david harrower
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DAVIDHARROWER
Blackbird
ForSelma
Contents
TitlePage
Dedication
Acknowledgements
FirstPerformance
Blackbird
AbouttheAuthor
ByDavidHarrowerfromFaber
Copyright
Acknowledgements
ThisplaywaswrittenwhileIwastheEdinburghInternationalFestivalCreativeFellow2004attheInstitutefortheAdvancedStudiesinthe
HumanitiesatEdinburghUniversity.
MythankstoBrianMcMaster,DirectoroftheEIF,andatIASHtheformerDirector,JohnFrow,AntheaTaylorandDonaldFergusonandallthe
FellowsImetduringmytimethere.
Blackbird was commissioned by the Edinburgh International Festival andwas first presented in theKing’sTheatre, Edinburgh, on 15August 2005.TheproductiontransferredtotheAlberyTheatre,London,from7February2006, where it was produced byMichael Edwards and CaroleWinter forMJEProductions.Thecastwasasfollows:
UnaJodhiMayRayRogerAllam
DirectorPeterSteinSetDesignerFerdinandWögerbauerCostumeDesignerMoideleBickelLightingDesignerJaphyWeidemanComposerArturoAnnecchinoSoundFerdinandoNicciAssociateDirectorDavidSalter
Una,latetwenties.Coat,dress,gloves;carriesabag.Ray,mid-fifties.Trousers,shirt,tie;amobilephoneclippedtohisbelt.
Inaroominwhichthere’salowtable,severalchairs,severallockers.Thedoorisclosed.
Aswing-topbin,fulloflitter.
Onthefloor,aroundthechairs,moreabandonedlitter–foodpackagingmostly,withbitsoffoodstillvisible.
Anoblongfrostedwindowthroughwhichpassingfigurescanoccasionallybeseen.
Una Shock.
Ray Ofcourse.Yes.Now
Pause.
Una And
Ray Wait.
Pause.
Hegoestothecloseddoor,opensitasmallway.
Una Youwerebusy.
Ray Yes.
Una They
Ray Istillambusy.Iwaswithoneoftheourmanagers.We’reinthemiddleofsomething.They
SoImightIwillbesentfor.Iwillgetcalledaway.I’mstillneeded.
Una Don’tpeoplehavehomes?
Ray Homes?
Una Outside.
Ray Idon’t
Una Togoto.Homestogoto.They’restillworking.It’slate.
Ray We’refinishingsoon.They’llbegoingsoon.Anordercameindelayedandofcoursebutwehavetoprocessitnomatterhowlate.AndlateisThetime’snotaconsideration.Wehavetoprocesstheorderandthendispatchit.It’saveryquickturnaround.
Una Dotheygohomewhenyoutellthem?
Ray No.ButI,Imakesurealliswhenthework’sdone.Ihavetomakesure.
Una Butsowhatdoyouactuallymakehere?
Ray It’sDentistry.
Una Because
Ray Sometimespharmaceutical.
Una Thenameonthefront.Youcan’ttell.LikeoneofthoselowbuildingsyoupassIpassedonthemotorway,onthewayhere.Lowbuildings,alwaysone-storey,andyouyouCarsparkedoutsidenocluewhat’shappeninginside.Onlyadigitalclockthingontheoutsidetellingwhatthetemperature
is.Thisislikethat.Thebarrieratthegate.
Ray’sbeguntopickupsomeoftherubbish.
Thisiswhereyoueat?
Ray No.Notinhere.Notme.Thestaffdo.
Una Theyshouldn’tleaveitlikethis.Thefloor.
Hetakestherubbishtothebin.
It’stoofull.
Hecramsitintothebin.
Wheredoyoueat?
Ray Areyouonyourown?
Una Yes.Youmeanalone?
Ray Yes.Byyourself.
Una Yes.
Ray Canyoutellmewhyyou’rehere?What’veyoucomeherefor?
Una Dotheygetbreaks?Fagbreaks?Willanyofthem
Ray No.Toolatenow.
Una Wewon’tbeinterrupted?Idon’twantpeoplewalkinginhere.
Ray Whatistheretointerrupt?Whatareyouwanting?Ihaven’tmuchtime.
Una Isaw
Ray AndtobehonestI
Una What?
Ray IIdon’thavetobeinherewithyou.Youknowthat,don’tyou?You’reawareofthat?Idon’thavetostayhere.DoI?
Una No.You’reright.
Ray Idon’thavetolisten.Idon’thavetosayanything.SobutafewminutesacoupleofminutesandthenyouwillhavetogoandbecauseIwillbeneededback.
Hestepsonsomediscardedfoodinawrapper,notnoticingit.
Una Watch.
Theyhaven’tfinishedthat.Someone’sjustleftitthere.Youshouldsaysomethingaboutthat.
Hepicksitup.
Ray They’vebeentold.They’reconstantlybeingtold.
Hetakesthewrappertothebin,pushesitin.
Aknockatthedoor.
Hewalkstothedoor,opensitasmallwaytoseewho’sthere.
Hestepsout,closesitbehindhim.
Unalooksaroundtheroom,thensits.
Rayre-enters.
Heclosesthedoorbutnotfully;thesamewidthasbefore.
Whydon’twegooutside?
Una Where?
Ray Outofhere.Outside.
Una No.
Ray Thecarparkorthe
Una I’mfinehere.
Ray It’s
Una Youpushedmeinhere.
Ray Ididn’tpush
Una Outofsight.
Ray Ididn’tpushyou.Ibroughtyouinhere.
Una They’llwonderwhoIam,willthey?
Ray Theyallsawyou.Soyes.I’msuretheywill.They
Una Youkeptmewaiting,Peter.Iwasstandingtherefor
Ray Whatdoyouwant?Willyou
Una CanIclosethedoor?
Ray No.
Una Canyouclosethedoor?
Ray Thedoorstaysopen.
Una Why?I
Ray Idon’twantitclosed.
Una There’sadraught.
Ray We’regoingoutsideinaminute.
Una I’mherenow.Youbroughtme
Ray Ithinkthisisbetteroutside.Wecan
Una Closethedoor.
Hedoesn’tmove.
There’sacolddraughtcomingin.Idon’tlikeit.It’sI’llcloseitthen.
Pause.
Shegetsup,looksathim,goestothedoor.
Hetakesasteptowardsher,stops.
Shepushesthedoorshut,suddenly,loudly.
Thedoor ’sclosed.
Shelooksatsomelitternearthedoor.
Thepeoplewhojusttheyexpectotherpeopletocleanupafterthem.Iaskedamanhedroppedanemptycanbeercanandacrisppacketonthepavement.Droppedthem.Didn’tthinkaboutit,justletthemfall.Itoldhimtopickthemup.Helaughed.HethoughtIwasjoking.Hewas
Ray Willyou
Heblinks,rubsathiseyes.
Una withawoman.Bitch,shecalledme.Defendedhim.Helaughedall
Ray Howdidyoufindme?
Una InaItwasaphoto.Inamagazine.
Ray Where?What
Una Some
Ray Magazine?
Una Trademagazine.Promotional.Aglossymagazinething,ainawaitingroom.Adoctor ’swaitingroom.YouknowthethingI’mtalkingabout?
Ray Yes.
Una Therewasaphotoonthebackofit.Youandawithagroupofpeople.Ateam.Theycalledyouateam.Youwonanaward.SomeExcellenceorperformance.
Ray SoWhat?Yousawaphotograph?Yousawthisphoto
Una Youhavefriends?
Ray AnditYou
Una Friends?
Ray Yes.OfcourseIhavefriends,what
Una Newfriendsorthesameoldfriends?
Pause.
Youreyesarered.
Theylooklikethey’restinging.
Helaughsbrieflytohimself,rubbinghiseyesagain.
Ray Whatdidyoufeel?
Una Don’trubthem.
Ray Aphoto.Soyoudrovehere?
Una Yes.Youwanttoseeit?
Ray No,Idon’twanttoseeit.
Una ButyouknowthephotoI’m
Ray Yes
Una Stoprubbingthem.
Ray Theyhurt.
Una Becauseyou’rerubbingthem.
Ray Irubthembecausetheyhurt.It’stheonlywaytostopthemhurting.
Youdrovehere?
Una Yes.
Ray Howmanyhowlongdidittakeyou?WhereIdon’tbelieve
Una Isitme?AmImakingthathappen?Areyouallergictome?
Pause.
Hestaresather.
Areyounotgoingtotalk?
Ray We’regoingtowalkoutside.
Hemovestowardsher.
Onyourfeet.Willyougetupplease?We’regoingoutside.We’regoingtowalkthroughthe
Una Iwroteyouletters.
Ray Letters?
Una They
Ray Inevergotanyletters.
Una Theywere
Ray When?
Una neversent.
Pause.
Ray Whatdidtheysay?Whenwasthis?
Una Iwasn’tmeanttosendthem.Theytoldme,thepeoplewhohelpedme.ThewhoafterwardstowriteyoualetterletterstellingyouwhatIthoughtofyou.WhatIfelt.Wantedtosaytoyou.Tonotletitletyouhavewin.Authority.
Anditwas
Ray Authority?What’s
Una Iwrotehundreds.Pulloutyoureyes.IwrotethatIwantedtopulloutyoureyes,wrotepokethemout,stamp
onthem.Theeyesthat’dlookedatme.Thehands.ToAllkindsofthings.I’vestillgotthem.
Ray Youkeptthem?
Una Thebestones.Istillreadthemsometimes.Thefuryinthem.
ThenIhadtowriteabouthope.Theygotmetowriteabouthope.WhatIwasabletodo.WhatIwasfreetodonow.Whatthefuturewouldbethepromisingfuturethepromisethefutureheldinspiteofyoudespiteyouregardlessofyou.
Youdidn’tanswer.Newfriends?Ordidyouroldfriendsstandbyyou?
Ray Whatdoyouthink?
Una Ithink
Ithinkthefact
Ray Sixsevenhourstodrivehere.Forwhat?
Una Becauseinthatphotoyou’re
Ray Tomakemesuffer?
Una Iwouldn’tcallthatyoureyessuffering.Rubthemmorethen.Harder.
Ray Ididn’tneedtotalktoyou.Icould’vewalkedaway.I’munderno
Una Sothisman
Ray Whatman?
Una Thatmanwhodroppedthelitter,theit’snotthelitteritwasn’tthelitterthedirtying.Itwastheman,thepersondoingthat.Becausehehasn’tbeen,beenschoolededucatedcivilisedenough.AndIthought,andit’sifIwalkedintohishouseanddroppedlitteronhiscarpet.Butthestreets,thepavements,they’renotmyhouse,soIdon’tcareaboutthestreets.Ijustthoughtyouareabeast.Noonehasevercaredforyouproperlyandyou’retoostupidtoostupidtoevenknowthatoryouwouldn’tletotherpeopleseejustwhataseewhatyouare.
ThisYoudonotevenknowyouexist.
IaskedtospeaktoPeter.AndRayappeared.
Pause.
Ray Thiswaspointless.Absolutelypointless.Canyouseethat?Canyounotseethat?Whotoldyoutodothis?Whoeveradvisedthiswas
Una Noone.
Ray Thepeoplewhowhohelpedyou.Your
Una Istoppedseeingthemyearsago.They’renotthereforever.
Ray Thedoctor.AconfrontationWhatdotheycallit?TheFace-to-face.ToIdidn’tagreetothis.
Una No.
Ray Togetwhat?Youdon’thavetherighttomymymyhumiliation.WhereIwork.Wherepeopleare.Mycolleagues.Workcolleagues.
Walkingin,askingforme.I’venothingtosaytoyou.IYou’reasomekindofghostturningupfromnowheretoGohome.Please.Leavemealone.Gohome.
Una YouthinkIstillliveinthesamecity?
Ray Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowwhereyoulive.HowwouldIknowthat?
Una Ido.Istilllivethere.We
Ray Outofhereand
Una nevermoved.
Ray Gobackthere.Goback.
Una Idofeellikeaghost.Ido.Ifeellikeaghost.EverywhereIgo.Iwrotethatinmyletterstoo.Youmademeintoaghost.PeopletalkedaboutmeasifIwasn’tthere.Wouldn’tletmespeak.
Ray Gooutside.Go.I’mtellingyou.Listentome.
You’reWalkoutintotheair.Breatheair.Getinyourcar.Stopbeingaghost.You’llYouwillliveagain.Becausethisthisthisshouldshouldneverhavehappened.Becauseareyoufeelinganybetteryet?Isthisdoingyougood?
Una Yes.
Ray Thenthat’sThatisIcan’tsayanythingtoyou.YouYou’rebeyondHow?Howthehellisitgood?Tellmeexceptexceptbutyoudon’tknowwhatyouwant.Youdon’tknowwhyyou’rehere.Tellwhoeveritwassentyou
Una Nobody.Itoldyou.
Ray ThenIdon’tcare.
Hemakestogo.
Una Whereareyougoing?
Ray No.
Una Don’tgo.
Ray Idon’tcare.It’snotmyresponsibility.
Una I’llfollowyou.
Ray Dowhatyouwant.ThisisThisishell.
Stayawayfromme.Youneedhelp.
He’satthedoor.
Hegoesout.
Una Ray.Don’tleavemeinhere.
Here-enters,closesthedoor.
Pause.
Ray IhavethingsIhavetodo.Ihavetocheckthings.AndAfter.WhenIleave.Tonight.Ihavetobeplaces.Peoplearerelyingonme.
Una What?What’reyoudoing?
Ray ThethingisTheIdon’tevenknowifitisyou.Ifyou’reher.
Una Iam.OfcourseIam.
Ray Ididn’trecogniseyou.
Una Yesyoudid.
Ray Ididn’t.Idon’t.You.No.
Una Yourfacewentwhite.
Ray Not
Una Drainedwhite.
Ray NotnotwhenIsawyou.Ididn’tknowwhoyouwere.There’sawomanheretoseeyou.That’sallIwastold.
Una WhenIsaid
Ray YesyesbutIknowthename.Irememberthename.Jesusthename’sButyoucouldbea,afriendofhers.Yourhair ’sadifferentcolour.Ajournalist.A
Una I’mnot.
Ray Reporter,Idon’tknow.Idon’tknowwhatanyofthisismeanttobe.
Una Howmanyothertwelve-year-oldgirlshaveyouhadsexwith?
Pause.
Ray None.
Una Doyouwanttoseethebirthmark?Youkissedit.Orwhatyousaidtomeonthebeach.
PointingacrosstheseatotoHolland.Oronthebedinthatroomin
None?Wechange,twelve-year-olds.Wegrowuptobeolder.Sothink.
Ray None.
Una Justme.Inthatroom.
Ithoughtit’dbehardertolookatyou.Totalk.Inearlyturnedback.Butit’snot.It’seasy.AndIwould’verecognisedyouanywhere.Withmybacktoyou.IsawyoureyesbeforeIevensaidmyname.Isawyou.
Youhavesomeone?Youlivewithsomeone?Youdon’twanttotellme.Iknowyou’rewithawoman.ThewayIwaslookedatoutside.Thewayyouwerelookedatwhenyouwalkedtowardsme.Agoodwoman?Doesshe
Ray I’mnottalkingaboutherwith
Una Issheexpectingyouhome?
Pause.
Ray D’youwantmetosaysomething?Isthereanythingyouwantmetosaynow?
Una Doessheknowaboutme?
Ray Iwillnotsayanythingaboutmylife.Whoisinmylife.Ifthat’swhatyouwantedtofindoutandIdon’tknowwhyyouyouwouldwantthatbutyou’regettingnothing.Doyouunderstand?Doyouunderstand?
Pause.
Una Mydaddied.
Youdidn’tknow?Itdidn’treachyou?
Heshakeshishead.
Sixyearsago.Maybeyouweren’there.Maybeyouweresomewhereelse.
Ray Iwashere.How?
Una Hefelldown.Hetripped.Steps.AndDeteriorated.Henevergotoverit.HeYouwereaguestinourhome.Iwashisbaby.Heinvitedyouasaguestintohishome.Hetriedtofindyou.
Ray HeknewwhereIwasthefirstfouryears.
Una Hewantedtokillyou.
Notasecondthought.Hesaiditallthetime.ItwasHewould’vekilledyou.
Rayisstartled,unnervedbyherloudnessandtone.
Neartears,Unasearchesthroughherbag.
Raywatchesher,unsettled.
Ray What’sinthere?
What’sinyourbag?What’sinit?
Una Ineeda
Ray Givemeit
Una No.Why?
Ray What’reyoudoing?Areyou
Una What?
Ray Don’t.
Hegrabsthebagfromher.
Una You’re
Ray Doyouwanttokillme?
Pause.
Hegoesthroughthebag.
Hetakesoutapacketoftissues.
Una IwasgoingtoKleenexyoutodeath.
Sheholdsoutherhand.
Hegivesherthepacket.
Hetakesoutabottleofwater.
Andthat’sacid,notwater.
Hetakesoutthetornpagefromthetrademagazine.
Thephotoofhim.
Aknockonthedoor.
Avoicefrombehindthedoor.
voice Peter.
Pause.
Theylookateachother.
Raygoestothedoor.
Heopensthedoorslightly,looksoutthroughthegap.
Ray (topersonoutside)It’sfine.
Heclosesthedoor.
Hestillholdsthephoto.
Una WhenIsawitIthephoto.It’snotclear.ButIknewitwasyou.Itoreitout,tookithome,keptkeptlookingatit.Thenamebelow.Peter.Peter?Icouldn’tI’msoslowsometimes.Youchangedyourname.
Ray Yes.
Una Isthatdifficult?
Ray No.
No,itwasveryeasy.
Una ButImean,decide.Decideonanewone.Chooseanewname.Isithard?Doyoudoyougothroughhowmanybeforeyoudecide?Doyoumakealist?
Ray Ichoseanameatrandom.
Una How?
Ray Iopenedthephonebook.
Una Pinthetailonthedonkey.
Ray Kindof.
Una What’syourfullname?Peterwhat?PeterIcanaskoutside.
Ray Trevelyan.
Una PeterTrevelyan.
Ray Yes.
Pause.Shegivesaquicksmile,smothersit.
Una Wherethehelldidthatcomefrom?PeterTrevelyan?
Ray UnderT.Itwasnecessary.It
Una ButJesus.Trevelyan.Didyou
God,noThat’sToTothemanorborn.Thesilverspoon.It’sfromaphonebookatrandom?Wereyoudelirious?Diddelusionsofofgrandeur?BecauseJesus.Therichsleepsleepwithyounggirlstoo.Under-agegirls.Ruintheirlivestoo.Infacttherichmusthaveasmuchsexwithyounggirlsasthepoor.Theymustbeneckandneck.Butifitdoesthejob.IfitDoesit?Commandrespect?AndhelpyouHelpyou
Ray Okay.
Una forget.
Ray Enough.
Una Theydon’tknow.Anyofthem,outside.Dothey?AndyourThepartner?SheThetheladyofthemanor.Noone
Ray Sheknows.
Una Sheknows?
Ray Yes.
Una Howdoessheknow?
Ray Itoldher.
Una Everything?
Ray Thefacts.
Una Myage?
Ray Yes.
Una Yoursentence?
Ray Yes.
Una When?Atthestartofthe
Ray Yes.We’vebeentogethersevenyears.
Una Whatdidyoutellher?What?Tellmewhatyoutoldher?
Ray ThatwhenIwasfortyIhadIhadanillegalrelationship.Ihadsexwithaminor.
Una Andshewasfinewiththat?
Ray No.Ofcoursenot.ButIItoldherwhatmylifewaslikethen.Iwasn’tinagoodway.IhadproblemsandIdidn’tIcouldn’thandlethem.
Igavein.Ibrokeapart.
Una Didyou?
Ray Imadethebiggestmostmoststupidmistakeofmylife.
Una Youtoldheritwasa
Ray Awhat?
Una Athree-monthstupidmistakeyoumade.Thatyouranawaywithme.Thattoo?
Ray AndthatIpulledmyselfup.IIgotbackontrack.IYoulaugh.Youdon’tbelieveit.That’sfine.It’sfinewithme.Idon’tneedyouto.
Una Shebelievedyou.Youmanagedtomakeherbelieve
Ray Becauseshelovesme.
Una What’swrongwithher?Mustbesomethingwrongwithher.
Ray Don’tDonotsaythat.Don’ttalkabouther.Sheshehashelpedme.
Una Doyouhaveanychildrenwithher?
Ray No.
Una Doyouwantchildren?
Ray That’snotfunny.
Una D’youseemelaughing?No,Ithinkitis.
Shelaughsbriefly.
Heturnsaway.
Inthatphotothere’snothing.Nothinginyourface.Smiling.You’veforgotten.You’ve
Ray Yes.YesIhave.
Una TenyearslaterEighteightyearsnowyou’dbeontheregister.Yournamewouldbethere.Raywouldbethere.You’dbeYouwouldn’tbeabletoforget.Youcouldn’tPeterYou’dNoonewouldletyou.Itwouldn’tjustbeme.Peoplewouldbeoutsideyoursurroundingyourhouse.
Ray I’mlivingmylife.AnewlifethatIfoughtforbecauseIlost
Una Didyoueverthinkaboutme?
Ray Ihaveeveryright.IcanpushitasfarawayasI
Una Whatwashappeningtome?
Ray YouthinkIshouldreliveiteveryday?Thisismylife.Youcan’t
Una Whenthatjudge
Ray Youcan’tcomeinand
Una Sixyears.Andwhenmyparentstoldme.
Ray Iamentitledtosomething.Tolive.
Una Ididthesentence.Ididyoursentence.Forfifteenyears.Ilosteverything.Ilostmorethanyoueverdid.IlostbecauseIneverhadhadtimetototobegin.Wenevermoved.Thathouseinthatstreet.Iwastalkedabout,pointedat,staredat.Ilostallmyfriends.IIkeptmyname.Ihadtokeepmyname.IYes.Ire-liveiteveryday.
Ray IfyouwantmetowhateveritisyouwantmetoI’vetakenyouseriously.
ButifyoutellmeYoucan’tthinkaboutiteveryday.
Una Idon’thavetothink.It’sthere.
Ray Isthatwise?No.ToToletyourself?ToDoesnoonetellyouit’sD’younothavefriendspeoplewho
Una OfcourseIhavefriends.
Ray Whoknowthatyoudothis?
Una Yes.
Ray Andtheylisten?Theystill
Una Yes.
Ray Whatkindoffriendsarethey?Whatkindof
Una Don’ttalkabout
Ray Theyallowthis?TheyactuallyThey’rewaitingtohearfromyouarethey?Howthiswent?HowAretheyoutside?Didtheydriveyouhere?Arethey
Una There’snoonewithme.HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyou?
Ray Doyouapartner?A
Una That’snothingtodowiththis.
Ray Doesanyonecareaboutyouatall?
Pause.
I’vedonethesame.I’vebroughtyouinhereLetletyoutalk.AndIwasandlistenedand
Una Whataboutthephotos?
Ray Whatdoyoudo?Doyouwork?Areyouabletowork?Haveyoutakentimeoffto
Una Thephotos.
Ray Whatphotos?
Una Thephotosyoutookofme.Inyourflat.Wherearethey?Theyneverfoundthem.
Ray I
Una Thepoliceneverfoundthem.
Ray They
Una I’veseenwebsites.Hundredsonwebsites.Hundredsofnine,ten,eleven,twelveyearsold.Younger.Photographedin
onbedsinbedroomsandAmIone?Becausethesesomeofthephotosgobacktotheseventiestheyyoucantellbytheroomandpeople,menscanthemandputthem,theythosekids’llbeadultsnowandnotknowthey’re
Ray Iburntthem.
Una Didyou?
Ray Yes.OfcourseIdid.Ofcourse.Nooneeversawthem.IburntthembeforeweBeforeweleft.Andtheyweren’tYouwerewearingyourclothes,jeansThey
Una Sittingonyoursofa.Lyingdown.They’vethesamephotoson
Ray Thosesites.ThatThosepeople.Thosesickbastards.Iwasneveroneofthem.Iwasneverthat.Youyou’vebeentoldIwas,Iam,ITheycalledmethat.They
Unamakestogo.
What’reyoudoing?
Una Iwanttoleavehere.
Ray No.Iwasnotoneofthem.Never.They
Una Letmeout.
Ray Wait.
Una Letme
Ray Ineedaminute.Sitdown.
Una No.
Ray Sitdown.
Una Don’tcomenearme.
Ray Notlikethis.Don’t
Una Iwanttogetoutofhere.Getawayfromthedoor.
Ray Listentome.
Una Moveoverthere.
Ray Listen.Ispentthreeyearsinhell.More.
Una Yes.
Ray Whattheycalledme.Spaton,kicked.Shit,humanshitthrowninmyface.YouknowIwasn’toneofthem.
Una How
Ray Youknow.
Una Idon’tknowyou.Idon’tknowanythingaboutyouexceptthatyouabusedme.Didn’tyou?Didn’tyou?
Ray Yes.But
Una There’snobut.
Ray Letme
Una Thereisnobut.
Ray Yes.Idid.But
Una Jesus.
Ray Ididn’tIdidn’t
Una Didn’twhat?
Ray TheysaidincourtI,ImadeitsoundmadeitlookthatI’dselectedyou.I’dchosen
Thatday.Thatdayofthebarbecue.AtWhenwetalkedforthefirsttime.Ididn’tcometoYouknow.
Onhisbelt,hismobilephonerings.
WhenIspoketoyouforthefirsttime.IWait.
Helooksatthephone’sscreen.
Heturnsitoff.
Pause.
Una Wasthather?
Ray Yes.CanIhavesomewater?
Hetakesthebottleofwater,drinksfromit.
Idon’tknowwhyheinvitedme,yourfather.IsaidhellotohimonthestreetwhenIsawhim.Ihelpedhimwithhiscaronce.ButIwassurprisedwhenheaskedme.Iwasn’tgoingtocome.Ididn’tknowanyonethere.OrneighbourswhoButI
MywindowswereopenandIcouldsmellthebarbecue.Fivedoorsaway.Thesmoke.
Itwasn’ttobecauseofyoutoI’dseenyouinthestreet.Around.ButnotNot
Una Youwerelookingatme.Atthebarbecue.
Ray No.
Una Isawyou
Ray Iwasn’t.
Una Ifeltyou.
Ray Ilookedatyou.Iwasn’tlooking.
Una Yousaidwhyaren’tyouhappy?Youshouldbehappy.Thefirstthingyousaid.
Ray Yes.Youweresittingonyourown.Nottalkingtoanyone.Youweren’tveryhappy.That’swhatIwaswatching.YouPeopletriedtotalktoyouandyouyougavethemnothing.You’dYou’dfallenoutwithyourbestfriend.Hadn’tyou?
Una IusedtothinkAfter.Ifwehadn’tfallenout.Ifshe’dbeenthere.Itcould’vebeenher.
Ray Howmanypeoplewerethere?Howmanyguests?Fifteen,twenty.Inyourgarden.Yourparents’smallgardenandYouknowwhenyouareApersonknows.Ireadthiswhenthey’rearousedbychildren
byunder-agepeople.
Una Youreadit?
Ray Yes.
Una There’sahandbook?
Ray There’s
Una Achecklist?
Ray Becausewhenyou’rearousedbychildrenwhen
Una Ireadsomeofthosebookstoo.
Ray SohaveI.SodidI.AsmanyasIcouldfindTotoYes,achecklist.Itwas,yes.Tofindouttotolearnthefacts.
Una Whatfacts?
Ray Thefacts.Thepatterns.Thethecycle.
Una Thecycle?
Ray Ofof
Una Abuse.
Ray Yes.
Una Can’tyousayit?
Ray Abuse.Abusing.
There’sfigures
Una Wereyouabusedasachild?
Ray No.
Una You’resure?RayYes.ForGod’ssake.Don’tIfeelsick.IthinkI’drememberthat.ThelawyeraskedmeifIhadbeen.ItwasbetterformeifIhadbeen.BetterbetterforeveryoneifIhadbeen.
Ireadthosebooks.Ithoughtaboutmylife.TobesureIwasn’toneofthem,oneofBecausefouryearsbeingtoldaskedtoaskmyselfinterrogatemyself.Beinggivenno
Becausewhenyouarewhenkidswhentheytheydoitforforapersonbuttheydon’twanttotoadmitthey’reshockedhorrifiedthattheytheyfeellikethis.Theystayaway.They’reathreatandtheyknowit.Theydistancethemselves.TheyBecausetheylovethembuttheylovethemtoomuchtotowanttoshowthatlovebecausethatloveis
Theywanttoprotectthem.Theystayawayfromwhereverchildrenwillbe.
Butifyou’rearoused.Dodesire.Andwanttowanttofeedthatdesiretheyfindwaystheythey’realwayslookingforwaystobenearthem.Tolurethem.Thesepeopleareveryverycarefulareveryverydeceptive.Thegreaterthedeceptionthegreatertheriskthemoretheyenjoyit.
Una Didyoumemorisethesebooks?
Ray Itwasahotday.Thedayofthebarbecue.IandIhadapairofshortson.Myonlypairofshorts.Ionlyeverownonepairatatime.Iwearonepairuntilthey’reoldandthenbuynewones.BecauseIdon’t
Una What
Ray wearshorts.
Una Areyou
Ray Ineverwearshortsunlessit’sveryhot.
Una Shorts?
Ray Andtheyweretightshorts.Itwasthestylethen.
TheDon’tsmile.Don’tI’mtryingtotellyou.Don’tTheylaughedincourt.Theylaughedatthatincourt.Iremembertheseshorts.
Una Doyouhearyourself?Yourtightshorts?Doyouknowhow
Ray IfIhadanerection
IfIhadanerection.Aroused.Iwasstandingbesideyou.Iwould’veIwould’vewalkedawayfromyouorsatdownorbecausewhenIhadanerectioninthoseshortsitwasYoucouldn’tmissit.Itwasobvious.Anypersonlookingcouldplainlyseeanyguestwould’veseen.Theywould’veAndit’snotIknowit’snottheonlyindicationbutbutitisforme.WhenIamwhenIturnedonIgohard.Igohardimmediately.ButIstayedthere.Istayedthereandtalkedtoyou.Youweresomeone’s
aneighbour ’sdaughterwhowhowasannoyedattheworldthatday.Notnotatarget.Inever
IhadaIwasseeingawoman.AndIknowtheythosepeoplecanhaverelationshipsandstilldowhattheydo.Butmostofthemnotdon’t.They’reloners.Incapableofhavinga
Pause.
Una Myparentsthoughtyouwere
Ray What?
Una Shy.Abitdull.Andaloner.Whyyouhadn’tbroughtyourgirlfriend.Mydadsaidyoucouldbringher.
Ray Shewasn’tmygirlfriend.Shewas
Una Yousawalotofher.
Ray Ionlysawherforafewmonths.Ican’tevenrememberhername.Shewasdull.
Una Sheattackedmeonce.Acoupleofyearslater.Iwaswithmymotherwalkingonthestreet.Shecameuptomeandslappedmeontheface.
Pause.
Ray Shesaidyouusedtoglareather.Thatyouwere,wereafterme.You’dhangaroundonthestreetbesidemycar.
Una Imadeupwithmyfriend.Itoldheraboutyou.Abouttalkingtoyou.Youyoulookingatme.Flirting.
Ray Thatwasyou,notme.YouThenotes.Youwrotenotes.Youputthemunderthewindscreenwipersofmycar.Yourgirlfriend’sugly.Shehasaglasseye.Alwaysonesentence.Shelaughslikeadonkey.
Una That’snot
Ray Andothers.Rememberthebarbecue.Thatwasone.Ihadtotellyoutostopit.Outsidethenewsagents.AndyousaidwhatwasItalkingabout.Youpretendednottoknow.
Una Ididstop.Istoppedwritingthem.I’dhavedoneanythingyousaid.Iwantedyoutobemyboyfriend.Iwantedtositbesideyouinyourcarandbedrivenintotown.Andforpeopletoseeme.Seeus.ItookaPolaroidofyouand
withmyfriendwekisseditweputitonmypillowandsleptbesideit.AndIanyexcuse.Broughtyoubiscuitsandsomecakethatmymothermade.Askedyoutosponsormeforasponsoredwalk.IohIwasshameless.Youdidn’tstopthat.Allyouhadtodowastellmyparents.Astupidgirlwhohadastupidcrush.Butyoudidn’t.Youletitstart.
Ray Youweren’tstupid.
Una YesIwas.
Ray Youweren’t.
Una IfIwasn’tstupidI’dhaveknownwhatwashappening.ButIdidn’t.Iwastooyoung.Tootooinlove.Toostupidnottohavebeenoldernottohavehavetheawarenesstheexperience.Butthat’swhatyouwanted.Ididn’taskdifficultquestions.Ididn’thaveanyquestionstoask.Iwantedanythingyouwanted.
Ray No.
Una Yes.IsaidyesandIkeptsayingyes.
Eagertoplease.Desperatetoplease.
Ray Youdon’trememberyourself.Whatyouwerelike.
Una WhatwasIlike?
Ray Strong.
Una Strong?Whatdoesthatmean?
Ray Headstrong.
Una Don’t.
Ray Determined.
Una Don’t.
Ray Whenwestartedtotalkproperly.Alone.Whenyoutoldmeaboutyourself.IdiscoveredYousurprisedme.Youmademelaugh.
Una Laugh?DidIwhat?Pullfaces?
Ray I
Una Tickleyou?
Ray Youwereolderthanher.ThatwomanIwasseeing.
Una Older?
Ray Withthatstupidlaugh.Yes.
Una How,older?You’renotmakingany
Ray Youknewaboutlove.Youknewmoreaboutlovethanshedid.ThanIdid.Youknewwhatyouwanted.Sosoimpatient.Youcouldn’twaittostartmenstruating.Youtoldmethat.Youweresickofbeingtreatedlikeachild.Thelastthingyouwantedwastobetoldyouwereachild.
Una Jesus.
Ray You
Una That’swhatchildrensay.
Ray Youweren’tlikeotherchildren.
Una Iwasagirl.Avirgin.Anuntouchedbody.AHavingittoyourself.Beingthefirst.Teachingme.Showingme.
Ray No.
Una Cominginsideme.WhatcouldIhavepossiblygivenyougivenyouthatwasn’tmytwelve-year-oldbody?Whatelsecouldyouhavewanted?Therewasnothingelse.
Ray Therewas.Formetherewas.
Shewalksawayfromhim.
Inprison.Thesessions.Groupsessions.Therakingoverofofeverything.Whatwentwrong.Whatwasmissing.MymystatusLackofstatus.TheangerIhad.Blamingothers.Theurgetodestroy.Becausethat’swhattheytoldmeI’ddone.Destroyed.Destroyedyou.Yourfamily.Myparents.Mylife.Andwhatdrovemewasn’ttheloveIfelt.Somethingsomethingrotten.Somethingdeeper.Youwereonmymindallthetime.Icouldn’tgetyouout.AndIgavein.Igaveintoit.AnditeverythingeverydaywasabouthowIcouldseeyou,talktoyou.Ileftworkearly.I,I’dworkonmycaronthestreet.Itdidn’tneedwork.Itookthingsapart,putthembacktogether.JusttoTheenginewasperfect.ButI’dBecauseyou’dbethereandwecouldtalkanditwasfine.Itwasintheopenandnoonethoughtanything.
Yourparents.Thekidsthatplayedthere.Butit,itwasn’tenough,itIhadtobealonewithyou.
Yourememberthethecodesthethesignalswehadtotomeet.Tojustspeak.Talk.Tobealonetogether.Youremember?I’dphoneyourparents’house.Onering.
Una Itmeantthatshewasn’twithyou.Youwereonyourown.
Ray Andparkmycarfacingright.
Una Iforgotthat.Andthenextdayyou’dbetheretomeetme.Inthepark.Thepublicpark.
Ray Itwastheonlyplacewecouldmeet.
Una Thefirsttime.Inthepark.
I’dbesoexcited.Knowingyou’dbethere.AndIran.Becauseyouweremine.Youweresittingonabenchreadinganewspaper.AndthefirstthingyousaidtomeYoutoldmenottositdownbesideyou.Ihadtowalkpastyou.AndIknewwhy.
Ray Itwasridiculous.Stupidplacetomeet.Ihadn’tthoughtaboutit.I,Ididn’tthink.Ididn’tknowwhatwashappeningtome.Andyou
Una Iwalkedintothebushes.
Ray Youdisappeared.Andstartedcallingoutmyname.Ray.Comehere,Ray.Isatthereandamantherewasamanwalkingalongthepath.Youcalledoutagainandhelookedatmeandlaughed.Hehadn’tseenyou.Hedidn’tknow.Onlyheardyourvoice.Ray,comeon.I’mwaiting.AndII’dbeenseenbutIcouldstillexplainit.UptothatmomentIwouldstillbebelieved.Icouldwalkawayandstopeverything.
Una Butyoudidn’t.
Ray No.Icouldn’t.WhateverwashappeningwhateverIwasthinkingthoughtaboutwasinmemademebelieveIlovedyou.Mademewalkacrossthegrass,thegetonmykneesandcrawlunderthebranches.andholdyourhandand
andkissyou.
Una Andlaydownnexttoeachother.Andopenmyshirtandtouchmymybreasts.Andandunzipyourself.Andtakeoutyourprick.
Ray Notthefirsttime.
Una I’msorry.Youyougentleman.Notthefirsttime.Thesecond,thethirdtime.Bothofuslyingonablanketyoubrought.Ablanket.Ithoughtitwasformebutitwas
Ray Itwas.
Una sothattwigsandandearthandwouldn’tsticktomyclothes.Sonoonewouldsuspect.
Ray Ididn’twantustogetcaught.
I’veneverlovedNeverdesiredanyonethatageagain.Ever.
Una Justme.
Ray Yes.Justyou.Youweretheonlyone.
Pause.
Itnevercameupinthetrial.Thepark,thebushes.Theblanket.
Ialwayswonderedwhy.
Una Inevertoldthem.
Ray Why?
Una IwasIdon’tknow.Youdidn’teither.
Ray No.They’dhavegivenmetenyears.
Pause.
Una Iwasonlyincourtforaday.Behindthatscreen.Ineverknewwhatwassaid.Noonetoldmeanything.Iwasatarelative’shouse.Notallowedtoleave.Notelevision,nonewspapers.Noonetoldmeaboutthetrial.Evennowmymotherwon’tWhatwasthenameofthetown?Wherewewewent.Therewasabeach.Wedrovetheretogettheferry.Itwasdark.Winter.Theshopswereshuttered.Whatwasitsname?
Ray Why?
Una Iwanttoknow.Icouldn’tfinditanywhere.Whatwasitsname?Wewalkedalongthebeach.Itwascold.
Weheldhands.Wecoulddothatbecauseitwasdark.Youpointedouttosea.Acrosstheseatowhereweweregoing.Canyouseeit?Thereitis.Yougotaroomataguesthouse.Ihadtostandbehindyouasyoupaidthewoman.Keepmyheaddownandrunupthestairs.Didyouknowher?Thatwoman.
Ray No.
Una Ialwaysthoughtyoudid.Idon’tknowwhy.
Ray No.HowwouldI?No.What
Una Thereweretwinbeds
Ray Okay.
Una Whynot?
Ray I’vetoldyouwhy.It’sIdon’twanttohearit.
Una Ido.
Ray Webothknowwhathappened.
Una Idon’t.Idon’tknoweverything.Youdon’t.Youdon’tknowanything.Iwantyoutoknow.WhatIdidforyou.
Ray Whatyoudidforme?
Una Whatwasthenameofthetown?
Ray Tynemouth.
Pause.
Una Twinbeds.ATV.Nothingelse.Thewindowlookingoutatthesea.Weundressed.Wehadsexononeofthebeds.Idon’tknowhowlongfor.Isawhowmuchpleasureitgaveyou.IlikedIcoulddothat.Wedidittwice,fuckedtwice.Youturnedmeroundforthesecondtime.Youmadesomuchnoise.Welayineachother ’sarmsafterwards.Icriedabit.Myparentswouldbelookingforme.They’dbephoningmyfriendmaybeattheschoolaskingwhereIwaswhyIwasn’thomehadanyoneseenme?
Pause.
Yousaidyouwantedcigarettes.Youweregoingtolookforashop,apub.IwantedtogowithyoubutyousaidnoIwastowaitthere,waitfor
you.You’dbefiveminutes.Andyoutouchedmeyoukissedmebetweenmylegsyourtonguebothofmybreasts.You’dbebackinnotime.
Ilayonthebed.Ilistenedtoyourfootstepsgoingdownstairs.Iwrappedthesheetaroundmeandwentovertothewindow.IwantedchocolateItriedtoopenit.WhateverIatethen.Sweets.Shouttoyou.Chocolate.Butthewindowwouldn’topen.Isawyoudownbelow,openingthefrontgate.Iknockedonthewindowbutyouyouwerealreadywalkingalongthestreet,themiddleofthestreet.Youdidn’thearme.
IfellasleepandwhenIwokeupIdidn’tknowthetime.IwassorebetweenmylegsbutIfeltwonderful.Youhadn’tcomebackyetbutIwassohappy.Mymanwouldbebacksoonandhewouldhavechocolateforme.Ididn’tneedtotellhimwhatIwanted.Youknewandyou’dbringittome.Butyoustilldidn’tcome.
Theroomwascold.Igotdressed,lookedoutthewindow.Yourcarwasstillthereacrosstheroad.Icouldheartalkingdownstairs,notclearly.Butvoices.Iwalkeddownthestairs.Thefrontdoorwasclosed.TheonlysoundwasaTVcomingfromaroom.ThevoiceswerefromtheTV.Thedoorwasopenabit.Iknockedonthedoor.Nothinghappened.Noonewasthere.Iopenedthefrontdoorandwentout.
TherewasashoutasIwasclosingthedoor.Thewoman.IopenedsawherwhatareyouorsawherwalkingtowardsmeandI,Ishutthedoorandrantothegateandoutintothestreetandran.
Iwalkedintothecentreoftown.Itwaslate.Tenonthechurchclock.Theferryleftatmidnight.Therewasn’tlong.Youwerenowhere.Ashopwasopen,lights.Iaskedinsideifamanhadboughtsomecigarettes.Hetoldmetogetout.HethoughtIwasbuyingcigarettes.Itriedtodescribeyoubuthedidn’tlisten.
Thenapub.Thefirstpub.You’dbeinsidehavingadrinkandasmoke.ButIcouldn’tgoinIhadtoallmycouragewaittilltwomenwalkedinfollowbehindthemandlookforyouwalkingaroundthepub.Menmakingjokes,laughing.WhatwasIwanting?Youlost,hinny?
Isaidmydad.ThemanbehindthebaraskedmeWesaidI’d
introubleyouweremydad.Toldhimwhatyouwearing,whatyoulookedlike.He’dseenyou.You’dbeenin.Theaccent.Smokedacigarette,hadadrink,thenleft.Hewasconcerned,theman.HeaskedmemynameandItoldhim.Hewantedtowalkwithme,helpmelook.Isaidno,no,no,I’mfine,I’mfine.Ikeptwalking.Alongthemainstreet.Afewpeoplepassedme.Iwantedtoaskthemifthey’dseenyoubutIdidn’tknowwhattosay.Iwentintoanotherpub,another.Everyone’sfaceturningtolookatme,shouting,laughing.
Iwalkedonandon.Thenextpub,thenext.Peoplestaring,laughing,tellingmetogetout.Iwalkedpasthousesgettingfurtherfromthesea.Iwalkedtenpaces,ranten.You’dbeatthenextcorner,thenext.Anymoment.Andeverycarwasyou.Thehousesstopped.Iwasattheendofthetown.Theroadcarriedon.Ilookedoutintothedarkcountryside.I’dgonetoofar.I’dwalkedtoofar.Iwasattheend.YouI’dmissedyou.Youwerebackattheguesthouse.
Lookingforme,wonderingwhereIwas.I’dIran.Iranback.IthoughtIwaslostandthenIwasn’t.Icouldseetheclockabovetheroofs.Iwalkedtowardsit.Itwashalf-eleven.Wecouldstillmaketheferry.Iranandran.Icouldseetheguesthouse.Butyourcarhadgone.Icheckedranupanddownlookingintoallthecarsbutandmybagwasinsideyourcarwithallmyclotheswitheverything.Andyouweregone.TheclothesI’dbrought.ButandmypassportinmypocketandthatITheroombutitwasdark,thewindow.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Waited.Isatonabench.Iwasfreezing,hungry.Iwantedtoknowwhyyou’dgone.WhatIhaddone.Iwascrying.You’dleftme.You’dOrsomethingterriblehadhappened.You’dbeenkilledordrownedorIcouldn’tdoanything,couldn’tgoanywhere.
Wewouldn’tbeontheferry.Wewouldn’tbeleaving.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Somethinghadhappened.Youwouldn’thaveleftme.Youwouldn’thavedonethat.Iheardmidnight.Youweren’tcoming.Iwasalone.Awomantalkedtome.Theysawmeandcrossedtheroad.Amanandawomanwalkingtheirdog.TheyaskedwhatIwasdoingthere.WheredidIlive?Whowaslookingafterme?Iwentbacktotheirhouse.Theygavemeblanketsandphonedmyparents.Ilayontheirsofaandlistenedtohertalktomymother.Thepoliceweretherewithher.Ifeltsick.Iwantedtodie.Iwasnevergoingtoseeyouagain.I’dhavetofaceallofthemeveryoneallofthemalone.
Iprotectedyou.Defendedyou.Stayedstayedtrue.Itoldthepoliceyouhadn’ttouchedme.You’ddonenothing.IwasaIwasarunaway.Iwantedtoescapemyparents,myhouse,myschool.You’dgivenmealiftinyourcar.
Youhelpedmeescape.I’daskedyou,beggedyou.You’ddrivenmethereandleft.Youwon’tknowanyofthis.
Theywantedtodotests.Takesamplesoutofme.Doctors,police.Irefused.Noonewasgoingtotouchme.Ishouted,screamedYou’ddonenothing.You’dIwantedyoutoIwantedyouback.ITheydruggedme.Heldmedownandandinjectedme.Openedmylegsandtooktookoutyourcome.Evidence.Theyaskedmewhatyou’ddonetome.Thentoldmewhatyou’ddonetomewhenIwouldn’t.Youwereonlyafteronething.That’swhyyou’ddisappeared.You’dgotwhatyouwanted.Mymymotherscreamingatme.SheThepolice,theawomanpsychiatristwhospokealwaysspokesoquietly.Adultslie.Theywantthingsfrompeopleandtheylietogetthemand,anddon’ttheydon’tevenknowthey’relying.Theydonotknowthemselves.Icouldn’thearhersometimes.Hadtoask
repeatrepeatwhatshe’dsaid.DidIknowwhatI’ddone?DidIknowthatI’dhurtpeople?Peoplewholovedme.DiddidIwanttohurtthem?AndFordays.Whathadyousaid?Whatdidyoupromiseme?WhatwordsWhatwordsdidyouuse?
AndinthecourtroomIsatbehindthatscreenandIspoke.Icried.Youheardme.IcriedmorethanIspoke.AndthenIIsaidtoomuch,IThelawyerswerefuriouswithme.Itwasn’twhattheywanted.Icouldn’thelpit.Itwasyou.YouwerethereandIcouldn’tseeyousoIhadtoshout.Ihadtoletyouknow.Youleftmealone.Bleeding.Youleftme.Youleftmeinlove.
Whentheycamehomeattheendintothehouse.Myparents.Nothome.Therelatives’house.Iwasinthebedroom,waiting.Theyweresilent.
Theydidn’tmove.Isatandwaited.Theydidn’tcomethroughtome.Ithoughtmaybeyou’dgotoff.You’dbeenletgo.You’dbecomingbacktolivebesideus.Untilmydadlatertoldmesixyears.AndinthenightIwokeupandmymotherwasthere.Leaningoverme.Shoutingthatthey’dbeentried.She’dbeenonthestand.Andmydadhadtotakeheroutoftheroom.Pullheroutoftheroom.AndThejudge.Whathesaidaboutme.You’llremember.Ihadsuspicioussuspiciouslyadultyearnings.WhenmymothertoldmethatIdidn’tknowwhatshemeant.
Andwenevermovedhouse.TheyTo,toshameme.Topunishme.SoI’dbepointedat.Andslappedinthestreet.Orthepsychiatristtoldthemitwasbettertostay.Forforcontinuityor
IhatethelifeI’vehad.Youwouldn’tknowthat.Iwantedyoutoknowthat.Iknewyou’dforgetaboutme.
Ray Iwroteyoualetter.Afterayearinthere.Isentone.Theyletmesendone.Theyhadtoreadthemfirst.Didyougetit?
Una No.Ididn’tgetanyletters.
Ray They’dhavetoldyourparents.
Una Whatdiditsay?
Ray Toforgiveme.Explaining.Apologising.WhatI’dlearntaboutmyself.
Pause.
TherewasanotherletterOnetheywouldn’tletmesend.Ithoughtitwouldbegoodforyoutoreadit.
Icameback.Iwascomingbackforyou.
Pause.
Ibought
Una Comingback?
Ray Yes.Ididbuycigarettes.IListen.
Una Isthiswhatyoutellyourself?
Ray It’swhathappened.IboughtthecigarettesbutIwent
Una Isthiswhatyouuse?TotoForthis?Tosmileinaphoto.
Ray No.Listen.Therewasapub.IListen.Ihadadrink.Ineededtime.Ineededtothink,toplan.Theferry,thepassports.Howtoexplain.Whattosay.AndIneededadrink.Ineededcourage.Itwasgoingtohappen.Iwalkedaroundforawhile.Thestreets.Behind,around.Iknewyouwerewaitingforme.ButIhadtoUntilIwasbackthere,attheguesthouse.Lookingupatthewindow.Thelightinthewindow.Thewomanwasthere.Strippingthesheets.Shesaidyou’dgone.You’dranoff.Whatwasgoingon?Ilefther.Iwalkedout.Youweren’tatthecarwhereIthoughtyou’dbe.Orthebeach.Ishoutedforyou.
Ithoughtyouwerehiding.Idroveintothetownlookingforyou.Icouldn’tfindyou.Ididn’tknowwhereyou’dgo.Whyyou’dgone.Istartedtopanic.Ithoughtthepolicewouldappearanyminute,surroundmycar.Iparked.Iwentbackintothepub.Thesamepubandorderedanotherdrink.Hedidn’tmove,themanthere,thesamemanwho’dservedme.Hewasstaringatme.Heaskedmeaboutmydaughter.Had,hadIfoundher?AndIIlookedathimandsaidyes,yesIhad,shewasfine.Therewasanothermanbesideme.AskingifIhadadaughterandwhatwashername.IandIAnothermanwasgettingupfromhisseat.Thefirstoneleanedoverthebar,triedtograbme.Ipulledaway,sworeatthem.TheyToldthemThree,fourofthemafterme.Iranout.Theychasedme.Twokeptchasingme.Ihidransomewhere,aIlostthem.Ihidtherefor,Idon’tknow,anhour.Iheardtheclockstrikemidnight.Igotbacktothecarand,anddroveawayandIdidn’tknowifyou’dgonetothepoliceorifIwasleavingyou
butIcouldn’tstay.IdrovetoNewcastle.Towheretheferryleftfrom.Ifmaybeyou’dgonesomehow,gonethere.Waitingformethere.Iwaitedtilldawn.ThenIknewitwasover.
Ikeptdriving.Ididn’tknowwheretogo.Idrovewest.Iheardthenewsontheradio.Safeandwell.FoundinTynemouthbyacouplewalkingtheirdog.Thepolicewerehuntingme.Huntingmycar.Theygaveoutthelicence-platenumber.Idrovetothecoast.Kepttosmallroads.Ileftthecarbehind.Walked.TheSolwayFirth.Foundaphonebox,phonedthepolice.Waitedtheretilltheycame.I’dneverhaveleftyouthere.
Pause.
Una Butthere’snodifference.Leavingorcomingback.There’s
Ray Thereis.Formethereis.
Una Betterforyou.Easierforyou.
Ray It’snoteasier.It’s
Thelawyer
Una Whysayit?Whysayitnow?
Ray ThelawyersaiditsoundedbetterifIhadleftyoutherebecauseitshowedIknewtheseriousnesstheawfulnessofwhatIhaddone.ThatIranfromyou.Nevertotoreturn.BecauseofwhatitwouldsoundliketoajurybemadetosoundlikeThatIwasgoingbackforformore.BecausewhatelsewouldIgobacktoyoufor?
WhenIcouldn’tfindyouthatnight.Ithoughtsomethingmust’vehappenedtoyou.Iknewyouwouldn’tleaveme.Someonehadtakenyou.Someonewasharmingyou.EventhoughtmaybemaybeIshouldgotothepolice.
WhentheyfoundmeIwasonthefloorofthephonebox.Huggingmyknees.Cryingmyeyesout.BecauseI’dlostyou.I,Ihadn’tprotectedyou.
Itdoesmakemefeelbetter.ThatIwascomingback.Itdoes.WhoeverIwasthen.Itmakesmefeelbetter.
Una Whydidn’tyousendtheletter?
Ray Itoldyou.
Theywouldn’tletme.
Una Theremusthavebeensomeway.
Ray No.
Pause.
Shestaresathim.
Thelightsshutoffsuddenly,intheroomandinthewindows.
Una What’shappened?What’shappened.
Ray Idon’t
Unabacksagainstthewall.
Una What’sgoingon?
Ray Ihavetogoandsee.
Una Issomethingwrong?
Ray No.Waithere.
Una Whereareyougoing?
Ray Ihavetofindoutwhat’sStayhere.Okay?
Una Yes.
Ray I’llbeoneminute.It’sprobablyapowerfailureorbutWaithere.
Heopensthedoor,goesout.
Unawaits,verystill.
Outside,distantsoundofdoorsclosing.
Aminutepasses.
Una Ray.Ray.
Shewalkstothedoor,looksoutintothedarkness,afraid.
Sheturnsback.
Thelightcomesbackonintheroombutnotthewindows.
Rayre-enters.
Ray They’reunbelievable.
Una Who?
Ray Them.Allofthem.Theyleft.
Una Allofthem?
Ray Yes.Togohome.
Una Arethedoorslocked?Arewe
Ray No.No.Ihavekeys.Ilockup.
Una Whydidn’ttheytellyou?
Ray Idon’tknow.TheyThey’restupidbastards.
What’swrong?
Oneofthemmust’vejustnotthinking.They’re
Una Youlockup?
Ray Ihavekeys.I’musuallythelast
Una You’lllockuptonight?
Ray Yes.Why?
Una Areyouthe
Ray What?
Una Thenightwatchman?The,thesecurity?
Ray No.
Una Thecaretaker,thejanitor?Areyou
Ray No.
Una Theymustthinkyouareto
Ray I’mnot.
Una Toleaveyouhere.
Ray Iamnot
Una Youhaven’tfinishedclearingup.You’d
Ray Ina
Una betterstart.
Ray Inashirt?
Una Lookatallthis.
Ray Andtrouserslikethese.Andthese
Una You’vegot
Ray shoes?
Una somekindoffixation.
Ray Itdidn’tsaymycaretakingteam,thephoto.Whatd’youmean,fixation?What?
Una Trousers,shorts.
Ray What’reyoutalkingabout?I’mIhaveapositionhere.
Pause.
Una Idon’tknowwhoI’mlookingat.
Ray Iworkedtogetthis.Iworkedtogethere.
Una Doyouknow?
Ray Everythingwasfinishedforme.Closedtome.
Una Doesanyone?
Ray Islaved.Tonotbeajanitor.Acaretaker.Adrunk.Aawaste.Torescuesomethingfromthe
Una Youhaven’tchanged.Youstilljusttalktalktoget,toLieanddon’tevenknowyou’re
Ray Shutup.
Una Idon’tknowwhattobelieve,Ray.There’ssomuchtochoosefrom.Doyouliveinhere?
Ray What?
Una Maybeall
Ray What’reyoutalkingabout?
Una thefoodisyours.Thisisyours.Youlivehereandyouyouneverleave.YouneverYoudon’thaveanyone.
Ray Ihavesomeone.
Una Youlivehereandeathereand
Ray Ifoundsomeone.I
Una DoessheknowDoessheknowyouwerecomingbacktome?Didyoutellherthat?
Youhaven’ttoldher.Haveyou?Youhaven’ttoldheranything.
Ray Iwantedto.IwantedtobutIwouldn’tAndwehavealife.I’vedonebetterthananythinganythingIcould
Una You
Ray couldimagine.Fromthatphone-box.
FromthatthatCryingonhisknees.I’veMyparents.Family.WhenIwasinside.Thefriends.Nothingforme.Refusedtodoanything.Myflatwasrepossessed.Ihaddebts.Ihadnothing.ButIfoundher.AndIamtheluckiest
Una Jesus.
Ray mostmostgratefulman.
Una CanImeether?
Ray Don’tbestupid.
Una ButI’mnotstupid,Ray.YousaidIwasn’tstupid.Iwanttomeether.Thiswonderfulwoman.Who’dneverforgiveyouifsheknew.Who’dDescribeher.Whatdoesshelooklike?
Ray Why?
Una C’mon.Whatdoesshelooklike?
Ray No.
Una Isshepretty?Attractive?
Rayturnsawayfromher.
Unapursueshim,gettingclosertohim.
Blonde,brunette?Tallorshort?Smartorstupid?Ignorant.Youcoward.Tolivelikethis.
Ray Whydon’tyoushutyourmouth?
Una Iwouldhatetobeher.
Howoldisshe?What’stheagedifference?Howmuch
Ray Oneyear.She’soneyearolderthanme.
Una Soshe’soldlikeyou.She’ssixty.
Ray She’snotsixty.
Una You’realmostsixty.
Rayturnsawayfromher.
Isshestillsexy?Doesshestillturnyouon?
Ray Yes.
Una Whatdoesshedotoyou?
Ray Jesus.
Una Whatd’youlike?Allthatsaggingskin.What’sshedobest?
Ray You’reill.
Youhave
Una I’mnotill.
Ray Don’tcomenearme.
Una I’mnotill.
Shepicksupachair,hurlsitathim.
Iamnotill.Youare.
Shepicksupanother.
Raytriestostopher.
Theystruggletogether.
Unafallstothefloor,shoutsoutinpain.
Ray Areyoualright?
Una Getawayfromme.
Pause.
Ray Howlongdidittakeyoutodrive?
Una Why?
Una Haveyoudrivenitrecently?
Unagivesashortlaugh.
Youhaveonyourshirt.It’swet.Foodor
Ray Jesus.
Una Whatisit?
Ray Idon’tknow.It’swet.Jesus.
Ihaveto
Hegoestoalocker,opensit.
Nothing.Ithoughttheremightbeanothershirt.
Hesitsdown.
I’mtired.
Una I’mtiredaswell.
Ray Istartedatsixthismorning.
Una Longday.
Ray Doubleshift.
Una Youusedtolikegoodclothes.Thatjacketyouhad.
Ray Idon’tknowwhathappenedtothat.
Una Yourclothesnow,they’re
Ray Iknow.Cheap.Thepay’snotgreathere.Theydon’tpaymeenoughforwhatIdo.Ishouldaskformore.
Ilikewhatyou’rewearing.
Pause.
Una Where’sthewater?
Hepicksupthebottleofwater,takesittoher.
Shedrinks.
Pause.
Ihaveajob.Iwork.
Before,Itravelledforafewyears.NowIwork.Imakegoodmoney.Drinkinmoderation.Noeatingcondition.Afewfriends.Notmany.Myflatcouldbebigger.I’materribledriver.Butmycarrunsperfectly.
Ray How’syourmother?Doyouseeher?
Una I’venochoice.Sheseesme.Shekeepsaclosewatch.Stillstillwon’ttrustme.Ifsheknew.Thecolourherfacewouldgo.
Shelaughssuddenlytoherself.
Mymother.Shebegantofindmeboyfriends.Toaskaround.Afewyearsago.Eligiblemen.Sonsoffriends,ofneighbours.Sheinvitedthemroundtothehouse.We’ddrinktea.Itwaslikethenineteenthcentury.Winningmyhand.BecauseIIsleptwithalotofmenbeforethat.Alot.AndwhenIgotunhappy.WhenI’dhadenoughwhen
whenI’dmademyparentssufferenoughbecauseItoldthemI’dtellthemindetailwhatIdidwiththesemen.Istopped.
Ray Howmany?
Una Youdon’tthinkI’dkeepcountdoyou?
Ray Idon’tknow.Youmight.
Una Eighty-three.
Ray Doyouhavesomeonenow?
Una Yes.
Ray Hedoesn’tknowyou’rehere?
Una No.Ididn’ttellhim.I’venevertoldhim.Ididn’twantto.Ilikedhimtoomuch.We’reapartnow.Afterthreeyears.ButIlovehim.Iwanttolovehimagain.Ifwecan.
Thiswater.Ineedadrink.Aproperdrink.Mymouth’sdry.
Ray Beer.
Una Yes.Isthatwhatyoudrink?
Ray Sometimesyes.Wine.
Beerwouldbegood.Doyouwantto?
Una Goforadrink?
Ray There’saplacenotfar.
Una Adrink?
Ray No.
Una No.
Ray Mystomach.Toomuchbeer.They’vegotgoodbeer.
Una Europeanbeer?
Ray Idon’tknowwhereit’sfrom.
Una Holland.
Ray They’llsayit’sfromHollandbutit’llbebrewedinNewcastle.
Theylaugh.
Una TheferryfromNewcastledoesn’tgotoAmsterdam.
Ray Iknow.
Theylaughagain.
Una It’sapigstyinhere.
Ray They’reThey’llcomebacktomorrowandeatinhereagainamongstthisandnotbecausethejanitorthewhocleansistheworst.Hedoesnothing.Hereads.Hehasanofficeandhesitsandreadsand
Una Whereishe?
Ray Getsill.Alwaysill.Wheneverhefeelslikeit.
Hetoucheshisshirtagain.
Thisisdisgusting.Itisapigsty.
Herunsatthebinandkicksitover.
Itfalls,rubbishspillsout.
Hekickstherubbish.
Unajoinsin.
Theykicktogether.
Therubbishlieseverywhere.
Theystop,lookateachother.
Theystartagain.
Hestops,outofbreath,sits.
Shegoesnearertohim.
Una Areyoualright?
Ray Ithinkso.Thisfeelslikeawound.It’ssowet.
I’mgoingtodieatsixty.IknowIwill.I’vealwayssomeIbelieveit’llhappen.Sixty.Afeeling.
I’veonlyfouryearsleft.Fourtogo.
Iwonderedhowyou’dgrowup.Whatyou’dbecome.Thekindofpersonyou’dbe.Howyou’dlive.Toseeyounow.Andyoutobeunhappy.AndIamthecauseofthat.Ineverwantedtohurtyou.
Una Youdid.
Heputshishandout,strokesher.
Ray Youwerelonely.Beforeyoumetme.Whenyoumetme.Youwerealone.Youwerealonelychild.Yourparentsleftyoutoyourself.YouneversaiditbutwhenIheldyouinmyarmsIcouldfeelit.Iseenow.Ithoughtyouwerestrong.You’renot.NeitheramI.
Theykiss.
Ididthinkaboutyou.Idothinkaboutyou.
Una Whatdoyouthink?Doyouthinkaboutmethen?
Ray Yes.Yes,Ido.It’sallIhave.
Una Inthatroom?
Ray Yes.Touchingyou.Holdingyou.
Una Fuckingme?
Ray Yes.Fuckingyou.
Una Doyoumasturbate?Doyoucome?
Ray Yes.
Theykiss.
Itgetsmoreintense.
Theybegintoundresseachother.
Theyliedown.
Raypullsaway.
No.Ican’t.Ican’t.
Una Iwantyouto.
Ray No.
Una Whynot?
Ray I’msorry.Ican’t.
Una AmItooold?
Outsidetheroom,fromsomedistanceaway,anadultfemalevoicecallsout.
Voice Peter?
Ray It’salright.
Heseemsnottohaveheardit.
Una Did
Voice Peter?
Hestaresatthedoor.
Una Isither?
Ray Yes.
Thevoicecalls,fainter,furtherawaythanbefore.
Voice Peter,areyouhere?
Ray She’sattheotherendofthebuilding.Wecan
Una What?
Ray Wehavetogetout.
Pause.
Thesoundofthedoorhandleturning.
Unamovesovertothefarwall.
Raywalkstowardsthelockers.
ThedooropensandaGirloftwelveenters.
Girl You’rehere.Peter.You’rehere.
Ray Hello.
TheGirlgoestohim,putsherarmsaroundhim.
What’reyoudoing?
Girl We’relookingforyou.Wherehaveyoubeen?
Ray Iwashere.I’mchanging.
Hemovesawayfromher.
I’mbusy.
Girl Whatareyoudoing?
Ray Lookatthemessinhere.
Girl I’llhelpyou.
Shebendsdowntopickupthelitter.
Youeattoomuch.
Shelaughstoherself.
Ray No.Don’t,darling.Don’t.
Firmer:
Dropit.
TheGirldropsthelitter,staresathim.
Goandfindyourmum.TellherI’mcoming.TellherI’llseebothofyouattheentrance.I’llgetthecarandI’llmeetyouattheentrance.Waitthereforme.I’llbeafewminutes.Go.
Girl Comewithme.
Ray Ican’t.
Girl Why?
Ray Ican’tyet.Iwill.
Fiveminutes.Ihavetolockallthedoors.
Girl Whycan’tIstayherewithyou?
Ray Youshouldn’tevenbehere.Youshouldn’tbeinhere.It’snotallowed.Youhavetogonow.
TheGirlseesUna.
Girl Who’sshe?Peter?Whyisshethere?Whyisshehiding?
Ray She’snothiding.
Una I’mnothiding.
TheGirlmovesclosertoRay.
Girl Peter,whoisshe?
Ray Afriend.
Girl Doessheworkhere?
Ray No.
Una Wewerejusttalking.
Ray Andyou’veinterruptedus.
Girl Areyoucomingwithus?
Una No.
Ray Darling
Girl Doyouknowmymum?
Una No,Idon’t.
Girl What’shername?
Ray Una.
Una Youshouldgonow.
Ray Youshould.
Girl Iwanttostaywithyou.
Ray Darlingyoucan’t.YouhavetofindMum.
Una Go.Please.Go.Youhaveto.
Unaguidesthegirloutofthedoor.
Silence.
She’snotyours?
Ray No.Anotherman.
You’renotmymyIdon’thavetotellyoueverything.
Unagroans.
Don’t.
Una OhChrist
Ray Don’t.Whatyou’rethinking.
Una Youcan’t.OhGod.
Ray No.Icouldnever.Believeme.
Hemovesclosertoher.
Itakecareofher.Ilookafterher.Iwouldnever.
Hetakesholdofher,gettingmoreinsistent.
Iwouldneverdothat.Iwouldnever.Believeme.Youhavetobelieveme.
Hestops.
Never.
Heembracesher,strokingherface.
Hekissesher.
Shedoesn’trespond.
Hebreaksapartfromher.
There’snothingIcansay.
Theystareateachother.
Pause.
Bothofthemlookatthedoor.
Raytakesasteptowardsit.
Una Wait.Youcan’t.
Ray Ihaveto.
Una No.
Ray Ihavetogotothem.
Una No.
Ray Theyneedme.
Shegoestohim,holdshim.
Una No.Youcan’t.Youcan’tgobacktothem.
Ray Letme.Letme.
Una No.
Ray Letmego.Letme.Ihaveto.
Una Youcan’t.
Ray Getoffme.
She’sclingingtighter.
Heshovesheraway.
Shecomesbackathim.
Una Letmecomewithyou.Theyhavetoknow.
Ray Getthefuckoffme.
Hethrowsheraside.
Unastaggersbackwards.
Rayexits.
Una Ray.
Unarunsoutoftheroom.
Theroomisempty.
End.
AbouttheAuthor
DavidHarrower ’splays includeKnives inHens (Traverse,1995),Kill theOld,TortureTheirYoung (Traverse, 1998),Presence (RoyalCourt, 2001),DarkEarth (Traverse, 2003).Adaptations/versions includeTheChrysalids(NTConnections,1996),SixCharactersinSearchofanAuthor(YoungVic,2001), Woyzeck (Edinburgh Lyceum, 2001), Ivanov (National Theatre,2002),TheGirl on theSofa (Edinburgh International Festival/Schaubühne,2002)andTalesfromtheViennaWoods(NationalTheatre,2003).BlackbirdwasshortlistedfortheSaltireSocietyBookoftheYearAward,2005.
ByDavidHarrowerfromFaber
bythesameauthor
DARKEARTHPRESENCE
THECHRYSALIDS
(adaptedfromthenovelbyJohnWyndham)PURPLE
(translatedfromtheplaybyJonFosseandincludedinShellConnections2003anthology)
TALESFROMTHEVIENNAWOODS(Horváth)
PublishedbyMethuenKNIVESINHENS
KILLTHEOLD,TORTURETHEIRYOUNG
SIXCHARACTERSINSEARCHOFANAUTHOR(Pirandello)
PublishedbyOberonIVANOV(Chekhov)
THEGIRLONTHESOFA(JonFosse)
Copyright
Firstpublishedin2005byFaberandFaberLtdBloomsburyHouse
74–77GreatRussellStreetLondonWC1B3DA
Thiseditionpublishedin2006
Thisebookeditionfirstpublishedin2014
Allrightsreserved©DavidHarrower,2005,2006
TherightofDavidHarrowertobeidentifiedasauthorofthisworkhasbeenassertedinaccordancewithSection77oftheCopyright,DesignsandPatentsAct1988
Allrightswhatsoeverintheseplaysarestrictlyreservedandapplicationstoperformthemshouldbemadeinwriting,beforerehearsalsbegin,toCasarottoRamsay&Associates,12NoelStreet,London
W1F8GQ.Noperformancemaybegivenunlessalicencehasfirstbeenobtained.
Thisebookiscopyrightmaterialandmustnotbecopied,reproduced,transferred,distributed,leased,licensedorpubliclyperformedorusedinanywayexceptasspecificallypermittedinwritingbythepublishers,asallowedunderthetermsandconditionsunderwhichitwaspurchasedorasstrictly
permittedbyapplicablecopyrightlaw.Anyunauthoriseddistributionoruseofthistextmaybeadirectinfringementoftheauthor’sandpublisher’srights,andthoseresponsiblemaybeliableinlaw
accordingly.
ISBN978–0–571–31884–1
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