from successful strategies to strategies that are doomed to fail

Responses to Conversational Comments

From Successful Strategies to Strategies that are DOOMED TO FAIL

When we’re in a conversation with others, we’re expected to respond in ways that keep the conversation going.

It’s kind of like playing catch with a ball, when the goal is to keep the ball moving from person to person so everyone feels included and comfortable.

Some conversational strategies tend to be more effective than others.

Perhaps it will not surprise you to learn that the most effective conversational strategies (that is, the ones that make people feel the best about talking with us), are not the easiest.

The more we practice effective conversational strategies, the easier they become.

(Thank Goodness!)

Here are some strategies that are NOT likely to give people good thoughts:

#1 Giving ADVICE

Unless someone asks you for advice, DON’T GIVE IT!

NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS THE SOLUTION TO THE PERSON’S PROBLEM OR STRESS SEEMS TO YOU.

#2 Correcting People don’t like being

corrected for a couple of reasons:

1) Correcting someone interrupts the flow of the conversation (annoying)

2) People have a general aversion to being corrected. It can be perceived as a put-down, even if it isn’t intended that way. So it often makes people feel bad (and frustrated with the corrector).

#3 Rebutting

Rebuttals make people feel like we haven’t heard or understood the point they’re trying to make.

People like to know that we understand what they’re staying, even if we don’t agree.

Rebuttals often start with:Well…Actually…Yes, but…

Do and of these enter your conversations?

Not Responding Adequately

Who would possibly think we’re interested in what they’re saying if we don’t respond?!

I’m listening. I’m

listening.

Whopping Topic Changes

Completely changing the subject

Uploading TOO MUCH information

Sharing too many details or talking for too long makes people’s brains tired.

Uploading TOO MUCH information

Symptoms from the listener may include:

Nodding quickly (means “I’ve got it… move on.”)

Saying, “You’ve told me this before” or “I know” (or equivalent statement).

Repeating statements like, “right, right” repeatedly

Signs of boredom: body turned away from you, looking away (esp. at clock/watch), glazed eyes.

Highjacking the conversation

Responding on-topic, but with your own comment.

For example, if someone tells you they just got a new video game, and you respond, “I just got one, too. Let me tell you all about it…”

One Upmanship

When someone tells you something, you respond with something bigger.

For example, if someone tells you, “I got a B on that math test.” and you say, “I got an A.” or

I have so much work to do. I haven’t had a day off in a week.” And you say, “I haven’t had a day off in a month!”

Add a thought

Comments that connect your experience with the speakers are okay, even good, as long as you don’t hijack the conversation.

People like to know that you have something in common with them.

Add a thought

It’s usually better to add to the speaker’s thought instead of just saying what you think (especially if you disagree with the speaker’s sentiment).

For example: “I saw Spiderman 8 last weekend. It was great!”

OK, “Spiderman is okay, but the plot lines have become inconsistent.”

BETTER: “Cool. I’ve seen them all and really like them.”

Asking Questions

Asking follow up questions is a great way to make people feel like you’re interested.

Helpful hints:

Avoid asking follow up questions about sensitive issues. For example, if

someone has been sick, it wouldn’t be a good idea to ask how often they threw up, what they threw up, and where they threw up.

Avoid asking TOO many questions. People don’t like to feel like they are being interviewed or interrogated.

Supportive Comments

Encouraging comments that let people know that you understand how they feel and support them.

Reflective Comments

Summarizing how you think the person feels

Wrong way

Right way. “You must be really sad, Beatrice.”

Oops… she needs more practice

And finally.. Humor can work, but know your audience.