amanda's flight revised - susan reynolds

Reynolds-Amanda’s Flight

AMANDA’S FLIGHT

By Susan Reynolds

Thursday, January 2, 2003--3:18 AM

E-Mail

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: MY DREAM!

LOOOOOOOOOWELL!!!!! Help! Answer your cell! I had that dream again. We were

running through the mist, but this time you vanished, and I couldn’t find you. There was this girl

kneeling at a grave. The pain in her eyes pierced my soul. What if it was me? Call

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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Thursday, January 3, 2003—7:15 AM

IM

ABlake signed on at 7:15 AM

JLowell: you okay?

ABlake: i hate that dream. i think its cause mom and dad are flying to south africa

tonight

JLowell: im glad youre not going

ABlake: thank god we convinced them to let me stay home with nana and boppa

JLowell: your gonna miss them

ABlake: i know but they cant know. do you have soccer today?

JLowell: not this week

ABlake: ill come over after school

ABlake: signed off at 7:22 AM

Thursday, January 2, 2003—8:00 PM

Logan Airport—International Terminal

Amanda: Mom, please don’t cry.

Mrs. Blake: You’re all we have. I wish you’d change your mind and come with us.

Amanda: I have to stay here. My life’s in Concord and yours is in South Africa right now. You

and Dad have the AIDS crisis.

Mrs. Blake: I wish it wasn’t for so long.

Amanda: There’s Dad with the boarding passes.

Mrs. Blake: Remember we’ll be in a remote village the first couple of weeks, but you can

always leave a message at the office.

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Amanda: I will. Now go before I start crying.

Mrs. Blake: We love you.

Amanda: I love you, too.

Mr. Blake: Give me a hug.

Amanda: Dad, take care of Mom. Tell her not to worry.

Mr. Blake: Who’s the mom here?

Amanda: Remember…safe flight.

Mrs. Blake: Safe flight.


Amanda’s Journal

I began to cry as soon as Mom and Dad walked through the security checkpoint. When I

got home from the airport Nana made her special hot cocoa with marshmallow cream topping to

cheer me up. I thought I was better, but now I can’t sleep. I couldn’t tell Mom and Dad how

scared I get when they fly. Mom already feels guilty about following her dream. She thinks being

away from me is going to do some type of permanent damage, but I admire her quest to change

the world. I loved visiting South Africa last summer, but I want to stay here and live an ordinary

life—but I often wonder if it’s because I can’t imagine life without Lowell.

Friday, January 3, 2003—5:06 PM

Lowell’s Room

Amanda: I wish Mom and Dad didn’t have to work so far away.

Lowell: They’ve always gone to South Africa.

Amanda: What if they don’t come home?

Lowell: Maybe that’s why you had the dream? Do you think you’re afraid of losing them?

Amanda: No. It’s that girl at the gravesite. I can’t get her out of my head. She was so sad. It was

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as if someone had died.

Lowell: I’m sure it’s because they were flying last night.

Amanda: Okay, and they landed safely, so I can stop thinking about it.

Lowell: They haven’t made it to Cape Town yet.

Amanda: Don’t remind me. Can we change the subject?

Lowell: Sure. How much homework do you have?

Amanda: A ton. I blew off that huge history paper over break to read His Dark Materials.

Lowell: You already read them.

Amanda: I know, but I want to reread them ‘cause Philip Pullman is coming to Concord. You

have to come with me to meet him. Did you finish the books?

Lowell: I’m almost done with The Amber Spyglass.

Amanda: Where are you?

Lowell: Lyra and Will are going to look for Will’s dad.

Amanda: In the land of the dead. Aha! That’s it. The dream. It’s all about Lyra. It’s like I’m

Lyra and you’re Will, best friends traveling between parallel universes searching for the truth.

Thanks. Mystery solved. We were in that misty fog right before going into the land of the dead,

and I got scared. It was like I lost you. That can’t ever happen. I’d just die if anything ever

happened to you.

Lowell: Whoah! You’re talking too fast.

Amanda: Why do I do that? Wait! What time is it?

Lowell: Almost six.

Amanda: I gotta go meet Em. I’ll call you tomorrow.

Lowell: Have fun!

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Friday, January 3, 2003 - 11:08 PM

Amanda’s Journal

We’re supposed to use our journals to write about our memories. Lowell, Em and I have

been friends since I can remember. We were in school together since kindergarten, and we have

this telepathic way of knowing when we need each other. Before Mom started helping create a

new South Africa, they were always at my house. Lowell’s an only child like me, and Em is the

oldest of four girls, so she enjoyed the relative calm in our kitchen, opposed to the constant chaos

at her house with her younger sisters underfoot. After school, we’d plop ourselves at the kitchen

table, dunk Oreos in milk and talk to Mom. For Lowell, it was always about soccer, especially

after his games. When he played well or kicked the winning goal, he’d celebrate with his parents,

but after the games they lost, he’d come over to our house for a pep talk. He always wanted to

play well for his dad who was a big time soccer star in college, but that’s enough of that. I have

to write about our trip to the mall. It’s a memory, too. Just a recent one.

What a night. By the time Em and I walked out of the third store in the mall, I knew it

wasn’t going to be one of our best shopping excursions. She didn’t think any of the clothes

looked good on her, and she’d started the trip in a foul mood. She’s afraid her parents are going

to get a divorce. When I tried to tell her I understood what she was going through, she got really

upset and said, “Come on Manda. Your parents love each other. You don’t have to live with your

their forced small talk or constant fighting.” That’s when I wanted to interrupt and say, “Maybe

they do, but I don’t see it because they’re always traveling,” but I didn’t. She kept going, “You

have the perfect dancer’s body and look at your gorgeous long wavy hair and emerald eyes that

everyone talks about. What would you know about gaining weight or not finding clothes that

fit?” She’s right about that. I don’t understand her battle with weight, but I have my own

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struggles. It’s that up, down emotional thing that I have to hide now. Mom and Dad always sense

it, and I know it’s why they were so nervous about leaving me.

Em knows all about my moods, and sometimes they scare her, too. I can be so happy

about something, and then in a blink of an eye flip out about the dumbest things. I used to tell

Em everything, but she gets so worried about me. I promised myself I wasn’t going to be a

burden to her anymore, so I let her talk. She was on a roll. “And even though you don’t have a

boyfriend right now, Lowell loves you more than any boyfriend I know.” That’s when she

started to cry. This was one of the first times she needed me to be there for her. She usually takes

care of me the way she does her younger sisters, but with her parents’ fighting and everything,

she needs someone to be strong for her.

Saturday, January 4, 2003--1:22 PM

IM

ABlake signed on at 1:22 PM

EmJ24: hey. did you have dance rehearsal today?

ABlake: yeah. we have a performance soon. youll come wont you?

EmJ24: i always do. sorry i was in such a bad mood yesterday

ABlake: like ive never been sad…mad…or an emotional wreck. im glad it was

you for once

EmJ24: are you coming to als tonite?

ABlake: yeah with lowell

EmJ24: ill drive

ABlake: great

EmJ24: cya at 7

ABlake: signed off at 3:32 PM

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Sunday, January 5, 2003--1:55 AM

Amanda’s Journal

Alex’s party was fun, and now I can’t sleep. I hung out with Byron and Gina, a new girl

in my dance class. She’s different in a good way. She has a cool artsy look about her. She wears

really funky clothes and adds colorful streaks to her hair all the time. Byron moved to Concord at

the end of last year, so he and Lowell don’t know each other very well yet, but I think they could

be good friends. All the girls have such a crush on Lowell, but who wouldn’t have a crush on

him? He’s the hot soccer player with the heartbreaking smile. I wish he’d go out with someone.

Em thinks Lowell and I are more than friends, even though I told her I think I like Byron.

I feel sort of buzzed right now. I didn’t have that many beers, did I? Why does it hit me

like this? Em thinks I have some repressed feelings about being abandoned since Mom changed

her “at home mom” status to work with Dad. Or maybe it’s my angst about school, obsessing

about getting A’s so I can go to a good college. I’m sure it’s just because I forget how much I

was drinking. I mean everyone drinks, except Lowell. He’s so into his dream he doesn’t drink at

all. He wants to play in the World Cup when he graduates from college. That’s when I want to

go back to South Africa, in 2010 to watch Lowell! Enough— I have so much homework to do

tomorrow. Time to sleep.

Sunday, January 5, 2003--2:35 PM

Cell Phone

Lowell: You okay?

Amanda: Are you going to tell me I drank too much last night?

Lowell: No. I was talking about your parents. Em’s the one who yells at you about stuff like that.

You were fine, just a little wired. Is it your parents?

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Amanda: No! I’m going to be so busy with dance rehearsals, skiing, schoolwork, and—

Lowell: Byron?

Amanda: What?

Lowell: I can tell you like him.

Amanda: How do you always know what I’m thinking?

Lowell: You’re pretty transparent.

Amanda: Yeah. I think I like him, but then again I’m not so sure.

Lowell: You say that about every guy who likes you. Just go for it.

Amanda: That’s easy for you to say. You’ve had girlfriends before, but now it’s soccer, soccer,

soccer.

Lowell: I’m not that bad, am I?

Amanda: Yeah, but you have to follow your dream.

Lowell: Speaking of—I gotta go. I’ve got indoor practice.

Monday, January 6, 2003—6:45 PM

Amanda’s Journal

It was weird talking to Lowell about Byron last night. He’s always been there for me,

almost like an alter ego. We really looked alike with our dark blond hair until he cut it real short

last year. As mine grew longer, it became uncontrollable, always falling out of hair clips. When

they invented the unwritten code of ponytails and buns for dancers, they certainly didn’t take my

wild hair into consideration. It doesn’t like to be tied up. God—Have you ever heard anyone talk

about her hair as if it had a mind of its own?

Monday, January 7. 2003--9:34 PM

IM

JLowell signed on at 9:34 PM

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ABlake: hey. were writing in our journals this term

JLowell: youll like that miss verbosity

ABlake: just cuz i like to write

JLowell: you live to write

ABlake: lol. i was listening to that aquarian song. you know. the one your dad

always sings. ‘when the moon is in the 7th house” i thought of our february

birthdays… full moons… connections

JLowell: lol

ABlake: why are you laughing?

JLowell: songs... the connections

ABlake: just because i see the relationship between things and you dont

JLowell: youre always telling me to open my mind

Amanda: right

JLowell: its open to reality

ABlake: so whatd you do today. i didnt see you.

JLowell: classes. soccer

ABlake: i meant in eng. i wish you were in my class

JLowell: i wrote a poem

ABlake: whats it about

JLowell: dad and soccer.

ABlake: your two favorite subjects

JLowell: lol

ABlake: but youre just like him and its not just your name. joseph lowell

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michaels jr

JLowell: i dont look like him

ABlake: you have the same intensity…dreams…superstitions

JLowell: youre the one with superstitions

ABlake: you polish your cleats before every big game

JLowell: true

ABlake: heres another connection. we read a father son poem about icraus. the

myth about the son with the wings who didnt listen to his fathers advice and flew

too close to the sun. then he fell to the sea

Lowell: whats the connection

ABlake: the father son theme

JLowell: sometimes you carry these things too far.

ABlake: my passion for interconnectivity

JLowell: lol

ABlake: g2g

ABlake signed off at 10:03 PM

Wednesday, January 8, 2003--5:07 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I’m so weird. I was about ready to write in my journal when everyone started laughing at

me. I’m some sort of nerd trying to write while riding back in the van, but I have to write this.

Byron’s asleep next to me with his head on my shoulder. I secretly hoped something would

happen between us, and it did. Monday night after our cosmology class, Byron and I stayed after

to help Ms.Whitley close down the telescope. There’s a view of Sleepy Hollow cemetery from

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the observatory, which is a bit like looking at two worlds when you can look up into the heavens

with the infinite possibilities of the future and down into the earthly graves holding

remembrances of the past.

I think it really started when Byron started asking these heady questions, “Don’t you

wonder what’s out there when you look into the infinity of the universe?” It was weird, but I was

so comfortable talking to Byron that I asked, “You mean like who are we? Why are we here? Is

there a God?” Byron just laughed at me and responded, “Light topics.” Lowell usually lets me

rattle on to myself when I talk like this, but Byron was really into it, “I guess the best thing to say

about God is that I’m a skeptic. I don’t know what I believe. I don’t believe in a Catholic God or

a Jewish God or a Hindu God, but there’s definitely something bigger than us. Don’t you think?”

What did I think? I told him, “I have this horrible habit of saying, ‘Oh my God,’ all the time, so

am I talking to God? I don’t know. I never thought about it, but maybe I am. We live here in

Concord where the famous transcendentalists, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau

lived in the 1800s. They’re buried right down there in that cemetery. Maybe we really can

transcend time and space. Maybe there is some divine spirit holding us close.”

Byron said, “I think that’s why I like cosmology. You can ask questions about the origin

of the universe, but then you can use science to try and answer them.” I’d never thought about

science that way before. He explained theories about our galaxy, the universe, the similarities

between quantum physics and the transcendent. That’s when I started to really think about going

out with him. He was asking the same cosmic questions as me. I mean can we ever really know

about the origin of the universe, why we’re here, and what happens when we die?


Emily’s House

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Television: “We interrupt this program to bring you news of a plane crash in Charlotte, North

Carolina. A small commuter plane headed for…”

Emily: Noooo! Oh my God! That’s a picture of Lowell’s dad.

Television: “…no survivors. Among those on the plane were local men Joseph Michaels of

Concord and …”

Emily: God damnit. Hurry up. Why can’t I dial the number? What’s his cell? I have it

memorized. Come on…Okay… 978-555-1298…Come on… Come on… Pick up…

Wednesday, January 8, 2003—5:11 PM

Cell Phone

Alex: Hello.

Emily: ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEX!

Alex: Jeez… Do you have to yell like that?

Emily: Turn on the news! Channel 4… Right now!

Alex: Why?

Emily: Lowell’s dad died!

Alex: What?

Emily: Hurry. Turn on the news.

…

Alex: God damn! How’d it happen?

Emily: I don’t know. The plane dove straight down right after take off. Oh my God, Al! What’s

Lowell gonna do?

Alex: What do we do?

Emily: We have to go over to his house.

Alex: Shouldn’t we call him first?

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Emily: What do we say?

Alex: I don’t know. What do you say to someone who has, I mean had, the best dad in the whole

world. I always wished Dad and I could be like that… and now look.

Emily: We have to go over there.

Alex: Call first. I’ll come get you.


Cell Phone

Lowell: Manda? Is that you?

Emily: No Lowell. It’s Em… Um…Alex and I just found out. How are you?

Lowell: I don’t know. Dad’s whole family is here. Everything’s a mess.

Emily: What can we do?

Lowell: Where’s Manda?

Emily: I don’t know.

Lowell: I need to see her.

Emily: Alex and I’ll find her.


Amanda’s Journal

Anyway, for the first time I was nervous about skiing. I’d never skied with Byron before.

It felt odd to care what he thought of me. I knew I was a good skier, a little reckless, but I never

thought about impressing someone before. As the tension built, I began to hope something would

happen between us. As I rode up the chairlift with Byron, my heart beat faster, and I chattered on

13


about nothing in particular. When we stood to get off the chair, I leaned over too far, and we slid

into a bank as I fell right on top of him. After what seemed like an eternity, he kissed me.

We skied the rest of the day without saying anything about that kiss, but it was obvious

that we liked each other. When he put his arm around me the next time we rode up the chair lift,

I knew we were together. As I sit here next to him with his hair all mussed from wearing his hat

today, I realize I’ve never felt like this about a boy before. I always thought I’d go out with

someone who looked like Lowell, but he couldn’t be more different with his tall, lanky body and

longish brown hair. I can’t wait to tell Lowell all about today, my practically perfect day!


Emily’s House

Alex: Did you call?

Emily: You should have heard Lowell’s voice.

Alex: What’d he say?

Emily: He wants to see Manda.

Alex: Where is she?

Emily: I think she’s skiing with the team.

Alex: When does she get back?

Emily: Soon. We have to go to her house.

Alex: I’ve got the car.

Emily: Let’s go.


Car

Emily: Can’t you drive any faster? She should be home any minute.

Alex: We don’t need to crash, too.

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Emily: Sorry, but we have to hurry. What if Manda can’t handle this?

Alex: She’ll hold it together for Lowell

Emily: You don’t understand. She’s so emotional and high strung. She’s always been really

moody, getting so excited over little things and then so down when she gets a bad grade, or

something.

Alex: Really?

Emily: She hides it. Lowell’s the only other person who knows. Can’t you drive any faster?

Alex: We’re almost there.


Amanda’s House

Emily: Oh good. We got here in time.

Byron: What’s wrong?

Alex: It’s Lowell. His dad was killed in a plane crash today.

Byron: What? How? Where?

Emily: All we know is that he’s dead, and Manda doesn’t know. Isn’t she here with you?

Byron: No. I’m putting her skis away. She went inside.

Emily: Hurry. We have to tell her.

Alex: We have to take Manda to Lowell’s. He wants to see her.

Emily: Mandaaaaa… Where are you? Mandaaaaa…

Alex: Em, go up to her room.

Amanda: Hey Em. What are you doing here? Never mind. I’m so glad you are. I can’t wait to

tell you all about today. We had the best time skiing. Byron and I are … at least I think we are…

No. I’m sure we are… We’re together. We were riding up the chairlift and… Em. What’s the

matter? Why haven’t you said anything? You look like you’ve seen a ghost… Oh God… What’s

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wrong? Oh my God. It’s Mom and Dad. Something’s happened to Mom and Dad. I knew it! Oh

God.

Emily: No… Stop… It’s not your mom and dad.

Amanda: Then what is it?

Emily: It’s Lowell’s dad. He was killed.

Amanda: What?!!

Emily: His plane crashed. There weren’t any survivors.

Amanda: Nooooooooo!!! Not Joe. Oh my God. This can’t happen. Lowell can’t live without his

dad. How could God do this? How could God take Joe? Where’s Lowell? I have to see him.

Emily: He wants to see you, too. What are you looking for?

Amanda: I have to find it. I have to find this picture of us all together. God damn it. I can’t find

it. Where is it? This is gonna kill him.

Emily: Lowell’ll get through this.

Amanda: How can you say that? It’ll never be the same. Not for him. Not for his mom. Not for

any of us.

Emily: You can find the picture later.

Amanda: I feel sick. I’m going to faint or throw up or something.

Emily: Here. Sit down.

Amanda: No. We have to go. Hurry!

Byron: Amanda. There you are.

Emily: Will you stay here and tell her grandparents what happened?

Amanda: Come on! We have to go to Lowell.

Thursday, January 9, 2003-4:05 PM

Amanda’s Journal

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Yesterday was the worst day of my life. First I tried to call Lowell when we were driving

over to his house, but I burst into tears on the phone. He did too. I didn’t know what to do, so I

just hung up. Walking into the house was awful. I could feel the grief dripping in the air with all

the hushed tones filling the room. Lowell was sitting on the couch with this dazed look on his

face, and my heart broke when I rushed over to hug him. I couldn’t let go. It was like being with

myself. The pain was excruciating. We stayed all night, until Em’s mom came to get us at three

in the morning. It was so surreal. At times the four of us were sitting around, telling stories as if

nothing had happened, and then Lowell would get choked up, and we’d all start to cry. I don’t

know how I managed, but I didn’t break down, at least not in front of everyone. I was such a

mess when I got home. I can’t bear it. How is Lowell going to survive this?

Saturday, January 11, 2003—11:45 AM

IM

EmJ24 signed on at 11:45 AM

ABlake: i was over at lowell’s house last night. he was so quiet. i cant

stand it when he doesnt smile

EmJ24: he always smiles

ABlake: i cant stop crying

ABlake: what if i go into one of my moods?

EmJ24: lowells dad died. we all feel like this

ABlake: i have to be able to help lowell

EmJ24: you are. it was your idea to bring pizza over tonight

ABlake: are you and al coming?

EmJ24: al has a gig. itll just be the 3 of us

ABlake: like old times. omg im crying again

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EmJ24: i cry too

ABlake: g2g

EmJ24: bye

EmJ24 signed off at 12:06 PM

Sunday, January 12, 2003—2:45 AM

Amanda’s Journal

Somehow I managed at Lowell’s last night. I couldn’t believe there were times we were

actually laughing about memories of Joe, but today was different. I didn’t get out of bed, and

now I can’t fall asleep. Every time I try and call Lowell, I end up having to hang up because I

can’t stop crying. He starts to cry, and then what good are we to each other. Why are Mom and

Dad away? I wish I could talk to them. This is going to break Mom’s heart, too. I’m falling apart.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003-4:21 PM

Cell Phone

Lowell: Hello.

Amanda: Hi. I just wanted to…Oh God. I promised I wouldn’t cry again. I missed you at

school.

Lowell: Do you want to come over?

Amanda: Is it okay? I mean…

Lowell: It helps to be with you.

Amanda: But I’m such a mess.

Lowell: I don’t care.

Amanda: But with the wake tomorrow and everything.

Lowell: I have to write a eulogy.

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Amanda: How are you going to do that?

Lowell: I don’t know where to start.

Amanda: He always said life was like a race.

Lowell: Yeah. I can start with that.

Amanda: Are you sure you want me to come over? I can’t stop crying.

Lowell: Yeah. I like having you around. I don’t feel so alone.

Amanda: Okay. Um…Lowell.

Lowell: Yeah?

Amanda: I want to help.

Lowell: I know.

Friday, January 17, 2003---2:00 PM

The Funeral

Minister:

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep –

Anonymous

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,

I am the swift, uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

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Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there, I did not die!

Eulogy

By Joseph Lowell Michaels, Jr.

My father was a very successful man, not because he accomplished each and every one of

his goals, but because he measured success by the effort he put into reaching those goals. My dad

believed in his work ethic, and he shared his values with me. He used to repeat this quote he

heard from a football coach, “The quality of life is directly related to your pursuit of excellence.”

Although these were not the exact words, we both understood their true meaning.

My dad viewed life as a race. His life was similar to the hundreds of races he ran from

childhood until he passed away. As he started his race, he ran comfortably, but the closer he

came to the finish the faster he ran. In his life long race, however, he could not see the finish.

None of us can, but my dad knew that it could be just around the corner, and that gave him the

heart to run faster and faster. When Dad died on Jan 8, 2003, he was at a full sprint, living a full

and rich life.

The effort my dad put into making the most of the time our family spent together made

him a better man. He was happy with himself, and it showed through his brilliant smile. His

happiness also rubbed off on others. I am sure all of you who met him understand what I am

saying. His self- content enabled him to care for others, and I know, being his son, that I was

spoiled with his love and whole-hearted generosity.

Understanding my father’s passion to excel and his love for life made the days since his

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death very difficult. However, for the same reason, I am happy for my father, knowing his life

ended full, and without regret.

Saturday, January 18, 2003--4:45 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I’ve never been to a funeral before. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I burst into tears

when I heard the poem dedicated to Lowell’s dad, but I managed to pull myself together through

the rest of it. How could that poet say, “Do not stand at my grave and cry. / I am not there, I did

not die!” I wanted to scream. What did he mean when he said, “I did not die?” If he didn’t die,

where is he? Then they played Joe’s favorite song, “We’re Having a Party,” and I cried even

harder.

Thank God Em, Al and Byron were with me. I couldn’t have made it through the service

without Byron holding my hand. Lowell was amazing at the funeral, standing in front of all those

people reading his eulogy. At the reception he was even smiling at some points. I don’t know

how he did it. Why can’t I be like him?

Sunday, January 19, 2003—9:45 PM

IM


EmJ24: hey

ABlake: hey

EmJ24: the funeral was so sad

ABlake: it was the hardest thing ive ever been thru

ABlake: wait

ABlake: i never asked you about your parents

EmJ24: theyr getting a divorce

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ABlake: omg

ABlake: how are you?

EmJ24: im ok but my sisters arent

ABlake: youre holding everyone together

EmJ24: trying

ABlake: your such a good big sis

ABlake: i wish had a sibling

EmJ24: you can talk to me

ABlake: you can talk to me too

ABlake: i cant believe your parents are splitting up

EmJ24: itll be better

EmJ24: they were always fighting

ABlake: is he gonna move out?

EmJ24: i think so

EmJ24: g2g

ABlake: me too

EmJ24: hw


Sunday, January 19, 2003—1:34 AM

Amanda’s Journal

How’m I going to do this? I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see the plane

crashing down, and then I think of Mom and Dad. They can’t come home. What if their plane

crashes? What if they die, too? I couldn’t do my homework tonight. It was if my brain was

frozen in time. Come on Amanda! You can do this!

Monday, January 20, 2003—5:12 AM

22


Cell Phone

Amanda: Oh my God, Mom. I’m so glad you called.

Mom: Oh sweetie. We just heard. We’re getting on a plane home as soon as we can

Amanda: No! Don’t come home! I’m fine. Seriously.

Mom: Honey, of course we’re coming home, or do you want to come to South Africa? I’m sure

it’s not too late to enroll in school here.

Amanda: No, Mom! I can’t leave Lowell. He needs me. I’ll be fine. I have Nana and Boppa, and

my friends. Please don’t make me leave.

Mom: No. We won’t, but I think we need to come home.

Amanda: What good is it going to do for you to come back? You have so much to do there, and

I’m fine. I’m going to class, getting my work done, dancing, skiing. Please don’t ruin everything

you and Dad have worked for. Please.

Mom: I have to talk to Dad more about it. Can I talk to Nana?

Amanda: She’ll say the same thing. Hang on. I’ll wake her up.

Monday, January 20, 2003—7:12 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I don’t know how Nana did it, but she convinced Mom and Dad not to come home, at

least not yet. If they saw me, they’d know, but I can hide it from Nana and Boppa. Byron’s the

only one I can be myself with. Em’s such a mother hen, and I know she’s having a hard time at

home. Her dad moved out last night. And I can’t lean on Lowell. He’s coming back to school

tomorrow, so I’m not going to cry anymore. No more crying Amanda! You can do it!

Tuesday, January 21, 2003—5:06 PM

Lowell’s Room

Amanda: Remember the last time we hung out after New Years.

23


Lowell: It’s so different now.

Amanda: All I can think about is that dream. What if it was a premonition about your dad?

Lowell: Everyone keeps saying there has to be a reason, but I don’t believe it. He wasn’t

supposed to die.

Amanda: No, he wasn’t. I can’t believe you went back to school. How’d you do it?

Lowell: I think the medication is helping.

Amanda: What medication?

Lowell: Dr. Beatty gave me an anti-depressant. I couldn’t sleep with the first one, so he gave me

another. Maybe you should see someone. It might help you. Everyone understands why you’re

sad.

Amanda: I can’t. Mom and Dad would find out.

Lowell: Maybe they should come home.

Amanda: No! Maybe I could take the drug you’re not taking.

Lowell: What? Take Prozac without seeing a doctor.

Amanda: It’s Prozac? Oh, I can take that. Everyone’s takes it? What can it hurt?

Lowell: I don’t know. It doesn’t seem right.

Amanda: Pleeeeease. I promise I won’t take it for very long. Just ‘til I feel better. I can’t keep

crying like this.

Lowell: You should have your own prescription.

Amanda: You know a doctor would give me one. Just let me use yours.

Lowell: You sure.

Amanda: Yes! I know it’ll help me.

Lowell: Okay.

Amanda: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You’re the best friend in the whole world.

24


Wednesday, January 22, 2003—2:35 AM

Lowell’s Notebook

I’m afraid to sleep

afraid to wake up

and find someone else dead.

Wednesday, January 22, 200—8:36PM

Amanda’s Journal

I hope I made the right decision about taking jazz this term. I don’t know if I can do it

with skiing and everything else. I kept messing up during rehearsal, and I couldn’t learn the

combination. It was as if my feet weren’t listening to what my brain was telling them. Thank

God for Gina. I wish I could be more like her and not care so much others think. I can’t let Ms.

James see me cry next time. Oh God, why can’t I snap out of this?


IM


EmJ24: hey

ABlake: hey

EmJ24: you ok?

ABlake: no

ABlake: are you?

EmJ24: were at dads tonite

ABlake: how is it?

EmJ24: i think he has a gf

ABlake: omg is that why they broke up?

25


EmJ24: i dont think so

EmJ24: but its weird to be here

ABlake: im sorry

EmJ24: yeah

ABlake: how do you hold it together?

EmJ24: i have to

EmJ24: for my sisters

ABlake: like im supposed to be doing for lowell

EmJ24: how is he?

ABlake: hes so sad

EmJ24: hang on

EmJ24: dads calling for dinner

ABlake: cya



Amanda’s Journal

I didn’t ski again today. What’s happening to me? Everything moves so quickly. I

couldn’t get my homework done. I know I’m supposed to be able to do this. Lowell’s back at

school, doing his homework. Why can’t I?

Sunday, January 26, 2003—7:31 PM

IM


ShelsBy: hey

ABlake: hey by

26


ShelsBy: i thought you were coming to ginas party

ABlake: i tried

ABlake: i feel like im slipping down a black hole

ABlake: sometimes i get in these really dark moods

ShelsBy: everyone does

ABlake: but i cant always get out of them

ShelsBy: lowells dad died

ABlake: its different

ShelsBy: how?

ABlake: i cant really explain it but in eng

ABlake: we looked at this painting called starry night by van gogh

ABlake: and i started to cry

ABlake: it reminded me of joe

ABlake: up there in the starry sky

ShelsBy: hang on i want to check it out on the web

Starry Night

By Vincent Van Gogh

27


IM

ShelsBy: ive seen that painting before

ABlake: its famous

ABlake: people wrote poems and songs about it

ShelsBy: like that don mclean one

ABlake: anne sexton wrote a poem when she looked at the painting

ABlake: she kept talking about how she wanted to die

ABlake: and then she committed suicide

ABlake: i want to do that

ShelsBy: kill yourself!

ABlake: no!

ABlake: look at the painting and write a poem

28


ShelsBy: you scared me

ABlake: god i dont think i want to die

ShelsBy: do you want me to come over

ABlake: will you?

ABlake: i cant talk to anyone else about this

ShelsBy: ill be right there

ShelsBy signed off at 7:40 PM

Monday, January 27—9:43 PM

Amanda’s Journal

As soon as Byron got to my house Saturday night, we went to Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. I

just had to go and see Joe’s grave. Sounds so morbid, but I thought it would help. It didn’t. It

made it worse. The stars were amazing, but all I could think about was Lowell. Byron and I lay

on the ground in the freezing cold snow. As we were staring into the clear night sky, I started

reciting the words from Anne Sexton’s poem “Oh starry starry night / This is how I want to die.”

I have this annoying habit of memorizing quotes without even trying. I couldn’t get them out of

my head. When I asked Byron if he thought I wanted to die, he made me keep talking. Once I

started, I couldn’t stop, telling him how moody I’ve always been, with my never ending ocean of

emotions.

Monday, January 27--10:14 PM

Lowell’s Notebook

So tired and lost

Searching for answers

With nowhere to look.

29


Just tell me why.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003-8:12 PM

E-Mail



Subject: Help!

Byron! I can’t finish my math. It doesn’t make sense. Why aren't you online when I need

you? I'm going to scream! My brain stopped working. I have this paper to write, and I don’t even

know where to begin. I have a chem. test that I haven’t studied for, and I can’t figure out the

math! Everything's all mixed up inside my brain, and I can't think straight.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003—8:19 PM

Cell Phone

Amanda: Thank God you called.

Byron: Which problems?

Amanda: Just number 5.

Byron: Yeah. Look at it… If x is 1, what would you shrink it to?

Amanda: I don’t know

Byron: Look on your graph. That’s x squared. See how 2 squared is stretched 2 times.

Amanda: Yeah… I think so.

Byron: Without the 2x, 1 is 1 and 2 is 4

Amanda: Okay. I get that.

Byron: Now you multiply by 2.

Amber: Okay.

Byron: Now at 1 it’s 2.

30


Amanda: How do you know if it’s stretching? If that’s what shrinking is, then when it’s less

than 1. Oh wait a minute… less than 1.

Byron: Keep going…

Amanda: Oh… Okay. I get it. I have to plug in a point and see if I’m right.

Byron: Exactly!

Amanda: What would I do without you?

Byron: You don’t have to worry about that.

Amanda: Why can’t I get over this?

Byron: You’re going to be okay.

Amanda: Promise?

Byron: Yeah.

Amanda: Thanks I gotta go.

Byron: Me, too. Gnight.

Amanda: Gnight.

Thursday, January 30, 2003-9:29 PM

Amanda’s Journal

Today was not a good day. I think there’s something seriously wrong with me. I took a

knife out, a Swiss army one, and I laid the blade against my wrist. I didn’t mean to cut, but I

wanted to see what it felt like. I had no intention of killing myself, but I heard cutting—just a

little bit—releases the pain. And there was, such a huge sense of relief when I saw blood. Oh my

God! I can’t show anyone I’m writing this. They’ll think I’m crazy. I didn’t want to hurt myself.

I was only tempted to see if it really helped get rid of these feelings. What if the Prozac doesn’t

work?

Friday, January 31, 2003-6:49 AM

31


Cell Phone

Amanda: Hey Mom.

Mom: How are you sweetie?

Amanda: Okay.

Mom: I wish you’d email us more.

Amanda: I don’t have time. I’m sorry. I know I should, but I have to keep a journal for English,

and I have so much work.

Mom: I know, but Nana’s worried about you. Dad and I think we should come home.

Amanda: No. It was just a bad week. I was worried about my math test, and I have a big English

paper to write.

Mom: Are you sure?

Amanda: Mom, please stop worrying about me.

Mom: How’s Lowell?

Amanda: I think it’s beginning to hit him. He seemed okay at first, but he’s really sad now.

We’re all sad. It’s not just me. I gotta go, though. I don’t want to be late for school.

Mom: Will you write to us?

Amanda: I’ll try.

Mom: Dad and I love you so much.

Amanda: Love you too. Gotta go. Bye.

Friday, January 31, 2003-10:29 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I had this moment of panic when I hung up the phone with Mom and thought, “What if

they can tell? What if they come home? Would it really be the end of the world? Maybe they can

help?” But then, I imagined their faces as they looked at me with worried frowns, trying to

32


understand what’s wrong with me. I can’t let them give up their passion, their dream. They’re

really making a difference in South Africa.

Everything was fine at school, and then I went skiing with Byron and the team this

afternoon. But I fell apart later. I cut myself again. It felt so good to slowly drag the knife across

my skin, exerting subtle pressure until the pain eased the ache in my heart. There’s something

very alluring about it. My sadness and grief went away for awhile, but then it came back. I can’t

do this! I have to pull it together. I need help! Why isn’t the Prozac working. Maybe I should

take more of it.


Cell Phone

Byron: Hello.

Amanda: By?

Byron: Manda? Why are you crying?

Amanda: I can’t hold on. I’m falling apart, and I’ve …

Byron: Slow down. I can’t understand you.

Amanda: I’m so embarrassed.

Byron: What?

Amanda: I started cutting myself.

Byron: You tried to kill yourself!?

Amanda: No, I just cut. It feels good. It stops the pain. I don’t have to think about Lowell, or

Joe, or the plane crash. I have to stop… but I don’t know how.

Byron: You have to get help.

Amanda: How’m I gonna do that? I can’t tell anyone.

Byron: When did you say your parents were coming back?

33


Amanda: They’re not.

Byron: Why not?

Amanda: I told them I was okay.

Byron: But you’re not! You’re cutting yourself. You need help. You need to see a doctor. You

need drugs. You need something.

Amanda: No! I’ll stop. I’ll get through this. I’m just grieving.

Byron: People who grieve don’t cut themselves. I’m coming over.

Amanda: No, I’ll be okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Monday, February 3, 2003-- 7:34 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I didn’t go to school today. Nana and Boppa left early to go see Aunt Judy so they won’t

find out. Em came over after school, and I know she was worried. It helped to talk to her, but I

couldn’t tell her about the cutting. She wouldn’t understand. It took every ounce of energy I had

in me, but I didn’t cut today.

Tuesday, February 4, 2003--3:45 AM

Lowell’s Notebook

I can’t sleep.

It’s the dark.

It’s the dreams.

It’s the image

of the plane

crashing down.

34


Tuesday, February 4, 2003 – 7:45 PM

IM


ShelsBy: hey did you cut yourself again?

ABlake: i stopped

ShelsBy: you sure?

ABlake: dont be like em

ShelsBy: sorry. you seemed great this weekend

ABlake: it was fun to be away with the team. i just need distractions like that

ShelsBy: and me

ABlake: lol

ShelsBy: want to meet later?

ABlake: after i finish this poem about another painting

ShelsBy: your eng class sounds better than mine

ABlake: look at the painting of icarus on the web

Landscape With the Fall of Icarus

Pieter Bruegel

35


ABlake: isnt it cool?

ShelsBy: wheres icarus?

ABlake: in the lower right corner. thats his leg sticking out of the water

ShelsBy: oh i see him

ABlake: we read a poem too

ShelsBy: about icarus?

ABlake: yeah by thoreau

ABlake: “light-winged smoke icarian bird melting they pinions in thy upward

flight”

ShelsBy: whats the rest?

ABlake: i cant remember

ShelsBy: you always remember poems

ABlake: i got fixated on the upward flight. its like joes plane

36


ShelsBy: but it crashed to the sea

ABlake: i wrote that in my poem. its why i didnt cut today

ShelsBy: thinking about icarus?

ABlake: no. writing poetry

ShelsBy: all the poets wrote about their pain

ABlake: g2g

ShelsBy: send the poem

ABlake signed off at 4:13 PM.

Flying Alone

By Amanda Blake

Why do tragedies happen?

Why do planes fall out of the sky

Spinning uncontrollably

Taking those

They should not take?

Wings stay today,

Are to stay,

Wings help us fly

Are to help us fly

Not take away the very work

We have not completed.

He wasn’t Icarus;

Not choosing

Not daring

Not meaning

37


To fly too close to the sun.

He was the daddy

With the sensible son

Always listening to what he says

The son who

Doesn’t fly too close to the sun,

Nor fly too low.

The son who

Reaches for his goals

Flies high

With determination

With care

The sensible one

Flying toward his dream.

And now,

And now,

You’ve taken his father,

You’ve taken the man who taught him to fly,

Who taught him to dream,

And left him to fly alone.

Wednesday, February 6, 2003—8:45 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I can’t believe it. I woke up today, and I feel a little better. The Prozac must be working.

Whew. Maybe I’m going to be ok.


IM

38



ABlake: im sorry i havent been around more

JLowell: thats ok

ABlake: i was afraid id bring you down but im better

JLowell: did you stop taking the prozac

ABlake: i want to wait a little longer. are you ok?

JLowell: some days are harder than others

ABlake: want to go for pizza with us?

JLowell: not tonight

ABlake: you sure

JLowell: yeah

ABlake: will you still come to my party tomorrow?

JLowell: yeah

ABlake: promise me. we never miss each others bday

JLowell: ill be there

ABlake: the aquarian soul mates. i wish i could help

JLowell: you are

JLowell: g2g

ABlake: ttyl

JLowell signed off at 11:58 PM

JLowell signed on at 1:12 AM

JLowell signed off at 2:46 AM

39


Thursday, February 7, 2003—8:37 PM

Amanda’s Journal

Wow! This is weird. I went from freaking out to this strange sense of euphoria. I wonder

if it’s the Prozac. Thank God Mom and Dad didn’t know how upset I was because I’m fine now.

Better than fine!

So, what to write about today? My birthday is tomorrow—February 8th! Oh my God. The

8th. It’s the one month anniversary of the crash—Oh no! I can’t think about this. I have to think

about the party—Come on Amanda—sing the words “in the Age of Aquarius…” And Lowell’s

going to be there with me—and he’ll remember his dad singing that song— Oh God—Will this

ever end for him?

Saturday, February 8, 2003---9:45 PM

Amanda’s Party

Emily: Look at Amanda.

Alex: I haven’t seen her like this since the crash.

Emily: She seems sort of wired tonight.

Alex: She’s laughing and having fun. She and Byron are getting serious, aren’t they?

Emily: I never see her anymore. She’s spends all her time with him.

Alex: What about Lowell?

Emily: I think she was afraid to let him see how sad she was.

Alex: Where is he? I thought he was here.

Emily: He left.

Alex: Why?

Emily: He said it was too much for him. Would you look at Manda dancing on the floor, singing

to the music. See what I mean? She’s gonna get wild.

40


Amanda:

Go, go, go, go

Go, go, go Mandy

It's your birthday

We gon' party like it's yo birthday …

Emily: Look how she’s dancing with Byron.

Alex: She’s just having fun.

Emily: Hey, Manda… Don’t you think you should stop drinking the champagne? That’s your

third glass!

Amanda: Oh, Em…. Lighten up. It’s my birthday, and I’m not even thinking about Lowell’s

dad! Wait…Where’s Lowell?

Emily: Didn’t you notice? He left.

Amanda: What?! No Way! Why?

Emily: You played the song… the one from the funeral.

Amanda: Oh my God. I didn’t even think about that… “We’re having a party.” Joe always

played it at our birthday parties. I have to call him!

Emily: Don’t. He seemed really sad.

Amanda: He’d probably yell at me for drinking champagne.

Emily: I’m yelling at you! Don’t drink anymore!

Amanda: Okay, Mom… I wish you’d relax. Have some fun. Come dance with us!

Saturday, February 9, 2003—3:11 AM

Lowell’s Notebook

I have so much anger, anger

Built up inside of me,

41


I just want to punch the wall,

Or fall and die, end please

Saturday, February 9, 2003—10:15 AM

IM


EmJ24: hey manda

ABlake: hey

EmJ24: you ok?

ABlake: yeah

EmJ24: you were pretty drunk last night

ABlake: i was sorta mean to you

EmJ24: i know your sad

ABlake: no im better

EmJ24: so whyd you get so drunk

ABlake: idk

EmJ24: will you be careful?

ABlake: why do you always try to take care of me

EmJ24: cuz your parents are away and i love you

ABlake: i love you too. i don’t know why I act like that

EmJ24: just be careful

ABlake: how come everyone else can handle their problems?

EmJ24: your just over sensitive. have you talked to lowell?

ABlake: hes on right now

EmJ24: how is he?

42


ABlake: ok

ABlake: want to meet us in town for lunch later?

EmJ24: sure

ABlake: byrons coming too

EmJ24: ill call al

EmJ24: well meet you there

EmJ24: cya in town

ABlake: cya

EmJ24 signed off at 10:26 AM


Amanda’s Journal

Oh my God! I had that dream again last night. It was the same one I had right before Joe

died. I was sitting at a gravesite crying. Was it me? Was it a premonition? Did I know he was

going to die! That’s impossible, or is it? I have to tell Lowell. No, I can’t upset him more than he

already is. He was supposed to meet all of us for lunch yesterday, but he never showed.

Friday, February 15, 2003—12:46 PM

Lunch Room

Amanda: Let’s go sledding, or something fun this weekend. We can get everyone together.

Emily: You really want to?

Amanda: Yeah. I feel so much better, not sad anymore.

Emily: How’d that happen? I know Lowell’s taking some anti-depressant. I’m surprised you

didn’t need to take one. You were pretty messed up.

43


Amanda: But not anymore. One morning I woke up, and I didn’t feel that heavy hand gripping

my heart.

Emily: You’re always so melodramatic.

Amanda: Don’t you think it’s how your mom feels? Isn’t she sad?

Emily: She cries sometimes, but I think she’s okay. It’s just hard when people break up.

Amanda: Are you talking about your Mom and Dad?

Emily: Yeah. And I’m afraid Alex and I are going to break up, too.

Amanda: Why?

Emily: I don’t know. He’s always at play rehearsals and hangs out with the band more. He’s

been a dj at the radio station, too. I don’t see him as much on the weekends. We’ve been fighting

about stupid things. I think it scares me ‘cause it reminds me of Mom and Dad’s fights.

Amanda: You’ve gone through this before. You guys’ll be okay.

Emily: I hope so. Sometimes I wish we were just friends, like you and Lowell.

Amanda: I haven’t seen Lowell that much. Just at school. He never wants to do anything. I think

he needs to be alone or with his mom. He doesn’t stay online very long, and he always has to go

when we’re on the phone. He seems okay when we’re at school, but he goes home right after

classes, and then soccer later. I want us all to do something for his birthday on Monday, but he

doesn’t want to.

Emily: It’s his first birthday without his dad.

Amanda: Let’s make him a cake.

Emily: He’d like a cake.

44


Amanda: There’s the bell. We gotta go.

Monday, February 18, 2003—9:46 PM

IM


ABlake: happy bday

JLowell: thanks for the cake

ABlake: did you like it?

JLowell: yeah. sorry i didnt feel like going out

ABlake: thats ok. did you hear about philip pullman?

JLowell: no

ABlake: hes coming to concord wed nite. will you come with us

JLowell: sure

ABlake: can you believe im going to meet him after reading his books so many

times. did you know i have lines memorized. i could probably recite the entire

scene in the land of the dead

JLowell: lol

ABlake: were all getting pizza before he talks. wanna come?

JLowell: sure

JLowell: g2g

ABlake: bye



45


Amanda’s Journal

Philip Pullman came to Concord! I’m so glad Lowell came with us. He’s the only one

who understands my obsession! Over five hundred people came to hear him speak. I made

everyone get there early so we could get seats near the front. When he started to tell us where the

ideas for his stories come from, I began to wonder why I feel so connected to Lyra. I still haven’t

figured that one out yet.

When he waits for an idea, his first step is to tip back in his chair until he can’t go back

any further without falling over. Next he swings in his chair, taps his pen and traces the fingers

on his hands. As he does this, he waits at his desk for the ideas to come to him. Next he twangs

his ruler and draws smiley faces on his thumbs, still waiting for his ideas, until the daydreams

begin. One time when he was in a hazy, semi-dream state, Lyra appeared in a wardrobe in the

library, and he began writing. When Philip Pullman said this, I wanted to shout, “Aha! Lyra

came from beyond. What if she came from the collective unconscious… or somewhere outside

of her head?” but I didn’t. I decided it would be better to write to him about my ideas.


Lowell’s Notebook

The pillow over my head,

Suffocation, stop thinking more

I wish I could fly to heaven and back,

And all the way we can say,

I just want my dad, one more day.

Sunday, February 23, 2003—9:23 AM

Amanda’s Journal

46


I keep having these weird dreams where I’m alone without Lowell, who’s without his

dad, with this eerie sense of disconnection that I hate. Is that why I can’t get the image out of my

head—the one where Lyra gets in the boat and floats down the river into the land of the dead—

away from Pantalaimon—because I dreamt it before. Is this what my dream was about? The

mist? The fog? Where do these ideas come from? What did Philip Pullman say? He was

daydreaming, when she appeared in the wardrobe, and she had something to say to him. What is

she trying to say to me?


IM

JLowell: could you help me with eng?

ABlake: sure

JLowell: i have to write about someone taking a stand

ABlake: why not write about your dad?

JLowell: im trying

ABlake: can you use your eulogy?

JLowell: part of it but i need more

ABlake: ill help

JLowell: how?

ABlake: i can write a brainstorm with my ideas and connections

JLowell: not too many connections

ABlake: lol. ill send it when im done

JLowell: thanks


47



Amanda’s Brainstorm

heroes—that’s what you’re going to write about—you’re going to write about how your dad was

a hero—and he still is even though he’s not physically here. he’s still guiding you through your

memories of him—and his words of advice—but you have to start with your eulogy—yes—

that’s what you have to do—you have to go back to that—you can talk about heroes who rise

above tragedies in their lives and make a difference—like you—lowell— you’re going to rise up

from this tragedy—i know you are—it’s really your dad’s role modeling that is allowing you to

keep going—he pursued his dreams— just like you— you’re on this hero’s quest—that’s it—

your dad gave you the knowledge, courage and resiliency to survive your own tragedy—you‘re

on this voyage through your grief— through the darkness of your soul to come out into the light

—there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for you—and you’re going to come home—you’re going

to —and your dad is going to lead you home—he’s going to help you on your journey of

exploration and return to you—that’s it!

Monday, February 24, 2003—2:11 AM

Amanda’s Journal

I can’t sleep. Maybe it was writing that brainstorm to Lowell. It was so weird. I started

writing and in the middle I realized I wasn’t thinking about what I was writing, just writing. The

words came to me as if they were coming from beyond. Aha! Just like Philip Pullman. I wonder

if Joe is out there? Is he watching over us? Is he right here with Lowell? With me?


The Library

Amanda: What are you reading?

Byron: It’s a book about quantum physics, string theory, parallel universes…

48


Amanda: Wait! Parallel universes like in Philip Pullman’s books?

Byron: What?

Amanda: You promised you’d read them after we saw him.

Byron: I will.

Amanda: Remember? It’s like I told you. I’m Lyra and Lowell’s Will. In the second book, The

Subtle Knife, Lyra meets Will from a parallel universe when they learn to use this knife to move

between their worlds. Are you talking about the same parallel universes?

Byron: I’m not sure. Some say it has to do with predictions of what could happen. Anything that

could happen does happen, each in its own parallel universe. There’s an infinite number of them.

Amanda: Oh my God! That’s it! Lowell’s dad is alive in a parallel universe!

Byron: What are you talking about?

Amanda: Think about it. Lowell could be teleported through space to a parallel universe where

his dad is still alive? And all Lowell has to do is find a way into that world. Oh my God! Maybe

Joe’s ghost is in the land of the dead with Will’s dad—Am I totally insane, or is there some truth

here?

Byron: You’re pretty out there.

Amanda: But not totally impossible…right? Just listen. Lowell’s dad made the decision to get

on the airplane that ultimately crashed, but what if he made the decision not to get on the plane?

And, what if the people in charge of safety decided not to fly the plane? So based on a belief in

parallel universes, doesn’t that mean Lowell’s dad could be alive in another universe?

Byron: Yeah… but even if these alternate realities exist, there’s no way to perceive them.

Amanda: But what if there were? What if there was a way to communicate across parallel

universes? What if they intersect in some way? What if time travel or teleportation is really

possible between these different worlds or realities? I bet I can find his dad.

49


Bryon: Amanda! You’re not making any sense.

Amanda: I think Lowell’s dad is alive. We just have to find him. Don’t you remember that

poem at the funeral? Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die.

Byron: But that’s symbolic. You have to accept that he’s gone?

Amanda: No! If I can find his dad, I’ll be able to heal Lowell’s pain. I just have to figure this

thing out.

Byron: You’re not talking to Lowell about any of this, are you?

Amanda: No. I don’t want to get his hopes up. I can hide it from him until I can tell him his

dad’s still alive.

Byron: His dad is dead.

Amanda: In theory. But you have to help me!

Byron: I don’t know about this.

Amanda: Pleeeeeeease.

Byron: Okay… What was that kiss for?

Amanda: You’re the best!

Bryon: Where are you going?

Amanda: To the stacks! I have to do some research. See you at ski team.

Byron: Wait!

Saturday, March 1, 2003—1:02 AM

Amanda’s Journal

This is awesome. I know I’ll be able to get everything done because I don’t need to sleep.

We skiied all afternoon, and I even beat my best time! Homework is so easy now—but look at

my room with my study papers scattered everywhere. I checked out about 20 books from the

50


library the other day—and now they’re all over the place! I better clean these up before anyone

sees them—It looks like a cyclone came through here, and I think the cyclone is me.

Monday, March 3, 2003—3:25 PM

Dance Rehearsal

Gina: Damn! I just broke the lace.

Amanda: I have a pair you can borrow.

Gina: It’s not the shoe. I thought Drake really liked me.

Amanda: Weren’t you guys together this weekend?

Gina: Yeah.

Amanda: So, what’s the problem?

Gina: It was just a hook up.

Amanda: Oh… I’m sorry.

Gina: No, it’s my fault. I should have known I wanted more of a relationship than he did.

Amanda: Guys can be such jerks. I mean some guys. Byron’s not like that.

Gina: Neither is Lowell. Maybe I should just stick to being friends with guys.

Amanda: Or wait for someone like Byron.

Gina: You’re so lucky to have him.

Amanda: Now if I can just get over Joe’s death

Gina: I thought you were doing better with that.

Amanda: I am, but…

Gina: There’s Ms. James. We better start the warm up.

Tuesday, March 4, 2003—2:14 AM

Lowell’s Notebook

I need you right here,

51


Just one tear I can’t spill

Because they’ll all flood me out,

Like a broken dam I’m about to explode

These emotions I can’t hold!

You’re everything I miss.

Wednesday, March 5, 2003—10:09 PM

Amanda’s Journal

What’s wrong with me? I thought I was doing better, but then I cut myself after I got

home from skiing. I didn’t mean to, but I was so mad at Byron. We were skiing, and all of a

sudden I felt so frustrated and mad. I kept falling, and when Byron tried to make me feel better, I

just started yelling at him. He yelled back, “Jeez Amanda! What’s wrong with you? You’re like

Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.” I’m losing it.


Cell Phone

Amanda: Hello.

Emily: Hey, Manda.

Amanda: Thank God you called. I had the worst day. Byron and I got in this huge fight and then

Nana started telling me how worried she is about me, how she wants to call Mom and Dad

because she thinks I’m having a hard time without them. Nana never thought it was a good idea

for them to leave me home, and I think she’s sort of mad at Mom. I heard her tell Boppa how

selfish she thinks Mom is for putting her work before me. She thinks they’re making a huge

mistake. What if they decide I have to go to South Africa? I can’t go now. Not with Byron and

Lowell’s dad and everything. What the hell…

Emily: Whoah! Slow down.

52


Amanda: Sorry. You’re the only one who understands. I can’t talk to Lowell about this. I mean I

could, but he’s got enough on his mind. What should I do?

Emily: I don’t know.

Amanda: What do you mean? You always know what I should do. Why can’t you help me?

Emily: Help you? I’ve been here for you every time you’ve had some type of problem or crisis,

but as soon as you’re okay, you blow me off. When are you there for me? I’m sick of it.

Amanda: Wait Em… You don’t know what it’s like.

Emily: No. That’s right. I don’t know what it’s like. I’m only trying to deal with my mom and

dad’s divorce, help my sisters, stay together with Alex... When do you ever ask me how I am?

Amanda: Oh God. I’m sorry.

Emily: It’s always about you. Can’t you ever think about anyone else? How things are going to

affect them? You’re not the only one with problems. We all have problems.

Amanda: You don’t have to be so bitchy about it.

Emily: I gotta go.

Amanda: Em…

Thursday, March 6, 2003—7:56 PM

Amanda’s Journal

Em and I still haven’t talked about what happened. I can’t believe she got so mad at me. I

was so frustrated when she hung up on me that I burst into tears, and then Nana came into my

room. She put her arms around me, and I told her everything—how upset I am about Em, Byron,

Joe. I miss him so much. That’s when Nana said it doesn’t help that Mom and Dad are away

while I’m going through this. I think I convinced Nana that I’m gonna be ok, but I don’t know.

Saturday, March 8, 2003—9:12 PM

Jet City Regulars

53


Emily: Hey, Byron. We’re over here.

Byron: Alex’s band is great. I didn’t know Alex could sing like that.

Emily: Haven’t you heard them before?

Byron: No. Where’d they get the name?

Emily: The Jet City Regulars? They’ve had it for a couple of years. Manda doesn’t like it. She

says it reminds her of Lowell’s dad, but Alex doesn’t want to change it. Everyone knows them

by that name.

Byron: Where’s Manda? I thought she was coming with you.

Emily: We sorta got in this fight.

Byron: We did too.

Emily: You did? About what?

Byron: I don’t know. She just sort of flipped out on me one day, but we’re fine now.

Emily: I haven’t really talked to her.

Byron: You should make up. Haven’t you been friends for a long time?

Emily: Yeah, and with Lowell, too. We’ve been friends since kindergarten.

Byron: Did you know Lowell’s dad very well?

Emily: Not like Manda. She and Lowell lived at each other’s houses, at least when her mom

started traveling with her dad. She used to stay with them when they were away. I’m really

surprised that she got over his death this quickly.

Byron: Do you think she’s really over it?

Emily: She seems fine when she’s with me. Why? Is she hiding something?

Byron: No, but there’s something weird. Sometimes she’s almost too happy, and then she wigs

out on me. I can never tell what kind of mood she’s going to be in.

Emily: That’s Manda.

54


Byron: And she’s so attached to books… poems… characters.

Emily: She has a photographic memory when it comes to remembering lines and quotes from

books. Haven’t you ever heard her recite poems in the spur of the moment?

Byron: She mostly talks about Lyra and Will. It’s almost obsessive, especially since Philip

Pullman came to town. You saw her when he was speaking. It was like she was in a trance.

Emily: She gets like that when she’s excited about something.

Byron: Does she always come up with weird, sort of cosmic ideas?

Emily: What do you mean?

Byron: It’s probably nothing. I should read the trilogy to see what she’s talking about with the

parallel universes and the land of the dead. She knows they’re just fantasy novels, doesn’t she?

Emily: You’re worried about her.

Byron: Never mind. There she is. Don’t say anything. Lowell’s with her.

Amanda: Hey you guys. Look who I brought!

Emily: It’s so good to see you out.

Lowell: Sorry I haven’t been around much.

Amanda: Don’t apologize! Come on. This is one of my favorite songs. Dance with me Lowell!

Lowell: Byron?

Byron: Go dance.

Emily: She seems fine to me.

Byron: Yeah. Never mind. I’m sure it’s nothing. Let’s go dance with them.

Sunday, March 9, 2003—5:42 PM

IM

Tuesday, March 11, 2003—10:32 PM

55


Amanda’s Journal

I dreamt I was in a wardrobe just like Lyra. What true story do I need to tell? I already

have the knowledge. There’s a way to move from the darkness to the light of hope. It takes love,

perseverance, and time. Is this the knowledge I need to pass on? Or, is there something more?

Can I travel from my wardrobe through the metaphysical to a new reality? I can try. But how?

That’s the question. How can we go into the land of the dead? To that parallel universe? Do we

need to take a different form? There has to be some other plane? Some other dimension? Can I

bring Lowell with me to find his father’s ghost through a memory? A dream? There must be a

way for him to talk to his dad again— to bring him out—out into the light of day. I have to write

Philip P. He’ll know what I’m talking about.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003—11:57 PM

Letter

Dear Mr. Pullman,

I’ve been meaning to write you ever since I met you in Concord. My friend Lowell’s dad

died in a plane crash in January, but I think he may be alive with Will’s dad in your land of the

dead. I know we’re going to find him, which is why I’ve been studying these theories. What do

you think of teleportation? Do I sound crazy? Sometimes I lose sense of what’s real and what’s

fantasy, but I’m right about this. We’re going to find Lowell’s dad alive in another universe.

I think there are deeper messages from the past in the words on the pages of your books. I

think you’re re-telling Lyra and Will’s past lives without knowing it. You told us that you wait

for your ideas to come as you sit and rock in your chair, tap your pen, and twang your ruler. And

then you described your mood as a daydream-like state when Lyra appeared to you, and she was

in the wardrobe. What if those weren’t really your thoughts? What if they came from the

universal spirit through you to reveal these truths about parallel universes?

56


I believe, not to insult you Mr. Pullman, but I believe that even though you’re a devout

atheist, you have fallen into something very powerful in the spiritual realm. Perhaps God or the

Holy Spirit is talking through you! Please write me back! I want to know what you think.

Very sincerely,

Amanda Blake


Amanda’s Journal

Why do I do it? I come up with these ideas, write them down really fast, and send them

off, and then think—uh oh—What did I just do? What if Philip Pullman thinks I’m totally crazy?

Sometimes I feel like I’m in the balloon with the Wizard of Oz ready to take off with only the

ropes holding me down, but I’m afraid they’re going to snap, and I’m going to fly away.

I’m gonna stop taking the Prozac. I’m not depressed at all. Actually, I’m the opposite of

depressed. My brain works so fast, and I can even stay up all night if I want.

Monday, March 17, 2003—1:12 AM

Lowell’s Notebook

My Mountain

My whole life I have been building a mountain,

A mountain that makes me

But a cliff appeared,

For a while I was only rolling

Prevented myself from falling

But now I have no more strength.

Like my muscles, I’m wavering

I’m not scared to fall,

57


Only scared to build another mountain,

Scared that I might find another cliff,

where God could send mom over the abyss.

Saturday, March 23, 2003—8:32 PM

Amanda’s Journal

In The Amber Spyglass Mary says there are the stories that will nourish Lyra and Will.

With true stories everything will be well, everything. That’s what I need to do. I need to tell

Lowell the true story of his dad, but before I can do that I have to find it, and if I do, maybe the

story will come true. Will said it best in The Subtle Knife: “If there really is a world of the dead,

then my father will be there, too, and if we can talk to ghosts, I want to talk to him.”

There has to be a way to Joe. Maybe it’s in the land of the dead, or maybe it’s through

quantum mechanics, but either way I’ll find it. But where? Is that what I was looking for in my

dream when I was running through the mist? I couldn’t find Lowell, but what if I was really

looking for his dad?

Monday, March 24, 2003—1:06 AM

Lowell’s Notebook

I feel uneasy with the passing winter;

The new spring uncovers what’s hidden

by the dark cold piercing wind

and concealing snow of winter

Deep feelings of sadness and despair

with the coming spring scare me.

58


These feelings I can no longer hide.


The Lunch Room

Amanda: Oh good! Byron, you’re here. I’m gonna scream! I got a letter from Philip Pullman!

Never in my wildest dreams did I think he’d write me back.

Byron: Where’s the letter?

Amanda: Here… Wait… Are your hands clean? Don’t get any ketchup on it.

Byron: You better make a copy of it before something happens to it.

Amanda: Good idea. Here it is:


Letter

Philip Pullman c/o David Fickling Books, 31 Beaumont Street, Oxford, 0x1 2NP

Dear Amanda,

Thank you for your letter, which was very interesting.

The problem with supposing that ideas come from somewhere is that you have to suppose

a somewhere for them to come from. My experience is certainly that they come; but it’s an

experience of coming-to, not coming-from. I mean I can feel that they come to me, but I can’t

feel that they’re coming from anywhere. Maybe they just come from a millimeter away from the

brain cells that register them.

As for my being a devout atheist, I don’t remember saying that I was devout. An atheist I

certainly am, from one perspective; from another, I’m an agnostic; but I hope I’m not devout at

all. Simultaneously skeptical about everything, and credulous about everything, would sum it up.

59


You remember Blake’s “Everything that lives is holy?” I think I’d say “Everything that

is, is conscious.”

With best wishes,

Yours,

Philip Pullman


The Lunch Room

Byron: Wow! What did you write to him?

Amanda: Didn’t I show you the letter?

Byron: Did you keep a copy?

Amanda: I think so. Isn’t his letter amazing? I have to write Philip back. Is that what I call him?

Mr. Pullman sounds so formal now… But Philip is too informal. Maybe I’ll call him Philip P.

Byron: Stop. You’re talking too fast again.

Amanda: What do you think he means by skeptical and credulous at the same time. That’s

pretty interesting… Hmm… Do you think it’s sort of like heaven and hell?

Byron: What do you mean?

Amanda: You know how Philip P. said that William Blake, you know the famous poet, wrote,

“For every thing that lives is holy?”

Byron: Yeah?

Amanda: That quote is from Blake’s poem “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell.” Do you think

we can we be in heaven and hell at the same time? If we go down into the land of the dead, are

we in hell? Can we bring the souls out into the light? Can we bring them back to heaven? But

what if heaven is really here on earth, not up in the heavenly skies, so then don’t we have to

60


bring the hell to heaven, and that’s what I have to do. I have to bring Joe back from the darkness

of hell into the light.

Byron: Amanda! You’re not making any sense. What are you talking about?

Amanda: I have to bring Joe out of the dark. What if consciousness is just a parallel universe?

Philip said, “Everything that is, is conscious,” so that includes the people in the land of the dead

like Joe and Will’s father. We just have to define conscious in that context.

Byron: You’re scaring me. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you alright?

Amanda: Don’t you see it? It’s all so clear.

Byron: What is? You’re taking this stuff too far. I’ve got to go to class. Don’t you have chem.

next?

Amanda: I’m not going to class. I have too much to do, too much to research. I’ll see you later.

Byron: You never cut class. What’s wrong with you?

Amanda: I gotta go. Talk to you later.

Byron: Where are you going?

Amanda: I have an idea. Don’t worry. I’ll be back for English. It’s just one class. It’s just a

study session for the test tomorrow, and I’m ready for it.

Byron: Wait--

Amanda: See ya later.

Byron: Amanda!


IM


JLowell: i never see you

61


ABlake: sorry. ive been with byron a lot. we have this project

JLowell: for school?

ABlake: no hes helping me with something

JLowell: what?

ABlake: i cant tell you yet

JLowell: ?

ABlake: g2g

ABlake: ill call later


Friday, March 28, 2003—2:05 AM

Amanda’s Journal

There has to be a way to answer Philip P.’s letter about consciousness. It isn’t in the

material world, so once we move into the non-material world, aren’t we talking about the

mystical or unknowable, and then aren’t we teetering on the edge of some type of universal

oneness— maybe it’s not God—but it’s definitely not on this earth, or is it? What would Philip

say? Is he an atheist because he doesn’t believe in God, but what about the emptiness of the

universe? Maybe there’s a physical part of the quantum world? And is the quantum purely

scientific or does it contain that hint of God? What am I talking about? I’m talking in circles

again—I have a head ache. My brain is moving too fast. I’ve got to try and take a nap — and

then maybe I’ll dream—What a minute— Don’t ideas come from dreams sometime? But then

again— What is a dream? What if a dream is really a parallel universe?

Monday, March 31, 2003—12:45 PM

The Library

62


Emily: Hey Byron.

Byron: Hey. What are you doing?

Emily: Finishing a paper.

Byron: Do you have a sec?

Emily: Sure.

Byron: Have you seen Amanda’s room?

Emily: Why? Is it a mess?

Byron: It was the last time I saw it. She has books stacked all over the room, and she has so

many overdue books that they locked her card until she returns them, but she hasn’t. Now, if she

wants a book, she buys it from Amazon.

Byron: Do you know what she’s reading?

Emily: I can’t keep all her books straight.

Byron: But she can, and then she connects them all in these random ways. Don’t you think it’s a

little odd?

Emily: She’s always been that way. I think she’s okay.

Byron: Are you sure?

Emily: I’ll talk to her.

Byron: Amanda’s moods are really hard to take, and I’m… I don’t know… It’s just not working.

Emily: Oh…So do you want to break up with her?

Byron: Yeah, but I’m afraid she might flip out or something.

Emily: Does she know you feel like this?

Byron: I don’t know. She’s so wired all the time. Sometimes it’s like she’s on a different planet.

She has these crazy ideas about finding Lowell’s dad.

Emily: What do you mean finding him? He’s dead.

63


Byron: She keeps talking about going into the land of the dead with this character…you know

Lyra… as if she’s real.

Emily: That’s weird. She hasn’t said anything to me.

Byron: I think she knows how strange it is.

Emily: I’ll talk to her.

Byron: Thanks. I gotta go to class.

Emily: Me, too. I’ll walk with you.

Wednesday, April 2, 2003—9:22 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I just woke up. I can’t believe I fell asleep right after school. I’m still really tired, and I

haven’t even started my homework. Nana said she came in while I was sleeping, but she didn’t

want to wake me. She had this funny look on her face, like she had a secret or something. I was

too tired to ask her what it was, and now I’m trying to finish my math and chem. Ergh.

Thursday, April 3, 2003—8:56 PM

IM


ABlake: hey you were smiling today

JLowell: lol

ABlake: its soccer isn’t it

JLowell: it helps

ABlake: whens the tournament?

JLowell: this weekend

ABlake: wish i could go. its your first game without your dad. omg that was so

stupid

64


JLowell: its ok

ABlake: i hate it when i do that. im sorry. i write things before i think

Jlowell: g2g ill call later


Friday, April 4, 2003—2:43 AM

Amanda’s Journal

I heard Philip Pullman’s voice in my head again, “The day was overhung with a gloomy

mist. It was more like dusk than daylight, and wraiths and streamers of the fog rose dismally

from puddles in the road.” Then I had a vision. I saw it. I saw Joe’s soul fly up to heaven. I kept

calling, and then I looked up. Through the misty air a space opened up, and the sun shone

through. I saw a bird fly straight up into the sun and burst into flames, but I knew it was Joe’s

soul. It was as if I was Lowell, feeling my dad ripped away from me just as Pantalaimon was

ripped from Lyra before she went into the land of the dead. Can I really feel Lowell’s pain? Is

that what’s happening to me?

Saturday, April 5, 2003—12:45 PM

IM


DancerGrl: hey

ABlake: hey gina

DancerGrl: i havent seen you except dance

ABlake: ive been with by a lot

ABlake: hes been the only one i can talk to about my ideas

DancerGrl: what ideas?

65


ABlake: ill tell ya later

ABlake: wanna go to the mall?

DancerGrl nice way to change the subject

ABlake: lol

ABlake: i want to go shopping with you

ABlake: i love your clothes

ABlake: wanna go?

DancerGrl: sure

ABlake: i have this urge to shop shop shop

DancerGrl: when are you going?

ABlake: ill come get you now

DancerGrl: now?

ABlake: i have to go now

DancerGrl: why?

ABlake: i dont know

DancerGrl: ur so impulsive

ABlake: by says that all the time

DancerGrl: ill be ready


Monday, April 7, 2003—7:45 PM

Amanda’s Journal

How could I go from this amazing shopping spree with Gina to a horrible night with By.

We had so much fun at the mall yesterday. I could have shopped all day with all the cool spring

66


clothes on sale. I bought shirts, shorts, and these funky shoes that Gina picked out. Then these

necklaces caught my eye, and before I knew it I had four bathing suits on the counter, too. I just

had to have them even though we won’t be able to swim for weeks. Gina didn’t expect me to buy

everything, but I told her she doesn’t understand how I shop. I was in the best mood, singing

with Gina the whole way home. By got us tickets to the Ladysmith Black Mambazo concert this

weekend. They’re this awesome South African group that was on the Graceland CD. I heard

them last summer, and now they’re doing this reunion tour with Paul Simon. I was so happy, but

when By came over, everything fell apart. He broke up with me. We were sitting on the couch,

kissing, and I was feeling so close to him. I even thought I might give in to my feelings, when he

stopped us and pulled away from me and told me he didn’t think things were working out

between us.

I couldn’t believe it. I was so shocked. I just stared at him. I wanted to pull him back

toward me, start kissing again and pretend I didn’t hear him. Then he told me he didn’t think

we’d been getting along because I was always talking about Philip Pullman and my weird ideas.

That’s when I got really mad and said, “What the hell? I thought you understood. I thought

you agreed with me. You’re the one who told me all about parallel universes and quantum

physics. I never would have come up with those ideas if it weren’t for you, and now you’re

baling on me?” He just said he was sorry, but he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I

was so pissed I told him to leave, but when he did, I sat back on the couch and started sobbing.

Until that moment, I didn’t realize how much I liked him. What if I was starting to fall in love

with him? It doesn’t matter now, though. It’s over.

Tuesday, April 8, 2003—10:45 AM

Walking to Class

Gina: Hey Byron.

67


Byron: What’s up?

Gina: Not much. Do you want to get together to work on our history project later? I don’t have

dance today.

Byron: Sure. I can meet you after track. Where?

Gina: You can come over to my house.

Byron: Sounds great.

Gina: Did you ever get those concert tickets?

Byron: Yeah.

Gina: You’re going with Amanda, right?

Byron: I was, but we broke up.

Gina: No way. Why?

Byron: I’m not really sure. It just wasn’t working out.

Gina: What are you gonna do about the concert?

Byron: I don’t know. She won’t want to go with me. She was really mad.

Gina: I’ll go.

Byron: Do you really want to come?

Gina: Yeah.

Byron: Sounds good. I gotta run to the lab.

Gina: See ya at lunch.

Tuesday, April 8, 2003—4:45 PM

Amanda’s Journal

Thanks to Byron I’m a mess again. I didn’t wake up until 2 this afternoon. I couldn’t go

to dance since I missed school, so I’m not going to get the part I want. I haven’t felt this horrible

in weeks. My mind feels blank, numb. I could sleep for days. Maybe I need to start taking that

68


Prozac again. I still have some left. It’s like I’ve been riding this amazing natural high, and it just

stopped midway and threw me onto my bed like a limp rag doll. I need another sick day. Maybe

if I go to sleep now, I’ll feel better tomorrow.


Cell Phone

Amanda: Hello?

Lowell: Manda? Are you okay?

Amanda: No. I mean yes. I’ve been sick.

Lowell: I had a weird feeling about you. What’s wrong?

Amanda: Byron and I broke up.

Lowell: Why?

Amanda: I don’t know. He couldn’t handle my moods, or something like that. You’re the only

one who accepts me for who I am.

Lowell: Em does, too.

Amanda: I know. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. What if something’s really wrong with me?

Lowell: You really liked him. Anyone would be upset.

Amanda: What if I need more Prozac?

Lowell: I thought you stopped taking it.

Amanda: I did, but I have one more refill. Remember you got three.

Lowell: Don’t do that. Someone will find out with the insurance and everything.

Amanda: No one will know. I promise

Lowell: Maybe you don’t need it. You’ve always been like this.

Amanda: It exhausts me. I feel like crap.

Lowell: Come into town with me. We can get pizza.

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Amanda: God. You sound great.

Lowell: We won the tournament last weekend.

Amanda: No way! That’s awesome. How’d you play?

Lowell: I scored the winning goal.

Amanda: You’re amazing!

Lowell: Mom was really psyched.

Amanda: Yelling louder than anyone?

Lowell: Yeah. She ran onto the field after we won. It was sort of embarrassing, but she was

really happy. So do you want to go for pizza?

Amanda: Sure, as long as my mood doesn’t bring you back down.

Lowell: Don’t worry. It won’t, but you sound like the like one who needs cheering up.

Friday, April 11, 2003—9:13 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I stayed in bed for two days, and woke up feeling totally normal today. I went back to

classes and dance practice. I felt smart again. It must be Lowell, or the Prozac. I hate dipping

down like that, feeling so out of control. It drives me crazy. It’s like being on this bungee cord

that almost falls to the sea, and then bounces up again.


IM


ABlake: thanks!

JLowell: for what?

ABlake: you always make me feel better

JLowell: i had fun

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ABlake: it was so awkward seeing byron in town. do you think he likes someone

else?

JLowell: idk

ABlake: i thought everything was fine between us

JLowell: sometimes it doesnt work out

ABlake: am i that annoying to be with?

JLowell: no

ABlake: are my moods that hard to deal with?

JLowell: people have to get used to them

ABlake: omg its bad

JLowell: stop. ur obsessing

ABlake: sorry

JLowell: g2g

ABlake: soccer practice?

JLowell: no. harry potter

ABlake: what?

JLowell: im rereading them

ABlake: you sound like me with lyra and will

JLowell: the next one comes out this summer

ABlake: i forgot how much you like them

JLowell: you do too

ABlake: if im not lyra im hermione running to the library

JLowell: lol


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Monday, April 14, 2003—10:56 PM

Cell Phone

Amanda: Mom?

Mrs. Blake: Hi, sweetie.

Amanda: How’s Cape Town?

Mrs. Blake: We’re not there. We just landed at Logan.

Amanda: What?! What are you doing here?

Mrs. Blake: We had to come home. We were too far away from you.

Amanda: But what about your work? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?

Mrs. Blake: We wanted to surprise you.

Amanda: I can’t wait to see you.

Mrs. Blake: We still have to go through customs. Don’t wait up.

Amanda: You’ll wake me up, right?

Mrs. Blake: Of course we will.

Amanda: Mom?

Mrs. Blake: Are you crying, Sweetie?

Amanda: I just realized how much I missed you.

Mrs. Blake: We missed you too. We’ll be home soon.

Amanda: Bye.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003—9:45 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I couldn’t believe how amazing it was to see Mom and Dad. I had no idea how much I

missed them. Mom kept looking at my eyes, asking me how I was. I don’t know how many times

72


I said, “Don’t worry, Mom. I’m fine.” Dad gave me a huge bear hug and immediately started

filling me in on the problems with HIV in South Africa. Their non-government organization is

making progress to make anti-retroviral drugs available to the public. He and Mom want to go

back in the fall. I can tell I’m going to have to fight that same battle all over again. I’ll have to

convince them that I can stay here without them senior year. But I won’t worry about that right

now. I’m just glad to have them home.


The Lunch Room

Amanda: It’s been so long since we’ve all had lunch.

Emily: You were always with Byron.

Amanda: Ergh. It’s so weird seeing him in the halls. I haven’t even talked to him yet.

Lowell: You can still be friends.

Amanda: I don’t know. He’s been hanging out with Gina a lot. I’d feel weird, like a third wheel

or something. You don’t think they like each other, do you?

Emily: I think they’re just good friends, like you two.

Amanda: Yeah. You’re my Aquarian twin, Lowell.

Lowell: You’re not going to get all psychic on me, are you?

Emily: Your sun, moon, and stars talk.

Amanda: Stop teasing me. Just cause you guys can’t think outside the box.

Lowell: Stop staring at him.

Amanda: I’m not staring!

Lowell: You really like him, don’t you?

Amanda: Oh God. What if I do? I didn’t realize it when we were going out, but yeah. You don’t

think he broke up with me because all I’d do is kiss him?

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Emily: I didn’t think you guys talked about sex.

Lowell: I don’t want to hear this. I gotta go see the trainer. I’ll see you later.

Amanda: Bye Lowell.

Emily: So…

Amanda: He wanted to, but I wasn’t that into it, not then… but what if we had?

Emily: Then you’d be even more upset.

Amanda: But what if that’s why he broke up with me?

Emily: Do you want to get back together?

Amanda: I don’t know. I really miss him. I could talk to him about anything.

Emily: He told me you had these weird ideas about Lyra. Something about the land of the dead.

What did you tell him?

Amanda: It was dumb. I don’t believe it anymore. I wanted Joe to come back for Lowell so

much. I sort of imagined he was alive. I thought we could find him in a parallel universe.

Emily: A what?

Amanda: Byron taught me about quantum physics, all this funky stuff. Remember when that

author came last year? The guy who wrote The Elegant Universe? Brian Greene I think his name

was.

Emily: He didn’t talk about dead people being alive, did he?

Amanda: No, but you have to admit it’d be cool if they were really alive in another universe.

Emily: That’s too weird for me. But if you like Byron, you should talk to him. At least try and

be friends with him again.

Amanda: Mom said I could have a party. Maybe I should invite him, and then I can tell him.

Emily: Just don’t drink. You get all weird when you drink.

Amanda: What are you saying? I haven’t done that since my birthday.

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Emily: I know. But if you want to get back together with Byron, you should be sober.

Amanda: I know. So…do you think it’s a good idea?

Emily: Yeah. A party’d be fun. Try to make it on a night that Al isn’t playing with the band.

Amanda: Okay. I gotta go to dance. Maybe I’ll see if Gina knows anything about Byron. She’d

tell me if he liked someone else.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003—11:45 AM

Amanda’s Journal

It felt so good to tell Mom the truth. I was having a total panic attack about all my

homework when I heard her come up the stairs. I couldn’t figure out how to organize my

research paper. I was stuck on a math problem, and I couldn’t find my chem notes. I knew she

was going to come in any second, but I couldn’t stop myself from throwing my books around

like I was insane or something. I hurled my math book across the room, and it almost hit her. I

didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I burst into this bizarre laughter yelling, “Oh my God.

There’s a flying book about to crash into the door and break into a million little pieces.” That’s

when I started to cry, and she took me in her arms like she did when I was a little girl. I blurted

out the whole story about Byron, Joe, Em’s stress about her parents, and my utter panic that I’m

not going to get into a good college.

I couldn’t believe what a relief it was to unload all this stuff on her. She made me feel

totally normal, like I wasn’t losing my mind and offered to help me organize my life. I asked her

what she was talking about since I only got one A- and that was in chem. I know it was because I

cut class a couple of times. I couldn’t believe it when the principal called Nana. Oh God. Maybe

that’s why Mom and Dad came home. She told them about it even though she promised not to. I

think Nana and Boppa were just ready to have their own life, and they thought Mom should get

her priorities straight.

75


I told Mom I could handle everything. Then I looked around the room with my clothes

strewn all around on my unmade bed and papers in scattered piles everywhere. She laughed at

me and told me I’ve always been like this. I felt better when she said good night, but I still have

all this homework to finish. It’s after midnight, and I have that chem test tomorrow. Come on

Amanda! You can do this. Get it together.

Friday, April 25, 2003—8:35 PM

Amanda’s Party

Amanda: Where’s Al?

Emily: He’s coming in his own car. He had to finish something with the new CD they’re

recording.

Amanda: Oh my God. There’s By. What’s he doing with Gina? She didn’t tell me they were

coming together. I asked her at dance who she was coming with, and she said she didn’t know.

Why didn’t she tell me? Em…

Emily: Stop it. Why are you so paranoid? Go say hi.

Amanda: I can’t. I don’t know what to say.

Emily: Go talk to him. He’s going to get something to drink. Quick. I’ll talk to Gina.

Amanda: Hey By.

Byron: Hey. How are you?

Amanda: Good. You?

Byron: Okay. I was afraid you wouldn’t want to talk to me.

Amanda: I’m sorry I got so mad. I wasn’t expecting to break up. I didn’t know you felt that

way. Um… do you think maybe we could…

Byron: Hang on a sec. Hey Gina. Over here.

Gina: Hey Amanda. Great party.

76


Amanda: Thanks. I’m psyched to see everyone dancing.

Gina: We talked to your parents before we came down here. They’re so cool with everything

they’re doing in South Africa. Have you been there?

Amanda: Yeah. Last summer.

Gina: You should go with them next time. I can’t understand why you stay here. It’s so … I

don’t know…ordinary.

Byron: She’d never leave Lowell.

Gina: Are you guys going out?

Amanda: Me and Lowell? No. What made you think that?

Gina: Oh. I thought you …

Amanda: By? Is that why? Do you think I like Lowell?

Byron: I love this song. Come on you guys. Let’s go dance.

Amanda: You go. I want to talk to Em for a sec.

Emily: So…what’d he say?

Amanda: Oh my God. Gina was acting so weird, all cutesy and everything in front of By. She

thinks Lowell and I are going out, and she was looking at By like…Oh. I don’t know. Like she

had a crush on him or something. What if they like each other? What if that’s why he broke up

with me? Does he like her? Are they hiding something from me? Can you find out? Talk to By

or ask Gina’s other friends over there. They just came in.

Emily: Manda, chill out! There’s Lowell and Al. Let’s have fun, okay?

Amanda: Look at Gina and By! They’re slow dancing. I’m going to go talk to him. How dare

he! What’s he thinking? This is my party. He can’t do that.

Emily: Calm down. You’re over reacting.

Amanda: Stop treating me like a child. You’re always so bossy. Just leave me alone!

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Emily: Jeez. Get a grip.

Amanda: What the hell! Go dance with Al. I’m going upstairs.

Alex: What was that about?

Emily: Hang on. I have to get Lowell. I’ve never seen her like this.

Alex: He’s over there. I’ll get him.

Emily: Lowell, will you go find Manda?

Lowell: Why?

Emily: She’s flipping out over Byron and Gina. She thinks they’re going out, and she’s having a

total spaz.

Lowell: Oh…

Emily: What? Are they going out?

Lowell: I think so. Byron was afraid Manda’d be upset.

Emily: Upset? You should see her. Go find her, will you?

Lowell: Where’d she go?

Emily: Upstairs somewhere.

Lowell: Be right back.

Emily: Al, you don’t want to break up, do you?

Alex: What’s going on? What happened before we got here?

Emily: I don’t know. Things seem so weird tonight. Is it a full moon?

Alex: You sound like Manda. Let’s go check. We can always hang out and…

Emily: Kiss you like this?

Alex: Yeah. Let’s go. It’s getting pretty loud in here.

Emily: What about Manda?

78


Alex: Can we forget about her for once? You’re always worrying about her. Between your mom,

sisters and Manda, I’m amazed you have time for anything else.

Emily: You know I’d spend all my time with you if you weren’t so busy. I hate all your play

practices, band rehearsals, and that psych paper you’re working on. I never see you.

Alex: You can see me right now.

Emily: That’s not what I meant.

Alex: Come on. Let’s go outside.

Emily: What about Manda?

Alex: Lowell’s with her. She’ll be fine. You have to stop worrying about her so much.

Emily: I know.


Amanda’s Journal

What would I do without Lowell? How many times do I say that? He’s my life raft,

keeping me safe from the raging waters all around me, or is it the tumultuous brain waves inside

my head. I ran up to my room during the party and flung myself onto my rose colored comforter

with its shades of purple and pink daisies meticulously placed on the winding vines of fabric. As

I sank into the down feathers, I felt as if I could keep falling into the middle of the bed, falling

into a darkness of sleep and safety forever. Whoah! I don’t usually write like that. Where’d that

come from? What would Philip Pullman say? From a millimeter away in my brain, those brain

waves that strangle my emotions into knots so tightly wound I can’t wrestle myself out of them.

Ergh! Last night sucked. I didn’t even get to tell By I still liked him. He left with Gina

before I came back downstairs. I turned to Lowell at the bottom of the stairs, but I didn’t need to

ask. I could see it in his eyes. He knew there was something going on between Byron and Gina,

79


but he hadn’t wanted to tell me. I started to yell at him for hiding it from me, and then I burst into

tears. This is getting ridiculous. Up, down, up, down. Why can’t I stay on stable ground? I’m

either flying to the stars, or crashing to the sea. Oh God. Listen to me. I sound just like that

Icarus myth. I have to take a nap. I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Sunday, April 27, 2003—3:54PM

IM

ABlake signed on at 3:54

JLowell: you ok?

ABlake: sorry about the other night. i dont know why i was so upset

JLowell: you really like him

ABlake: i dont know how i feel. is that what happens when you think about

your dad?

JLowell: sometimes

ABlake: you seem so together

JLowell: its easier not talking about it

ABlake: you can talk to me

JLowell: i know

ABlake: i have so much hw

JLowell: me too. i blew it off to finish goblet of fire

ABlake: im rereading them too

JLowell: lol

ABlake: do you ever think you read to escape your feelings?

JLowell: all the time

ABlake: i don’t know what id do without my books or journal but you dont

80


ever write about your feelings

JLowell: i write poems sometimes

ABlake: you do?

JLowell: i have to write one for eng tonight

ABlake: about your dad?

JLowell: it can be about anything

ABlake: did i ever show you my icarus poem?

JLowell: no

ABlake: you should write about this painting we saw in eng. ill send the link

JLowell: ok. i dont have any other ideas

ABlake: send me your poem when your done

JLowell: itll take me awhile

ABlake: thats ok but i want to see it


Sunday, April 27, 2003—8:54PM

Fly High

By Lowell Michaels

My dad taught me to fly high

Under the sun

And if I try

Above everyone

My dad flew high

But he wanted me

To higher fly

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It was his dream

We flew together

He showed me the sky

Son and father

He let me try

The sun was dear

I knew he knew

But his heart was too near

And so straight we flew

The feathers we wore

His golden, mine bronze

On the water they bore

The color not gone

Through clouds we pushed

Hand in hand, Wing to wing

Together not crushed

By way washing wind

He let me lead

I flew free with his trust

“Make use of your head”

Foolish was Icarus

Sunday, April 27, 2003—9:35 PM

IM


82


ABlake: i loved your poem. it made me cry

JLowell: thanks for the idea. it was easy to write

ABlake: didnt it make you sad

JLowell: yeah but it felt good to write about him

ABlake: you should keep writing

JLowell: maybe i will

ABlake: g2g

JLowell: me too


Wednesday, April 30, 2003—2:08 AM

Amanda’s Journal

I can’t sleep again. I’ve started re-reading Harry Potter like Lowell, and in The Chamber

of Secrets when Harry falls into Dumbledore’s memory, it hit me. No one saw Harry fall, but he

was safe. I’m just like Harry, not like Icarus, not like Joe. I’m still alive. Maybe it’s possible not

to be bound by the earthly reality of life and death—heaven and hell—or one’s singular

consciousness. Is that what Philip Pullman is talking about, or is it the collective unconscious? Is

that why I felt Lowell’s pain? What if it isn’t his pain I felt, but his memories? Have I fallen like

Icarus into Lowell’s thoughts? If I connect to his memories and take them on as my own, maybe

I can still help him? I know he pretends like everything’s fine, and some days it is, but I can tell

there are other days when he’s so sad he’s just trying to make it through the day.

It wasn’t the land of the dead. Joe isn’t in the land of the dead. That’s crazy, but maybe

he’s someplace else. Harry fell into the enchanted diary? I bet I just fell into Lowell’s writing,

into his poetry. I went into his mind and memories and felt his pain as deeply as him. If I can

83


connect with Lowell’s memories, I can still help him get through these tough days, then maybe it

will help me with mine—Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with Byron—Maybe it’s

Lowell’s grief that keeps bringing me down, or maybe it’s mine.

Sunday, May 4, 2003—9:51 PM

IM

EmJ24: signed on at 9:51

ABlake: wherev you been?

EmJ24: with alex. its different now

ABlake: why?

EmJ24: were closer. i finally realized that he really loves me

ABlake: i could have told you that

ABlake: im so jealous

EmJ24: of al?

ABlake: being in love. i don’t think i was in love with by

EmJ24: youll find someone

ABlake: someday

EmJ24: g2g

ABlake: bye


Thursday, May 8, 2003—10:43 PM

Amanda’s Journal

This is the best! Em’s in love, really in love. She’s not so upset about her mom or seeing

Al enough. Mom and Dad are home, and somehow I’m able to keep my wild moods from them.

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They were watching some movie when I ran upstairs during the night of my party. They’re so

used to Lowell being with me, they didn’t even notice how long we were up there. Now I feel

great, better than great. I don’t need to sleep, and I have all these ideas that come to me in the

middle of the night, so I get up and write.

Monday, May 12, 2003—11:41 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I was sitting in English today, half listening, thinking about Lowell and Joe, when we

read this poem, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.” It starts out, “Let us go then, you and I, /

When the evening is spread out against the sky.” There’s this guy—J. Alfred Prufrock who’s

afraid to take risks. All I could think about was Icarus flying too close to the sun. Maybe Icarus

just wanted to disturb the universe, see what was up there. He didn’t mean to crash. He didn’t

mean to die. And then I had this amazing idea. I wondered if I couldn’t go into the land of the

dead because Joe’s not there, but what if he’s waiting for me in the sky, waiting for me to bring

him home. Of course, I blew it off as another one of my crazy ideas, but I can’t seem to get it out

of my head.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003—5:45 PM

Outside Starbucks

Gina: What an amazing day.

Byron: This feels right.

Gina: Us together?

Byron: Yeah.

Gina: I never told you, but I liked you all last year, too.

Byron: And I liked Amanda.

85


Gina: You were totally infatuated. What happened between you?

Byron: I’m not sure. She’s so cute. She has this amazing brain and is really cool when she’s not

flying around with all her ideas.

Gina: What ideas?

Byron: I can’t really explain them. I’d talk to her about some scientific theory, and she’d spin it

into the fantasy about finding Lowell’s dad.

Gina: That’s weird. Does she still do that?

Byron: I haven’t talked to her since her party. Lowell told me she was pretty upset.

Gina: She doesn’t seem that way now. She’s in a great mood, always singing and chattering

during dance. Ms. James has to tell her to stop talking. She didn’t get one of the lead roles for the

performance, but she doesn’t seem to care anymore. She even talked to me during rehearsal

yesterday.

Byron: I’m glad.

Gina: Look. Isn’t that her walking into Starbucks? You should try and talk to her.

Byron: That’s okay. I’ll talk to her another time. I’d rather hang out with you.

Gina: Me, too.

Friday, May 16, 2003—3:13 AM

Amanda’s Journal

It’s three in the morning, and I woke up with the best idea! It’s amazing when I get this

jolt, usually around this time, and I have a vision or hear a song in my head. What if we can

disturb the universe and send e-mails to heaven. I mean that’s a bit nuts—don’t you think? But

why not? Cyberspace is just energy in the infinite emptiness of the universe isn’t it? Maybe the

e-mails go out there and connect to the energy of the past and the future—or maybe they get

sucked into the center of a black hole and form the singularity on the horizon—or maybe they

86


get through the wormhole to the other side. What am I talking about? It must have been that

Nova show. That’s when I began thinking I could reach Joe through in cyberspace by sending

him emails to [email protected]? I wonder what Lowell would say about that. Never mind—

He’d think I was crazy. A lot of my ideas seem really outrageous—but then again—there’s

always a possibility— isn’t there?

Saturday, May 17, 2003—2:35 PM

IM


ABlake: i have some ideas

JLowell: about what? you have so many

ABlake: im close

JLowell: to what?

ABlake: to my answers

JLowell: what are you talking about?

ABlake: your sad arent you?

JLowell: bad day

ABlake: i thought things were better

JLowell: some are better than others

ABlake: im coming over

JLowell: i have practice. ill call you later


Monday, May 19, 2003—2:35 AM

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E-Mail


From: ABlake @aol.com

Subject: Aha!

Hey Joe,

It’s 2 in the morning, but I don’t need to sleep at all these days. It’s so cool, and I have

this strange feeling you’ll get this letter. I keep having dreams about talking to you, so I thought

I’d write you an email instead. Have you ever read T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred

Prufrock?” It’s all about choosing whether or not to dare to disturb the universe. That’s when I

began to wonder if we could. You’re high in the sky, past the sun. What if I can bring you back?

Aha! That’s it. I have to disturb the universe by flying to heaven, and I can’t wait, can I? Eliot

also said, “For decisions and revisions that a minute will reverse.” I don’t have time. Prufrock

thinks there’s a minute, but I know that’s not true. Write me back. No. Send me a sign. I’ll be

waiting. Love, Manda


Cell Phone

Emily: Hey there.

Amanda: Hi.

Emily: Where were you today?

Amanda: I couldn’t get out of bed this morning.

Emily: What’d your mom say?

Amanda: I told her I had a headache, but it wasn’t that.

Emily: What was it?

Amanda: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like this when I wake up. Don’t worry about it.

Emily: You sure you’re okay?

88


Amanda: I’m fine. How was Lowell today?

Emily: Quiet.

Amanda: I wish his dad would come home and put a smile back on his face.

Emily: But he can’t come home. You know that, right?

Amanda: What if he could?

Emily: Manda! He’s dead.

Amanda: I know. I just get these crazy ideas sometimes. I have so much energy that I don’t need

to sleep very much, and then when I do, I dream about Lowell being reunited with his dad, and

then my mind just spins in a thousand directions.

Emily: Maybe you need to take some a sleeping pill.

Amanda: Okay, Mom. How’s Al?

Emily: You’re changing the subject, but good.

Amanda: I gotta go. I have to find out what the chem homework is. I’m gonna have to make up

the quiz I missed in math, and I forgot to study last night. I was so busy with everything.

Emily: With what?

Amanda: Bye.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003—11:52 PM

Amanda’s Journal

Up and down—Up and down—Why am I like this? One day I feel like I’m crawling on

the ground like a caterpillar about to spin its cocoon into the safety of sleep and inertia—and the

next day it’s like I could just spread my wings and soar as the butterfly emerging from the dark

—What? What was that? There I go with that strange poetic language, but I do feel better today!

Saturday, May 25, 200—3:53 PMIM

89



djAlex: hey

JLowell: you going to ginas party

djALex: later with em

JLowell: she seems really happy

djAlex: yeah things are good

djAlex: were close

JLowell: closer than before?

djAlex: yeah

djAlex: its gonna be hard being in scotland

JLowell: manda told me your performing at some festival

djAlex: and then im taking this acting class in london the rest of the summer

djAlex: i might be able to get into an acting school for senior year

JLowell: thats insane

djAlex: mr stark set it up for me

djAlex: he thinks i have real talent

JLowell: thats gonna be hard for you and em

djAlex: more for her

JLowell: have you told her?

djAlex: she knows about scotland

djAlex: not london

JLowell: when are you going to tell her?

djAlex: im afraid to

djAlex: things are pretty intense between us

90


JLowell: she talks about you all the time

djAlex: i know

djAlex: i love her but its not like well be together forever

djAlex: it would be ok to see other people if i stay there

djAlex: dont say anything

JLowell: i wont

djAlex: i have to find the right time

djAlex: what about you

JLowell: i cant date anyone right now

djAlex: not even manda?

JLowell: what?

djAlex: em thinks you guys are meant to be together

JLowell: lol

JLowell: shes like a sister

djAlex: you never know

JLowell: lol

djAlex: is manda coming to ginas?

JLowell: i dont know

JLowell: i havent seen her in a few days

djAlex: thats weird

JLowell: yeah

JLowell: ill call her later


91



Amanda’s Journal

Back to my ideas—Don’t you see it? Lowell—Joe—Icarus—planes—death—rising up

out of the ashes—the phoenix—That’s it! It’s all about rising out of the pain—How? Ashes—

Ashes of fire—Rising again—You’ll rise again Joe! You’ll be with us soon.


Cell Phone

Amanda: Hello

Lowell: Hey Manda. You okay?

Amanda: Sure.

Lowell: I haven’t seen you. Where’ve you been?

Amanda: I had a couple of bad days last week, but I’m great. Back to my energetic self… the

enthusiastic girl you know and love…You have to come to our dance recital next week. It’s

gonna be awesome. I wish I didn’t miss those try outs so I could have a lead part. You know I’m

one of the best dancers on the stage… but that’s okay. I wish Gina didn’t have such a big part. It

makes me so mad. I should have that part, and I should be the one going out with Byron. I can’t

believe he broke up with me for her, but then again I’m not sure we were really meant together.

I’m not sure who I’m meant to be with … Maybe I’ll find that person in the sky.

Lowell: Whoah! You sound like you’re on speed.

Amanda: What? Don’t you ever want to soar to the heavens to see what’s up there? How do you

know we can’t reach our dreams through the flight?

Lowell: What are you talking about?

92


Amanda: Can’t I just be happy? Happy for once rather than in this mire of grief and sadness

with my feet stuck to the ground inert with a heavy heart? I have purpose, vision, and goals. I

know what I’m going to do… after I find your dad.

Lowell: Find my dad? You’re not making any sense. What have you been doing?

Amanda: Didn’t I tell you? We went to look at colleges last weekend…down in the DC area.

Mom all of a sudden realized that everyone else looked at colleges over vacation, but they were

just home from Africa, and they’re going to be gone again next fall, so she thought we should

start now. We went to Uncle Peter’s 50th birthday party Friday night, and then we saw a whole

bunch of colleges. You know. Schools like Georgetown, George Washington, UVA, University

of Richmond… We went everywhere. It was amazing. I always thought I wanted to go to school

in New England, but there are so many other colleges. It was if I could see myself at each school,

and when they’d talk about a specific program, I had all these ideas about helping Mom and Dad

with their AIDS work. Did you know a bunch of them have overseas programs in South Africa.

That’s when I saw it… I saw my future right before me with college, foreign travel, working side

by side with Mom and Dad, saving the world. I think I could make a difference, Lowell. I really

do. I just have to be able to finish senior year with you and Em, and then I can go out into that

wide, wide world.

Lowell: Slow down. You’re talking too fast. I can’t follow you.

Amanda: Sorry. I gotta go. I have to finish my project. Talk to you later.

Lowell: Hang on… Amanda…


IM

EmJ24 signed on at 10:02 PM

JLowell: hey

93


EmJ24: whats up?

JLowell: have you talked to manda

EmJ24: not really

EmJ24: shes had dance rehearsals

JLowell: shes acting weird

EmJ24: lol

EmJ24: weirder than normal

JLowell: theres something wrong

EmJ24: what do you mean?

JLowell: you should have heard her on the phone

EmJ24: what was she saying?

JLowell: she didnt make any sense

EmJ24: shes not online

JLowell: call her

EmJ24: ok

JLowell: tell me what you think

EmJ24: im sure shes just nervous about her performance

JLowell: its not dance

EmJ24: brb

EnJ24 signed off at 10:14 PM


Cell Phone

Lowell: Hello.

94


Emily: Hey. She didn’t pick up. Do you think I should go over there?

Lowell: It’s late.

Emily: I’ll talk to her tomorrow.

Lowell: Meet me at lunch. You have English with her right before.

Emily: Okay. See ya.

Lowell: Bye.

Friday, May 30, 2003—2:07 AM

Amanda’s Journal

Spiritual life—look at the eyes when the eyes lock—Make it abstract. Where it begins—

Poets’ memories interspersed throughout the pieces of the other fragmented souls waiting to

come back—Always remembering—Always remembering—spiritual life encompasses the

memories and as they write themselves—the visions appear—Hang on—Don’t fear. I will come

for you and save you—save your pain—cure your pain—I have the power. I see it all so clearly.

I can fly through the skies, into the stratosphere—bring you back—bring you back—bring you

back—I’m coming for you. The cycle of birth, life and death—and birth again—The phoenix

rises again—out of the ashes—To bring you back to the birth— Here I fly to you—

Friday, May 30, 2003—12:35 PM

The Lunchroom

Emily: Hey.

Lowell: There you are. Have you talked to Manda?

Emily: She’s not here today.

Lowell: Do you know where she is? I tried her cell, but she didn’t answer.

Emily: I’ve never seen you this worried about her.

95


Lowell: Something’s wrong. She hasn’t been herself. I can’t always follow what she’s talking

about. It’s like her brain is on overdrive or something.

Emily: What about her parents?

Lowell: We can’t call them. Manda’d kill us.

Emily: We have to do something. Oh good. There’s Al.

Alex: What’s wrong?

Lowell: Manda’s acting weird.

Alex: So… she always acts weird.

Emily: No Al. This is serious. Lowell was talking to her on the phone last night, and she was

saying all sorts of strange things. Tell him Lowell.

Lowell: It wasn’t what she was saying. It was more the way she was talking. She didn’t even

take a breath between sentences, and she was jumping all over the place with her ideas.

Alex: Hang on. I’m working on this research paper for psych. It’s on creativity. You guys aren’t

taking it this semester, are you?

Lowell: No. I’m in the government seminar. Why?

Alex: I think I know what’s wrong with Manda.

Lowell: What?

Alex: I’m studying these different theories on creativity. I read something about the connection

between bipolar disorder and creativity.

Emily: What’s bipolar disorder?

Alex: It’s also called manic-depression. It’s when people go back and forth between depression

and mania.

96


Emily: Manda was really depressed after your dad died.

Lowell: I know. She was taking Prozac for awhile.

Emily: She never told me that. Did she see a doctor?

Lowell: No. I … um… I gave her mine. It seemed to help.

Emily: You gave her medication without seeing a doctor?

Lowell: I knew it was a bad idea. The Prozac didn’t work for me so I gave it to her. She’s not

taking it anymore.

Alex: Are you sure?

Lowell: No. Why?

Alex: Amanda might be manic.

Emily: What’s that?

Alex: It’s when people think and talk really fast… Hang on… Let me get one of the books I’ve

been reading.

Emily: Lowell, you knew something was wrong with her.

Lowell: I should have done something. I should have told her mom.

Emily: What would you have said?

Lowell: I don’t know.

Alex: Listen to this. Kay Jamison, the author, has bipolar disorder and she wrote about it. In the

beginning it’s called hypomania. She says, “At first, everything seemed so easy…I raced

about…bubbling with plans and enthusiasms, immersed in sports, and staying up all night, night

after night…”

Emily: Oh my God. Isn’t that what Manda was doing?

Alex: Wait. There’s more. “I was reading everything that wasn’t nailed down, filling manuscript

97


books with poems and fragments of plays… The world was filled with pleasure and promise; I

felt great.”

Lowell: Manda said she felt great most of the time.

Emily: That’s what you said, Lowell. She talked about all that weird stuff.

Lowell: Slow down. You’re beginning to talk as fast as she does.

Alex: And fast-talking is one of the symptoms, as well as making all these connections.

Lowell: She makes connections all the time. I always thought it was just her… You know when

she gets into her intellectual, brainy mode…She’s always done that.

Friday, May 30, 2003—12:39 PM

E-Mail



Subject: Let us go then

Dear Joe,

“Let us go then, you and I.” You are still here with us— through me—bring you back—

to the light— I will fly to you. “Oh, do not ask, ‘What is it?’ Let us go and make our visit.”

Friday, May 30, 2003—12:42 PM

The Lunch Room

Alex: Here’s another quote, “The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and

you follow them until you find better and brighter ones.”

Emily: That’s how she is. Her ideas are all tied together. It didn’t always make sense.

Lowell: She did that once when she was helping me with a paper. I bet I still have that email.

Alex: Do you think she has other writing?

Lowell: They’d be on her computer.

98


Alex: How are we going to find them?

Lowell: I can get into her email account. I think I have her password…Hang on.

Emily: Oh my God. Look at these!

Alex: What are they?

Lowell: Returned e-mails.

Emily: What’s heaven.unv? What is she doing?

Lowell: Look. Here’s one to my dad in heaven.

Emily: Look at this one. She wrote it today. Where is she?

Friday, May 30, 2003—12:43 PM

E-Mail



Subject: Patience

Dear Mr. Eliot,

it takes patience—charity—forgiveness and forgiveness and forgiveness to heal the pain— the

pain— the unbearable pain—just let go— let go— let go— out—out—out— break—break—

break—go get him—bring him back to end the pain— they all must feel it—disturb it—you can

go—you know you can reach out—fly out—let us go then you and i—it’s time— it’s time—it’s

time—

Friday, May 30, 2003—12:46 PM

The Lunch Room

Emily: I’m scared. What do we do?

Alex: She needs help.

Emily: Where is she?

99



Alex: We have to find her. I didn’t read the part about what happens when you begin to come out

of mania. Listen to this: “But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there

are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption

on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern.”

Lowell: She’s not answering her cell.

Emily: Oh my God. Read this email. She thinks she can fly. We have to call her mom.

Friday, May 30, 2003—12:48 PM

E-mail



Subject: its time

its so clear to me now—it’s time to fly—where else do i go to take flight than the

pinnacle of transcendence—into the universe—the universe that is infinitely open to us—waiting

for us—but i cannot wait for the others—like a bird in flight—im ready to fly to you—taken by

the sky—ill be there soon!

Friday, May 30, 2003—12:51 PM

The Lunch Room

Emily: Did you talk to Manda’s mom?

Lowell: I left a message.

Alex: Em… It’s okay. Don’t cry. She’s gonna be okay.

Lowell: If anything happens to her…

Emily: It’s all our fault.

100


Alex: We can’t blame ourselves… Most people can hide it really well… That’s why it goes

undiagnosed.

Lowell: Hang on. Hello… Hi, Mrs. Blake. This is Lowell…. Em and Al are here, too.

Mrs. Blake: Are you alright? What’s wrong?

Lowell: No. I’m fine, but Manda’s in trouble…Hold on a sec. Let me put you on speaker

phone… We think Manda’s in mania.

Mrs. Blake: What do you mean mania? Is she there with you?

Emily: Hi, Mrs. Blake. It’s me, Emily. She’s not at school today. She’s not answering her cell.

Mrs. Blake: Where is she?

Emily: We don’t know.

Mrs. Blake: She seemed so happy.

Emily: I know. She was really excited about everything. She had all these wild ideas and thought

she could stop Lowell’s grief.

Mrs. Blake: What do you mean? What does this have to do with mania?

Alex: I’ve been reading these books about creativity and mania which is how I figured it out…

Emily: That was Alex…We think she’s going to do something really dangerous. She wrote these

really bizarre emails.

Lowell: We printed some of them out. She was really into Thoreau’s images of Icarus. Listen to

this: “We stand on the summit of our hour as if we had descended on eagle’s wings…We shall

not want a foothold, but wings will sprout from our shoulders…”

Emily: Right, and she keeps talking about flying to heaven. She wrote about singing and

dancing, and listen to what she wrote, “I can move quickly like a meteor waiting to fly into the

sky. I am Icarus. I can soar and reach the sun, transcending it to the stars and planets. I’m

invincible.”

101


Friday, May 30, 2003—1:00 PM

The Bell Tower

Amanda: It’s a sign! The bells! They’re chiming!

Laughs, fun, and frolic

Heartache, pain, and tears

Always alive, breathing

Feeling the fullness of emotion

Letting go—gradually

Life for Life

How does it all connect?

Then and Now

From Now On

From on Now

On Now From

Where do we go from here?

Not the only one

Searching intensely for

Meaning in the pool of life

How do we make it?

Make sense to me, please

Ineluctable spirit

Why are you in this?

To make it better

All of it!

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:07 PM

102


The Lunch Room

Lowell: We didn’t know what she was doing until we went into her files. Her e-mails are

confusing. We can’t really understand them, but they’re about going into the land of the dead,

disturbing the universe, and flying to my dad in heaven.

Emily: She made sense for a while, but then she was different. We thought something was

wrong, but not bipolar disorder. We didn’t even know what it was until Alex found out about it.

Alex: Em…Read her what I underlined in the book.

Lowell: Al’s doing this research.

Alex: This is what the book says happens when things get bad, “Everything previously moving

with the grain is not against – you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed

totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never

end, for madness carves its own reality.”

Lowell: That’s why we’re afraid.

Mrs. Blake: You have to find her. I’m coming home right now, but I’m over half an hour away.

Do you have a car?

Alex: Mine’s here at school.

Mrs. Blake: Think hard. Where would she go? I’m going now. Please call my cell phone when

you find her.

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:18 PM

The Bell Tower

Amanda:

Keep your feet

Grounded.

Don’t go

Don’t go

103


Don’t go

Let’s go

Let’s go

Let us go then,

you and I

I’m ready

Ready to dare

Ready to disturb

the universe

Its time

Its time

Its time

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:20 PM

The Lunch Room

Alex: Where is she?

Emily: She wrote about communing with the dead in the cosmos. She’s going to get Lowell’s

dad and bring him back. It makes no sense… Where would she go?

Lowell: She wants to fly…

Emily: Above Concord in her dreams?

Lowell: That’s it! She’s at First Parish. That’s where she talks to him.

Eliot: Who?

Lowell: Thoreau. She’s obsessed with his poem about Icarus. She’s going to the Bell Tower.

Emily: You don’t think she’d really go up there, do you?

104


Lowell: We went on a tour when we were kids in Sunday school. Quick. Call Mrs. Blake. Tell

her we’ll meet her there.

Emily: Where’s your car?

Alex: Back lot. Let’s go.

Emily: We have class. What should we do?

Lowell: Cut. We’ll explain later.

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:27 PM

The Bell Tower

Emily: Let Lowell out of the car! Do you know how to get up there?

Lowell: Yeah, but she does too.

Emily: Be careful. We’ll wait down here.

Lowell: Maaaaanda. Can you hear me?

Amanda: Oh Lowell. I’m so glad you’re here! It’s time.

Lowell: No… Wait! What the hell are you doing?! You’re gonna kill yourself!

Amanda: Just let go…let go…let go…out…out…out!

Lowell: Come down from there!

Amanda: Disturb it…We’re going to disturb it…Just like Icarus…

Lowell: Stop! Listen to me! You have to get down from there!

Amanda: Are you coming with me?

Lowell: Uh… Yeah… Hang on!

Amanda: I don’t have much time. You dad’s calling…It’s time!

Lowell: Wait… Uh…Wait. How’d you get up there?

Amanda: I flew. Fly to me…Fly to me…

Lowell: Wait for me!

105


Amanda: Hurry. It’s time to go. Let us go.

Lowell: Hang on!

Amanda: Are you coming? It’s time.

Lowell: No! Don’t go! Not yet!

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:36 PM

Underneath the Bell Tower on the Street

Alex: Look Em. There’s a fire truck.

Emily: Thank God! Mrs. Blake must have called them.

Alex: I hope Lowell can stop her in time.

Emily: How did this happen?

Alex: I don’t know. I wish we’d seen it coming.

Emily: We should have.

Alex: Over here. She’s in the Bell Tower. Up there!

Emily: Please hurry. She thinks she can fly!

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:44 PM

The Bell Tower

Amanda: Are you coming?

Lowell: Yeah. Just hang on. Okay?

Amanda: Let us go then you and I…

Lowell: Yeah. Grab my hand!

Amanda: No. I can’t come down. I’m going up. I’m going to fly. You’ll see…

Lowell: Wait for me… Um…Oh shit…What am I gonna do?

Amanda: Come on. I’ll pull you up.

106


Lowell: Here. Grab my hands.

Amanda: No hands! I’ll fall and I want to fly. I see it. I see the stairway to the sky. I can ascend

to the heavens. It’s right there for me… for you and me.

Lowell: God damn! How’m I gonna do this? Manda…I have a better idea.

Amanda: What? Hurry for there is no time for indecision.

Lowell: We can fly… We need wings. Yeah… That’s right… I’ll get you some wings.

Amanda: What? No Lowell. I already have them. You just can’t see them… but they’re here.

Your dad will keep me safe. He’s waiting for us. Come with me…

Lowell: Wait.... I’ll come… but I have to get up there. Give me your hands…

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:48 PM


Emily: What’s happening up there?

Eliot: I don’t know, but the fire truck is near the tower.

Emily: Can you see her?

Eliot: Yeah… She’s weaving… like she’s going to fall.

Emily: I can’t look.

Eliot: He’ll get her down.

Emily: He can’t lose her, too.

Eliot: Don’t think that way. She won’t fall.

Emily: What’s happening?

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:53 PM

The Bell Tower

Amanda: Wait! Lowell. You’re pulling me down. Let go.

Lowell: Hang on Amanda… Come on. I’ll hold you. I’ll fly with you.

107


Amanda: But we’re falling Lowell. Let go of me. I’m falling. I want to fly. Let go.

Lowell: There! I got you.

Amanda: Let go of me! I have to go back up there. I need to fly.

Lowell: No. You don’t.

Friday, May 30, 2003—1:59 PM


Amanda: What are they doing here? Lowell….Why are they here? Let go of me… Let go of

me…How could you do this to me! You betrayed me… and all I wanted to do was get your dad

for you… I did it for you… I hate you, Lowell Michaels… I hate you!

Lowell: I’m sorry. I had to. I care about you too much to let you die. I can’t lose you, too.

Amanda: I hate you!!

Lowell: You got here in time! I couldn’t hold onto her much longer.

Emily: Oh my God, Lowell. You saved her! You saved her!

Alex: Just in time. Listen to the bells in the tower.

Friday, May 31, 2003—3:04 PM

Emily’s House

Emily’s Mom: What happened to Amanda?

Emily: They had to restrain her.

Alex: She was psychotic.

Emily: What a mess.

Lowell: I was so scared.

Alex: She was out of her mind.

Lowell: She said she hated me.

108


Emily: She doesn’t.

Alex: They drugged her.

Emily: How did you talk her down?

Lowell: It was really intense.

Alex: I can’t believe she’s at a mental hospital.

Emily: You saved her life.

Lowell: The firemen would have reached her.

Emily: Not without your help.

Alex: How long will she be there?

Emily: Will she come out of this?

Lowell: I can’t lose her, too.

Friday, May 31, 2003—3:23 PM

McLeans Hospital

Dr. Stiles: Mr. and Mrs. Blake? I’m Dr. Susan Stiles.

Mr. Blake: How is she?

Mrs. Blake: What’s wrong with Amanda?

Dr. Stiles: Amanda appears to be in a delusional mania. It’s a symptom of bipolar disorder, but

we’ll know more after we finish evaluating her.

Mrs. Blake: How did this happen?

Mr. Blake: Can you tell us more? We don’t know much about bipolar disorder.

Dr. Stiles: There are different definitions for bipolar disorder. We are still learning about it,

especially as it manifests itself in children and teenagers. I have some excellent reading material

for you, but briefly it’s a psychiatric disorder where the patient vacillates between high and low

moods. In its extreme state the highs can become a psychotic or delusional mania.

109


Mrs. Blake: This sounds so serious. Will she get better?

Dr. Stiles: It’s treatable with medication, psychotherapy, and healthy living habits. Many are

able to manage the illness if they stay on their medication. We’ll admit her to bring her down

from her mania and start her on an anti-psychotic medication with a mood stabilizer.

Mrs. Blake: How did this happen? Why didn’t we see it? Did we cause it by going to South

Africa?

Dr. Stiles: No. In most cases it’s a genetic predisposition that gets triggered. We’ve discovered

that Amanda was taking Prozac without a doctor’s prescription which most likely contributed ot

this manic episode. It can trigger a mania if the person has bipolar disorder. It is often

misdiagnosed as a unipolar anxiety or depression.

Mrs. Blake: We didn’t even know how depressed she was.

Dr. Stiles: People who have bipolar disorder with depressed symptoms are often put on anti-

depressants like Prozac with a mood stabilizer. Lithium or Depakote are the most common, but

there are several new drugs, too.

Mrs. Blake: I can’t believe we didn’t see it when we came home.

Dr. Stiles: Many teenagers are able to hide it from their parents. You’re lucky she didn’t hurt

herself. We find that many teens who commit suicide are undiagnosed with this illness.

Mr. Blake: Here’s a Kleenex dear.

Mrs. Blake: I don’t mean to cry, but this is just so much to take in. What could we have done?

We never should have left her alone when we went to Africa. Oh, it’s all our fault.

Dr. Stiles: No. It’s not your fault. It’s not unusual for bipolar disorder to be misdiagnosed when

the patient has had a major depressive episode without the mania. Unfortunately this happens

more than it should.

Mr. Blake: Will she recover?

110


Mrs. Blake: How long does she have to be here?

Dr. Stiles: Once she begins to respond to the medication, she can return home with you.

Mrs. Blake: How long will that take?

Dr. Stiles: I’m not sure. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Mrs. Blake: So what do we do? How do we help her?

Dr. Stiles: She must stay on her medication. That’s the most important part of recovery. We’ll

have her join a support group and go to therapy once a week. She needs to sleep, eat well and

maintain a consistent routine. She needs to know how serious this is. Many teenagers don’t stay

on their medication and turn to drugs and alcohol. As long as she follows our recommended

routine, I believe we can stabilize her. You must stress the importance of this to her.

Mrs. Blake: She’ll listen to us.

Mr. Blake: She has to.

Mrs. Blake: How long is this going to take?

Dr. Stiles: It may take a few months because a psychotic manic episode is often followed by a

major depression. We will treat it aggressively, but you should prepare for the possibility of a

prolonged depression this summer.

Mrs. Blake: What about school? She has finals soon.

Dr. Stiles: I don’t think she’ll be able to go back to school. She will most likely have to do some

make up work over the summer, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Our first priority is to

stabilize her.

Mrs. Blake: Can we see her?

Dr. Stiles: She’s been sedated. She probably won’t wake up for several hours. I’ll take you to

her room.

111


Monday, June 2, 200—11:03 AM

Amanda’s Journal

Write? Write, Dr. Stiles says? I’m so confused with all these thoughts swirling around in

my head, and they said to write it down—It would help—How can it help? They don’t

understand—It’s dark—dark and cold—dark and cold without hope —the hope I can neither feel

nor see. I can’t hold on much longer—Holding on is too hard—Fear and sadness spins and

circles in my thoughts—Nothing is soothing anymore, nor comforting to my harried heart. I’m

on the edge. How much longer can I survive? Hold on—I’m holding onto the edge about to fall.

Tuesday, June 3, 2003—7:23 PM

IM

djAlex: hows manda?

EmJ24: her mom said shes coming out of the mania

djAlex: have you seen her?

EmJ24: not yet

djAlex: she could have died

EmJ24: dont remind me

djAlex: when can we see her?

EmJ24: i dont know

EmJ24: lowell was going tonight

djAlex: how longs she gonna be there?

EmJ24: not too long

EmJ24: just til they stabilize her

djAlex: you ok?

EmJ24: i cant believe your leaving

112


djAlex: it could be all next year

EmJ24: im really happy for you but

djAlex: we have to talk

EmJ24: i cant think about that now

djAlex: but we should

EmJ24: you dont leave til schools out

djAlex: and you go to camp

djAlex: long distance relationships are hard

EmJ24: well be fine

djAlex: we have to talk later



Amanda’s Hospital Room

Lowell: Hi.

Amanda: Hi.

Lowell: How do you feel?

Amanda: Drugged… Fuzzy…Foggy.

Lowell: They say you’ll be okay.

Amanda: They gave me drugs to sleep. I can’t think.

Lowell: That’s how I felt after Dad died.

Amanda: Will it get better?

Lowell: Yeah. Some days are harder than others.

Amanda: I’m so confused. I think it’s the drugs.

113


Lowell: You should sleep.

Amanda: Will you promise to stay until I fall asleep?

Lowell: I promise.

Thursday, June 5, 2003—8:43 PM

Amanda’s Journal

Is this the crash after the high? I don’t like it. They keep saying I’ll get better, but what if

I sink lower, into that black hole, that empty abyss that’s pulling me downward. I don’t want to

live like this. They say I have to endure the pain, wait for it to stop hurting so much, but what if

it doesn’t? What if I’m always going to feel like this with this suffocating feeling of fear choking

my future right out of me? I can’t keep writing. It’s too depressing.

Saturday, June 6, 2003—11:42 AM

Amanda’s Hospital Room

Lowell: How are you?

Amanda: Crappy. You?

Lowell: Okay. I’m playing lots of soccer.

Amanda: Does it help?

Lowell: Most of the time, but Dad was always at my games. Sometimes I think I hear him

cheering for me, and then I remember. That’s the worst.

Amanda: I’m sorry.

Lowell: But other times playing soccer helps me forget. It keeps me from thinking.

Amanda: Or does it keep you from feeling? I want to stop feeling.

Lowell: Yeah. It’s the feeling that’s hard.

Amanda: I hope it gets better soon.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003—11:27 AM

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Amanda’s Journal

I couldn’t believe it when they said I could go home. I don’t feel any better, almost worse,

but they said I wasn’t psychotic anymore. In some strange way it felt safer in the hospital. There

was a routine. Now, I’m just here. The medicine still isn’t working, and the ache is almost

unbearable. I can’t think. I can barely get dressed? The only thing that helps is watching Friends

and writing in this journal.


IM

djAlex: didya talk to manda today

EmJ24: yeah but i still havent seen her

djAlex: when can she go home?

EmJ24: shes home

djAlex: em

EmJ24: al

djAlex: i want to talk about this

EmJ24: why do we have to talk about it?

djAlex: cuz what if you meet someone else

EmJ24: im not gonna meet anyone

EmJ24: your the one going away

djAlex: so what if i meet someone?

EmJ24: do you wanna break up

djAlex: idk

EmJ24: but you want to be free to date

djAlex: only if

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djAlex: idk

djAlex: its really awkward

EmJ24: is that why were on im?

djAlex: its easier

EmJ24: yeah

djAlex: but im gonna come over so we can talk

EmJ24: ok

djELiot signed off at 2:34 PM

Sunday, June 15, 200—11:27 AM

Amanda’s Journal

I have to make up the work over the summer and take my exams. Ergh! What if this ruins

everything I’ve worked so hard for! Mom said I should at least try to go to Lowell’s

championship game today. If I can just get dressed and into the car. Come on Amanda! You can

do it! You know it’s the only way you’re going to get better. Please let the medicine start

working.

Sunday, June 15, 2003—12:38 PM

IM


EmJ24: hey

ABlake: hey

EmJ24: how are you?

ABlake: not so great

ABlake: im trying to go to lowells game

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EmJ24: i wish i could come but im at dads

ABlake: im such a bad friend

EmJ24: how can you say that after what youve been through

ABlake: i still dont understand what happened

EmJ24: it was so scary

EmJ24: we really thought you were going to die

ABlake: i was so crazy

ABlake: i wish you didnt have to go to camp

ABlake: when do you leave?

EmJ24: next sat

EmJ24: the day after exams

ABlake: ill miss you so much

EmJ24: ill write

ABlake: whats up with alex?

ABlake: i heard hes going to scotland

EmJ24: and london after that

ABlake: what are you going to do?

EmJ24: we agreed to see other people

ABlake: omg

ABlake: that stinks

EmJ24: yeah

EmJ24: i didnt want to

ABlake: you ok?

EmJ24: yeah

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ABlake: sorry

ABlake: g2g

ABlake: lowells game

EmJ24: ttyl

ABlake: bye


Sunday, June 15, 200—11:35 AM

Lowell’s Journal

My Dream

Joy and happiness endure my dream

One for One, a compatible team

And sometimes you seem, to be somewhat keen

But I know it’s only to help me; my dream.

“Hard work and pain,” will some day pay

And good I might, the best I may

Practice, practice, endless play

Your pressure will serve and pay off in some way.

Those extra ten minutes, “Left and right, left and right,”

Have made such a difference, expressed passion and fight

And now thinking back, remembrance, delight

I thank you, my father; you helped me dream, so bright.


Soccer Field

Amanda: They dedicated the game to your dad.

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Lowell: Yeah. For Father’s Day.

Amanda: They should have read that poem you wrote. The one about your dad and soccer.

Lowell: I found it this morning.

Amanda: See. Telepathy.

Lowell: Yeah. I can’t believe I wrote it before he died.

Amanda: You guys have to win.

Lowell: I hope so.

Amanda: I’m rooting for you.


Soccer Field

Amanda: Oh my God! He missed the kick!


IM


ABlake: can you sleep?

JLowell: no

ABlake: me neither

ABlake: im sorry about the game

JLowell: its ok

ABlake: no its not

ABlake: you didnt talk the whole way home

JLowell: why arent you sleeping?

JLowell: they said you have to sleep

ABlake: i cant

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ABlake: i slept all afternoon after your game

JLowell: i still do that

ABlake: its scarier at night

JLowell: its lonelier too

ABlake: it hurts too much to be alone

JLowell: thats the worst part

JLowell: feeling alone

ABlake: but were not

JLowell: we have each other

ABlake: can you try and sleep?

JLowell: can you?

ABlake: ill try

JLowell: ill keep my cell on

ABlake: k

ABlake: i want to see you

JLowell: come over after school

JLowell: im gonna sleep

ABlake: me too

JLowell: gnight

ABlake: night

Jlowell signed off at 2:02 AM

JLowell signed on at 2:25 AM

JLowell signed off at 3:04 AM

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Monday, June 16, 2003—5:32 PM

Lowell’s Room

Amanda: I like it here. It’s dark and safe.

Lowell: Don’t you want me to turn on the lights?

Amanda: No. Just let me lie here on the floor with my iPod.

Lowell: I have to write my paper for English.

Amanda: I’m so glad Dr. Stiles said I couldn’t go back to school. I can’t think.

Lowell: I couldn’t think after Dad died either.

Amanda: But you went back to school. Why can’t I? What if I can’t take my finals this

summer? Will I be able to start senior year? What am I going to do? What happened to my

brain?

Lowell: Your brain got scrambled. It’s going to take time for you to feel normal again.

Amanda: How do you know? What if it’s never the same?

Lowell: It will be. You’re strong.

Amanda: You have to write your paper. Just pretend I’m not here. Can you see your computer?

Lowell: Yeah.

The Penalty Kick.

By J. Lowell Michaels

A Penalty Kick. 12 yards away from the goal. Only the goalie, myself, and the ball. I

knew how easy it was to score. How easy it was to take the trophy, the pride, and the game. Or

so I thought. I’ve played soccer for years, touched a ball millions of times, scored hundreds of

goals, but that hot day in June, Father’s Day, it mattered the most. It was my life. My future,

past and present came together in that one moment. I had the chance to win the game for my

team, Dad, and me. Beeeep! The whistle rang in my ears as I calmly, without any worry or

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nervousness, strode up to the ball. I felt inclined to score when I stepped up to kick the ball, like

so many times before. Whack! That beautiful sound your foot makes when you strike the ball

perfectly. Clang! The ugly, revolting sound of the ball against the metal. There was still hope

that it would bounce in. We always have to have hope, but it wouldn’t hurt to fall if we didn’t

hope. There would be no opposition to success if we did not hope. There would be no sadness or

regret if we did not hope. But that was the hope that left my heart when the ball hit

the bar, the hope that left my heart when my dad died, the hope that tears us apart when we hope

to succeed. Because when we hope too much we fall too far.

Miss.

Hope-

Less.

Lowell: There. I’m done.

Amanda: Can I read it?

Lowell: Hang on. Let me print it.

…….

Lowell: Don’t cry. It’s okay.

Amanda: Life is so hopeless. I hate this.

Lowell: Come here.

Amanda: Tell me this will get better.

Lowell: We’ll get through this.

Amanda: Don’t let go. Just keep holding me.


IM

EmJ24: signed on at 7:47 PM

122


ABlake: hey

EmJ24: hey

ABlake: hows lowell

EmJ24: i heard about the game

EmJ24: he didnt seem the same today

ABlake: hes really sad

ABlake: i wish i could be at school with him

EmJ24: what are you going to do about exams?

ABlake: take them this summer

ABlake: i hope

EmJ24: sorry

EmJ24: g2g

EmJ24: study session

Amber: cya

EmJ24: bye


Wednesday, June 18, 2003—8:26PM

Amanda’s Journal

I couldn’t drag myself out of bed today, not even to go to Lowell’s. I hate this! Mom’s

worried. I’m worried.


Lowell’s Room

Amanda: It’s the game, isn’t it?

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Lowell: Yeah.

Amanda: You can’t blame yourself for missing that kick. You were under so much pressure.

Lowell: I know, but I thought everything would be okay if we won the game. I feel like I let him

down.

Amanda: That’s crazy. You can’t think like that. Most people wouldn’t even be able to play

anymore.

Lowell: I have to play.

Amanda: I know.

Saturday, June 21, 200—4:21 PM

Lowell’s Room

Lowell: What are these?

Amanda: Books I got from Dr. Stiles today. They’re on bipolar disorder.

Lowell: How many do you have?

Amanda: A lot. Can you believe how many there are?

Lowell: That’s the one Alex had when we figured it out?

Amanda: The Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison? It’s almost as if she’s writing about me. Listen to

this, “Mania itself rarely kills – and, when it does, it is usually because a patient has acted on a

delusional belief that he or she can fly!”

Lowell: That’s you.

Amanda: I know. I can’t believe other people have tried the same thing.

Lowell: Is that from the same book?

Amanda: No. It’s another one by Kay Jamison called Night Falls Fast. It’s about suicide. I

didn’t want to commit suicide, did I?

Lowell: No. You just wanted to find my dad.

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Amanda: Can I read you something else?

Lowell: Sure.

Amanda: “Manic-depressive illness usually strikes young, not uncommonly during the college

years, and not uncommonly in the apparently invincible—the outgoing, the energetic, the

academically successful.” That sounds like me, too. At least the person I was in front of

everyone else.

Lowell: We should have known.

Amanda: They say people don’t see it. I’m supposed to be one of the lucky ones, but I don’t feel

so lucky right now.

Lowell: Maybe you should stop reading. Let’s go down to Starbucks.

Amanda: Okay. I think I can manage to walk a couple of blocks. A frappucino sounds good.

Monday, June 23, 2003—8:43 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I HATE THE GROUP! I HATE THE GROUP! I HATE THE GROUP! I HATE THE

GROUP! Dr. Stiles says I have to stay with the group for now. It was one of the conditions of

letting me out of the hospital, but I hate hearing about other people’s problems. I have enough of

my own without getting bummed out about everyone else. I feel so different from them. I’m not

angry. I don’t punch walls. I don’t do drugs or sleep around. I don’t shoplift, and I swear I’m not

going to drink anymore. I’m not even mad I have to take meds. I just want to get better.


IM

EmJ24: signed on at 8:52 PM

ABlake: hey

EmJ24: hey

125


ABlake: how was the chem exam

EmJ24: hard

EmJ24: you were smart to wait

ABlake: i couldnt do chem right now

ABlake: how are things with al

EmJ24: tense

ABlake: sorry

EmJ24: we both leave sat

ABlake: im gonna miss you

EmJ24: ill write

EmJ24: i have to study

ABlake: call me later

EmJ24: i will

EmJ24: bye

ABlake: bye



Amanda’s Journal

I’m getting so sick of therapy. I don’t think it’s helping. Nothing’s helping—except being

with Lowell cause he’s going through the same thing. Well, that’s what I thought until I read this

book called Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. He said, “Grief is in proportion to

circumstance; depression is grief out of proportion to circumstance.” That makes so much sense.

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Lowell has every reason in the world to be sad, while I have none—none except that my brain

needs rewiring.


Lowell’s Room

Amanda: Aren’t you psyched exams are over.

Lowell: Yeah. But now I have time to think.

Amanda: And time to read the new Harry Potter. What’s it called?

Lowell: The Order of the Phoenix.

Amanda: It gives me chills. I talked about the Phoenix rising from the ashes when I was manic.

Lowell: You’ve always connected everything you read.

Amanda: I know but the Phoenix rising from the dead…flying to heaven like Icarus? I really

thought I could bring your dad home. I was out of my mind.

Lowell: Stop thinking about it.

Amanda: I can’t help it. I keep replaying all those crazy things in my mind.

Lowell: Didn’t you say you were going to take a nap? Go to sleep. You’ll feel better.

…..

Amanda: How long have I been asleep?

Lowell: A couple of hours.

Amanda: Really? I had the strangest dream. We were in that fog again, but I knew you were

with me. You’ll stay with me, right?

Lowell: Yeah. I’ll stay.

Amanda: Promise?

Lowell: Promise.

127


Tuesday, July 1, 2003—1:28 AM

Amanda’s Journal

I can't sleep. It's probably because I slept all day. I wish there was something that helped,

but the only thing I feel like doing these days is lying on Lowell’s floor with my iPod and

sleeping. We don't have to talk. Sometimes it's better that way because what do we have to talk

about? Before this depression I talked all the time—non-stop. Now I can't get the words out. I

can write in my journal—but words seem to get caught in my throat. That's why it's so easy to be

with Lowell. He’s never been much of a talker, so he doesn’t expect me to talk about my feelings

the way everyone else does. I feel numb inside, and I like it. If I can't feel normal, then I want

to feel numb.

Thursday, July 3, 2003—1:36 PM

Lowell’s Room

Amanda: What’s wrong?

Lowell: I can’t read anymore. It’s too dark.

Amanda: What is?

Lowell: Harry’s world. His life is falling apart, and he’s so angry.

Amanda: Don’t tell me anymore! I want to read it after you.

Lowell: What would happen if I couldn’t play soccer? What would I do?

Amanda: You mean if you got hurt?

Lowell: Or if I didn’t make the team?

Amanda: What are you talking about? You’re the captain next year.

Lowell: No. In college.

Amanda: That’s crazy! Soccer’s your life. You’ll play wherever you go.

128


Lowell: But what if I couldn’t play? Soccer’s the only thing that makes me happy. It’s the only

thing that helps.

Amanda: You mean helps with your dad?

Lowell: Yeah.

Amanda: There’s gotta be something else.

Lowell: Like what?

Amanda: I don’t know. You love reading Harry Potter, don’t you?

Lowell: Not this time. It’s too depressing.

Amanda: You’re not even halfway yet. Keep reading. You know Harry has to triumph in the

end.

Lowell: I don’t know if he’s going to this time.

Friday, July 4, 2003—11:09 AM

Amanda’s Journal

We actually had fun tonight. Lowell and I ventured into the real world to celebrate the 4th

of July. We saw a whole bunch of people from school at the park, and Lowell even entered the

pie-eating contest. I think it was mostly whipped cream, but he had it all over his face, and he

was laughing. So was I. Maybe it won’t last, but for one fleeting moment, I think we both felt

better. After that we went up on this hill in Sleepy Hollow and watched the fireworks. It was

pretty cool lying on the soft grass in the hot balmy night talking about the stars and heaven again.

I think Lowell felt his dad while we gazed into the sky. I did too. Not in a manic way either, just

a quiet and peaceful one.

Saturday, July 5, 2003—5:26PM

Amanda’s Journal

Wow! I woke up feeling a little bit better today. Maybe I’m going to be okay.

129


Sunday, July 6, 2003—10:35 AM

Amanda’s Kitchen

Mrs. Blake: Why don’t you come to church with us today?

Amanda: I don’t know. I’m sorta mad at God.

Mrs. Blake: I understand.

Amanda: You do?

Mrs. Blake: You’ve been through a horrible ordeal, sweetie.

Amanda: Sometimes I feel okay, and then the next day, I have that pit in my stomach again, and

I’m afraid to get out of bed. I actually felt okay yesterday, but I don’t feel so good today.

Mrs. Blake: You are getting better. Dad and I see it. Dr. Stiles said it would be like this.

Amanda: What am I going to do when you go back to South Africa? You’re not going to make

me go with you, are you?

Mrs. Blake: We’re not going. Not unless we make progress with the government about the drug

treatment. We can do the work from here, and it’s more important to be here with you.

Amanda: But what if you have to go back? What if the government agrees to the drugs? You’ve

always said you’d have to be there.

Mrs. Blake: Let’s not worry about that now. Things aren’t looking too good. Let’s just focus on

getting you well enough to take your exams.

Amanda: Okay. I’m gonna go to Lowell’s game today. Do you mind if I don’t come to church

with you?

Mrs. Blake: We just want you to feel better.

Amanda: Then I need to be with Lowell. I love you.

Mrs. Blake: I love you, too.

Tuesday, July 8, 2003—1:56 AM

130


Amanda’s Journal

I can’t sleep again. I’ve been thinking about that group. I know it’s supposed to help, but

I hate it! There’s only one girl I can relate to. She’s in college, and she talked about how

dangerous it can be during mid-terms and exams. Sometimes she doesn’t have time to sleep.

That’s what Dr. Stiles says to me. Once I stop sleeping, I could start to spin. Then it hit me. What

about me? The intensity of college? My intensity? Will I be able to manage the stress? How do

people with bipolar survive in college?

Friday, July 10, 2003—4:19 PM

Lowell’s Room

Lowell: What are you reading?

Amanda: Some of my crazy journal entries.

Lowell: Why are you doing that?

Amanda: I don’t know. I don’t need to read them to remember it. It’s etched in my memory.

You don’t forget the mania. I’m so embarrassed to think about it now.

Lowell: You shouldn’t feel like that. It’s not your fault. I’m really sorry I didn’t pay more

attention.

Amanda: No one knew what was happening.

Lowell: But still…I should have been there for you.

Amanda: What? You were so sad, and I was riding this high. I wouldn’t have listened to you.

Lowell: Yeah, and part of me wanted to believe you when you said Dad was alive.

Amanda: I think I should burn them.

Lowell: No. You should keep them, but put them away for now.

Amanda: I’ll go back to reading about other people with bipolar disorder.

Lowell: Do you have to read all those intense books? Can’t you find something else?

131


Amanda: You’re done with Harry Potter. I can read that now.

Lowell: No! You shouldn’t read it.

Amanda: Why not?

Lowell: It’s too sad.

Amanda: Who dies?

Lowell: Just don’t read it right now. I sort of wish I hadn’t.

Amanda: I can always go back to Lyra and Will.

Lowell: Amanda!

Amanda: Sorry. I know I got sort of out there with Lyra and Will’s search for his dad in the land

of the dead.

Lowell: Why don’t we go for a walk down to Walden Pond instead?

Monday, July 14, 2003—9:34 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I had a good session with Dr. Stiles today. She thinks I’m coming out of my depression. I

wish she’d let me out of this damn group. I told her it helps to be with Lowell more than the

group. She said I have to stay for now. Ergh!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003—2:34 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I HATE THIS GROUP!!! I hate it so much. It’s supposed to make me feel better, and all I do is

come home more depressed. Lowell is the only one who makes me feel better. He’s always been

so calm and reassuring. I try to be there for him, but he doesn’t need me as much. He has more

good days than bad days, and mine don’t seem to be getting any better. All I want to do is hang

out with Lowell. Why do I have to go that f*cking group. Can I say it one more time? I HATE

THIS GROUP. How can they think it helps to listen to people more messed up than me? So

132


many of them aren’t getting better. There’s one girl who’s tried everything, and nothing’s

worked. Now they’re considering electro-shock therapy. And then there’s this other girl who’s

been in and out of jail three times. This isn’t me! Is it even the same disease? I am not going to

go off my meds like so many other people in the group. Dr. Stiles says I only have to go for a

few more weeks if I continue to make progress. I’ll die if she doesn’t let me out of it after that!

Thursday, July 17, 2003—9:32 PM

Letter

Hey Em,

Thanks for the letter. I miss you, too. Camp sounds great! So what am I doing? Besides

this group that I HATE, I’m hanging out with Lowell. I went to the beach with him the other day,

and we laughed the whole time. When I didn’t want to go swimming in the ocean, he snuck up

behind me, picked me up, grabbed me by my arms and legs, and threw me into the water. Oh my

God! It was freezing and the waves were huge. I don’t know how Lowell does it—He’s the only

one who can get me out of my bad moods.

Monday, July 21, 2003—7:43 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I’m still so embarrassed about what happened. How’m I going to face people when

school starts again? I hate this!

Wednesday, July 23, 2003—1:34 PM

Cell Phone

Amanda: Ergh… I have to go to this stupid group again.

Lowell: Isn’t this your last one?

Amanda: No. I have a few more.

Lowell: Let’s go swimming later. It’s so hot. I have a game in the morning, but I’ll be back.

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Amanda: You don’t need me to drag you down. Oh… I get it. You want me outside again. You

think you’re so clever, but I see right through you.

Lowell: Come on. You can sit in the sun.

Amanda: Dr. Stiles did say sun was good.

Lowell: Great. I’ll see you this afternoon. You can stay for dinner. Mom likes having you

around. She says it makes it more festive. You’re not as depressing to be around as you think.

Amanda: That sounds good. I’ll be over after that group. God… I almost forgot about it. See

what you do to me? I almost forget myself when I talk to you, but I bet that’s cause when you’re

not so sad, I’m not so sad… Oh, there I go again…babbling on. Stop laughing at me!

Lowell: You’re feeling better, too, aren’t you?

Amanda: Maybe.

Lowell: Call me when you get back.

Amanda: I will. Talk to ya later.

…

Amanda: Come on… Answer your cell!

Lowell: Hey.

Amanda: Oh my God! I’m so pissed. That f*ing group is the worst. There was this girl. I hate

her. She was so bitchy and mean. She said I didn’t have anything to complain about. I had great

parents who really cared about me…my meds were helping…and I had you … blah blah blah.

Lowell: Slow down. I can’t understand you. You’re talking too fast. Come over.

Amanda: Ergh! I feel like screaming. I could throw something into the abyss and let it explode

into a big bang. I’m not going to be very good company.

Lowell: Stop… I don’t care about that, but walk, don’t drive.


134


Lowell’s House

Lowell: Hey… It’s okay.

Amanda: Oh, Lowell. What am I gonna do? I hate this so much. I’m just so Goddamn tired of

this f*ing disease. I hate it. I hate the group. I hate myself. Why am I so screwed up? What is

wrong with me? I’m not getting any better. I’m so mad I could scream.

Lowell: Come on. Come upstairs.

Amanda: God! I’m so frustrated! How can I go back to school this fall? I can’t even manage a

day without flipping out… if I can get out of bed at all. How can I do this?

Lowell: It’s okay. Really. It’s okay.

Amanda: Ouch! Jeez! What the hell! I just stepped on your damn cleat!

Lowell: Amanda! Stop it! Don’t throw it!

Amanda: Oh my God. Look what I did. I broke your mirror into a thousand pieces. That’s all I

need… Seven years of bad luck.

Lowell: It’s okay. Stop crying.

Amanda: No! It’s always going to come back to breaking mirrors… shattering glass…cutting…

Lowell: Stop it! Don’t think like that. You’re getting better!

Amanda: No, I’m not. My life is going to be like this for the rest of my life… manic…

depressed… and insane. You can’t recover from this. You’re always bipolar. There’s only one

thing to do!

Lowell: Give me that glass.

Amanda: No. I can’t stand it, and I have nothing to lose. I can cut the pain away.

Lowell: I’m not going to let you hurt yourself like this. Give me the glass.

Amanda: Cut! Cut! Cut! Hey… Let go of my arm.

Lowell: What the hell! I’m not going to let go until you drop that glass.

135


Amanda: No! You don’t know what it’s like.

Lowell: What!? Don’t know what it’s like? How can you say that? But cutting isn’t going to

change anything.

Amanda: It will for me. Just leave me alone!

Lowell: I can’t! I love you!

Amanda: I know that! Let go. I have to get rid of this pain. It’s the only way I can stand it.

Lowell: No! I love you!

Amanda: Oh my God! You kissed me. Why’d you do that?

Lowell: No! I love you. I kissed you because I love you.

Amanda: What? You do? You like love me? Love me like that?

Lowell: Yeah…I do.

Amanda: Wait…. Stop kissing me. You’re making me smile, and I don’t want to smile. Stop it!

Oh my God. I love you too.

Lowell: Really?

Amanda: Yeah… Wow…I can’t believe I said that… but yeah. How could I not love you?

Lowell: You mean it?

Amanda: Hold on. I can’t think.

Lowell: Then give me the glass.

Amanda: Oh my God! Look what I almost did. Look at your mirror!

Lowell: Give me the glass. It’s okay. You can cry.

Amanda: What a mess! I’m such a mess! Look at what I almost did. Am I ever going to get

better?

Lowell: You already are. You wouldn’t have cut yourself.

Amanda: How do you know? Wait! Why are you crying?

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Lowell: I was so scared. I can’t lose you, too.

Amanda: I can’t believe you kissed me. Are you sure? I mean you really love me?

Lowell: Yeah.

Amanda: I really love you, too.

Lowell: Why did it take us so long to realize it?

Amanda: Maybe it didn’t. Maybe we’ve always known. What if it’s always been this way? Sort

of like the universe, but we just didn’t know it.

Lowell: What? Are you getting cosmic on me.

Amanda: We’re just like Lyra and ... Oh no!

Lowell: What’s the matter?

Amanda: When Lyra and Will admitted their love, they were separated. What if that happens to

us?

Lowell: It’s just a story.

Amanda: But we’re so much like them. I can’t ever lose you. We have to find a way to stay

together so it’s not just a memory for us.

Lowell: Huh?

Amanda: We have to stay together in our Republic of Heaven …

Lowell: A memory? Republic of Heaven?

Amanda: Yeah. That way I won’t have to find my way out of the land of the dead, drifting about

forever, with all my atoms until I find you again…


Amanda: Lyra and Will had to live in their own worlds…apart, but we don’t have to if we…

Lowell: Manda! You’re not making any sense!

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Amanda: Oh my God! Is it happening again? Why do I always do this? Why do I see all these

connections?

Friday, July 25, 2003—6:34 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I thought being with Lowell, as boyfriend and girlfriend would help. Sometimes I feel

okay, almost normal, and then I have days like these. Lowell’s at a soccer tournament for two

days, and I miss him.

Sunday, July 27, 200—2:34 PM

Letter

Hey Em,

You’re not going to believe this! Lowell and I are together! We finally realized what

you’ve always known. Isn’t that amazing? I’m so glad I’m home—with Lowell—but I still feel

like a yo yo on this string that keeps me going up and down all the time. It’s been over two

months since the Bell Tower, and I can’t forget how crazy I was. I’m still so embarrassed. Write

me back all about camp. Love ya, Manda


Lowell’s Room

Amanda: I hated it when you were away. I could just stay here in your arms and kiss you all

day. What would have happened if I hadn’t spazzed out?

Lowell: We would have figured it out.

Amanda: Yeah… just like Lyra and…

Lowelll: You really are obsessed with those two.

Amanda: I know. They seem like my friends.

Lowell: Haha. Just like you and the the number eight

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Amanda: That’s the symbol for eternity.Tthat’s us. In love for eternity.

Lowell: It’s also the day Dad died.

Amanda: Oh my God. I never thought of it like that. I only thought about our birthdays… eight

and eighteen, and your soccer number….

Lowell: Let’s not think about it.

Amanda: Okay. I’m too happy to get depressed.

Friday, August 1, 2003—8:56PM

Amanda’s Journal

That was the last one. It’s over. I’m free. I don’t ever have to go to that damn group

again. Dr. Stiles said as long as I stayed on my meds and kept coming to her I could stop. If I had

to go to one more of those groups, I was going to scream. I guess one good thing came out of it.

When I flipped out and broke Lowell’s mirror, we finally gave into our feelings. I don’t know

how long I’ve been denying this love for Lowell. When our lips touch, we merge as one, and I

hate to let go. I don’t ever want to let go. I’m so in love with him. Why didn’t I see it?

I still have days when I feel really sad, but I try to shake those feelings out of my head

and go over to Lowell’s. I know I’m still going to be up and down, but it helps so much when he

puts his arms around me and tells me he loves me.

Tuesday, August 5, 2003—1:45 PM

IM


JLowell: hey can you come to my game?

ABlake: i have to take my math exam today

JLowell: good luck

ABlake: i hope my brain works

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JLowell: it will. youv been studying all week

ABlake: you make me feel so much better

JLowell: i love you

ABlake: i love you too

JLowell: good luck

ABlake: call me after your game

JLowell: therell be scouts there today

ABlake: youll be great

JLowell: bye

ABlake: ily

JLowell: ily2


Monday, August 11, 2003—4:23 PM

Amanda’s Journal

I took my last make up exam today. Then I had a session with Dr. Stiles. She thinks I’m

better, but she’s worried about me going back to school. She doesn’t think I’m ready, but I still

have a few more weeks. I feel okay when I’m with Lowell, but I keep having these dreams about

the Bell Tower. I keep thinking about what could have happened if Lowell hadn’t found me. I

almost died. What if I lose it again? Maybe it’s a good thing Mom and Dad aren’t going back to

South Africa. Maybe I really do need them, just like I need Lowell to keep me sane. No, to keep

me stable.

Wednesday, August 14, 2003—12:43 PM

Lowell’s Room

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Lowell: We have to stop or…

Amanda: It’s right. I’ve been sure since our first kiss.

Lowell: But what if it’s too soon.

Amanda: It’s not. I need you. I want you.

Lowell: I want you, too, but we’re not ready.

Amanda: I can’t believe you’re saying that.

Lowell: Me neither, but I don’t want to rush this. We have time.

Amanda: “Time for revisions and decisions.”

Lowell: What?

Amanda: Sorry. It was that poem I was obsessed with last spring. J. Alfred Prufrock. He didn’t

dare to disturb the universe. Remember? I showed you that poem, didn’t I?

Lowell: No. Is that what you were talking about in the Bell Tower?

Amanda: Yeah.

Friday, August 16, 2003—8:43 PM

Amanda’s Journal

Maybe Lowell was right. Maybe we weren’t ready. He must really love me because I

know he wants to. We went to Walden Pond this afternoon, and I told Lowell about Thoreau’s

Icarus poem. I was afraid I’d have those awful memories about the Bell Tower, but I didn’t. I

just felt peaceful as we watched all these kids playing in the water. We walked along the path,

and stood there, holding hands in silence.

Monday, August 19, 2003—3:26 PM

Cell Phone

Lowell: Hello…Wait…Amanda? Why are you crying?

Amanda: It’s so awful. I can’t believe it.

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Lowell: What? What is it?

Amanda: I have to leave.


Amanda: Mom and Dad are going to South Africa for nine months. They weren’t going to go,

but the government’s close to allowing anti-retrovirals into the country. Mom and Dad say they

have to go to help implement the plan.

Lowell: And they said you have to go with them?

Amanda: Yes! Dr. Stiles said I couldn’t be away from them right now, and she thought it would

be good for me to have a year away.

Lowell: Why?

Amanda: She thinks I need a fresh start. She says my embarrassment and guilt about what

happened is keeping me from accepting my illness.

Lowell: I thought you had.

Amanda: Dr. Stiles doesn’t think so. She’s seen other people recover faster when they’re not

reminded of their manias.

Lowell: But what about us?

Amanda: I’ve been telling her all about you. About how much better I feel being with you, but

she still thinks this is the best thing. If Mom and Dad have to leave, so do I.

Lowell: Can’t you convince them?

Amanda: I can’t make them understand. Mom and Dad are the ones who feel guilty about

leaving me here alone, about not coming home. They won’t change their minds. What are we

going to do?


Amanda: I can’t stop crying.

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Lowell: When are you leaving?

Amanda: Soon. I’m going to the International School in Cape Town. They want me to be there

when the school year starts, but I have to get over the jet lag first. Changing time zones can be

dangerous.

Lowell: What about your therapy?

Amanda: Dr. Stiles already found me one of the best psychiatrists there. Oh Lowell. How can

we be apart like this? My heart is breaking.

Lowell: We’ll write every day. We’ll email. We’ll talk on IM.

Amanda: But look at Em and Al.

Lowell: We’re not like them.

Amanda: But…I can’t live without you…What if you find someone else? What if I flip out

again? What if…

Lowell: We’re going to be okay. Look how much we’ve been through already. We’re forever.

Amanda: How can you be so brave?

Lowell: Because I know everything happens for a reason.

Wednesday, August 21, 2003

Letter

Dear Em,

You’re not going to believe this, but I have to leave. I’m still in shock, and I can’t stop

crying. Everything was so perfect, and now I have to go to South Africa with Mom and Dad. I

feel like I’m spinning down that hole again, but Dr. Stiles says she’s not worried. How can she

be so calm about this? I keep trying to tell Mom and Dad that this is the wrong decision, but they

won’t change their mind. I know if Joe was alive, he’d be able to convince them. Oh God. What

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am I saying? None of this would be happening if he hadn’t died. Why did that damn plane have

to crash?

Monday, August 25, 2003

Amanda’s Journal

These are my favorite days, not too hot and not too cool. Fall is coming, and I’m not

going to be here. Here I am lying on the grass looking out over the soccer field while Lowell

plays a pick up game with friends. The grass is under me as I feel my body sink into the earth.

My mind slows as I drink in the bright sunshine shining down on us and the leaves rustling in the

trees. Why can’t I just stay here? I know I could get better if I stayed here with Lowell and Em.

What if I can’t keep my feet on the ground without flying high or dipping down? I just wish I

could do this with Lowell, be with him and have his arms around me, keeping me soothed and

safe. That’s not going to happen, at least not yet, not while I’m in South Africa. Lowell says I

have to have faith. How can he say that after his dad died? He says we’re meant to be together,

that we wouldn’t have been through this much not to make it. He wants us to go to the same

college, and I’ll just have to apply from South Africa. Maybe I have to do this first—alone—

before I can really be with him. I have to love myself first, and that means loving all of me—

including my bipolar disorder. Then I can love and be in love. Wow! Where did that come from?

Did those thoughts really come from me? What did Philip Pullman write in my letter? It’s not

about coming from, but coming to.

Thursday, August 28, 2003—8:45 PM

Logan International Airport

Amanda: I can’t do this. I can’t leave you.

Lowell: It’ll be okay.

Amanda: Please don’t stop kissing me. I can’t let go. I’ll never let you go.

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Lowell: We’re forever.

Amanda: You really believe that, don’t you?

Lowell: Yeah. And, you should, too.

Amanda: What if you want to date someone else?

Lowell: I’m not going to date anyone else.

Amanda: You promise.

Lowell: Promise.

Amanda: I can’t even think about being away from you. My heart aches, and here I am crying. I

promised I wouldn’t cry.

Lowell: It’s okay. Sometimes crying’s good.

Amanda: That’s what I always said to you. Oh God. Now you’re crying.

Lowell: Look at us.

Amanda: One of those madly in love couples with the tearful good-byes. I can’t do this. I can’t

say good-bye.

Lowell: Then don’t. It’s not good-bye. It’s just see ya later.

Amanda: I’ll call you when we land in London.

Lowell: Call me from the plane.

Amanda: It’ll be the middle of the night for you.

Lowell: I’ll keep my cell on.

Amanda: I’m scared to fly. What if we…

Lowell: God wouldn’t let another plane crash.

Amanda: You sound so sure.

Lowell: I am. You know… You’re on a flight to hope.

Amanda: Hey… I like that. South Africa’s hope. And, we’re not like Icarus, are we?

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Lowell: No, we’re not going to fall.

Amanda: We’ll survive the flight.

Lowell: Give me one more hug.

Thursday, August 28, 2003—8:58 PM

Cell Phone

Amanda: Lowell? Where are you?

Lowell: In the car. I just got off the phone with Mom. She said we could visit you at Christmas.

Amanda: Oh my God! You’re kidding. That’s awesome. Maybe you’ll like it so much you’ll

decide to stay!

Lowell: Move to South Africa?

Amanda: Yeah. Your mom could stay to work with Mom and Dad, and you could go to school

with me!

Lowell: Are you dreaming?

Amanda: Some dreams come true. We’re together, aren’t we?

Lowell: Yeah.

Amanda: Damn. The pilot just said we have to shut our cell phones off. I love you.

Lowell: I love you, too. Have a safe flight.

Amanda: Yeah. Safe flight.

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amanda's flight revised - susan reynolds

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