescomewithresponsibilityandneedtobeearned.Whenyourteenhasaccesstotechnologycut,heorshewillmostlikelyletyouknowhowevilandawfulyouareindestroyingtheirlife.Youneedtoridethiswave,don’targue,don’ttrytojustify,juststatewhatishappeningandfollowthrough.Theywillcomearound–eventually.TryToUnderstandWhatisHappeningTherecouldbealotofreasonswhyanyparticularteenisoverlyconsumedbytechnology.Dependingonthereason,yourresponse

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needstobedifferent.Ifyouaretheparentofteenwhostrugglessocially,thentheonlineworld,beitgamingorchattingwithdistantfriends,isanimportantpartofyourteenswayofcopingwithlife.Inthesecasesconsider:• Tryingtoappreciatewhateverdigitalspaceyourteeninhabits.Don’tgooverboard,butshowaninterest,askaboutwhatishappening,playdumbandaskifyourteenwillteachyouhowtodosomethingrelatedtothetechnologytheyareusing.

• Workingwithyourteentofindan“offline”interestorskillwheretheyareabletoexpressthemselvesanddevelopadegreeofconfidence.Forthistohappen,youmayneedtotakeupthepursuitwiththem,oratleastbeakeensupporterintheearlydays.Whateveritis,yourteenneedsaplaceandanactivitythatgivesthemasenseofpurposeandconfidenceaboutwhotheyare.

• Trytohelpyourteenfindpeopletheirownagewhotheyfeelmorecomfortablearound.Sometimesthismightbeatalocalclubofsomesort.Maybeencouragingsomeoftheironlinerelationshipstomeetinpersonisworthconsidering.

• Askyourteenifthereisstuffhappeningintheirrealworldlifethatisharddealwith.Iftheyarebeingbulliedorvictimized,strugglingatschool,orfeelinglotsofdarkemotions,thenyouneedtostepinandhelpyourteendealwiththeunderlyingissueratherthanjustfocusonthetechnology.

Maybetheissueisn’tsocialconfidence,butrathertechnologyisyourteenagers“thing”,itiswhattheyaregoodat,oritenablesthemtodowhattheyarepassionateabout.Fornon-athleticorartistickidsthisisnatural.Fortheseteens,youdon’twanttodiscouragetheirtalentorpassion(kidswhoaregoodattechcouldbeyourtickettoacomfortableretirement),butratheryouneedtoteachthemhowtofindabalanceinlife.Somesimplewaysforward:

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• Affirmyourteenager’sskillorpassion.Showagenuineinterestandappreciationforwhattheycando.Activelytrytoencourageorassistthemindevelopingtheirskills.

• Starttotalktothemaboutfindingabalance,andnotrestrictinglifetojustoneareaofexperience.Explorewiththemotherareasoflifetheymightbeinterestedin.

• Helpthemsetsomeboundariesforthemselvesthatmeantheywilltakeabreakeverydayandfocusonsomethingelseunrelated.

SummaryTechnology Addict

What is Going On?

Ü HowTheySocialize

Ü SafePlacetoEscape

Ü ExploringtheirIdentity

Ü WheretheyPlay

Ü WheretheyLearn

What Can Parents Do?

Ü ModelingModeration

Ü SetClearBoundaries

Ü TryToUnderstandWhatisHappening

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Final Word

Chapter 8

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What Parents MUST Do Alongwiththespecificstrategiesoutlinedinpreviouschapters,thereareacoupleofothervitalingredientsyouneedtohaveifyouaretoreallyeffectlastingchangeinyourteenager’sbehaviour.ConsistencyNothingelseyouhavereadwillmakeanydifferenceunlessyouareabletoapplyitconsistentlyoveranextendedperiodoftime.IwishtherewasaquickfixIcouldofferyou,butthereisnot.Ithastakenyourteenageratleast13yearstodevelopthetraitsandbehavioursyouaredealingwith,itwilltakemorethanacoupleofdaysforthemtobeunlearned.Behaviorsareessentiallyhabits,andIamsureyouareawarefromexperiencethatgoodhabitstaketimetoform,justasbadhabitstaketimetobreak.Youandyourteenagerneedtolearnnewhabitsinordertoeffectchange.Butstandingintheroadofthosenewhabitsarethefamiliaryetunhelpfulpatternsyouhavebothdevelopedovertime.Astheparent,youneedtotaketheleadandstartapplyingtheprinciplesandstrategiesoutlinedinthisbook.Butbeprepared,thatyourteenwillnotnecessarilyfallintolinejustbecauseyouchoosetobedifferent.Infact,manytimestheymayreactevenworse.Itisvitalthatyoudonotloseyournerveorgiveup.Irepeat;DONOTGIVEUP!Onceyoubegin,youneedtokeepapplyingthestrategyrepeatedly.Eventuallyyourteenwillseeyouareseriousandrealizethat

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whateverbenefittheygainedfromtheirbehaviourinthepastisnowdiminishedorovershadowedduetoyournewbehaviour.WhenIsayeventually,Imeaninweeksormonths.Youwon’tturnyourteenageraroundinacoupleofdays.Youmightseesomesmallsignsofhope,butunlessyousticktoyourgunsforthenextfewmonths,yourteenagerwillnotchange.Decidenowyouaregoingtochooseacourseandsticktoit.Yes,itwillbehardandtakeeffortandenergy(whichareprobablyinshortsupplyduetodealingwithproblembehaviour),butifyoufollowthroughonyourcommitmentbothyouandyourteenwillreapagenuinebenefit.TeachOneofthebiggestmisconceptionsaboutdealingwithbadbehaviouristheideathatthereneedstobepunishmentinorderforpeopletolearntheirlesson.Thisis100%wrong.Notonlywillpunishmentnotmakelastingpositivechange,inmanycasesitwillcreateevenmoreproblembehaviours.Punishmentwon’tfixthings,butdisciplinewill.Disciplineisfundamentallyaboutteaching.Itisessentiallyanotherwayoftalkingabouttraining.Asaparentofateenager,youaretrainingyourchildtobecomeanadult.Ortoputitanotherway,youareteachingthemthedisciplinesofadulthood.ThereasonImentionthisisbecausetoachievebehaviouralchangeyourteenagerneedstolearnhowtoactdifferently.Andinordertolearnsomethingtheywillneedtobetaught.Manyofthestrategiesmentionedinthebookrelyontherebeing

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consequencesforcertaintypesofbehaviour.Goodconsequencesarepartofthelearningprocess.Yourteenagerlearnsthatbybehavinginacertainwaytheywillendupworseoffthaniftheyhadchosenamoreappropriatecourseofaction;importantlessonforlife.However,consequencesalonewon’tchangeproblembehaviour.Thereisonlysomuchwecangainfromtrialanderror,orconsequentiallearning.Teensneedtobetaughtskillsandstrategiestheycanusetoachievetheirgoals.Oftentheyhavebeenmistakenlytryingtoachievethesegoalsthroughproblembehaviours,ortheirbehavioursstemfromnothavingtheskillstheyneedtobeabletolivethewaytheywouldlike.So,alongwithimplementingthespecificstrategiesoutlinedinpreviouschapters,youalsoneedtobeonthelookoutforteachablemomentswithyourteen.Asyoudevelopabetterunderstandingofwhyyourteenisbehavingthewaytheydo,considerwhatskillorattributetheymightbelackingandwhatopportunitiescouldyoucreateforthemtodevelopintheseareas.Further Help Ifyouwanttolearnmoreaboutteenagersandhowtogoaboutthechallengingtaskofraisingthem,thenheadovertotheUnderstandingTeenagersblogforlotsmorearticlesandparentingtips.

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