help keeping the knot tied 3

Help Keeping the Knot Tied IIIMarriage Ministry First Steps

Extra-Marital Knots for Couples in Crisisby Rev. Brian and Maria Dixon

Lakeland Baptist Association Kingdom Growth Conference – Parklawn Assembly of God Church

May 14, 2010

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Review

* Yesterday we went over a curriculum that your church can use to enhance marriages within your congregation.

* Today, we will talk about how to coach couples through crisis.

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Vision For A Marriage Saver’s Congregation

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• Help the seriously dating decide whether or not to marry

• Help the engaged prepare for a life-long marriage

• Enable mid-married couples to fall back in love• Help separated couples to reconcile• Equip step-families to be successful

The ideal for the Marriage Saver Congregation is to…

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Ten Steps to Raise Odds of Marital Success from 50% to 95%

1. Both are committed believers in Jesus Christ2. More than 20 years old3. Engaged for at least 6 months 4. Committed to sexual abstinence5. Live in separate households6. Go on an Engaged Encounter7. Dating for 18 months or more, with at least 4 months at a

friendship level.8. Limit your time alone together with clear boundaries in your

physical relationship.

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Ten Steps to Raise Odds of Marital Success from 50% to 95%

Cont’d

9. Use a relationship inventory to examine your strengths and growth areas (ZOE or Prepared/Enrich)

10. Follow up after marriage with enrichment activities that are available

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Develop a Plan for Your Marriage Saver’s Ministry

Create a exploratory team1. Appoint a steering group.

a. A senior pastor or his designeeb. Director’s of adult religious education and pastoral care and

evangelismc. Two couples in a strong 10+ years marriaged. “A back from the brink couple” whose marriage was on the

verge of divorce but has recovered.e. A couple who once were separated from each otherf. A couple with step-children who has truly created a

blended marriageg. Possibly a newly married couple.

Ask this group for a 3 to 6 month commitment to strategize, plan, and pray about developing a plan that will be submitted to the church governing board.

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Pastor’s Role

1. Pray, pray, pray2. Choose a strong couple that will oversee the team3. To help that couple find others in the congregation

that are committed to God’s plan for marriage4. Oversee the development of the team but yet trust in

his lead couples to carry out the duties of that team.5. Be available for the lead couple at all times.6. Present this group to the congregation in some kind of

ceremony so that they will know that they have his backing.

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Lead Advisor’s Responsibility

1. The Lead Advisor’s responsibility is to bring key decisions to the pastor for his insight and input and, if necessary, permission.

2. Make copies of all premarital inventories administered to seriously dating and engaged couples for the pastor’s file.

3. If the advisor and/or couples feel that they’re in over their heads in dealing with a particular couple they need to call the pastor.

They are not professionals and need to know their limits. 9

Lead Advisor’s Responsibility4. The lead advisor shall recruit couples to work with :

a. Seriously dating and engaged couples b. Enriching existing marriages c. Helping couples who are on the brink of separation or

are already separated or divorced d. Couples who are marrying again with step-children.

5. Are to keep the marriage vision before the church and are constantly looking for new recruits.

6. The lead advisor should understand screening is very important

They owe it to the Pastor and the congregation to be a quality team of advisors.

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Couples to Consider

1. Look for attitude. (If they can’t talk about their own marriages with love and caring then they can’t help anyone else)

2. Both spouses desire to serve. (This is a couple ministry)

3. Must be willing to learn.4. Must understand confidentiality.5. Must be willing to attend lectures on key issues. 6. Must be willing to engage in encounters

themselves.

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Biblical Stance on Sex & Marriage

• Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

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Biblical Stance on Sex & Marriage

• Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)

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Biblical Stance on Sex & Marriage

• “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28)

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Four Classes of Affairs

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Four Classes of Affairs

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What Defines an Affair?(-By Psychologist Shirley Glass based on Northeastern University research)

• Secrecy. Meeting someone without telling your spouse —because you have a hunch he or she wouldn’t be happy about it.

• Emotional intimacy. Confiding things you haven’t told your spouse.

• Sexual chemistry. You don’t even have to touch. “I had a wonderful dream about you last night” stokes sexual tension.

• Infidelity and gender. When faced with an either-or question about which hurts more, women pick emotional infidelity and men pick sexual infidelity. But when asked instead to rate both on a pain scale of one to seven, the gender difference disappears. Both rate sexual infidelity as worse.

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CLOSE CALLS | FRIENDSHIP PROFILES

Dangerous Partner Profile– Internal Age– Developmental Lag – Personality Style – Hobbies / Interest – Attachment Pattern – FOR Deficit – Marital Void – Pursuit Pattern

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Platonic FriendshipsBelow is a sample of the nineteen characteristics of platonic friendships that can get one in trouble after sustained stress

– Do you save topics of conversation for your friend because you feel they understand you better?

– Do you find yourself looking forward to seeing your friends more than you look forward to seeing your spouse?

– Are you spending money on your friendship for lunches, gifts, coffee, that your spouse is unaware of?

– Are you and your spouse in conflict over this friendship? – Do you find yourself lying and or manipulating the truth in order to spend more

time with this friend? – Are you hiding receipts, cell phone bills, mail, gifts, and time spent with your

friend from your spouse? – Has your friend shared feelings for you or touched you in a way that created a

shiver of infatuation in you? – Do you do any of the following with this friend: travel, go to entertainment

venues, drink alcohol, eat expensive meals, and return to the same hotel together, all in the name of doing business and entertaining clients?

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Resources

• www.marriagemissions.com• www.tornasunder.org• We will email you a 30 page resource guide

for different curriculums that can be implemented in your church.

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Questions?

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Thank You!

• Thank you for attending our presentation during Kingdom Growth.

• Brian’s Contact Info: rev_dixon@yahoo.com • Maria’s Contact Info: mdjdixon@yahoo.com

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