love and communication in intimate relationships

Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

What is Love?

• Difficult to define

– Special attitude with behavioral and emotional components

– Different things to different people

– Difficult to measure

Rubin’s Love Scale

• 13-item questionnaire

• 3 components of love– Attachment– Caring– Intimacy

Types of Love: Passionate Love

• Passionate Love

– Also known as romantic love or infatuation– Intense psychological feelings– Generalized physiological arousal– Strong sexual desire– Avoid conflict– Feelings of completeness– Short-lived

Types of Love: Companionate Love

• Companionate Love

– Less intense than passionate love– Friendly affection & deep attachment– Familiarity & tolerance for short-comings– More enduring than passionate love

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory

• Passion, Intimacy, & Commitment are the three love components– Passion builds then fades– Intimacy & Commitment continue to build– Variations in components yield different kinds

of love• Intimacy alone = friendship• Passion alone = infatuation• Commitment alone = empty love

Lee’s Styles of Loving

• Romantic (eros)

• Game-playing (ludus)

• Possessive (mania)

• Compassionate (storge)

• Altruistic (agape)

• Pragmatic (pragma)

Lee’s Styles of Loving

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Falling in Love

• The chemistry of love– Neurotransmitters

• Norepinephrine• Dopamine• Phenylethylamine (PEA)• Oxytocin

– Endorphins– Loss of romantic love and neurotransmitter

withdrawal

Falling in Love: Proximity

• Proximity

– Mere exposure effect

– Familiarity breeds predictability which leads to greater comfort

– Greater proximity often reflects shared interests

Falling in Love: Similarity

• Similarity– Level of physical attractiveness– Age, educational status, and religion– Race and ethnicity

• Why Similarity?• Share similar interests & activities• Communicate better• Confirm own views & experiences• Supportive of values & beliefs

Role of Similarity in Relationships

Role of Similarity in Relationships

Falling in Love: Reciprocity

• Reciprocity

– When someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back

– Increases in self-esteem

– Increases likelihood of relationship enduring

Falling in Love: Physical Attractiveness

• Physical Attractiveness

– Belief that “What’s beautiful is good”– Status by association– Most important in early stages– May be an indicator of physical health– Heterosexual males place greater emphasis

on physical attractiveness

Falling in Love: How willing are you. . .?

Attachment

• Attachment: Intense emotional tie

• Adult attachments are influenced by our attachment to caregiver in infancy– Attachment Style (Ainsworth)

• Secure attachment• Insecure attachment• Anxious-Ambivalent attachment

Attachment

• Attachment styles in Adulthood

– Paired couples often are similar in their attachment styles

– Attachment style affects interaction in relationship

Attachment Styles and Relationships

Issues in Loving Relationships

• Relationship between love & sex– Relationship between the two is not always

clear• Consider “hook-ups” and “friends with

benefits”– Questions to ask:

• Does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship?

• Do men and women have different views of sex & love?

Sexual Orientation and Attitudes about Love & Sex

• Many people stereotype same-sex relationships as primarily sexual

• However, lesbians and gay men generally seek loving, trusting, caring relationships that embrace many dimensions of sharing

• Sex differences among lesbians and gay men are consistent with general sex difference in attitudes toward love and sex– Gay men are more likely than lesbians to

separate love from sex– Lesbians more likely to postpone sex until

intimacy has been established

Jealousy in Relationships

• Jealousy-prone person– Low self-esteem– High value on wealth and popularity

• Negative consequences– Precipitates partner violence– Stifles relationship development– Raises anxiety, depression, anger

• Sex differences

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

• Ingredients in a lasting love relationship

– Self-acceptance– Appreciation of each other’s qualities– Commitment– Good communication, realistic expectations

and shared interests– Ability to face and deal with conflict

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

• Characteristics of high quality relationships

– Supportive communication– Companionship– Sexual expression and variety– Seeing partner as best friend– Maintaining frequent positive interaction

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

• Individual and relationship growth

– Growth and change maintain relationship

– Overcome obstacles• View problems as challenges• Negotiate and renegotiate wants• Accept each other as unique

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

• Sexual Variety

– Communication is critical

– Be spontaneous

– Plan for intimate time

– Don’t worry about frequency “standards”