a notebook on ego for scrummasters

ScrumMaster gathering split (croatia), november 2014

Angel Medinilla

angel.medinilla@proyectalis.comwww.proyectalis.com/en/AngelMedinilla

(Slides, Videos, Newsletter, Books, Blog, LinkedIn, Sketchnotes, Twitter...)

Twitter: @angel_m (would love some instant feedback!)

My Pleasure!</vanity>

First of all... - Yes, this is tough

- It can make you uncomfortable- I’m on my way too

- Suggestion: try to hold your “yes but...”

Ballerina experiment

Identity as a construction: - Experience (memories, knowledge, skills)

- Relations (Family, Friends, society)- Belonging (genetics, culture, material goods, habits)

- Paradigms (beliefs, values, likes, dislikes)- Aspirations (purpose, interest)

Identity as a construction:- Where is “Me”?

- Identity is a complex phenomenon- Self image

- “I Am” as a self fulfilling prophecy

Identity as a construction: - Self = border to others

- “You are German”, “You are white”, “You are catholic”, “you are an engineer”...- There is an AWARENESS behind that (usually neglected!)

- Terry Pratchett’s “Second Thoughts”

Ego- Defense / survival mechanism : “me” vs. “Not me”

- Self preservation: attachment, clinging...- Reaffirms identity

- Changing ego is perceived as “destroying me”

Ego- Is not a “bad thing”

- Ego is not “egoism”, “selfishness”- Ego is not you, in fact

Freud- Ego deals with the conflict between Id and super ego

- Id represents desire and instincts (short term, inconscious, “I want...”)- super ego is an aspirational state (in western cultures, usually defined by “shoulds”

and “should nots”, parental standards and “leader” ideal)

Unhealthy ego- Fear, anger, frustration

- Greed, aversion- Denial, delusion, distortion

- blaming, projecting, passive agressive- isolation, self-deprecation

- somatization, self-destruction

Unhealthy ego- Addiction mechanism; when needs / desires are not met, ego reacts inflating pain

- that’s why most advertising speaks to the ego...- neurotic dependence creates suffering

Ego management- personify your ego: “Mind” management

- unhealthy behaviors do not belong to the mind: we can get rid of them- we are not stuck with what we are born with

- neuroplasticity

Ego management- Bahavad gita, boddhisatva way of life: “mind is an enemy for those who do not have

control over it”- “Masakatsu Agatsu”

Healthy ego- Calm, emotional control- motivation, happiness- tolerance, mercy

- responsibility, engagement

Why ego bother us?- Ego vs others (like teams)

- We expect “others” to change- We blame “others” for their egos

“Other-ism”- Clash of egos

- we expect others to change- tragedy of commons

“other-ism”- Everyone loves themselves more than anyone else- Everyone wants to be happy and stop suffering- Meditate about that and you’ll love everyone!

“other-ism”- “Ubuntu”

- Buddhism: there is no separate self (but there is a skillfull sense of self); there is no clear boundary between your happiness and the happiness of others

“other-ism”- “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of

ourselves” (Carl jung)

islands- “Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know nothing about”

Mind mechanisms- Paradigms, judging

- cognitive dissonance, rationalizing- emotional hijack, predictable irrationality

- illusion of control- ,,,

Inner voices- The “comentator”

- The “second arrow”

How to deal with (your) ego- Mind management- Self compassion

- Knowing and changing yourself

1) be aware!- watch your ego at work

- cultivate mindfulness; regular scanning (ananda’s tale)- use your inner compass; identify emotions and their triggers

1) be aware!- notice judgement (good/Bad, like/dislike, do this/do that...)- cultivate listening and silence: let your awareness manifest!

- “when you know what the problem is, you’ll know more about the solution”

2) overcome- Stay positive, no matter what

- maintatin equanimity-practice altruism- connect to others

2) overcome- seek flow

- practice thought supression- self-regulate your emotions

- “you don’t need to solve every problem”

3) be open to change and growth- Be ready to let go

- change your narratives- develop an “ego immune system”

3) be open to change and growth- Reframe and relativize

- forgive, assume positive intention, appreciate- take responsibility for your actions

“Yes, but...” (what about others)- Set an example to them

- watch and listen: seek to understand- be there for them

- everyone has it’s own journey- help them see themselves

final thoughts- Change is not denying

- focusing on other is not denying- be the best possible version of yourself

- you will be remembered by the impact you had on people, not by how much work you accomplished or how many times you were right

Exercise: listening levels + feedbackLevel 1: “I don’t give a damm” (groups of 2, 5 min)level 2: “i know everything” (groups of 2, 10 min)

level 3; “let’s look for a solution” (groups of 3, 15 min)

Exercise: listening levels + feedbacklevel 4: full active listening (groups of 4, 15 min)

explore, seek to understand, try to know more - no problem to solvesupervisors: look for coaching style and emotional responses

constructive feedback: give feedback to coach and coachee (5 min)metafeedback: as a group, evaluate the feedback received. note down what worked well,

what needs to be improved (10 min)

More at http://Slideshare.net/proyectalis

Thank you and... BLOG IT!!

(Oh, yes, and buy the books!)http://www.proyectalis.com/en/AngelMedinilla