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ContentsPart1MisadventureAToast!XsandOsADangerousRecipeJustFriendsWhenIgnoranceIsBlissHeartontheLineSeaofStrangersArtandBooksAVoyageAThank-YouNoteAnEndearingTraitHisWordAWell-DressedManAStrangerWallflowerRollercoasterHisCauseandEffectLostandFoundAfraidtoLoveTheWandererPart2TheCircusofSorrowsCircusTownATimelineInTwoPartsABadDayRoguePlanetsClosureAQuestionAWayOutLostThingsABetrayalAfterYouAReverieLettingHimGo

TheThingsWeHideLoveLostTimeTravelersASmallConsolationAnImpossibleTaskTheKeeperSadSongsJealousyWakingwithoutYouThatDayTheGirlHeLovesALover'sPastBeauty'sCurseDeadButterfliesWishfulThinkingAHeavyHeartSavingYouAnAnswerSwanSongPart3LoveFirstLoveHeandISundayswithMichaelMorningswithYouSoulMatesAFairyTaleAlwaysADreamBeforeThereWasYouBeautifulAllorNothingSomeTimeOutSoulsSoloShowTheFearofLosingYouEbbandFlowWritteninTraffic

AngelsGoldenCageLoveLettersCodependencyCanyonsATimeCapsule

ForMichaelThehalfofthisbook—thewholeofmyheart.

ADedication

Shelendsherpen,tothoughtsofhim,thatflowfromit,inhersolitary.

Forsheishispoet,Andheisherpoetry.

Part1Misadventure

AToast!

Tonewbeginnings,infearandfaithandallittinges.

Toloveisadare,whenhopeanddespair,aregatesuponithinges.

XsandOs

Loveisagameoftic-tac-toe,constantlywaiting,forthenextxoro.

ADangerousRecipe

Tolovehimissomething,Iholdhighlysuspicious.

Likehavingsomething,soverydelicious—thenbeingtold,todothedishes.

JustFriends

IknowthatIdon'townyou,andperhapsIneverwill,somyangerwhenyou'rewithher,Ihavenorighttofeel.

Iknowthatyoudon'toweme,andIshouldn'taskformore;Ishouldn'tfeelsoletdown,allthetimeswhenyoudon'tcall.

WhatIfeel—Ishouldn'tshowyou,sowhenyou'rearoundIwon't;IknowI'venorighttofeelitbutitdoesn'tmeanIdon't.

WhenIgnoranceIsBliss

Ideplore,beingignored.

For—

Iamnotabore!

Butit'sperplexinglysweet,andquitesexytoo—tobeignored,ignoredbyyou.

HeartontheLine

Loveisgood,itisneverbad—butitwilldriveyoumad!

Whenitisgiventoyou,indribsanddrabs.

SeaofStrangers

Inaseaofstrangers,you'velongedtoknowme.Yourlifespentsailingtomyshores.

Thearmsthatyearntosomedayholdme,willachebeneaththeheavyoars.

Pleasetakeyourtimeandtakeitslowly;asallyoudowillrunitscourse.

Andnothingelsecantakewhatonly—wasalwaysmeantassolelyyours.

ArtandBooks

Withoutadoubt,Imustread,allthebooksI'vereadabout.

Seetheartworkshungonhooks,thatIhaveonly,seeninbooks.

AVoyage

Tobeguidednormisguidedinlove,norbrokenhearted.

Buttosailinwaters—uncharted.

AThank-YouNote

YouhavesaidallthethingsIneedtohearbeforeIknewIneededtohearthem.

TobeunafraidofallthethingsIusedtofear,beforeIknewIshouldn'tfearthem.

AnEndearingTrait

Thescatterbrain,isalittlelike,thepatterofrain.

Neitherhere,northere,buteverywhere.

HisWord

Iamnot,justanotchonhisbelt.

Whathefeelsforme,he'sneverfelt.

Iamawordhehasheardbuthasneverseenforhimself.

Yethewantstoknow,howthatwordisspelt.

AWell-DressedMan

Hischarmwilldisarm;hissmile,instyle;hisfashion,inpassion;hiswords,hisflirt,histiefromhisshirt,tomywrists—hiskiss!hiskiss!hiskiss!

AStranger

ThereisaloveIreminisce,likeaseedI'veneversown.

OflipsthatIamyettokiss,andeyesnotmetmyown.

Handsthatwraparoundmywrists,andarmsthatfeellikehome.

IwonderhowitisImiss,thesethingsI'veneverknown.

Wallflower

Shrinkinginacorner,pressedintothewall;dotheyknowI'mpresent,amIhereatall?

Isthereawrittenrulebook,thattellsyouhowtobe—alltherightthingstotalkabout—thateveryonehasbutme?

SlowlyIamwithering—aflowerdeprivedofsun;longingtobelongto—somewhereorsomeone.

ARollercoaster

Youwillfindhiminmyhighsandlows;inmymind,he'lltoandfro.

He'sthetallestperson,thatIknow—andsohekeepsme,onmytoes.

HisCauseandEffect

Hemakesmeturn,hemakesmetoss;hiswordsmeanmineareataloss.

Hemakesmeblush!

Hemakesmewanttobrushandfloss.

LostandFound

Asunkenchest,ontheoceanground,toneverbefoundwaswherehefoundme.

Therehestirred,myeverythought,myeveryword,sogently,soprofoundly.

NowIamkept,fromdreamsIdreamt,whenonceIslept,sosoundly.

AfraidtoLove

Iturnawayandclosemyheart—tothepromiseoflovethatisluring.

Forthepasthastaughttonotbecaught,inwhatisnotworthpursuing—

ToneverdothethingsI'vedonethatoncehadledtomyundoing.

TheWanderer

Whatisshelike?Iwastold—sheisamelancholysoul.

Sheislikethesuntonight;amomentarygold.

Astarwhendimmedbydawninglight;theflickerofacandleblown.

Alonelykitelostinflight—someoneoncehadflown.

Part2TheCircusofSorrows

CircusTown

Fromacitysobrighttoastrangelittletown;onacarouselspinning,aroundandaround.

Thedizzyingheight,ofthestarsfromtheground.

Theworldallalight—withhissights,hissounds.

ATimeline

YouandIagainstarule,setforusbytime.

Amarkerdrawntoshowourend,etchedintoitsline.

Thebriefestmomentsharedwithyou—thelongestonmymind.

InTwoParts

Youcomeandgosoeasily,yourlifeisasyouknew—whilemineissplitintwo.

HowIenvysothehalfofme,wholivedbeforelove'sdue,whowasyettoknowofyou.

ABadDay

Whenthoughtsofallbutone,arethoseIamkeeping.

Whensorethoughthereisnone,forwhomIamweeping.

Acurtaindrawnbeforethesun,andIwishtogoonsleeping.

RoguePlanets

Asakid,Iwouldcountbackwardsfromtenandimagineatone,therewouldbeanexplosion—perhapscausedbyarogueplanetcrashing intoEarthorsomeothermajorcatastrophe.Whennothinghappened,I'dfeelrelievedandatthesametime,alittledisappointed.Ithinkofyouatten;thefirsttimeIsawyou.Yoursmileatnineandhowitlitupsomething insidemeIhadthought longdead.Your lipsateightpressedagainst mine and at seven, your warm breath in my ear and your handseverywhere.Youtellmeyoulovemeatsixandatfivewehaveourfirstrealfight.Atfourwehaveoursecondandthree,ourthird.Attwoyoutellmeyoucan'tgoonanylongerandthenatone,youaskmetostay.AndIamrelieved,sorelieved—andalittledisappointed.

Closure

Liketimesuspended,awoundunmended—youandI.

Wehadnoending,nosaidgood-bye.

Forallmylife,I'llwonderwhy.

AQuestion

Itwas aquestionIhadwornonmy lips fordays—likea loose threadonmyfavoritesweaterIcouldn'tresistpulling—despiteknowingitcouldallunravelaroundme.

“Doyouloveme?”Iask.InyourhesitationIfoundmyanswer.

AWayOut

Doyouknowwhatitislike,tolieinbedawake;withthoughtstohauntyoueverynight,ofallyourpastmistakes.

Knowingsleepwillsetitright—ifyouwerenottowake.

LostThings

Doyouknowwhenyou'velostsomething—likeyourfavoriteT-shirtorasetofkeys—andwhile looking for it, you comeacross somethingelseyouoncemissedbuthavelongsinceforgotten?Wellwhateveritwas,therewasapointwhereyoudecidedtostopsearching,maybebecauseitwasnolongerrequiredoranewreplacementwasfound.Itisalmostasif itneverexistedinthefirstplace—untilthatmomentofrediscovery,aflashofrecognition.Everyonehasone—aninventoryoflostthingswaitingtobefound.Yearningtobeacknowledgedfortheworththeyonceheldinyourlife.Ithinkthis iswhereIbelong—amongallyourother lostthings.Acrumplednote at the bottom of a drawer or an old photograph pressed between thepagesofabook.IhopesomedayyouwillfindmeandrememberwhatIoncemeanttoyou.

ABetrayal

IcannotundowhatIhavedone;Ican'tun-singasongthat'ssung.

Andthesaddestthingaboutmyregret—

Ican'tforgiveme,andyoucan'tforget.

AfterYou

IfIwroteitinabook,couldIshelveit?

IfItoldofwhatyoutook,wouldthathelpit?

IfIwillit,canIun-feelit,nowI'vefeltit?

AReverie

Adustyroom,awindowchair,unseeingeyesthatgazeintothemontageofaloveaffair.

Acarouselofmemories,spinningroundintoablur.

Hermindisnowafairgroundride—shewondersifyouthinkofher.

LettingHimGo

There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you lovesomethinggreaterthanyourself.Atendersacrifice.Like the pained silence felt in the lost song of amermaid; or the bent andbrokenfeetofadancingballerina.ItisineveryconsideredstepIamtakingintheoppositedirectionofyou.

TheThingsWeHide

Andso,Ihaveputawaythephotographs,everytraceofyouIknow.

Thethingsthatseemtomatterless,aretheonesweputonshow.

LoveLost

Thereisonewhoyoubelongto,whoselove—thereisnosongfor.Andthoughyouknowit'swrongful,thereissomeoneelseyoulongfor.

Yourheartwasonceavessel,itwasfilleduptothebrim;untilthedayheleftyou,noweverythingsingsofhim.

Ofthetwowhocametoloveyou,toone,yourheartyougave.Helivesinstarsaboveyou—inthelovewhocameandstayed.

TimeTravelers

Inallourwrongs,Iwanttowritehim,inatimewhereIcanfindhim.

Beforethetearsthattoreus.

Whenourhistorywasbeforeus.

ASmallConsolation

Everythingthatweoncewere,isnowasadandlonelyverse.

WhenonceIhadsomuchtosay,Iamnowbereftofwords.

Sometimesitistheorderofthings,thatmakethemseemmuchworse.

It'snotasifyouwouldhavestayed,ifIhadn'tleftyoufirst.

AnImpossibleTask

Totryoruntrytoforgetyounot,mayberelatedsomewhat—

Totying,thentryingtountie,acomplicatedknot.

TheKeeper

Youwerelikeadream,IwishIhadn'tsleptthrough.

WithinitIfelldeeper,thanyourheartwouldcaretoletyou.

Ithoughtyouwereakeeper,IwishIcouldhavekeptyou.

SadSongs

Once therewas a boywho couldn't speak but owned amusic box that heldeverysonginalltheworld.Onedayhemetagirlwhohadneverheardasinglemelodyinherentire lifeandsoheplayedherhisfavoritesong.Hewatchedwhileherfacelitupwithwonderasthemusicfilledtheskyandthepoetryoflyricsmovedherinawayshehadneverfeltbefore.Hewouldplayhissongsforherdayafterdayandshewouldsitbyhimquietly—never seeming tomind thathe couldonly speak toher through song. Shelovedeverythingheplayedforher,butof themall—she lovedthesadsongsbest.Sohebegantoplaythemmoreandmoreuntileventually,sadsongswereallshewouldhear.Oneday,henoticedithadbeenaverylongtimesinceherlastsmile.Whenheaskedherwhy, she tookbothhishands inhers andkissed themwarmly.Shethankedhimforhisgiftofmusicandpoetrybutaboveallelse—forshowinghersadnessbecauseshehadknownneitherofthesethingsbeforehim.Butitwasnowtimeforhertogoaway—tofindsomeonewhocouldshowherwhathappinesswas.................................................Doyourememberthesongthatwasplayingthenightwemet?No,butIremembereverysongIhaveheardsinceyouleft.

Jealousy

Itwasthewayyouspokeabouther.

Withanimosity,regret,disdainandunderneathitall—justahintofpride.

WakingwithoutYou

Everysongthatsingsofhim,fromeveryheartheardbreaking.

Isingalongindreamsofhim,Iclingto—whenIstartwaking.

ThatDay

Irememberourhighsinhues,likethecolorofhiseyesasthesunwassetting;thepaleofhishandsinmine,andtheblueofhissmile.

Irememberoursorrowsinshades,likethegrayoftheshadows,whichloomedthatday,andthewhiteinhisliewhenhepromisedtostay.

TheGirlHeLoves

TherewasamanwhoIonceknew,formetherewasnoother.Theclosertolovingmehegrew,themorehewouldgrowfurther.

Itriedtolovehimashisfriend,thentolovehimashislover;butheneverlovedmeintheend—hisheartwasforanother.

ALover'sPast

Theturbulentturnsandthetidesthattwistthem.

Whenwhattheyoncewere,washowshehadwishedthem.

Andallthejoyshebroughther,howshecouldlistthem.

Intimeshewilllearn,nottomissthem.

Beauty'sCurse

Herbowisdrawntoworldsofdark;wherearrowsspringandmisstheirmark.

She'llturntheirheads—butnottheirhearts.

DeadButterflies

Isometimesthinkaboutthefragilityofglass—ofbrokenshardstearingagainstsoftskin.Whenintruth,itisthetransparencythatkillsyou.Thepainofseeingthroughtosomethingyoucanneverquitetouch.ForyearsI'vekeptyouinsecret,behindaglassscreen.I'vewatchedhelplesslyas day after day, your newgirlfriend becomes yourwife and then later, themotherofyour children.Then realizing the irony in thinkingyouwere theone under glass when in fact it has been me—a pinned butterfly—static andunmoving,watchingwhileyourotherlifeunfolds.

WishfulThinking

Yousaythatyouareoverme,myheart—itskips,itsinks.

Iseeyounowwithsomeonenew,Istare,Istare,Iblink.

SomedayI'llbeoveryou,Iknow,Iknow—Ithink.

AHeavyHeart

Allyouhavedone,Ihadhopedtopardon.

Whenthedeathoflovewasslowforme—foryouwassudden.

Nowtheyearsgoby,andmyhearthashardened.

SavingYou

Thedarknesstakeshimover,thesicknesspullshimin;hiseyes—ablown-outcandle;Iwishtogowithhim.

SometimesIseeaflicker—alightthatshonefromthem;Iholdhimtometightly,beforehe'sgoneagain.

AnAnswer

Tochoosefromthereweremany;amongthem,thereweresome.

AndofthoseIlovedyou,morethanany—butnotasmuchasone.

SwanSong

Herheartisplayedlikewell-wornstrings;inhereyes,thesadnesssings—ofonewhowasdestinedforbetterthings.

Part3Love

FirstLove

BeforeIfellinlovewithwords,withsettingskiesandsingingbirds—itwasyouIfellinlovewithfirst.

HeandI

Whenwordsrundry,hedoesnottry,nordoI.

Weareonpar.

Hejustis,Ijustam,andwejustare.

SundayswithMichael

Iholdmybreathandcounttoten,Istandandsit,thenstandagain.Icrossandthenuncrossmylegs,theplanesareflyingoverhead.

Thedialturnswitheverytwist,aroundthewatch,aroundhiswrist.Restingtherewithpeninhand,whocouldeverunderstand?

ThewayhewritesofallIdream,thingskindyetcruelandin-between,whereunderneaththosetwistedtrees,aprettygirlfallentoherknees.

Whocouldknowtheworldwe'vespun?Ishrugmyshouldersandholdmytongue.Iholdmybreathandcounttoten,Istandandsit,thenstandagain.

MorningswithYou

Islowlywakeasdayisdawning,tofingertipsandlipsimploring.

Thesheetsagainstmyskin,hesays,likewrappingpaperonChristmasmorning.

SoulMates

I don't know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I amgettingtoknowyouandmoreasthoughIamrememberingwhoyouare.Howeverysmile,everywhisperbringsmeclosertotheimpossibleconclusionthatIhaveknownyoubefore,Ihavelovedyoubefore—inanothertime,adifferentplace—someotherexistence.

AFairyTale

Startofspring;heartinbloom;ourwhisperingsinsunlitrooms.

Summerwasfeltalittlemore;inautumnIbegantofall.

Whenwintercamewithallitswhite,youwereminetokissgoodnight.

Always

Youwereyou,andIwasI;weweretwobeforeourtime.

IwasyoursbeforeIknew,andyouhavealwaysbeenminetoo.

ADream

As the Earth began spinning faster and faster, we floated upwards, handslocked tightly together, eyes sad and bewildered.We watched as our facesgrew younger and realized the Earth was spinning in reverse, moving usbackwardsintime.Then we reached a point where I no longer knew who you were and I wasgraspingthehandsofastranger.ButIdidn'tletgo.Andneitherdidyou........................................Ihadmyfirstdreamaboutyoulastnight.Really?Shesmiles.Whatwasitabout?Idon'trememberexactly,butthewholetimeIwasdreaming,Iknewyouweremine.

BeforeThereWasYou

WhenIusedtolookabove,allIsawwassky;andeverysongthatIwouldsing,Isungnotknowingwhy.

AllIthoughtandallIfelt,wasonlyjustbecause,neverwasiteveryou—untilitwasalltherewas.

Beautiful

Yourhandreachesformine.Wekisstentatively,passionatelyandthen,tenderly.

Youbrushmyhairawayfrommyface.“You'rebeautiful.”Iwrinklemynoseinprotest.“Youare.”

AllorNothing

Ifyoulovemeforwhatyousee,onlyyoureyeswouldbeinlovewithme.

Ifyoulovemeforwhatyou'veheard,thenyouwouldlovemeformywords.

Ifyoulovemyheartandmind,thenyouwouldloveme,forallthatI'm.

Butifyoudon'tlovemyeveryflaw,thenyoumustn'tloveme—notatall.

SomeTimeOut

Thetimemaynotbeprimeforus,thoughyouareaspecialperson.

Wemaybejusttwodifferentclocks,thatdonottock,inunison.

Souls

Whentwosoulsfallinlove,thereisnothingelsebuttheyearningtobeclosetotheother.Thepresencethat is felt throughahandheld,avoiceheard,orasmileseen.Soulsdonothavecalendarsorclocks,nordotheyunderstandthenotionoftimeordistance.Theyonlyknowitfeelsrighttobewithoneanother.This isthereasonwhyyoumisssomeonesomuchwhentheyarenotthere—eveniftheyareonlyintheverynextroom.Yoursoulonlyfeelstheirabsence—itdoesn'trealizetheseparationistemporary........................................CanIaskyousomething?Anything.Whyisiteverytimewesaygoodnight,itfeelslikegood-bye?

SoloShow

Hepullsthethickwoolensweaterup,overmyhead.

Littlesparksofstaticdanceacrossmyskin.

Doesithurt?Hesays,runninghishandsgentlyovermywarmbody.

Itisyourownlittlefireworksshow,Iwhisper.

TheFearofLosingYou

Withoutmeaningto,he'sdisarmedme,withkissesthatsootheandalarmme.

Inarmsthatterrifyandcalmme.

EbbandFlow

Sheyearnstolearnhowhistideisturned,tounderstandeachgrainofsand,heknows.

Tomoveinrhythm,withhisebbandflow.

WritteninTraffic

Aquietgladness,inthebusysadness;insidethefinaltussle,ofloveanditsmadness.

Itsgoodnessandbadness,itshustleandbustle.

Angels

It happens like this.One day youmeet someone and for some inexplicablereason,you feelmoreconnected to this stranger thananyoneelse—closer tothem than your closest family. Perhaps because this person carries an angelwithin them—one sent to you for some higher purpose, to teach you animportantlessonortokeepyousafeduringaperiloustime.Whatyoumustdois trust in them—even if they comehand inhandwithpainor suffering—thereasonfortheirpresencewillbecomeclearinduetime.Though here is a word of warning—you may grow to love this person butremembertheyarenotyourstokeep.Theirpurposeisn'ttosaveyoubuttoshowyouhowtosaveyourself.Andoncethisisfulfilled,thehaloliftsandtheangelleavestheirbodyasthepersonexitsyourlife.Theywillbeastrangertoyouoncemore........................................It'ssodarkrightnow,Ican'tseeanylightaroundme.That'sbecausethelightiscomingfromyou.Youcan'tseeitbuteveryoneelsecan.

GoldenCage

Abirdwhohurtherwing,nowforgottenhowtofly.

Asongsheusedtosing,butcan'trememberwhy.

Abreathshecaughtandkept—thatleftherinasigh.

Ithurtshersotoloveyou,butshewon'tsaygood-bye.

LoveLetters

Everyletterthatshetypes,everykeystrokethatshestrikes—

Tospellyournameagainandagain—isallsheeverwantstowrite.

Codependency

Thereisnothingmorenice,thereisnothingmuchworser;thanmeasyourviceandyouasmyversa.

Canyons

RarelydothewordsIloveyouprecedeaquestionmark—butit isaquestionnonetheless and your answer to mine was the incarnation of a wish—thefulfillmentofapromise.Somewherebetweenfallinginandoutoflove,thequestionspilledfromourlipsoverandover—readilyansweredwithgreedyhandsandravenousmouths.It was cautiously whispered on rooftops, as we looked down on terrifyingheightsandcriedoutundercreased,whitesheetsinbreathlessadmissions.Towards good-bye, I asked the question, and your reply was a thoughtlessechoasI stood, feelingas thoughIwas shoutingmeaninglesswords intoanemptycanyon—justtohearthemrepeatedback........................................“Iloveyou,”hesaysforthefirsttime.Iturnmybodytofacehis.“Sayitagain.”Hesaysitoverandoveragain,pullingmebeneathhim.

ATimeCapsule

Thisiswhere,Ibegantocare,whereIwasbefriended.

Thisiswhere,mysoulwasbared,whereallmyruleswerebended.

Thisiswhere,amomentweshared,wasstolenandexpended.

Nowthisiswhere,thisiswhere,thisiswherewe'veended—

AbouttheAuthor

The work of poet and artist Lang Leav swings between the whimsical andwoeful,expressingacomplexitybeneathitschildlikefacade.Lang is a recipient of theQantas Spirit of Youth Award and a prestigiousChurchillFellowship.Herartwork isexhibited internationallyandshewas selectedto takepart inthelandmarkPlayboyReduxshowcuratedbytheAndyWarholMuseum.Shecurrentlyliveswithherpartnerandcollaborator,Michael,inalittlehousebythesea.

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