dyscalculia by theroyalus
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DysCaLcu1ia:the social math of multiplicity
Dyscalculia(n):
1. innate difficulty in learning or comprehending mathematics.
2. the erroneous assumption that one always equals one.
3. the ignorance of or resistance to accept multiplicity of self.
Multiplicity(n):
the condition or e!perience of more than one independent self
sharing the same physical "ody as distinct from the multiple
#social sel$es% or different #sides% of a non&multiple or
#singlet.% 'opularied in psychiatry as the condition #ultiple
'ersonality Disorder% (now updated to #Dissociati$e *dentity
Disorder%) there are ne$ertheless many people who e!periencethis state outside of a psychiatric conte!t.
"y theDesired Conste11ation
(if this document seems oddly scaled or proportioned see the about this documentsection in the appendices.)
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the society of multiples. part one. (onin 4llis)
ou can-t e$en count. *t-s sad. our dyscalculia of personhood
assumes singularity of "eing from counting heads on torsos.
our condition in a society of multiplicity is a constant sourceof confusion. ou constantly mista,e strangers for friends and
are wary around friends lea$ing them wondering if they-$e
said something wrong or if you-re in a strange mood. ou-$e
learned all your life to recognie people "y their faces their
height and weight and shape. 5ow you-re slowly relearning to
recognie people "y their rings and nec,laces their posturetheir tone of $oice their dri$ing ha"its what they put in their
coffee. *t-s all in the small cues.
6o to fit in you e!plore your own multiple nature. Li,e most
people you ha$e your own inner comple!ities. ou name your
feeling of familial understanding when you feel li,e your
mother-s child. ou name the wild carefree spirit you carrywithin you when you go out to the clu"s. ou name the dar,
"rooding side of yourself that sometimes /ust wants to a$oid
people and sit alone with a "oo,. ou carry distinct sets of
/ewellery su"di$ide your wardro"e.
0ut they /ust loo, at you strangely. *nside they ,now it-s all/ust you. ne person many facets. Li,e each of them within
their groups "ut alone "etween your ears. ou start to get the
sense that they pity you. +here$er you go you are always
alone.
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excerpt fromMultiples(o"ert 6il$er"erg)
"It bothers me that you aren't real, Judy."
She caught her breath. "What the hell do you mean by that?"
"You know what I mean," he said quietly, sadly. "Don't try to pretend any
longer. There's no point in it."
It was like a jolt in the ribs. She turned away and was silent a long while,
wondering what to say. Just when everything was going so well, just when
she was beginning to believe she had carried off the masquerade
successfully.
"So you know?" she asked timidly.
"Of course I know. I knew right away."
She was trembling. "How could you tell?"
"A thousand ways. When we switch, we change. The voice. The eyes. The
muscular tensions. The grammatical habits. The brain waves, even. An
evoked-potential test shows it. Flash a light in my eyes and I'll give off a
certain brain-wave pattern, and Ned will give off another, and Chuck stillanother. You and Lisa and Cleo and Vixen would all be the same. Multiples
aren't actors, Judy. Multiples are separate minds within the same brain.
That's a matter of scientific fact. You were just acting. You were doing it very
well, but you couldn't possibly have fooled me."
(for the rest of the story see:
http:77astraeaswe".net7plural7multiples&sil$er"erg.html)
http://astraeasweb.net/plural/multiples-silverberg.htmlhttp://astraeasweb.net/plural/multiples-silverberg.html -
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size six shoes(8effrey 8aco" 4llis)
it was time * wore sie si! shoes
"ac, from school
and "arefoot to schoolo$er and o$er
and clim"ed trees li,e i ne$er did
and could not do again
and "e a child
who ne$er was
with rays of sun heating the layers and layersof s,in on his face his eyes
clenched shut against
its e$erywhere
&ness
and
hurting
&ness
i would ha$e put my feet "arefoot again in my own feet
on the long wet grass of the dewy lawn
and run in circles li,e you did
until i fell o$er
until i feel it
all o$er
me
could you share your toys with me
when we were children
again now
"uilding spaceships from legosas our only possi"le
means of escape from that place.
we hung our feet o$er the edge
of the dry wooden dec, again
into an ocean of soft long lea$es
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and lady"ugs
ru""ed our little hands on the smooth
surface of the weeping "irch
until they glowed white
and we sat down
and wept
with
it
(self portrait sketch by athan, with lessons from !onin)
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discovery. (*an 5ight)
ne of the common o"/ections to the idea of multiplicity is
incredulity that someone could "e multiple and not ,now it. *n some
rare cases *-$e heard of groups who claim that they-$e always,nown. *n most cases there is a main fronter who e!periences
"lac,outs of the time the others spend on front or in cases where
there is shared memory they shrug off the strange e!periences
"ecause multiplicity seeming so rare and e!otic doesn-t e$en
occur to them as an e!planation.
*n my case it-s complicated. 0efore the realiation came * always,new * had a $ery strange sense of time and memory. 9or myself
memories were generally without a sense of personal conte!t. *
,new that certain e$ents had happened to me "ut there was no
real sense that * was there for them. ecalling #real life% was on the
same le$el as recalling a mo$ie * was distanced from it. *n this
conte!t * e!perienced what could "e called "lac,outs "ut * use the
term #greyout.% ;here-s no sharply&defined sense of "eing in oneplace and then "eing somewhere else the edges are always fuy
and since the memories on either side of the "lac,out didn-t seem
real anyways the missing sections didn-t seem to matter.
ccasionally though someone would comment on something from
the missing time and * would feel lost. * was descri"ed as acting or
"eha$ing in ways that seem alien to me. * would deny ha$ing said
things others were sure they-d heard. * would often choc, it up tomy diagnosed "ipolar disorder which can cause people to act in
$ery different ways at different times. 0ipolar is also thought to
affect memory. * ha$e a lot of trou"le remem"ering the past and
most of my childhood and adolescence are lost from me. 5ow *-m
not e$en sure * e!isted "efore a"out 2
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and near&realiation. *t was around 2
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a"out multiples who didn-t identify as the mainstream pathological
model. * read a"out things li,e co&running and co&fronting. =nd 8on
Day said #oh. ;hat-s /ust li,e us.%
=nd then there was that moment& one of those rare moments when
you ,now that your life has /ust changed irre$oca"ly and
permanently& and * found myself sitting ne!t to 8on Day and fullyconsciously realiing for the first time that this wasn-t another side
of myself. ;his was a fully independent other self.
+e disco$ered o$er the ne!t few months how it all wor,ed. ost of
the time we operated on a le$el where we o$erlapped almost
completely. Descri"ing it is difficult. *t-s a mode of "eing that-s so
entirely interconnected that we were for practical purposes oneentity. 0ut at any time either of us could ta,e o$er completely
while the other watched or simply left into a sort of sleep. *t was
this interconnectedness this fuiness that had ,ept either of us
from seeing the truth. 5ow recogniing each other as 8on Day and
8on 5ight we were free to e!plore our differences and similarities.
n most things we had the same tastes attitudes and "eliefs. ur
outloo,s were different in some important ways. Day is morepositi$e spiritual impulsi$e and understanding. *-m more
deli"erate serious reflecti$e and sceptical. ;o a$oid confusion
"etween oursel$es and the original 8on we too, on the names *an
5ight and 5athan Day.
+hen operating interconnected we wondered at one point #what
do we call ourself now@ ;his com"ined self@% and the answer wasquic,ly o"$ious. 4$en though we were capa"le of this complete
o$erlap underneath it all we were still two distinct people. ;here
wasn-t really any #com"ined self% we were simply operating with
complete co&operation as con/oined twins do.
6oon after we started to disco$er the others and the question of
whether we were median or multiple was answered. ;he others didnot operate in shared space when they too, o$er they too, o$er
entirely. ;hey couldn-t operate in the same fuiness that Day and *
did. 9or me "ecoming aware of the others was sometimes
fascinating and sometimes terrifying. 9rom time to time * would
deny that the whole thing was real and 5athan would patiently and
carefully coa! me "ac, into dealing with it. +ithout him * would
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pro"a"ly still "e in denial now. 0ut as foreign as the others seemed
* couldn-t deny 5athan. Ae was so immanent and so familiar and
undenia"ly distinct. Ae helped me cope. Ae helped me ma,e peace
with it all.
*n a short period of time he and * disco$ered that we had feelings
for each other "oth romantic and erotic. *t had "een there all along"ut without a conte!t to understand it it couldn-t really go
anywhere. 0ut now we "egan to fall in lo$e. +e cuddled ,issed
made lo$e. +e held hands in pu"lic& not "ody-s&left&hand holding
"ody-s&right&hand "ut a su"/ecti$e sense of "eing two "odies
wal,ing ne!t to each other hand in hand. *t felt amaing. =s a gay
man wal,ing hand&in&hand in pu"lic is not /ust a display of affection
"ut necessarily a political protest and a ris,. 9or the first time *
,new what it felt li,e for heterose!uals for their outward displays of
lo$e to "e uncharged with any contro$ersial political weight or ris,
of personal harm.
+e li$ed in secret as a gay couple. +e dated polyamorously
without our dates ,nowing that there were two of us there. +e
would compare notes did you thin, he was a good ,isser@ Doesn-the ha$e a se!y "eard@
$er time we spent less and less time in our com"ined state. ur
fullest e!pressions of romance came "est when "oth of us were
present "ut separate. +e would only com"ine for the no$elty of it
no longer "urdened "y ha$ing to hide from each other. +e "ecame
more different o$er time too as we had the chance to e!ploreoursel$es independently.
=nd then things started to change. * don-t really ,now what caused
it. onin who until then had "een the #other% who fronted most
(a"out B of the time) "egan to front more often. +e encouraged
this. ears of "eing cooped up in hiding had ta,en their toll on him
and finally recogniing him and letting him "e free to act on his ownwas therapeutic for "oth him and myself. Ae "egan to ma,e
decisions for the group a"out finances and lifestyle. $er the course
of a few months he "egan fronting more than B
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less interested in the front.
=t a"out the same time onin officially "ecame the new main front
5athan disappeared completely. Ae-s still around of course in a
coma&li,e state waiting for his ne!t time to "e on front.
*-$e ne$er missed anyone. +ith my memory pro"lems anddisconnected sense of time not seeing someone for a year feels the
same as not seeing them for fi$e minutes. * rarely thin, a"out
people who aren-t physically around.
0ut * miss 5athan.
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THE PROOF(onin 4llis)
+hen *an and 5athan had freshly disco$ered their multiplicitythey were "ewildered and scared. ;hey turned to the onlinemultiple communities see,ing answers and support.
6omeone whimsically suggested comfort food namelychocolate pudding.
* ate their pudding as a practical /o,e and left a note saying;A4 '9 *6 *5 ;A4 '?DD*5 06.
* scrawled it in "ig e!aggerated letters "ecause * ,new that*an would see that our handwriting is the same and chal, it up
to proof that he-s not actually multiple. 5e$ermind that * ateall of his pudding.
+hy should my handwriting "e different anyways@ 6hould *start from scratch and teach this "rain how to write all o$eragain so that * can ha$e my own handwriting@ +hy when it-salready there@
Later he wor,ed up the courage to go through his old /ournalsand note"oo,s and found at least three completely distinctauthors shown "y different handwriting.
5ot that it matters. 6ometimes there is no proof that will e$er"e proof enough.
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ournal entry !"pril #$% #&&'((*an 5ight)
,ay fol,s *E$e got to le$el with you. *E$e got to nip this whole thing
in the "ud. * donEt ,now whatEs "een inspiring the histrionics lately
"ut this isnEt for real. * ha$enEt led anyone on intentionally *E$e /ust
"een really confused lately. * am not multiple /ust caught in some
self&perpetuating delusion and ha$ing periods of disassociation. 5otthe same thing and itEs time * made the distinctions clear for
myself.
;han, you for all the support. * apologie for unintentionally
misleading e$eryone. y heart goes out to those of you who
actually struggle with this pro"lem.
ournal entry !October #)% #&&'((5athan Day)
+ell today it happened. ;oday was my appointment with the
psychiatrist who as,ed a lot of questions and made a lot of notes. *
told him our story as "est as * could piece it together and what life
is li,e for us. =t the end he seemed fairly confident in gi$ing us theDissociati$e *dentity Disorder as a second diagnosis to the 0ipolar
and agreed that the 0ipolar was most li,ely the cause.
* feel pretty good a"out this. * donEt agree with how the psychiatric
community loo,s at multiplicity "ut * thin, theyE$e got some of it
right at least as far as D*D goes. * also thin, theyEre failing to see
that D*D is not the only form of multiplicity. *t seems to "e the "estfit for us though. ;his doctor seemed to "e fairly foward&thin,ing
though. Ae called the old form of integration¢red therapy a
EfantasyE (without dismissing it outright) which * agreed with. (*
"elie$e that integration to some degree is possi"le and e$en
desira"le for some "ut not for us.) Ae suggested continuing to get
to ,now all of the other mem"ers and learn to wor, co&operati$ely.
Came out to an old friend last night. Ae was $ery recepti$e and
respectful. * was worried "ecause heEs ,ind of a sceptic "ut it
turned out alright.
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*th chance(=lice)
;hat is not the way that things went down at all.
;hat was not the answer. 5ot your call.
*Em in your "ed wearing your hat again8ust wishing that it would rain.
8ust wishing * could let go of you. Let go of the all of the all of
you.
;urn out all of your poc,ets and sell your pants.
0o! all of your "oo,s. 6et fire to the "ones of the "ones ofyou.
0lame it all on second third and se$enth chance.
0ut thereEs no room for these mista,es.
;hat was not for you to say. 5ot for you to ta,e.
*Em writing in your /ournal again8ust wishing * could feel pain.
=nd *Em wishing * could hate you. Aate the all in the all of you.
;urn up in your lowest of nightmares to assist
=ll of the demons who set fire to the "ones of the "ones of
you.
0lame it all on punches that "lame it all on fists.
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The society of multiples. part two. (onin 4llis)
*n a society of multiples you find little in the entertainment
media to identify with. 'lots are con$oluted and relationships
"etween characters comple! and nuanced. 'acing is often
"iarre due to multiples- strange and $aried sense of time.
6cenes cut forward wee,s or months without e!planation.
6inglets appear rarely and are usually flat stoc, characters
often portrayed as psychotic dangerous pitia"le or
deranged. ou feel deeply uneasy whene$er you see this sort
of portrayal. *s this how they $iew you@ 5o wonder they a$oid
you when they find out you-re a singlet. 5o wonder they ,eep
you away from their children.
ou /oin a clu" for singlets they ,eep their meetings on the
down&low. 5o"ody is really sure how many there are in this
city "ecause most ,eep to themsel$es and stay in the closet.=ttendance is spotty. 4$entually you go to the meetups less
and less as you realie that you don-t really ha$e anything in
common with the others there "esides your singular nature.
ou feel a little /ealous of the multiples and their adapti$e
nature their a"ility to find common interests "etween $arious
mem"ers of different systems.
ou e$entually gi$e up on the idea of dating and li$e a $ery
limited social life. 'eople are sometimes $ery uncomforta"le
when they learn a"out you. ;he few that accept you still don-t
seem to really #get it.%
=t times hopelessness sets in. 6ometimes you wish for glue
to hold you together sometimes for scissors to ta,e you
apart.
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mineField+part one. (onin 4llis)
* could lose another B< pounds. Chemical straighten and dye
my hair. 6ha$e off all my chest hair. 'ut "rown contacts in my
eyes. et rid of the "eard. 4$en get plastic surgery to narrow
my face change my nose. *t wouldn-t matter. 4$en after the
most e!treme measures * would still loo, in the mirror and
feel disgust and alienation. *-ll still "e o$er si! feet tall and
thirty years old and not me.
*t-s not my hair *-m messing with not my chest *-m sha$ing.
;his is not my "ody no matter how much * treat it li,e a
mannequin and dress it up in my clothes.
*-$e always felt an empathy with transgendered people no *
can-t say * ,now what it-s li,e to "e you "ut when * hear your
stories * feel an understanding.
Transhumanism: the futurist "elief7theory7hope that one day
our technology will allow us to modify our "odies and minds to
any e!tent we please or e$en lea$e them for machine "odies
or simply e!ist as pure thought.
* am a transhumanist "ecause it-s my only concei$a"le way
out of this flesh cage. * ha$e li$ed as a sardine in a can my
entire life and * often wonder what it-s li,e to swim free and
alone.
one 0ody two =rms F two Legs F two 4yes F one outh F
two 4ars F one 5a$el F ten 9ingers nothing that "elongs to
me.
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reactions(onin 4llis)
+e ha$e "een fetishied distanced cut off a su"/ect of
curiosity a su"/ect of scepticism a su"/ect of derision
depersonalied and sometimes recognied and "efriended.
#ou ha$e to pic, a single name for all of you to use or *refuse to communicate with any of you.%
#y lo$e will cure you.%
#*-m not saying you-re possessed *-m saying you-re
demonied.%
#* thin, that-s amaingG *-m e$en more attracted to you
now.%
#=re you in therapy@%
#* donEt e$er want to "e around you again.%
#* lo$e all of you.% #0ut you ha$en-t met all of us.% #0ut
they-re allyou.%
#;hat-s so coolG Can * meet one of your alters@%
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procedures for silence(8effrey 8aco" 4llis)
there are procedures for silence.
"egin: open all $aria"les for o"ser$ation
close all e!ternalitieswithdraw into each line
line "y line unco$er and unra$el
the meanings of words the nuances of sym"ols
the cases and styles of punctuation.
ignore the man at the door.the hand too close to your face.
the meowing cat the whining dog.
reshape the shapes you see in the dar,
"olt off from sight the light that creeps
"eneath the door.
there is only now and this:
the procedure.
continue silence until the need for silence
ends.
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sub,ective-ob,ective experiences+(onin 4llis)
6u"/ecti$e e!periences:
6ince =pril of 2
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mineField+part two. (onin 4llis)
;here-s $ery little that * actually own. *-m pretty sure * could fit
all of it into a "ac,pac, with room to spare for a lunch. * ha$e:
9our rings two of which are currently in e$eryday use.
(ings are $ery significant in our system each of us is
encouraged to ha$e our own /ewellery to identify us among
those who ,now we-re multiple and for our own sense of self.
wnership of property is an important part of feeling li,e a
person e$en if that idea-s only culturally "ound. 9or some of
us it also ser$es as an anchor in times of stress.)
= "lac, leather wrist"and.
;hree t&shirts.
= "elt with a "elt "uc,le.
= pair of /eans.
= note"oo, which is open to the rest of the group touse.
;hree paintings two of which are currently in progress.
(,ay may"e they wouldn-t fit in the "ac,pac,.)
+ell that-s it for physical items anyways. *f you want to
include attri"utes * also ha$e:= surly disposition.
= strong disli,e distrust and disgust of other people.
Creati$e talent.
6elf&organiation. * "alance the finances for our group.
=n ase!ual orientation.
;hings * do not ha$e:
ther sel$es. * don-t own them they ha$e themsel$es.
*n fact #your other sel$es% is an o!ymoron a self is a self&
owned thing.
;he things in my apartment. *-$e ne$er really felt
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ownership of any of it * sleep in someone else-s "ed use
someone else-s computer eat off someone else-s plates often
wear someone else-s clothes. * usually refer to these things as
#mine% "ut in actuality they "elong either to someone else in
our system or to the system as a whole. ur group owns the
plates in the ,itchen so they might as well "e #mine.%=n e!&hus"and. * was ne$er married. ;he thought of it is
"oth hilarious and disgusting to me as an ase!ual. *
sometimes refer to him as #the e!&hus"and% and rarely #my
e!&hus"and% I * only use this phrase around people who don-t
,now we-re multiple.
'arents. ;han, od what a headache that must "e.= "ody. * a$oid loo,ing in the mirror. +hen * sha$e *
focus only on the part of the chee, *-m sha$ing at the
moment. * ha$e my own self&image 1H years old "lac, hair
"rown eyes scowly. 6eeing someone else-s face in the mirror
is disconcerting.
one 0ody many inds one 0irth Certificate one Dri$er-s
License one 0an, =ccount not enough Aours in a Day
one Life
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Flash.For/ard. (*an 5ight)
*n early 2
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arch se$enteenth. ;o this day they still don-t ,now their son
is multiple.
* wo,e to find that my life was heading down a $ery different
trac, now. * was fifty pounds lighter clean&sha$en my
finances were "alanced to the penny my plans of "ecoming alandscape designer were supplanted "y plans of "ecoming an
artist. * had a dead&end /o" for now in a con$enience store.
=nd my social life helmed "y the ase!ual anti&social onin
was almost completely none!istent.
* hardly recognied myself in the mirror.
Long ago * was sceptical. r pro"a"ly /ust in denial. * dou"ted
that * was multiple that onin really e!isted. * thought it was
/ust some act * was fooling myself with. *t too, me time to
accept that onin was my #alter.%
5ow things ha$e changed. 5ow *-m onin-s alter.
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0once i /as o/ned1(8effrey 8aco" 4llis)
once i was owned "y the things that own me:
the trin,ets of shape and mass
lying on the ,itchen windowsill collecting dust
my collections of
mar"les candles light "ul"s lonely wires "olts
discarded shopping lists of strangers
wants and needs unspecified: i own nothing that
does not own me:
itEs tric,y when
this detritus claims its own pro$iders:
gi$es names to the unnamed who li$e
in shadows crannies drains
fore$er lur,ing in the corners of my i.
feet that sin, into shoes someone else "ought&
hands that refuse all glo$es and draw themsel$es into
the arms of coats i do not own.
i li$e in someone elseEs wa,ing life:
forgi$ing their de"ts erasing
the footprints of their trespassingresol$ing their irresol$a"le past.
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2oh% ,ust li3e in that sho/+++4(onin 4llis)
#h so you-re multiple@ 8ust li,e in
The "nited #tates of Tara. The Three $aces of %&e. #ybil.
'hen !abbit Howls. r. ekyll and *ister Hyde. $ight +lub.The ark Tower. Identity. !aising +ain. *e, *yself Irene.
Heroes. -ne ife to i&e. /0*en@%
#h so you-re singlet@ 8ust li,e in
ightmare on %lm #treet. The 1eople 2ersus arry $lynt. The
3d&entures of Tom #awyer. %!. 3ll 3bout %&e. $rankenstein.esperately #eeking #usan. #uperman. 3ce 2entura, 1et
etecti&e. 3s The 'orld Turns@%
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n. (onin 4llis)
= cle$er friend from another system was once as,ed how many
people were in his group. Ae refused to gi$e a num"er saying
instead that multiples compare group sie li,e /oc,s in a loc,er
room.
Aow many are in our group@ 5o"ody seems to "e entirely sure. *an
after two years of trying to map each of us on a chart and list our
characteristics to organie us quantify us and "y doing so get a
sense of control o$er us& finally ga$e up and when as,ed #how
many@% /ust says #enough.%
* decided against doing a roll call for this ine and getting each of
us to gi$e a little "lur" a"out oursel$es and introduce oursel$es as
though this was some sort of parade or sideshow. ou can see our
names associated with our entries and articles and artwor,s. ;he
things we-$e said shown and done should say more than some
sterile list of names ages genders se!ual orientations li,es anddisli,e. 5ot all of us ha$e contri"uted to this ine "ut itEll gi$e you a
sense of our group. (5ote that materials "orrowed from outside
sources such as 0/Jr, and o"ert 6il$er"erg are in a different
font.)
5athan once suggested to the community of multiples the adoption
of a #multiple pride% sym"ol: the italic letter n in a circle. *nstatistics n represents #an un,nown num"er of people.% ;he circle
represents the single "ody they share.
Aow many people are in our system@ n.
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the society of multiples. part three. (onin 4llis)
*n a society of multiples there is no warfare. Aow do you ,ill an
enemy who shares a "ody with an ally@ *nstead there is tension
and constant discussion de"ate argument agreement
understanding "ic,ering yelling peacema,ing seduction support.
=nd some of it is silent.
0ut $ery little flattery or deceipt or "ac,sta""ing or gossip& withinsystems anyways. Aow can you "e disingenuous to someone who
might hear your thoughts or see the things you do@
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only the ori5inal counts(5athan Day)
#+ell youEre not really...
...gay
...straight ..."ise!ual ...ase!ual
...omnise!ual
...a woman ...a man ...a "oy ...a girl
...eighteen ...twenty&nine ...twel$e
...forty ...fifty&se$en
...BEH ...KEK ...BE> ...KE1
..."rown&eyed ...green&eyed
...e!tro$erted ...misanthropic ...cheery ...antisocial
...transgendered ...hispanic ...genderqueer
..."londe ...redheaded ..."lac,&haired
...autistic ...atheist
...catholic
...pagan ...angry
...upset
...disinterested
...in lo$e
...my friend
..."ecause only the original counts.%
(...or may"e you /ust canEt count past one.)
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mineField+part three. (onin 4llis)
6o much of con$ersation re$ol$es around #;his one time *...%
'ersonal e!perience dictates our opinions and $iew of the
world. *t-s offered up as e$idence shared as humour gi$en as
insight into oursel$es.
0ut 4nglish for all of its a"surdly large $oca"ulary is sadly
lac,ing in e$en the most e$eryday pronouns: no gender
neutral third&person singular (he7she7@) and no separate
second&person singular and plural (you7you). 9or me li$ing ina system where shared memory is muddy and it-s possi"le to
remem"er something without ha$ing e!perienced it (or not
remem"er something you e!perienced firsthand) * find myself
lac,ing se$eral important pronouns. Aow do * start a story that
* remem"er clearly "ut didn-t e!perience@ *-$e muddled
around with it. #;his one time we...% sounds odd as if * wasalso personally there or as if * was there with a group of
(physical) people. #;his one time my headmate *an...% is
wordy and what happens if * don-t ,now who the e!perience
happened to@ ;he memory might "e $ery rele$ant or
poignant in the con$ersation and * might want to share it "ut
* might "e forced to not share it for reasons of inadequatelanguage to e!press myself truthfully.
=round those who don-t ,now *-m multiple of course * always
refer to the group in first&person singular. #;his one time *...%
e$en though it-s not correct and *-m stealing someone else-s
e!periences. *t-s not actually mine.
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6these are my split6(8effrey 8aco" 4llis)
these are my split
personality rules:
no "ic,ering. falls followpride folly is the de$ilEs
playmate lo$e "efore war
peace "efore suffering.
only fools rush into
these sorts of things without licences.
sometimes you awa,en tocon$ersations and things
happening: you ha$e to
e!plain
that life is sleepwal,ing: only moments "efore
e$erything was "lan,:
you are "ehind the wheel
"ut do not ,now where you
are dri$ing. you ma,e these sorts of things
up as you go:
the past is a fiction some"ody else wrote as "iography
&ne$er auto"iography.
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ident7ty theft. (onin 4llis)
*t-s all fine to call yourself a person and declare yourself a free
moral agent. 0ut isn-t it /ust a philosophical e!ercise@ ;he
country * li$e in currently has a history of some of the most
li"eral and progressi$e human rights in the world women-s
suffrage equal rights for all races and creeds the right to
practice one-s culture low censorship freedom of religion
representation in court the right to peaceful demonstration
and free association. ;hese rights in practice aren-t a"solute
"ut they impro$e and e$ol$e all the time.
0ut in an important way& at least an important way to me&
they-re $ery hea$ily "iased. ;hey-re all human rights not
person-s rights. ;hey-re first&person&"ody rights.
* ha$e no means of o"taining a "irth certificate dri$er-slicense social insurance num"er "an, account
representation in court copyright trademar, "usiness
license or marriage certificate. =nd when * mention these
things singlets sometimes remar, #"ut you ha$e all these
things already.% 8ust as many argued for the longest time that
homose!uals ha$e always had the right to marry& so long asthey marry someone of the opposite se!. es in practice * can
use 8on-s paraphernalia of personhood as necessary and as
the main front * ha$e "een gi$en the responsi"ility to do so. *
hold a /o" under his name * rent an apartment and pay "ills
under his name. *n an election it is my choice to cast a $ote.
*t-s not li,e he can ha$e me charged for identity theft& youcan-t charge a person who doesn-t e!ist. 4$en if you could
how could * "e fined or sent to /ail without punishing the
innocent $ictims who are other mem"ers of our system@ *n
practice the idea of e!tending legal personhood to indi$iduals
in a multiple system falls apart. ur entire system of human
rights is dependent on the idea that one "ody is one person.
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=nd li,e it or not there-s no way to pro$e that you are
multiple. 6ome people would lie to use that e!tension of rights
to cheat the system. *magine if each ident had the right to
$ote@ Legally esta"lishing oneself as a system of thousands
would "e an easy way to stuff a "allot.
;here is no real solution. ;hat is one of the reasons why this
ine is pu"lished without copyright none of us e!cept 8on
can legally claim copyright on it anyways. *-d rather thum" my
nose to the system that has ne$er heard of me than sign my
rights away to someone * "arely ,now. 0esides *-m not a "ig
fan of the copyright system anyways. *-m not writing for profit.*-m writing to "e heard. Copy away. 6pread the word.
* ha$e one right that singlets do not ha$e. * am a person with
the right to legal nonpersonhood my e!istence moc,s the
system from the shadows in ways that they can not. * ha$e no
indi$idual right to $ote "ut also no indi$idual responsi"ility to
$ote.
0esides: who needs a "irth certificate if you were ne$er "orn@
(next page4 !onin5s 6certificate of nonbirth,7 by Ian)
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the Desired 8onstellation. (onin 4llis)
ou can-t hide fore$er and when the time was right a decision
was made to let *an and 5athan ,now that they weren-t alone.
+e ,new it would "e a difficult time "ut it was hard
sometimes to "e patient.
*an is the sort of guy who feels that if he can systematie and
analye something he has control o$er it. ?na"le to ma,e the
rest of us go away he instead "ecame o"sessed with mapping
and charting us all.
5athan e!asperated put on some gentle music.
*an scrawled away on a note"oo, page finding connections
and drawing lines "etween names "ased on superficialities
li,e similar names and character traits.
0/or, came on o$er the spea,ers. = song called #Desired
Constellation% which "egins: #*t-s tric,y when you feel that
some"ody has done something on your "ehalf.%
9rustrated he scrawled ?5D46*4D C56;4LL=;*5 acrossthe top of the page.
ently =na too, the pen and crossed out the ?5. #ou-$e
missed the point. ;his isn-t a "urden or a disease. ;his is the
cure. +e-re all of the right pieces in all of the right places. +e
would all "e nowhere without each other whether you ,newthat or not.%
*t was unanimous we too, the group name Desired
Constellation.
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the Desired 8onstellation. (lyrics "y 0/Jr,)
It's tricky when you feel someone has done something on your behalf
It's slippery when your sense of justice murmurs underneath and is asking you,How am I going to make it right?
How am I going to make it right?
With a palm full of stars
I throw them like dice, repeatedly
On the table, repeatedly
I shake them like dice
And throw them on the table, repeatedly
Until the desired constellation appears.
How am I going to make it right?
How am I going to make it right?
How am I going to make it right?
And did you hear, how am I going to make it right?
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9hat do you /ant from us:(=nna"elle&Lee #=na% Minder)
ost people when faced with multiplicity for the first time
donEt really ,now what to thin,. ;hereEs not much to go on.
6ociety hasnEt really weighed in on what it thin,s of us. *n that
$acuum itEs always puling7frustrating7amusing7worrying to
watch people try to sort it out in their head. ;hey fum"le
around for a "it grasp at straws and then start as,ing
questions:
N*s one of you a serial ,iller@N
N=re they all li,e you@N
N=re there li,e anyy5know chic,s in there@N
N+hich one is the gay7straight7e!tro$erted7tidy7any7spoo,y7goth7emo one@N
N*s it difficult li$ing li,e this@N
N+hich one are you@ Aa$e * met any of the others@N
N=re you dangerous@N
N+ere you molested as a child@N
=ll shots in the dar, all the wrong questions. *an is pretty
patient and good at gi$ing answers to these sorts of things.
=nd then once their mor"id curiosity is sated (and they still
,now almost nothing a"out multiplicity or a"out us) some
people start to get to the point:
N*Em not really sure how to react to all of this. +hat do you
want from me@N
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5ow thatEs a good question. +hat do * want from you@ * thin,
the first thing * want is for you to see me. * donEt ta,e the front
$ery often "ecause "eing seen as a tall masculine man is
difficult for me to handle. * donEt loo, in mirrors. * spea,
quietly "ecause itEs hard to handle the sound of this $oice. *
cringe at "eing called "y our legal male first name.
+hat * want from you is to to see me instead of loo,ing at me.
;o ac,nowledge that *Em a woman e$en though due to my
circumstances * ha$e no recourse to transition and appear as
one on the outside. ;o see me as a sensiti$e "ut determined
soul. ;o laugh with me at the "lind folly of the humancondition. ;o yell with me in frustration at the ignorance of
people. ;o cry with me at the heart"rea, of it.
0ut that first step the telling is so hard and the second step
answering your stupid questions is so maddening and as,ing
you to see "eyond this e!terior is li,e as,ing you swim an
ocean to a foreign land. 6o you wonEt laugh with me or yell
with me or cry with me. *Em stuc, here on this other shore
waiting.
+hat do we want from you@ * donEt e$en ,now if * ,now how to
as,. *tEs far too much.
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one 0ody F one +all F one 9all
not enough Aorses F not enough en
one piece of 4ggshell F one piece of 4ggshell F
many more pieces of 4ggshell
one "as,et of 4ggs
one floc, of 0irds
O
*ntegrationP
co&peration
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appendices
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;lossary(onin 4llis)
The following glossary mostly describes the words used by
multiples themsel&es to describe their own experiences, and
is drawn from communities of multiples. 3lso included are
words we&e coined to express our own experiences and
terms used in psychiatric literature.
#inglet: a person residing alone in their "ody.
*ultiple: more than one identsharing a single "ody. efers to
separate self&aware entities rather than pseudonyms
characters or personality facets. = group of idents sharing a
"ody are referred to as a groupor system. #ystemmay also
refer to not /ust the group of idents "ut the way they organie
and e!perience themsel$es as a group sometimes ,nown
tongue&in&chee, as their operating system or -#. Li,e any
group or organiation systems often ta,e on a group name.urs is the esired +onstellation.
Ident: a term coined "y *an of our group. *t refers to any
entity which percei$es itself as a separate antonymous
person regardless of the conte!t in which it e!ists. 9or
e!ample: a singlet is a "ody with one ident a multiple is a"ody with se$eral idents an artificial intelligence is an ident
residing within a computer. *dents are usually comple! and
multi&faceted ha$ing different moods and different sides to
their personality. ;he term is meant to "e less dehumaniing
than the psychiatric term alter which only applies to multiples
and insinuates a one&sided stoc, character. *n multiples
idents often ha$e names personalities and characteristics
not in line with the "ody they reside in. *dents generally $iew
themsel$es as distinct persons e$en when fully aware that
they share a "ody.
I8*1: stands for issociati&e Identity isorder pre$iously
,nown as *ultiple 1ersonality isorder. ultiples are thought
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to ha$e "een studied "y science and medicine since ancient
reece "ut it wasn-t until the twentieth century that early
psychiatry (influenced "y "oth 9reud and 8anet) decided that
trauma was the cause of multiplicity and not until 1Q>3 (with
the pu"lication of #ibyl,a fictionalied "iography of a patient
with 'D) that se!ual a"use was specifically targeted as thecause. 5ot all multiples identify as ha$ing D*D. =mong
multiples groups with D*D are often referred to as trauma
multiples.
$ront: the ident currently in control of the "ody is referred to
as "eing on front or fronting. ay also refer to the ident who
is most commonly on front usually called the main front.
;hose who are not in the front may e!perience no passage of
time and ha$e no memory of e$ents or may remem"er
e$ents they didn-t personally e!perience from a disconnected
perspecti$e.
+o0fronting: the e!perience of more than one ident "eing incontrol of the "ody simultaneously. 6imilar to co0
consciousness, i.e. one ident "eing in control while others are
awa,e and conscious of the e!perience. +hile co&fronting or
co&conscious idents can communicate pool resources share
control and deli"erate on decisions together.
9lurring: co&conscious idents e!periencing an o$erlap of
consciousness temporarily e!periencing themsel$es as /oined
or e$en as one consciousness while "eing aware of
themsel$es as distinct indi$iduals underneath.
Headmate: a word descri"ing the relationship "etween
different idents li$ing in the same "ody analogous toroommate.
issociation: in psychiatry refers to two or more cogniti$e
processes operating in parallel "ut lac,ing connecti$eness.
9or e!ample someone e!periencing dissociation may see an
image that would normally cause a distinct emotional
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response "ut feel nothing. ;hey may feel disconnected from
the world around them ha$e difficulties with concentration or
memory or feel that they are lac,ing in personality or
identity. Dissociation usually occurs in episodes and affects
most people from time to time usually only mildly and in
short duration. *t is a symptom of many se$eral mentalillnesses such as depression. =ccording to the trauma model
(D*D) se$ere trauma causes an indi$idual to dissociate so
hea$ily that their core personality "egins to fracture. =s an
escape mechanism new identities form to e!perience the
trauma so that the core doesn-t ha$e to.
yscalculia: analogous to dysle!ia dyscalculia is a disa"ility
affecting one-s a"ility to wor, with num"ers.
Healthy *ultiplicity: a term used "y non&trauma multiples and
multiples who ha$e wor,ed through the trauma "ut ha$e
chosen against integration(a psychiatric term referring to the
/oining together of the alters to return a patient to "eingsingular). = healthy multiple is a group who does not
e!perience their multiplicity as a disorder "ut has decided to
li$e together co&operati$ely.
:ou: one of the most frustrating words for multiples and those
who ,now them. 9or a language with such a ridiculously
"loated le!icon 4nglish is em"arrassingly short on pronouns.
;here is no gender&neutral third&person singular for people
(he she it@) and no distinction "etween second&person
singular and plural pronouns (you you). 9riends of multiples
often resort to clumsy constructions li,e #yous% and #you&all%
to clarify whether they-re referring to an ident or the whole
system. Constructing a possessi$e second&person plural ise$en worse: #yous-s@% #yours&all@% #you&alls-s@% #*s that your
t&shirt or yous-s t&shirt@% #*s that your opinion or yours&all
opinion@% =t least #yourself% gracefully ad/usts itself to
#yoursel$es.%
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Further readin5(onin 4llis)
ines
The ;angs 3ll Hereedited "y Loony&0rain (contri"utions "y se$eral
systems)
$T*1"y ogan Lee (a great read "y a multiple transman)("oth hosted at
http:77healthymultiplicity.com7loony"rain7RinesAome.html)
"oo,s
'hen !abbit Howls"y the ;roops for ;ruddi Chase (a D*D
auto"iography "ut also an inspiration to many healthy multiples)
short stories
*ultiples"y o"ert 6il$er"erg (hosted at
http:77astraeaswe".net7plural7multiples&sil$er"erg.html)
we"comics
;emini 'ebcomic"y the Ryfron 6ystem
(http:77healthymultiplicity.com7Ryfron7emini7)
we"sites
Aealthyultiplicity.com(http:77www.Aealthyultiplicity.com) (an index of sites about functional
multiplicity)
=straea-s +e"
(http:77www.astraeaswe".net7plural7)(great for perspecti&es from a
wider range of multiples whose experiences are different from ours)
Li$e8ournal ultiplicity community
(http:77community.li$e/ournal.com7multiplicity7)(the main gathering
place on the internet for multiples and sympathetic singlets)
awesomeastrid-s ou;u"e channel
(http:77www.youtu"e.com7user7awesomeastrid)(a great resource by
the *osaic ;ang)
http://healthymultiplicity.com/loonybrain/ZinesHome.htmlhttp://astraeasweb.net/plural/multiples-silverberg.htmlhttp://healthymultiplicity.com/Zyfron/Gemini/http://www.healthymultiplicity.com/http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/http://community.livejournal.com/multiplicity/http://www.youtube.com/user/awesomeastridhttp://healthymultiplicity.com/loonybrain/ZinesHome.htmlhttp://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/http://community.livejournal.com/multiplicity/http://www.youtube.com/user/awesomeastridhttp://www.healthymultiplicity.com/http://astraeasweb.net/plural/multiples-silverberg.htmlhttp://healthymultiplicity.com/Zyfron/Gemini/ -
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about this document+(5athan Day)
;his document is in .pdf format and is scaled and formatted
to "e easily reada"le on an e&"oo, reader or printed in half&
page "oo,let format. *f you are $iewing this on a computeryou might want to ad/ust the settings from #9it to 'age% to
1
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were reprogramma"le.% +hich is really mor"id as * descri"e it
"ut the doodle is pretty cute.
2mineField+ part t/o+4contains an image of the scrawled
words #* = 5; ? 4=L 65.%
2oh% ,ust li3e in that sho/+++4contains a doodle of a
deadfish innocently loo,ing upwards saying #* ha$eantennae@% (Ae does.)
2n+4is followed "y the multiplicity sym"ol onin descri"ed.
Ronin6s 8ertificate of th of arch 1QQB C.4.
(at the age of fifteen)
;his certificate of non&"irth not recognied "y any
go$erning "ody e!cept the
D46*4D C56;4LL=;*5
(signature) 8ade oslyn 'res.
2the society of sin5lets+4contains a doodle of a deadfish
loo,ing ner$ously down at a happy little dog wagging its tail.
;he deadfish is holding a "one and saying #i can ma,e you do
whate$er i want (i thin,).%
2contact4information in the appendi! (after this page)
contains an image of the Desired Constellation logo a fi$e&
pointed asteri! o$erlapped "y a circle.
;he deadfish are little critters *an originally designed for a
we"comic called #ou Aa$e ;o o ;hrough = Lot f Dead 9ish
;o 9ind = +arm odent.% ;he we"comic ne$er aired "ut *an
onin and * still occasionally ma,e these doodles.
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5ratitude(*an 5ight)
+e owe our than,s to the following people and groups who
pro$ided resources and inspiration to ma,e this ine possi"le:
Men =straea olly Charlie S Co. 8en the osaics the L8
ultiplicity community and to anyone who reads hosts copies
quotes or in any way shares this wor,.
contact(*an 5ight)
;o contact the Desired Constellation email us at
dconstellationTgmail.com. 4mail us for any ridiculous or serious
reason you see fit.
mailto:dconstellation@gmail.commailto:dconstellation@gmail.com
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