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FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMME

Social Work Department

NEWSLETTER MAY 2014

The Invisible String– We are spiritual as well as physical beings. What place does our

spiritual life (not necessarily our religious life) play in our grieving?

While the parents all came with very

different experiences, they were

united by some of the aspects of

being bereaved. Many parents talked

about how they found this time of

year- around Mother’s Day- very

A large group of people from near and far attended the May Bereavement

Group. As in previous groups, people’s experiences were very different. Some

parents were attending for the first time whilst others had been many times

before. Some knew each other from when their child was sick, and others

found connections with people they knew through others or from other parts

of their lives. Some children had died after lengthy illnesses whilst others had

died as a result of sudden traumatic events. Some had died some years ago,

whilst other very recently. Some children had had their lives extended by organ

transplantation whilst other people’s children had donated organs, prompting a

parent to say: “I want to thank everyone who donated their child’s organs,

you guys are amazing”. A parent of a child whose organs were donated

responded: “I always believed (and) think of it this way, your child is still alive

walking in someone else”.

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difficult since the death of their child.

As one mother said: “Mother’s Day is

terrible, we just stay at home”.

Another said: “This year is harder,

(you) reflect on how you were as a

mother”. For one parent this

celebration of parenthood was

especially painful as it coincided with

the anniversary of his daughter’s

death: “today is hard because today

was the day we were told she had

passed away”.

The Invisible String

Shirley Nash from Pastoral Care was

the guest speaker for the group. The

theme was ‘The Invisible String. We

are spiritual as

well as physical

beings. What

place does our

spiritual life

(not necessarily

our religious

life) play in our

grieving?’ We started by talking about

perceptions of spirituality and

religion. People tended to associate

religion with more formal practices

such as attendance at church whilst

they linked spirituality to personal

values: ‘What do we value? What is

important?’. One parent said: “I have

faith, but religion is different,

spirituality is something you believe

in”.

Religion: Some people described their

religious faith being shaken by the

death of their child: “I was angry at

God”, and: “I believed in God, but I

guess the last three years I’ve thought

how could (God

let) this happen

to kids”, and

also: “what sort

of a God would

take a child’s

life?” People

described being

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angry not only at God, but at the

living: “I’m angry about others living”,

and angry at themselves: “I look back

at life, what did I do wrong to have

my child taken away”. Others

described their faith as a source of

strength, and find comfort in the

thought that their child is in a good

place: “It’s still (in my thinking) that

God is there, (I’m) not letting go of

the hope”, and: “I lost faith in God,

but the day she died we decided to

baptise her because we felt she was

going to a good place”. Another

parent said: “I believe she is in

heaven. We don’t fear death

anymore because when we die we

will be with her”. Churches too were

seen as a potential source of comfort:

“Sometimes I want to go to church

but I need to find the right place”.

Spirituality: Parents talked about how

their values were profoundly changed

by the death of their child: “When

people are worried about something

insignificant now I think, what’s the

worst that can happen?”, and that it

made them think: “What is truly

important?”. The importance of

family relationships, and for some

people, other children was discussed:

“My daughter wanted a sister, now I

look at her sister and it’s like looking

at her- she brought us happiness”.

People talked admiringly about the

resilience of siblings: “He accepts it

more, he will talk about her but then

he will not”.

Activity: Shirley then read a children’s

book, ‘The Invisible String’ (by Patrice

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Karst and Geoff Stevenson) about the

connection between two people who

love each other. For some parents the

tale held meaning of enduring bonds

with their children, but for others it

brought up painful memories of the

immediate time after their child’s

death. Parents talked about different

ways they sustain a connection with

their child: “Her death can’t be in vain,

we will continue to try to find a cure

and fight this disease- that’s a way of

maintaining connection”, and: “we

talk to her all the time”. Others talked

about feelings of doubt and guilt

making them feel disconnected from

their child: “Did I make the right

decision? We struggle with what is

the best thing to do. I’m further away

from my connection. I was very

freaked out when she died”, and: “My

husband blamed himself for signing

the consent form for surgery”. Others

talked about how there are no rules,

or right or wrong ways of doing things:

“I think in those times you go with

your gut”. As one parent said, those

bonds of love bring comfort but also

pain: “we care deeply and so we (feel)

pain deeply”.

Shirley then led an activity where

each parent chose a paper shape

which represented something about

their child for them

and wrote their child’s

name on it. They hung

these shapes on a

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silver star to make a gently turning

mobile as a visible reminder of the

children who are gone from life but

who were very present in the room

that night. We finished the group

with a musical piece called ‘Hope

Springs’. Shirley gave the group a

choice about whether to play this

piece or an alternative, as some

people in previous groups have found

the concept of hope too painful in

the light of their child’s death,

however for this group the feeling

was: ‘You’ve got to have hope,

otherwise what else do you have?’.

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Hope Springs- Julie Matthews

The darker the night, the brighter the star/The further away, the closer

you are/When your well of faith runs dry/No comfort it brings/While the

stars stud the sky/Hope springs

The harder the cling, the sweeter the view/Each step that I’m taking,

I’m taking with you/I carry you with me/You’re in the wonder of all

things/With every heartbeat you give me a sign that/Hope springs

And the heart can detect it/In the smallest of things/And when you

least expect it to/Hope springs

Till every last drop of the ocean runs dry/While there’s a beautiful sun

and moon/In an infinite sky/While the mystery of love still unfolds/And

gives our heart wings/Hope springs/Hope springs

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Straight from the Heart

Chloe Maree Myors

10th June 2000 – 15th May 2012 (age: 11 years, 11 months) Would your hair be any longer?

Would your eyes be just as blue? Would you still be just as sweet As the young girl that we knew?

Would you be enjoying high school? Would you have made new friends? Would you still be playing netball? Would you be into all the trends?

Would your team still be North Melbourne? Your favourite animal – a giraffe?

Would you still love One Direction? Would little things still make you laugh?

Do you have new friends in heaven? Do they know how loved you are?

Have you been given your angel wings? Are you still the brightest star?

(Written by Auntie Chez 14/5/2014)

Thank you to Kelly Myors for sharing this lovely poem written by her sister Cherie on the anniversary of Chloe’s death

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Contributions such as responses and reflections on the groups’ themes, poems, letters, songs, quotations from parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters and friends are most welcome in the Newsletters. Share your thoughts, experiences and questions with others who are bereaved. Please forward them to: Family Bereavement Support Programme Social Work Department Royal Children’s Hospital 50 Flemington Road PARKVILLE VIC 3052 Phone: 03 9345 6111 Or email: bereavement.services@rch.org.au

Our letter box is Waiting!

The next meeting of the Family Bereavement Support Evening Group will be held on:

Thursday 19th June 7:30 pm – 9:00 pm

Ella Latham Meeting Room 2 Ground Floor, West Building

(Main Street)

Please join us in June to discuss the topic ‘Ways of Remembering’

Please join us in June

The newsletter is always a team effort. Thank you to Shirley Nash for guiding the group discussion and to Nicola Watt & Maria Jose Luca for their

assistance and scribing parents’ statements . Also to the administration team & to Carly Blanche for

ensuring the Newsletter is formatted and distributed to interested people.

Social Work Department, RCH

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