making advances and you thought treating female partners was challenging! treating male partners of...

Making Advances

And You Thought Treating Female Partners

Was Challenging!Treating Male Partners of

FSLAs• SASH Conference 2012• San Antonio, Texas, September 20, 2012

• Marnie C. Ferree & Linda Hudson

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts

MALE PARTNERS - INVISIBLE ONES

• Unique

shame

• Cultural stereotypes

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

ADDITION IS A FAMILY DISEASE

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

ADDITION IS A FAMILY DISEASE

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

MODELS FOR TREATING PARTNERS

• Strong disagreement about best

approach

• Strong agreement about

commonalities

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

CHARACTERISTICS OF MALE PARTNERS

• Angry

• Also addicted

• Avoidant

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

PAIN

SYSTEMS THEORY

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

SYSTEMS THEORY

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

• Roles

• Rules

• Attachment issues

Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder.

CO-ADDICTION MODEL

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

NOT responsible for addict’s behavior.

IS responsible for own personal and relationship issues.

CO-ADDICTS HAVE OWN ISSUES OF…

• Trauma

• Unhealthy Coping

• Impaired Intimacy

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

HISTORY OF ABUSE

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Addict Spouse

Sexual 81% 81%

Physical 72% 71%

Emotional 97% 91%

Carnes, P. (1991). Don’t call it love: Recovering from sexual addiction. Minneapolis, MN: Compcare Publishers.

CO-ADDICT’S COPING STRATEGIES

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Search and seizure

Control Complain Threaten Ignore Rage Focus on kids/

workManipulate

Withdraw/shut down

Become more sexual

Engage in own addiction

Tolerate impaired intimacy

Self-righteousness

CO-ADDICTION IS…

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Focusing on someone else’s life

Believing you can control people and events outside yourself

An obsession with the possibility

TRAUMA MODEL

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

• “Partner sensitive” emphasis that focuses on “sexual addition-induced trauma.”

• Partner receives equal clinical attention

Steffens & Means (2009). Your Sexually Addicted Spouse - How Partners Can Cope and Heal

TRAUMATIC NATURE OF DISCOVERY

OR DISCLOSURE

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Creates PTSD-like symptoms (in 70% of a small study)

TRAUMATIC NATURE OF DISCOVERY

OR DISCLOSURE

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

TRAUMATIC NATURE OF DISCOVERY

OR DISCLOSURE

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Creates PTSD-like symptoms (in 70% of a small study)

Causes constant triggering, reactivity, hypervigilance, panic, anxiety, somatic symptoms

Normal, predictable responses of people who have been deeply betrayed

PARTNER’S WORK: ATTENDING TO

MULTIPLE TRAUMAS

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Relational betrayal, deception, emotional abuse, marginalization, manipulation

“Gaslighting” by sex addict“Treatment-induced” trauma

EFFECTIVE TREATMENT

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Dual Track:

Addressing betrayal

Addressing core issues

EFFECTIVE TREATMENT

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Dual Track:

Addressing betrayal

Addressing core issues

DISCLOSURE

• Disclosing Secrets

• Surviving Disclosure

by Deborah Corley & Jennifer

Schneider

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

PARTNER’S SYSTEM

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Belief System

ImpairedThinking

Unmanageability

Distraction Strategies

Crisis

Despair

Partner’sCycle

PreoccupationFantasy

HEALING

• Boundaries

• Unique Issues/Challenges

Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addictswww.sash.net/makingadvances

Making AdvancesA Comprehensive Guide for

TreatingFemale Sex and Love Addicts

All proceeds benefit the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health www.sash.net/makingadvances

Edited by Marnie C. Ferree

Writers:Susan J. CamplingRobin CatoM. Deborah CorleyMarnie C. FerreeLinda HudsonAlexandra KatehakisKelly McDanielAnna Valenti-AndersonJill VermeireSonnee Weedn