1 getting past the gender gap are men really really from mars and women from venus from venus dr....

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GETTING PAST THEGETTING PAST THEGENDER GAPGENDER GAP

Are menAre men really really

fromfrom Mars Mars and womenand women from Venusfrom Venus

Dr. Larry C. BobbertDr. Larry C. Bobbert

Part 2Part 2 be sure to watch Part 1 first.

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Hope you Hope you watched watched

Part 1Part 1

““Getting Past the Gender GapGetting Past the Gender Gap””

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““When it comes to

When it comes to

people there are

people there are

few simple few simple

answers”answers”

RememberRemember

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In Part 1 were focused on ideas expressed in Dr. John Gray's

Men are from Mars Men are from Mars andand Women Women areare from from VenusVenus..

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“Want to go out to eat?”

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“What do you want to eat?”

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“What do you want to eat?”

TRANSLATION Since you were

so nice to ask, we can eat where we can both get something we like, so

“What do you want to eat?”

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• Acceptance• Admiration• Encouragement• Trust

• ValidationValidation• RespectRespect• UnderstoodUnderstood• AppreciationAppreciation

What messages do they want?

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Acceptance Men want to be accepted the way

they are. If a man feels a woman is trying to improve him, he will think

What messages do men want?

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Acceptance Men want to be accepted the way

they are. If a man feels a woman is trying to improve him, he will think

“She is always telling me what to do.

What messages do men want?

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Acceptance Men want to be accepted the way

they are. If a man feels a woman is trying to improve him, he will think

“She is always telling me what to do.

I feel I am being treated like a child.”

What messages do men want?

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Encouragement If a woman tells him her

complaints, he will think,

What messages do men want?

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Encouragement If a woman tells him her

complaints, he will think,

“She’s always blaming me for her unhappiness.”

What messages do men want?

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Encouragement If a woman tells him her

complaints, he will think,“She’s always blaming me for her

unhappiness.”I don’t feel motivated to be her

knight in shining armor.

What messages do men want?

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Trust If a woman keeps worrying

about everything that may go wrong, he will think,

What messages do men want?

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Trust If a woman keeps worrying

about everything that may go wrong, he will think,

“She doesn’t trust me.”

What messages do men want?

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• Acceptance• Admiration• Encouragement• Trust

• ValidationValidation• RespectRespect• UnderstoodUnderstood• AppreciationAppreciation

What messages do they want?

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ValidationIf a man minimizes the importance of her feelings, she thinks,

Messages women want?

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ValidationIf a man minimizes the importance of her feelings, she thinks,

““He thinks I He thinks I amam unimportant.” unimportant.”

Messages women want?

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RespectIf a man forgets to do what she asked him, she thinks,

Messages women want?

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RespectIf a man forgets to do what she asked him, she thinks,

““He puts everything else ahead of me, and I have to nag He puts everything else ahead of me, and I have to nag him to get what I want.”him to get what I want.”

Messages women want?

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UnderstoodWhen a man is annoyed because she is upset, she thinks,

Messages women want?

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UnderstoodWhen a man is annoyed because she is upset, she thinks,

““He expects me to be perfect and doesn’t love me for He expects me to be perfect and doesn’t love me for myself.”myself.”

Messages women want?

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AppreciationWhen a man is impatient at her questions when a decision has to be made, she thinks,

Messages women want?

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AppreciationWhen a man is impatient at her questions when a decision has to be made, she thinks,

““He regards me as a burden.”He regards me as a burden.”

Messages women want?

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Take a deep breath and listen

Address a specific behaviorAddress a specific behavior

Hints from Gray

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Feelings hurtWhen she pauses say, “You are right.

Sometimes I am insensitive. Let’s start this conversation again in a better way.”

Men - Hints from Gray

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If a man forgets to pick up a quart of milk avoid

asking, “When will you ever remember?”

Say, “I would appreciate it if you will pick up some milk.”

Hints from Gray - WomenWomen

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Men want Information

Women Women want want DiscussionDiscussion

Summary from Gray

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Researchers disagree

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Lyn Povich WORKING WOMEN October 1994

Daily communications is much more than Gender Gender

GapGap problemsproblems

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……not a simple male not a simple male versus female issue.versus female issue.

It’s about who controls It’s about who controls the marbles in any the marbles in any given workplace.given workplace.

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TALKINGTALKING FROMFROM 9 9 TOTO 5 5

Debora TannenAlso wroteYou Just Don’t

Understand

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TALKING TALKING FROMFROM 9 9 TOTO 5 5What we What we saysay asas we do we do

our work can become our work can become evidence on which we are evidence on which we are judgedjudged

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TALKINGTALKING FROMFROM 9 9 TOTO 5 5

Debora Tannen

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1. “1. “Down” Down” positionposition vsvs One UpmanshipOne Upmanship2. “2. “Thank youThank you” ” Was Was it a it a favorfavor or theiror their jobjob3.3. ““SorrySorry”” ? ? guilty guilty vsvs apologize apologize4.4. Saving faceSaving face5. 5. LaughingLaughing gives away authoritygives away authority6. 6. AgreeingAgreeing when necessary when necessary7. 7. Competing when is it necessaryCompeting when is it necessary8. 8. GivingGiving - when do people appreciate it- when do people appreciate it

Debriefing

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• Conversational Rituals differ for men and women

• Being considerate - interpreted as incompetence

• “Indirect” vs “direct”• Women (Midwesterners) • Men (New York)

TALKINGTALKING FROMFROM 9 9 TOTO 5 5

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Some changes Men and Women can Some changes Men and Women can make to secure more successmake to secure more success

MenMen WomenWomenLearn Learn toto PraisePraise Avoid takingAvoid takingLearn to Learn to ConsultConsult arguments arguments

.. moremore so seriously so seriously

TALKINGTALKING FROMFROM 9 9 TOTO 5 5

ReminderReminderWhen you learn or When you learn or

discover some new discover some new idea, you may need idea, you may need

to to discard an old discard an old idea or beliefidea or belief..

Change is not easy

• Makes people uncomfortable

• Difficult to learn new skills

• Hard to follow directions• Actions speak louder than words

““Your success can depend Your success can depend upon how people feel upon how people feel about themselves when about themselves when they are with you.they are with you.

How you and others feel is How you and others feel is important to your success.important to your success.

““Your success can depend upon Your success can depend upon

how people feel how people feel aboutabout themselvesthemselves when they when they are with you.are with you.

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• Seen how men Seen how men and women think and women think differently differently about about the same thingsthe same things

• Gray’s Gray’s planetary viewplanetary view

• Tannen’s 9-5 Tannen’s 9-5 viewview

So what have we done? So what have we done?

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Look at other factors in Look at other factors in communicationscommunications

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Look closer at points on which Researchers disagree…..

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Lyn Povich WORKING WOMEN October 1994

Daily communications is much more than Gender Gender

GapGap problems

ReviewReview

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Robin Lakoff Language and Women’s Place 1975

Psychologist - proposed in her book that women characteristically use a speech style that is hesitant, ingratiating and indirect.

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Robin Lakoff Language and Women’s Place 1975

Psychologist - proposed in her book that women characteristically use a speech style that is hesitant, ingratiating and indirect.

Men do

Men do thethe

opposite

opposite

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Women are circle peopleWomen are circle people

Men are ladder peopleMen are ladder peopleDebora Tannen

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WOMEN’S LANGUAGE WOMEN’S LANGUAGE CHOICES and Patterns of CHOICES and Patterns of

speech in workplacespeech in workplace““Women undercut Women undercut

themselvesthemselves””

Ask questionsAsk questions instead of instead of making making

declarationsdeclarations

Debora Tannen

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WOMEN’S LANGUAGE WOMEN’S LANGUAGE CHOICES and Patterns of CHOICES and Patterns of

speech in workplacespeech in workplace““Women undercut Women undercut

themselvesthemselves””

Say “Say “WeWe” ” insteadinstead of of

““II””

Debora Tannen

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WOMEN’S LANGUAGE WOMEN’S LANGUAGE CHOICES and Patterns of CHOICES and Patterns of

speech in workplacespeech in workplace

““Not men’s faultNot men’s fault. . Socialization Socialization

processing during processing during childhood.”childhood.”

Debora Tannen

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Two friendly co-workers assigned a survey.Man tells woman which categories Man tells woman which categories he wants to research.he wants to research.

Assumes she will acceptAssumes she will acceptor or begin begin negotiatingnegotiating on who will do whaton who will do what..

Result...Result...

Example 1: Co-workersCo-workers

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Example 2: ProblemsProblems• Tannen describes a worrisome

female inability to stand out in a crowd, get to know boss or trumpet accomplishments

• Men often allow problems to happen• then charge in and solve• Look good in process

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Example 2: ProblemsProblems• Tannon describes a worrisome female

inability to stand out in a crowd, get to know boss or trumpet accomplishments

• Women spend a lot of time anticipating and preventing problems

• Rarely get credit when nothing needs fixing

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Example 3: Speaking UpSpeaking Up• Tannon, “Women talk in hesitant, Women talk in hesitant,

tentative ways… trying to tentative ways… trying to camouflage their position or soften camouflage their position or soften the impact of what they are saying the impact of what they are saying for the sake of their listenersfor the sake of their listeners

• Makes them appear to lack Makes them appear to lack confidenceconfidence

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Example 3: Speaking UpSpeaking Up

• Tannon, “Men speak more Men speak more often, interrupt more, often, interrupt more, take up more meeting time take up more meeting time and turn up the volumeand turn up the volume.

• May lack manners but May lack manners but impresses others & bossimpresses others & boss.

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Mary Crawford Talking Differences 1994

Psychologist - Univ S. Carolina disputes accuracy of research.

Worried, all this talk about “woman’s” style….diverts us from real group political action.

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Mary Crawford Talking Differences 1994

Psychologist - Concerned,that we will assume that

it’s the (women’s) fault that (they) haven’t been promoted.

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Larry Bobbert Gender Gap Computer program 1994

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck.

I ‘ve directed and studied in slow motion thousands… and the descriptions by Gray and Tannen…are observable fact.

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Larry Bobbert Gender Gap Computer program 1994

Men and women often communicate differently.

How we use this information can change careers.

If women want to go . to the top, they need .

to act the part.

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Larry Bobbert Gender Gap Computer program 1994

When you give others what they want, they tend to give you what you want.

Leaders must look decisive to get what they want.

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Emory University Study

“…few communication differences between men and women in positions of leadership.”

Women who make it to the top adopt behavior and language that helps them get there.

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Rozanne Ridgeway, former U.S. ambassador to Findland

“Job responsibilities can dictate style.”

“...my style of inclusiveness had nothing to do with my being female…the fact that each of 80 men…had power to sink any negotiation.”

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Shelia Wellington-Director Catalistcorporate research firm focusing on women’s issues

“Women must… empower (themselves) to develop personal styles that allow them to be effective.”

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• Use II instead of WeWe when describing your work.

• Avoid downplaying your role.• Downplaying only convinces your listener

that your contribution is not significant.• Humility is for prophets, and lying

political candidates.

Tannen’sTannen’s ““Tips Tips forfor your Tongue your Tongue””

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If in this world,If in this world,you want to advance,you want to advance,You must stamp itYou must stamp itand stump itand stump itand blow your own trumpetand blow your own trumpetoror believe me believe me you you haven’t haven’t aa chance! chance!

Author unknown Author unknown

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from TALKING FROM 9-5 1994

Play sentences in your head before speaking at meetings.

Think what you are going to say before you begin.

Not only to know what you’re talking about, but to sound like you do.

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of Leadership

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of Leadership

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from TALKING FROM 9-5 1994

Even when asking questions,

use an authoritative voice.

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of Leadership

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of Leadership

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from TALKING FROM 9-5 1994

Play sentences in your head before speaking at meetings.

Think what you are going to say before you begin.

Even when asking questions,

use use anan authoritative voice. authoritative voice.

ReviewReview

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ArtArt toto delivering good news about selfdelivering good news about selfMost women have less problem in Most women have less problem in

delivery than delivery than taking credittaking credit..If you don’t take credit,If you don’t take credit, you don’t get recognizedyou don’t get recognized oror rewardedrewarded

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of Leadership

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of LeadershipPracticePractice bragging bragging

on yourselfon yourself

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Can’t find opportunities,Can’t find opportunities,

create themcreate themLunch dateLunch date withwith the the boss boss

or or boss’boss’ss boss boss (low key)(low key) cccc’’ss forfor higher-ups higher-ups onon

significant memos significant memos andand reports reports

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of Leadership

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of LeadershipPractice bragging Practice bragging

on yourselfon yourself

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SometimesSometimes State your opinionState your opinion thenthen wait wait

andand see see whowho challenges you, challenges you, andand whatwhat their reasoning is their reasoning is..Men tend Men tend toto do this do this andand

it seems it seems toto work work forfor them them..

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of Leadership

Else M

all

Language of Leadership

Language of Leadership State your view State your view

unequivocallyunequivocally

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He Speaks, She SpeaksAudrey Nelson-Schneider, Ph.D

Go to...

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Trust ExerciseTrust Exercise

• How much How much trust is trust is necessary?necessary?

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Trust ExerciseTrust Exercise

• DebriefingDebriefing• What did you What did you

discover during discover during the exercise that the exercise that applies to your applies to your

jobjob??

Dr Bobbert Dr Bobbert cartoon by Max Harrisoncartoon by Max Harrison

Gene Autry Comic book artistGene Autry Comic book artist

This concludes Part 2This concludes Part 2

Much new research has been conducted. Go Much new research has been conducted. Go online and learn more about how men and online and learn more about how men and women communicate differently.women communicate differently.

You might also include cultural,You might also include cultural, language and history in yourlanguage and history in your study to help you communicate study to help you communicate more effectively.more effectively.

Dr Bobbert Dr Bobbert www.bobbertl.comwww.bobbert.biz