getting to the root of difficult behaviors

GETTING TO THE ROOT OF DIFFICULT BEHAVIORSGETTING TO THE ROOT OF DIFFICULT BEHAVIORS

William Sharp, PsyaDWilliam Sharp, PsyaD

Wheelock College Alumni Wheelock College Alumni Symposium Symposium

March 22March 22ndnd 1-3pm 1-3pm

@DRWILLIAMSHARP

#WheelockSymposium

K-W-L CHART:

Know Want to know

GOALS

1)List your personal goals in building healthy relations

2)Understand how to figure out what typical behaviors can mean

3)Apply guidelines for effective interactions with people

WHAT IS THE STATE OF RELATIONSHIPS THESES DAYS?

Is it technology leaving us “Alone Together” (Turkle)

IS IT FUNNY – OR TOO TRUE?

WHAT ARE WE LEARNING ABOUT CONNECTING?

IS AGE-APPROPRIATE EGOCENTRISM REMAINING AS A NARCISSISTIC TRAIT?

Could technology interfere with the progression or regress us?

TODAY’S TEENS?

“Today’s Teens: More Materialistic, Less Willing To Work”

Study compared attitudes of three generations of American HS seniors (1976-2007).

2005 – More money with less work!62% lots of money is important (vs 48% from 1976-78).

25% said work was important (vs 39% in 70s).

“This type of ‘fantasy gap’ is consistent with other studies showing a generational increase in narcissistism and entitlement.”

A RISE IN NARCISSISM?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is 3x’s as high for people in their 20s as for the generation currently 65 or older.

58% of college students scored higher on narcissism scale in 2008 than in 1982

40% of “millenials” believe they should be promoted every two years, regardless of performance.

Time Magazine, 2013, May 20th The New Greatest Generation: Why Millenials will save us all.

A RISE IN NARCISSISM?

Of Millenials (b1980-2000) … “Their development is stunted: more people ages 18-29 live with their parents than with a spouse… and they are lazy. In 1992, the nonprofit Families and Work Institute reported that 80% of people under 23 wanted to one day have a job with greater responsibility; 10 years later, on 60% did.”

Time Magazine, 2013, May 20th The New Greatest Generation: Why Millenials will save us all.

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF ZOMBIES?

IS THERE HOPE?

EXHUME

Stay Together. Keep safe.

Stay together. We are changing everything.

APRIL 11th

Boston Graduate School of Psychoanalysis

7-9pm

#WarmBodies

A PATIENT TOLD ME ABOUT A NEW GAME…

WHY TALK ABOUT BELONGING? MASLOW’S PYRAMID & SELF ESTEEM

Love and Belonging come BEFORE Self-

Esteem, not after it.

S0 WHAT ARE YOUR PERSONAL GOALS IN RELATIONSHIPS? WHY CONNECT?

Working with Difficult Behaviors: Starts with you…

THE THING YOU HAVE THE MOST DIFFICULTY BEING, IS GOING TO BE THE THING THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON NEEDS.

ALL BEHAVIOR IS AN ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE SOMETHING.

SELF CARE: KIDS ADJUST WHEN YOU DO.

THE LION WON’T EAT ME- I AM A VEGETARIAN:

Why love is not always the answer.

Remember, the more regressed, the more likely it comes down to fight or flight.

What keeps you out of your critter brain?

THE HATE THAT CURES

What is meant by an toxic overdose of love?

The importance of structure in frustrating mind

WE BELIEVE WE ARE THINKING CREATURES WHO FEEL, BUT WE ARE FEELING CREATURES WHO THINK.

SOLUTIONS

Maintain boundariesYou can be friendly, but you cant be

their friend

Avoid attacks on weak egos (avoid the use of you in favor of I)

TALK TALK TALK.. .use your thoughts and feelings to show words have a power

without a side effect.

SOLUTIONS (CONT)

Utilize strengthsFind creative ways to be with them

Try new things to see resultsGet consultations and help Refer out for special needs

Mind-body breaksBreath

Count to 125Be…

HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND IF YOUR TEACHER SAID… “YOU KIDS BETTER SHAPE UP, I AM IN NO MOOD TO FOOL AROUND TODAY.” “Oh, I better behave, she means business today.”

“Oh, what have I been doing wrong so far, am I fooling around now? Maybe I had better stay perfectly still.” (Freeze or Flight into themselves)

“Oh, she wants a fight… I can give her a fight.”

IF ONLY THIS WORK HAD WARNING SIGNS…

UNIVERSAL PRECAUTIONS FOR

WORKING WITH KIDS

TRANSFERENCES

You are not who you think you are… there are ghosts, baggage, and blue prints from other relations and attachments.

COUNTER TRANSFERENCES

You have feelings about them that are not necessarily about them…

They may be displaced from other places.

RESISTANCES

Remember to be aware of anything that might block talking in new a progressive ways.

Habits are hard to break- even unhealthy ones- do you have one?

WHY DO THIS WORK?

Only work that promotes growth and ego development

in both patient [or student] and therapist

[teacher/parent] is worth what [it] costs both to

do.  - Margaret Little

JUST ANOTHER ZANY IDEA FROM WILLIAM …READ TO KIDS… FAIRY TALES AND FANTASY

If internal pressure is too much, it has to get out of the child.

If a child is told only “real” stories – he may fail to get pleasure from unconscious fantasy and either avoid all inner life or totally engage in his head- Bettelheim, p66 The Uses of Enchantment

BUILDING HEALTHY RELATIONS

Maturity: It may have to start with you… they don’t have the skills, modeling, etc.

You are the only thing you have control over.

Remember- people come to us with solutions, not problems- they have evolved their ways of dealing. We can only offer them other (better?) solutions to getting what they want.

GREENSPAN WRITES (1998)

The ability to deal with group dynamics help children to develop cognitive and social skills valuable in school and beyond.

They learn that most life operates in shades of grey,

not all or nothing extremes.

(pg 25, The Challenging Child)

SKILL DEVELOPMENT

Ability to look, listen, be calmRelate (to feel closeness)Make Mind/Apply Emotional Breaks- learning to use words; “I am angry” as opposed to hitting or withdrawing.

Understanding and using non-verbal cues.

Use your own strength’s here… Work on your weaknesses!

PRACTICE AT THE DINNER TABLE! Yes, make them eat with you!)

EXPLORATION WITH THE CHILD

Listening does not mean agreeing! Object oriented questions

Avoid YOU, use I or talk to the universe Share your adult ego with those who are thin skinned.

Ask what you are supposed to do when…Read up on Active Listening…

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH APATHY?

Much of what we said really applies to apathy.

DECIDE on your atmosphere and tenor TALK about it with peers and then the kids

ADDRESS apathy.

REMEMBER: PREVENTION STRATEGIES

Talk vs Action! Identify triggers (what’s hardest for you is the most needed in toughest situations- our lesson from the Runaway Bunny)

Decreasing tension- containment and holding- aggression for destruction OR construction.

PREVENTION CONTINUED

Appropriate language – where they are at, one step behind, or one step ahead

Respect- Modeled and enacted Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

GOALS OF ENGAGEMENT

Join their perceptions to get a better understanding of the communication.

Remember, you are in charge and just because you are listening to them doesn’t mean you agree with them.

HOW DO I USE ANGER? (*MINE AND THEIRS)

Training, Supervision, Therapy

Meet them where they are.

Be the mature adult.

Never work harder than them!

Optimal Frustration is the key to change.

CONNECT IN AN AGE OF DISCONNECTION!

@DRWILLIAMSHARP

#WheelockSymposium

#WarmBodies

RESOURCES

Interested in taking a Myer-Briggs type test:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Good books: Reaching the Unreachable Child, Shelia Zaretsky

Emotional Muscle, John and Kerry Novick (ages 0-5, but it applies! )

RESOURCES CONTINUEDGOOD BOOKS ON ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT

Highly recommend:Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

How talk so your teen will listen. Good as well: I’d listen to my parents if they’d just shut up.

When we are in public, pretend you don’t know me.

Trust me mom, everyone is is goingYes, Your Teen is Crazy I’m not mad, I just hate you.

THEORETICAL BUT GOOD

Modern Psychoanalysis in the Schools, William Kirman

Resolving Resistances, Leslie Rosenthal

SOMETHING I LIKE TO REVIEW NOW AND THEN ABOUT THE LD CHILD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4f4rX0XEBA&feature=related Have you ever told someone to look at something harder? How about bribing them instead of intervening to help? How about threatening them when the bribe didn’t work? Have you ever blamed the victim (“you are not trying”/motivated)?

2 OF 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01tGtFQ0Ivs&feature=related If you were learning disabled, do you see how you might avoid taking risks? Do you see how lack of reinforcement for the right answer and punishment for the wrong answer can lead you to not wanting to respond to surprises in class?

3 OF 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G9--hUQDwY Fair and Equal? Have you ever used the “its not fair to others” argument to not help someone who needed something?

DR WILLIAM SHARP

Psychoanalyst 617 216 3871 DrWilliamSharp@gmail.com One Harvard St., Brookline MA 02445 @DrWilliamSharp for Twitter Takeaways

PRESCRIPTION PAD

Parent: _______________

Authorized to: __ join with a resistance instead of fight it

__ try something new when all regular methods have failed.

__ get angry and be human as needed

Prescribing therapist:_____________________

William Sharp, PsyaD