ALSOBYLEILLOWNDES

HowtoFeelConfidentHowtoMakeAnyoneLikeYou

HowtoMakeAnyoneFallinLovewithYou

Contents

CoverTitlePageAlsobyLeilLowndesPreface:Havingitall

PartOne:Youonlyhavetensecondstoshowyou’reasomebodyTheincredible,inescapable,uniqueessenceofyou1Thefloodingsmile2Stickyeyes3Epoxyeyes4Hangbyyourteeth5Thebig-babypivot6Hellooldfriend7Limitthefidget8Hans’shorsesense9Watchthescenebeforeyoumakethescene

PartTwo:WhatdoIsayafterIsay‘hello’?Smalltalk,yourverbalwelcomemat10Themoodmatch11Prosaicwithpassion12AlwayswearaWhatzit13Whoozat?14Eavesdropin15Neverthenakedcity16Neverthenakedjob17Neverthenakedintroduction

18Beaworddetective19Theswivellingspotlight20Parroting21Encore!22Ac-cen-tu-atethepos-i-tive23Thelatestnews…don’tleavehomewithoutit

PartThree:Howtotalklikethebigboys’n’girlsWelcometothehumanjungle24Whatdoyoudo–NOT!25Thenutshellresume26Yourpersonalthesaurus27Killthequick‘me,too!’28Comm-YOU-nication29Theexclusivesmile30Don’ttouchaclichéwithaten-footpole31Usejawsmith’sjive32Callaspadeaspade33Trashtheteasing34It’sthereceiver’sball35Thebrokenrecord36Bigshotsdon’tslobber37Neverthenakedthankyou

PartFour:HowtobeaninsiderinanycrowdWhataretheyalltalkingabout?38Scrambletherapy39LearnalittleGobbledygook40Baringtheirhotbutton41Readtheirrags

42Clear‘custom’43Bluffingforbargains

PartFive:Why,we’rejustalike!We’relikepeasinapod44Beacopycat45Echoing46Potentimaging47Employempathizers48Anatomicallycorrectempathizers49Theprematurewe50Instanthistory

PartSix:Thepowerofpraise,thefollyofflatteryPraisereappraised51Grapevineglory52Carrierpigeonkudos53Impliedmagnificence54Accidentaladulation55Thekillercompliment56Littlestrokes57Theknee-jerk‘wow!’58Boomeranging59Thetombstonegame

PartSeven:DirectdialtheirheartsHowtobeahitinanothershow60Talkinggestures61Nameshower62Ohwow,it’syou!’63Thesneakyscreen

64Salutethespouse65Whatcolourisyourtime?66Constantlychangingoutgoingmessage67Yourten-secondaudition68Theho-humcaper69‘Ihearyourotherline’70Instantreplay

PartEight:HowtoworkapartylikeapoliticianworksaroomThepolitician’ssix-pointpartychecklist71Munchingormingling72Rubbernecktheroom73Bethechooser,notthechoosee74Come-hitherhands75Tracking76Thebusinesscarddossier77Eyeballselling

PartNine:LittletricksofbigwinnersThemosttreacherousglassceilingofall78Seenobloopers,hearnobloopers79Lendahelpingtongue80BaretheburiedWIIFM

81Let’emsavourthefavour82Titfor(wait…wait)tat83Partiesareforpratter84Dinner’sfordining85Chanceencountersareforchitchat86Emptytheirtanks87EchotheEMO

88Mygoof,yourgain89Leaveanescapehatch90Buttercupsfortheirboss91Leadthelisteners92Thegreatscorecardinthesky

BackAdsAfinalword:YourdestinyNotesSelectbibliographyAbouttheauthorCopyrightAboutthePublisher

Haveyoueveradmiredthosesuccessfulpeoplewhoseemtohaveitall?Youseethem chatting confidently at business meetings, comfortably at social parties.They’re theoneswith thebest jobs, thenicestspouses, thecoolest friends, thebiggestbankaccounts,themostfashionablepostcodes.Butwaitaminute!Alotof themaren’tcleverer thanyou.They’renotmore

educatedthanyou.They’renotevenbetterlooking!Sowhatisit?(Somepeoplesuspecttheyinheritedit.Otherssaytheymarriedit,orwerejustplainlucky.Tellthemtothinkagain.)Whatitboilsdowntoistheirmoreskilfulwayofdealingwithfellowhumanbeings.You see, nobodygets to the top alone.Over theyears, peoplewho seem to

‘have it all’ have captured the hearts and conquered theminds of hundreds ofotherswhohelpedboostthem,rungbyrung,tothetopofwhatevercorporateorsocialladdertheychose.Wannabes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often gaze up and

complainthattheBigBoysandBigGirlsatthetoparesnobs.WhenBigPlayersdon’tgive them their friendship, love,orbusiness, theycall them‘cliquish’oraccusethemofbelongingtoan‘old-boynetwork.’Somegrumbletheyhittheirheadsagainsta‘glassceiling.’The complaining Little Leaguers never realize the rejection was their own

fault.They’llneverknowtheyblewtheaffair,thefriendship,orthedealduetotheirowncommunicationsfumbles.Whydon’ttheyseeit?BecausesomeofthemovesBigWinnersmakearesosmooth,sosubtle,ittakesanotherBigWinnertorecognizethem.Theoldboys–inthedayswhentopmanagementwas,unfortunately,mainly

oldboys–complimentedeachotherbysaying,‘Buddy,youain’tnoaccident.’Theybestowedthisslangtributewithatingeofjealousywhenoneoldboysawsomesensitiveacttheotherhadexecuted.

Indeed,todaytheold(andnotsoold)boysandgirlswhorunourcountry,ourcorporations,andourarts‘ain’tnoaccident.’Eachhasabagoftricks,amagic,aMidastouchthatturnseverythingtheydointosuccess.What’sintheirbagoftricks?You’llfindalotofthings:There’sasubstance

thatsolidifiesfriendships,awizardry thatwinsminds,andamagic thatmakespeoplefallinlovewiththem.There’salsoaqualitythatmakesbosseshireandthenpromote,acharacteristicthatkeepsclientscomingback,andanasset thatmakescustomersbuyfromthemandnotthecompetition.Weallhaveafewofthosetricksinourbags,somemorethanothers.ThosewithawholelotofthemareBigWinners in life.How toTalk toAnyone givesyouninety-twoof theselittletricksusedbyBigWinnerssoyou,too,canplaythegametoperfectionandgetwhateveryouwantinlife.

Howthetechniquesweredeveloped

Manyyearsago,adramateacher,exasperatedatmybadactinginacollegeplay,shouted, ‘No! No! Your body is belying your words. Every tiny movement,everybodyposition,’hehowled,‘divulgesyourprivatethoughts.Yourfacecanmakeseventhousanddifferentexpressions,andeachexposespreciselywhoyouareandwhatyouarethinkingatanyparticularmoment.’ThenhesaidsomethingI’llneverforget:‘Andyourbody!Thewayyoumove isyourautobiographyinmotion.’Howrighthewas!On thestageof real life,everyphysicalmoveyoumake

subliminally tellseveryone ineyeshot thestoryofyour life.Dogshearsoundsourearscan’tdetect.Batsseeshapes in thedarkness thateludeoureyes.Andpeoplemakemovesthatarebeneathhumanconsciousnessbuthavetremendouspower to attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter,every arbitrary choice ofword that passes between your lips, can drawotherstowardyou,ormakethemwanttorunaway.Men,didyourgutfeelingevertellyoutojumpshiponadeal?Women,did

yourwomen’sintuitionmakeyouacceptorrejectanoffer?Onaconsciouslevel,wemaynotbeawareofwhatthehunchis.Butliketheearofthedogortheeyeofthebat,theelementsthatmakeupsubliminalsentimentsareveryreal.Imagine,please, twohumansinacomplexboxwiredwithcircuits torecord

allthesignalsflowingbetweenthetwo.Asmanyas10,000unitsofinformationflow per second. ‘Probably the lifetime efforts of roughly half the adultpopulationoftheUnitedStateswouldberequiredtosorttheunitsinonehour’s

interactionbetweentwosubjects,’aUniversityofPennsylvaniacommunicationsauthorityestimates.1With the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back and forth

betweentwohumanbeings,canwecomeupwithconcretetechniquestomakeoureverycommunicationclear,confident,credible,andcharismatic?Determined to find the answer, I read practically every book written on

communications skills, charisma, and chemistry between people. I exploredhundreds of studies conducted around the world on what qualities made upleadershipandcredibility.Intrepidsocialscientistsleftnostoneunturnedintheirquest to find the formula.Forexample,optimisticChinese researchers,hopingcharisma might be in the diet, went so far as to compare the relationship ofpersonality typeto thecatecholaminelevel insubjects’urine.2Needlesstosay,theirthesiswassoonshelved!Mostof the studies simplyconfirmedDaleCarnegie’s1936classic,Howto

WinFriendsandInfluencePeople.3Hiswisdomfortheagessaidsuccesslayinsmiling, showing interest in other people, and making them feel good aboutthemselves.‘That’snosurprise,’Ithought.It’sastruetodayasitwasoversixtyyearsago.SoifDaleCarnegieandhundredsofotherssinceofferthesameastuteadvice,

whydoanyofuslacktherightstufftowinfriendsandinfluencepeople?Supposeasagetoldyou,‘WheninChina,speakChinese’–butgaveyouno

languagelessons?DaleCarnegieandmanycommunicationsexpertsarelikethatsage. They tell uswhat to do, but not how to do it. In today’s sophisticatedworld, it’s not enough to say ‘smile’ or ‘give sincere compliments.’ Cynicalbusiness people today seemore subtleties in your smile,more complexities inyourcompliment.Accomplishedorattractivepeoplearesurroundedbysmilingsycophants feigning interest and fawning all over them. Prospects are tired ofsalespeople who say, ‘The suit looks great on you,’ when their fingers arecaressing cash register keys. Women are wary of suitors who say, ‘You arebeautiful,’whenthebedroomdoorisinview.Theworld isaverydifferentplace than itwas in1936,andweneedanew

formula for success. To find it, I observed the superstars of today. I exploredtechniquesusedbytopsalespeopletoclosethesale,speakerstoconvince,clergytoconvert,performerstoengross,sexsymbolstoseduce,andathletestowin.I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their

success.

ThenIbrokethemdownintoeasilydigestible,news-you-can-usetechniques.Igaveeachanamethatwillquicklycometomindwhenyoufindyourselfinacommunications conundrum. As I developed the techniques, I began sharingthem with audiences around the US. Participants in my communicationsseminars gaveme their ideas.My clients,many of themCEOs of Fortune 500companies*,enthusiasticallyofferedtheirobservations.When I was in the presence of the most successful and beloved leaders, I

analyzed their body language, their facial expressions. I listened carefully totheircasualconversations,theirtiming,andtheirchoiceofwords.Iwatchedastheydealtwiththeirfamilies,theirfriends,theirassociates,andtheiradversaries.EverytimeIdetectedalittlenipofmagicintheircommunicating,Iaskedthemtopluckitoutwithtweezersandexposeittothebrightlightofconsciousness.We analyzed it together, and I then turned it into a technique others couldduplicateandprofitfrom.Inthisbookaremyfindingsandthestrokesofsomeof thoseveryeffective

folks.Somearesubtle.Somearesurprising.Butallareachievable.Whenyoumasterthem,everyonefromnewacquaintancestofamily,friends,andbusinessassociateswillhappilyopentheirhearts,theirhomes,theircompanies,eventheirwalletstogiveyouwhatevertheycan.There’s a bonus. As you sail through life with your new communications

skills,you’lllookbackandseesomeveryhappygiverssmilinginyourwake.

*Thetop500companiesintermsofturnovereveryyear,aslistedinFortunemagazine.

Therearetwokindsofpeopleinthislife:Thosewhowalkintoaroomandsay,

‘Well,hereIam!’Andthosewhowalkinandsay,

‘Ahh,thereyouare.’

Themomenttwohumanslayeyesoneachotherhasawesomepotency.Thefirstsight of you is a brilliant holograph. It burns its way into your newacquaintance’seyesandcanstayemblazonedinhisorhermemoryforever.Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting emotional

response. I have a friend, Robert Grossman, an accomplished caricature artistwhodrawsregularlyforForbes,Newsweek,SportsIllustrated,RollingStoneandotherpopularNorthAmericanpublications.Bobhasauniquegiftforcapturingnotonlythephysicalappearanceofhissubjects,butzeroinginontheessenceoftheirpersonalities.Thebodiesandsoulsofhundredsofluminariesradiatefromhissketchpad.Oneglanceathiscaricaturesoffamouspeopleandyoucansee,for instance, the insecure arrogance of Madonna, the imperiousness of NewtGingrich,thebitchinessofLeonaHelmsley.Sometimes at a party,Bobwill do aquick sketchon a cocktail napkinof a

guest. Hovering over Bob’s shoulder, the onlookers gasp as they watch theirfriend’s image and essence materialize before their eyes. When he’s finisheddrawing, he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject. Often apuzzled look comes over the subject’s face.He or she usuallymumbles somepolitenesslike,‘Well,er,that’sgreat.Butitreallyisn’tme.’

Thecrowd’s convincingcrescendoof ‘Ohyes it is!’ drowns the subject outandsquelchesanylingeringdoubt.Theconfusedsubjectislefttostarebackattheworld’sviewofhimselforherselfinthenapkin.Oncewhen I was visiting Bob’s studio, I asked him how he could capture

people’spersonalitiessowell.Hesaid,‘It’ssimple.Ijustlookatthem.’‘No,’Iasked,‘Howdoyoucapturetheirpersonalities?Don’tyouhavetodo

alotofresearchabouttheirlifestyle,theirhistory?’‘No,Itoldyou,Leil,Ijustlookatthem.’‘Huh?’Hewentontoexplain,‘Almosteveryfacetofpeople’spersonalitiesisevident

from their appearance, their posture, the way theymove. For instance…’ hesaid,callingmeovertoafilewherehekepthiscaricaturesofpoliticalfigures.‘See,’Bobsaid,pointingtoanglesonvariouspresidentialbodyparts,‘here’s

the boyishness of Clinton,’ showing me his half smile; ‘the awkwardness ofGeorgeBush,’pointingtohisshoulderangle;‘thecharmofReagan,’puttinghisfingeron theex-president’s smilingeyes; ‘the shiftinessofNixon,’pointing tothe furtive tilt of his head. Digging a little deeper into his file, he pulled outFranklinDelanoRooseveltand,pointingtothenosehighintheair,‘Here’stheprideofFDR.’It’sallinthefaceandthebody.Firstimpressionsareindelible.Why?Becauseinourfast-pacedinformation-

overloadworldofmultiplestimulibombardinguseverysecond,people’sheadsarespinning.Theymustformquickjudgmentstomakesenseoftheworldandgetonwithwhattheyhavetodo.So,wheneverpeoplemeetyou,theytakeaninstantmentalsnapshot.Thatimageofyoubecomesthedatatheydealwithforaverylongtime.

Yourbodyshrieksbeforeyourlipscanspeak

Is theirdata accurate?Amazinglyenough,yes.Evenbeforeyour lipspart andthefirstsyllableescapes,theessenceofYOUhasalreadyaxeditswayintotheirbrains.Thewayyou look and thewayyoumove ismore than80per cent ofsomeone’sfirstimpressionofyou.Notonewordneedbespoken.I’velivedandworkedincountrieswhereIdidn’tspeakthenativelanguage.

Yet,without one understandable syllable spokenbetweenus, the years provedmyfirstimpressionswereontarget.WheneverImetnewcolleagues,Icouldtellinstantly how friendly they felt toward me, how confident they were, and

approximately howmuch stature they had in the company. I could sense, justfrom seeing them move, which were the heavyweights and which were thewelterweights.Ihavenoextrasensoryskill.You’dknow,too.How?Becausebeforeyouhave

had time to process a rational thought, you get a sixth sense about someone.Studieshaveshownemotionalreactionsoccurevenbeforethebrainhashadtimetoregisterwhat’scausingthatreaction.4Thusthemomentsomeonelooksatyou,heorsheexperiencesamassivehit,theimpactofwhichlaysthegroundworkforthe entire relationship. Bob told me he captures that first hit in creating hiscaricatures.DecidingtopursuemyownagendaforHowtoTalktoAnyone,Iasked,‘Bob,

ifyouwanted toportraysomebodyreallycool–youknow, intelligent, strong,charismatic,principled,fascinating,caring,interestedinotherpeople…’‘Easy,’Bob interrupted.Heknewpreciselywhat Iwasgettingat. ‘Justgive

’emgreatposture,aheads-uplook,aconfidentsmile,andadirectgaze.’It’stheidealimageforsomebodywho’saSomebody.

Howtolooklikeasomebody

A friend of mine, Karen, is a highly respected professional in the home-furnishingsbusiness.Herhusbandisanequallybignameinthecommunicationsfield.Theyhavetwosmallsons.Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone pays

deferencetoher.She’saVeryImportantPersoninthatworld.Hercolleaguesatconventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chattingwith her and,they hope, be photographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles likeHomeFurnishingsExecutiveandFurnitureWorld.Yet,Karencomplains,whensheaccompaniesherhusbandtocommunications

functions, shemight aswell be a nobody.When she takes her kids to schoolfunctions,she’sjustanothermum.Sheonceaskedme,‘Leil,howcanIstandoutfrom the crowd so peoplewho don’t knowmewill approachme and at leastassume I’m an interesting person?’ The techniques in this section accomplishpreciselythat.Whenyouusethenextninetechniques,youwillcomeacrossasaspecial person to everyone you meet. You will stand out as a Somebody inwhatevercrowdyoufindyourselfin,evenifit’snotyourcrowd.Let’sstartwithyoursmile.

Smilequick?orsmilespecial?

In1936,oneofDaleCarnegie’ssixmustsinHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeoplewasSMILE!Hisedicthasbeenechoedeachdecadebypracticallyeverycommunications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth to microphone.However,attheturnofthemillennium,it’shightimewere-examinetheroleofthe smile in high-level human relations. When you dig deeper into Dale’sdictum, you’ll find a 1936 quick smile doesn’t always work. Especiallynowadays.The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today’s sophisticated

crowd.Lookatworld leaders,negotiators, andcorporategiants.Nota smilingsycophant among them.KeyPlayers in allwalks of life enrich their smile so,whenitdoeserupt,ithasmorepotencyandtheworldsmileswiththem.Researchershavecatalogueddozensofdifferent typesofsmiles.Theyrange

fromthetightrubberbandofatrappedliartothesoftsquishysmileofatickledinfant.There arewarmsmiles andcold smiles.There are real smiles and fakesmiles. (You’ve seenplentyof thoseplasteredon the facesof friendswhosaythey’re ‘delightedyoudecided todropby,’andpresidentialcandidatesvisitingyour citywho say they’re ‘thrilled tobe in, uh…uh…’)BigWinners knowtheir smile isoneof theirmostpowerfulweapons, so they’ve fine-tuned it formaximumimpact.

Howtofine-tuneyoursmile

I have an old college friend namedMissy who, just last year, took over herfamilybusiness,acompanysupplyingcorrugatedboxes tomanufacturers.One

dayshecalledsayingshewascomingtoNewYorktocourtnewclientsandsheinvitedmetodinnerwithseveralofherprospects.Iwaslookingforwardtoonceagain seeing my friend’s quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh.Missywasanincurablegiggler,andthatwaspartofhercharm.When herDad passed away last year, she toldme shewas taking over the

business.IthoughtMissy’spersonalitywasalittlebubblytobeaCEOinatoughbusiness.But,hey,whatdoIknowaboutthecorrugatedboxbiz?She, I, and three of her potential clients met in the cocktail lounge of a

midtownrestaurantand,asweledthemintothediningroom,Missywhisperedinmyear,‘PleasecallmeMelissatonight.’‘Ofcourse,’Iwinkedback,‘notmanycompanypresidentsarecalledMissy!’

Soonafterthemaitred’seatedus,IbegannoticingMelissawasaverydifferentwomanfromthegigglinggirl I’dknownincollege.Shewas justascharming.Shesmiledasmuchasever.Yetsomethingwasdifferent.Icouldn’tquiteputmyfingeronit.Althoughshewas still effervescent, Ihad thedistinct impressioneverything

Melissasaidwasmoreinsightfulandsincere.Shewasrespondingwithgenuinewarmth to her prospective clients, and I could tell they liked her, too. I wasthrilledbecausemyfriendwasscoringaknockoutthatnight.Bytheendoftheevening,Melissahadthreebignewclients.Afterward,alonewithherinthecab,Isaid,‘Missy,you’vereallycomealong

way sinceyou tookover the company.Yourwholepersonalityhasdeveloped,well,areallycool,sharpcorporateedge.’‘Uhuh,onlyonethinghaschanged,’shesaid.‘What’sthat?’‘Mysmile,’shesaid.‘Yourwhat?’Iaskedincredulously.‘Mysmile,’sherepeatedasthoughIhadn’theardher.‘Yousee,’shesaid,with

adistantlookcomingintohereyes,‘whenDadgotsickandknewinafewyearsI’d have to take over the business, he sat me down and had a life-changingconversation with me. I’ll never forget his words. Dad said, “Missy, Honey,rememberthatoldsong,‘ILovesYa,Honey,ButYerFeet’sTooBig?’”Well,ifyou’regoingtomakeitbigintheboxbusiness,letmesay,“Ilovesya,Honey,butyoursmile’stooquick.”‘Hethenbroughtoutayellowednewspaperarticlequotingastudyhe’dbeen

saving to showmewhen the timewas right. It concernedwomen inbusiness.

The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life wereperceivedasmorecredible.’AsMissytalked,IbegantothinkaboutwomenlikeMargaretThatcher,Indira

Gandhi,GoldaMeir,MadeleineAlbright,andotherpowerfulwomenoftheirilk.True,theywerenotknownfortheirquicksmiles.Missycontinued,‘Thestudywentontosayabig,warmsmileisanasset.But

onlywhen it comesa little slower, because then it hasmore credibility.’Fromthatmomenton,Missyexplained, shegaveclientsandbusinessassociatesherbig smile.However, she trainedher lips to eruptmore slowly.Thusher smileappearedmoresincereandpersonalizedfortherecipient.Thatwasit!Missy’sslowersmilegaveherpersonalityaricher,deeper,more

sincere cachet.Though the delaywas less than a second, the recipients of herbeautifulbigsmilefeltitwasspecial,andjustforthem.I decided to domore research on the smile.Whenyou’re in themarket for

shoes, you begin to look at everyone’s feet.When you decide to change yourhairstyle,you lookateveryone’shaircut.Well, for severalmonths, Ibecameasteadysmilewatcher.Iwatchedsmilesonthestreet.IwatchedsmilesonTV.Iwatchedthesmilesofpoliticians,theclergy,corporategiants,andworldleaders.Myfindings?Amidsttheseaofflashingteethandpartinglips,Idiscoveredthepeople perceived to have the most credibility and integrity were just ever soslower to smile. Then,when they did, their smiles seemed to seep into everycrevice of their faces and envelop them like a slow flood. Thus I call thefollowingtechniqueTheFloodingSmile.Technique1:

ThefloodingsmileDon’tflashanimmediatesmilewhenyougreetsomeone,asthoughanyonewhowalkedintoyourlineofsightwouldbethebeneficiary.Instead,lookattheotherperson’sfaceforasecond.Pause.Soakintheirpersona.Thenletabig,warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into youreyes.Itwillengulf therecipient likeawarmwave.Thesplit-seconddelayconvincespeopleyourfloodingsmileisgenuineandonlyforthem.

Let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most powerfulcommunicationstoolsyoupossess,youreyes.

Howtodetonatethosegrenadesrestingonyournose

It’s only a slight exaggeration to sayHelen ofTroy could sink shipswith hereyes and Davy Crockett could stare down a bear. Your eyes are personalgrenadesthathavethepowertodetonatepeople’semotions.Justasmartialartsmasters register their fists as lethal weapons, you can register your eyes aspsychological lethal weapons when you master the following eye-contacttechniques.Big Players in the game of life look beyond the conventional wisdom that

teaches ‘Keep good eye contact.’ For one, they understand that to certainsuspiciousorinsecurepeople,intenseeyecontactcanbeavirulentintrusion.When I was growing up, my family had a Haitian housekeeper whose

fantasieswerefilledwithwitches,warlocksandblackmagic.ZolarefusedtobeleftaloneinaroomwithLouie,mySiamesecat.‘Louielooksrightthroughme–seesmysoul,’she’dwhispertomefearfully.Insomecultures,intenseeyecontactissorcery.Inothers,staringatsomeone

can be threatening or disrespectful. Realizing this, Big Players in theinternationalsceneprefertopackabookonculturalbody-languagedifferencesintheircarry-onratherthanaBerlitzphrasebook.Inourculture,however,BigWinners know exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous,especially between the sexes. In business, even when romance is not in thepicture,strongeyecontactpacksapowerfulwallopbetweenmenandwomen.ABostoncentreconductedastudytolearnthepreciseeffect.5Theresearchers

askedopposite-sex individuals tohavea two-minutecasualconversation.Theytrickedhalftheirsubjectsintomaintainingintenseeyecontactbydirectingthemtocountthenumberoftimestheirpartnerblinked.Theygavetheotherhalfofthesubjectsnospecialeye-contactdirectionsforthechat.

When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspecting blinkersreportedsignificantlyhigherfeelingsofrespectandfondnessfortheircolleagueswho,unbeknowntothem,hadsimplybeencountingtheirblinks.I’veexperiencedthecloseness intenseeyecontactengenderswithastranger

firsthand.Once,whengivingaseminartoseveralhundredpeople,onewoman’sface in the crowd caught my attention. The participant’s appearance was notparticularly unique. Yet she became the focus ofmy attention throughoutmytalk.Why?Becausenotforonemomentdidshetakehereyesoffmyface.EvenwhenIfinishedmakingapointandwassilent,hereyesstayedhungrilyonmyface.Isensedshecouldn’twaittosavourthenextinsighttospoutfrommylips.I loved it!Herconcentrationandobviousfascination inspiredme to rememberstoriesandmakeimportantpointsI’dlongforgotten.Right after my talk, I resolved to seek out this new friend who was so

enthralledbymy speech.Aspeoplewere leaving the hall, I quickly sidledupbehindmy big fan. ‘Excuseme,’ I said.My fan keptwalking. ‘Excuseme,’ Irepeatedatadlouder.Myadmirerdidn’tvaryherpaceasshecontinuedoutthedoor.Ifollowedherintothecorridorandtappedhershouldergently.Thistimeshewhirledaroundwithasurprised lookonherface. Imumbledsomeexcuseaboutmyappreciatingherconcentrationonmytalkandwantingtoaskherafewquestions.‘Didyou,uh,getmuchoutoftheseminar?’Iventured.‘Well,notreally,’sheansweredcandidly.‘Ihaddifficultyunderstandingwhat

you were saying because you were walking around on the platform facingdifferentdirections.’In a heartbeat, I understood. The woman was hearing impaired. I did not

captivate her as I had suspected. She was not intrigued by my talk as I hadhoped.Theonlyreasonshekepthereyesgluedonmyfacewasbecauseshewasstrugglingtoreadmylips!Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and inspiration

duringmytalkthat,tiredasIwas,Iaskedhertojoinmeforcoffee.Ispentthenext hour recapping my entire seminar just for her. Powerful stuff this eyecontact.

Stickyeyesalsomeansintelligenteyes

Thereisyetanotherargumentforintenseeyecontact.Inadditiontoawakeningfeelingsof respect andaffection,maintaining strongeyecontactgivesyou theimpressionofbeinganintelligentandabstractthinker.Becauseabstractthinkersintegrate incoming datamore easily than concrete thinkers, they can continuelooking into someone’s eyes evenduring the silences.Their thoughtprocessesarenotdistractedbypeeringintotheirpartner’speepers.6Backtoourvaliantpsychologists.YaleUniversityresearchers, thinkingthey

hadtheunswervingtruthabouteyecontact,conductedanotherstudywhich,theyassumed,wouldconfirm‘themoreeyecontact,themorepositivefeelings.’Thistime, theydirectedsubjects todeliverapersonally revealingmonologue.Theyaskedthelistenerstoreactwithaslidingscaleofeyecontactwhiletheirpartnerstalked.Theresults?Allwentasexpectedwhenwomentoldtheirpersonalstoriesto

women.Increasedeyecontactencouragedfeelingsofintimacy.But,whoops,itwasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long byanotherman.Othermenfeltthreatened.Somefewevensuspectedtheirpartnerwasmoreinterestedthanheshouldbeandwantedtoslughim.Yourpartner’semotionalreactiontoyourprofoundgazehasabiologicalbase.

When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots anadrenaline-likesubstancegushingthroughtheirveins.7Thisisthesamephysicalreactionpeoplehavewhentheystarttofallinlove.Andwhenyouconsciouslyincrease your eye contact, even during normal business or social interaction,peoplewillfeeltheyhavecaptivatedyou.Men talking to women and women talking to men or women: use the

followingtechnique,whichIcallStickyEyes,forthejoyoftherecipient–andfor your own advantage. (Men, I’ll have a man-to-man modification of thistechniqueforyouinamoment.)

Technique2:

StickyeyesPretend your eyes are glued to your Conversation Partner’s with stickywarm toffee. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finishedspeaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly,stretchingthegooeytoffeeuntilthetinystringfinallybreaks.

Whataboutmen’seyes?

Nowgentlemen:whentalkingtomen,you,too,canuseStickyEyes.Justmakethema little less stickywhendiscussingpersonalmatterswithothermen, lestyourlistenerfeelthreatenedormisinterpretyourintentions.Butdoincreaseyoureyecontactslightlymorethannormalwithmenonday-to-daycommunications– anda lotmorewhen talking towomen. It broadcasts a visceralmessage ofcomprehensionandrespect.I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an

arrogantchap.Hedoesn’tmeanto,butsometimeshisbrusquemannermakesitlooklikehe’srunningroughshodoverpeople’sfeelings.Oncewhilewewerehavingdinnertogetherinarestaurant,I toldhimabout

theStickyEyestechnique.Iguesshetookittoheart.Whenthewaitercameover,Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly blurting out his orderwith hisnose in the menu, looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his order for theappetizer,andkepthiseyeson thewaiter’s foranextrasecondbefore lookingdownagainatthemenutochoosethemaindish.Ican’ttellyouhowdifferentSammyseemedtomejustthen!Hecameacrossasasensitiveandcaringman,andallittookwastwoextrasecondsofeyecontact.Isawtheeffectithadonthewaiter,too.Wereceivedexceptionallygraciousservicetherestoftheevening.Aweek laterSammycalledmeandsaid, ‘Leil,StickyEyeshaschangedmy

life.I’vebeenfollowingittoaT.withwomen,Imakemyeyesrealsticky,andwithmenslightlysticky.Andnoweverybody’streatingmewithsuchdeference.Ithinkit’spartofthereasonI’vemademoresalesthisweekthanalllastmonth!’Ifyoudealwithcustomersorclientsinyourprofessionallife,StickyEyesisa

definiteboontoyourbottomline.Tomostpeopleinourculture,profoundeyecontactsignalstrust,knowledge,an‘I’mhereforyou’attitude.

Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medicine that has thepower to kill or cure, the next eye-contact technique has the potential tocaptivateorannihilate.

Bringonthebigguns

Nowwehaulintheheavyeyeballartillery:verystickyeyesorsuperglueeyes.Let’scallthemEpoxyEyes.BigBossesuseEpoxyEyes toevaluateemployees.Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to intimidate suspected criminals. Andclever Romeos use Epoxy Eyes to make women fall in love with them. (Ifromanceisyourgoal,EpoxyEyesisaprovenaphrodisiac.)TheEpoxyEyes technique takesat least threepeople topulloff–you,your

target,andoneotherperson.Here’showitworks:Usually,whenyou’rechattingwithtwoormorepeople,yougazeatthepersonwhoisspeaking.However,theEpoxyEyes technique suggests you concentrateon the listener–your target –ratherthanthespeaker.ThisslightlydisorientsTargetandheorshesilentlyasks,‘Whyisthispersonlookingatmeinsteadofthespeaker?’Targetsensesyouareextremely interested in his or her reactions. This can be beneficial in certainbusinesssituationswhenitisappropriatethatyoujudgethelistener.HumanresourcesprofessionalsoftenuseEpoxyEyes,notasatechnique,but

because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employee’s reaction tocertain ideas being presented. Lawyers, bosses, police investigators,psychologists,andotherswhomustexaminesubjects’reactionsalsouseEpoxyEyesforanalyticalpurposes.When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with

completeconfidenceinyourself.ButbecauseEpoxyEyesputsyouinapositionofevaluatingorjudgingsomeoneelse,youmustbecareful.Don’toverdoitoryoucouldcomeacrossasarrogantandbrazen.

Technique3:

Epoxyeyes

This brazen technique packs a powerful punch.Watch your target personeven when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keeplookingatthemanorwomanyouwanttoimpact.SometimesusingfullEpoxyEyes is toopotent, sohere is agentler, yet

effective,form:Watchthespeakerbutletyourglancebouncetoyourtargeteachtimethespeakerfinishesapoint.ThiswayMrorMsTargetstillfeelsyou are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from theintensity.

Whenloveisonyourmind

Ifromanceisonthehorizon,EpoxyEyestransmitsyetanothermessage.Itsays,‘Ican’ttakemyeyesoffyou’or‘Ionlyhaveeyesforyou.’Anthropologistshavedubbed eyes ‘the initial organ of romance’ because studies show intense eyecontactplayshavocwithourheartbeat.8Italsoreleasesadruglikesubstanceintoournervoussystemcalledphenylethylamine.Sincethisisthehormonedetectedinthehumanbodyduringeroticexcitement, intenseeyecontactcanbeaturn-on.Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women – if they find you

attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze asbudding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, yourEpoxy Eyes aredownrightobnoxious.(NeveruseEpoxyEyesonstrangers inpublicsettingsoryoucouldgetarrested!)DoyourememberthelyricstotheoldShirleyBasseysong?

Theminuteyouwalked in the joint, Icouldseeyouwereamanofdistinction–arealbigspender.Goodlooking,sorefined.Saywouldn’tyouliketoknowwhat’sgoing

oninmymind?

The goal of this first section is not tomake you look like a real big spender.RatheritistogiveyouthecachetofarealbigSomebodythemomentpeoplelayeyesonyou.Tothatend,wenowexplorethemostimportanttechniquetomakeyoulooklikeaVeryImportantPerson.

‘Theminuteyouwalkedinthejoint,Iknewyouwerearealbigwinner’

Whenthedoctorsmacksyourkneewiththatnastylittlehammer,yourfootjerksforward.Thus thephraseknee-jerkreaction.Yourbodyhasanother instinctivereaction.WhenabigjoltofhappinesshitsyourheartandyoufeellikeaWinner,yourhead jerksup automatically andyou throwyour shouldersback.A smileframesyourlipsandsoftensyoureyes.This is the lookWinners have constantly. They standwith assurance. They

movewith confidence.They smile softlywithpride.Nodoubt about it!Goodposturesymbolizesyouareamanorwomanwhoisusedtobeingontop.Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids’

shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling students, ‘Stand up straight!’hasn’tdone the trick.Weareanationofslouchers.Weneeda techniquemorestern than teachers, more persuasive than parents, to make us stand like aSomebody.Inoneprofession,perfectposture,perfectequilibrium,perfectbalanceisnot

onlydesirable–it’samatteroflifeanddeath.Onefalsemove,oneslumpoftheshoulders,onehangdoglook,canmeancurtainsforthehigh-wireacrobat.I’llneverforgetthefirsttimeMamatookmetothecircus.Whensevenmen

andwomen raced into the centre ring, the crowd rose as though theywere alljoinedat thehips.Theycheeredwithonethunderousvoice.MamapressedherlipsagainstmyearandreverentlywhisperedtheseweretheGreatWallendas,theonlytroupeintheworldtoperformtheseven-personpyramidwithoutanet.In an instant, the crowd became hushed.Not a cough or a Coke slurpwas

heard in thebig topasKarlandHermanWallendashoutedcues inGerman totheir trustingrelatives.Thefamilymeticulouslyandmajesticallyascended intothepositionofahumanpyramid.Theythenbalancedprecariouslyonathinwire

hundredsoffeetabovetheharddirtwithnonetbetweenthemandsuddendeath.Thevisionwasunforgettable.Tome,equallyunforgettablewasthebeautyandgraceofthesevenWallendas

racingintothecentreofthebigtoptotaketheirbows.Eachperfectlyaligned–head high, shoulders back – standing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feetweretouchingtheground.Everymuscle in theirbodiesdefinedpride,success,andtheirjoyofbeingalive.(Still!)HereisavisualizationtechniquetogetyourbodylookinglikeaWinnerwhoisinthehabitoffeelingthatpride,success,andjoyofbeingalive.

Yourpostureisyourbiggestsuccessbarometer

Imagineyouareaworld-renownedacrobat,masteroftheiron-jawactwaitinginthewingsoftheRinglingBros.andBarnum&Baileycircus.Soonyouwilldartintothecentreringtocaptivatethecrowdwiththeprecisionandbalanceofyourbody.Beforewalkingthroughanydoor–thedoortoyouroffice,aparty,ameeting,

evenyourkitchen–picturealeatherbithangingbyacablefromtheframe.Itisswinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door,throwyourheadbackandchompontheimaginarydentalgripwhichfirstpullsyourcheeksbackintoasmile,andthenliftsyouup.Asyouascendhighabovethe gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect alignment – head high,shouldersback,torsooutofhips,feetweightless.Atthezenithofthetent,youspinlikeagraceful topto theamazementandadmirationof thecrowdcraningtheirneckstowatchyou.NowyoulooklikeaSomebody.Oneday, to testHangbyYourTeeth, I decided to count howmany times I

walkedthroughadoorway.Sixtytimes,evenathome.Youcalculate:twiceoutyourfrontdoor, twicein,sixtimestothebathroom,eighttimestothekitchen,andthroughcountlessdoorsatyouroffice.Itaddsup.Visualizeanythingsixtytimesadayanditbecomesahabit!HabitualgoodpostureisthefirstmarkofaBigWinner.

Technique4:

Hangbyyourteeth

Visualize a circus iron-jawbit hanging from the frame of every door youwalk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let itswoopyoutothepeakofthebigtop.WhenyouHangbyYourTeeth,everymuscleisstretchedintoperfectpostureposition.Youarenowreadytofloatintotheroomtocaptivatethecrowdorclose

thesale(ormaybejustsettleforlookinglikethemostimportantSomebodyintheroom).

YounowhaveallthebasicsBobtheartistneedstoportrayyouasaBigWinner.Like he said, ‘great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a directgaze.’Theidealimageforsomebodywho’saSomebody.

Nowlet’sputthewholeactintomotion.It’stimetoturnyourattentionoutwardtoyourConversationPartner.Use thenext two techniques tomakehimorherfeellikeamillion.

‘Well,howdoyoulikemesofar?’

Remembertheoldjoke?Thecomiccomesonstageandthefirstwordsoutofhismouthare,‘Well,howdoyoulikemesofar?’Theaudiencealwayscracksup.Why?Becauseweallsilentlyaskthatquestion.Wheneverwemeetsomeone,weknow,consciouslyorsubconsciously,howthey’rereactingtous.Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us? Do they

somehow recognizehowwonderful and specialwe are?We like thosepeople.They have good taste. Or do they turn away, obviously unimpressed by ourmagnificence.Thecretins!Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each

otherout.Wedon’thavetailsthatwagorhairthatbristles.Butwedohaveeyesthatnarroworwiden.Andhandsthatflashknucklesorsubconsciouslysofteninthepalms-up‘Isubmit’position.Wehavedozensofotherinvoluntaryreactionsthattakeplaceinthefirstfewmomentsoftogetherness.Attorneysconductingvoirdireareexquisitelyawareof this.Theypayclose

attentiontoyourinstinctivebodyreactions.Theywatchtoseehowfullyyouarefacing themand just how far forwardor backyou’re leaningwhile answeringtheir questions. They check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up,signifying acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making aslight fist,knucklesout, signalling rejection?Theyscrutinizeyour face for thesplitsecondsyoubreakeyecontactwhendiscussingrelevantsubjectslikeyourfeelingsonbigawardsfordamages,or thedeathpenalty.Sometimesattorneysbring along a legal assistantwhose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and takeprecisenoteofyoureveryfidget.Aninterestingaside:triallawyersoftenchoosewomentodothistwitch-and-

turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of subtle

bodycuesthanmales.Women,moresensitivetoemotionsthanmen,oftenasktheir husbands, ‘Is something bothering you, Honey?’ (These supersensitivewomen accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that theywouldn’tnoticeanythingiswronguntiltheirnecktiesaredrenchedinhertears.)The attorney and the assistant then review your ‘score’ on the dozens of

subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could findyourselfonjurydutyortwiddlingyourthumbsbackinthejuror’swaitingroom.Triallawyersaresoconsciousofbodylanguagethat,inthe1960sduringthe

famous trialof theChicagoSeven,defenceattorneyWilliamKuntsleractuallymadealegalobjectiontoJudgeJuliusHoffman’sposture.Duringthesummationbytheprosecution,JudgeHoffmanleanedforwardwhich,accusedKuntsler,sentamessage to the juryofattentionand interest.Duringhisdefencesummation,complainedKuntsler,JudgeHoffmanleanedback,sendingthejuryasubliminalmessageofdisinterest.

You’reontrial–andyouonlyhavetenseconds!

Likelawyersdecidingwhethertheywantyouontheircase,everybodyyoumeetmakesasubconscious judgmentonwhether theywantyou in their lives.Theybase their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer totheirunspokenquestion,‘Well,howdoyoulikemesofar?’Thefirst fewmomentsofyour reactionsset thestageuponwhich theentire

relationship will be played out. If you ever want anything from the newacquaintance,yourunspokenanswer to theirunspokenquestion, ‘Howdoyoulikemesofar?’mustbe,‘Wow!Ireallylikeyou.’Whenalittlefour-year-oldfeelsbashful,heslumps,putshisarmsupinfront

ofhischest,stepsback,andhidesbehindmummy’sskirt.However,whenlittleJohnnyseesdaddycomehome,herunsuptohim,hesmiles,hiseyesgetwide,andheopenshisarmsforahug.Alovingchild’sbodyislikeatinyflowerbudunfoldingtothesunshine.Twenty, thirty, forty, fiftyyearsof lifeonearthmake littledifference.When

forty-year-oldJohnnyisfeelingtimid,heslumpsandfoldshisarmsinfrontofhis chest.When hewants to reject a salesman or business colleague, he turnsaway and closes him off with a myriad of body signals. However, whenwelcominghislovedonehomeafteranabsence,bigJohnnyopenshisbodytoherlikeagiantdaffodilspreadingitspetalstothesunafterarainstorm.

Respondtothehiddeninfant

OnceIwasatacorporatestar-studdedpartywithanattractiverecentlydivorcedfriendofmine.Carlahadbeenacopywriterwithoneoftheleadingadvertisingagencieswhich,likesomanycompaniesthen,haddownsized.Mygirlfriendwasbothoutofworkandoutofarelationship.Atthisparticularparty,thepickingsforCarlaweregood,bothpersonallyand

professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood talking, one good-lookingcorporatemalebeastoranotherwouldfindhimselfwithinafewfeetofus.Moreoftenthannot,oneofthesedesirablemaleswouldflashhisteethatCarla.Shesometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over hershoulder.But thenshe’d turnback toourmundaneconversationas thoughshewerehangingonmyeveryword.Iknewshewastryingnottolookanxious,butinsideCarlawascryingout,‘Whydoesn’thecomeandspeaktous?’Right after one prize corporate BigCat smiled but, due to Carla’sminimal

reaction,wanderedbackintothesocialjungle,Ihadtosay,‘Carla,doyouknowwhothatwas?He’stheheadoftheYoung&RubicaminParis.They’relookingforcopywriterswillingtorelocate.Andhe’ssingle!’Carlamoaned.JustthenweheardalittlevoicedownbyCarla’sleftknee.‘Hello!’Welooked

down simultaneously. Little five-year-oldWillie, the hostess’s adorable youngson,wastuggingonCarla’sskirt,obviouslycravingattention.‘Well,well,well,’Carlacriedout,abigsmileeruptingalloverherface.Carla

turnedtowardhim.Carlakneeleddown.CarlatouchedlittleWillie’selbow.AndCarlacrooned,‘Well,hellothere,Willie.Howareyouenjoyingmummy’sniceparty?’LittleWilliebeamed.WhenlittleWilliefinallytrundledofftotugonthegarmentsofthenextgroup

ofpotential attentiongivers,Carla and I returned toourgrown-upconversing.Duringourchat,corporatebeastscontinuedtostalkCarlawiththeireyes.AndCarla continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointednoneofthemweremakingafurtherapproach.Ihadtobitemytongue.Finally,whenI felt itwasgoing tobleedfromthepressureofmy teeth, Isaid, ‘Carla,have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled atyou?’‘Yes,’ Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the room lest

anyoneoverhearus.‘Andyou’vebeengivingthemlittlehalfsmiles,’Icontinued.

‘Yes,’shemurmured,nowconfusedatmyquestion.‘Remember when littleWillie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you

recallhowyousmiledthatbeautifulbigsmileofyours,turnedtowardhim,andwelcomedhimintoourgrown-upconversation?’‘Yee-es,’sheansweredhaltingly.‘Well,Ihavearequest,Carla.Thenextmanwhosmilesatyou,Iwantyouto

givehimthatsamebigsmileyougaveWillie.Iwantyoutoturntowardhimjustlikeyoudidthen.MaybeevenreachoutandtouchhisarmlikeyoudidWillie’s,andthenwelcomehimintoourconversation.’‘OhLeil,Icouldn’tdothat.’‘Carla, do it!’ Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man

wanderedourwayandsmiled.Carlaplayedherrole toperfection.Sheflashedherbeautifulteeth,turnedfullytowardhim,andsaid,‘Hello,comejoinus.’HewastednotimeacceptingCarla’sinvitation.Afterafewmoments,Iexcusedmyself.Neithernoticedmydeparturebecause

theywereinanimatedconversation.ThelastglimpseIhadofmyfriendatthepartywasherfloatingoutthedooronthearmofhernewfriend.JustthenthetechniqueIcalltheBig-BabyPivotwasborn.Itisaskillthatwill

help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts youencounterinthesocialorcorporatejungle.

Technique5:

Thebig-babypivotGiveeveryoneyoumeettheBig-BabyPivot.Theinstantthetwoofyouareintroduced,rewardyournewacquaintance.Givethewarmsmile,thetotal-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke whocrawledup toyourfeet, turnedapreciousfaceup toyours,andbeamedabigtoothlessgrin.Pivoting100percenttowardNewPersonshouts‘Ithinkyouarevery,veryspecial.’

Remember,deepinsideeveryone isabigbabyrattlingthecrib,wailingoutforrecognitionofhowveryspecialheorsheis.

Thenexttechniquereinforcestheirsuspicionthattheyare,indeed,thecentreoftheuniverse.

Thesecrettomakingpeoplelikeyou

AverywisemanwiththefunnynameofZig9oncetoldme,‘Peopledon’tcarehowmuchyouknowuntil theyknowhowmuchyoucare…about them.’ZigZiglarisright.Thesecrettomakingpeoplelikeyouisshowinghowmuchyoulikethem!Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone

withineyeshotpreciselyhowyoufeelatanygivenmoment.EvenifyourHangbyYourTeethpostureisgainingtheirrespect,yourFloodingSmileandBig-BabyPivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing theirheartsandminds,therestofyourbodycanrevealanyincongruence.Everyinch– from the crinkleofyour forehead to thepositionofyour feet–mustgive acommandperformance ifyouwant toeffectivelypresentan‘Icareaboutyou’attitude.Unfortunately,whenmeetingsomeone,ourbrainsareinoverdrive.Remember

Shakespeare’sJuliusCaesar?HesaidofCassius,he‘hasaleanandhungrylook–hethinkstoomuch–suchmenaredangerous.’Soitiswithourbrainswhenconversingwithanewacquaintance.Ourbrainsbecomelean. (Someofusarefightingoffshyness.Othersarefranticallysizingupthesituation.)Andhungry(we’redecidingwhat,ifanything,wewantfromthispotentialrelationship).Sowe think too much instead of responding with candid, unselfconsciousfriendliness. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, orcommerce.When our bodies are shooting off 10,000 bullets of stimuli every second, a

few shots are apt tomisfire and reveal shynessor hiddenhostility.Weneed atechniquetoassureeveryshotaimsrightattheheartofoursubject.Weneedtotrickourbodiesintoreactingperfectly.

To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about anyshynessornegativityslippingoutthroughourbodylanguage.It’swhenwefeelnone. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we seesomeoneweloveorfeelcompletelycomfortablewith,werespondwarmlyfromhead to toewithouta thought.Our lipsparthappily.Westepcloser.Ourarmsreach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and ourbodiesturnfullytowardourdearfriend.

Howtotrickyourbodyintodoingeverythingright

Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees thateveryoneyouencounterwillfeelyourwarmth.IcallitHelloOldFriend.Whenmeetingsomeone,playamentaltrickonyourself.Inyourmind’seye,

seehimorherasanoldfriend,someoneyouhadawonderfulrelationshipwithyearsago.Butsomehowyoulosttrackofyourfriend.Youtriedsohardtofindyourgoodbuddy,buttherewasnolistinginthephonebook.Noinformationon-line.Noneofyourmutualfriendshadaclue.Suddenly,WOW!Whatasurprise!Afterall thoseyears, the twoofyouare

reunited.Youaresohappy.That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to

convince New Person that the two of you are really old friends. You are notgoingtohugandkissandsay,‘Greattoseeyouagain!’or‘Howhaveyoubeenalltheseyears?’Youmerelysay,‘Hello,’‘Howdoyoudo,’‘Iampleasedtomeetyou.’But,inside,it’saverydifferentstory.Youwillamazeyourself.Thedelightofrediscoveryfillsyourfaceandbuoys

up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light, you’dbeamontheotherperson.Ifyouwereadog,you’dbewaggingyourtail.YoumakeNewPersonfeelveryspecialindeed.

Technique6:

HellooldfriendWhenmeetingsomeone,imagineheorsheisanoldfriend(anoldcustomer,anoldbeloved,orsomeoneelseyouhadgreataffectionfor).Howsad,thevicissitudesoflifetoreyoutwoasunder.But,holymackerel,nowtheparty(the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost oldfriend!

The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your bodyfromthesubconscioussofteningofyoureyebrowstothepositioningofyourtoes–andeverythingbetween.

Inmyseminars, I firsthavepeople introduce themselves toanotherparticipantbefore they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The group chats asthough at a pleasant semi-formal gathering. Later I ask them to introducethemselvestoanotherstranger,imaginingtheyareoldfriends.Thedifferenceisextraordinary.Whenthey’reusingHelloOldFriend,theroomcomesalive.Theatmosphere is chargedwith good feeling. The air sparkleswith happier, high-energypeople.Theyarestandingcloser, laughingmoresincerely,andreachingouttooneanother.IfeellikeI’mattendingaterrificbashthat’sbeengoingonforhours.

Notawordneedbespoken

TheHello Old Friend technique even supersedes language.Whenever you’retravellingincountrieswhereyoudon’tspeakthenativetongue,besuretouseit.If you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a languageunknowntoyou,justimaginethemtobeagroupofyouroldfriends.EverythingisfineexcepttheymomentarilyforgothowtospeakEnglish.Inspiteofthefactyouwon’tunderstandaword,yourwholebodystillrespondswithcongenialityandacceptance.I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while travelling in Europe.

SometimesmyEnglish-speaking friendswho live there tellme theirEuropeancolleaguessayIamthefriendliestAmericanthey’veevermet.Yet,we’dneverspokenawordbetweenus!

Aself-fulfillingprophesy

AnaddedbenefittotheHelloOldFriendtechniqueisitbecomesaself-fulfillingprophesy.When you act as though you like someone, you start to really likethem. An Adelphi University study called, appropriately, ‘Believing AnotherLikesorDislikesYou:BehavioursMakingtheBeliefsComeTrue’provedit.10Researchers toldvolunteers to treatunsuspectingsubjectsas though they likedthem. When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up

genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed.These respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for thevolunteerswhopretendedtheylikedthem.Whatitboilsdowntois:Lovebegetslove,likebegetslike,respectbegetsrespect.UsetheHelloOldFriendtechniqueandyouwill soonhavemanynew‘old friends’whowindupgenuinely likingyou.

You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as aSomebody,afriendlySomebody.Butyourjobisn’toveryet.Inadditiontobeingliked,youwanttoappearcredible,intelligent,andsureofyourself.Eachofthenextthreetechniquesaccomplishesoneofthosegoals.

Howtocomeacrossas100percentcredible

Ihaveafriend,ahighlyrespectedheadhunternamedHelen.Helenmakesterrifichires for her clients. I once asked her the secret of her success. She said,‘ProbablybecauseIcanalmostalwaystellwhenanapplicantislying.’‘Howcanyoutell?’She said, ‘Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young woman for a

position asmarketing director for a small firm. Throughout the interview, theapplicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right. Her handswerecomfortablyrestinginherlapandshewaslookingdirectlyatme.‘Iaskedhersalary.Withoutswervinghereyesfrommine,shetoldme.Iasked

if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at me, she said, “yes.” Then Iaskedherwhysheleftherpreviousjob.’Helen said, ‘At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining

eyecontactwithme.Then,whileansweringmyquestion,sheshiftedinherseatandcrossedherrightlegoverherleft.Atonepoint,sheputherhandsuptohermouth.’Helensaid, ‘That’sall Ineeded.Withherwordsshewas tellingmeshe felt

her“growthopportunitieswerelimitedatherpreviousfirm.”Butherbodytoldmeshewasnotbeingentirelyforthright.’Helenwentontoexplaintheyoungwoman’sfidgetingalonewouldn’tprove

shewaslying.Nevertheless,itwasenough,shesaid,thatshewantedtopursuethesubjectfurther.Helencontinued,‘SoItestedit.Ichangedthesubjectandwentbacktomore

neutral territory. I asked her about her goals for the future. Again, the girlstopped fidgeting. She folded her hands in her lap as she toldme how she’dalwayswantedtoworkinasmallcompanyinordertohavehands-onexperiencewithmorethanoneproject.

‘ThenIrepeatedmyearlierquestion.Iaskedagainifitwasonly thelackofgrowthopportunitythatmadeherleaveherpreviousposition.Sureenough,onceagain,thewomanshiftedinherseatandmomentarilybrokeeyecontact.Asshecontinuedtalkingaboutherlastjob,shestartedrubbingherforearm.’Helencontinuedtoprobeuntilshefinallyuncoveredthetruth.Theapplicant

had been fired due to a nasty disagreement with the marketing director sheworkedfor.Human resources professionalswho interviewapplicants andpolice officers

who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies. They knowspecificallywhatsignalstolookfor.Therestofus,althoughnotknowledgeableaboutspecificcluestodeceit,haveasixthsensewhensomeoneisnottellingusthetruth.Justrecentlyacolleagueofminewasconsideringhiringanin-housebooking

agent.Afterinterviewingonefellowshesaidtome,‘Idon’tknow.Idon’treallythinkhehasthesuccessheclaims.’‘Youthinkhe’slyingtoyou?’Iasked.‘Absolutely.AndthefunnythingisIcan’ttellwhy.Helookedrightatme.He

answeredallmyquestionsdirectly.Therewas just something thatdidn’t seemright.’Employers often feel thisway. They have a gut feeling about someone but

theycan’tputtheirfingeronit.Becauseofthat,manylargecompaniesturntothepolygraph.Thepolygraph,orliedetector,isamechanicalapparatusdesignedtodetectifsomeoneislying.Banks,chemists,andgrocerystoresrelyheavilyonit forpre-employment screening.TheFBI, JusticeDepartment, andmostpolicedepartmentshaveusedthepolygraphonsuspects.Andtheinterestingpartisthepolygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can do is detectfluctuations in our autonomic nervous system– changes in breathing patterns,sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood pressure, and other signs of emotionalarousal.So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when the average

person tellsa lie,heorshe isemotionallyarousedandbodilychangesdo takeplace.Whenthathappens,theyfidget.Experiencedortrainedliars,however,canfoolthepolygraph.

Bewaretheappearanceoflying,evenwhenyou’retellingthetruth

Problems arise for us when we are not lying, but are feeling emotional orintimidatedbythepersonwearetalkingwith.Ayoungmantellinganattractivewoman about his business success might shift his weight. A woman talkingabouthercompany’strackrecordtoanimportantclientcouldrubherneck.Moreproblemsariseoutoftheatmosphere.Abusinessmanwhodoesn’tfeel

nervousatallcouldloosenhiscollarbecausetheroomishot.Apoliticiangivingaspeechoutdoorscouldblinkexcessivelybecausetheairisdusty.Eventhougherroneous,thesefidgetymovementsgivetheirlistenersthesensesomethingjustisn’trightoragutfeelingthey’relying.Professionalcommunicatorsarealerttothishazard.Theyconsciouslysquelch

anysignsanyonecouldmistakeforshiftiness.Theyfixaconstantgazeontheirlistener.Theyneverputtheirhandsontheirfaces.Theydon’tmassagetheirarmwhenit tingles,or rub theirnosewhenit itches.Theydon’t loosen theircollarwhenit’shotorblinkbecauseit’ssandy.Theydon’twipeawaytinyperspirationbeadsinpublicorshieldtheireyesfromthesun.Theysufferbecausetheyknowfidgeting undermines credibility. Consider the infamous September 25, 1960,televised US presidential debate between Richard Milhous Nixon and JohnFitzgerald Kennedy. Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack of make-up, hisfidgetingandmoppinghisbrowoncameralosthimtheelection.

Technique7:

LimitthefidgetWhenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your eartingle,oryourfootprickle.Donotfidget,twitch,wiggle,squirm,orscratch.And above all, keep your paws away fromyour face.Handmotions nearyour face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’refibbing.

IfyouwanttocomeacrossasanentirelycredibleSomebody,trytosquelchallextraneous movement when your communication counts. I call the techniqueLimittheFidget.

Nowlet’stackleintelligence.‘What?’youask.‘Canpeoplecomeacrossasmoreintelligent than they reallyare?’Well,didyoueverhearofHans, thecountinghorse?Hanswasconsideredthemostintelligenthorseinhistory,andheusedthetechniqueI’mabouttosuggest.

Howtomakethemsay‘you’vegothorsesense’

Ahorse,averycleverhorsenamedHans,inspiresthisnexttechnique.Hanswasowned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to do simplearithmeticbytappinghisrightfronthoof.SoprodigiouswasHans’sabilitythatthe horse’s fame quickly spread throughout Europe in the early 1900s. HebecameknownasCleverHans,thecountinghorse.HerrvonOsten taughtHans todomore than justadd.Soon thehorsecould

subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the multiplicationtables. The horse became quite a phenomenon.Without his owner uttering asingle word, Hans could count out the size of his audience, tap the numberwearingglasses,orrespondtoanycountingquestiontheyaskedhim.Finally,Hansachievedtheultimateability thatseparatesmanfromanimal–

language.Hans‘learned’thealphabet.Bytappingouthoofbeatsforeachletter,he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper orheard on the radio. He could even answer common questions about history,geography,andhumanbiology.Hansmadeheadlinesandwas themain topicofdiscussionatdinnerparties

throughout Europe. The ‘human horse’ quickly attracted the attention ofscientists,psychologyprofessors,veterinarians,evencavalryofficers.Naturallytheyweresceptical,sotheyestablishedanofficialcommissiontodecidewhetherthe horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius. Whatever theirsuspicions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Compared tootherhorses,HanswasaSomebody.Cuttotoday.Whyisitwhenyoutalkwithcertainindividualsyoujustknow

theyaresmarterthanotherpeople–thattheyareaSomebody?Oftenthey’renotdiscussing highfalutin’ subjects or using long words. Nevertheless, everybodyknows.Peoplesay,‘She’ssmartasawhip,’‘Hedoesn’tmissatrick,’‘Shepicks

up on everything,’ ‘He’s got the right stuff,’ ‘She’s got horse sense.’ WhichbringsusbacktoHans.The day of the big test arrived. Everyonewas convinced itmust be a trick

orchestratedbyHerrvonOsten,Hans’sowner.Therewasstandingroomonlyintheauditoriumfilledwithscientists, reporters,clairvoyants,psychicsandhorseloverswhoeagerlyawaited theanswer.Thecannycommissionmemberswereconfident thiswas theday theywouldexposeHansaschicanerybecause they,too,hadatrickuptheirsleeves.TheyweregoingtobarvonOstenfromthehallandputhishorsetothetestallalone.When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave the

auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans was stranded in anauditoriumwithasuspiciousandanxiousaudience.TheconfidentcommissionleaderaskedHansthefirstmathematicalquestion.

Hetappedouttherightanswer!Asecond.Hegotitright!Thenathird.Thenthelanguagequestionsfollowed.Hegotthemallright!Thecommissionwasbefuddled.Thecriticsweresilenced.However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted on a new

commission. The world waited while, once again, the authorities gatheredscientists,professors,veterinarians,cavalryofficers,and reporters fromaroundtheworld.OnlyafterthissecondcommissionputHanstothetestdidthetruthaboutthe

clever horse come out. Commission number two started the enquiryperfunctorily with a simple addition problem. This time, however, instead ofaskingthequestionoutloudforalltohear,oneresearcherwhisperedanumberin Hans’s ear, and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expectedHans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha! Theresearchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you guess what thatwas?Here’sahint:whentheaudienceorresearcherknewtheanswer,Hansdid,too.

Nowcanyouguess?People gave off very subtle body-language signals themomentHans’s hoof

gave the right number of taps. When Hans started tapping the answer to aquestion, the audiencewould show subtle signs of tension. Then, whenHansreached the right number, they responded by an expulsion of breath or slightrelaxationofmuscles.VonOstenhadtrainedHanstostoptappingatthatpoint,andthereforeappeartogivetherightanswer.

Hans was using the technique I callHans’s Horse Sense. He watched hisaudiences’reactionsverycarefullyandplannedhisresponsesaccordingly.

Ifahorsecandoit,socanyou

HaveyoueverbeenwatchingTVwhenthephonerings?Someoneasksyoutohitthemutebuttononthetelevisionsotheycantalk.Becausethere’snosoundnow, you watch the TV action more carefully. You see performers smiling,scowling,smirking,squinting,andscoresofotherexpressions.Youdon’tmissabit of the story because, just from their expressions, you can tellwhat they’rethinking.Hans’sHorseSenseisjustthat–watchingpeople,seeinghowthey’rereacting,and thenmakingyourmovesaccordingly.Evenwhileyou’re talking,keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they’re responding to whatyou’resaying.Don’tmissatrick.Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what

they’rehearing.Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched?

Maybetheydon’t.Aretheyrubbingtheirnecks?Aretheysteppingback?Aretheirfeetpointing

towardthedoor?Maybetheywanttogetaway.Youdon’tneedacompletecourseinbodylanguagehere.Alreadyyourlife’s

experiencehasgivenyouagoodgrounding in that.Mostpeopleknow if theirConversation Partners step back or look away, they’re not interested in whatyou’resaying.Whentheythinkyou’reapaininthenecktheyrubtheirs.Whentheyfeelsuperiortoyou,theysteepletheirhands.We’ll explore more body-language specifics in Technique # 77: Eyeball

Selling.For themoment,allyouneed todo is tune to thesilentchannelbeingbroadcastbythespeaker.

Technique8:

Hans’shorsesenseMake it ahabit togetonadual trackwhile talking.Expressyourself,butkeep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying.Thenplanyourmovesaccordingly.If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on

everything.Younevermissatrick.You’vegothorsesense.

Younowhaveeighttechniquestohelpyoucomeacrossasaconfident,credible,and charismatic personwhomakes everyone he or she comes in contactwithfeel like amillion.Let’s exploreone last technique in this section toput it alltogetherandmakesureyoudon’tmissabeat.

Howtomakesureyoudon’tmissabeat

You’veseenprofessionalskiingontelevision?Theathleteatthetopofthepiste,everymuscleprimedandpoised,waitingfor theguntopropelhimtoultimatevictory. Look deeply into his eyes and you’ll see he is having an out-of-bodyexperience. Inhismind’s eye, the skier is swooshingdown the slope, zappingbackandforthbetweenthepoles,andslidingacrossthefinishlineinfastertimethantheworldthoughtpossible.Theathleteisvisualizing.All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers, lugers,

swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic before performing it.They see their own bodies bending, twisting, flipping, flying through the air.Theyhearthesoundofthewind,thesplashinthewater,thewhirrofthejavelin,the thud of its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust.Beforetheymoveamuscle,professionalathleteswatchthewholemovie,which,ofcourse,endsintheirownvictory.Sportspsychologists tellusvisualizationisnot justfor top-levelcompetitive

athletes. Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen theirgolf,theirtennis,theirrunning,whatevertheirfavouriteactivity.Expertsagreeifyousee thepictures,hear thesounds,andfeel themovementsofyourbody inyourmindbeforeyoudotheactivity,theeffectispowerful.

‘Twenty-sixmilesonmymattress’

Psychological mumbo jumbo? Absolutely not! I have a friend, Richard, whorunsmarathons.Once,severalyearsago,ascantthreeweeksbeforethebigNewYorkmarathon,anout-of-controlcarcrashedintoRichard’sandhewastakento

thehospital.Hewasnotbadlyinjured.Nevertheless,hisfriendsweresorryforhimbecausebeinglaiduptwoweeksinbedwould,naturally,knockhimoutofthebigevent.Whatasurprisewhen,onthatcrispNovembermarathonmorninginCentral

Park,Richardshowedupinhislittleshortsandbigrunningshoes.‘Richard,areyoucrazy?You’reinnoshapetorun.You’vebeeninbedthese

pastfewweeks!’weallcriedout.‘Mybodymayhavebeeninbed,’hereplied,‘butI’vebeenrunning.’‘What?’weaskedinunison.‘Yep. Every day. Twenty-sixmiles, 385 yards, right there onmymattress.’

Richardexplainedthatinhisimaginationhesawhimselftraversingeverystepofthe course. He saw the sights, heard the sounds, and felt the twitchingmovementsinhismuscles.Hevisualizedhimselfracinginthemarathon.Richard didn’t do as well as he had the year before, but the miracle is he

finishedthemarathon,withoutinjury,withoutexcessivefatigue.Itwasallduetovisualization.Visualizationworksinjustaboutanyendeavouryouapplyitto–includingbeingaterrificcommunicator.Visualizationworksbestwhenyoufeeltotallyrelaxed.Onlywhenyouhavea

calmstateofmindcanyougetclear,vividimages.Doyourvisualizationinthequietofyourhomeorcarbeforeleavingfortheparty,theconvention,orthebig-dealmeeting.Seeitallinyourmind’seyeaheadoftime.

Technique9:

WatchthescenebeforeyoumakethesceneRehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SeeyourselfwalkingaroundwithHangbyYourTeeth posture, shakinghands,smilingtheFloodingSmile,andmakingStickyEyes.Hearyourselfchattingcomfortablywitheveryone.Feel thepleasureofknowingyouare inpeakform and everyone is gravitating toward you.Visualize yourself a SuperSomebody.Thenitallhappensautomatically.

Younowhavetheskillsnecessarytogetyoustartedontherightfootwithanynewperson inyour life.Thinkofyourself in thesefirstmoments likea rockettakingoff.When the folks atCapeKennedy aima spacecraft for themoon, amistake in themillionthofadegreeat thebeginning,whenthecraft isstillonthe ground,meansmissing themoon by thousands ofmiles. Likewise, a tiny

body-languageblooperattheoutsetofarelationshipmaymeanyouwillnevermakeahitwiththatperson.ButwithFloodingSmile,StickyEyes,EpoxyEyes,HangbyYourTeeth,Big-BabyPivot,HelloOldFriend,LimittheFidget,Hans’sHorseSenseandWatchtheSceneBeforeYouMaketheScene,you’llberightoncourse to get whatever you eventually want from anybody – be it business,friendship,orlove.Wenowmovefromthesilentworldtothespokenword.

Justasthefirstglimpseshouldpleasetheireyes,yourfirstwordsshoulddelighttheir ears.Your tongue is awelcomemat embossedwith either ‘Welcome’ or‘GoAway!’TomakeyourConversationPartnerfeelwelcome,youmustmastersmalltalk.Small talk!Can you hear the shudder?Those two littlewords drive a stake

intotheheartsofsomeotherwisefearlessandundauntedsouls.Invitethemtoaparty where they don’t know anyone, and it mainlines queasiness into theirveins.If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the brighter the

individual, themoreheor shedetests small talk.Whenconsulting forFortune500 companies, I was astounded. Top executives, completely comfortablemakingbig talkwith theirboardsofdirectorsoraddressing theirstockholders,confessed they felt like little lost childrenatpartieswhere thepratterwas lessthanprodigious.Small-talkhaters, take furtherconsolation fromthe fact thatyouare instar-

studded company. Fear of small talk and stage fright are the same thing. Thebutterfliesyoufeelinyourstomachwhenyou’reinaroomfulofstrangersflutteraroundthetummiesoftopperformers.PabloCasalscomplainedoflifelongstagefright.CarlySimoncurtailedliveperformancesbecauseofit.AfriendofminewhoworkedwithNeilDiamondsaidheinsistedthewordsto‘SongSungBlue,’

atunehe’dbeencrooningforfortyyears,bedisplayedonhisteleprompter,lestfearfreezehimintoforgetfulness.

Issmall-talk-o-phobiacurable?

Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable with drugs.They’realreadyexperimentingwithProzactochangepeople’spersonalities.Butsome fear disastrous side effects. The good news is that when human beingsthink,andgenuinelyfeel,certainemotions–likeconfidencetheyhavespecifictechniquestofallbackon–thebrainmanufacturesitsownantidotes.Iffearanddistasteofsmall talk is thedisease,knowingsolid techniques like theonesweexploreinthissectionisthecure.Incidentally, science is beginning to recognize it’s not chance or even

upbringingthatonepersonhasabellyofbutterfliesandanotherdoesn’t.Inourbrains,neuronscommunicatethroughchemicalscalledneurotransmitters.Somepeople have excessive levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, achemical cousin of adrenaline. For some children, just walking into akindergartenroommakesthemwanttorunandhideunderatable.As a tot, I spent a lot of time under the table.As a pre-teen in an all-girls

boardingschool,mylegsturnedtospaghettieverytimeIhadtoconversewithamale.Inhighschool,Ioncehadtoinviteaboytoourschoolprom.Theentireselectionofdancingmales lived in thedormitoryofourbrother school.And Ionly knew one resident, Eugene. I hadmet Eugene at summer camp the yearbefore.Musteringallmycourage,Idecidedtocallhim.Twoweeksbefore thedance, I felt theonsetof sweatypalms. Iput thecall

off.Oneweekbefore,rapidheartbeatsetin.Iputthecalloff.Finally,threedaysbeforethebigbash,breathingbecamedifficult.Timewasrunningout.Thecriticalmoment,Irationalized,wouldbeeasierifIreadfromascript.I

wrote out the following: ‘Hi, this is Leil. We met at camp last summer.Remember?’(IprogrammedinapausewhereIhopedhewouldsayyes.)‘Well,NationalCathedralSchool’spromis thisSaturdaynightandI’d likeyou tobemydate.’(IprogrammedinanotherpausewhereIprayedhe’dsayyes.)OnThursdaybeforethedance,Icouldnolongerdelaytheinevitable.Ipicked

upthereceiveranddialled.ClutchingthephonewaitingforEugenetoanswer,my eyes followed perspiration droplets rolling downmy arm and dripping offmyelbow.A small saltypuddlewas forming aroundmy feet. ‘Hello?’ a sexy,deepmalevoiceansweredthedormphone.

In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice telemarketer, Ishotout,‘Hi,thisisLeil.We-met-at-camp–last-summer-remember?’Forgettingtopause forhisassent, I racedon, ‘Well-National-Cathedral-School’s-prom-is-this-Saturday-night-and-I’d-like-you-to-be-my-date.’Tomyreliefanddelight,Iheardabig,cheerful‘Ohthat’sgreat,I’dloveto!’I

exhaledmy first normal breath all day.He continued, ‘I’ll pick you up at thegirl’sdormatseventhirty.I’llhaveapinkcarnationforyou.Willthatgowithyourdress?AndmynameisDonnie.’Donnie?Donnie!WhosaidanythingaboutDonnie?Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade. Donnie had

buckteeth, a head full of tousled red hair, and communications skills thatimmediatelyputmeatease.OnSaturdaynight,Donniegreetedmeatthedoor,carnationinhandandgrin

onface.Hejokedself-deprecatinglyabouthowhewasdyingtogotothepromso,knowingitwasacaseofmistakenidentity,heacceptedanyway.Hetoldmehe was thrilled when ‘the girl with the lovely voice’ called, and he took fullresponsibilityfor‘tricking’meintoaninvitation.Donniemademecomfortableandconfidentaswechatted.Firstwemadesmalltalkandthenhegraduallyledmeintosubjects Iwas interested in. I flippedoverDonnie,andhebecamemyveryfirstboyfriend.Donnieinstinctivelyhadthesmall-talkskillsthatwearenowgoingtofashion

into techniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot knife throughbutter.Whenyoumasterthem,youwillbeable,likeDonnie,tomelttheheartofeveryoneyoutouch.ThegoalofHowtoTalktoAnyoneisnot,ofcourse,tomakeyouasmall-talk

whiz and stop there.The aim is tomakeyou a dynamic conversationalist andforcefulcommunicator.However,small talkis thefirstcrucialsteptowardthatgoal.

Howtostartaconversationwithoutstranglingit

You’vebeenthere.You’reintroducedtosomeoneatapartyorbusinessmeeting.You shake hands, your eyes meet … and suddenly your entire body ofknowledgedriesupand thoughtprocessescome toa screechinghalt.You fishfora topic tofill theawkwardsilence.Failing,yournewcontactslipsawayinthedirectionofthecheesetray.Wewantthefirstwordsfallingfromourlipstobesparkling,witty,insightful.

Wewantourlistenerstoimmediatelyrecognizehowrivetingweare.Iwasonceatagatheringwhereeverybodywassparkling,witty, insightful,andriveting.Itdrovemeberserkbecausemostofthesesameeverybodiesfelttheyhadtoproveitintheirfirsttenwordsorless!Severalyearsago,theMensaorganization,asocialgroupofextremelybright

individualswhoscoreinthecountry’stop2percentinintelligence,invitedmetobeakeynotespeakerat theirannualconvention.TheircocktailpartywasinfullswinginthelobbyofthehotelasIarrived.Aftercheckingin,Ihauledmybagsthroughthehoardofhappy-hourMensanstothelift.ThedoorsseparatedandIsteppedintoaliftpackedwithpartygoers.Aswebeganthejourneyuptoourrespectivefloors,theliftgaveseveralsleepyjerks.‘Hmm,’ I remarked, in response to the lift’s sluggishness, ‘the lift seems a

littleflaky.’Suddenly,eachelevatoroccupant,feelingcompelledtoexhibithisorher 132-plus IQ, pounced forthwith a thunderous explanation. ‘It’s obviouslygotpoor rail-guidealignment,’ announcedone. ‘The relay contact isnotmadeup,’ declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshopper trapped in a stereospeaker.Icouldn’twaittoescapetheattackofthementalgiants.Afterward, in thesolitudeofmyroom,I thoughtbackandreflected that the

Mensan’s answers were, indeed, interesting.Why then did I have an adversereaction?

I realized it was too much, too soon. I was tired. Their high energy andintensityjarredmysluggishstate.Yousee,smalltalkisnotaboutfactsorwords.It’saboutmusic,aboutmelody.

Small talk isaboutputtingpeopleatease. It’saboutmakingcomfortingnoisestogetherlikecatspurring,childrenhumming,orgroupschanting.Youmustfirstmatchyourlistener’smood.Like repeating the note on the music teacher’s harmonica, Top

Communicatorspickupontheirlistener’stoneofvoiceandduplicateit.Insteadofjumpinginwithsuchintensity,theMensanscouldhavemomentarilymatchedmylethargicmoodbysaying,‘Yes,it isslow,isn’t it?’Hadtheythenprefacedtheirinformationwith,‘Haveyoueverbeencuriouswhyanelevatorisslow?’Iwouldhaverespondedwithasincere‘Yes,Ihave.’Afteramomentofequalizedenergy levels, I would havewelcomed their explanations about the rail-guardalignmentorwhatevertheheckitwas.Andfriendshipsmighthavestarted.I’msureyou’vesufferedtheaggressionofamoodmismatch.Haveyouever

been relaxing when some overexcited hot-breathed colleague starts poundingyouwithquestions?Orthereverse:you’re late,rushingtoameeting,whenanassociatestopsyouandstartslazilynarratingalong,languorousstory.Nomatterhowinterestingthetale,youdon’twanttohearitnow.Thefirststepinstartingaconversationwithoutstranglingitistomatchyour

listener’smood,ifonlyforasentenceortwo.Whenitcomestosmalltalk,thinkmusic, notwords. Is your listener adagioor allegro?Match that pace. I call itmakingaMoodMatch.

Matchingthemoodcanmakeorbreakthesale

Matchingcustomers’moodsiscrucialforsalespeople.Someyearsago,Idecidedto throwasurpriseparty formybest friendStella. Itwasgoing tobea triple-whammy party because shewas celebrating three events. One, it was Stella’sbirthday. Two, she was newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed herdreamjob.ShehadbeenmybuddysinceourschooldaysandIwasfloatingonairoverherbirthday-engagement-congratulationsbash.IhadheardoneofthebestFrenchrestaurantsintownhadanattractiveback

room for parties. About 5 P.M. one afternoon, I wafted happily into therestaurantandfoundtheseatedmaitred’languidlylookingoverhisreservationbook. IbeganexcitedlybabblingaboutStella’s triple-whammycelebrationandaskedtoseethatfabulousbackroomI’dheardsomuchabout.Withoutasmile

ormovingamuscle,hesaid,‘Zeeroomeeseenzeeback.Youcangozeeeeteefyoulike.’CRASH.Whatapartypooper!Hismorosemoodkickedallthepartyspiritout

ofme,andInolongerwantedtorenthisstupidspace.BeforeIevenlookedattheroom,helosttherental.Ilefthisrestaurantvowingtofindaplacewherethemanagementwouldatleastappeartosharethejoyofthehappyoccasion.Everymother knows this instinctively.Toquiet awhimpering infant,mama

doesn’tjustshakeherfingerandshout,‘Quietdown.’No,mamapicksbabyup.Mamacries,‘Ooh,ooh,oh,’sympatheticallymatchingbaby’smiseryforafewmoments. Mama then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hushhappysounds.Your listenersareallbigbabies!Match theirmood ifyouwantthemtostopcrying,startbuying,orcomearoundtoyourwayofthinking.

Technique10:

MakeamoodmatchBeforeopeningyourmouth,takea‘voicesample’ofyourlistenertodetecthisorherstateofmind.Takea‘psychicphotograph’oftheexpressiontoseeifyour listener looksbuoyant,bored,orblitzed. Ifyoueverwant tobringpeoplearoundtoyourthoughts,youmustmatchtheirmoodandvoicetone,ifonlyforamoment.

‘What’sagoodopeninglinewhenImeetpeople?’

IwasonceatapartywhereIspottedafellowsurroundedbyafanclubofavidlisteners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, obviously enthralling hisaudience.Iwentovertohearkentothisfascinatingspeaker.Ijoinedhisthrongofadmirersandeavesdroppedforaminuteortwo.Suddenly,itdawnedonme:thefellowwassayingthemostbanalthings!Hisscriptwasdull,dull,dull.Ah,buthewasdeliveringhisprosaicobservationswithsuchpassion.Therefore,heheldthegroupspellbound.Itconvincedmethatit’snotallwhatyousay,it’showyousayit.Oftenpeopleaskme,‘What’sagoodopeninglinewhenImeetpeople?’Igive

themthesameanswerawomanwhoonceworkedinmyofficealwaysgaveme.Dottie often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I wasleaving for the sandwich shop, I’d askher, ‘HeyDottie,what can I bringyoubackforlunch?’Dottie,tryingtobeobliging,wouldsay,‘Ohanythingisfinewithme.’‘No,Dottie!’Iwantedtoscream.‘Tellmewhatyouwant.Hamandcheese?

ChickenSaladwithmayonnaise?Peanutbutterwithslicedbananas?Bespecific.Anythingisahassle.’Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line question is

‘Anything!’becausealmostanythingyousay really isOK–as longas itputspeopleateaseandsoundspassionate.Howdoyouputpeopleatease?ByconvincingthemtheyareOKandthatthe

two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear,suspicion,andmistrust.

Whybanalmakesabond

Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and brilliantlinguisticanalystofJapaneseorigin.Hetellsusthisstorythatshowsthevalueof,ashesays,‘unoriginalremarks.’11Inearly1942, a fewweeksafter thebeginningofWorldWar II– at a time

when there were rumours of Japanese spies – Hayakawa had to wait severalhoursinarailroadstationinOshkosh,Wisconsin.Henoticedotherswaitinginthe station were staring at him suspiciously. Because of the war, they wereapprehensiveabouthispresence.Helaterwrote,‘Onecouplewithasmallchildwasstaringwithspecialuneasinessandwhisperingtoeachother.’SowhatdidHayakawado?Hemadeunoriginalremarkstosetthematease.

Hesaidtothehusbandthatitwastoobadthetrainshouldbelateonsocoldanight.Themanagreed.‘Iwenton,’Hayakawawrote,‘toremarkthatitmustbeespeciallydifficultto

travelwithasmallchildinwinterwhentrainschedulesweresouncertain.Againthehusband agreed. I then asked the child’s age and remarked that their childlookedverybigandstrongforhisage.Againagreement,thistimewithaslightsmile.Thetensionwasrelaxing.After two or threemore exchanges, theman askedHayakawa, ‘I hope you

don’tmindmybringingitup,butyou’reJapanese,aren’tyou?DoyouthinktheJapshaveanychanceofwinningthiswar?’‘Well,’Hayakawareplied,‘yourguess isasgoodasmine.Idon’tknowany

more than I read in the papers. But the way I figure it, I don’t see how theJapanese,withtheirlackofcoalandsteelandoil…caneverbeatapowerfullyindustrializednationliketheUnitedStates.’Hayakawa went on, ‘My remark was admittedly neither original nor well

informed.Hundredsofradiocommentators…weresayingmuchthesamethingduringthoseweeks.Butjustbecausetheywere,theremarksoundedfamiliarandwasontherightsidesothatitwaseasytoagreewith.’TheWisconsinmanagreedatoncewithwhatseemedlikegenuinerelief.His

nextremarkwas,‘Say,Ihopeyourfolksaren’tovertherewhilethewarisgoingon.’‘Yes, they are,’ Hayakawa replied. ‘My father and mother and two young

sistersareoverthere.’‘Doyoueverhearfromthem?’themanasked.‘HowcanI?’Hayakawaanswered.

Both themanandhiswife looked troubledand sympathetic. ‘Doyoumeanyouwon’tbeabletoseethemorhearfromthemuntilafterthewarisover?’Therewasmoretotheconversationbuttheresultwas,withintenminutesthey

hadinvitedHayakawa–whomtheyinitiallymayhavesuspectedwasaJapanesespy–tovisitthemsometimeintheircityandhavedinnerintheirhome.Andallbecauseofthisbrilliantscholar’sadmittedlycommonandunoriginalsmalltalk.TopCommunicatorsknowthemostsoothingandappropriatefirstwordsshouldbe, like Senator Hayakawa’s, unoriginal, even banal. But not indifferent.Hayakawadeliveredhissentimentswithsincerityandpassion.

Ascentfrombanality

There is no need, of course, to stay withmundane remarks. If you find yourcompany displays cleverness or wit, you match that. The conversation thenescalatesnaturally,compatibly.Don’trushitor,liketheMensans,youseemlikeyou’reshowingoff.Thebottomlineonyourfirstwordsistohavethecourageofyourown triteness.Because, remember,people tune in toyour tonemore thanyourtext.

Technique11:

ProsaicwithpassionWorriedaboutyourfirstwords?Fearnot,since80percentofyourlistener’simpressionhasnothingtodowithyourwordsanyway.Almostanythingyousayat first is fine.Nomatterhowprosaic the text,anempatheticmood,apositivedemeanour,andpassionatedeliverymakeyousoundexciting.

‘Anything,exceptliverwurst!’

BacktoDottiewaitingforhersandwichatherdesk.SometimesasIwalkedoutthedoor scratchingmyheadwonderingwhat tobringher, she’dcallafterme,‘Anything,exceptliverwurst,thatis.’Thanks,Dottie,that’salittlebitofhelp.Here’smy ‘anything, except liverwurst’ on small talk.Anything you say is

fineaslongasitisnotcomplaining,rude,orunpleasant.Ifthefirstwordsoutofyour mouth are a complaint, BLAM, people label you a complainer. Why?Becausethatcomplaintisyournewacquaintance’s100percentsamplingofyou

so far.You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but howwill they know? Ifyourfirstcommentisacomplaint,you’reagriper.Ifyourfirstwordsarerude,you’re a creep. If your firstwords are unpleasant, you’re a stinker.Open andshut.Otherthanthesedowners,anythinggoes.Askthemwherethey’refrom,how

they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they’rewearing–orhundredsofetceteras.Thetrickistoaskyourprosaicquestionwithpassiontogettheotherpersontalking.Stillfeelabitshakyonmakingtheapproachtostrangers?Let’stakeaquick

detour on our road to meaningful communicating. I’ll give you three quickietechniquestomeetpeopleatparties–thenninemoretomakesmalltalknotsosmall.

What’saWhatzit?

Singles proficient at meeting potential sweethearts without the benefit ofintroduction(inthevernacular,makinga‘pickup’),havedevelopedadeliciouslydevious technique that works equally well for social or corporate networkingpurposes. The technique requires no exceptional skill on your part, only thecouragetosportasimplevisualpropcalledaWhatzit.What’saWhatzit?AWhatzitisanythingyouwearorcarrythatisunusual–a

uniquepin,aninterestingpurse,astrangetie,anamusinghat.AWhatzitisanyobjectthatdrawspeople’sattentionandinspiresthemtoapproachyouandask,‘Uh,what’sthat?’YourWhatzitcanbeassubtleorovertasyourpersonalityandtheoccasionpermit.Iweararoundmyneckanoutmodedpairofglasses thatresemblesadouble

monocle. Often the curious have approached me at a gathering and asked,‘Whatzit?’ I explain it’s a lorgnette left tome bymy grandmother, which, ofcourse,pavesthewaytodiscusshatredofglasses,ageingeyes, loveor lossofgrandmothers,adorationofantiquejewellery–anywaytheinquisitorwantstotakeit.Perhaps, unknowingly, you have fallen prey to this soon-to-be-legendary

technique.Atagathering,haveyouevernoticedsomeoneyouwouldliketotalkto?Thenyou’verackedyourbraintoconjureanexcusetomaketheapproach.Whatabountyitwastodiscoverthatheorshewaswearingsomeweird,wild,orwonderfulsomethingyoucouldcommenton.

TheWhatzitwaytolove

YourWhatzitisasocialaidwhetheryouseekbusinessrewardsornewromance.Ihaveafriend,Alexander,whocarriesGreekworrybeadswithhimwhereverhe

goes.He’s notworried.He knows anywomanwhowants to talk to himwillcomeupandsay,‘What’sthat?’Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose you’re at a party.An attractivewoman

spotsyouacross the room.Shewants to talk toyoubut she’s thinking, ‘Well,Mister,you’reattractive.But,golly,whatcanIsaytoyou?Youjustain’tgotnoWhatzit.’

BeaWhatzitseeker,too

Likewise, become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you wish toapproach. Why not express interest in the handkerchief in the tycoon’s vestpocket,thebroochonthebosomoftherichdivorcée,ortheschoolringonthefingeroftheDirectorwhosecompanyyouwanttoworkfor?Thebigspenderwho,yoususpect,mightbuyahundredofyourwidgetshasa

tiny golf-club lapel pin? Say, ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice yourattractivelapelpin.Areyouagolfer?Me,too.Whatcourseshaveyouplayed?’YourbusinesscardsandyourWhatzitarecrucialsocializingartifacts.Whether

youareridingintheelevator,climbingthedoorstep,ortraversingthepathtotheparty,makesureyourWhatzitishangingoutforalltosee.

Technique12:

AlwayswearaWhatzitWheneveryougo toagathering,wearorcarrysomethingunusual togivepeople who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room anexcusetoapproach.‘Excuseme,Icouldn’thelpbutnoticeyour…whatISthat?’

Thenext quickie techniquewas originated bydoggedly determinedpoliticianswhodon’t letonepartygoerescape if they thinkheor shecouldbehelpful totheircampaigns.IcallittheWhoozattechnique.

Whattodowhenhe’sgotnoWhatzit

Sayyouhavescrutinizedthebodyoftheimportantbusinesscontactyouwanttomeet.You’vesearchedinvainfromthetipofhiscowlicktothetoesofhisboots.He’snotsportingasingleWhatzit.Ifyoustrikeoutonfindingsomethingtocommenton,resorttotheWhoozat

technique. Like a persistent politician, go to the party giver and say, ‘Thatman/woman over there looks interesting. Who is he/she?’ Then ask for anintroduction.Don’tbehesitant.Thepartygiverwillbepleasedyoufindoneoftheguestsinteresting.If,however,youareloathetopullthepartygiverawayfromhisorherother

guests, you still can perform Whoozat. This time, don’t ask for a formalintroduction.Simplypumpthepartygiverforjustenoughinformationtolaunchyou.Findoutaboutthestranger’sjobs,interests,hobbies.Supposethepartygiversays,‘Oh,that’sJoeSmith.I’mnotsurewhathisjob

is,butIknowhelovestoski.’Aha,you’vejustbeengiventheicebreakeryouneed.NowyoumakeabeelineforJoeSmith.‘Hi,you’reJoeSmith,aren’tyou?Susanwasjusttellingmewhatagreatskieryouare.Wheredoyouski?’Yougettheidea.

Technique13:

Whoozat?Whoozatisthemosteffective,leastused(bynonpoliticians)meeting-peopledeviceevercontrived.Simplyaskthepartygivertomaketheintroduction,orpumpforafewfactsthatyoucanimmediatelyturnintoicebreakers.

Nowthethirdinourlittletrioofmeeting-who-you-wanttricks.

‘IjustthoughtI’deavesdropinandsay“hello”’

Thewomanyou’vedecidedyouMUSTmeetiswearingnoWhatzit?Can’tfindthe host for theWhoozat technique? To make matters worse, she’s deep inconversation with a group of her friends. Seems quite hopeless that you willmanoeuvreameeting,doesn’tit?Noobstacleblockstheresolutepolitician,whoalwayshasatrickortenuphis

or her sleeve. A politico would resort to the Eavesdrop In technique.Eavesdropping, of course, conjures images of clandestine activities – wiretapping, Watergate break-ins, spies skulking around in the murky shadows.Eavesdroppinghashistoricalprecedentwithpoliticiansso,inapinch,itcomesnaturallytomind.Atparties,standnearthegroupofpeopleyouwishtoinfiltrate.Thenwaitfor

awordor twoyoucanuseasawedge tobreak into thegroup. ‘Excuseme, Icouldn’thelpoverhearing thatyou…’and thenwhatever is relevanthere.Forexample ‘I couldn’t help overhearing your discussion of Bermuda. I’m goingtherenextmonthforthefirsttime.Anysuggestions?’Nowyouareinthecircleandcandirectyourcommentstoyourintended.

Technique14:

EavesdropinNoWhatzit?No host forWhoozat?No problem! Just sidle up behind theswarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for anyflimsy excuse and jump inwith ‘Excuseme, I couldn’t helpbut overhear…’Willtheybetakenaback?Momentarily.Willtheygetoverit?Momentarily.

Willyoubeintheconversation?Absolutely!LetusnowhopbackonthetrainthatfirstexploredSmallTalkCityandtraveltothelandofMeaningfulCommunicating.

Don’tdropafrozensteakontheirplatter

Youwouldn’tdreamofgoingtoapartynaked.AndIhopeyouwouldn’tdreamof lettingyourconversationbeexposednakedanddefencelessagainst the twoinevitableassaults‘Whereareyoufrom?’and‘Whatdoyoudo?’Whenasked thesequestions,mostpeople, likeclunkinga frozen steakona

chinaplatter,dropabrickoffrozengeographyorbafflingjobtitleontheasker’sconversationalplatter.Thentheyslaponthemuzzle.You’reataconvention.Everyoneyoumeetwill,ofcourse,ask ‘Andwhere

areyoufrom?’Whenyougivethemtheshort-formnaked-cityanswer‘Oh,I’mfrom Muscatine, Iowa’ (or Millinocket, Maine; Winnemucca, Nevada; oranywhere they haven’t heard of), what can you expect except a blank stare?Even if you’re a relatively big-city slicker from Denver, Colorado; Detroit,Michigan;orSanDiego,California,you’llreceiveapanickedlookfromallbutAmericanhistoryprofessors.They’rerapidlyrackingtheirbrainsthinking‘Whatdo I say next?’Even the names ofworld-class burgs likeNewYork,London,Paris,andLosAngeles inspire less-than-rivetingresponses.WhenI tellpeopleI’mfromNewYorkCity,whatare theyexpected tosay?‘Duh,seenanygoodmuggingslately?’Do humanity and yourself a favour. Never, ever, give just a one-sentence

responsetothequestion,‘Whereareyoufrom?’Givetheaskersomefuelforhistank,somefodder forhis trough.Give thehungrycommunicatorsomething toconversationallynibbleon.All it takes is an extra sentenceor twoaboutyourcity–someinterestingfact,somewittyobservation–tohooktheaskerintotheconversation.Severalmonthsago,a tradeassociationinvitedmetobeitskeynotespeaker

on networking and teaching people to be better conversationalists. Just beforemyspeech,IwasintroducedtoMrsDevlin,whowastheheadoftheassociation.

‘Howdoyoudo?’sheasked.‘Howdoyoudo?’Ireplied.Then Mrs. Devlin smiled, anxiously awaiting a sample of my stimulating

conversationalexpertise.Iaskedherwhereshewasfrom.Sheplunkedafrozen‘Columbus,Ohio’andabigexpectantgrinonmyplatter.Ihadtoquicklythawher answer into digestible conversation.Mymind thrashed into action. Leil’sthoughtpattern:‘Gulp,Columbus,Ohio.I’veneverbeenthere,hmm.Criminy,what do I know about Columbus? I know a fellow named Jeff, a successfulspeakerwholivesthere.ButColumbusistoobigtoaskifsheknowshim…andbesidesonlykidsplaythe“Do-you-know-so-and-so”game.’Mypanickedsilentsearchcontinued.‘Ithinkit’snamedafterChristopherColumbus…butI’mnotsure,soIbetterkeepmymouthshutonthatone.’FourorfiveotherpossibilitiesracedthroughmymindbutIrejectedthemallastooobvious,tooadolescent,ortoooff-the-wall.Irealizedbynowthatsecondshadpassed,andMrsDevlinwasstillstanding

therewithaslowlydissipatingsmileonher face.Shewaswaitingforme(the‘expert’who,withinthehour,wasexpectedtoteachhertradeassociationlessonsonscintillatingconversation)tospewforthwordsofwitorwisdom.‘Oh,Columbus, gee,’ Imumbled in desperation,watching her face fall into

theworriedexpressionofapatientbeingaskedbythesurgeon,knifepoisedinhand,‘Where’syourappendix?’Inevercameupwith stimulatingconversationonColumbus.But, just then,

undertheknife,Icreatedthefollowingtechniqueforposterity.IcallitNevertheNakedCity.

Technique15:

NeverthenakedcityWhenever someone asks you the inevitable, ‘And where are you from?’never,ever,unfairlychallengetheirpowersofimaginationwithaone-wordanswer.Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that Conversational

Partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever inresponsetoyourbait,theythinkyou’reagreatconversationalist.

Differentbaitforshrimporsharks

Afishermanusesdifferentbaittobagbassorbluefish.Andyouwillobviouslythrow out different conversational bait to snag simple shrimp or sophisticatedsharks.Yourhookshouldrelatetothetypeofpersonyou’respeakingwith.I’moriginally fromWashington,D.C. If someone at, say, an art gallery askedmewhereIwasfrom,Imightanswer‘Washington,D.C.–designed,youknow,bythe same city planner who designed Paris.’ This opens the conversationalpossibilities to theartistryofcityplanning,Paris,othercities’plans,Europeantravel,andsoforth.AtasocialpartyofsinglesI’doptforanotheranswer.‘I’mfromWashington,

D.C. The reason I left is there were sevenwomen to everymanwhen I wasgrowing up.’Now the conversation can turn to the ecstasy or agony of beingsingle, the perceived lack of desirable men everywhere, even flirtatiouspossibilities.In a political group, I’d cast a current fact from the constantly evolving

political face of Washington. No need to speculate on the multitude ofconversationalpossibilitiesthatunlocks.Wheredoyougetyourconversationalbait?Startbyphoningthechamberof

commerceorhistoricalsocietyofyour town.Search theWorldWideWebandclickonyourtown,oropenanold-fashionedencyclopedia–allrichsourcesforfuture stimulating conversations. Learn some history, geography, businessstatistics,orperhapsafewfunfactstoticklefuturefriends’funnybones.TheDevlindebacleinspiredfurtherresearch.TheminuteIgothome,Icalled

theColumbusChamberofCommerce and thehistorical society.Sayyou, too,arefromColumbus,Ohio,andyournewacquaintancelaysitonyou:‘Whereareyoufrom?’Whenyouaretalkingwithabusinessperson,youranswercouldbe,‘I’mfromColumbus,Ohio.YouknowmanymajorcorporationsdotheirproducttestinginColumbusbecauseit’ssocommerciallytypical.Infact,it’sbeencalled‘the most American city in America.’ They say if it booms or bombs inColumbus,itboomsorbombsnationally.’TalkingwithsomeonewithaGerman lastname?TellheraboutColumbus’s

historic German Village with the brick streets and the wonderful 1850s-stylelittlehouses.It’sboundtoinspirestoriesoftheoldcountry.YourConversationPartner’ssurnameisItalian?TellhimGenoa,Italy,isColumbus’ssistercity.TalkingwithanAmericanhistorybuff?TellhimthatColumbuswas,indeed,

named after Christopher Columbus and that a replica of the Santa Maria isanchored in the Scioto River. Talking with a student? Tell her about the fiveuniversitiesinColumbus.

The possibilities continue. You suspect your Conversation Partner has anartistic bent? ‘Ah,’ you throw out casually, ‘Columbus is the home of artistGeorgeBellows.’Columbusites,preparesometastysnacksforaskersevenifyouknownothing

aboutthem.Here’sagoodie.Tellthemyoualwayshavetosay‘Columbus,Ohio’becauseintheUSthereisalsoaColumbus,Arkansas ;Columbus,Georgia ;Columbus, Indiana ; Columbus, Kansas ; Columbus, Kentucky ; Columbus,Mississippi ; Columbus, Montana ; Columbus, Nebraska ; Columbus, NewJersey;Columbus,NewMexico;Columbus,NorthCarolina;Columbus,NorthDakota ; Columbus, Pennsylvania ; Columbus, Texas ; and Columbus,Wisconsin. That spreads the conversational possibilities to fifteen other states.Remember,asaquotablenotableoncesaid,‘Nomanwouldlistentoyoutalkifhedidn’tknowitwashisturnnext.’A postscript to the hellish experience I hadwithColumbus.Months later, I

mentionedthetraumatomyspeakerfriendfromColumbus,Jeff.JeffexplainedhishousewasreallyinasmallertownjustminutesoutsideColumbus.‘Whattown,Jeff?’‘Gahanna,Ohio.Gahannameans“hell”inHebrew,’hesaid,andthenwenton

toexplainwhyhethoughtancientHebrewhistorianswereclairvoyant.Thanks,Jeff,Iknewyou’dneverlayanakedcityonanyofyourlisteners.

Answeringtheinevitable

Third only to death and taxes is the assurance a new acquaintance will soonchirp, ‘Andwhat do you do?’ (Is it fitting and proper they shouldmake thatquery? We’ll pick up that sticky wicket later.) For the moment, these fewdefensive moves help you keep your crackerjack communicator credentialswhenaskedtheinevitable.First,likeNevertheNakedCity,don’ttossashort-shriftanswerinresponseto

theasker’sbreathlessinquiry.Youleavethepoorfishfloppingonthedeckwhenyou just sayyour title: I’manactuary,anauditor,anauthor,anastrophysicist.Havemercysoheorshedoesn’tfeellikeanincompoopoutsiderasking,‘What,er,kindofactuizing(auditing,authoring,orastrophysizing)doyoudo?’You’realawyer.Don’tleaveittolaymentotrytofigureoutwhatyoureally

do.Fleshitout.TellalittlestoryyourConversationPartnercangetahandleon.Forexample,ifyou’retalkingwithayoungmothersay,‘I’malawyer.Ourfirmspecializes in employment law. In fact, now I’m involved in a case where acompanyactuallydischargedawomanfortakingextramaternityleavethatwasamedicalnecessity.’Amothercanrelatetothat.Talkingwith a business owner? Say ‘I’m a lawyer. Our firm specializes in

employment law.Mycurrentcaseconcernsanemployerwho isbeingsuedbyoneofherstaffforaskingpersonalquestionsduringtheinitialjobinterview.’Abusinessownercanrelatetothat.

Technique16:

NeverthenakedjobWhenaskedtheinevitable‘AndwhatdoYOUdo,’youmaythink‘I’maneconomist,’ ‘an educator,’ ‘an engineer’ is giving enough information to

engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist,educator,oranengineer,youmightaswellbesaying‘I’mapaleontologist,’‘psychoanalyst,’or‘pornographer.’Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new

acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves,preferringthesnacksbackatthecheesetray.

Painfulmemoriesofnakedjobflashers

I still harbour painful recollections of being tongue-tied when confronted bynaked job flashers. Like the time a fellow at a dinner party told me, ‘I’m anuclear scientist.’ My weak ‘Oh, that must be fascinating’ reduced me to amentalmoleculeinhiseyes.Thechaponmyothersideannounced,‘I’minindustrialabrasives,’andthen

paused,waitingformetobeimpressed.My‘Well,er,golly,youmusthavetobea shrewd judgeof character to be in industrial abrasives’ didn’t fly either.Wethreesatinsilencefortherestofthemeal.Just lastmonthanewacquaintancebragged, ‘I’mplanning to teachTibetan

BuddhismatTruckeeMeadowsCommunityCollege,’ and thenclammedup. Iknew less about Truckee Meadows than I did about Tibetan Buddhism.Whenever people ask you what you do, give them some mouth-to-earresuscitationsotheycancatchtheirbreathandsaysomething.

Helpnewlymetsthroughtheirfirstmoments

‘Susan,I’dlikeyoutomeetJohnSmith.John,thisisSusanJones.’Duh,whatdoyouexpectJohnandSusantosay?‘Smith?Umm,that’sS-M-I-T-H,isn’tit?’‘Uh,er,golly,Susan,well,now,there’saninterestingname.’Nice-try-forget-it.Don’tblameJohnorSusanforbeinglessthanscintillating.

The fault lies with the person who introduced the two the way most peopleintroduce their friends to eachother–withnakednames.Theycastout a linewithnobaitforpeopletosinktheirteethinto.BigWinnersmay not talk a lot, but conversation never dies unwillingly in

their midst. They make sure of it with techniques like Never the NakedIntroduction.Whentheyintroducepeople, theybuyaninsurancepolicyontheconversationwithafewsimpleadd-ons:‘Susan,I’dlikeyoutomeetJohn.Johnhasawonderfulboatwetookatriponlastsummer.John,thisisSusanSmith.Susaniseditor-in-chiefofShoestringGourmetmagazine.’PaddingtheintroductiongivesSusantheopportunitytoaskwhatkindofboat

Johnhasorwherethegroupwent.ItgivesJohnanopeningtodiscusshisloveofwriting.Orofcooking.Oroffood.Theconversationcanthennaturallyexpandto travel in general, life on boats, past holidays, favourite recipes, restaurants,budgets,diets,magazines,editorialpolicy–toinfinity.

Technique17:

NeverthenakedintroductionWhenintroducingpeople,don’tthrowoutanunbaitedhookandstandtheregrinninglikeBigClam,leavingthenewlymetstofluttertheirfinsandfish

foratopic.Baittheconversationalhooktogetthemintheswimofthings.Thenyou’refreetostayorfloatontothenextnetworkingopportunity.

If you’re not comfortable mentioning someone’s job during the introduction,mention theirhobbyorevena talent.Theotherdayatagathering, thehostessintroducedamannamedGilbert.She said, ‘Leil, I’d likeyou tomeetGilbert.Gilbert’s gift is sculpting. He makes beautiful wax carvings.’ I rememberthinking, gift, now that’s a lovely way to introduce someone and induceconversation.

Armed with these two personality enhancers, three conversation igniters andthreesmallextenders,itistimetotakeastepupthecommunicationsladder.Letusnowrisefromsmalltalkandseekthepathtomoremeaningfuldialogue.Thenext technique is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for yourConversationPartner.

Beasleuthontheirslipsofthetongue

Evenawell-intentionedhusbandwhomightaskhiswifewhilemakinglove,‘Isitgoodforyou,too,honey?’knowsnottoaskacolleague,‘Istheconversationgoodforyou,too?’Yethewonders…wealldo.Withthefollowingtechnique,setyourmindatrest.Youcandefinitelymaketheconversationhotforanyoneyouspeakwith.Likemypromdate,Donnie,youwillmiraculouslyfindsubjectsto engrossyour listeners.Nomatter howelusive the clue,SherlockHolmes isconfidenthe’llsoonbestaringrightatitthroughhismagnifyingglass.Liketheunerring detective,BigWinners know, nomatter how elusive the clue, they’llfindtherighttopic.How?Theybecomeworddetectives.I have a young friend, Nancy, whoworks in a nursing home. Nancy cares

deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about how crotchety and laconicsomeofherpatientsare.Shelamentsshehasdifficultyrelatingtothem.NancytoldmeaboutoneespeciallycantankerousoldwomannamedMrsOtis,

whomshecouldnevergettoopenuptoher.‘Oneday,’Nancyconfided,‘rightafter all those rainstorms we had last week, just to make conversation, Iremarked to Mrs Otis, “Terrible storms we had last week, don’t you think?”Well,’Nancycontinued,‘MrsOtispracticallyjumpeddownmythroat.Shesaidin a snippy voice, “It’s been good for the plants.”’ I asked Nancy how sherespondedtothat.‘WhatcouldIsay?’Nancyanswered.‘Thewomanwasobviouslycuttingme

off.’‘DidyoueverthinktoaskMrsOtisifshelikedplants?’‘Plants?’Nancyasked.‘Well,yes,’Isuggested.‘MrsOtisbroughtthesubjectup.’IaskedNancyto

domeafavour.‘Askher,’Ibegged.Nancyresisted,butIpersisted.Justtoquietmedown,Nancypromisedtoask‘cantankerousoldMrsOtis’ifshelikedplants.

Thenextday,aflabbergastedNancycalledmefromwork.‘Leil,howdidyouknow?NotonlydidMrsOtis loveplants,she toldmeshe’dbeenmarried toagardener.TodayIhadadifferentproblemwithMrsOtis.Icouldn’tshutherup!Shewentonandonabouthergarden,herhusband…’Top Communicators know ideas don’t come out of nowhere. If Mrs Otis

thought to bring up plants, then she must have some relationship with them.Furthermore, bymentioning theword, itmeant subconsciously shewanted totalkaboutplants.Suppose, for example, insteadof responding toNancy’s comment about the

rainwith‘It’sgoodfortheplants,’MrsOtishadsaid,‘Becauseoftherain,mydog couldn’t go out.’ Nancy could then ask about her dog. Or suppose shegrumbled,‘It’sbadformyarthritis.’CanyouguesswhatoldMrsOtiswantstotalkaboutnow?When talkingwith anyone, keep your ears open and, like a good detective,

listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual references: any anomaly,deviation,digression,orinvocationofanotherplace,time,person.Askaboutitbecause it’s the clue to what your Conversation Partner would really enjoydiscussing.Iftwopeoplehavesomethingincommon,whenthesharedinterestcomesup,

they jump on it naturally. For example, if someone mentions playing squash(birdwatchingorstampcollecting)andthelistenersharesthatpassion,heorshepipesup,‘Oh,you’reasquasher(orbirderorphilatelist),too!’Here’sthetrick:there’snoneedtobeasquasher,birder,orphilatelisttopipe

upwithenthusiasm.YoucansimplyBeaWordDetective.Whenyoupickuponthereferenceas thoughitexcitesyou, too, itparlaysyouintoconversation thestranger thrills to. (The subjectmay put your feet to sleep, but that’s anotherstory.)

Technique18:

BeaworddetectiveLikeagoodgumshoe,listentoyourConversationPartner’severywordforcluestohisorherpreferredtopic.Theevidenceisboundtoslipout.Thenspringonthatsubjectlikeasleuthontoaslipofthetongue.LikeSherlockHolmes,youhavethecluetothesubjectthat’shotfortheotherperson.

Now that you’ve ignited stimulating conversation, let’s explore a technique tokeepithot.

Sellyourselfwithatopsalestechnique

Several years ago, a girlfriend and I attended a party saturated with a hotch-potch of swellegant folks. Everyonewe talked to seemed to lead a nifty life.Discussing the party afterward, I askedmy friend, ‘Diane, of all the excitingpeopleattheparty,whodidyouenjoytalkingtomost?’Withouthesitationshesaid,‘Ohbyfar,DanSmith.’‘WhatdoesDando?’Iaskedher.‘Uh,well,I’mnotsure,’sheanswered.‘Wheredoeshelive?’‘Uh,Idon’tknow,’Dianeresponded.‘Well,whatisheinterestedin?’‘Well,wereallydidn’ttalkabouthisinterests.’‘Diane,’Iasked,‘whatdidyoutalkabout?’‘Well,Iguesswetalkedmostlyaboutme.’‘Aha,’Isaidtomyself.DianehasjustrubbednoseswithaBigWinner.Asitturnsout,IhadthepleasureofmeetingBigWinnerDanseveralmonths

later.Diane’s ignoranceabouthis lifepiquedmycuriosity so Igrilledhim fordetails. As it turns out, Dan lives in Paris, has a beach home in the south ofFrance,andamountainhomeintheAlps.Hetravelsaroundtheworldproducingsoundandlightshowsforpyramidsandancientruins–andheisanavidhanggliderandscubadiver.Doesthismanhaveaninterestinglifeorwhat?YetDan,whenmeetingDiane,saidnotonewordabouthimself.I told Dan about how pleased Diane was to meet him yet how little she

learnedabouthislife.Dansimplyreplied,‘Well,whenImeetsomeone,IlearnsomuchmoreifIaskabout their life. Ialways try to turn thespotlighton theotherperson.’Trulyconfidentpeopleoftendothis.Theyknowtheygrowmorebylisteningthantalking.Obviously,theyalsocaptivatethetalker.

Severalmonthsagoataspeaker’sconvention,Iwastalkingwithacolleague,BrianTracy.Briandoesabrilliant jobof training top salespeople.He tellshisstudents of a giant spotlight that, when shining on their product, is not asinteresting to the prospect.When salespeople shine the giant spotlight on theprospect,that’swhatmakesthesale.Salespeople,thistechniqueisespeciallycrucialforyou.KeepyourSwivelling

Spotlightaimedawayfromyou,onlylightlyonyourproduct,andmostbrightlyonyourbuyer.You’lldoamuchbetterjobofsellingyourselfandyourproduct.

Technique19:

TheswivellingspotlightWhenyoumeetsomeone,imagineagiantrevolvingspotlightbetweenyou.Whenyou’retalking,thespotlightisonyou.WhenNewPersonisspeaking,it’sshiningonhimorher.Ifyoushineitbrightlyenough,thestrangerwillbeblindedtothefactthatyouhavehardlysaidawordaboutyourself.Thelongeryoukeep it shining away fromyou, themore interestingheor shefindsyou.

Neverbestuckforsomethingtosayagain

Moments arise, of course, when even conversationalists extraordinaire hit thewall.Some folks’monosyllabicgrunts leaveslimpickingseven formastersoftheBeaWordDetectivetechnique.Ifyoufindyourselffutilelyfanningtheembersofadyingconversation(andif

youfeelforpoliticalreasonsorhumancompassionthattheconversationshouldcontinue),here’safoolprooftricktogetthefireblazingagain.IcallitParrotingafter that beautiful tropical bird that captures everyone’s heart simply byrepeatingotherpeople’swords.Have you ever, puttering around the house, had the TV in the background

tuned toa tennisgame?Youhear theballgoingbackand forthover thenet–klink-klunk,klink-klunk,klink…this timeyoudon’thear theklunk.Theballdidn’thitthecourt.Whathappened?Youimmediatelylookupattheset.Likewise in conversation, the conversational ball goes back and forth. First

youspeak,thenyourpartnerspeaks,youspeak…andsoitgoes,backandforth.Each time, through a series of nods and comforting grunts like ‘um hum,’ or‘umm,’ you let your Conversation Partner know the ball has landed inyourcourt.It’syour‘Igotit’signal.Suchistherhythmofconversation.

‘WhatdoIsaynext?’

Backtothatfrightfullyfamiliarmomentwhenitisyourturntospeakbutyourmindgoesblank.Don’tpanic.Insteadofsignalingverballyornonverballythatyou‘gotit,’simplyrepeat,orparrot,thelasttwoorthreewordsyourcompanionsaid, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ballrightbackinyourpartner’scourt.

Ihaveafriend,Phil,whosometimespicksmeupattheairport.UsuallyIamso exhausted that I rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat, relegating Phil tonothingmorethanachauffeur.Afterone especially exhausting trip someyears ago, I flungmybags inhis

trunkand floppedonto the front seat.As Iwasdozingoff,hementionedhe’dgone to the theatre the night before. Usually I would have just grunted andwaftedintounconsciousness.However,onthisparticulartrip,IhadlearnedtheParrotingtechniqueandwasanxioustotryit.‘Theater?’Iparrotedquizzically.‘Yes,itwasagreatshow,’hereplied,fullyexpectingittobethelastwordon

thesubjectbeforeIfellintomyusualsleepystupor.‘Great show?’ I parroted.Pleasantly surprisedbymy interest, he said, ‘Yes,

it’sanewshowbyStephenSondheimcalledSweeneyTodd.’‘SweeneyTodd?’Iagainparroted.NowPhilwasgettingfiredup.‘Yeah,great

musicandanunbelievablybizarrestory…’‘Bizarre story?’ I parroted.Well, that’s allPhil needed.For thenexthalf an

hour,Phil toldme the show’s story about aLondonbutcherwhowent aroundmurdering people. I half dozed, but soon decided his tale of Sweeney Todd’scuttingoffpeople’sheadswasdisturbingmysleepyreverie.SoIsimplybackedupandparrotedoneofhispreviousphrasestogethimonanothertrack.‘Yousaidithadgreatmusic?’Thatdidthetrick.Fortherestoftheforty-fiveminutetriptomyhome,Phil

sang me ‘Pretty Women,’ ‘The Best Pies in London,’ and other songs fromSweeneyTodd–muchbetteraccompanimentformydemi-nap.I’msure,tothisday,Philthinksofthattripasoneofthebestconversationsweeverhad.AndallIdidwasparrotafewofhisphrases.

Technique20:

ParrotingNever be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last fewwordsyourConversationPartnersays.Thatputstheballrightbackinhisorhercourt,andthenallyouneedtodoislisten.Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customer’s real

objectionswhenit’ssoeasytoshakethemoutofthetreeswithParroting?

Parrotingyourwaytoprofits

Parrotingisalsoacanopenertopryopenpeople’srealfeelings.Starsalespeopleuseittogettotheirprospect’semotionalobjections,whichtheyoftendon’tevenarticulatetothemselves.Afriendofmine,Paul,aused-carsalesman,toldmehecreditsarecentsaleofaLamborghinitoParroting.Paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife, who had

expressedinterestina‘sensiblecar.’HewasshowingthemeverysensibleChevyandFordonthelot.Astheywerelookingatoneverysensiblefamilycar,Paulaskedthehusbandwhathethoughtofit.‘Well,’hemused,‘I’mnotsurethiscaris right forme.’ Instead ofmoving on to the next sensible car, Paul parroted‘Right for you?’ Paul’s questioning inflection signaled the prospect that heneededtosaymore.‘Well,er,yeah,’theprospectmumbled.‘I’mnotsureitfitsmypersonality.’‘Fitsyourpersonality?’Paulagainparroted.‘Youknow,maybeIneedsomethingalittlemoresporty.’‘Alittlemoresporty?’Paulparroted.‘Well,thosecarsovertherelookalittlemoresporty.’Aha!Paul’sparrothadferretedoutwhichcarstoshowthecustomer.Asthey

walkedovertowardaLamborghinionthelot,Paulsawtheprospect’seyeslightup.Anhourlater,Paulhadpocketedafatcommission.

Want to take a rest from talking to saveyour throat?Thisnext techniquegetsyourConversationPartneroffandrunningsoallyouhavetodoislisten(orevensneakoffunnoticedasheorshechatscongeniallyaway).

‘Tell’emaboutthetimeyou…’

Every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime, ‘Daddy,Daddy,tellmethestoryagainofthethreelittlepigs’(orthedancingprincesses,orhowyouandMummymet).DaddyknowsJuniorenjoyedthestorysomuchthefirsttime,hewantstohearitagainandagain.Junior inspires the following technique called Encore! which serves two

purposes.Encore!makesacolleaguefeellikeahappydad,andit’sagreatwaytogivedyingconversationahearttransplant.I once worked on a ship that had Italian officers and mostly American

passengers.Eachweek, the deckofficerswere required to attend the captain’scocktail party. After the captain’s address in charmingly broken English, theofficers invariably clumped together yakking it up in Italian.Needless to say,most of the passengers’ grasp of Italian ended at macaroni, spaghetti, salami,andpizza.Ascruisedirector,itfellonmyshoulderstogettheofficerstominglewiththe

passengers.My not-so-subtle tacticwas to grab one of the officers’ arms andliterallydraghimovertoasmilingthrongofexpectantpassengers.Iwouldthenintroducetheofficerandpraythateither thecatwouldreleasehis tongue,orapassengerwould come upwith amore original question than ‘Gee, if all youofficers are here, who is driving the boat?’ Never happened. I dreaded theweeklycaptain’scocktailparty.Onenight,sleepinginmycabin,Iwasawakenedbytheshiprockingviolently

fromsidetoside.Ilistenedandtheengineswereoff.Abadsign.Igrabbedmyrobe and raced up to the deck. Through the dense fog, I could barely discernanother ship not half a mile from us. Five or six officers were grasping thestarboard guardrail and leaning overboard. I rushed over just in time to see aman in themoonlightwithabandageoveroneeyestrugglingupourviolently

rockingladder.Theofficersimmediatelywhiskedhimofftoourship’shospital.Theenginesstartedagainandwewereonourway.ThenextmorningIgotthefullstory.Alabourerontheothership,afreighter,

hadbeendrillingahole inanenginecylinder.Whilehewasworking,a sharpneedle-thinpieceofmetalshotlikeamissileintohisrighteye.Thefreighterhadnodoctoronboardsotheshipbroadcastanemergencysignal.International sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress signal must

respond.Ourshipcametotherescueandtheseaman,clutchinghisbleedingeye,was lowered into a lifeboat that brought him toour ship.DrRossi, our ship’sdoctor,wassuccessfullyabletoremovetheneedlefromtheworkman’seyethussavinghiseyesight.Cut to the next captain’s cocktail party. Once again I was faced with the

familiar challenge of getting officers to mingle andmake small talk with thepassengers.Imademyweeklytrektothelaconicofficers’throngtodragoneortwoawayand,thistime,myhandfellonthearmoftheship’sdoctor.Ihauledhimovertothenearestgroupofgrinningpassengersandintroducedhim.Ithensaid, ‘Just lastweekDrRossi saved the eyesightof a seamanon another shipafteradramaticmidnight rescue.DrRossi, I’msure these folkswould love tohearaboutit.’Itwaslikeamagicwand.Tomyamazement,itwasasthoughDrRossiwas

blessedinstantlywiththetonguesofangels.HispreviouslymonosyllabicbrokenEnglishbecamethicklyaccentedeloquence.Herecountedtheentirestoryforthegrowing group of passengers gathering around him. I left the throng thatDrRossienrapturedtopullanotherofficerovertoanawaitingaudience.Igrabbedthecaptain’sstripe-coveredarm,draggedhimovertoanotherpack

ofsmilingpassengersandsaid,‘CaptainCafiero,whydon’tyoutellthesefolksabout the dramatic midnight rescue you made last week?’ The cat releasedCafiero’stongueandhewasoffandrunning.Backtothethrongtogetthefirstofficerforthenextgroup.BynowIknewI

hadawinner.‘SignorSalvago,whydon’tyoutellthesefolkshowyouawakenedthecaptainatmidnightlastweekforthedramaticmidnightrescue?’Bythenitwastimetogobacktoextracttheship’sdoctorfromthefirstbevy

and takehim tohisnextpackofpassengers. Itworkedevenbetter the secondtime.HehappilycommencedhisEncore!forthesecondaudience.Ashechattedaway, I raced back to the captain to pull him away for a second telling withanotherthrong.Ifeltlikethecircusjugglerwhokeepsalltheplatesspinningon

sticks. Just as I got one conversation spinning, I had to race back to the firstspeakertogivehimawhirlatanotheraudience.Thecaptain’scocktailpartieswereabreezeformefortherestoftheseason.

The threeofficers loved telling the same storyof their heroism tonewpeopleeverycruise.TheonlyproblemwasInoticedthestoriesgettinglongerandmoreelaborate each time. I had to adjustmy timing in getting them to do a repeatperformanceforthenextaudience.

Playitagain,Sam

Encore! isthewordappreciativeaudienceschantwhentheywantanothersongfromthesinger,anotherdancefromthedancer,anotherpoemfromthepoet,andinmy case, another storytelling from the officers.Encore! is the name of thetechnique you can use to request a repeat story from a prospect, potentialemployer, or valued acquaintance. While the two of you are chatting with agroupofpeople,simplyturntohimandsay,‘John,Ibeteveryonewouldlovetohear about the timeyoucaught that thirty-pound stripedbass.’Or, ‘Susan, telleveryonethatstoryyoujusttoldmeofhowyourescuedthekittenfromthetree.’Heor shewill, of course, demur. Insist!YourConversationPartner is secretlyloving it.The subtextofyour request is ‘That storyofyourswas so terrific, Iwantmyotherfriendstohearit.’Afterall,onlycrowdpleasersareaskedtodoanEncore!

Technique21:

Encore!Thesweetestsoundaperformercanhearwellingupoutoftheapplauseis‘Encore!Encore!Let’shearitagain!’ThesweetestsoundyourConversationPartnercanhearfromyourlipswhenyou’retalkingwithagroupofpeopleis‘Tellthemaboutthetimeyou…’Wheneveryou’reatameetingorpartywith someone important toyou,

thinkof somestoriesheor she toldyou.Chooseanappropriateone fromtheir repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight byrequestingarepeatperformance.

Onewordofwarning:makesurethestoryyourequestisoneinwhichthetellershines.Noonewantstoretellthetimetheylostthesale,crackedupthecar,or

brokeupthebarandspentthenightinjail.MakesureyourrequestedEncore!isapositivestorywheretheycomeouttheBigWinner,notthebuffoon.Thenexttechniquedealswithsharingsomepositivestoriesofyourlife.

Endearinglittleflubs?

Often people think when they meet someone they like, they should share asecret,revealanintimacy,ormakeaconfessionofsortstoshowtheyarehumantoo. Airing your youthful battle with bed wetting, teeth grinding, or thumbsucking– or your present strugglewith gout or a goitre – supposedly endearsyoutothemasses.Well, sometimes itdoes.Onestudyshowed that ifsomeone isaboveyou in

stature, their revealing a foible brings them closer to you.12 The holes in thebottomofpresidential candidateAdlaiStevenson’s shoescharmedanation, asdidGeorgeBush’sshockingadmissionthathecouldn’tstomachbroccoli.Ifyou’reonsurefooting,sayasuperstarwhowantstobecomefriendswitha

fan,goaheadand tellyourdevoteesabout the timeyouwereoutofworkandpenniless.Butifyou’renotasuperstar,betterplayitsafeandkeeptheskeletonsintheclosetuntillater.Peopledon’tknowyouwellenoughtoputyourfoibleincontext.Later in a relationship, telling your new friend you’ve been thricemarried,

yougotcaughtshopliftingasateenager,andyougotturneddownforabigjobmaybenobigdeal.Andthatmaybetheextentofwhatcouldbeconstruedasblack marks on an otherwise flawless life of solid relationships, nomisdemeanors, and an impressive professional record. But very early in arelationship, the instinctive reaction is ‘What else is coming? If he shares thatwithmesoquickly,whatelseishehiding?Aclosetfulofex-spouses,acriminalrecord,wallspaperedwithrejectionletters?’Yournewacquaintancehasnowayofknowingyourconfessionwasagenerousact,awell-intentionedrevelation,onyourpart.

Technique22:

Ac-cen-tu-atethepos-i-tiveWhenfirstmeetingsomeone,lockyourclosetdoorandsaveyourskeletonsforlater.Youandyournewgoodfriendcaninvitetheskeletonsout,haveagoodlaugh,anddanceovertheirboneslaterintherelationship.Butnow’sthetime,astheoldsongsays,to‘ac-cen-tu-atethepos-i-tiveandelim-i-natetheneg-a-tive.’

Sofar,inthissection,youhavefoundassertivemethodsformeetingpeopleandmasteringsmall talk.Thenext isbothanassertiveanddefensivemovetohelpspareyouthatpastysmilewetendtosportwhenwehavenoideawhatpeoplearetalkingabout.

Yourmostimportantprop

You’veheardfolkswhine,‘Ican’tgototheparty,Ihaven’tgotathingtowear.’Whenwasthelasttimeyouheard,‘Ican’tgototheparty,Ihaven’tgotathingtosay?’Whengoingtoagatheringwithgreatnetworkingpossibilities,younaturally

planyouroutfitandmakesureyourshoeswillmatch.And,ofcourse,youmusthave just the right tieor correct colour lipstick.Youpuffyourhair,packyourbusinesscards,andyou’reoff.Whoa!Waitaminute.Didn’tyouforgetthemostimportantthing?Whatabout

the right conversation to enhance your image? Are you actually going to sayanything thatcomestomind,ordoesn’t,at themoment?Youwouldn’tdonthefirstoutfityourgropinghandhitsinthedarkenedcloset,soyoushouldn’tleaveyourconversingtothefirstthoughtthatcomestomindwhenfacingagroupofexpectant, smiling faces. You will, of course, follow your instincts inconversation.Butatleastbepreparedincaseinspirationdoesn’thit.The bestway to assure you’re conversationally in the swing of things is to

listen to a newscast just before you leave.What’s happening right now in theworld–allthefires,floods,airdisasters,toppledgovernments,andstockmarketcrashes – pulverizes into great conversational fodder, no matter what crowdyou’recirculatingin.ItiswithsomeembarrassmentthatImustattributethefollowingtechniqueto

abusinesswomanintheworld’soldestprofession.ForamagazinearticleIwaswriting, I interviewedoneof thesavviestoperators inher field,SidneyBiddleBarrows,thefamedMayflowerMadam.

Sydney toldme she had a house rulewhen shewas in business.All of herfemale‘independentcontractors’weredirectedtokeepupwiththedailynewssothey could be good conversationalists with their clients. This was not justSidney’swhim.Feedback fromher employeeshad revealed that 60percent ofhergirls’workhourwasspendinchatting,andonly40percentinsatisfyingthecustomers’needs.Thussheinstructedthemtoreadthedailynewspaperorlistentoaradiobroadcastbeforeleavingforanappointment.Sidneytoldmewhensheinitiatedthisrule,herbusinessincreasedsignificantly.Reportscamebackfromher clients complimenting her on the fascinatingwomen she hadworking forher.Theconsummatebusinesswoman,MsBarrowsalwaysstrovetoexceedhercustomers’expectations.

Technique23:

Thelatestnews…don’tleavehomewithoutitThe last move to make before leaving for the party – even after you’vegivenyourselffinalapprovalinthemirror–istoturnontheradionewsorscan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material.Knowing the big-deal news of themoment is also a defensivemove thatrescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking whateverybody’s talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public,especiallywhenit’ssurroundedbyegg-on-face.

Readyforthebigleaguesofconversation?Let’sgo…

When two tigers prowling through the jungle chance upon each other in aclearing,theylookateachother.Theyfreeze.Instinctivelytheycalculate,‘Ifourstaring came to hissing– came to scratching– came to clawing–whowouldwin?Whichofushasthestrongersurvivalskills?’Tigersinthewildernessdifferlittlefromtheurbanuprightanimalsinhabiting

thecorporatejungle(orsinglesjungleorsocialjungle).Humansstarttheprocessby lookingateachotherand talking. In thebusinessworld,while smilinganduttering ‘How do you do?’ ‘Hello,’ ‘Howdy,’ or ‘Hi,’ they are, like tigers,instinctively,instantaneously,sizingeachotherup.They’renot calculating the lengthof eachother’s clawsor the sharpnessof

their teeth. They’re judging each other on a weapon far more powerful tosurvival as they have defined it. Humans are judging each other’scommunicationsskills.Although theymaynotknow thenamesof the specificstudiesfirstprovingit,theysensethetruth:85percentofone’ssuccessinlifeisdirectlyduetocommunicationsskills.13They may not be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureau’s recent survey

showing employers choose candidates with good communications skills andattitude way over education, experience, and training.14 But they knowcommunications skills get people to the top. Thus, by observing each othercarefully during casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately evident tobothwhichistheBiggerCatinthehumanjungle.

Itdoesn’ttakelongforpeopletorecognizewhoisan‘important’person.Onecliché, one insensitive remark, one overanxious reaction, and you can beprofessionally or personally demoted. You can lose a potentially importantfriendship or business contact. One stupid move and you can tumble off thecorporateorsocialladder.Thetechniquesinthissectionwillhelpassureyoumakealltherightmovesso

thisdoesn’thappen.Thefollowingcommunicationsskillsgiveyoua legup tostartyourascenttothetopofanyladderyouchoose.

‘Andwhatdoyoudo?Hmm?’

Tosizeeachotherup,thefirstquestionlittlecatsflat-pawedlyaskeachotheris,‘Andwhat do you do?’ Then they crouch there, quivering their whiskers andtwitchingtheirnoses,withanobvious‘I’mgoingtopronouncesilentjudgmentonyouafteryouanswer’lookontheirpusses.BigCatsneveraskoutright,‘Whatdoyoudo?’(Ohtheyfindout,allright,in

amuchmoresubtlemanner.)Bynotaskingthequestion,theBigBoysandGirlscomeacrossasmoreprincipled,evenspiritual.‘Afterall,’theirsilencesays,‘amanorwomanisfarmorethanhisorherjob.’Resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity.With so much

downsizing, rightsizing, and capsizing of corporations these days, the bluntinterrogationevokesuneasiness.Thejobquestionisnotjustunpleasantforthosewhoare‘betweenengagements.’Ihaveseveralgainfullyemployedfriendswhohatebeingasked,‘Andwhatdoyoudo?’(Oneofthesefolkscutscadaversforautopsies,theotherisataxcollectionagent.)Additionally, there are millions of talented and accomplished women who

have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood. When the cruel corporatequestionisthrustatthem,theyfeelguilty.Therudeinterrogationbelittlestheircommitment to their families.Nomatterhowthewomenanswer, theyfear theaskerisonlygoingtohearahumble‘I’mjustahousewife.’There isyetanother reasonBigBoysandGirlsavoidasking, ‘Whatdoyou

do?’Theirabstinencefromthequestionleadslistenerstobelievethattheyareinthehabitofsoaringwithahigh-flyingcrowd.RecentlyIattendedaposhpartyonEasyStreet.(Isuspecttheyinvitedmeastheirtokenworking-classperson.)Inoticednoonewasaskinganyonewhattheydid–becausetheseswellsdidn’tdoanything.Oh,somemighthaveatickertapeonthebedtableoftheirmansiontotrackinvestments.Buttheydefinitelydidnotworkforaliving.

The final benefit to not asking, ‘What do you do?’ is it throws people offguard.Itconvincesthemyouareenjoyingtheircompanyforwhotheyare,notforanycrassnetworkingreason.

Technique24:

Whatdoyoudo–NOT!Asuresignyou’reaSomebodyistheconspicuousabsenceofthequestion,‘Whatdoyoudo?’ (Youdetermine this,ofcourse,butnotwith thosefourdirty words that label you as either (1) a ruthless networker, (2) a socialclimber, (3) agold-digginghusbandorwifehunter,or (4) someonewho’sneverstrolledalongEasyStreet.)

Therightwaytofindout

Sohowdoyoufindoutwhatsomeonedoesforaliving?(Ithoughtyou’dneverask.)Yousimplypractisethefollowingeightwords.Alltogethernow:‘How…do…you…spend…most…of…your…time?’‘Howdoyouspendmostofyourtime?’isthegraciouswaytoletacadaver

cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off the hook. It’s the way toreinforceanaccomplishedmother’schoice.It’sthewaytoassureaspiritualsoulyouseehisorherinnerbeauty.It’sawaytosuggesttoaswellthatyouresideonEasyStreet,too.Now,supposeyou’vejustmadetheacquaintanceofsomeonewhodoesliketo

talkabouthisorherwork?Asking,‘Howdoyouspendmostofyourtime?’alsoopensthedoorforworkaholicstospoutoff:‘Ohgolly,’theymockmoan,‘Ijustspendallmytimeworking.’That,ofcourse,isyourinvitationtogrillthemfordetails. (Then they’ll talkyourearoff.)Yet thenewwordingofyourquestiongives those who are somewhere between ‘at leisure’ and ‘work addicted’ thechoiceoftellingyouabouttheirjobornot.Finally,asking‘Howdoyouspendmostofyour time?’ insteadof ‘Andwhatdoyoudo?’givesyouyourBigCatstripesrightoff.

SociallySubmittingYourOralResume

Now,havingsaid that,99percentof thepeopleyoumeetwill,ofcourse,ask‘And what do you do?’ BigWinners, realizing someone will always ask, arefullypreparedfortheinterrogation.Manyfolkshaveonewrittenresumeforjobseeking.Theytypeitupandthen

trudge off to the printer to get a nice neat stack to send to all prospectiveemployers.Theresumeliststheirpreviouspositions,datesofemployment,andeducation.Then,atthebottom,theymightaswellhavescribbled,‘Well, that’sme.Take it or leave it.’And usually they get left.Why?Because prospectiveemployersdonotfindenoughspecificpointsintheresumethatrelatedirectlytowhattheirfirmisseeking.BoysandGirlsintheBigLeagues,however,havebitsandbytesoftheirentire

workexperiencetuckedawayintheircomputers.Whenapplyingforajob,theypunchuponlytheappropriatedataandprint itoutsoit lookslikeit justcamefromtheprinter.My friendRobertowasoutofwork last year.Heapplied for twopositions.

Onewas for salesmanager of an ice cream company. The otherwas head ofstrategicplanningforafast-foodchain.Hedidextensiveresearchandfoundtheicecreamcompanyhaddeepsalesdifficultiesandthefoodchainhadlong-rangeinternationalaspirations.Didhesendthesameresumetoeach?Absolutelynot.Hisresumeneverdeviatedoneiotafromthetruthofhisbackground.However,for the ice cream company, he highlighted his experience turning a smallcompany around by doubling its sales in three years. For the food chain, heunderscored his experience working in Europe and his knowledge of foreignmarkets.BothfirmsofferedRobertothejob.Nowhecouldplaythemoffagainsteach

other.Hewenttoeach,explaininghe’dliketoworkfor thembutanotherfirm

wasofferingahighersalaryormoreperks.Thetwofirmsstartedbiddingagainsteach other for Roberto. He finally chose the food chain at almost double thesalarytheyoriginallyofferedhim.Tomake themost of every encounter, personalize your verbal resumewith

justasmuchcareasyouwouldyourwrittencurriculumvitae.Insteadofhavingone answer to the omnipresent ‘What do you do?’ prepare a dozen or sovariations, depending on who’s asking. For optimum networking, every timesomeoneasksaboutyourjob,giveacalculatedoralresumeinanutshell.Beforeyousubmityouranswer,considerwhatpossibleinteresttheaskercouldhaveinyouandyourwork.

‘Here’showmylifecanbenefityours’

Top salespeople talk extensively of the ‘benefit statement.’ They know, whentalkingwithapotentialclient,theyshouldopentheirconversationwithabenefitstatement.WhenmycolleagueBrianmakescoldcalls,insteadofsaying‘Hello,mynameisBrianTracy.I’masalestrainer,’hesays,‘Hello,mynameisBrianTracyfromtheInstituteforExecutiveDevelopment.Wouldyoubeinterestedina provenmethod that can increase your sales from20 to 30per cent over thenext twelvemonths?’ That is his benefit statement. He highlights the specificbenefitsofwhathehastooffertohisprospect.My hairdresser Gloria, I discovered, gives a terrific benefit statement to

everyoneshemeets.That’sprobablywhyshehassomanyclients.Infact,that’showshegotmeasaclient.WhenImetGloriaataconvention,shetoldmeshewasahairdresserwhospecializedinflexiblehairstylesforthebusinesswoman.She casually mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservativehairstyle forwork that theycan instantlyconvert toa femininestyle forsocialsituations.‘Hey,that’sme,’Isaidtomyself,fingeringmystringylittleponytail.IaskedforhercardandGloriabecamemyhairdresser.Then, several months later, I happened to see Gloria at another event. I

overheard her chatting with a stylish grey-haired woman at the buffet table.Gloriawas saying ‘…andwe specialize in awonderful array of blue rinses.’Nowthatwasnewstome!Ididn’trememberseeingonegreyheadinhersalon.AsIwasleavingtheparty,Gloriawasoutonthelawntalkinganimatedlywith

thehost’s teenagedaughters. ‘Ohyeah,’ shewassaying, ‘likewespecialize inthesereallycoolup-to-the-minutestyles.’Goodforyou,Gloria!

LikeGloriathehairdresser,giveyourresponseaonce-overbeforeansweringthe inevitable ‘What do you do?’When someone asks, never give just a one-word answer. That’s for forms. If business networking is on your mind, askyourself,‘Howcouldmyprofessionalexperiencebenefitthisperson’slife?’Forexample,herearesomedescriptionsvariouspeoplemightputontheirtaxreturn:

estateagentfinancialplannermartialartsinstructorcosmeticsurgeonhairdresser

Anypractitioneroftheaboveprofessionsshouldreflectonthebenefithisorherjobhastohumankind.(Everyjobhassomebenefitoryouwouldn’tgetpaidtodoit.)Theadvicetothefolksaboveis:

Don’tsay‘estateagent.’Say‘Ihelppeoplemovingintoourareafindtherighthome.’

Don’tsay‘financialplanner.’Say‘Ihelppeopleplantheirfinancialfuture.’Don’t say ‘martial arts instructor.’ Say ‘I help people defend themselves byteachingmartialarts.’

Don’tsay‘cosmeticsurgeon.’Say‘Ireconstructpeople’sfacesafterdisfiguringaccidents.’ (Or, if you’re talking with a woman ‘of a certain age,’ as theFrenchsogracefullysay,tellher,‘Ihelppeopletolookasyoungastheyfeelthroughcosmeticsurgery.’)

Don’t say ‘hairdresser.’Say ‘I help awoman find the righthairstyle forherparticularface.’(Go,Gloria!)

PuttingthebenefitstatementinyourverbalNutshellResumebringsyourjobto lifeandmakes itmemorable.Even ifyournewacquaintancecan’tuseyourservices,thenexttimeheorshemeetssomeonemovingintothearea,wantingtoplan their financial future, thinking of self defence, considering cosmeticsurgery,orneedinganewhairstyle,whocomestomind?Nottheunimaginativepeoplewho gave the tax-return description of their jobs, but theBigWinnerswhopaintedapictureofhelpingpeoplewithneeds.

Anutshellresumeforyourprivatelife

The Nutshell Resume works in nonbusiness situations, too. Since newacquaintanceswillalwaysaskyouaboutyourself,prepareafewexcitingstockanswers.Whenmeeting a potential friend or loved one,make your life soundlikeyouwillbeafunpersontoknow.Asayounggirl,Iwrotenovelsinmymindaboutmylife.‘Leil,squintingher

eyes against the torrential downpour, bravely reachedout thewindow into theicystormtopulltheshutterstightandkeepthefamilysafefromtheapproachinghurricane.’Bigdeal–Mamaaskedmetoclosethewindowswhenitstartedtorain. Still, marching toward the open window, I fancied myself the family’sbravesaviour.Youdon’t need tobequite somelodramatic inyour self-image, but at least

punchupyourlifetosoundinterestinganddedicated.

Technique25:

ThenutshellresumeJust as job-seeking topmanagers roll a different written resume off theirprintersforeachpositionthey’reapplyingfor,letadifferenttruestoryaboutyour professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Beforerespondingto‘Whatdoyoudo?’askyourself,‘Whatpossibleinterestcouldthispersonhave inmyanswer?Couldhe referbusiness tome?Buy fromme?Hireme?Marrymysister?Becomemybuddy?’Whereveryougo,packanutshellaboutyourownlifetoworkintoyour

communicationsbagoftricks.

Easypathtotheverballyelite

Didyoueverhearsomeonetrytosayawordthatwasjusttoodamnbigfortheirtongue?Bythesmileonthespeaker’sfaceandthegleaminhiseyeasthewordlimpedoffhislips,youknewhewasreallyproudofit.(Tomakemattersworse,he probably used the word incorrectly, inappropriately, and maybe evenmispronouncedit.Ouch.)Theworldperceivespeoplewithrichvocabulariestobemorecreative,more

intelligent. Peoplewith larger vocabularies get hired quicker, promoted faster,andlistenedtoawholelotmore.SoBigWinnersuserich,fullwords,buttheynever sound inappropriate. The phrases slide gracefully off their tongues toenrichtheirconversation.Thewordsfit.Withthecarethattheychoosetheirtieortheirblouse,BigPlayersinlifechoosewordstomatchtheirpersonalitiesandtheirpoints.Thestartlinggoodnewsisthatthedifferencebetweenarespectedvocabulary

andamundaneoneisonlyaboutfiftywords!Youdon’tneedmuchtosoundlikea Big Winner. A mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone theimpressionthatyouhaveanoriginalandcreativemind.Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You needn’t pore over vocabulary

books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with impossible Britishaccents.Youdon’tneedtolearntwo-dollarwordsthatyourgrandmother,ifsheheard,wouldwashoutofyourmouthwithsoap.Allyouneed todo is thinkofafewtired,overworkedwordsyouuseevery

day–wordslikesmart,nice,pretty,orgood.Thengrabathesaurusorbookofsynonymsofftheshelf.Lookupthatcommonwordevenyouareboredhearingyourselfuttereveryday.Examineyourlonglistofalternatives.Forexample,ifyouturntothewordsmart,you’llfinddozensofsynonyms.

Therearecolourful,richwordslike ingenious,resourceful,adroit,shrewd,and

many more. Run down the list and say each out loud. Which ones fit yourpersonality?Whichonesseemrightforyou?Tryeachonlikeasuitofclothestoseewhich feel comfortable.Choose a few favourites andpractise saying themalouduntiltheybecomeanaturalstapleofyourvocabulary.Thenexttimeyouwanttocomplimentsomeoneonbeingsmart,say,you’llbepurring

‘Oh,thatwassocleverofyou.’‘Myhowresourceful.’‘Thatwasingenious.’Ormaybe,‘Howastuteofyou.’

Andnow,formenonly

Gentlemen,wewomenspendalotoftimeinfrontofthemirror(asifyoudidn’tknow).When Iwas in college, it used to takemea full fifteenminutes to fixmyselfupforadate.Everyyearsince,I’vehadtoaddafewminutes.I’mnowuptoanhourandahalfdressingmyselfupforaneveningout.Gentlemen,whenyourwifecomesdownthestaircasealldolledupforanight

out,oryoupickaladyupfordinner,whatdoyousay?Ifyoumakenocommentexcept,‘Well,areyoureadytogo?’howdoyouthinkthatmakestheladyfeel?I have one friend, Gary, a nice gentleman who occasionally takes me to

dinner.Imethimabouttwelveyearsago,andI’llneverforgetthefirsttimehearrivedonmydoorstepforourdate.Hesaid,‘Leil,youlookgreat.’Iadoredhisreaction!IsawGaryamonthorsolater.Onmydoorstepagain,‘Leil,youlookgreat.’

Theprecisesamewordsasthefirsttime,butIstillappreciatedit.It’sbeentwelvelongyearsnowthatthisgentlemanandIhavebeenfriends.I

see him about once every twomonths, and every darn time it’s the same oldcomment, ‘Leil,you lookgreat.’ (I thinkI’llshowuponeevening inaflannelnightshirt and amudpack onmy face. I swearGarywill say, ‘Leil, you lookgreat.’)Duringmyseminars, tohelpmenavoidGary’smistake, Iaskeverymale to

thinkofasynonymforpretty,orgreat.ThenIbringuponewomanandseveralmen.Iaskeachtopretendheisherhusband.Shehasjustcomedownthestairsreadytogoouttodinner.Iaskeachtotakeherhandanddeliverhiscompliment.‘Darla,’onesays,‘youlookelegant.’‘Ooh!’Everywomanintheroomsighs.

‘Darla,’saysanother,takingherhand,‘youlookstunning.’‘Ooh!’Everywomanintheroomswoons.‘Darla,’saysthethird,puttingherhandbetweenhis,‘Youlookravishing.’‘Ooooh!’Bynoweverywomanintheroomhasgonelimp.Payattentionmen!Wordsworkonuswomen.

Moreunisexsuggestions

Supposeyou’vebeenatapartyanditwaswonderful.Don’ttellthehostsitwaswonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a splendid party, a superbparty,anextraordinaryparty.Hugthehostsandtellthemyouhadamagnificenttime,aremarkabletime,aglorioustime.Thefirstfewtimesyousayawordlikeglorious,itmaynotrollcomfortably

offyourtongue.Yetyouhavenotroublewiththewordwonderful.Hmm,glor-i-ousdoesn’thaveanymoresyllablesthanwon-der-ful.Neitherdoesithaveanymoredifficultsoundstopronounce.Vocabularyisallamatteroffamiliarity.Useyournewfavouritewordsa few timesand, just likebreaking inanewpairofshoes,you’llbeverycomfortablewearingyourgloriousnewwords.

Technique26:

YourpersonalthesaurusLook up some commonwords you use every day in the thesaurus. Then,likeslippingyourfeetintoanewpairofshoes,slipyourtongueintoafewnewwords to see how they fit. If you like them, startmaking permanentreplacements.Remember,onlyfiftywordsmakesthedifferencebetweenarich,creative

vocabularyandanaverage,middle-of-the-roadone.Substituteawordadayfortwomonthsandyou’llbeintheverballyelite.

Letthemdiscoveryoursimilarity

Tigers prowl with tigers, lions lurk with lions, and little alley cats scramblearoundwithotherlittlealleycats.Similaritybreedsattraction.Butinthehumanjungle,BigCatsknowasecret.Whenyoudelayrevealingyoursimilarity,orletthemdiscoverit,ithasmuchmorepunch.Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of

jumpinginwithabreathless,‘Hey,me,too!Idothat,too’or‘Iknowallaboutthat,’ letyourConversationPartnerenjoy talkingabout it.Lethergoonaboutthe country club before you tell her you’re a member, too. Let him go onanalyzingthegolfswingofArnoldPalmerbeforeyoustartcasuallycomparingtheswingsofgolfgreatsGreg,Jack,Tiger,andArnie.Lethertellyouhowmanytennisgamesshe’swonbeforeyoujusthappentomentionyourUSTAranking.Severalyearsago,IwastellinganewacquaintancehowmuchIlovetoski.

He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed travelogue of places I’dskied. I raved about the various resorts. I analyzed the various conditions. Idiscussed artificial versus natural snow. It wasn’t until near the end of mymonologuethatIfinallyhadthesensetoaskmynewacquaintanceifheskied.Hereplied,‘Yes,IkeepalittleapartmentinAspen.’Cool! Ifhe’d jumpedinand toldmeabouthisskipadrightafter I first told

him how much I liked skiing, I’d have been impressed. Mildly. However,waitinguntil theend ofourconversation–and then revealinghewas suchanavidskierthathekeptanAspenskipad–madeitunforgettable.Here’s the technique I call Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ Whenever people

mentionanactivityorinterestyoushare,letthemenjoydiscussingtheirpassion.Then,whenthetimeisright,casuallymentionyousharetheirinterest.

Oh,Imusthavebeenboringyou!

Iwaitedweeks for theopportunity to try it out.Finally themomentpresenteditself at a convention.Anewcontactbegan tellingmeabouther recent trip toWashington,D.C.(ShehadnoideathatWashingtonwaswhereIgrewup.)Shetoldmeallabout theCapitol, theWashingtonmonument, theKennedyCenter,andhowsheandherhusbandwentbicyclinginRockCreekPark.(MomentarilyI forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practise my new technique. I wasgenuinely enjoying hearing about these familiar sights from a visitor’sperspective.)Iaskedherwhereshestayed,whereshedined,andifshehadachancetoget

intoanyofthebeautifulMarylandorVirginiasuburbs.Atonepoint,obviouslypleasedbymyinterestinhertrip,shesaid,‘YousoundlikeyouknowalotaboutWashington.’‘Yes,’Ireplied.‘It’smyhometown,butIhaven’tbeenbackthereinages.’‘Your hometown!’ she squealed. ‘My goodness, why didn’t you tell me? I

musthavebeenboringyou.’‘Oh,notatall,’Irepliedhonestly.‘Iwasenjoyinghearingaboutyourtripso

much, Iwasafraidyou’d stop if I toldyou.’Herbig smileandbarelyaudible‘Ohgosh’letmeknowIhadwonanewfriend.Whensomeonestartstellingyouaboutanactivityhehasdone,atripshehas

made,aclubhebelongsto,aninterestshehas–anythingthatyoushare–biteyourtongue.Letthetellerrelishhisorherownmonologue.Relaxandenjoyit,too, secretlyknowinghowmuchpleasureyourConversationPartnerwillhavewhenyourevealyousharethesameexperience.Then,whenthemomentisripe,casuallydiscloseyoursimilarity.Andbesuretomentionhowmuchyouenjoyedhearingabouthisorhersharedinterest.

Technique27:

Killthequick‘me,too!’Whenever you have something in commonwith someone, the longer youwait to reveal it, themoremoved (and impressed) he or shewill be.Youemerge as a confident BigCat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quickconnectionwithastranger.PS:Don’twaittoolongtorevealyoursharedinterestoritwillseemlike

you’rebeingtricky.

BeaYOU-firstie

‘SEX!NowthatIhaveyourattention…’Two-bitcomicshavebeenusingthatgag from the days when two bits bought a foursquare meal. However, BigWinnersknowthere’sathree-letterwordmorepotentthenSEX togetpeople’sattention.ThatwordisYOU.Why is YOU such a powerful word? Because when we were infants, we

thoughtwewerethecentreoftheuniverse.NothingmatteredbutME,MYSELF,andI.Therestof theshadowyformsstirringaboutus(whichwelater learnedwere other people) existed solely for what they could do for us. Self-centredlittle tykes that we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word,into,‘HowdoesthataffectME?’BigWinners knowwe haven’t changed a bit.Adults camouflage their self-

centrednessunderamaskofcivilizationandpoliteness.Yetthehumanbrainstillimmediately, instinctively, and unfailingly translates everything into terms of‘HowdoesthataffectME?’For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague, Jill, if she

wouldliketojoinyoufordinner.Soyousaytoher,‘There’sareallygoodnewIndianrestaurantintown.Willyoujoinmetherefordinnertonight?’Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, ‘By “good” does hemean the

foodortheatmosphereorboth?’Herreveriecontinues,‘Indiancuisine,I’mnotsure.He says it’sgood.However,will I like it?’While thinking, Jill hesitates.You probably take her hesitation personally, and the joy of the exchangediminishes.Suppose, instead, you had said to her, ‘Jill, YOUwill really love this new

Indian restaurant.Will you joinme there this evening for dinner?’ Phrasing itthatway,you’vealreadysubliminallyansweredJill’squestionsandshe’smoreapttogiveyouaquickyes.

The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psychologists tell useveryone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and pullsawayfromthatwhichispainful.Formanypeople,thinkingispainful.So Big Winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by, sell to

people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They translateeverything into theotherperson’s termsby startingasmany sentencesas theycanwith thatpowerful little three-letterword,YOU.Thus, I call the techniqueComm-YOU-nication.

Comm-YOU-nicatewhenyouwantafavour

PuttingYOUfirstgetsamuchbetterresponse,especiallywhenyou’reaskingafavour,because itpushes theasker’spridebutton.Supposeyouwant to takealongweekend.Youdecide toaskyourboss ifyoucan takeFridayoff.Whichrequestdoyouthinkheorsheisgoingtoreacttomorepositively?‘CanItakeFridayoff,Boss?’Orthisone:‘Boss,canYOUdowithoutmeFriday?’Inthefirstcase,Bosshadtotranslateyour‘CanItakeFridayoff’into‘CanI

dowithout this employee Friday?’ That’s an extra thought process. (And youknowhowsomebosseshatetothink!)However,inthesecondcase,‘Boss,canYOUdowithoutmeFriday,’youdid

Boss’sthinkingforher.Yournewwordingmademanagingwithoutyouamatterofpride forBoss. ‘Ofcourse,’ shesaid toherself. ‘IcanmanagewithoutyourhelpFriday.’

Comm-YOU-nicateyourcompliments

Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation.Gentlemen, say aladylikesyoursuit.Whichwomangivesyouwarmerfeelings?Thewomanwhosays,‘Ilikeyoursuit.’Ortheonewhosays,‘YOUlookgreatinthatsuit.’Big Players who make business presentations use Comm-YOU-nication to

excellent advantage. Suppose you’re giving a talk and a participant asks aquestion.Helikestohearyousay,‘That’sagoodquestion.’However,considerhowmuchbetterhefeelswhenyoutellhim,‘YOU’VEaskedagoodquestion.’Salespeople, don’t just tell yourprospects, ‘It’s important that…’Convince

thembyinformingthem,‘YOU’LLseetheimportanceof…’

Whennegotiating,insteadof,‘Theresultwillbe…’letthemknow,‘YOU’LLseetheresultwhenyou…’Starting sentences with YOU even works when talking to strangers on the

street. Once, driving around San Francisco hopelessly lost, I asked peoplewalkingalongthesidewalkhowtoget to theGoldenGateBridge. Istoppedacoupletrudgingupahill.‘Excuseme,’Icalledoutthewindow,‘Ican’tfindtheGoldenGateBridge.’Thepairlookedateachotherandshruggedwiththat‘Howstupid can these tourists get’ lookon their faces. ‘That direction,’ thehusbandmumbled,pointingstraightahead.Still lost, Icalledout to thenextcoupleIencountered.‘Excuseme,where’s

the Golden Gate Bridge?’ Without smiling, they pointed in the oppositedirection.Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came upon the next

strollingcouple,Icalledoutthewindow,‘Excuseme,couldYOUtellmewheretheGoldenGateBridgeis?’‘Ofcourse,’ theysaid,answeringmyquestionliterally.Yousee,byphrasing

thequestion thatway, itwasasubtlechallenge. Iwasasking, inessence, ‘Areyouabletogivemedirections?’Thishitstheminthepridebutton.Theywalkedovertomycarandgavemeexplicitinstructions.Hey,Ithought.ThisYOUstuffreallyworks.Totestmyhypothesis,Itriedita

fewmore times. Ikeptaskingpassers-bymythreeformsof thequestion.Sureenough,whenever I asked, ‘CouldYOU tellmewhere…’ peopleweremorepleasantandhelpfulthanwhenIstartedthequestionwithIorWhere.I’msurewhen they recover the flightbox from theFallofManundera fig

leafintheGardenofEden,itwillconvincetheworldofthepowerofthewordYOU.EvedidnotaskAdamtoeattheapple.Shedidnotcommandhimtoeattheapple.Shedidn’tevensay,‘Adam,Iwantyoutoeatthisapple.’Shephrasedit(asallBigWinnerswould),‘YOUwilllovethisapple.’That’swhyhebit.

Technique28:

Comm-YOU-nicationStart every appropriate sentence with YOU. It immediately grabs yourlistener’s attention. It gets amore positive response because it pushes thepridebuttonandsavesthemhavingtotranslateitinto‘me’terms.WhenyousprinkleYOUas liberallyassaltandpepper throughoutyour

conversation,yourlistenersfinditanirresistiblespice.

Comm-YOU-nicationisasignofsanity

Therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say I andme twelve timesmoreoftenthanresidentsoftheoutsideworld.Aspatients’conditionsimprove,thenumberoftimestheyusethepersonalpronounsalsodiminishes.Continuingupthesanityscale,thefewertimesyouuseI,themoresaneyou

seemtoyourlisteners.IfyoueavesdroponBigWinnerstalkingwitheachother,you’llnoticealotmoreyouthanIintheirconversation.

ThenexttechniqueconcernsawayBigWinnersaresilentlyYOU-oriented.

‘Idon’tsmileatjustanybody’

Haveyoueverseenthoselow-budgetmail-orderfashioncataloguesthatusethesamemodelthroughout?Whethersheisengulfedinaweddinggownorpartiallycladinabikini,herfacesportsthesameplasticsmile.Lookingather,yougetthefeelingifyourappedonherforehead,atinyvoicewouldcomebacksaying‘Nobody’sinhere.’Whereasmodelsinmoresophisticatedmagazineshavemasteredamyriadof

different expressions: a flirtatious ‘I’ve got a secret’ smile on one page; aquizzical‘IthinkI’dliketogettoknowyoubutI’mnotsure’smileonthenext;andamysteriousMonaLisasmileonthethird.Youfeelthere’sabrainrunningtheoperationsomewhereinsidethatbeautifulhead.I once stood in the receiving line of the ship I worked on, along with the

captain,hiswifeandseveralotherofficers.Onepassengerwitharadiantsmilestarted shaking hands down our line. When he got to me, he flashed ashimmeringsmile,revealingteethasevenandwhiteaskeysonanewpiano.Iwas transfixed. It was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dimballroom. I wished him a happy cruise and resolved to find this charminggentlemanlater.Thenhewasintroducedtothenextperson.Outofthecornerofmyeye,Isaw

hisidenticalglisteninggrin.Athirdperson,thesamegrin.Myinterestbegantodwindle.Whenhegavehisfourthindistinguishablesmiletothenextperson,hestarted

toresembleaCheshirecat.Bythetimehewasintroducedtothefifthperson,hisconsistentsmilefeltlikeastrobelightdisturbingtheambianceoftheballroom.StrobeManwentonflashingeverybodythesamesmiledowntheline.Ihadnofurtherinterestintalkingwithhim.

Whydidthisman’sstockshoothighinmytickeroneminuteandplummetthenext?Becausehissmile,althoughcharming,reflectednospecialreactiontome.Obviously, he gave the same smile to everybody and, by that, it lost all itsspecialness. If StrobeMan had given each of us a slightly different smile, hewouldhaveappearedsensitiveandinsightful.(Ofcourse,ifhissmilehadbeenjust a tad bigger for me than for the others, I couldn’t have waited for theformalitiestobeovertoseekhimoutinthecrowdedballroom.)

Reviewyourrepertoireofsmiles

Ifyourjobrequiredyoutocarryagun,youwould,ofcourse,learnallaboutthemoving parts before firing it. And before taking aim, you would carefullyconsiderwhether itwouldmurder,maim, ormerelywound your target. Sinceyoursmileisoneofyourbiggestcommunicationsweapons,learnallaboutthemoving parts and the effect on your target. Set aside fiveminutes. Lock yourbedroom or bathroom door so your family doesn’t think you’ve gone off thedeepend.Nowstandinfrontofthemirrorandflashafewsmiles.Discoverthesubtledifferencesinyourrepertoire.Just as you would alternate saying ‘Hello,’ ‘How do you do,’ and ‘I am

pleased to meet you’ when being introduced to a group of people, vary yoursmile.Don’tusethesameoneach.Leteachofyoursmilesreflectthenuancesofyoursentimentabouttherecipient.

Technique29:

TheexclusivesmileIf you flash everybody the same smile, like aConfederate dollar, it losesvalue.Whenmeetinggroupsofpeople,graceeachwithadistinctsmile.LetyoursmilesgrowoutofthebeautyBigPlayersfindineachnewface.Ifonepersoninagroupismoreimportanttoyouthantheothers,reserve

anespeciallybig,floodingsmilejustforhimorher.

Indefenceofthequickie

Therearetimes,Idiscovered,whenthequickput-onsmileworks.Forexample,whenyouwanttoengineertheacquaintanceofsomeonetowhomyouhavenot

hadtheopportunitytobeintroduced.(Inthevernacular,that’s‘pickthemup.’)Thesmile’spickuppowerwasprovenforposteritybysolemnresearchersat

theUniversity ofMissouri. They conducted a highly controlled study entitled‘Giving Men the Come-on: Effect of Eye Contact and Smiling in a BarEnvironment.’15 (I kidyounot.)Toprove their hypothesis, female researchersmadeeyecontactwithunsuspectingmalesubjectsenjoyingalittlelibationinalocaldrinkingestablishment.Sometimes, the female researchers followed theirglancewithasmile.Inothercases,nosmile.Theresults?Iquotethestudy:‘Thehighestapproachbehaviour,60percent,

wasobservedin theconditioninwhichtherewassmiling.’That translates intolayman’sEnglish: ‘The guy came over 60 per cent of the timewhen the ladysmiled.’Withoutthesmile,he‘madetheapproachonly20percentofthetime.’So,yes,asmileworksforthosewhowishtopicksomebodyup.However, in situations where the stakes are higher, try theFlooding Smile

fromthefirstsection,andnowtheExclusiveSmile.

Thequickestwaytotellajerk

Do you remember that scene from themovie classicAnnieHall whereDianeKeaton is firstmeetingWoodyAllen?Asshe’schattingwithhim,wehearherprivatethoughts.She’smusingtoherself,‘OhIhopehe’snotajerklikealltheothers.’OneofthequickestwaystomakeaBigWinnerthinkyouare,well,ajerk,is

touseacliché.Ifyou’rechattingwithaTopCommunicatorandeveninnocentlyremark ‘Yes, I was tired as a dog,’ or ‘She was cute as a button,’ you’veunknowinglylaidalinguisticbomb.BigWinnerssilentlymoanwhen theyhearsomeonemoutha triteoverworn

phrase.Ohsure,justlikerestofus,BigWinnersfindthemselvesfeelingfitasafiddle,happyasalark,orhighasakite.Liketherestofhumanity,theyconsidersomeoftheiracquaintancescrazyasaloon,nuttyasafruitcake,orblindasabat.Becausemanyofthemworkhard,manyofthemareasbusyasabeeandgetrichasCroesus.Yetwouldanyofthemdescribethemselvesinthosewords?Notinamillion

years!Why?BecausewhenaBigWinnerhearsyourcliché,youmightaswellbe saying, ‘My powers of imagination are impoverished. I can’t think ofanything original to say, so Imust fall back on these trite overworn phrases.’Mouthingacommonclichéarounduncommonlysuccessfulpeoplebrandsyouasuncommonlycommon.

Technique30:

Don’ttouchaclichéwitha

ten-footpoleBeonguard.Don’tuseanyclichéswhenchattingwithBigWinners.Don’teven touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not evenwhen hell freezesover?Notunlessyouwanttosounddumbasadoorknob.

Insteadofcoughingupacliché,rollyourowncleverphrasesbyusingthenexttechnique.

You’vegotpro’sequipment

Theysaythepenismightierthanthesword.Itis,butthetongueisevenmightierthan the pen.Our tongues can bring crowds to laughter, to tears, and often totheirfeetinshoutingappreciation.Oratorshavemovednationstowarorbroughtlost souls to God. Andwhat is their equipment? The same eyes, ears, hands,legs,arms,andvocalchordsyouandIhave.Perhapsaprofessionalathletehasastrongerbodyoraprofessionalsingeris

blessedwithamorebeautifulsingingvoicethantheoneweweredoledout.Butthe professional speaker starts outwith the same equipmentwe all have. Thedifference is, these jawsmiths use it all. They use their hands, they use theirbodies,andtheyusespecificgestureswithheavyimpact.Theythinkaboutthespacethey’retalkingin.Theyemploymanydifferenttonesofvoice,theyinvokevarious expressions, they vary the speed with which they speak… and theymakeeffectiveuseofsilence.Youmay not have tomake a formal speech anytime soon, but chances are

sometime(probablyverysoon)you’regoingtowantpeople toseethingsyourway, whether it’s persuading your family to spend their next vacation atGrandma’s, or convincing the stockholders in your multimillion-dollarcorporationthatit’stimetodoatakeover,doitlikeapro.Getabookortwoonpublicspeakingandlearnsomeofthetricksofthetrade.Thenputsomeofthatdramaintoyoureverydayconversation.

Agemforeveryoccasion

Ifstirringwordshelpmakeyourpoint,pondertheimpactofpowerfulphrases.They’ve helped politicians get elected (‘ReadMy Lips, No New Taxes’) and

defendantsgetacquitted(‘Ifitdoesn’tfit,youmustacquit.’)IfGeorgeBushhad said, ‘I promisenot to raise taxes,’ or JohnnyCochran,

duringO.J.Simpson’scriminaltrial,hadsaid,‘Iftheglovedoesn’tfit,hemustbeinnocent,’theirbulkysentenceswouldhaveslippedinandoutofthevoter’sor juror’s consciousness. As every politician and trial lawyer knows, neatphrasesmakepowerfulweapons.(Ifyou’renotcareful,yourenemieswilllaterusethemagainstyou–readmylips!)OneofmyfavouritespeakersisaradiobroadcasternamedBarryFarberwho

brightens up late-night radio with sparkling similes. Barrywould never use aclichélikenervousasacatonahottinroof.He’ddescribebeingnervousaboutlosinghisjobas‘Ifeltlikeanelephantdanglingoveracliffwithhistailtiedtoadaisy.’ Instead of saying he looked at a prettywoman, he’d say, ‘My eyeballspoppedoutanddangledbytheopticnerve.’When I firstmethim, Iasked, ‘MrFarber,howdoyoucomeupwith these

phrases?’‘Mydaddy’sMrFarber. I’mBarry,’hechided (hiswayof saying, ‘Callme

Barry’).He thencandidlyadmitted, althoughsomeofhisphrasesareoriginal,manyareborrowed.(ElvisPresleyusedtosay,‘Mydaddy’sMrPresley.CallmeElvis.’) Like all professional speakers, Barry spends several hours a weekgleaningthroughbooksofquotationsandhumour.Allprofessionalspeakersdo.Theycollectbonmotstheycanuseinavarietyofsituations–mostespeciallytoscrapeeggofftheirfaceswhensomethingunexpectedhappens.Many speakers use author’s and speaker’s agent Lilly Walters’s face-saver

linesfromherbook,WhattoSayWhenYou’reDyingonthePlatform.16Ifyoutellajokeandnoonelaughs,try‘Thatjokewasdesignedtogetasilentlaugh–anditworked.’Ifthemicrophoneletsoutanagonizinghowl,lookatitandsay,‘I don’t understand. I brushedmy teeth thismorning.’ If someone asks you aquestion you don’t want to answer, ‘Could you save that question until I’mfinished–andwellonmywayhome?’Allpros thinkofholes theymight fallintoandthenmemorizegreatescapelines.Youcandothesame.Look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day conversations.

Insteadofhappyasa lark try ‘happyasa lotterywinner’or ‘happyasababywith its first ice cream cone.’ Instead ofbald as an eagle, try ‘bald as a newmarine’or‘baldasabullfrog’sbelly.’Insteadofquietasamouse,try‘quietasaneelswimminginoil’or‘quietasaflylightingonafeatherduster.’Findphrasesthathavevisualimpact.Insteadofaclichélikesureasdeathand

taxes, try ‘as certain as beach traffic in July’ or ‘as sure as your shadowwill

followyou.’Yourlistenerscan’tseedeathortaxes.ButtheysurecanseebeachtrafficinJulyortheirshadowfollowingthemdownthestreet.Trytomakeyoursimilesrelatetothesituation.Ifyou’reridinginataxiwith

someone, ‘as sureas that taximeterwill rise’has immediate impact. Ifyou’retalkingwithamanwalkinghisdog,‘assureasyourdogisthinkingaboutthattree’addsatouchofhumour.

Make’emlaugh,make’emlaugh,make’emlaugh

Humourenrichesanyconversation.Butnotjokesstartingwith,‘Heydidjahearthe one about …?’ Plan your humour and make it relevant. For example, ifyou’regoingtoameetingonthebudget,lookupmoneyinaquotationbook.Inanuptightbusinesssituation,alittlelevityshowsyou’reatease.Once, during an oppressive financial meeting, I heard a top executive say,

‘Don’tworry, this companyhas enoughmoney to stay inbusiness foryears–unlesswepayourcreditors.’Hebrokethetensionandwontheappreciationofall.LaterIsawasimilarquoteinahumourbookattributedtoJackieMason,thecomedian.Sowhat?TheexecstillcameacrossasCoolCommunicatorwithhisclevercomment.BigPlayerswhowant tobequotedinthemedialieawakeatnightgnawing

the pillow trying to comeupwith phrases the presswill pick up.AMichiganveterinarian named Timothy, a heavy hitter in his own field but completelyunknownoutsideit,madenationalheadlineswhenheplannedtoattachapairoffeettoaroosterwholosthistofrostbite.Why?Becausehecalledita‘drumsticktransplant.’Idon’tknowifaFrenchwoman,JeanneCalment,thenofficiallytheworld’s

oldest person,was looking for publicity on her 122nd birthday.But shemadeinternationalheadlineswhenshetoldthemedia,‘I’veonlyeverhadonewrinkle,andI’msittingonit.’Mark Victor Hansen, a Big Player in his own field but once relatively

unknownoutsideofit,waspropelledintonationalprominencewhenhecameupwithacatchynameforhisbookco-authoredwithJackCanfield,ChickenSoupfortheSoul.Hetoldmehisoriginaltitlewas101PrettyStories.Howfarwouldthathavegone?Soontheworldwaslappingup,amongothers,hisChickenSoupfortheWoman’sSoul,ChickenSoupfortheTeenageSoul,ChickenSoupfortheMother’s Soul,Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, plus second, third, and

fourth servings of chicken soup in hardcover, paperback, audiocassette,videocassette,andcalendars.

Awordofwarning

Nomatterhowgoodyourmaterial is, it bombs if it doesn’t fit the situation. Ilearnedthisthehardwayduringmycruiseshipdays.OnacruisetoEnglandIdecidedtogivemypassengersareadingoftheEnglishlovepoemsofElizabethBarrettandRobertBrowning.Youknow,‘HowdoIlovethee?Letmecounttheways.’ItwasaBIGhit.Thepassengersloveditandravedfordays.Icouldn’twalk out on deck without some passenger turning to me and affectionatelyechoing,‘HowdoIlovethee?’Naturally I got a pretty swollen head over this performance and fancied

myselfaneminentpoetryreader.Idecidedtorewardthepassengersonthenextcruise (which was a cruise to the Caribbean and didn’t go anywhere in theneighbourhood of England) with my spectacular reading of the English lovepoems.WHATABOMB!Passengersavoidedmeonthedeckfortherestofthecruise.‘Howdidyouboreme?Letmecounttheways.’

Technique31:

Usejawsmith’sjiveWhetheryou’restandingbehindapodiumfacing thousands,orbehind thebarbecue grill facing your family, you’llmove, amuse, andmotivatewiththesameskills.Read speakers’books tocullquotations,pullpearlsofwisdom,andget

gemstotickletheirfunnybones.Findafewbonmotstocasuallyslideoffyour tongue on chosen occasions. If youwant to be notable, dream up acrazyquotable.Make’emrhyme,make’emclever,ormake’emfunny.Aboveall,make

’emrelevant.

Bigwinnerscallitlikeitis

If you stepped into a lift full of people speaking Hungarian, you might notrecognize theywereHungarianunlessyouspoke their language.However, theminuteyouopenedyourmouth,they’drecognizeyou’renotHungarian.It’sthesamewiththeBigCats.Ifyouoverhearseveralofthemspeaking,you

might not recognize they’re Big Cats. However, the minute you opened yourmouththey’drecognizeyou’renotaBigCat,unlessyouspoketheirlingo.What are some differences between a Big Cat’s growl and a little cat’s

insignificanthiss?Oneofthemostblatantiseuphemisms.BigCatsaren’tafraidof real words. They call a spade a spade.Words like toilet paper don’t scarethem.Littlecatshidebehindbathroomtissue.Ifsomebodyisrich,BigCatscallitrich.Littlecats,ohsoembarrassedat theconceptof talkingaboutmoney inpolite company, substitute the wordwealthy.When little cats use a substitutewordoreuphemism,theymightaswellbesaying,‘Whoops,youarebetterthanIam.I’minpolitecompanynowandsoI’llusethenicey-niceword.’BigCatsareanatomicallycorrect–nocutesywords forbodyparts.They’ll

say breasts when they mean breasts. When they say knockers, they meandecorative structures that hangon the front door.And family jewels are in thesafeonthewall.IfaBigCatiseverindoubtaboutaword,heorshesimplyresortstoFrench.

If theyfeel thewordbuttocks isdebatable,derrierewilldoquitenicely, thankyou.

Technique32:

Callaspadeaspade

Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’tmeanBigCatsusetastelessfour-letterwordswhenperfectlydecentfiveandsix-letter ones exist. They’ve simply learned the Queen’s English, and theyspeakit.

Here’sanotherwaytotelltheBigPlayersfromthelittleonesjustbylisteningtoafewminutesoftheirconversation.

Anotherdeadgiveaway

Once I was at a small dinner party given by the president of an advertisingagency,Louis,andhiswife,Lillian.Theeveningstartedwithcocktails,followedby a gourmet meal accompanied by a selection of excellent wines. Theconversationhadbeenconvivial, thecuisinedelicious,and thewinevery fine.Andveryplentiful.Attheendoftheevening,Louisraisedhisglasstomakeatoast.Afewwinedropletssloshedoutofhisglassontothetablecloth.A pretty youngwomanwhowas the date of a new art director namedBob

giggledandsaid,‘Icantellyou’refeelingnopain.’Shockwaveswentaroundthetable.Everyonefroze.Thehostwasindeedabit

inebriated.However,alludingtoLouisbeingalittlelooped,eveninjest,wasasthoughthewomanhadsuddenlysmashedthecrystalchandelierabovethetablewithherdinnerplate.Oneguestquicklycoveredthegirl’shorrifyinggaffebyliftingherglassand

saying‘Noneofusare.NooneinthecompanyofLouisandLilliancouldeverfeelanypain.Here’stoatrulywonderfulevening.’Louisthencontinuedwithhistoasttothewonderfulcompany,andnoonewas

feelingpainanylonger.ExceptBob.Heknewhisdate’sinnocentteasingwasablackmark,ifnotinhispersonnelfile,onhispersonalfile.The next sure sign of little cathood is teasing.Little cats go around patting

theirfriends’paunchesandsaying,‘Enjoyingthatcheesecake,huh?’Orlookingattheirbaldingheadsandsaying,‘Hey,hairtoday,gonetomorrow,huh?’Theythinkit’shilarioustomakeaquipatsomeoneelse’sexpenseandsay‘Youdon’thaveaninferioritycomplex.Youareinferior!Hardyharhar.’

Technique33:

TrashtheteasingAdeadgiveawayofalittlecatishisorherproclivitytotease.Aninnocentjoke at someone else’s expensemayget you a cheap laugh.Nevertheless,theBigCatswillhavethelastone.Becauseyou’llbangyourheadagainstthe glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on theirpaws.Never,ever,makeajokeatanyoneelse’sexpense.You’llwinduppaying

forit,dearly.

Keepyoureyeonwho’scatchingtheball

InancientEgypt,thepharaohtreatedthehumblestmessagerunnerlikeaprincewhen he arrived at the palace, if he brought good news. However, if theexhausted runner had the misfortune to bring the pharaoh unhappy news, hisheadwaschoppedoff.Shades of that spirit pervade today’s conversations. Once a friend and I

packedupsomepeanutbutterandjellysandwichesforanouting.Aswewaltzedhappilyout thedoor,picnicbasket inhand,asmilingneighbour,rockingawayonhisporch,lookedupattheskyandsaid,‘Ohboy,baddayforapicnic.Thenewscastsaysit’sgoingtorain.’Iwantedtorubhisfaceinmypeanut-butterandjellysandwich.Notforhisgloomyweatherreport,forhissmile.SeveralmonthsagoIwasracingtocatchabus.AsIbreathlesslyshovedmy

handfulofcashacrosstheGreyhoundcounter,thegrinningsalesagentgushed,‘Ohthatbusleftfiveminutesago.’Dreamsofdecapitation!It’s not thenews thatmakes someone angry. It’s the unsympathetic attitude

withwhichit’sdelivered.Everyonemustgivebadnewsfromtimetotime,andwinningprofessionalsdoitwiththeproperattitude.Adoctoradvisingapatientsheneedsanoperationdoesitwithcompassion.Abossinforminganemployeehe didn’t get the job takes on a sympathetic demeanor. Grief counsellors atairports after fatal crashes share the grief-stricken sentiment of relatives. BigWinnersknow,whendeliveringanybadnews,theyshouldsharethesentimentofthereceiver.Unfortunately, many people are not aware of this sensitivity. When you’re

weary from a long flight, has a hotel clerk cheerfully chirped that your roomisn’treadyyet?Whenyouhadyourheartsetontheroastbeef,hasyourwaitermerrilywarbledthathejustservedthelastpiece?Whenyouneededcashfortheweekend,hasyourbanktellergleefullytoldyouyouraccountisoverdrawn?It

makes you as traveller, diner, or depositorwant to put your fist right throughtheirinsensitivegrins.Had my neighbour told me of the impending rainstorm with sympathy, I

would have appreciated his warning. Had the Greyhound salesclerksympathetically informed me that my bus had already left, I probably wouldhavesaid,‘Oh,that’sallright.I’llcatchthenextone.’BigWinners,whentheybear bad news, deliver bombswith the emotion the bombarded person is suretohave.

Technique34:

It’sthereceiver’sballAfootballplayerwouldn’tlasttwobeatsofthetimeclockifhemadeblindpasses.Aprothrowstheballwiththereceiveralwaysinmind.Beforethrowingoutanynews,keepyourreceiverinmind.Thendeliver

itwith a smile, a sigh,or a sob.Not according tohowyou feel about thenews,buthowthereceiverwilltakeit.

BigWinnersknowhowtogivebadnewstopeople.Theyalsoknowhownottogiveanynewstoanyone,evenwhenpeoplearepressuringthem.Let’sexplorethatnext.

Whenyoudon’twanttoanswer(andwishthey’dshuttheheckup)

Oneofmyclients,aministar inthefurniturebusiness,recentlyseparatedfromher husband and business partner, a megastar in the furniture business. Theysuffered a long andmessy divorce that resulted in them keeping the businessjointly,butnothavingtodealwitheachother.Soon after the divorce, I was at an industry convention with my client,

Barbara. Since she and her husband Frankwere both beloved in the industry,peoplewerecuriouswhathadhappenedandhowitaffectedtheircompany.But,ofcourse,noonedaredaskoutright.AndBarbarawasofferingnoexplanations.IwasseatednexttoBarbaraatthegalafarewelldinner.Apparentlyoneofher

colleaguesatthetablecouldn’tcontainhercuriosityanylonger.Duringdessert,she leaned over to Barbara and in a hushed voice asked, ‘Barbara, whathappenedwithyouandFrank?’Barbara,unruffledbytherudequestion,simplytookaspoonfulofhercherries

jubileeandsaid,‘We’veseparated,butthecompanyisunaffected.’Not satisfied with that answer, the woman pumped harder. ‘Are you still

workingtogether?’Barbara took another bite of her dessert and repeated in precisely the same

toneofvoice,‘We’veseparated,butthecompanyisunaffected.’Thefrustratedinterrogatorwasnotgoingtogiveupeasily.‘Areyoubothstill

workinginthecompany?’Barbara, appearing not the least disturbed by the woman’s incontinent

insistence,scoopedthelastcherryoutofherdish,smiled,lookeddirectlyather,and said in the identical tone of voice, ‘We’ve separated, but the company isunaffected.’

That shut her up.Barbara had shown herBigWinner’s badge by using theBrokenRecordtechnique,themosteffectivewaytocurtailanunwelcomecross-examination.

Technique35:

ThebrokenrecordWhenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject,simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words inpreciselythesametoneofvoice.Hearingitagainusuallyquietsthemdown.If your rude interrogatorhangson like a leech,yournext repetitionneverfailstoflickthemoff.

Howbigplayershandleacelebrity

Supposeyou’ve justsettled infordinneratanicerestaurant.Youlookoveratthenext table, andwhodoyou see? Is it really he?Could it possiblybe? It’sgottabea look-alike.No, it isn’t! It really is…WoodyAllen. (Substituteanycelebrityhere:yourfavouritemoviestar,politician,broadcaster,bosswhoownsthecompanythatownsthecompanyyouworkfor.)Andtherethecelestialbodyisintheflesh,sittingnottenfeetfromyou.Whatshouldyoudo?Nothing!Letthestarenjoyabriefmomentofanonymity.Ifheorsheshould

castaglanceinyourdirection,giveasmileandanod.Thenwaftyourgazebacktoyourdiningcompanion.Youwill bea lot cooler in the eyesofyourdinnerpartnerifyoutakeitallinyourstride.Now, if you just can’t resist this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to press the

fleshoftheMegastarandtellhimorherofyouradmiration,here’showtodoitwithgrace.Waituntilyouor the luminaryare leaving therestaurant.After thechequehasbeenpaidandyouwillobviouslynotbe takingmuchofhisorhertime,youmaymakeyourapproach.Saysomethinglike,‘MrAllen,Ijustwantto tell you howmuch pleasure your wonderful films have givenme over theyears.Thankyousomuch.’Didyoupickupthesubtletyhere?Youarenotcomplimentinghiswork.‘After

all,’ he might well ask himself, ‘who are you to judge whether I am a greatfilmmakerornot?’Youcanonlyspeakfromyourownperspective.Youdothisbytellinghimhowmuchpleasurehisworkhasgivenyou.Ifit’syourboss’sboss’sboss’sbosswhomthefateshavesenttobaskinyour

adulation, do the same.Donot say ‘Bill’ or ‘MrGates, you really run agreatcompany.’‘Lowly geek,’ he thinks, ‘who are you to judge?’ Instead, tell himwhat an

honour it is to work for him. Obviously this is not the moment to detail the

intricacies of your improvements on image-editing software for digitizingphotographs.ThenletyourbodylanguageexpressthatifWoodyorBillorotherMegastar

wantstoleaveitatthat,youarehappywiththeexchange.If,however,Megastaris captivated by you (or has had somuch liquidmerriment that he or she hasdecidedtominglewiththemassestonight),thenallbetsareoff.You’reonyourown.Enjoy!Untilyoupickupthefirstbody-languagesignthattheywouldliketo end it. Think of yourself as a ballroom dance student waltzing with yourteacher.Heleads,youfollow.Andhetellsyouwhenthewaltzisover.Incidentally,ifMegastariswithacompanionandyourconversationgoeson

formore thana fewmoments,direct somecommentsat thecompanion. If thesatellite is insuchstellarcompany,heorsheisprobablyalsoanaccomplishedperson.Felicia,a friendofmine, isa talented trial lawyerwho ismarried toa local

TV-show host. Because Tom is on television, people recognize himwherevertheygo,andFeliciagetsignored.Feliciatellsmehowfrustratingitis,evenforTom. Whenever they go to a party, people gush all over Tom, and Felicia’sfascinatingworkhardlyevergetsmentioned.SheandTomused to lovegoingouttodinner,butnowtheyhideoutathomeintheevenings.Why?Becausetheycan’tstandtheinterruptionsofoverlyeffervescentfans.

‘Ilovewhatyouusedtobe(youhas-been)’

Another sensitivity: the film star is probably obsessed with his last film, thepolitician with her last election, a corporate mogul with his last takeover, anauthor with her last novel – and so forth. So when discussing the star’s, thepolitician’s, the mogul’s, the author’s, or any VIP’s work, try to keep yourcommentstocurrentorrecentwork.TellingWoodyAllenhowmuchyoulovedhis1980filmStardustMemorieswouldnotendearyoutohim.‘Whataboutallmywonderfulfilmssince?’thinkshe.Sticktothepresentorveryrecentpastifpossible.

Technique36:

Bigshotsdon’tslobberPeoplewhoareVIPsintheirownrightdon’tslobberovercelebrities.Whenyou are chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say how

muchpleasureorinsightit’sgivenyou.Ifyoudosingleoutanyoneofthestar’s accomplishments,make sure it’s a recent one, not amemory that’sgettingyellowinherscrapbook.IftheQueenBeehasadronesittingwithher,findawaytoinvolvehimin

theconversation.Afinalcelebritycodicil:Supposeyouarefortunateenoughtohaveoneatyourparty.Toshinesomestarlightonyourparty,don’tasktheTVhostto‘sayafewwords.’Don’taskthesingertosingasong.Whatlookseffortlesstotherestofusbecausetheyseemsocomfortableperforming, iswork for them.Youwouldn’taskanaccountantguesttolookoveryourbooks.Oradentisttocheckoutyourthirdleftmolar.Letthedignitarydrink.Lettheluminarylaugh.Celebritiesarepeople,too,andtheyliketheirtimeoff.

Thefinaltouch

TowrapupoursectiononsoundingliketheBigBoysandGirls,hereisasimpleand gracious little manoeuvre. It not only signals people you’re a TopCommunicator, it encourages them to keep doing nice things for you. Orcomplimentingyou.Ordoingbusinesswithyou.Orlovingyou.Itisveryshort.It is very sweet. It is very simple.You can use it with everyone in your life.Whenitbecomesinstinctive,you’llfindyourselfusingiteveryday.Very simply, never let the word thank you stand naked and alone. Always

makeitthankyouforsomething.Peopleusethebareexposedthankyousooftenthatpeopledon’tevenhear itanymore.Whenwebuythemorningnewspaper,weflashanakedthankyouatthevendorwhenhegivesusournickel’schange.Isthatthesamethankyouyouwanttogiveavaluedcustomerwhomakesabigpurchaseinyourstore?Oralovedonewhocooksyouadeliciousdinner?Whenevertheoccasionwarrantsmorethananunconsciousacknowledgment,

dressupyourthankyouwiththereason:

Thankyouforcoming.Thankyouforbeingsounderstanding.Thankyouforwaiting.Thankyouforbeingsuchagoodcustomer.Thankyouforbeingsoloving.

Often,whenI leaveanairplane, thecaptainandfirstofficerarestandingbythe cockpit door to bid the passengers farewell. I say, ‘Thanks for getting ushere.’Admittedly,that’scarryingNevertheNakedThankYoutoextremes,butit

hasasurprisingeffect.Theyfallalloverthemselveswith‘Oh,thanksforflyingwithus!’

Technique37:

NeverthenakedthankyouNever let thewords thankyou standalone.FromA toZ,always follow itwithfor:from‘Thankyouforasking’to‘Thankyouforzippingmeup.’

ThankyouforreadingthissectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone!Nowletusmoveontoanotherconversationchallenge,howtotalkknowledgeablywitheveryone–fromgroupsofaccountantstoZenBuddhists–nomatterhowlittleyoumighthaveincommon.

Hasiteverhappenedtoyou?Everyoneat thepartyisspeakinggobbledygook.They’realldiscussingfaultyaudits,codeconstraints,orthelibrarymarket–andyouhavenoideawhatthey’retalkingabout.It’sbecauseeverybodyatthepartyisanaccountant,anarchitect,orapublisher–andyou’renot.Soyoustandtherewithapastysmileonyourfacenotopeningyourmouth.If

youdo,youfearthewrongthingwillcomeout.Paranoiasetsin.Everybodywillsnickeratyou.You’reanoutsider.Soyousufferinsilence.In high school I suffered a massive Silent Outsider Syndrome, especially

aroundmales.Alltheywantedtotalkaboutwascars.Iknewnothingaboutcars.TheonlytimeI’deversetfootina‘bodyshop’wastogetasuntan.Well,onefatefulday,Mumcamehomewithagiftformethattransformedmy

teenageexistencefromshy tosociable. Itwasabookonall thecurrentmodelcarsandtheirdifferencesoverandunder thehood.Onereading,andIbecamefluent in Fords, Chevys, and Buicks. I no longer hyperventilated when boyssaidwords likecarburretor,alternator,camshaft, orexhaustmanifold. I didn’tneedtolearnalot,justenoughtoasktherightquestionstogettheguystalking.WhenI’dlearnedtospeak‘car’withtheboys,itworkedwondersformysociallife.Cuttotoday.Wegrown-upboysandgirlsalsohaveourfavouritetopicswhich

usually involveourworkorourhobbies.Whenwe’rewithpeople inourownfield or who share interests, we open up like small-town gossips. (Evenengineerswhohaveaconstantcaseofcat-got-their-tonguestartgabbingabout

greasy turbines and various projects when they’re together.) To outsiders, ourconversationsoundslikegobbledygook.Butweknowpreciselywhatit’sabout.It’sourownjobbeldygookorhobbydygook.Youfearyou’llfindyourselfinapartyofsquashplayerswhenyou’rethetype

ofpersonwho’dratherbeincourtthanoncourt?Don’tpanichearingwordslikelobbingandhittingrailsrolloffthesquashplayers’tongues.Sowhatiftheonlyexperienceyou’veeverhadwithsquashwasthemashedacornvarietyonyourplatenext to the turkey lastThanksgiving.Allyouneed is the few techniquesthatfollow.Justasanglersthrowoutadragonflytogetthefishtobite,allyouhavetodo

isthrowouttherightquestionstogetpeopletoopenup.DaleCarnegie’sadage,‘show sincere interest and people will talk,’ only goes so far. As they say inpoker, ‘it takes jacks or better to open.’And in conversation, it takes cursoryknowledge or better about their field to get them to really open up.Youmusthaveknowledgeablecuriosity,thekindthatmakesyousoundlikeyou’reworthtalkingto.Inthissection,weexploretechniques thatare‘OpenSesames’ togetpeople

gabbingwithyoulikeaninsider.

Tobeamodern-dayrenaissancemanorwoman

Wheneverfriendsvisitmyhometown,NewYorkCity,Iwarnthem‘Neveraskanyoneridinginthesubwayfordirections.’‘BecauseI’llgetmugged?’theyfearfullyask.‘No, just because you’ll never get where you’re going!’ Most Big Apple

subwayridersknowonly two thingsabout thesubway:where theygetonandwheretheygetoff.Theyknownothingabouttherestofthesystem.Mostpeopleare likeNYC strap-hangerswhen it comes to their hobbies and interests. Theyknowtheirownpastimes,butalltheothersarelikeunvisitedstations.My unmarried (and wishing she weren’t) friend Rita has a bad case of

bowler’s thumb. Every Wednesday night she’s bowling up a storm with herfriends.She is foreverdiscussingherscores,heraverages,andherhighgame.Anothersingleandsearchingfriend,Walter,isintowhite-waterrafting.Hetalksendlesslywithhispaddlingfriendsaboutwhichrivershe’srun,whichoutfittershe’s gone with, and which class rapids he prefers. Thinking my two singlefriendsmighthit itoff, I introducedWalter thepaddler toRita thebowlerandmentionedtheirrespectivepassions.‘Ohyou’reabowler!’saidWalter.‘Yes,’Ritasmileddemurely,awaitingmorequestionsaboutherbigbowling

turn-on.Walterwassilent.Maskingher disappointment,Rita said, ‘Uh,Leil tellsmeyou’re intowater

rafting.’ Walter smiled proudly, awaiting further friendly interrogation onpaddling.‘Uh,thatmustbeexciting.Isn’titdangerous?’wasthebestRitacoulddo.‘No, it’s not dangerous,’ Walter patronizingly responded to her typical

outsider’squestion.Thentheconversationdied.

During the deafening silence, I remember thinking, ifRita had run justoneriver, ifWalter had bowled justone game, their livesmight be different now.Conversation could have flowed, and who knows what else might haveflowered.

Goflyakite!

The Scramble Therapy technique is salvation from such disappointingencounters.Itwilltransformyouintoamodern-dayRenaissancemanorwomanwhocomfortablycandiscussavarietyofinterests.ScrambleTherapy is,quitesimply,scramblingupyour lifeandparticipating

in an activity you’d never think of indulging in. Just one out of every fourweekends,dosomethingtotallyoutofyourpattern.Doyouusuallyplaytennison weekends? This weekend, go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? Thisweekend, take a tennis lesson.Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies thistime. Instead,gowhite-water rafting.Oh,youwereplanningon running somerapidslikeyoudoeverywarmweekend?Forgetit,gobowling.Go to a stamp exhibition. Go to a chess lecture. Go ballooning. Go bird

watching.Gotoapoolhall.Gokayaking.Goflyakite!Why?Becauseitwillgiveyouconversationalfodder fortherestofyourlife.Fromthatweekendon,you’ll sound like an insider with all the hikers, stamp collectors, ballooners,birders,billiardsplayers,kayakers,andkitistsyouevermeet.Justbydoingtheiractivityonce.Ifyoutakeapieceofbluelitmuspaperanddipitinahugevatofacid,thetip

turns pink. If you take another blue litmus paper and dip it into just oneminusculedropofacidonaglassslide,thetipturnsjustaspink.Comparethistoparticipatinginanactivityjustonetime.Asamplinggivesyou80percentoftheconversationalvalue.Youlearntheinsider’squestionstoask.Youstartusingtheright terms.You’llneverbeata lossagainwhen thesubjectofextracurricularinterestscomesup–whichitalwaysdoes.

Doyouspeakscuba?

I’mnotacertifiedscubadiver.However,sixyearsagoinBermudaIsawasign:‘Resort Dives, $25, no Scuba experience necessary.’ In just three hours, Ireceivedthebestcrashcourseintalkingwithscubadiverstheworldoffers.

First I was given a quick lesson in the pool. Then, struggling to stay erectunder the weight of my oxygen tank, regulator, buoyancy compensator, andweightbelt, Iwentclumpingout to thediveboat.Sitting thereon the rockingdinghy, fondlingmymask and fins likeworrybeads, I overheard the certifieddiversaskingeachotherinsiderquestions:

‘Wherewereyoucertified?’‘Wherehaveyoudived?’‘Doyoupreferwrecksorreefs?’‘Everdoneanynightdiving?’‘Areyouintounderwaterphotography?’‘Doyoudiveonacomputer?’‘What’syourlongestbottomtime?’‘Didyouevergetthebends?’

Whytheitalicizedwords?Thosearescubalingo.Inowspeakscuba.Tothisday,whenever Imeetdivers, Ihave the rightquestions toask, and subjects todiscuss.Andtherightonestoavoid.(LikehowmuchIlikeseafood.That’sliketellingacat loverhowmuchyou love tenderbarbecuedkitten.) Icannowaskmy new friends which of the scuba hot spots they’ve been to – Cozumel,Cayman,Cancun.Then,ifIwanttoreallyshowoff,Iaskifthey’vebeentoTrukLagoonintheFarPacific,theGreatBarrierReefinAustralia,ortheRedSea.All the insider terms now roll comfortably off my tongue. Before my

Scramble Therapy experience I’d be calling their beloved wrecks and reefs‘sunken ships’ and ‘coral.’ Understandable words, but not scuba words. Notinsiderwords.Uponmeetingascubadiver, Iprobablywouldhaveasked, ‘Ohscubadiving.Thatmustbe interesting.Uh,aren’tyouafraidofsharks?’Notagoodwaytogetoffontherightfinwithadiver.

Technique38:

ScrambletherapyOnce a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d never dream ofdoing.Participateinasport,gotoanexhibition,hearalectureonsomethingtotally out of your experience.You get 80 per cent of the right lingo andinsiderquestionsfromjustoneexposure.

Thinkaboutit!Supposeatadinnerparty,thetableconversationturnstoscubadiving. If you, too, had done your one-time-only dive, you’d ask your divingdinner companion if he likes night diving, or whether he prefers diving onwrecks or reefs. (He’ll never believe it when you tell him the deepest wateryou’veeversubmergedyourselfinisyourownbathtub.)Thenyouturntothebungeejumperseatedonyourleftandaskhim,‘Doyou

prefer chest-waist jumps or ankle jumps?’ If the conversation then changes totennis,ormartial arts,or chess,or coincollecting,or evenbirdwatching,youcankeepupandkeeptheconversationgoing.Whataguy!Whatagal!

Survivingbafflegab

Even more insidious than hobby-talk is job-speak, or Gobbledygook. I stillharboursocialnightmaresoftheeveningIattendedapartythrownbyacouplewho worked in computer database management. As I walked in the door, Ioverheardonechapsaying toanother, ‘When thedomain relationalcalculus isrestrictedtosafeexpressions,it’sequivalenttotheturplerelational…’That’sallIstayedaroundfor.IknewIwasn’tgoingtounderstandonebitor

byteofconversationtherestoftheevening.Itmademelongforthedayswhenamousemeant the furry little fellowwho loves cheese,windows were the kindyou bought drapes for, and theweb was something spiders trapped flies in. Iknew I was going to need some technical support if I was going to becompatiblewiththiscrowd.I decided then and there to learn some of the opening questions database

management typesaskeachother.Which Idid.NowIcan’twait forasecondchanceatthatcrowdbecauseI’marmedwithquestionslike‘Whatraidlevelareyouusing?’and‘Whatdatawarehousingproductdoyouuse?’Allyouneedareafewinsideropeningquestionstogetyoustartedwithany

group.Youaskquestions,listentotheresponses,andindulgeinelementaryon-target conversation with them for a moment or two about their field. (Thenchange thesubjectASAP!Youdon’twant to fakeyouaremoreknowledgeableabouttheirfieldthanyoureallyare.)

It’sallintheopeningquestion

A tennis player can tell immediately from just appraising your opening servehowgoodaplayeryouare. Is it going tobegreatplayingwithyou,or a realbore? It’s the same in communicating. Just from your verbal opening serve,someoneknowsifit’sgoingtobeinterestingtalkingwithyouabouttheirlifeorinterests–ordull,dull,dull.Forexample, suppose I’m introduced to someoneand the firstwordsoutof

her mouth are, ‘Oh, you’re a writer. When are you going to write the greatAmerican novel?’Yikes, I know I’m talkingwith someonewho is unfamiliarwithmyworld.We’ll chat, but I prefer to change the subject. And soon,myConversationPartner.If, however,my new acquaintance says, ‘Oh you’re awriter. Do youwrite

fictionornonfiction?’Bingo!NowIknowI’mwithapersonwhoknowsaboutmyworld.Why?Because that is thefirstquestionallwritersaskeachother. IenjoytalkingtothisinquisitorbecauseIpresumeshehasmoreinsightsintothewritingworld.Even ifwequicklygetoff thesubjectofwriting,shehascomeacrossasawell-informedindividual.Every job, every sport, every interest has insider opening questions that

everybody in the same field asks – and it’s dumboutsider questions that theyneveraskeachother.Whenanastronautmeetsanotherastronaut,heasks,‘Whatmissionshaveyoubeenon?’(Never‘Howdoyougotothebathroomupthere?’)A dentist asks another dentist, ‘Are you in general practice or do you have aspecialty?’(Never‘Heardanygoodpainjokeslately?’)Thegoodnewsis,beginningGobbledygookisaneasylanguage.There’sno

needtomasterbuzzwords,onlyafewopeningquestionstomakeyousoundlikeaninsider.Then,here’sthefunpart,whenyoutellthemyou’renotconnectedtotheirfield,they’reallthemoreimpressed.‘Whataknowledgeableperson!’theysaytothemselves.

‘Help!Everybodytherewillbeanartist.’

It’snothard toharvestgoodJobbledygook.Let’s sayyou’vebeen invited toagalleryopeningwhereyou’llbemeetingmanyartists.Ifyoudon’tspeakartist,gothroughyourRolodextoseeifyouhaveanartistfriendortwo.Aha,youfoundone.Well,sortof.YourfriendSallyattendedartschool.You

callherupandask,‘Sally,IknowthissoundssillybutI’vebeeninvitedtoaneventwhereI’mboundtobetalkingwithalotofartists.Couldyougivemea

fewgoodquestionstoask?’Sallymightfindyourqueryatadunusual,butyourdiligenceshouldimpressher.Maybeshe’llsay,‘Well,askartistswhatmediumtheyworkin.’‘Medium?’youask.‘Sure,’ she’ll tell you. ‘That’s the insider’s way to ask if they work with

acrylics,oil,charcoal,pen,etc.’‘Oh.’‘Don’t ask artists to describe their work,’ she warns. ‘They feel theirs is a

visualmediumthatcan’tbedescribed.’‘Oh.’‘Anddon’taskthemiftheirworkisinagallery.’‘Oh?’‘Thatcouldbea sorepoint. Insteadask“Is thereanyplace Imight seeyour

work?”They’ll love thatbecause, even if they’renot representedbyagallery,theycaninviteyoutotheirstudiotopossiblybuytheirwork.’

Technique39:

LearnalittleGobbledygookBig Winners speak Gobbledygook as a second language. What isGobbledygook?It’sthelanguageofotherprofessions.Whyspeakit?Itmakesyousoundlikeaninsider.How do you learn it? You’ll find no Gobbledygook cassettes in the

languagesectionofyourbookstore,butthelingoiseasytopickup.Simplyaskafriendwhospeaksthelingoofthecrowdyou’llbewithtoteachyouafewopeningquestions.Thewordsarefewandtherewardsaremanifold.

That’s all you need to get started – two good opening art questions and awarningagainstthemost-askeddumboutsiderquestion.Let’ssayyou’vegivenagreatopeningservewiththerightquestionontheir

job. You’ve slammed a swift ball dead centre into their conversational court.Happily, thinking they’rewith anaceplayer, theyansweryourquestion.Thentheyputalittlespinontheballandsenditlobbingrightbackintoyourcourtandit’stimeforafollow-upquestion.Whoops,whattodonow?

Ifyoudon’twanttocomeoutofthebluffer’sclosetjustyet,youmustmasterthenexttechnique,BaringTheirHotButton.

Elementarydoc-talk

I have a friend, John, a physician,who recentlymarried a charming Japanesewoman,Yamika.Johntoldmethefirsttimetheywereinvitedtoapartytomeetmanyof John’s colleagues,Yamikawaspanic-stricken.Shewanted tomake agoodimpression,yetshewastenseabouttalkingtoAmericandoctors.Johnwastheonlyoneshe’devermet,andduringtheirromancetheydidn’tspendawholelotoftimediscussingmedicine.Johntoldher,‘Don’tworryaboutit,Yami.Theyallaskeachotherthesame

oldquestions.Whenyoumeetthem,justask,“What’syourspecialty”and“Areyouaffiliatedwithahospital?”’‘Then, to get into deeper conversation,’ he continued, ‘throw out questions

like “How’s your relationship with your hospital?” or “How’s the currentmedicalenvironmentaffectingyou?”Thesearehotissueswithdoctorsbecauseeverything’schanginginhealthcare.’JohnsaidYamikadeliveredthelinesverbatim.Shecirculatedthepartyasking

the various doctors’ specialties and inquiring about their affiliations andrelationshipswiththeirhospitals.Asaresult,shewasthehitoftheparty.Manyof John’scolleagues later congratulatedhimonhaving found suchacharmingandinsightfulwoman.

Gettingtherealgrabber

It’snotjustdoctors.Everyprofessionhasconcerns thatareall thebuzzwithintheindustry.Therestoftheworld,however,knowslittleaboutthesefixations.For example, independent booksellers constantly complain that big superstorechainsaretakingovertheindustry.Accountantslieawakenightsworryingabout

liability insurance for faulty audits. Oh, us writers, too. We’re alwaysbellyachingaboutmagazinesnotpayingusforelectronicrightstoourpreciouswords.Supposesomehaplesssoulwereunluckyenoughtofindhimselfinapartyof

writers. Making conversation with these folks (who seldom know what theythinkuntiltheyseewhattheysay)isnoeasytaskforonewhoisaccustomedtocommunicatinginthespokenword.However, ifbeforethepartythenonwriterhadcalledjustonewriteracquaintanceandaskedabouttheburningissues,he’dhavehadhotconversationwiththewordsmithsallevening.IcallthetechniqueBaringTheirHotButton.

Technique40:

BaringtheirhotbuttonBefore jumpingblindly into abevyofbookbindersor adroveofdentists,findoutwhat thehot issuesare in their fields.Every industryhasburningconcerns theoutsideworldknows littleabout.Askyour informant tobaretheindustrybuzz.Then,toheattheconversationup,pushthosebuttons.

Back to the art show you’re about to attend.You can’t let Sally hang up yet.She’sgivenyouthetwobestopeningquestionsforartists.Butdon’tlethergountilyougettherealconversationalgrabber.Askherthehottestissuesgoingonintheartworld.Shemightthinkaminuteandthensay,‘Well,there’salwaysartprices.’‘Artprices?’youask.‘Yes,’sheexplains.‘Forexample,inthe1980stheartworldwasverymarket-

driven. Prices went sky high because some investors and status seekers paidexorbitantamounts.Wefeelthatkindoftookartawayfromthemasses.’Wow,nowyou’rereallyarmedwithsomegoodinsiderarttalk!

Seeyouatthebigone!

While you’re at it, don’t forget to grill your informant for special insidergreetings tousewhenyou’rewith their gang.For example, actresses cringe ifthey hear ‘good luck’ before a show, but they smile at well-wishers who say‘Breakaleg!’

‘Break a leg,’ however, is not appropriate for runners before a marathon.That’sthelastthoughttheywanttohave!Theonlythingtheywanttobreakistheirpersonalrecord.Try‘Haveapersonalbest!’Firefighterswhoworkonshiftseldomseeeachotherexcept,ofcourse,atthe

biggestblazes.Thusthefirefighters’greeting‘Seeyaatthebigone!’Once, driving in a sleepy town you have to work at getting lost in, I

succeeded.Iwashopelesslyturnedaround.Happily,Ispottedthefirehouseandacoupleofboredfirefightersloungingoutfront.‘Excuse me, can you tell me the way back to Route 50?’ I called out the

window.IcouldtellfromtheirattitudetheythoughtIwasanidiot.Nevertheless,theylethargicallypointedmeintherightdirection.AsIdroveoff,Icalledout,‘Thanksguys,seeyaat thebigone!’IntherearviewmirrorIsawhugesmilesbreakout on their faces as they stoodup in unison andwavedgood-bye.Thedisoriented dizzy blond driving off had won their respect with their insidersalute.

Extra!Extra!Learnevenmoreabouttheirlives

Let’ssayyourpapercarrierhasjusthurledthenewspaperfromhisbiketoyourfrontdoor.Youpouracupofcoffeeandgetcomfortabletocatchuponwhat’shappeningintheworld.Yourworld,thatis.Doyouflipfirsttotheinternationalnews?Thefashionsection?Thesportspage?Theentertainmentsection?Maybethecomics?Whichever section you usually flip to first, tomorrowDON’T. Turn to any

other section, preferably one you hardly ever read. Why? Because it willfamiliarize youwith otherworlds so that you can soon discuss anythingwithanybody,nomatterhowlittleyouhaveincommon.How about the real estate section?Yawn.Maybe you don’t find real estate

especially engrossing. However, sooner or later you’re going to find yourselfwithagroupofpeoplewhoarediscussingproperties,deals,andtoday’smarket.Scanning the real estate section just once every few weeks will keep you aucourantwiththeirconversation.Theadvertisingcolumn?Maybeyouthinktheworldwouldbeafarfarbetter

placewithoutMadisonAvenue.Butyourbottomlinewon’tbebetteroffifyoucan’tholdyourowndiscussingmatterswiththemarketingexecutiveyou’vejustcontracted to advertise your company’s widgets. Just a few peeks at theadvertising news section and you’ll soon be chatting about campaigns andcreativepeople,anddoingprintorTV.Insteadofsayingwords,you’llbesayingcopy.Insteadoftheagency,you’llbebandyingaboutrealinsidertermsliketheshop.Usingoutsiderwordsisoneofthebiggestgiveawaysthatyouarenotinthe

know.On the ship, if apassengeraskedanyofmystaff, ‘How longhaveyoubeen working on the boat?’ they’d squelch a groan. Cruise staffers proudlyworkedonaship,andthewordboatrevealedthepassengerasareallandlubber.

The right word can perform conversational miracles. In the receiving line,wheneverpassengersaskedour laconiccaptain, ‘Whendidyou firstbecomeamaster?’or‘Whatwasyourfirstcommand?’hewouldholduptheentirelineofpeoplesnakingaroundtheballroomwaitingtoshakehishand.CaptainCafierowouldenthusiasticallyrecounthisnavalhistorytothesavvyinquirerwhomighthave just learned the wordsmaster or command last week in the newspapershippingnotices.(Ifthepassengerhadsimplysaid,‘Howlonghaveyoubeenacaptain?’or‘Whatwasyourfirstboat?’heorshewouldhavegotthecaptain’susualItaliangentleman’sversionofthebum’srush.)Soon you’ll become addicted to the high that establishing rapport with so

many people gives you. All it takes is reading different sections of thenewspaper.

Pumptheirpulpforevenmorefuel

Then,whenyoucraveabiggerhitofinsiderlingo,startreadingtradejournals.Those are the closed-circulation magazines that go to members of variousindustries.Askyourfriendsindifferentjobstolendyouonesoyou’llhaveevenmorefuelfortheconversationalfire.All industries have one or two. You’ll see big glossy ragswith names like

AutomotiveNews,RestaurantBusiness,PoolandSpaNews,TruckingIndustry,and evenHogs Today for people in the pig business. (Excuse me, they callthemselvesswinepractitioners.Hey,youneverknowwhen, tomakeyournextbigsale,itwillhelptospeakpig.)Anyoneissuewillgiveyouasampleoftheirlingoandinformyouofthehottestissuesinthatfield.When itcomes topeople’shobbiesand interests,browse throughmagazines

onrunning,workingout,bicycling,skiing,swimming,surfing.Largemagazinestorescarrybikerrags,boxerrags,bowlerrags,evenbull-ridingrags.You’llfindthousandsofspecial-interestmagazinespublishedeverymonth.Severalyearsago,Igothookedonbuyingadifferentoneeachweek.Itpaid

offquicklywhenapotentialconsultingclientinvitedmetodinneratherhome.Shehadabeautifulgardenand,thankstoFlowerandGardenMagazine,Icouldthrowoutinsidertermslikeornamentals,annuals,andperennials.Icouldevenkeepupwhenthediscussionturnedtotheadvantagesofgrowingfromseedsorbulbs.BecauseIwassofluentinflower,sheinvitedmetotakealongerwalkwith

her to see her private back gardens. As we strolled, I gradually changed the

subject from chrysanthemums to the consulting work I could do for hercompany.Whowasleadingwhomdownthegardenpath?

Technique41:

ReadtheirragsIsyournextbigclientagolfer,runner,swimmer,surfer,orskier?Areyouattending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists – oranything between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazinesservingevery imaginable interest.Youcandishupmore information thanyou’ll ever need to sound like an insiderwith anyone just by reading therags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of Zoonoozyet?)

Istheworldgettingsmaller,orarewegettingbigger?Today’sRenaissancemanorwomaniscomfortableandconfidentanywhereandthenexttechniquehelpsyoubeaninsiderwhereveryoufindyourselfontheplanet.

Howtobeaglobalinsider

Sayyou’re travelling abroadonbusiness.What’s the first thingonyour to-dolist?Get a passport and a phrase book, right?After all,whowants towanderaroundRome not knowing how to ask for a restroom?Or be thirsty inKualaLumpurnotknowinghowtoaskforaCoke?However,there’ssomethingmostof us forget to pack, often to dire consequences – a book on internationalcustoms.A friendofmine, a fellow speaker namedGeraldine,was excited about her

firstspeechinJapan.TobecomfyonherlongflighttoTokyo,shedonnedherfavourite designer jeans and a casual jacket. Fourteen hours and 6, 737mileslater,fourimpeccablydressedJapanesegentlemengreetedheratNaritaAirport.Smilingandbowinglow,theyhandedhertheirbusinesscards.Withherbaginonehand,Geritooktheircardswiththeother.Shethankedthem,glancedbrieflyatthecards,andpackedthemsafelyintoherbackpocket.Shethenpulledoneofherbusinesscardsoutofherpurseand,sensitivetothefactthattheymighthavedifficultypronouncingGeraldine,wrotehernickname ‘Geri’ aboveherprintedname.Thegentlemenhoveredoverhercard,turningitovertoexamineitafewtimes,beforeoneofthemputitinhisbriefcase.When the five of them arrived at the hotel, they invitedGeri for tea in the

lobby.While sipping tea, thegentlemenpresentedherwith a small giftwhichshe eagerly opened. One of Geri’s most charming qualities is her instinctivewarmthandeffusiveness.Shewasthrilledwiththegiftand,intypicalGeristyle,shesquealed,‘Oh,it’sbeautiful!’asshegaveeachofthegentlemenalittlehug.At this point, the four Japanese gentlemen stood up in unison like four

frowning Siamese twins and, bowing only very slightly, mumbled ‘Sayonara’andpromptlyleft.PoorGeriwasflabbergasted.Whatdidshedowrong?

Everything!First,thejeans.Evenifyou’recomingoffabicycleinAsia,youdo not meet clients casually dressed. The second mistake was Geri’s vulgarhandlingof their business cards. InAsia, thebusiness card is oneof themostimportant protocol tools. It is always presented and accepted reverently withbothhands.(ExceptinMoslemAsiawherethelefthandisconsideredunclean.)Gerithenputtheircardsawaymuchtooquickly.InAsia,peopleusebusiness

cardsasaconversationstarter.Youchatabouteachother’scardsandworkanddo not put theirs away until they gently and respectfully place yours insafekeeping.Shovingitintoherbackjeanspocketwastheultimatedisrespect.Geri didn’t discover her fourth gaffe until she returned home. One of her

colleagues,Bill, a seasonedbusiness traveller, analyzed the fiasco forher.Billtold her the reason the gentlemen had turned Geraldine’s card over and overwhenshegaveittothemattheairportwastofindhername,title,andcompanyprintedinJapaneseontheotherside.TheflipsideofGeri’scardwas,ofcourse,blank.Then,fifthhorrorofhorrors,Gerishouldnothavewrittenonthecard.Cards

inAsia are not exactly sacred, but one should never deface themwithmessyhandwriting.ThesadtaleofGeriandtheJapanesegetsworse.Billbrokethebadnewsto

her:sheshouldnothaveopenedthegiftinfrontofherclients.Why?Becauseinalandwheresavingfaceiscritical,itwouldbeembarrassingtodiscoverthegiftthey gavewas not as nice as the one they received. (Yikes,Geri hadn’t evengiventhemagift!)Gaffenumberseven.Geri’s little squealwhen receiving thegiftwas also a boo-boo. InAsia, the

lowerthetoneofvoice,thehighertherank.Thefinalflubwas,ofcourse,givingthegentlemenathank-youhug.Hugging,highlyreveredincertainpartsoftheworldis,inJapan,absolutelyunacceptablewithanewclient.Needlesstosay,GerihasnotbeeninvitedbacktoJapan.However,shedoes

haveagigcomingupinElSalvador.Thistimeshe’ssmart.She’sstudyinguponthe customs there. Happily, she’s finding she can hug to her heart’s content.Howeversheshouldn’tuseher(oranybodyelse’s)firstname.Oh,andshemustnot introduce herself as an ‘American.’ After all, Salvadorans are Americans,too!Thedifferencesaroundtheworldgoonandon.WheneverItravel,Ihaveto

hitmyselfovertheheadandrealizeI’mnotintheanything-goesol’USA.Ilovetotravelinjeans,I’manincurablehugger,andIcan’twaittoseewhat’sinagift

boxanybodygivesme.However,wheneverIplantoleaveUncleSam’sshores,IcheckonforeigncustomstoseehowmuchofmyselfIcanbe.There are some excellent books on international customs. You’ll find the

namesofafewinthenotes.17–19

Technique42:

Clear‘customs’Beforeputtingonetoeonforeignsoil,getabookondosandtaboosaroundthe world. Before you shake hands, give a gift, make gestures, or evencompliment anyone’s possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum upyourentiregig.

Don’tbelikeanotherhaplesscolleagueofminewhoalmostblewabigbusinessdealwithaBrazilian.Justbeforesigningthecontract,hegavetheOKsignwithhis thumb and forefinger. Little did he know hewas telling his new businesspartnertogohaveintercoursewithhimself.Youneverknowuntilit’stoolate.Now we come to where being an insider shows immediate, tangible, and

calculable rewards. And where being an outsider really hurts – right in yourpocketorpurse.

Gettingwhatyouwantattheinsiderprice

Neverunderestimatehumaningenuitywhenitcomestogettingwhatyouwant.Manypeopleexpandtheadage,All’sfairinloveandwartoAll is fair in love,war,andbuyingwhatIwant.Togetatableataposhrestaurantonabusynight,usingacelebritynameisanoldploy.Myfavoritemaitred’toldmehegetsalotofRobertDeNiros phoning in a reservation.When their party of six or eightarrives,hehears,‘I’msosorry,Robwasn’tfeelingwellthisevening.’Onewoman,frustratedwhenherfakecelebritynamedidn’twork,shoutedat

him,‘Look,whothehelldoIhavetobetogetatable?I’llbeanyoneyouwantme to be,GoldieHawn,SteffiGraf,Fergie – just tellme.’ Somepeople try alast-minute approach.They simplywalk up to themaitre d’ at an overbookedrestaurant,pointtoanynameonthereservationbookandsay,‘That’sus.’You’llwitnessthesamecunningatoverbookedhotels.SeveralmonthsagoI

was checking into a popular hotel for which, fortunately, I had a confirmedreservation.Aloudmouthedmaninfrontofmeinlineshoutedatthedeskclerk,‘Whaddayamean,noroom?I’mstayinginthishoteltonight.Ifyoudon’thavearoom,I’msleepingrighthereonthefloor.’Histempertantrumwasnotworking.‘AndIwarnyou,’hecontinued,‘Isleepinthenude!’Hegotaroom.Thesecraftychildish tacticsarenot recommended.Rather, I suggestamore

principled technique called Bluffing for Bargains. It was born one afternoonsitting with an insurance broker, Mr. Carson. He was trying to sell me ahomeowner’spolicy.Of course Iwanted themost coverage for the least cash.Carsonwasasmoothoperatorandhewaspatientlyexplainingtomeinlayman’stermsthebenefitsofcertainridershewaspushing.Justashestarteddiscussingdisasterslikewarsandhurricanes,hisphonerang.

Withapologies,hepickedupthereceiver.Itwasoneofhiscolleagues.Suddenly

ametamorphosistookplacebeforemyeyes.Thesophisticatedsalesmanbecameapalsy-walsy regulardown-homekindaguychatting it upwithhisoldbuddyaboutumbrellas.Ithoughttheywerediscussingtheweather.Then the conversation turned to floaters. I now assumed theywere talking

aboutaneyeproblem.Ittookawhileformetorealizethatumbrellapoliciesandfloaterswerepartoftheinsurancesetheywerespeaking.A fewminutes later, Carson said, ‘Yeah, OK, so long, buddy,’ and put the

phonedown.Heclearedhisthroatandagaintransmogrifiedbackintotheformalsalesagentpatientlydefiningdamagesanddeductiblestoanaiveclient.Sitting there listening to bafflegab like subrogation andpro rata liability, I

begantoponder:IfCarson’scolleaguewhojustcalledwantedtobuyinsurance,he would have got a much better policy, much cheaper. In practically everyindustry,vendorsgivetwopricesongoodsorservices–onetoinsiders,andonetoyouandme.

Before I letmyselfgetangryabout this, I thought it through. Is itunfair?Notreally.Ifthevendordoesn’thavetospendtimebeingsalesmanorpsychologistansweringtheendlessstreamofnovicequestions,hecanaffordtogivehisbestprice. Carson wouldn’t have had to take twenty minutes explaining to hiscolleague(ashedid tome)why, ifa tornado takesyourhouse, it’sconsidered‘an act of God.’ Therefore, you lose. When knowledgeable associates buyproducts,thevendorishappilyreducedtonothingmorethanapurchasingagent.Forverylittlework,hemakesasmallprofitandissatisfied.Alittlebitofknowledgegoesalongwaywhenyou’rebuyingsomething.If

youhaveinsightintoyourrealestatebroker’sbottomline,he’smoreapttogiveyou the better price. If you are facile with the insider words caterers and carsalesmen use to pad their profits, if you’re savvy to techniques movingcompaniesandmechanicsusetobilktheunsuspecting,ifyouareonthelookoutforlawyers’methodsoffatteningfees–inshort,ifyouknowtheropes,youwillnotget rippedoff.Youdon’tneed toknowa lot, justa fewinsider terms.Theproassumes,sinceyouareconversantinsomeesotericindustryterms,youalsoknowthebestdealandrock-bottomprice.Nooneputitbetterthanmyhousepainter,Iggy.‘Sure,’hetoldme,‘yougotta

knowhowtotalktoapainter.Notme,butalottathemotherguys,they’regonnagetwhatevertheycan.It’sonlyhumannature.Especiallyifyou’reawomanandyoudealwith ’emsmart, like I’mgonna tellyouhow, theirhairwill standon

end.They’llsaytothemselves,“Hey,disisnobabeinthewoods.Ibetterdealstraight.”’‘OK,Iggy,how?’Hesaid,‘Tellthemguys,“Lookthewallsneedverylittleprepping.You’renot

goingtohavetospendmuchtimescrapingandspackling.It’sacleanjob.”’Iggytoldme these few sentences alone can saveyou a great deal ofmoney.Why?Right away the painter knows you know the score and that the most time-consuming part for him is preparing the surface (prepping in painterese).Therefore,it’shisbiggestmarkupitem.‘Then,’ Iggy continued, ‘when you tell ’em there will be no cutting in

(paintingtwocoloursnext toeachother),yourpricegoesdownagain.Besureandtell’emnottoleaveanyholidays(unpaintedorsparselypaintedspots)andyougetamorecarefuljob.’I’monlysorryIdon’thaveanIggyineveryfieldtogivemeacrashcourseinhowtodeal.

Howtodealwhenthere’snoIggyinyourlife

Here’showtogetthebestpriceandthebestdealfromanyone.FindyourIggyInformer. If you have a friend in the business, get the lingo fromhim. If not,insteadofgoingstraighttothevendoryouwanttobuyfrom,visitseveralothersfirst.Talkwiththem.Learnalittlelingofromeach.For instance, supposeyouwant tobuyadiamond. Insteadofgoing right to

yourfavouritejewelleryshopandaskingdumbbelldiamondquestions,gotothecompetition. Make friends with the salesclerk and pick up a few gems ofdiamondese. You’ll learn jewellers say stones, not diamonds. When you’retalkingaboutthetopofthestone,theysaytable;thewidestpartisthegirdle ;thebottomisthecutlet.Ifthestonelooksyellow,don’tsayyellow,saycape. Ifyouseeflaws,don’tsayflaws,sayinclusionsorgletz.Ifyoustilldon’tlikethestone,don’tsay‘I’dliketoseesomethingbetter,’sayfiner.(Don’taskmewhy.That’sjustthewaythediamondcrowdtalks.)Then, when you’ve got your lingo down, go to where you want to buy.

Becauseyounowspeakdiamond,yougetamuchbetterprice.

Technique43:

Bluffingforbargains

The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well incontemporaryAmericaforbig-ticketitems.Yourpriceismuchlowerwhenyouknowhowtodeal.Beforeeverybigpurchase,findseveralvendors–afewtolearnfromand

one tobuyfrom.Armedwitha fewwordsof industryese,you’re ready toheadforthestorewhereyou’regoingtobuy.

Soonyou’llbeaskingfurrierswheretheskinsweredressed,movingcompaniesfortheir ICCperformancerecord,and lawyers thehourlyrateofparalegalsandassociates.Thenthesefolks,likeIggythepainter,willsaytothemselves,‘Hey,disisnobabeinthewoods–Ibetterdealstraight.’

Letusnowdelvedeeperintotheworldofbeinganinsider.Thistimeweexplorehow to give your Conversation Partner the sense that you share not onlyexperiences,buttheheavystuff.Yousharebeliefsandvaluesinlife.

If you squint your eyes and look up carefully at a flight of birds, you’ll seefinches flyingwith finches, swallows soaringwith swallows, andyellowbirdswinging itwithyellowbirds.Theavianapartheidescalates.You’llneverseeabarn swallowwith a bank swallow, or even a yellow bird hanging outwith ayellowfinch.Somebodysaiditshorter:Birdsofafeatherflocktogether.Happily, humans are smarter than birds. In one respect, at least: we have

brains capable of overcomingbias.Really smart humanbeingswork together,play together and break bread together.Does thatmean their comfort level ishigh? Well, that depends on the human being. Our purpose here is not toexamine theabsurdityof apartheid. It is to leaveno stoneunturned inmakingsurepeoplearecompletelycomfortabledoingbusinessorpleasurewithyou.It hasbeenprovenbeyond adoubt, people aremost receptive to those they

feel have the same values in life. In one study, individualswere first given apersonalityandbeliefstest.20Theywerethenpairedoffwithapartnerandtoldtogospendtimetogether.Beforemeeting,halfthecouplesweretoldtheywerevery similar in beliefs to their partner. The other half were told they weredissimilar.Neitherstatementwastrue.However, when quizzed afterward on how much they liked each other,

partners who believed theywere similar liked each other a lot more than thecouples who thought themselves to be dissimilar, demonstrating we have apredisposition toward people we believe are just like us. We are mostcomfortablegivingourbusinessandfriendshiptothosewefeelshareourvaluesand beliefs in life. To that end I offer six techniques to create sensations ofsimilaritywitheveryoneyouwish.

Along with making more profound rapport with customers, friends, andassociates,usingthefollowingtechniquesdevelopsadeeperunderstandingandempathywith people of all races and backgrounds.They also open doors thatmightotherwisebeclosedtoyou.

Watchtheireverymove

Justlikethefinchflapsitswingsfasterthantheglidingeagle,peopleofdifferentbackgroundsmove differently. For example, in theUS people from thewide-open plains tend to stand farther from each other. City people, systematicallysardinedintosubwaysandcrowdedbuses,standcloser.AsianAmericansmakemodestmovements.ItalianAmericansmakemassiveones.Atteatime,thefinishing-schoolsetgenuflectsandgracefullylowersderrieres

ontothesofa.Whentheladiesreachforacup,theyholdthesaucerinonehandand the cup in the other, pinkie ever so slightly extended. Folks who neverfinishedanymannersschoolmakeadiveintothemiddleofthesofaandclutchthecupwithbothhands.Is one right? Is the other wrong?No. However, Top Communicators know

whendoingbusinesswithaderriere-dippingpinkieextenderortwo-fistedmuggrabber, they darn well should do the same. People feel comfortable aroundpeoplewhomovejustliketheydo.Ihavea friendwho travels thecountrygivinganoutrageous seminarcalled

‘How to Marry the Rich.’ Genie was once in a Las Vegas casino when atelevisionreporteraskedifshecouldtelltherealrichfromthegreatpretenders.‘Ofcourse,’Genieanswered.‘Allright,’challengedthereporter.‘Whoisthewealthiestmaninthisroom?’

Convenedatthenexttablewerethreemenintailoredsuits(HaywardofMayfair,London, no doubt), handmade shirts (Charvet of Place Vendôme in Paris, nodoubt), and sipping scotch (single-malt Laphroaig from the Scottish island ofIslay, no doubt). The reporter, naturally, assumedGeniewould choose one oftheselikelycandidates.Instead,with the scrutinyof ahuntingdog,Genie’s eyes scanned the room.

Likeatrainedbassethound,sheinstinctivelypointedalongredfingernailata

fellowintornjeansatacornertable.Shemurmured,‘He’sveryrich.’Flabbergasted,thereporteraskedGenie,‘Howcanyoutell?’‘Hemoves like oldmoney,’ she said. ‘You see,’Geniewent on to explain,

‘there’smoving likeoldmoney. There’smoving likenewmoney.And there’smoving likeno money.’ Genie could tell the unlikely chap in the corner wasobviouslysittingonbigassets,andallbecauseofthewayhemoved.

Technique44:

BeacopycatWatch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Bigmovements?Fast?Slow?Jerky?Fluid?Old?Young?Classy?Trashy?Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Is he a

jazzymover? Is sheaballeticmover?Watchhisorherbody, then imitatethestyleofmovement.ThatmakesyourConversationPartnersubliminallyrealcomfywithyou.

They’rebuyingyou,too

If you’re in sales, copy not only your customer’s class but the class of yourproductaswell.IliveinasectionofNewYorkCitycalledSoho,whichisafewblocks above the famous-for-being-trashy Canal Street. Often, clutching mypurse tightly and dodging the crowds on Canal Street, I’ll pass a pickpocket-turned-salesman-for-the-day. He furtively looks around and flashes a greasyhandkerchief at me with a piece of jewellery on it. ‘Psst, wanna buy a goldchain?’Hisnervousthief’sdemeanoralonecouldgethimarrested.Now, about sixty blocks uptown, you’ll find the fashionable and very

expensive Tiffany’s jewellery store. Occasionally, clutching my fantasies ofbeing able to afford something therein, I stroll through the huge gilt doors.Imagineoneof the impeccablydressedsalesprofessionalsbehind thebevelledglass counters furtively looking around and saying tome, ‘Psst,wanna buy adiamond?’Nosale!Match your personality to your product. Selling handmade suits? A little

decorumplease.Sellingjeans?Alittlecool,please.Sellingsweatsuits?Alittlesporty,please.Andsoonforwhateveryou’reselling.Remember,youareyour

customers’ buying experience. Therefore you are part of the product they’rebuying.

‘We’relikepeasinapod’

Haveyoueverbeengabbingwithanewacquaintanceand,afterafewmoments,you’ve said to yourself, ‘This person and I think alike! We’re on the samewavelength.’It’safabulousfeeling,almostlikefallinginlove.Lovers call it chemistry. New friends talk of instant rapport, and business

people sayameeting ofminds. Yet it’s the samemagic, that sudden sense ofwarmth and closeness, that strange sensation of ‘Wow,wewere old friends atonce!’Whenwewerechildren,makingfriendswaseasier.Mostofthekidswemet

grewupinthesametownandsotheywereonourwavelength.Thentheyearswent by.We grew older.Wemoved away.Our backgrounds, our experiences,our goals, our lifestyles became diverse. Thus, we fell off each other’swavelengths.Wouldn’titbegreattohaveamagicsurfboardtohelpyouhoprightbackon

everybody’swavelengthwheneveryouwanted?Hereitis,alinguisticdevicethatgets you riding on high rapport with everyone you meet. If you stand on amountain cliff and shout ‘hello-oh’ across the valley, your identical ‘hello-oh’thundersbackatyou. Icall the techniqueEchoing because, like themountain,youechoyourConversationPartner’sprecisewords.

Itallstartedacrosstheocean

InmanyEuropeancountries,you’llhearfive,ten,ormorelanguageswithinthelanguage.Forexample,inItaly,theSiciliansfromthesouthspeakadialectthatseems like gobbledygook to northern Italians. In an Italian restaurant, I onceoverheard a diner discover his waiter was also from Udine, a town innortheasternItalywheretheyspeaktheFriulanodialect.Thedinerstoodupand

hugged thewaiter like hewas a long-lost brother. They started babbling in atonguethatlefttheotherItalianwaitersshrugging.InAmericawehavedialects,too.Wejustaren’tconsciousofthem.Infactwe

have thousands of different words, depending on our region, our job, ourinterests,andourupbringing.Once,whentravellingacrossthecountry,Itriedtoorder a soda like a Coke or 7-Up in a highway restaurant. It took someexplaining before the waitress understood I wanted what she called a pop.PerhapsbecausetheEnglish-speakingworldissolarge,AmericanshaveavasterchoiceofwordsforthesameoldstuffthananylanguageI’veencountered.Familymembersfindthemselvesspeakingalike.Friendsusethesamewords,

andassociatesinacompanyormembersinaclubtalkalike.Everyoneyoumeetwill have his or her own language that subliminally distinguishes them fromoutsiders.ThewordsareallEnglish,buttheyvaryfromareatoarea,industrytoindustry,andevenfamilytofamily.

Thelinguisticdevicethatsays‘we’reonthesamewavelength’

When youwant to give someone the subliminal feeling you’re just alike, usetheirwords,notyours.Supposeyouaresellingacartoayoungmotherwhotellsyou she is concerned about safety because she has a young toddler. Whenexplainingthesafetyfeaturesofthecar,useherword.Don’tusewhateverwordyou call your kids.Don’t even say ‘child-protection lock,’whichwas in yoursalesmanual.Tellyourprospect,‘No toddlercanopenthewindowbecauseofthedriver’scontroldevice.’Evencallita‘toddler-protectionlock.’WhenMomhears toddler coming fromyour lips, she feels you are ‘family’ because that’showallherrelativesrefertoherlittletyke.Supposeyourprospecthadsaidkidor infant.Fine,echoanywordsheused. (Well,almostanyword. If she’dsaidmybrat,youmightwanttopassonEchoingthistime.)

Echoingatparties

Let’ssayyouareataparty.It’sahugebashwithmanydifferenttypesofpeople.You are first chatting with a lawyer who tells you her profession is oftenmaligned.Whenitcomesyourturntospeak,sayprofessiontoo.Ifyousayjob,itputsasubconsciousbarrierbetweenyou.

Nextyoumeet a constructionworkerwho starts talkingabouthis job.Nowyou’re in trouble if you say, ‘Well, inmyprofession…’He’d think youwerebeinghoity-toity.Afterthelawyerandtheconstructionworker,youtalktoseveralfreelancers–

first amodel, then aprofessional speaker, finally apopmusician.All threeofthese folkswillusedifferentwords for theirwork.Themodelbragsaboutherbookings. The professional speakermight say bookings, but he ismore apt toboastofhisspeakingengagements.Apopmusicianmightsay,‘Yeah,man,Igeta lotofgigs. ’ It’s tough tomemorizewhat they all call theirwork. Just keepyourearsopenandechotheirwordaftertheysayit.Echoinggoesbeyondjobnames.Forexampleifyouarechattingwithaboat

ownerandyoucallhisboatanit,helabelsyouareallandlubber.(Hereverentlyreferstohisbelovedboat,ofcourse,asashe.)Ifyoulistencarefully,youhearlanguage subtleties you never dreamed existed. Would you believe using thewrong synonym for a seemingly uncomplicated word like have labels you aknow-nothing in somebody else’s world? For example, cat lovers purr abouthavingcats.Buthorsepeoplewouldsayowninghorses.Andfishfolkdon’townfish.They talkaboutkeeping fish.Hey,nobigdeal.But ifyouuse thewrongword,yourConversationPartnerwillassume,correctly,thatyouareastrangerinhisorherhobbyland.

Theperilofnotechoing

SometimesyouloseoutbynotEchoing.MyfriendPhilandIweretalkingwithseveralguestsataparty.Onewomanproudlytoldthegroupaboutthewonderfulnewskichaletshehadjustpurchased.Shewaslookingforwardtoinvitingherfriendsuptoherlittlechaletinthemountains.‘That’swonderful,’saidPhil,secretlyhopingforaninvitation.‘Whereexactly

isyourcabin?’KERPLUNK!TherewentPhil’schancesforaninvitationtothelady’schalet.Icouldn’tresist.Aftertheconversation,Iwhisperedtomyfriend,‘Phil,why

didyouinsultthatwomanbycallingherchaletacabin?’Philscratchedhisheadandsaid,‘Whatdoyoumeaninsulther?Cabin isabeautifulword.MyfamilyhasacabininCapeCodandIgrewuplovingtheword,theassociations,thejoyof a cabin.’ (In otherwords, the connotations of cabin.)Well, fine, Phil. Thewordcabinmaybebeautifultoyou,butobviouslytheskierpreferredthewordchalet.

Professionalechoing

In today’s sales environment, customers expect salespeople to be problemsolvers,notjustvendors.Theyfeelyoudon’tgrasptheirindustry’sproblemsifyoudon’tspeaktheirlanguage.I have a friend, Penny, who sells office furniture. Among her clients are

peopleinpublishing,advertising,broadcasting,andafewlawyers.Penny’ssalesmanualsaysofficefurniture.However,shetoldme,ifsheusedthewordofficewith all of her clients, they’d assume she knewnothing about their respectiveindustries.She toldmeher client, thepurchasingofficer in advertising, talks abouthis

advertising agency. Penny’s publishing client says publishing house. Thelawyers talk about furniture for their firm, and her radio clients use thewordstationinsteadofoffice.‘Hey,’Pennysays,‘it’stheirsaltmine.Theycancallitwhateverthehecktheyplease.And,’sheadded,‘ifIwanttomakethesale,I’dbettercallitthesamething.’

Technique45:

EchoingEchoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop.Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions,adjectives – and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of yourmouthcreatessubliminalrapport.Itmakesthemfeelyousharetheirvalues,theirattitudes,theirinterests,theirexperiences.

Echoingispoliticallycorrectinsurance

Here’saquiz:You’retalkingwithapharmacistandyouaskher,‘Howlonghaveyouworkedatthedrugstore?’What’swrongwiththatquestion?Give up? It’s the word drugstore. Pharmacists abhor the word because it

conjuresupmanyindustryproblems.They’reusedtohearingitfromoutsiders,but it’s a tip-off that they are unaware of, or insensitive to, their professionalproblems.Theypreferpharmacy.Recently,atareception,Iintroducedoneofmyfriends,Susan,asaday-care

worker. Afterward Susan begged, ‘Leil, pul-eeze do not call me a day-care

worker.We’re child-care workers.’ Whoops! Time and recent history quicklymakecertaintermsarchaic.A group’s intense preference for one word is not arbitrary. Certain jobs,

minorities and special-interest groups often have a history the public is notsensitive to.When thathistoryhas toomuchpainattached to it,people inventanotherwordthatdoesn’thavebitterconnotations.Ihaveadearfriend,Leslie,whoisinawheelchair.Shesayswheneveranyone

saysthewordhandicapped,shecringes.Lesliesaysitmakesherfeellessthanwhole. ‘Wepreferyou saypersonwithadisability. ’ She thengave amovingexplanation.‘Wepeoplewithdisabilitiesarethesameaseveryotherable-bodiedperson.Wesay‘AB,’sheadded.‘ABsgothroughlifewithallthesamebaggagewedo.Wejustcarryoneextrapiece,adisability.’

It’s simple. It’s effective.To show respect andmake people feel close to you,Echotheirwords.Itmakesyouamoresensitivecommunicator–andkeepsyououtoftroubleeverytime.

Old-boyanalogiesareunsportsmanlikeconductwiththegirls

I recently had to make a presentation to fifteen men in a corporate meeting.‘OK,’ I said tomyself as I stood up, ‘fifteenMartians and oneVenusian.’Noproblem! I’d readMen Are fromMars, Women Are from Venus. I’d exploredneurologicaldifferencesinmen’sandwomen’sbrains.Iknewallaboutgender-specificbodylanguagesignals.Hey, I teachcommunicationsdifferences. Iwaswellpreparedtotalktothesemen,getmypointacross,andfendanyquestions.Everything started out fine. I’d conceived my presentation clearly and

concisely,developedeach theme,andpresented it flawlessly.Then, Isatdownandconfidentlyinvitedquestionsandopendiscussion.That’swhenitfellapart.AllIrememberisahorrifyingbarrageofquestions

couchedinfootballanalogies.‘Doyouthinkwedroppedtheballonthatone?’onemanasked.‘Yeah,’anotherresponded.‘Butcanwemakeafumblerecovery?’Those two I understood. However, when it got to pass coverage and

intentional grounding, I started to lose it. When one guy raved about aHailMarypassbeingneeded tosave thedeal, I suffered theultimatehumiliation. Ihadtoask,‘Uh,whatdoesthatmean?’Theguyslookedateachotherknowingly,andthensmiledcondescendinglyastheyexplainedittome.ThatnightIhadsadisticfantasiesoffifteenwomenrunningthecompanyand

onemanleftscratchinghisheadaswebandiedaboutchildbirthanalogies.‘Wewon’tgethisnewproposal ’till the third trimester,’ reports the account

exec.‘Yeah, but that’s six months away. Let’s get it byC-section,’ responds the

comptroller.‘Why bother?’ asks themarketingVP. ‘All his ideas are developed in vitro

anyway.’

‘I’mabouttogointopostpartumdepression,’murmurstheCEO.Thelonemaleemployee is left as confused and humiliated as I was in the face of footballanalogies.Ahem, theaimof thisbook isnot to feed fiendish fantasies,but to improve

communications.Tothatend,Iofferthefollowingtechniquebasedonanalogies,notjustfootballanalogies.

On-targetanalogieshitbull’s-eye

Analogiescanbeaneffectivecommunicationstool–ifyouevokeimagesfromthe life of the person you are talking to.Men don’t use football analogies toobfuscatemattersortoconfusewomen,buttoclarifysituationsforeachother.Analogiesfromthesportbringsituationstolifeformenbecausegenerallytheywatchmorefootballthanwomen.Movingontoothersportsanalogies:everyoneknowswhatthespeakermeans

whenheorshehears,‘We’llneverstrikeoutwiththissolution.’Nevertheless,abaseballfanwouldfinditamorecompellingimageashewouldanalogieslikecaughtonthefly,hittingthedirt,orthrowingaspitball.You’veheardpeoplesay,‘Thissolutionisrightontarget.’Weallunderstand

it. But the phrasing would be more dramatic for archery enthusiasts. If yourlistener were a bowler, speaking of gutter balls or big splits would bringwhateveryouwerediscussing to life. Ifyourbusinessbuddieswerebasketballfans,analogieslikehookshotorairballwouldlandrightintheirbasket.Ifyourclientwrestles,sayingfeintsandscissorholdswouldbethewaytograbhim.These analogies might sound far-fetched to you. But they are potent

communicationstoolswhentheyevokeyourConversationPartner’sworld.Whynotusethemostpowerfultermspossibletogetyourpointacrossandmakethesale?IcallthetechniquePotentImaging.

Technique46:

PotentimagingDoesyourcustomerhaveagarden?Talkaboutsowingtheseedsforsuccess.Doesyourbossownaboat?Tellhimorheraboutaconceptthatwillholdwaterorstayafloat.Maybeheisaprivatepilot?Talkaboutaconceptreallytakingoff.Sheplaystennis?Tellheritreallyhitsthesweetspot.Evokeyour listener’s interestsor lifestyleandweave imagesaroundit.To

giveyourpointsmorepowerandpunch,useanalogiesfromyourlistener’sworld,notyourown.PotentImagingalsotellsyourlistenersyouthinklikethemandhintsyousharetheirinterests.

PardonmewhileIreturnmomentarilytomysadisticfantasiesofthehopelesslyconfusedlonemaleemployee.Theall-femalemanagementteamisnowarguingthecorporatestrategyusing,notfootballofcourse,butballetanalogies.‘Isaylet’sdothecorporatetakeoverallegro,’shesuggests.‘Nah,yougottagoadagiointhesematters,’hercolleagueresponds.‘Butwhatiftheydoatourjetéwhilewe’repoisedinfifth?’‘C’mondidyoueverseeagoodpasseulfromtheirpresident?’Thetopwomansettlesit.‘Isaylet’sjustgivehimalittlerévérence,andthena

grandbattementintheballs.’

Beyond‘yep,uhhuh,yeah’

Whilelisteningtosomeonetalk,weoftenvocalize‘uhhuh’orpurrthroatylittle‘umm’sounds to reassure thespeakerwehaveheard theirwords. In fact,withsomeit’ssuchahabit, thenoisesescapetheirthroatsunconsciously.MyfriendPhilisaconsummate,constant,andincontinent‘ummer’wheneverI’mtalking.Occasionally, if I’m feeling contentious after he’s given one of his agreeable‘umms’ in response to something I’ve said, I challenge him with, ‘OK, Phil,whatdidIsay?’‘Uh,well, gosh…’Phil has no idea. It’s not his fault.He’smale.Men are

especiallyguiltyof thenot-really-listeningummhabit.Once,whenIwasonamonologueaboutnothinginparticular,Philwasonarealummroll.Totesthislistening skills, I slipped in, ‘Yes, this afternoon I think I’ll go out and gettattooedallovermybody.’Philnoddedhishabitual‘uhhuh.’Well,ummingisbetterthanablankstare.However,it’snotthechoiceofTop

Communicators.Tryreplacingyourummswithfull-blownempathizers.

Whatareempathizers?

Empathizersaresimple,short,supportivestatements.Unlike‘uhhuh,’ theyarecomplete sentences suchas ‘I canappreciateyoudecided todo that,’or ‘Thatreallyisexciting.’Empathizerscanbeone-sentencepositivecritiqueslike‘Yes,thatwasthehonorablethingtodo’or‘It’scharmingyoufeltthatway.’Whenyou respondwith complete sentences insteadof the usual grunts, not

onlydoyoucomeacross asmorearticulate,your listener feels thatyoureallyunderstand.

Technique47:

EmployempathizersDon’tbeanunconsciousummer.Vocalizecompletesentencestoshowyourunderstanding.Dustyourdialoguewithphraseslike‘Iseewhatyoumean.’Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like ‘That’s a lovely thing to say.’Yourempathyimpressesyourlistenersandencouragesthemtocontinue.Ofcourse,youpayaprice.Inordertousetherightempathizers,youdo

needtolisten.Nowlet’sfine-tunethistechniqueandexploreadvancedempathizing.

Asoundidea

Abouttenyearsago,Ihadaroom-matenamedBrenda.Brendawasatapdanceteacherwhodidn’t just tapdancetomakealiving.Shelivedtotap.Postersoffamous American tap dancers Bill ‘Bojangles’ Robinson and Charles ‘Honi’Colesplasteredherwalls.Shedidn’twalkaroundthehouse.Shetappedherwayfrom room to room. It was noisy but at least, when a phone call came forBrenda,Ineverhadtroublefindingher.Once I asked Brenda when she got interested in tap. She said, ‘From the

momentIfirstopenedmyears.’Herears?Ithought,that’sstrange.Mostpeoplesay ‘from themoment I openedmy eyes.’At thatmoment, I realizedBrenda‘saw’theworldmorethroughherearsthanhereyes.Weallperceivetheworldthroughfivesenses.Weseetheworld.Wehearthe

world. We feel the world. We smell the world. And we taste the world.Therefore,we talk in termsof those five senses.Proponentsofneurolinguisticprogramming(NLP)tellus,foreachperson,onesenseisstrongerthanothers.ForBrenda,itwasherhearing.Brenda toldme shegrewup in a dark apartment below street level inNew

YorkCity.Sheremembers,asaninfant,hearingthepitter-patteroffeetwalkingjustabovehercribonthepavement.Asatoddler,hertinyearswerebombardedwithhonkinghorns,shriekingsirensandtyrechainsslappingtheicystreets.Sheespecially remembers the clumpety-clomp of police horses’ hoofs on thepavementoutsideherwindow.Herfirstperceptionsoftheoutsideworldcametoher through her ears. To this day, sound dominates her life. Brenda, the tapdancer,isanauditoryperson.

Sinceneurolinguistssuggest invokingour listener’sstrongestsense, I triedafewauditoryreferencesonBrenda.Ratherthansaying,‘Thatlooksgoodtome,’I’dsay‘Thatsoundsgood.’Insteadofsaying,‘Iseewhatyoumean,’I’dsay,‘Ihearyou.’WhenIusedtheseauditoryreferences,Ifeltshepaidmoreattention.So I started listeningverycarefully toallmy friends todiscoverwhichwas

theirprimaryperception.SometimesI’dhearvisualreferenceslike

Iseewhatyoumean.Thatlooksgoodtome.Ican’tpicturemyselfdoingthat.Itakeadimviewofthatidea.Frommyperspective…

Wow,IthoughtIwasreallyontosomething!

Awrinkledevelops

Butthen,whoops,atothertimes,I’dhearthatsamefriendsay

Yeah,Ihearyou.Sure,thatsoundsgoodtome.Ikeptsayingtomyselfitwouldwork.Thathasanegativeringtoit.Hereallytunedoutonthewholeidea.Somethingtellsme…

Thiswasn’tgoingtobequiteaseasyasI’dexpected.However,Iwasn’treadytogiveup.OnceBrendaandIwentskiingwithseveralfriends.Thatnightwewereata

party.One of our friendswas telling a group of people, ‘The ski slopeswerebeautiful.Everythingwassocrystalclearandwhite.’‘Avisualperson?’Iaskedmyself.Anotherskieradded,‘Thefeelofthefreshsnowonourfaceswasterrific.’‘Aha,akinestheticperson,’Imusedsilently.Sureenough,justthen,Brendasaid,‘Todaywassosilent.Theonlysoundyou

couldhearwasthewindinyourearsasyoucameswooshingdowntheslopes.’Thatlittleriffconvincedmetherewassomethingtoit.

However,Istillfounditdifficulttodiscernone’sprimarysense.

Asimplesolution

Here’swhatI’vefounddoeswork,anditdoesn’ttaketoomuchdetectiveworkon your part. I call the techniqueAnatomically Correct Empathizers, and it’seasytomaster.Unlessitisobviousthepersonyouarespeakingwithisprimarilyvisual, auditory, or kinesthetic, simply respond in his or her mode of themoment. Match your empathizers to the current sense someone is talkingthrough.Forexample,supposeabusinesscolleaguedescribingafinancialplansays, ‘With thisplan,wecanseeourwayclear insixmonths.’Since this timeshe’susingprimarilyvisualreferences,say‘Iseewhatyoumean’or‘Youreallyhaveaclearpictureofthatsituation.’If, instead,yourcolleaguehad said, ‘Thisplanhasagood ring to it,’you’d

substituteauditoryempathizerslike‘Itdoessoundgreat’or‘Ihearyou.’Athirdpossibility.Supposeshehadsaid,‘Ihaveagutfeelingthisplanwill

work.’Nowyou give her a kinesthetic empathizer like ‘I can understand howyoufeel,’or‘Youhaveagoodgraspofthatproblem.’

Technique48:

AnatomicallycorrectempathizersWhatpartoftheiranatomyareyourassociatestalkingthough?Theireyes?Theirears?Theirgut?Forvisualpeople,usevisualempathizerstomakethemthinkyouseethe

worldthewaytheydo.Forauditoryfolks,useauditoryempathizerstomakethem think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic types, usekinestheticempathizerstomakethemthinkyoufeelthesamewaytheydo.

Whatabouttheothertwosenses,tasteandsmell?Well,I’veneverrunupagainstany gustatory or olfactory types.But you could always compliment a chef bysaying,‘That’sadeliciousidea.’Andifyouaretalkingtoyourdog(olfactory,ofcourse),tellhim‘Thewholeideastinks.’

Thenexttechniquehelpscreateaffinitywithasingleword.

‘Wetalkedlikeoldfriendsatonce’

Byjusteavesdroppingforafewmomentsonanytwopeoplechatting,youcouldtellalotabouttheirrelationship.Youcouldtelliftheywerenewacquaintancesoroldfriends.Youcould tellwhetheramanandawomanwerestrangersoracouple.Youwouldn’tevenneed tohear friendscall eachotherpal,buddy, ormate.

Youwouldn’t need to hear aman and a womanwhisper dear, sweetheart, orturtledove.Itwouldn’tmatterwhat theywerediscussing,oreventheir toneofvoice. You could even be blindfolded and tell a lot about their relationshipbecausethetechniqueI’mabouttosharehasnothingtodowithbodylanguage.How? A fascinating progression of conversation unfolds as people become

closer.Here’showitdevelops:

LEVELONE:CLICHÉSTwo strangers talking together primarily toss clichés back and forth. Forinstance, when chatting about the universally agreed-upon world’s dullestsubject, the weather, one stranger might say to the other, ‘Beautiful sunnyweatherwe’vebeenhaving.’Or,‘Boy,somerain,huh?’That’slevelone,clichés.

LEVELTWO:FACTSPeoplewhoknoweachotherbutarejustacquaintancesoftendiscussfacts.‘Youknow, Joe,we’vehad twice asmany sunnydays thisyear todate as last.’Or,‘Yeah,well,wefinallydecidedtoputinaswimmingpooltobeattheheat.’

LEVELTHREE:FEELINGSANDPERSONALQUESTIONSWhen people become friends, they often express their feelings to each other,evenonsubjectsasdullastheweather.‘George,I justlovethesesunnydays.’

Theyalsoaskeachotherpersonalquestions:‘Howaboutyou,Betty?Areyouasunperson?’

LEVELFOUR:WESTATEMENTSNowweprogresstothehighestlevelofintimacy.Thislevelisricherthanfactsand creates more rapport than feelings. It’s we and us statements. Friendsdiscussingtheweathermightsay,‘Ifwekeephavingthisgoodweather,it’llbeagreatsummer.’Loversmightsay,‘Ihopethisgoodweatherkeepsupforus sowecangoswimmingonourtrip.’A technique to achieve the ultimate verbal intimacy grows out of this

phenomenon. Simply use thewordwe prematurely.You can use it tomake aclient, a prospect, a stranger feel you are already friends. Use it to make apotential romanticpartner feel the twoofyouarealreadyan item. Icall it thePrematureWe. In casual conversation, simply cut through levels one and two.Jumpstraighttothreeandfour.Askyourprospect’sfeelingsonsomethingthewayyouwouldqueryafriend.

(‘George,howdoyoufeelaboutthenewgovernor?’)Thenusethepronounwewhendiscussinganythingthatmightaffectthetwoofyou.(‘Doyouthinkwe’regoing to prosper during his administration?’) Make it a point to concoct wesentences, the kind people instinctively reserve for friends, lovers and otherintimates.(‘Ithinkwe’llsurvivewhilethegovernor’sinoffice.’)Thewordwefosterstogetherness.Itmakesthelistenerfeelconnected.Itgives

a subliminal feeling of ‘you andme against the cold, coldworld.’When youprematurely say we or us, even to strangers, it subconsciously brings themcloser.Itsubliminallyhintsyouarealreadyfriends.Ataparty,youmightsaytosomeone standing behind you at the buffet line, ‘Hey, this looks great. Theyreallylaidoutanicespreadforus.’Or,‘Uh-oh,we’regoingtogetfatifweletourselvesenjoyallofthis.’

Technique49:

TheprematureweCreate the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met justmoments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skippingconversationallevelsoneandtwo,andcuttingrighttolevelsthreeandfour.Elicitintimatefeelingsbyusingthemagicwordswe,us,andour.

Well,wehavejustexploredhowtocopyourConversationPartners’movementswithBe aCopycat, Echo theirwords, evokePotent Images from theirworld,create a bond through their primary sense with Anatomically CorrectEmpathizers,andestablishsubliminalfriendshipwithwordslikewe.Whatelsedofriends,lovers,andcloseassociateshaveincommon?Ahistory.

Thefinaltechniqueinthissectionisadevicetogiveafairlynewacquaintancethewarmandfuzzyfeelingthetwoofyouhavebeentogetherforalong,longtime.

Ourownprivatejoke

Lovers whisper phrases in each others’ ears that mean nothing to anyone butthemselves.Friendscrackupoverafewwordsthatsoundlikegobbledygooktoanyone overhearing them. Close business associates chuckle about sharedexperiences.OnecompanyI’veworkedwithhasseenre-engineering,empowerment,TQM,

and team building come and go in one decade. At company parties, theemployees never fail to crack up over the time when the whole company –managers tomail-roomclerks–scrambledupa twenty-nine-footpole togetherallinthenameofteambuilding.TheCEOslippeddownthepoleandbrokehisbig toe.At the nextweeklymeeting, theCEO shookhis crutch and causticallyannounced, ‘Nomore teamexercises!’Thus, thedeathof teambuilding–andthebirthofaprivatejoke.Out of shared experiences like this, a company culture grows. These

employeeshaveahistory,anda language togowith it.To thisday,whenevertheywanttoputanabruptendtoanyidea,theysay,‘Let’sshakeacrutchatit’or‘Let’s slide that one down the flagpole.’ They all smile. Nobody knowswhattheymeanexceptfellowemployees.TheplaywrightNeilSimon,sometimeswithasingleword,canmakeanentire

Broadway audience understand two performers onstage are either married orlongtimefriends.Theactorsimplysayssomethingtotheactressthatmakesnosensetotheaudience.Thenbothofthemlaughuproariously.Everybodygetsthemessage:thesetwopeopleareanitem.EverytimemyfriendDarylandImeet,wedon’tsay‘Hello.’Wesay‘Quack.’

Why?Wemetatapartyfiveyearsagoand,inourfirstconversation,Daryltoldmehegrewuponaduckfarm.WhenItoldhimI’dneverseenaduckfarm,he

performedthebesthumanimitationofaduckI’deverseen.Heflippedhisheadside to side looking at me first out of one eye, then the other, all the whileflappinghisarmsandquacking.Igotsuchalaughoutofhisperformancethatitinspired him to do a full flat-footed duck waddle for me. It was contagious.Togetherwewaddledaroundtheroomflappingandquacking.Wemadeabsolutefoolsofourselvesthatevening.Thenextday,myphonerang.Ipickedupthereceivertohear,not‘Hello,this

isDaryl,’butsimply,‘Quack.’I’msurethat’swhatstartedourfriendship.Tothisday,everytimeIhearhis‘Quack’onthephone,itfloodsmewithhappy,ifatadembarrassing, memories. It recalls our history and renews our friendship nomatterhowlongit’sbeensincewelastquackedateachother.

Technique50:

InstanthistoryWhen youmeet a stranger you’d like tomake less a stranger, search forsome specialmomentyou sharedduringyour first encounter.Then find afewwordsthatreprievethelaugh,thewarmsmile,thegoodfeelingsthetwoofyoufelt.Now,justlikeoldfriends,youhaveahistorytogether,anInstantHistory.

Withanyoneyou’dliketomakepartofyourpersonalorprofessionalfuture,

lookforspecialmomentstogether.Thenmakethemarefrain.

Nowwhat’sleft?

Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics shared by BigWinnersinallwalksoflife.PartOnehelpedusmakeadynamic,confident,andcharismaticfirstimpressionwithbodylanguage.InTwo,weputsmoothsmall-talklyricstoourbodyballet.TheninThree,weseizedhintsfromtheBigBoysandGirlssowe’recontendersforlife’sBigLeague.PartFourrescuedusfrombeingtongue-tiedwithfolkswithwhomwehaveverylittleincommon.AndinFive,welearnedtechniquestocreateinstantchemistry,instantintimacy,instantrapport.What’s left? You guessed it – making people feel really good about

themselves. But compliments are a dangerous weapon in today’s world. One

mishandlingandyoucanbutchertherelationship.Letusnowexplorethepowerofpraise,thefollyofflattery,andhowyoucanusethesepotenttoolseffectively.

Kidsareexpertsatgettingwhattheywant.Perchedonpapa’sknee,‘OhDaddy,you’re sowonderful. I know you’ll buyme that new doll.’ The nextmorningwithmamainthesupermarket,‘OhMummy,Iloveyou.You’rethemostbestestmummyintheworld.Iknowyou’llbuymethatchocolatemunchie.’Fromthehungryinfant’sinstinctivecooingasmummyapproachesthecribto

the car salesman’s calculated praise as the prospectwalks into the showroom,compliments come naturally to people when they want something fromsomebody. In fact, compliments are the most widely used and thoroughlyendorsed of all getting-what-you-want techniques.WhenDale Carnegiewrote‘Beginwithpraise,’fifteenmillionreaderstookittoheart.Mostofusstillthinkpraiseisthepathtoextractingwhatwewantfromsomeone.Andyes,ifit’sassimpleasdollsfromdaddyandmunchiesfrommummy,it

maybe.ButthebusinessworldhaschangeddramaticallysinceDaleCarnegie’sday. In today’s world, not every smiling flatterer has the power to procurethroughpraise.

Themalaiseofunskilledpraise

Yougive someoneacompliment.Yousmile,waiting to see thewarmfeelingsengulftherecipient.Youmayhavetowaitalongtime.

Ifheorshehasaspeckofsuspicionthatyourpraiseisself-serving,ithastheoppositeeffect.Ifyourcomplimentis insincereorunskilled, itcanwreckyourchances of ever being trusted by that person again. It can abort a potentialrelationshipbeforeitevergetsofftherunway.However, skilled praise is a different story. When done well, it gives the

relationship immediate lift-off. It can make a sale, win a new friend, orrejuvenateamarriageonagoldenanniversary.Whatisthedifferencebetweenpraisethatliftsandflatterythatflattens?Many

factors enter the equation.They includeyour sincerity, timing,motivation andwording. They also involve the recipient’s self-image, professional position,experiencewith compliments, and judgment of your powers of perception.Ofcourseitentailstherelationshipbetweenthetwoofyouandhowlongyouhaveknowneachother.Ifyou’recomplimentingsomeonebyphone,e-mail,orsnailmail, it even involves subtleties such as whether you’ve ever seen their face,eitherinpersonoraphotograph.Mindboggling,isn’tit?Sociologists’researchshows:(1)acomplimentfrom

a new person is more potent than from someone you already know, (2) yourcompliment has more credibility when given to an unattractive person or anattractivepersonwhosefaceyou’veneverseen,(3)youaretakenmoreseriouslyifyouprefaceyourcommentsbysomeself-effacingremark–butonly ifyourlistener perceives you as higher on the totem pole. If you’re lower, your self-effacingremarkreducesyourcredibility.Complicated,thiscomplimentingstuff.Rather than dizzying ourselveswith the surfeit of specific studies, let’s just

put some terrific techniques in our little bag of tricks. Each of the followingmeetsallthecriteriaofsocialscientists’findings.Herearenineeffectivewaystopraiseinthenewmillennium.

Dependontheirkeensenseofrumour

The risk in giving a compliment face-to-face is, of course, that the distrustfulrecipientwill assume you are indulging in shameless obsequious pandering toachieveyourowngreedygoals.It’sasad realityaboutcompliments. Ifyou layabigoneoutof theblueon

your boss, your prospect, or your sweetie, the recipient will probably thinkyou’rebrown-nosing.Yourmainsqueezewillassumeyou’resufferingguiltoversomethingyou’vedone.Sowhat’sthesolution?Holdbackyoursincereesteem?No, simplydeliver it through thegrapevine.Thegrapevinehas longbeen a

trustedmeansofcommunication.FromthedayswhenCatskillscomicsinsistedthebestwaystospreadnewswere‘telephone,telegraph,andtell-a-woman,’wehaveknownitworks.Unfortunatelythegrapevineismostoftenassociatedwithbad news, the kind that goes in one ear and over the back fence. But thegrapevineneednotbeladenonlywithgossipandsourgrapes.Goodnewscantravelthroughthesamefilament.Andwhenitarrivesintherecipient’sear,itisall the more delectable. This is not a new discovery. Back in 1732, ThomasFullerwrote, ‘He’smy friend that speakswell ofme behindmy back.’We’remore apt to trust someone who says nice things about us when we aren’tlisteningthansomeonewhoflattersustoourface.

No-riskpraise(doitbehindtheirback)

Insteadoftellingsomeonedirectlyofyouradmiration,tellsomeonewhoisclosetothepersonyouwishtocompliment.Forinstance,supposeyouwanttobeinthegoodgracesofJaneSmith.Don’tdirectlycomplimentJane.GotohercloseassociateDianeDoeandsay, ‘Youknow, Jane isaverydynamicwoman.She

said something so brilliant in the meeting the other day. Someday she’ll berunning this company.’ Iplace ten-to-oneoddsyour commentwillgetback toJane via the grapevine in twenty-four hours. Diane will tell her friend, ‘Youshouldhearwhatso’n’sosaidaboutyoutheotherday.’

Technique51:

GrapevinegloryA compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. Apricelesswaytopraiseisnotbytelephone,notbytelegraph,butbytell-a-friend. This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, back-scratching sycophant trying towinbrownie points.You also leave recipientswith the happy fantasy thatyouaretellingthewholeworldabouttheirgreatness.

WhenyougaveGrapevineGlory to Jane,Diane became the carrier pigeon ofthat compliment.Which leadsus to thenext techniquewhereyou become thecarrierpigeonofotherpeople’scompliments.

Bringjoytotheworldlikethebravelittlebirdies

Carrier pigeons have a long and valiant history. The dauntless wingedmessengers,oftenmaimedbyshellfireanddyingafterdeliveringtheirmessages,havesavedthelivesofthousands.OnetenaciouslittlebirdnamedCherAmiiscreditedwithsaving200livesduringtheBattleoftheArgonneinWorldWarI.The brave one-legged little birdie, one of his wings shot through, carried amessagedanglingfromhisremainingligament.Theblood-smearedlittleballoffeathersarrived just in time towarn that theGermanswereabout tobomb thecity.Stumpy Joe, another plucky pigeon, had such a heroic battle-scarred career

thathisfansstuffedhim,mountedhim,andputhimondisplayintheNationalAir ForceMuseum in Dayton, Ohio. And millions of other brave birds havebrought joyfulmessages to racing-pigeonenthusiastsaround theworld. In thatfine tradition, I present the complimenting technique I call Carrier PigeonKudos.Whenever you hear a laudatory comment about someone, don’t let it end

there.Youdon’tneedtowriteit,rollitupinacapsule,strapittoyourleglikeStumpy Joe, and fly it to the recipient. Nevertheless, you can remember thekudosandverballycarry it to thepersonwhowillget themostpleasure– thepersonwhowascomplimented.Keep your ears open for good things people say about each other. If your

colleague Carl says something nice about another colleague, Sam, pass it on.‘Youknow,Sam,Carlsaidthenicestthingaboutyoutheotherday.’Yoursistertellsyouyourfirstcousinisadynamiterelative.Goaheadandcall

Cuz’.YourmothertellsyoushethinksDaviddidagreatjobmowingthelawn.Pass

itontohim.Hey,wealllikealittleappreciation,evenfromMum.

Here’swhereitbenefitsyou.Everyonelovesthebearerofgladtidings.Whenyou bring someone third-party kudos, they appreciate you as much as thecomplimenter.Callitgossipifyoulike.Thisisthegoodkind.

Technique52:

CarrierpigeonkudosPeople immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves intocarrierpigeonswhenthere’sbadnews.(It’scalledgossip.)Instead,becomea carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear somethingcomplimentaryaboutsomeone,flytothemwiththecompliment.Yourfansmaynotposthumouslystuffyouandputyouondisplay inamuseumlikeStumpyJoe.ButeveryonelovestheCarrierPigeonofkindthoughts.

Carrymorecargothancompliments

Anotherway towarmhearts andwin friends is tobecomea carrier pigeonofnews items thatmight interest the recipient. Call,mail, or e-mail peoplewithinformationtheymightfindinteresting.IfyourfriendNedisafurnituredesignerin North Carolina and you see a big article in the Los Angeles Times aboutfurnituretrends,faxittohim.IfyourclientSallyisasculptorinSeattleandyouseeherworkinsomeone’shomeinNewYork,sentheranote.Ihaveafriend,Dan,inSanFranciscowho,wheneverherunsacrossanything

inthepaperoncommunications,clipsitandsendsittome.Nonote,just‘FYI–Regards, Dan’ in the corner. He’s like my own private West Coast clippingservice.Tryit.Thinkofthemoneyyou’llsaveongreetingcards.Arelevantclipping

istheBigWinner’swayofsaying,‘I’mthinkingofyouandyourinterests.’

‘Myexaltedopinionofyoujustslippedout’

Here’syetanothercaress forsomeone’sego.Don’tgiveablatantcompliment.Merely imply somethingmagnificent aboutyourConversationPartner.Severalmonthsago,IwasvisitinganoldfriendinDenverwhomIhadn’tseeninalongtime.Whenhecame tomyhotel topickmeup,hesaid, ‘Hello,Leil,howareyou?’Then he paused, looked atme, and said, ‘You’ve obviously beenwell.’Wow,Ifeltterrific.HeimpliedIlookedgoodandthatmademyevening.GuesstheGoodLorddecidedIshouldn’thavetooswollenahead,however,

because later thatevening,aftermyfrienddroppedmeoff, Igot into thehotelelevator.Amaintenancemanenteredatthethirdfloor.Hesmiledatme.Ismiledback.Helookedatmeagainandsaid,‘Gosh,ma’am,wasyouamodel?’(Oh,man,was I feeling on top of theworld now!) ‘…when youwas young? ’ hecontinued.CRASH!Whycouldn’thehavezippedhislipbeforethezinger?Ilovedthe

implicationinthefirstpartofhiscomment.ButthesecondimpliedIwasnowanoldlady.Ruinedmynextday.Heck,hisunintentionallowblowruinedmyweek.InfactIstillfeelwretchedaboutit.You have to be careful of unintentional bad implications. If, visiting a new

city,youstopsomeoneon thestreetandsay, ‘Excuseme,couldyou tellmeifthereareanyfinediningrestaurantsnearby?’youareimplyingthepasserbyisapersonoftaste.If,however,youaskthatsamepasserby,‘Hey,knowanydownanddirtybarsinthisburg?’yourimplicationisentirelydifferent.Findawaytoimplymagnificentqualitiesofthoseyouwishtoindirectlycompliment.

Technique53:

Impliedmagnificence

Throwa fewcomments intoyour conversation thatpresuppose somethingpositiveaboutthepersonyou’retalkingwith.Butbecareful.Don’tblowitlikethewell-intentionedmaintenanceman.Orthesouthernboywho,attheprom,thoughthewasflatteringhisdatewhenhetoldher,‘Gosh,MaryLou,forafatgalyoudancerealgood.’

Beanundercovercomplimenter

Next in our agglomeration of joy spreaders is a technique I call AccidentalAdulation.Once,atasmalldinnerparty,thesubjectturnedtospacetravel.Thegentleman seated tomy right said, ‘Leil, you’remuch tooyoung to rememberthis,butwhenApollo11landedonthemoon…’Ifmylifedependedonit,Icouldn’ttellyouwhatthechapsaidnext.Isimply

remembersmilingtomyselfandstretchingtogetaglimpseofmyyouthfulselfinthedining-roommirror.OfcourseIrememberJuly1969.Liketherestoftheworld,IwasgluedtothetelevisionwatchingNeilArmstrong’ssize9½Bboothitthemoon.However,Icertainlywasnotthinkingofmoontravelatthatdinnerparty.Iwastoobusyrevelinginthefactthatthislovelymandidn’tthinkIwasold enough to remember1969. I assumedhis opinionofmyyouthfulness justslippedout.Thereforeitmustbesincere.Sure!NowthatIthinkaboutit,heprobablyknewdarnwellIwasoldenough

to remember the moon landing. I bet he was using the manoeuvre I callAccidentalAdulation.Butitdoesn’tmatter.Mywarmmemoriesofhimremain.Accidental Adulation is slipping praise into the secondary part of your point,puttingitinverbalparentheses.

Tryit.You’lllikeit.They’llloveit.

TryAccidentalAdulationandseesmilesbreakoutonthefacesoftherecipients.Tell your sixty-five-year-old uncle: ‘Anyone as fit as you would have zippedright up those steps, but boy,was I out of breath.’ Tell a colleague: ‘Becauseyou’resoknowledgeableincontractlaw,youwouldhavereadbetweenthelines,butstupidly,Isignedit.’

Yourunthedanger,ofcourse,thatyouwillpleasetherecipientsoprofoundlywithyourparentheticalpraise,heorshewon’thearyourmainpoint.

Technique54:

AccidentaladulationBecome an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak praise into theparentheticalpartofyoursentence.Justdon’ttrytoquizanyonelateronyourmainpoint.Thejoyfuljoltof

your accidental adulation strikes them temporarily deaf to anything thatfollows.

So far we have explored four covert compliments:Grapevine Glory, CarrierPigeon Kudos, Implied Magnificence, and Accidental Adulation. There aretimes,ofcourse,whenblatantpraisedoeswork.Thenexttechniqueswillhoneyourskillsinthisprecariousbutrewardingventure.

Knock’emoutinthefirstround

Wouldyouliketohavealittletrickupyoursleevepotentenoughtokickstartcommerce,igniteafriendshiporevenaloveaffair?I’llgiveyouone,butonlyifyou heed itswarning label.Youmust register your tongue as a lethalweapononceyou’vemasteredthefollowingtechnique.It’scalledtheKillerCompliment.Itwasbornonenightsomeyearsagoaftermythen-roommateChristineandI

had just returnedhomefromaholidayparty.Aswewere takingoffourcoats,shehadasillysmileonherfaceandafarawaylookinhereye.‘Christine,areyouOK?’Iasked.‘Ohyes,’shepurred.‘I’mgoingtogooutwiththatman.’‘Man?Whatman?’‘Oh,youknow,’ shesaid,chastisingme fornotknowing, ‘theonewho told

meIhadbeautifulteeth.’Teeth!ThatnightIhappenedtowalkbythebathroomdoorasChristinewasgetting

readyforbed.Isawhergrinningatherself in themirror, tiltingherheadfromsidetoside,andbrushingeachindividualtooth.Allthewhileshekepthereyesglued to the mirror inspecting each one for the beauty her new admirercommented on. I realized the fellow who had given Christine the unusualcomplimenthadmadeherday–andhadmadeakillerimpressiononher.ThustheKillerComplimentcameintobeing.WhatistheKillerCompliment?Itiscommentingonsomeverypersonaland

specificqualityyouspotinsomeone.AKillerComplimentisnot‘Ilikeyourtie’or‘You’reaveryniceperson.’(Thefirstisnotpersonalenoughandthesecondisnotspecificenough.)AKillerCompliment ismorelike‘Whatexquisiteeyesyouhave,’ (very specific)or ‘Youhaveawonderful airofhonestyaboutyou’(verypersonal).

Because delivering your first Killer Compliment is difficult, I trick myseminarparticipants intopullingitoff.Aboutmidwaythroughtheprogramme,I’llaskthemtoclosetheireyesandthinkaboutapartnertheyhadinanearlierexercise.Then I say, ‘Nowrecalloneattractivephysicalqualityorpersonalitytraityouobservedinyourpartner.Notoneyouwouldnecessarilycommenton,’I caution. ‘Perhaps your partner had a lovely smile or a twinkle in her eye.Perhapsheexudedasenseofcalmorcredibility.Gotitinyourmind?’Then the thunderbolt: ‘OK,nowgo findyourpartnerand tell them thenice

quality you noticed.’ ‘What?Tell them?’ The thought paralyzes them.One byone, however, they courageously seek their partners and deliver their KillerCompliments.Aspeoplehearastranger tell themtheyhavebeautifulhandsorpenetratingbrowneyes,joyfillstheroom.Laughterexplodesineverycorner.Iam now looking out at a sea of smiles and happy blushes. Everyone lovesreceivinghisorherpersonalKillerCompliment.Andeveryonedevelopsfriendlyfeelingstowardthegiver.

Technique55:

ThekillercomplimentWheneveryouare talkingwitha strangeryou’d like tomakepartofyourprofessional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, anduniquequalityheorshehas.Attheendoftheconversation,lookthemrightintheeye.Saytheirname

andproceedtocurltheirtoeswiththeKillerCompliment.

Thekillercomplimentuser’smanual

Just like a cannon, if you don’t use the Killer Compliment correctly, it canbackfire.Here’stheuser’smanualthatcomeswiththemightymissile.Rule1:DeliveryourKillerComplimenttotherecipientinprivate.Ifyouare

standingwithagroupoffourorfivepeopleandyoupraiseonewomanforbeingfit, every otherwoman feels like a barrel of lard. If you tell oneman he haswonderful carriage, every other feels like a hunchback. You also make theblushingrecipientuncomfortable.Rule2:MakeyourKillerComplimentcredible.Forexample,I’mtone-deaf.If

I’mforcedtosingevenasimplesonglike‘HappyBirthday,’Isoundlikeasick

pig.Ifanyoneinearshotwerefoolishenoughtotellmetheylikedmyvoice,I’dknowitwashogwash.Rule3:ConferonlyoneKillerCompliment per half year on each recipient.

Otherwiseyoucomeacrossasinsincere,grovelling,obsequious,pandering,andathoroughlymanipulativeperson.Notcool.With careful aim, theKiller Compliment captures everyone. It works best,

however, when you use it judiciously on new acquaintances. If you want topraisefriendseveryday,employthenexttechnique.

Itty-bittyboosters

In contrast to the big guns of Killer Compliments for strangers, and theTombstone Game for loved ones, which we will learn shortly, here’s a littlepeashooteryoucanpopoffatanyone,anytime.IcallitLittleStrokes.LittleStrokesareshort,quickkudosyoudrop intoyourcasualconversation.

MakeliberaluseofLittleStrokeswithyourcolleaguesintheoffice:

‘Nicejob,John!’‘Welldone,Kyoto!’‘Hey,notbad,Billy!’

IhaveonefriendwhousesalovelyLittleStroke.IfIdosomethinghelikes,hesays,‘Nottooshabby,Leil.’YoucanalsouseLittleStrokes on theeverydayachievementsofyour loved

ones. If your spouse just cooked a greatmeal,’ ‘Wow, you’re the best chef intown.’Justbeforegoingouttogether,‘Gee,honey,youlookgreat.’Afteralongdrive, ‘Youdid it! Itmusthavebeen tiring.’Withyourkids, ‘Hey,gang,greatjobcleaningupyourroom.’I once read a poignantReader’sDigest article about a little girl who often

misbehaved.Hermother had to continually reprimand her.However, one day,thelittlegirlhadbeenespeciallygoodandhadn’tdoneasinglethingthatcalledfor a reprimand. The mother said, ‘That night after I tucked her in bed andstarteddownstairs,Iheardamufflednoise.Runningbackup,Ifoundherheadburied in thepillow.Shewas sobbing.Between the sobs she asked, “Mummyhaven’tIbeenaprettygoodgirltoday?”’Thequestion,themothersaid,wentthroughherlikeaknife.‘Ihadbeenquick

tocorrecther,’shesaid,‘whenshewaswrong.Butwhenshetriedtobehave,I

hadn’tnoticeditandIputhertobedwithoutonewordofappreciation.’Adults are all grown-up little girls and little boys. We may not go to bed

sobbingifthepeopleinourlivesdon’tnoticewhenwearegood.Nevertheless,atraceofthosetearslingers.

Technique56:

LittlestrokesDon’tmakeyourcolleagues,yourfriends,yourlovedoneslookatyouandsilentlysay,‘Haven’tIbeenprettygoodtoday?’LetthemknowhowmuchyouappreciatethembycaressingthemwithverbalLittleStrokeslike‘Nicejob!’‘Welldone!’‘Cool!’

Littlethingsmeanalot

LittleStrokesareindeed,little.Butaseverywomanknows,theymeanalot.I’veyet tomeet awomanwhowouldn’t agreewith these lyrics from an old songsungbyKittyKallen:

Blowmeakissfromacrosstheroom.SayIlooknicewhenI’mnot.Touchmyhairasyoupassmychair.Littlethingsmeanalot.

SendmethewarmthofasecretsmileToshowmeyouhaven’tforgot.Foralwaysandever,nowandforever,Littlethingsmeanalot.

To further complicate the art of the compliment, onemust consider timing.Blatant,barefaced,brazenflatteryturnsallbuttheblindestegomaniacsoff.Butthehumananimalnever fails toamazeobservers.Therearemomentswhen, ifyou don’t give a blatant, barefaced, brazen compliment – even to a brightindividual–youlose.Thefollowingtechniquedefinesthosemoments.

Toolittle,toolate

I’llneverforgetthefirsttimeIgavealuncheonspeechinfrontofstrangers.I’dpractisedforthestuffedanimalsonmybedandmyroommateChristine,butthiswasmydebutinfrontofarealaudience.As I shakily got to my feet, I looked out at seventeen smiling Rotarians

waitingformywordsofwitandwisdom.Mytonguewasdryaschalkdust,mypalms as wet as a fish. The audience might as well have been seventeenthousandjudgeswaitingtosentencemetoeternalhumiliationifIdidn’tinformand entertain each. I gave a last panic-stricken glance at Christine, who haddrivenme to theclub, andbegan, ‘Goodafternoon. Itgivesmegreatpleasure…’Thirtyminuteslater,amidstscatteredapplausewhichIfearedwasobligatory,

I crawled back tomy seat next to Christine. I looked expectantly at her. Shesmiledandsaid,‘Youknowthisdessertisn’tbad.Havesome.’Dessert? ‘Dessert!Dammit,Christine,howdid Ido?’ I silently screamedat

her. A fewminutes later Christine told me howmuch she and, she assumed,everyoneelseenjoyedmytalk.Nevertheless,bythenitwastoolate.Thecrucialcompliment-cravingmomenthadpassed.

Quickasahiccup,youmustcomplimentNOW

When the doctor sadistically smacks your knee with that nasty little rubberhammer, you instantly give a knee jerk. Andwhen peoplemake a coup, youmustinstantlyhitthemwithaknee-jerk‘Wow,youweregreat!’Saythey’vejustsuccessfullynegotiatedadeal,cookedaterrificThanksgiving

turkey, or sung a solo song at the birthday party. No matter whether theiraccomplishmentistrivialortriumphant,youmustpraiseitimmediately–notten

minutes later, not two minutes later – immediately. The moment the winnerwalksoutoftheboardroom,thekitchen,thespotlight,there’sonlyonesoundthevictorwantstohear:‘WOW!’

Technique57:

Theknee-jerk‘wow!’Quickasablink,youmustpraisepeoplethemomenttheyafinishafeat.Inawink,likeaknee-jerkreactionsay,‘Youwereterrific!’Don’tworrythattheywon’tbelieveyou.Theeuphoriaofthemomenthas

astrangelynumbingeffectontheachiever’sobjectivejudgment.

Butwhatiftheyreallybombed?

‘Areyouaskingme to lie?’youask.Yes.Absolutely,positively, resoundingly,YES.Thisisoneofthefewmomentsinlifewherealieiscondonedbythemostethical individuals. Big Winners realize that sensitivity to an insecureperformer’segotakesmomentaryprecedenceovertheirdeepcommitmenttothetruth.Theyalsoknow,whensanityreturnstotherecipientandtheysuspecttheyscrewed up, it won’t matter. He or she will retroactively appreciate yoursensitivityandforgiveyourcompassionatefalsehood.We’vetalkedalotaboutgivingcompliments,bothcovertandovert.Nowlet’s

talkaboutaskillthat,formany,isevenharder–receivingthem.

Anationalweakness

I would like to dedicate the following technique to my French friends whocontend the French are better at everything. Well, I concede one point. TheFrenchare,indeed,betteratreceivingcompliments.I’llexplainhowshortly.Americans, unfortunately, are beastly at accepting adulation. If someone

complimentsyouandyoureactclumsilyoutofembarrassment,youunwittinglystartaviciouscycle.Afriendventuresacompliment:

He:(smiling)‘Hey,that’sanicedressyou’rewearing.’She:(frowning)‘Oh,thisoldthing?’He: (thinking) ‘Whoops, she didn’t seem to like hearing that. She thinks I

haveterribletastetolikethatdress.I’dbetterkeepmymouthshut.’Threeweekslater…She: (thinking grumpily) ‘He doesn’t ever give me compliments anymore.

Whataboor!’He:(thinkinggloomily)‘What’sherproblem?’

‘Girlsdon’tlikewhat?’

Several months ago in one of my seminars, the group was discussingcompliments.Onefellowinsistedthat‘Girlsdon’tlikecompliments.’‘Girlsdon’tlikewhat?’Iaskedincredulously.He explained, ‘I once told a woman she had beautiful eyes. And she said,

“Boy,areyoublind.”Thepoorchapwassowoundedbyherreaction,hebecamegun-shyandhadnotaimedacomplimentata femalesince.Whatashameforwomankindandwhatablightonhissocialskills.

Uponreceivingacompliment,manypeopledemurorprofferanembarrassedlittle ‘Thank you.’Worse, they protest, ‘Well, not really but thanks anyway.’Somepeople toss itoffwith, ‘just luck.’Whenyou react thisway,youvisit agraveinjusticeonthecomplimenter.Youinsultawell-meaningperson’spowersofperception.

‘Vousêtesgentil’

Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall phrase. Uponreceivingacompliment, theysay, ‘Vousêtesgentil.’Loosely translated, that is‘Howkindofyou.’AnAmerican saying ‘Howkind of you’ could sound stilted – like the little

flowergirlinMyFairLadytryingtobecultured.Nevertheless,wecanexpresstheFrenchgentilsentimentwithatechniqueIcallBoomeranging.Whenyoutossaboomerang,itmakesanalmost180-degreeswerveinmidair,

andsoarsbacktolandatthefeetofthethrower.Likewise,whensomeonetossesacomplimentyourway,letthegoodfeelingssoarbacktothetosser.Don’tjustsay‘Thanks.’(Orworse,‘Ohit’snothing.’)Letthemknowofyourgratitudeandfindawaytocomplimentthemfortheircompliment.Afewexamples:

Shesays,‘Ilikethoseshoes.’Yousay,‘OhI’msohappyyoutoldme.Ijustgotthem.’Hesays, ‘You reallydidagood jobon thisproject.’Yousay, ‘Oh, that’s so

niceofyoutotellme.Iappreciateyourpositivefeedback.’

YoucanalsoBoomerangthegoodfeelingsbackwhenpeopleaskyouaquestionaboutyourfamily,aproject,anevent,oranythingthatshowstheyareinterestedinyou.

Yourcolleagueasks,‘HowwasyourvacationinHawaii?’Youanswer,‘Oh,yourememberedIwenttoHawaii!Itwasgreat,thanks.’

Yourbossasks,‘Areyouoveryourcoldnow?’Youanswer,‘Iappreciateyourconcern.Ifeelmuchbetternow.’

Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the form of acomplimentorconcernedquestion,reflectitbackontheshiner.

Technique58:

BoomerangingJust as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let complimentsboomerang right back to the giver. Like the French, quickly murmursomethingthatexpresses‘That’sverykindofyou.’

Incidently, in that seminar, I decided to do womankind a favour by settingmalekindstraightoncomplimentsonceandforall.Iaskedthefellowwhosworewomenhatedpraisetogivethreewomensittingnearhimasincerecompliment.Hechosethewomanwith‘thebeautifulsilverhairsittingbehindhim,’thegirlwiththe‘handslikeapianist’tohisleft,andtheladywith‘thelovelydeep-blueeyes’onhisright.Hetoldthemall.Threewomenwaltzedoutof theroomthatnight feelinga littlebetterabout

themselvesthanwhentheywalkedin.And,Ihope,forallthewomenhewouldyetmeetinhislife,onemanleftwithachangedattitudeaboutcompliments.As we come to the end of our exploration of praise, I want to make sure

you’re aiming dead centre for people’s hearts. Whether you’re giving littleCarrier Pigeon Kudos or laying a Killer Compliment on your ConversationPartner,thisnexttechniquekeepsyouontarget.

Theultimatepraiseforsomeonenearanddear

Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds of times our parents’friendsasked,‘Andwhatdoyouwanttobewhenyougrowup?’Thatwasourcuetoregaleouradoringaudiencewithdreamsofbeingaballerina,afirefighter,anurse, a cowboy,or amovie star.Well,mostofour liveswoundupbeingalittle closer to butcher, baker, or candlestick maker. Nevertheless, we all stillhavefantasiesofourowngreatness.Eventhoughmostofuscashedinourchildhooddreamsofbeingthestarwe

thoughtwe’dbe(sowecouldmakesomemoney),weallknowthatdeepdownwearevery,very,veryspecial.Wesaytoourselves,‘Maybetheworldwilllittlenotenorlongrememberhowbrilliant,howwonderful,howwitty,howcreativeorcaringIreallyam.However, thosewho trulyknowandloveme–theywillrecognize my greatness, my magic, my specialness over all other ordinarymortals.’Whenwe find people with the supernatural powers of perception torecognize our remarkableness,we become addicted to the heady drug of theirappreciation.Praising someone you know and love requires a different set of skills from

complimenting a stranger. The formula to bring someone even closer to youpersonallyorprofessionallyfollows.IcallittheTombstoneGame.Itrequiresalittlesetup.StepOne: In a quietmoment chattingwith your friend, your loved one, or

yourbusinesspartner,tellhimorheryouwerereadingsomethingtheotherdayabout,ofall things, tombstones! ‘Thepiecewasabout,’yousay, ‘whatpeoplefantasize inscribed above their grave after they die.’ You learned that peoplewant thequality theyaremostproudof in lifeetchedinstone.Thensay,‘Thevarietyissurprising.Everyonehasadifferentself-image,adifferentdeepsourceofpride.’Examples:

HereliesJohnDoe.Hewasabrilliantscientist.HereliesDianeSmith.Shewasacaringwoman.HereliesBillyBucks.Bygolly,hecouldmakepeoplelaugh.HereliesJaneWilson.Shespreadjoywherevershewent.HereliesHarryJones.Helivedlifehisway.

Step Two: Reveal to your partner what you would like carved on yourtombstone. Be serious about your revelation to encourage him or her to dolikewise.StepThree:Now,youpopthequestion,‘Youknow,Joe,whenallissaidand

done, what are you most proud of?What would you like the world to mostremember about you?Whatwould youwant theworld to see carved on yourtombstone?’PerhapsyourbusinesspartnerJoesays,‘Well,IguessI’dsortoflikepeopleto

know that I’mamanofmyword.’Listencarefully. Ifheexpoundson it, takenoteofeverynuance.Thenfileitawayinyourheartanddon’tsayawordaboutitagain.Joewillforgetyoueverplayedthetombstonegamewithhim.StepFour:Letatleastthreeweekspass.Then,wheneveryouwanttoimprove

the relationship, feed the information back to your partner in the form of acompliment.Say‘Joe,youknowthereasonIreallyappreciatebeinginbusinesswithyouisbecauseyou’reamanofyourword.’WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out of the sky. ‘Finally,’ he says to himself,

‘someonewhoappreciatesmeforwhoIreallyam.’Tellinghimyouadmirehimfor the same reason he admires himself has an impact on Joe like no othercomplimentintheworld.Now,supposeyourfriendisBillyBucks,theonewhowantedhiswitcarved

onhistombstone.You’dsay,‘Billy,ol’buddy,you’reterrific.Ilovesya’causeyoucanreallymakepeoplelaugh.’

‘Iloveyoubecause…(youfillintheblank)’

Suppose your significant other is JaneWilson in the preceding example. Tellyourbeloved,‘Jane,Iloveyoubecauseyouspreadjoywhereveryougo.’SupposeyourlifepartnerisHarryJones.Youtakehishandandsay,‘Harry,I

loveyoubecauseyou live lifeyourway.’BLAM!Youhave found that tenderspotwheretheheartandtheegoblend.

Technique59:

ThetombstonegameAsk the important people in your life what they would like engraved ontheir tombstone. Chisel it into your memory but don’t mention it again.Then,whenthemomentisrighttosay‘Iappreciateyou’or‘Iloveyou,’filltheblankswiththeverywordstheygaveyouweeksearlier.Youtakepeople’sbreathawaywhenyoufeedtheirdeepestself-imageto

them in a compliment. ‘At last,’ they say to themselves, ‘someone wholovesmeforwhoItrulyam.’

TombstoneGame compliments arenot interchangeable.BillyBucksmight notappreciate your calling him aman of his word. Billy’s thing is humour. Janemight not value your thinking she lives life her way. Her source of pride isspreadingjoywherevershegoes.It’swonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them.When itmatches

whattheyappreciateorloveaboutthemselves,theeffectisoverpowering.

Hundredsofpeoplehaveformedimpressionsofyouthroughthatlittledeviceonyour desk, your bed table, your kitchenwall.And they’ve never actuallymetyou.They’veneverseenyoursmiles, feltyour frowns.They’venevergraspedyourhandorenjoyedyourhugs.They’veneverreadyourbodylanguageorseenhowyoudress.Everything they know about you came through tiny filaments,sometimesfromhundredsofmilesaway.Buttheyfeeltheyknowyoujustfromthesoundofyourvoice.That’showpowerfulthetelephoneis.Powerful,yes,butnotalwaysaccurate.ForyearsIdealtwithmytravelagent

onlybyphone.Rani,myfacelessagentwhomI’dnevermetinperson,gotmerock-bottom prices on airfares, cars, and hotels. But her snippy phonepersonalityreallytickedmeoff.AdozentimesIvowedtofindanotheragent.OneMondaymorningseveralyearsago,Ireceivedbadnewsandhadtobook

animmediateflighthomeforafamilyemergency.Therewasnotimetowaitinlineattheairport.SoIjumpedinacabandaskedthedrivertowaitinfrontofthetravelagencywhileIgrabbedticketsandaboardingpass.Like a lit fuse, I zipped into Rani’s agency for the first time. The woman

sitting at the front desk, seeingmy frenzied rush, sympathetically jumped up.Shegavemeareassuringsmileandaskedhowshecouldhelpme.AsIblitheredon about my need for an emergency ticket, she smiled, nodded, and lungedimmediatelyintoaction.‘Whataterrificlady!’I thoughtassheprintedout thetickets.Moments later,dartingoutgratefullygrasping the tickets inmyfist, Icalled

outovermyshoulder,‘Bytheway,what’syourname?’

‘Leil, I’mRani,’ she said. Iwhirledaroundandsawa thoroughlycongenialwoman with a big smile on her face waving to wish me a safe trip. I wasdumbfounded!WhyhadIpreviouslythoughtshewassosnippy?Raniwas,well,sonice.Sittingback in the cabon theway to the airport, I figured it all out.Rani’s

friendliness – her warm smile, her nods, her good eye contact, her bodylanguage, her ‘I’m here for you’ attitude – were all silent signals that didn’ttravel throughwires. I closedmy eyes and tried to remember the voice I hadheardmomentsago.Yes, itwasRani’ssamecrisp,curtpronunciation.ButherfriendlybodylanguagemadeherseemlikeadifferentpersonfromthebrusqueagentI’ddealtwithonthephone.Rani’sphonepersonalityandherdemeanourinpersonwerecompletelydifferentshows.Irealizedit’sthesamewithallofus.Yourpersonality,mine,andeveryone’s

could be likened to a show, a theatrical performance.Youwant tomake sureyours is a box-office smash, not a flop.The following ten techniqueswill getyourphonepersonalityravereviews.

Makeyourmannerfitthemedium

Ihaveafriend,Tina,whodesignedcostumesforanoff-off-Broadwayshowthatbecameasmashhitlastyear.Thetinyshowwassuchacriticalsuccess,itwontheheartofanangel–abacker–anditwenttoBroadway.Theretheshowlaidabigfategg.WhenIreadthebadnews,IcalledTina.‘Tina,whydidtheshowgetsuchbad

reviews on Broadway?’ Tina toldme that, sadly, the director didn’t insist theactorsandactresseschangetheirperformancestoadapttothenewsurroundings.Theactors’understatedmovements,whichmovedsmallaudiencesalternatelytolaughterandtears,werelostinthebigBroadwayhouse.Audiencescouldn’tseetheirsubtlegesturesandpoignantfacialexpressions.Tinatoldmetheperformersneglectedtomaketheirmovementsmuchbiggertofitthenewmedium.That excellent advice is not just for actors.Whenever you are talking, you

mustconsideryourmedium.Ifyourfacewereonabigmoviescreen,youmightgetyourmessageacrosswith awinkor an eyebrow raise.On radio, however,thatwouldbemeaningless.Becauselistenerscouldn’tseeyourwink,you’dhaveto say something like ‘Hi, Cutie.’ Because listeners couldn’t see your raisedeyebrows,you’dhavetosay,‘Wow,I’msurprised!’Your body language and facial expressions comprise more than half your

personality. When people don’t see you, they can get an entirely wrongimpressionasIdidwithRani.Togetyourpersonalityacrossonthephone,youmust translate your emotions into sound. In fact, you have to exaggerate thesoundbecausestudieshaveshownpeoplelose30percentoftheenergylevelintheirvoicesonthephone.Sayyoumeetan importantnewcontact tomorrow.Whenyou’re introduced,

youshakeherhand,youfullyfaceher.Youmakegood,strongeyecontactand

let a sincere smile flood over your face. You even nod and smile, listeningintentlyasshespeaks.Shelikesyoualot.ButhowgoodanimpressioncouldyoumakeonthatVIPifbothyouandshe

were blindfolded and the two of you had your hands tied behind your backs?That’sthehandicapyousufferonthephone.Ifshecouldn’tseeyou,you’dhavetosubstitutewordstoletherknowyou’re

agreeingorlistening.You’dhavetosomehowverbalizethatyou’resmilingandusehernamemoretoreplacetheeyecontact.You’dbeusingthetechniqueIcallTalkingGestures.Tomakeupforyourmissingeyecontact,punctuateyourphoneconversations

with ‘Uh huh’ or ‘I hear you.’ So your listener knows you’re nodding inapproval,verbalize‘Isee,’‘Ohthat’sgreat,’‘Nokidding,’‘Interesting,’and‘Tellmemore!’Shedidn’tseeyouhittingyourheadinsurprise?Bettersay‘Whatasurprise!’

or‘Youdon’tsay!’Hejustsaidsomethingimpressiveandhecan’tseeyourlookofadmiration?

Try‘Thatwaswiseofyou’or‘You’renodummy!’Ofcourse,youneedabigverbalsmileinyourrepertoire.Try‘Oh,wow,that’s

funny!’Obviouslyyou’re going to choosephrases thatmatchyour personalityandthesituation.Justmakesureyourphonelistenershearyouremotions.

Technique60:

TalkinggesturesThinkofyourselfasthestarofapersonalradiodramaeverytimeyoupickupthephone.Ifyouwanttocomeacrossasengagingasyouare,youmustturnyoursmilesintosound,yournodsintonoise,andallyourgesturesintosomethingyourlistenercanhear.Youmustreplaceyourgestureswithtalk.Thenpunchupthewholeact30percent!

Averbalcaress

Whenyou’renotsittingacrossfromeachotherrestingyourelbowsonthesamedesk,yourforksonthesametable,oryourheadsonthesamepillow,youneedasubstituteforintimacy.Howcanyoucreateclosenesswhenthetwoofyouarehundredsofmilesapart?Howcanyoumakethepersonyou’retalkingtoonthephonefeelspecialwhenyoucan’tpattheirback,orgivethemalittlehug?The answer is simple. Just use your caller’s name farmore often than you

wouldinperson.Infact,showeryourconversationswithhisorhername.Whenyourlistenerhearsit,it’slikereceivingaverbalcaress:

‘Thanks,Sam.’‘Let’sdoit,Betty.’‘Hey,Demetri,whynot?’‘It’sreallybeengoodtalkingtoyou,Kathi.’

Saying a person’s name too often in face-to-face conversation soundsmanipulative.However,onthephonetheeffectisdramaticallydifferent.Ifyouheardsomeonesayyourname,even ifyouwerebeing jostledaround inabignoisycrowd,you’dperkupandlisten.Likewise,whenyourphonepartnerhearshisorherownnamecomingthroughthereceiver,itcommandsattentionandre-createsthefamiliaritythephonerobsfromyou.Ifyourlistenerisdrifting,itbringshimrightback.Ifshe’sopeningmail,she

stops.Ifhe’spickinghis teeth,hepulls thepickout.Whenyousaysomeone’snameonthephone,it’slikeyankingthepersonintotheroomwithyou.

Technique61:

Nameshower

Peopleperkupwhen theyhear theirownname.Use itmoreoftenon thephonethanyouwouldinpersontokeeptheirattention.Yourcaller’snamere-createstheeyecontact,thecaress,youmightgiveinperson.Sayingsomeone’snamerepeatedlywhenface-to-facesoundspandering.

But because there is physical distance between you on the phone –sometimesyou’reacontinentapart–youcansprayyourconversationwithit.

WhowantstobeaCheshirecat?

Brr-ing!Nomatterwhetheryouheartheringintheboardroom,thebedroom,orthebathroom, self-styled telephoneexperts tell you, ‘Smilebefore answering.’Someprosevensuggestyouperchamirrorrightnexttoyourphonetomonitoryourgrin.Beenthere,donethat,doesn’twork.Oneevening,inthemiddleofmyweekly

mud-pack facial, the phone rang. The horror of seeing myself in the phonemirrormademyvoice as hideous asmy face. I immediately trashed the pro’sadvicealongwiththemirror.WhowantstosoundlikeadizzyPollyanna?Ano-brainCheshirecat?Alonelyreclusewhoselifeissodullthatthebigthrillofthedayisaphonecall?Anyphonecall?Fromanybody!BigWinnersdon’t smilebefore answering.Theyput a smile in their voices

after they hear who is on the line. That’s when it counts. Answer the phoneunemotionally, professionally. Say your name or the name of your company.Thenwhenyouhearwhoisontheline,thelittletrickistoletabigsmilefloodoveryourface.‘OhJoe, (smile) hownice to hear fromyou!’ ‘Sally, (smile) howare you?’

‘Bill,(smile)Iwashopingitwouldbeyou.’I have a friend, Steve, in Washington, D.C., who heads a major trade

association that lobbies onCapitolHill.Whenever I call Steve, I never knowwhich of his dozens of assistants is going to answer. Nevertheless, whoeveranswersgivesmethesamewarmresponse.Firsttheysay,‘CableTelecommunicationsAssociation,’theirname,and‘How

mayIdirectyourcall?’Nofakefriendliness.Noprefabsmilesintheirvoices.Iamsurethey’renotbeamingbackatthemselvesinanymirror.WhenIsay‘IsMrEffrosavailable?ThisisLeilLowndescalling,’that’swhen

they become superfriendly. ‘Oh yes,MsLowndes,’ they purr. ‘Definitely! Let

meputyourightthrough.’Wow,doesthatmakemefeelspecial!AsI’mwaitingforStevetocometothe

phone,Ifantasizehimsittingattheheadofalongmahoganytableinhisweeklystaffmeeting.Icanjusthearhiminstructinghisstaff,‘Nowif thepresidentorsome higher-ups in theWhiteHouse call, put them right through.Oh, and ofcourse,ifthatimportantwomanLeilLowndescalls,putherrightthrough,too.’While visiting Washington last year, I had lunch with Steve. I took the

opportunity to tell him what a pleasure it was to call his office and how Iappreciated his staff’s warm phone reception. I thanked him for familiarizingeachwithmynameandmentioningImightbecallingfromtimetotime.Stevelookedacrossthetableatmeandblinked.‘Leil,’hesaid,‘youteachtelephoneskills.Haven’tyoucaughton?’‘Huh?’‘Forgive me if I’m bursting a bubble,’ Steve said, ‘but everyone gets that

reception,nomatterwho’scalling.’‘Oh!’

Whenapainintheneckcalls

‘ButSteve,’IprotestedwhenI’drecuperatedfromtheinitialdisappointmentthatIwas a victimof a technique andnot aVIP, ‘what if the caller is unknown, acompletestranger?Surelyyourstaffersshouldn’tfaketheyknowthecaller.’‘Of course not, Leil. In that case, I instruct them to show energy and

enthusiasmoverthereasonthey’recalling.Forexample,supposethecallerisacableoperatorwantingtojoinourassociation.Thecallerwouldgetasmileandasincere,‘Ohyes,MrSmith,I’llputyourightthrough.’‘Yeah,butsupposethecallerissellingofficefurniture?’Ichallenged.‘Doesn’tmatter,’Stevesaid.‘Thesalespersongetsthesamereceptionafterthe

stafferhearswhyhe’scalling.Ifmystaffersayswarmly,“Oh,officefurniture!”thecallerfeelsgood.AndIfindthesalespersonisaloteasiertodealwithlater.’Itoldhim,‘OK,Steve,startingtomorrowmorning,I’mgoingtoputthat“Oh

wow,I’msohappyyoucalledforthatreason”attitudeinmyvoice.’Thenextmorning, the first callwasmydentist’soffice. ‘Ms.Lowndes, this

callistoremindyouyou’reoverdueforyoursix-monthcheckup.’‘Oh, of course, you’re so right,’ I cooed. ‘I’m so glad you called.’ The

receptionistsoundedsurprisedbutverypleasedatmyreaction.‘Ican’tbookan

appointment rightnow,’ I continued, ‘but I’ll call youas soonasmy schedulefreesup.’Shedidn’thasslemewithherusual‘Well,whendoyouexpectthattobe?’ She just hung up satisfied. (And I gotwhat Iwanted – no call frommydentist’sofficeforatleastanothersixmonths.)Thesecondtimethephonerang, itwasamanwhohadorderedmytapeset

calling tocomplain thatoneof the tapesbroke. ‘Ohmygoodness, I’msogladyou toldme about that,’ I saidwith the enthusiasmof havingwon the lottery.The caller sounded a little shocked, but obviouslypleased atmy reaction. ‘Ofcourse, I’ll get another set out to you and I hope you accept my apologies.’Callerhungupsatisfied.(AndIgotwhatIwanted–hisgoodwillandwordofmouthinspiteofmytapeduplicator’sblooper.)Thethirdcallwastougher.ThiswasfromavendorIhadcompletelyforgotten

topay. ‘Oh, I’msogladyou remindedmeof thatbill,’ I lied.Again, shockedpleasurewas the caller’s reaction. (Iwas probably the first creditor in historywhoeversoundedhappyshe’dcalled.)‘InthebackofmymindIfelttherewasonebillIhadoverlooked.I’mwritingthechequeaswespeak.’ThenIgotmyreward.Thedunnersaid,‘Bytheway,don’tworryaboutthe2

percentpermonthlate-paymentcharge.Aslongaswegetyourchequebytheendoftheweek,itwillbeOK.’Shehunguphappy.(AndIgotapresent–nofinancechargesinspiteofmyoversight.)Andsoitwentthroughouttherestoftheday, therestoftheweek,andever

since.Tryit.You’llfindyougetalotmorefromanyonewhenyousmile,afteryou find out who it is or why they’re calling. Use the ‘Oh Wow, It’s You’techniqueonalmosteverycall.

Technique62:

Ohwow,it’syou!Don’tanswerthephonewithan‘I’mjustsooohappyallthetime’attitude.Answerwarmly,crisply,professionally.Then,afteryouhearwhoiscalling,letahugesmileofhappinessengulfyourentirefaceandspilloverintoyourvoice.Youmakeyourcallerfeelasthoughyourgiantwarmfuzzysmileisreservedforhimorher.

‘No,no,aaaaaagh,notthescreen!’

Picture a torture device called The Screen. The mad scientist, laughingmaniacally,forcesthevictimintoagiantmeatgrinderthatmasheshimthroughaheavy-metal screen. It slices his body into a million molecules before he’sreconstitutedontheotherside.Beingscreenedwhenyoucallsomeone’sofficeistheemotionalversionofthatordeal.Youplaceyourcoldcall.‘MayIspeaktoMrJones?’youpleasantlyask.‘Who’s calling?’ a haughty voice responds. Of course, your name is not

prestigiousenoughforthescreenertograntyoutheexaltedstatusofspeakingtoJones.Herruthlessinterrogationcontinues,‘Andwhatcompanyareyouwith?’You

submityourcompany’sname,prayingitwillscorewithher.Andthentotopitoff,shehastheplucktoask,‘Andwhat’sthisinreferenceto?’Aaaaaagh!Severalweeksaftermy luncheonwithSteve, Ihad theoccasion tocallhim

again.‘IsSteveEffrosavailable?ThisisLeilLowndescalling.’‘Oh yes, Ms Lowndes, definitely. Let me put you right through.’ I start

humminghappilyasIwaitforStevetocometotheline.A moment later his assistant came back and said sympathetically, ‘I’m so

sorryMs Lowndes. Steve just stepped out to lunch. I know he’ll be sorry hemissedyour call.’Meanwhile, I’mstill smiling.Do I suspect thatStevedidn’t‘juststepout to lunch’?DoIsuspecthe’ssittingright there?DoIever, inmywildestparanoiddreams,thinkhedoesn’thavethetimeorinclinationtotalktome?DoIfeelscreened?Noway!I’mashappyasacarefreekittenasIleavemynumberforacallback.Yousee,IhaveprobablyfallenfortheSneakyScreen.

Technique63:

Thesneakyscreen

Ifyoumustscreenyourcalls,instructyourstafftofirstsaycheerfully,‘Ohyes,I’llputyourightthrough.MayItellherwho’scalling?’Ifthepartyhasalreadyidentifiedhimself,it’s‘Ohofcourse,MrWhoozit.I’llputyourightthrough.’WhenthesecretarycomesbackwiththebadnewsthatMrorMsBigwig

isunavailable,callersdon’ttakeitpersonallyandneverfeelscreened.Theyfallforiteverytime.JustlikeIdid.

Thepowerbehindthephone

I know a secret about a Big Cat who owns an international hotel chain withproperties in six countries. He hires and fires thousands, awards or pullsimmensecontracts,borrowsfrommajorfinancialinstitutions,andmakeslavishcontributionstocharities.MrBigCat(we’llcallhim‘Ed’)hasarespectedandimmediatelyrecognizablenameinhis industry.Andhere’s thesecret:MrsBigCatistherealbrainsbehindtheoperation.IbecamefriendswithMrsBigCat(we’llcallher‘Sylvia’)whenIdidsome

consulting for her husband’s organization. Sylvia invited me to tea oneafternoon.Shesweetlyapologizedthatthiswas‘maid’sdayoff’sowe’dhavetofendforourselves.Aswehappilyperchedonthepatioandwereabouttodiveintoourteaandcrumpets,thephonerang.Sheexcusedherselftoanswerit.I heardMrs Big Cat say, ‘No, I’m sorry, he’s not in. Shall I tell himwho

called?…No,Idon’tknowwhenheisplanningonreturning,butifyougivemeyournameand…No,IsaidIdon’tknowwhattimehe’llbeback…Yes,I’lltellhimyoucalled.’AsSylviareturnedtothepatio,Icouldshewasannoyedbythecall.Always

onthelookoutforagoodphonestory,Iventuredaquestioninglook.Picking up onmy curiosity, she said, ‘That fool thinks he’s going to get a

contribution fromEd.Ha!’she laughedwryly.Hercandouremboldenedme toask hermore. It turns out the caller, aMr Creighton, was a fund-raiser for amajorcharityEdwasconsideringcontributingto.MyhostesssaidCreightonhadcalledtwiceinthepasttwoweekswhenEdwasout.‘Andnotoncedidhegreetme, askhow Iwas,or apologize for thedisturbance.’ThisdidnotpleaseMrsBigCat.

WasitamajorirritationforMrs.BigCat?No,onlyminor.Butdiditmeanamajorlossforthelittlecatwhocalled?Itsuredid.InEdandSylvia’sBigCathousehold, subtleties count.At thedinner table,MrsBigCat could say toherhusband,‘AverynicemannamedCreightoncalledforyoutoday,dear.’Orshemightsay,‘AratherirritatingchapnamedCreightoncalledforyoutoday.’Onecommentor theothercouldmeanmillionswonor lostbyCreighton’scharity.AndallbecauselittlecatCreightonmildlyruffledMrsBigCat’swhiskers.

Technique64:

SalutethespouseWhenever you are calling someone’s home, always identify and greet thepersonwhoanswers.Wheneveryoucallsomeone’sofficemorethanonceortwice, make friends with the secretary. Anybody who is close enough toanswerthephoneiscloseenoughtoswaytheVIP’sopinionofyou.Homeadvice:SalutetheSpouse.Officeadvice:SalutetheSecretary.

AsurprisingnumberofBigCatspouses–andsecretaries–havedeepclawsintoimportant business decisions. When it comes to hiring time, firing time,promoting time, or buying time,many spouses have a say.When it comes towhosecallsgetthrough,whoseproposalsgetputonthetopoftheboss’sdesk,whogetsluncheonappointmentsmade,secretaries’opinionscount!Onlyfoolishcallersdon’trealizeallspousesandsecretarieshavenames.All

spousesandsecretarieshavelives.Allspousesandsecretarieshavefeelings.Allspousesandsecretarieshaveinfluence.Dealaccordingly.

‘Areyoured,yellow,orgreen?’

WhenAlexanderGrahamBellinventedthephone,heandhiscomradeshadnouse for such trite phrases as ‘Hi, howya doin’?’Bell and his boys never juststartedspoutingtheirideasintotheirlistener’sears.Thefirstwordsoutoftheirmouthsinthosetimeswere‘Canyoutalk?’Bellandhisbuddieswere,ofcourse,referringtotechnicalcapabilities.Littledidtheyknow,morethanahundredyearslater,BigWinnerswoulduse

a form of that same greeting. Today, of course, ‘Can you talk?’ means ‘Is itconvenienttotalk?’Beforelaunchingintoconversation,theyalwaysask‘Isthisagoodtimetochat?’‘DidIcatchyouatagoodtime?’‘Doyouhaveaminutetodiscussthewidgetaccount?’AllfolkshaveaBigBenintheirbrainthatdetermineshowreceptivetheyare

going tobe toyou andyour ideas.Whenyoumesswith their internal cuckooclock,theywon’tlistentoyou.Nomatterhowinterestingyourinformation,orhowpleasantyourcall,badtimingmeansbadresultsforyou.It’s not your fault. Whenever you call someone at home, you never know

whether shewassleepingorwhether there’sa fire raging in thekitchenstove.Whenever you call someone at work, you never know whether he’s got twohourstogetareportinorwhetherthebigbossisnot-so-patientlysittingonhisdesk.Wheneveryouplaceacall,always–notoccasionally,notfrequently–always

askaboutyourtiming.Makeitahabit.Makeitarule.Makeitaself-punishablecrimeifthefirstwordsoutofyourmouthdon’tconcerntheconvenienceofyourtiming:

‘Hi,Joe,isthisagoodtimetotalk?’‘Hello,Susan.Haveyougotaminute?’‘Hi,Carl,didIcatchyougoodordidIcatchyoubad?’‘Sam, doyouhave a second forme to tell you aboutwhat happened at the

gamelastSaturday?’

Therearemanywaystosayit,butitallboilsdownto‘Isthisagoodtimetotalk?’MyfriendBarry,abroadcaster,accomplishesmoreinadaythanmostpeople

doinaweek.Hecameupwithacleverconversationaldevicethatassureshe’llnevershatteranyone’semotionalsundial.HecallsitWhatColourIsYourTime?Barryintroducesthedevicebytellingpeoplehe’scallinghehasgreatrespectfortheir time. He then asks permission to start his future conversations with aquestionthatassureshe’llneverdisturbthemataninopportunemoment.Barrysayshe’sgoing toaskwhatcolour their time is.Theyshouldhonestlyanswer,‘red,’‘yellow,’or‘green.’Redmeans‘I’mreallyrushed.’Yellowmeans‘I’mbusybutwhat’sonyourmind?Ifit’squick,wecandeal

withit.’Greenmeans‘Sure,I’vegottime.Let’stalk.’Red,likethestoplightatthecorner,meansstop.Yellowmeanshurryup,time

isshort,orstopandwaitforthenextgreenlight.Greenmeansgo.Busypeoplepickupquicklyonhis artfuldeviceandenjoy thegame.Most

especially, they enjoyBarry’s sensitivity and respect for their time. In fact, hesays,mostofhiscallersplay thesamesensitivegamewhentheycallhim.‘HiBarry,whatcolourisyourtime?Areyougreen?’

Technique65:

Whatcolourisyourtime?No matter how urgent you think your call, always begin by asking theperson about timing.Either use theWhatColour IsYourTime? device orsimplyask,‘Isthisaconvenienttimeforyoutotalk?’Whenyouaskabouttimingfirst,you’llneversmashyourfootprintsright

inthemiddleofyourtelephonepartner’ssandsoftime.You’llnevergeta‘No!’justbecauseyourtimingwasn’tright.

Salesfolks,waitforthegreenlight

Anotehereforsalespeople. Ifyouaskaprospect ifheorshehas timeto talkandtheansweris‘Notreally,buttellmewhat’sonyourmind,’DON’T!Donotmake your sales pitchwhile they’re red.Do not talkwith themwhen they’reyellow.Waituntilthey’regreen,verygreen.(Ifyoueverwanttoseeanygreencomingfromthem,thatis.)

Whoops,yourparanoiaisshowing

Youcan tell a lot aboutpeople just from theoutgoingmessages they leaveontheirvoicemail. ‘Hello,’ hismachine answers. ‘I’mnot in rightnow.Butyouprobablydon’twanttotalktomeanyway.’Beep.Wouldyoususpectthisfellowhasaninferioritycomplex?‘Hello,’hermachineanswers.‘Thesoundyouhearisthebarkingofourkiller

Dobermanpinscher,Wolf.Pleaseleaveamessageafterthetone.’Beep.Wouldyoususpectthiswomanisworriedaboutbreak-ins?Mostofusdon’trecordourpersonalfoiblessoconspicuouslyfortheworldtohear.Nevertheless,peoplecanhearalotbetweenthelinesofwhatwesayonourvoicemail.LastmonthIneededagraphicartisttodosomeworkforoneofmyextremely

conservativeclients.IphonedMark,anartistwhoseworkIhadseenandlikedalot.Hisansweringmachineblastedear-splittingrockmusicthroughthereceiver.Thenhisvoiceboomedovertheelectricguitar,‘Heythere,dude,don’tbecrude.Jes’croonmeanearfulofsweeeeeeetsoundsrightatthatlonetone.Yeah,yeah,yeah.’ Beep. I banged the receiver quickly back into the cradle to shut outhorriblefantasiesofhowmyclientwouldreactifhehadtocallMark.Histhirty-secondtalentshowmighthavebeenanappropriatesampleofarockmusician’stalent.Butabusinesspersonshouldoptforamoresedateoutgoingmessage.Themessageyouleaveonyouransweringmachinereflectsyourwork.Keepyoursfriendly,neutral,andup-to-date.And here’s the secret: to give the impression you are really on top of your

business, change your message every day. Studies show that callers perceivepeople to be brighter andmore efficient when they hear an updatedmessage

eachtimetheycall.Ifappropriate,letcallersknowwhereyouareandwhenyouintend to be back. If you have customers who need to be attended to, this iscrucial.Trysomethinglikethisonyourofficephone:‘Thisis(name).It’sThursday,

May7th,andI’llbeinasalesmeetinguntillatethisafternoon.PleaseleaveyourmessageandI’llgetbacktoyouassoonasIreturn.’Thatway,ifyoudon’tcallaclientbackuntil4P.M.heisn’tsteaming.Also,keepitshort.Somepeoplechangetheirmessageeveryday,butit’stoo

long. I had a colleague, a public speaker named Dan, who in his finestmellifluousvoiceimposedhisthoughtforthedayonallunsuspectingcallers.LastyearIwasworkingonaprojectwithDanandhadtocallhimthreetimes

inthesamedaytoleaveaprogressreport.Eachtimehismachineanswered:

‘Hello,thisisDan,andhere’smydailymotivator.’Heclearedhisthroatforhisbigrecordedperformanceandthencontinued.‘Didsomeonesaysomethingtodaythatoffendedyou?Sowhat?That’stheirproblem.’Hepaused dramatically. ‘Did someone look at you the wrong way? Sowhat?That’s theirproblem.’Again, apause for themagnitudeof thatsentiment to sink in. ‘Replace your petty thoughts of anger,exasperation, and spite with thoughts of strength. Calm down. Riseabovethoselittleinsignificantirritationsinlife.Focusyourthoughtsinthe direction of fulfillment and accomplishment. Once again, this isDan.’I’msurprisedhedidn’talsoleavehisagent’sphonenumberhere.‘Leaveyourmessageatthetone.Andhaveagreatpeacefulday.’Beep.

The first time I listened toDan’s ‘inspirational’message, the lengthmildlyirritatedme.Thesecondtime,Ifoundmyselfhyperventilatingwhilewaitingforhimtogetthroughhisunbearablylongmessage.Bythethirdcall,hisschmaltzymessageseemed interminable. Iwasfilledwith those‘petty thoughtsofanger,exasperation,andspite’hewarnedagainstbecauseofhisdarnmessage.Ifoundit impossible to ‘rise above it’ and ‘focus my thoughts in the direction offulfillmentandaccomplishment.’ Iwanted topunchhimin thenose.Outgoingmessagesarenot thevenues togive inspirationalmessagesnor to impress theworldwithone’saccomplishments.Anotherfriendofmine,awriter,earnedherselfafewlittlecatstripeswiththis

oneonhermachine:

‘Hello, this isCherylSmith.Cheryl isonhernationalbooktour,’(shepaused so all callers could be appropriately impressed) ‘makingappearances in twelve cities.’ (Another pause as though awaitingapplause.) ‘She’ll be returning on October 7.’ (What’s this she bit?Cheryl herself is speaking.) ‘Please leaveyourmessage for her at thetone.’Beep.

Yes, Cheryl, we know you’re an important author. But your third-partyreferencetoself,yournarcissistic toneofvoice,andtoppingitoffwithtwelvecitieswouldmakeanyBigCatsnickerthroughhiswhiskers.Onelastcodicil:Avoidoneparticularmessagemanybusinesspeopleusethese

days–‘I’meitherawayfrommydeskorontheotherline.’Thesubtextofthismessageis‘I’maslavechainedtomydeskanditisanamazingfactthatIhaveescaped for themoment.’One night Iwasworking into thewee hours.At 4A.M.Idecidedtoleaveamessageonacolleague’sbusinessphonesoshe’dgetitassoonasshecameinatnine.‘Hello,’themessagechirped.‘ThisisFelicia.I’m either away frommy desk or on the other line right now, but leave yourmessageatthetone.’Beep.Felicia,ofcourseyou’reawayfromyourdesk–it’s4a.m.onSundaymorning!‘Ontheotherline?’Atthishour?Ihopenot!You never know how your message is going to affect someone. Just keep

yoursneutral, friendly, constantly changing, short, andunderstated.Noboasts,nobells,nowhistles.

Technique66:

ConstantlychangingoutgoingmessageIf you want to be perceived as conscientious and reliable, leave a short,professional,andfriendlygreetingasyouroutgoingmessage.Nomusic.Nojokes.No inspirationalmessages.Noboasts,bells,orwhistles.Andhere’sthesecret:changeiteveryday.Yourmessagedoesn’thavetobeflawless.Alittlecoughorstammergivesalovelyunpretentiousrealitytoyourmessage.

Neeexxxt!

ProducersofbigBroadwaymusicalscanbebrutalduringauditions.Ananxiouswanna-be star, after rehearsing his audition song forweeks, steps onstage.Heopenshismouthtosing.Afterafewnotes,theheartlessproducershouts,‘Thankyou.NEEEXXXT!’Dreamsofstardomdashedintenseconds!Businesspeople’s professional dreams can also be dashed in the first ten

secondsoftheir‘audition.’Theirauditionisthemessagetheyleaveonsomeoneelse’sansweringmachine.Competent businesspeople wouldn’t dream of sending amessy handwritten

business letter to a VIP on cheap yellow-stained paper and expect a response.They know the recipientwould toss it in the bin.Nevertheless, someof thesesamefolkswillleavealacklustremessageonaVIP’svoicemailandexpectacallback.NooneevertoldthemthatBigWinnersscrutinizemessagesontheirvoicemail with the same consideration of a big Broadway producer. If you soundgood,you’vegotachance.Ifyoudon’t,youarefast-forwardedoutoftheirlife.Salespeople,suitors,candidates,andcompetitorswholeavecrisp,intelligent,

upbeatmessagesonvoicemailgetcalledback.LoserswithlacklustretonesanduncraftedmessagesneverhearfromMrorMsMakeItHappen.MakesureyourmessagereflectsthreeCs:Confidence,Clarity,andCredibility.Inaddition,makeit entice, entertain, or interest the listener. A flat ‘This is Joe, call me back’doesn’tscorewithBigWinners.

Staytunedfor…

Radio DJs use tricks to keep their listeners tuned in. Top salespeople havesimilarlittletrickstoenticeprospectstocallthemback.Here’sonecalledacliff

hanger. To make sure listeners won’t switch stations during the radiocommercial, the broadcaster throws out a mini-mystery: ‘And right after thecommercialwe’llbebackwiththewinningticket…Itcouldbeyours…Staytuned!’Wheneveryou leaveavoicemailmessage foranyone, try to includeacliff-hanger: ‘HiHarry, this isAndrew. Ihave theanswer to thatquestionyouaskedmelastweek.’Or‘HiDiane,thisisBetsy.Ihavesomebignewsaboutthatprojectwewerediscussing.’NowHarryandDianehaveareasontocallAndrewandBetsyback.Pitchpersonalityintoyourmessage,too.Picturethepeoplelisteningtoit.Say

somethingtopiquetheircuriosityormakethemsmile.Themessageyouleaveisyourten-secondaudition.Makeitgood.

Technique67:

Yourten-secondauditionWhiledialling,clearyourthroat.Ifanansweringmachinepicksup,pretendthebeepisabigBroadwayproducersaying‘Nexxxt.’Nowyou’reon.ThisisYourTen-SecondAuditiontoproveyouareworthyofaquickcallback.

Incidentally, if someone’s voice mail unexpectedly comes on and you are

unprepared, quickly hang up (before the beep so they don’t get a hang-upmessage.) Take a moment to craft your entertaining, enticing, or interestingmessage.Rehearseitoncewithconfidence,clarity,andcharisma.Thenredialtoleaveyourgreathotmessage.A funny thing happens. If your party answers this time, you’ll be

disappointed.

Hohum,businessasusual

The inspiration for this next telephone technique comes from personalexperienceswithmid-Manhattan toilets (a less-than-refinedorigin, tobe sure).NewYorkCity,inspiteofallitsreputedsophistication,lagsbehindsomeoftheshabbiestEuropeancitiesinonerespect.Manhattanhasfewpublictoilets.Andnone of those European-style, charming, and at times verymuch appreciated,freestandingstructuresonstreetcorners.In thedayswhen Imadesalescallsaround thebusycityofNewYork, this

presentedaproblem.Severaltimesaday.Ioftenfoundmyselfatthemercyofcoffee-shopcashierswhojealouslyguardedtheirrestroomfacilities.Someshopseven put menacingly scribbled signs in the window, ‘Bathrooms are forcustomersonly.’IoftenfoundthatifIplayeditstraight–goinguptothecashierandaskingifI

couldusetheamenities–I’dgetshotdown.SoIusedthefollowingtechnique.Withoutcastingaglanceatthecashier,I’dstrutconfidentlyintothecoffeeshop.I’dmarchrightpastthebathroombouncerandkeepmygazefixedononeofthebooths.She’dassumeIwascomingforlunchorhadsimplyreturnedtocollectmyforgottengloves.Oncepastthegatekeeperoftheloo,I’dwaitforhertobebusyringingupthenextcheque.Then,likegreasedlightning,I’dsprintintothejohn.IdubbedthisdeceptiontheHo-HumCaperaftermyfeignedattitudeof ‘Ho

hum, business as usual. I come here every daywith nothing onmymind butlunch.’Let us now translate that sneaky subterfuge into a seldom-fail phone

technique.You can use themanoeuvre to sneak around secretaries and dodgetheirheartlessscreening.Insteadofplayingitstraightandaskingforyourpartyby name, just say ‘Is he in?’ or ‘Is she in?’ Using the pronoun is verbally

sprintingpastthesecretarywithabusinessasusual,‘Hohum,Icalleveryday’attitude.

Technique68:

Theho-humcaperInsteadofusingyourparty’sname,casually let thepronounheorshe rolloff your tongue. Forget ‘Uh, may I speak to Ms Bigshot please?’ Justannounce,‘Hi,BobSmithhere,isshein?’Tossingthefamiliarsheoffyourtonguesignalstothesecretarythatyouandherbossareoldbuddies.

‘Doyoureallyhavetotakecareofthatfireinyourkitchen?’

Whenever you’re on the phonewith someone, you hear a lotmore than theirvoices. In the background you might hear dogs barking, babies crying, or acracklingsound.Forallyouknow,thedoghashistailcaughtintherefrigerator,thebabyhastobefed,orthehouseisonfire.Whenyouacknowledgethesoundbyaskingiftheyhavetotakecareofit,youwarmtheheartsofyourlisteners.When you are talking to someone at work, you often hear another phone

ringing. Say immediately, ‘I hear your other line.Do you have to answer it?’Even ifnot,heor shewillappreciate thegesture. Ifhedoeshave tocatch theother call, youcanbe sureheheardnothingyou said after the first ring.He’sonlythinking‘HowcanIinterruptthisbabblingpersonwithoutbeingrudesoIcananswermyotherphone?’Infactwitheverybrr-ing,irritationsetsinthatyouareholdinghimhostagefromdoingwhathehastodo.Hereisthetechniqueguaranteedtosaveyoufrombeinginthatuncomfortable

position.

Technique69:

‘Ihearyourotherline’Whenyouhearaphoneinthebackground,stopspeaking–inmidsentenceif necessary– and say ‘I hear your other line’ (or your dogbarking, yourbabycrying,yourspousecallingyou).Askwhethershehastoattendtoit.Whether she does or not, she’ll know you’re a Top Communicator forasking.

The subtext, of course, is that you are sensitive to what’s going on in yourcaller’s world. If you’re talking to someone far away or in another country,

another way to show you’re tops in the communications department is totranslatetimereferencesintotheirtimezone.Whenyouleaveamessage,say‘Icanbereachedbetweenthreeandfiveyourtime.’And don’t forget foreign holidays. Last July 1, I was on the phone with a

clientfromAustralia.Iwasimpressedwhenhewishedme‘HappyIndependenceDayweekend.’So impressed, in fact, I ranout to find a chart of internationalholidays.ImadeanoteinmycalendarnextApril25towishmyAussiefriend‘HappyANZACDay’(after I figureoutwhat itmeans). Ifyoudobusinesswithpeople around the world, be sure to extend good wishes to them for theirholidays.Forgetaboutyourownifthey’renotshared.I’mstillmortifiedaboutthetimelastNovemberwhenIwasonaconferencecallwithaCanadianclientandsevenofhissalespeople.Iwishedthemall‘HappyThanksgiving.’

It’smuchbetterthesecondtimearound

ThefirsttimeIsawTheWizardofOz,thestorybewitchedme.ThesecondtimeIsawTheWizardofOz,thespecialeffectsamazedme.ThethirdtimeIsawTheWizardofOz, thephotographydazzledme.Haveyoueverseenamovietwice,three times?Younotice subtleties andhear sounds you completelymissed thefirsttimearound.It’s the same on the phone. Because your business conversations are more

consequential thanmovies, you should listen to them two,maybe three times.Oftenwehavenoclearideaofwhatreallyhappenedinourphoneconversationuntilwehear itagain.You’ll findshadingsmoresignificant than thecolourofToto’s collar – and more scarecrows than you imagined who ‘haven’t got abrain!’How do you listen to your important business conversations again? Simply

legally and ethically tape record them. I call the technique of recording andanalyzingyourbusinessconversationsforsubtletiesInstantReplay.Havingataperecorderonherphonecouldhavemadeadramaticdifferencein

thecareerofmyfriendLaura.Laura,anutritionist,haddevelopedanexcellenthealthdrink.Itdeservedtobemarketednationally.Iwas inLaura’sofficeonedaydiscussingherplansandIsaid, ‘Laura, I’ve

gotjustthecontactforyou’.Severalmonthsearlier,IhadmetFred,amanwhoownedachainofsupermarkets.Fredowedmeafavourbecause,athisrequest,I’dgivenaprobonotalkforasocialclubhebelongedto.FredwasaBigBananain the supermarketworld, andwith one ‘yes’ he could putmy friend’s healthdrinkinhisstores.ThatwouldlaunchLauranationally.I placed the call and, lo andbehold,hewas in.And, an evenbigger lo and

behold,FredsoundedinterestedinLaura’sbeverage.‘Putheron,’Fredsaid.

IproudlyhandedLaurathephoneandtheirconversationstartedoutfine.‘Ohsure, I’ll send you a sample,’ Laura said. ‘What’s the address?’ Then I heardLaura say, ‘Uh,wait aminute, letme get something towritewith.’ (I rapidlyrolledapenandpushedapadinfrontofhernose.)‘Uh,what’sthatagain?Didyousay4201or4102?’(Imoaninaudibly.)‘Andhowdoyouspellthenameofthestreet?’(Mymoanbecomesaudible.)‘Whoops,thispenjustranoutofink.Leil, do you see another pen on my desk? (I did, and this time I felt likethrowingitather.)‘Sorry,what’sthatagain?’Yikes,nowIwantedtograbthephoneoutofLaura’shands.Sheshouldn’tbe

botheringabusyBigBananafordetailslikerepeatingaddresses.Shecouldhavecalledhis secretaryback later forclarification.Buteven thatwouldhavebeenunnecessary if she were recording the conversation with the technique I callInstantReplay.Shecouldhavemerelymentioned that shewas flippingon therecorder (mostheavyhittersarecomfortablewith thatconcept)andshewouldhavehaditontape.Fredwasnice toLaura thatday.Butmyfriendneverheardback fromhim.

And to this day, she wonders why. She’ll never know the confused phoneexchangenixedthedeal.Was Fred being unfair just because Laura was a little slow on the phone?

Absolutelynot.Fredfigures, ‘If thiswoman isas insensitiveaboutmy timeatthe beginning of a possible business relationship, what’s she going to be likedownthepike?’Wisechoice,Fred.Istill likeLaura.She’sstillmyfriend.ButwillI introducehertoanyotherBigWinnerswhomighthelpher?Ican’ttakethechance.

Howtosetupyourinstantreplay

InstantReplayissimpleandcheap.Gotoyourlocalelectronicsstoreandaskforarecorderforyourtelephone.Slapitonyourphonereceiver,andplugtheotherend into a cassette recorder. Then turn the recorder on during your nextimportantconversation.Thedevicecouldearnyouhundredsofdollarsonyourfirst call. In some states the law requires you inform the other party you arerecordingthem.Makesuretocheckwiththeauthoritiesaboutthelegalityinthestatewhereyoulive.Ifit’sone-partyconsent,don’tworry.You’retheoneparty.Obviouslyyoumustnevereverusethetapeforanyotherpurposethanforyourown second listening. Not only would that be unlawful, it would beunconscionable. For extra security, don’t leave people’s taped conversations

lyingaround.Keepthesametapeinyourcassettemachineanduseitoverandovertorecordimportantdetails.WithInstantReplay,youcancatchballsyourConversationPartnerthrowsout

onthefirstbounce.You’reonthephonewithyourboss.Heramblesofffourorfivenamesinalawfirmyou’resupposedtowriteto,thentheaddress,thenthenine-digit zip code.Realizinghe’spitchedyou somepretty fastballs, heasks,‘Shall I repeat that for you?’ ‘No thanks, I got it,’ you proudly say, silentlytappingyourlittletaperecorder.Bossisimpressed.

Technique70:

InstantreplayRecordallyourbusinessconversationsandlistentothemagain.Thesecondorthirdtime,youpickuponsignificantsubtletiesyoumissedthefirsttime.It’slikefootballfanswhooftendon’tknowiftherewasafumbleuntiltheyseeitalloveragaininInstantReplay.

YetanotherbenefitofInstantReplay–ithelpshideyourignorance.RecentlyIwasonthephonewithacameramannegotiatingapriceonavideotapetouseasaspeaker’sdemo.LuckilyIwasrecordingtheconversationbecausehisflurryofHi-8,VHS,SuperVHS,BetaSP,andthree-quarterinchU-matichadmewantingto crawl into a rodent hole in the wall. But I listened to the tape of ourconversationafterward.IwrotedownallthewordsIdidn’tunderstandandthenasked a video friendwhat theymeant.Now Iwas able to call the cameramanbackandsay,‘I’dlikeatwo-camerashootonBetaSP.AndcanyougivemeaVHSdubsoIcandosomeoff-lineediting?’Don’tyouthinkIgotamuchbetterpricethanifI’dasked,‘Duh,what’saBetaSP?’

Forgetwhattheysaid,hearwhattheymeant

InstantReplayalsomakesyousensitive to levelsofcommunicationfardeeperthanjustyourcallers’words.Youtunein to theirrealenthusiasmorhesitationaboutanidea.When we want something, our minds play funny tricks on us. If we

desperatelycrave‘yes’fromsomeone,wehear‘yes.’But‘yes’isn’talwayswhatit seems.A client’s forceful ‘YES’ and her hesitant ‘yeee-sss’ are different asheavenandhell.LastmonthIaskedawomanwho’dbookedmeforaspeechif

her office could reproduce my ten-page handout. She gave me the answer Iwanted, whichwas ‘yes.’ Later, however, I re-listened to our conversation ontape.Heransweraboutthehandoutshadbeenaveryhesitant,‘Hmm,well,yes.’I immediately called her back and said, ‘By theway, don’tworry about thosehandouts.’‘Oh, I’msoglad!’ shepurred. ‘Becausewe reallydon’thave thebudget for

thingslike that.’ Igainedmuchmoreinmyclient’sgoodwill thanthevalueofreproducingafewsheetsofpaper.

Let us now return to your live, in-person show.We’re going to talk not onlyabouthow tobe a hit at aparty, buthow to smoothlyhiton all the folks youwant–justlikeapolitician.

Most of us, when invited to a party, waft into a fluffy thought process. Ourrandomreveriegoessomethinglikethis:‘Hmm,thiscouldbefun…Wonderifthey’re going to serve food…Hope it’s good…Might be some interestingpeoplethere…Wonderifmyfriendso’n’soiscoming…Golly,whatshouldIwear?’That’s not the way a politician thinks about a party, however. While

politicians, heavy-dutynetworkers, serious socializers, andBigWinners in thebusinessworldarestaringattheinvitation,theyinstinctivelysurftoadifferentchannel.BeforetheyRSVPwithyesorno,theirbrainscraftjournalisticcampaignquestions.It’stheSix-PointPartyChecklist.Who?When?What?Why?Where?AndHow?Let’stakethemonebyone.

Whoisgoingtobeattheparty?

More specifically, who will be there that I should meet? Serious networkerscalculate ‘Whomust Imeet for business?Who should Imeet for political or

social reasons?’ And, if single and searching, ‘Who do I want to meet forpossiblelove?’If they don’t know who is going to be in attendance, they ask. Politicians

unabashedlytelephonethehostorhostessofthepartyandask,‘Who’scoming?’As the party giver chats casually about the guest list, politicians scribble thenamesofthepeoplewhointerestthem,thenresolvetomeeteach.

WhenshouldIarrive?

Politicians do not leave arrival time to whenever they finish getting dressed.Theydon’taskthemselves,‘Hmm,shouldIbefashionablylate?’Theycarefullycalculatetheirestimatedtimeofarrivalandestimatedtimeofdeparture.If the party is bulgingwith contacts, Biggies get there early to start hitting

theirmarksaseacharrives.VIPSfrequentlycomeearlytogettheirbusinessdonebeforepartyregularswho‘hatetobethefirstonethere’startarriving.Theyareneverembarrassed toarriveearly.After all, theonlypeoplewho see themareotherearlyarrivalswhoareoftenHeavyHitterslikethemselves.Norwillyoufindpoliticiansprowlingaround, the last toslinkout thedoor.

Oncethey’veaccomplishedwhattheysetouttodo,they’reontheirwaytothenextopportunity.Iftheiragendaismoresocial,theytrytoleavetheirdeparturetime open and their aprés-party schedule free. That way, if they make animportant new contact, they can stay around and talk with him. Or drive herhome.Orgosomewhereelseforcoffee.

WhatshouldItakewithme?

Apolitician’schecklistisnottheusual,‘Let’ssee,mycomb,cologne,andbreathmints.’Theypackmorefunctionalnetworkingtoolsintheirpocketsorpurses.IfCorporateCatswillbeprowlingtheparty,theypackapocketfulofbusiness

cards.Ifit’sagalawherepeoplearegaddingaboutonthesocialladderandtheywanttoexudeold-worldelegance,theygrabahandfulofsocialcardscontainingonly theirnameandpossiblyanaddressandphonenumber. (Somefeelgivingoutabusinesscardinapurelysocialsettingcanbegauche.)Themostvitaltoolintheirpartypackisasmallpadandpentokeeptrackofimportantcontacts.

Whyisthepartybeinggiven?

The politician’s perpetual philosophy of ‘penetrate the ostensible’ enters here.(That’s justafancywayofsaying‘lookunder therug.’)Theyask themselves,‘What is the ostensible reason for the party?’ A big industrialist is giving hisdaughteragraduationparty?Anewlydivorcedexecutiveisthrowinghimselfabirthdaybash?Aflounderingbusinessiscelebratingitstenthyear?‘Nice,’politicianssaytothemselves,‘that’stheostensible.Butwhat’sthereal

reasonfor theparty?’Maybe the industrialistwants togethisdaughteragoodjob so he’s invited dozens of potential employers. The birthday boy is singleagain so theguest list is heavywith attractive and accomplished females.Thebusiness desperately needs good PR if it’s going to stay around another tenyears.Sothey’veinvitedthepressandcommunitymakersandshakers.Politicianshaveexpertunder-rugvision tospot thehost’s realagenda.They

will,ofcourse,neverdiscussitattheparty.However,theinsightelevatesthemtoasharedstateofhigherconsciousnesswithotherHeavyHittersatthebash.Theirknowledgealsomakesthemvaluableagentsforthepartygiver.Asavvy

politicianintroducesthejob-seekingdaughtertosomeexecutivesattheparty,ortellsthemostalluringwomenatthebashwhatagreatguybirthdayboyis.Whenchattingwithreporters,hetalksupthehost’sbusinessthatneedsgoodPR.Whenpeoplesupport therealwhyof theparty, theybecomepopularandsought-afterguestsforfutureevents.

Whereisthecollectivemind?

Oftenpeople fromoneprofessionorone interest groupwill comprisemostofthe guest list.Apolitician never accepts any invitationwithout askingherself,‘Whatkindofpeoplewillbeatthisparty,andwhatwilltheybethinkingabout?’Perhaps there will be a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medicalheadlines and rehearses a little doc-talk. If the guests are a nest of new-agevoters,thepoliticiangetsuptospeedontelepathichealing,Tantrictoning,andtrancedancing.Politicianscan’taffordtonotbeintheknow.

HowamIgoingtofollowupontheparty?

Now, the big finale. I call it ‘contact cement.’ It’s cementing the contacts thepolitician has made. After meeting a good contact and exchanging cards,practicallyeveryonesays,‘It’sbeengreattalkingtoyou.We’llstayintouch.’This good intention seldom happens without herculean effort. Politicians,

however,makeascienceoutofkeepingupthecontact.Aftertheparty,theysitat their desks and, like a game of solitaire, lay out the business cards of thepeoplethey’vemet.UsingtheBusinessCardDossier techniquedescribed laterinthissection,theydecidehow,when,andiftodealwitheach.Doesthispersonrequireaphonecall?Shouldthatonereceiveahandwrittennote?ShallIe-mailorcalltheotherone?Use theSix-PointPartyChecklist – theWho?When?Why?Where?What?

andHow?ofapartyasyourgeneralgameplan.Nowlet’sgetdowntospecifics.

‘Howcomepeopledon’tapproachme?’

Theaveragepartygoer,let’ssayCharlie,arrivesatthebash.Hemakesabeelinefor the refreshment table for munchies and a beverage. He then finds a fewbuddiesandstartschattingawaywiththem.Chewingthenibblesonhisplateandthefatwithhisfriends,heoccasionally

looksaroundtheroomtoseewhomightbenewandfuntotalkto.He’shopingseveralattractiveandinterestingpeopleatthepartywillspothimandcomeovertotalk.What’swrongwithCharlie’sapproach?Everything ifCharliewants tomake

the party productive. Let’s start with the average party goer’s first mistake –gettingsomerefreshmentsandadrinkrightoffthebat.Peopleminglingatapartymakejudgments,oftensubconscious,aboutwhom

theyaregoingtoapproach.Haveyoueverlivedonafarm?Orhadadogoracat?Thenyouknowyouneverdisturbanimalswhentheyareeating.Likewise,when a human animal is eating, other human animals do not feel comfortableadvancing.Ifpartygoers’eyesscanthecrowdandseeyouwiththefeedbagon,theypassrightoveryou.Subconsciouslythey’resayingtothemselves,‘Letthehungry hound chow down and maybe we’ll talk later.’ Later never comesbecause theywind upmaking friendswith someone elsewhosemouthwasn’tfull.Politiciansalwayseatbeforetheycometotheparty.Theyknowthey’dneeda

circusjuggler’stalenttoshakehands,exchangebusinesscards,holdadrink,andstuffcrackersandcheeseintotheirmouths–allwithjusttwohands.

Technique71:

Munchingormingling

Politicians want to be eyeball-to-eyeball and belly-to-belly with theirconstituents.LikeanyBigWinnerwellversedinthescienceofproxemicsandspatialrelationships,theyknowanyobjectexcepttheirbeltbuckleshasthe effect of a brickwall between two people. Therefore they never holdfoodordrinkataparty.Cometomunchorcometomingle.Butdonotexpecttodoboth.Likea

goodpolitician,chowdownbeforeyoucome.

Howtomakeanunforgettableentrance

Loretta Young makes television history when she appears at the head of herimmensestaircaseandsurveystheset.Thensheswoopsdowntostarttheshow.ThePopestepsoutontohisbalconyoverlookingStPeter’sSquare inRome

andsurveysthecrowd.Thenhebeginsthebenediction.BetteDavisstopsinthedoorwayandlooksaround.Thenshemutters,‘Whata

dump!’Andevery late-nightTVcomic since ‘Heeeere’s Johnny!’ stepscentre stage

andscrutinizestheapplaudingaudience.Thenherevealsthereasonforthesmirkonhisface.Whatdoallthesegreatentranceshaveincommon?Eachpausesmomentarily

andlooksaroundbeforeswoopingintodecisiveaction.Moviedirectors love shotsofTHEDOORWAYwhere the camerapans, the

musicswells,andalleyesgravitatetothehonchoorhonchoettestandingunderthe frame.Does the star skulk into the room like a frightened littlekitten in anewowner’shome?Or,likemanyofusdoataparty,franticallygravitatetothefirst familiar face sopeoplewon’t thinkheor she’sunconnected?No, the starstops.Then,framedbythedoorway,hisorhernotablepresenceisfeltbyall.Peoplewhohavemasteredthistrickhavewhatenvioustheatricalwanna-bes

call ‘stage presence.’ Stage groupies think some lucky stars are born with it.Thinkagain,thespians.It’scultivated.Politiciansdon’tjustslinkunnoticedintoaroomfulofpeople.PoliticiansmakeTheEntrance.With one simple technique, you too can make great entrances. I call it

Rubberneck the Room. Before entering, stop dramatically in the doorway andsurvey the scene s-l-o-w-l-ywithyoureyes. It is significant that,whileyou’restanding in thedoorway,you’renot thinking, ‘Lookatme.’The reasonyou’reRubbernecking the Room is not to show off. It is so you can diagnose the

situation you’re walking into. Take note of the lighting, the bar, and mostimportant,thefaces.Listentothemusic,thebuzzofthecrowd,theclinkingofglasses.Seewhoistalkingtowhom.Whilerubbernecking,you’llalsobeusingBe the Chooser, Not the Choosee, the next technique, which helps you selectyourfirst,second,andmaybethirdtarget.Now,liketheBigCatwhorulesthejungle,leapintomakeyourfirstmovetowardwipinguptheroom.

Technique72:

RubbernecktheroomWhenyouarriveatthegathering,stopdramaticallyinthedoorway.Thens-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like aSWATteamreadyinaheartbeattowipeoutanythingthatmoves.

IntandemwithRubbernecktheRoom,tryusingthefollowingtechnique…

‘Hmm,anyinterestingstrangersIshouldmeet?’

Politicians don’t wait for others to approach them. If the party host or theircampaignmanagerhasnotsupplieda‘mustmeet’list,theychoosetheirtargetswhile Rubbernecking the Room. As their keen eyes scan the crowd, they’reasking themselves ‘Whowould Imost enjoy talking to?Who looks like theycouldbemostbeneficialtomylife?WhocouldIlearnmostfrominthisgang?’Howdo theychoose?They lookateveryone thesamewaymyfriend,Bob,

the caricature artist, looks at people. You can tell a whole lotmore than yourealizeifyoukeepyourgazefixedonsomeone.Everytwinkleinsomeone’seyeandeverylinesurroundingittellsastory–thestoryofthelifeheorsheleads.Whowasitwhosaid,‘Atagethirty,everyonehasthefacehedeserves’?Yetfewof us consciously look into strangers’ eyes. How foolish that, at a party orconvention for making contacts, most people are embarrassed to make eyecontactwithpeoplewedon’tknow.Inmynetworkingseminar,Iprimeparticipantstomakeintensevisualcontact

byaskingthemtoformabigcircle,walkaroundtheroom,andsilentlystareateach other. ‘Gaze into each other’s eyes,’ I tell them. ‘Examine each other’smovements.’Astheyarewalking,Isay,‘Themostimportantbusinesscontact,thedearest

friend, or the love of your life is probably not in this room. Nevertheless,sometimesoon,youwillbeinaroomwhereyouwillspotsomeoneyousensecould change your life. I want you to be prepared. I want you to have thecouragetomaketheapproachandnotwait invainfor thatspecialsomeonetoapproachyou.’Whilestrollingandstaring,Iaskthemtosilentlychoosethefourpeopletheymostwanttotalktoduringthebreak.

‘Onlythebeautifulpeoplewillbechosen’

When given this unfamiliar and uncomfortable assignment, the participantsassume everyone will make a beeline for the most attractive people. It neverhappens.Somethingmysticaloccurswhenpeopletakethetimetoreallylookateachother.Everyonediscoversadistinctivebeauty inoneor twootherpeoplethatisverypersonal,veryspecial,andspeaksuniquelytotheseeker.ThedearestfriendinmylifewasahomelylittlefellownamedChip.Hewas

only5'2''.Chiphadahugenoseandfunnylittleeyespeepingoutthroughthickglasses.At aparty,withoutusing this technique, IprobablywouldneverhavenoticedChip.However,myconcentrationwasonhimthedaywemetbecausehewasgivingaspeech.WhenIgazedintentlyintohiseyesandwatchedhislipsmoving,Isawsuchsubjectivebeautycomingfromhisface.Hebecamemybestfriend for twelve years until a tragic disease took his life. Nevertheless, Chipremainedbeautifultomeuntiltheendbecause,nomatterhowtwistedhisbodybecamewithillness,thebeautyshonethroughhisspirit.As the seminarparticipants exploreeachother’s facesandmovements, they

discoverthesubjectivebeautyintheirfaces,intheirspirits.Noonecanexplainwhyonepersonchoosesanotherasoneofhisorherspecialfour.Yetpracticallyeveryone returns from the break having made a new good friend. Never isanyoneleftunchosen.When you seek people’s special qualities by exploring their faces, youwill

find them. If youwant towalk out of any gatheringwith your life enhanced,spendtimewithpeopleyouchoose,notjustthosewhochooseyou.Bechooseyinwhoyoupick.Butdon’twaittobethechoosee.

Technique73:

Bethechooser,notthechooseeThe lifelongfriend, the loveofyour life,or thebusinesscontactwhowilltransform your future may not be at the party. However, someday,somewhere, he or she will be. Make every party a rehearsal for the bigevent.Do not stand aroundwaiting for themoment when that special person

approachesyou.Youmake ithappenbyexploringevery face in the room.Nomore ‘shipspassing in thenight.’Capturewhateverorwhomeveryouwantinyourlife.

‘Sure,inaseminar,it’seasy.Butwhataboutreallife?’

Sometimes, after the break, a participant will say, ‘It was simple to go up topeople Iwanted to talk to this timebecauseyougave itasanassignment.Butwhataboutatarealparty?’Recently,oneofmyparticipantsnamedToddaskedmethisquestioninfrontofthegroup.Iasked,‘Todd,howdidyoumaketheapproachthistime?’‘Well,Ijustwentupandsaid,“Hi,I’mTodd.Iwantedtotalktoyou.”’‘Well?’Iasked.Itdawnedonhimthathecouldusethisopeningphrasetomeetanyoneatany

party.Tosmoothapotentiallyawkwardmoment,youquicklyfollowupwithaninnocuousquestionlike‘Howdoyouknowthehostess?’or‘Doyouliveinthearea?’Now,you’reoffandrunningjustasthoughthehosthadintroducedyou.Ofcourse,otherchooseypeoplewillbeprowlingaroundtheparty.Someof

them,afterscrutinizingyou,willdecideyouareoneofthespecialpeopletheychoosetotalkto.Thefollowingisasubliminalmanoeuvretomakeiteasyforthemcomeovertoconfirmtheymadeawisechoice.

Yourbodycanbeckon‘comeonover’orgrowl‘goaway!’

Haveyouevernoticedhowcomfortableyoufeelsaunteringintocertainrooms?Thechairsarearrangedinawaythatwelcomesyouasifsaying,‘Comerightoninandsitonme.’Conversely,youenterotherroomswhereyoumustnavigateacircuitousroutearoundtablesanddressersbeforeyoufinallyfindafreechair.Likewise, some people arrange their body furniture, their arms and legs, to

say,‘Hey,comerightonoverandtalktome.’Yetotherpeople’sbodyfurnitureshouts, ‘Keep out! Approach at your own risk.’ Shy people inadvertently say‘stay away’ when they fold their arms. They give off insecure signals byclutchingapurse,claspingadrink,orsmokingacigarette.Controlled studies show that party goers aremore comfortable approaching

people who stand with an open body – arms uncrossed and hanging at theirsides, legsslightlyseparated,aslightsmileon their faces.Anyobjectbetweenyou and the crowd is a subliminal cutoff – even your purse. More peopleapproach awomanwho sports a shoulder bag than one squeezing a handbag.The shoulder bag hangs behind her back, thus leaving the path to talk to heropen.

Givethemtheol’wristflash

Now,here’sthepiècederésistance.Nexttoyourface,yourwristsandpalmsareoneofthemostexpressivepartsofyourbody.Palmsupspeakvolumesofgoodsentiments.The Pope’s wrists and palms are up when he beckons ‘Come unto memy

brethren.’Theburglar’swristsandpalmsareupwhenhesays,‘Igiveup,don’tshoot.’The innocentman’swristsandpalmsareupwhenhe’ssaying, ‘Idon’t

knowwho took themoney.’Vulnerable,openpalmssignify ‘Ihavenothing tohide.’Theyalsosignifyacceptance.Whenyouarelisteningtoabusinesscolleague

towhomyouwanttosignalacceptance,makesureyourwristsandpalmsareup.Even if you’re resting your head on your chin, turn your wrists forward.Whenever you are chattingwith anyone, give yourself a constant hand check.Make sure you don’t point your knuckles directly toward anyone. Let themhavethepleasureofseeingthesoft,tender‘comehither’skinofyourwristsandpalms,notthewrinkled‘goaway’hideonyourknuckles.Romance on your mind? Ladies, let your hands do some talking for you.

Women instinctively turn their wrists and palms upward when a man excitesthem.(Infact,theol’wristflashwhiletalkingwithmalessubconsciouslygivesthemasexyjolt.)

Technique74:

Come-hitherhandsBeahumanmagnet,notahumanrepellant.Whenstandingatagathering,arrange your body in an open position – especially your arms and hands.People instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists seductivelyarrangedinthe‘comehither’position.Theyshyawayfromknucklesinthe‘get lost or I’ll punch you’ position.Use yourwrists and palms to say ‘Ihavenothingtohide,’‘Iacceptyouandwhatyou’resaying,’or‘Ifindyousexy.’

Paveaclearpathforpeoplewhofindyouspecial

Frightenedlittlejunglecatscrouchbehindrocksandlogssonobiggeranimalswillspotthem.Inthesocialjungle,shypeopledothesame.Theyinstinctivelyseekoutcornersandsitinseatswheretheywon’tbeseen.Whereas lynxes and lions stroll confidently to the centre of the jungle

clearing,humanBigCatsinthesocialjunglealsostandconfidentlyinaclearingsootherscanseethem.Likeapolitician,positionyourselfnearadoorwaysinceeveryonemustpassyourwayatsomepointintheevening.

Nowwecometoatechniqueallpoliticiansuse.Infact,somepoliticalpunditshave credited the election of both John Kennedy and Bill Clinton to their

masteryofthetechniqueIcallTracking.

Makethemfeellikeanold-timemoviestar

In the1940s,moviesweredifferent.Beforeexperimental films, cinemaverité,and nouvelle vague, they had stories. Americans hopped in their Buicks – afoxtail tied to the radio antenna and baby boots suspended from the rearviewmirror–drovetothemoviehouse,andwatchedastoryunfoldbeforethem.Almostinvariably,theheroandheroineonthesilverscreenwouldmeet,fall

in love, overcome seemingly impossible obstacles, get married, and(presumably) live happily after. Oh, the stories varied slightly. But there wasalwaysa leadingmanandmaybea leadingwoman.Thentherewastherestoftheworld.Thesupportingcharacterscouldliveordiewithoutmuchbrouhaha.Buteveryminoreventinthestar’slifewassignificant.Well,moviesmayhavechanged.Humannaturehasn’t.Everyonefeelslikethe

starofa1940smovie.Everytrivialeventintheirlivesismomentous.‘There’sME.Thenthere’stherestoftheworld.’Whatsomeonehadforbreakfast,whatshoeshechosetowear,andwhetherhe

tooktimetoflosshisteethcanbemoreimportanttothatparticularsomeonethanthefalloffarawaynationsortheriseofglobaltemperatures.Husbandsandwivessometimessharetheirspouse’sminutia:

‘Whatdidyouhaveforbreakfast,Honey?’‘Youdidn’twearthoseshoes,didyou?’‘Didyouremembertofloss?’

To create an interesting intimacy, Big Winners make a point to rememberminutedetailsofimportantcontacts’lives.Theyobviouslydon’tfeigninterestinwhat they had for breakfast, or whether they flossed or forgot. But to make

someonefeellikeabigstar,theyrememberdetailstheircontactdoeshappentoshare.Take their lead. If a prospect mentions he had Rice Krispies for breakfast,

allude to it later. If, in chatting, your boss tells you she wore uncomfortableshoes to work one day, find a way to refer to it on another. If your clientmentionshe’saresoluteflosser,complimenthimatalaterdateonhisdiscipline.Ithintsheor she is amemorable star in thegalaxyofpeopleyou’vemet. It’scalledTracking their lives.Whenyou track theirminutia, youmake them feellike1940smoviestars,andthatminoreventsintheirlivesaremajorconcernsinyours.

Don’tleaveittochance

PoliticiansmakeascienceoutofTracking.Theykeepalittleblackboxeitherontheirdesk,intheircomputer,orintheirbrainofthelastconcern,enthusiasm,oreventdiscussedwitheveryoneintheirlife.Theykeeptrackofwherethepeoplewere,whattheysaid,andwhattheyweredoingsincethelastconversation.Thenthefirstwordsofthenextphonecallormeetingwiththatpersonrelatestoitthatinformation:

‘Hello,Joe.HowwasyourtriptoJamaica?’‘HeySam,didyourkidmakethebaseballteam?’‘Hi,Sally.Haveyouheardbackfromyourclientyet?’‘Nicetohearfromyou,Bob.ItmeansyousurvivedthatSzechuanrestaurant

youweregoingtolasttimewespoke.’

Whenyouinvoke the lastmajororminorevent inanyone’s life, itconfirmswhatthey’veknownallalong.They’rethemostimportantpersonintheworld.Oneofthemostpowerfulformsoftrackingisrememberinganniversariesof

people’s personal achievements. Did your boss get promoted to her presentposition one year ago today? Did your client go public? How much morememorablethanabirthdaycardtosendaone-yearcongratulationsnote.Rememberingpeople’sprivatepassionsisanother.Severalyearsago,Iwrote

regularly for amagazine.My then editor, Carrie, was obsessed with her newkittennamedCookie.RecentlyIranintoCarrieatawriters’conference.Inearlyconversation I said to her, ‘I guess Cookie’s a full-grown cat by now. Howisshe?’

Carrie’sastonishedsmilewasmyreward.‘Leil,’ she squealed, ‘I can’t believe you remember Cookie. Yes, she’s fine

nowand…’CarriewentonforanothertenminutesaboutCookie,thenowfull-growncat.

Technique75:

TrackingLike an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of yourConversationPartners’lives.Refertotheminyourconversationlikeamajornewsstory.Itcreatesapowerfulsenseofintimacy.When you envoke the last major or minor event in anyone’s life, it

confirms the deep conviction that he or she is an old-style hero aroundwhom the world revolves. And people love you for recognizing theirstardom.

Aweek later I got a call fromCarrie askingme if I’d do a big story for hermagazine. Did she think of me because I used the Tracking technique andrememberedCookie?Nobodycansay,but Ihavemysuspicions. I’veseen theTracking technique work on too many people to assume the rewards arecoincidental.

How do politicians remember so many facts to track about so many people?Theyusethefollowingtechnique.

‘Howdidyourememberthat?’

Severalyearsago,Iattendedapoliticalfund-raisingeventinaMidwesternstate.Oneguest intriguedme.SometimesI’dseehiminanimatedconversationwithseveral people.Other times, he’d be standing alone scribbling somethingon acard in his hand. Then the next time I’d look up, he’d be chatting it upwithsomeoneelse.Thenextminute,he’dbescribblinginhishandagain.Herepeatedthispatternforoveranhour.Ibecameascuriousasanosyneighbour.Whowasthisfellow?At one point during the evening, I was standing alone by the refreshment

table.He cameup tomewith abig smile, awarmhandshake, and introducedhimself.‘Hi,I’mJoeSmith.’HeaskedmewhatIwasdrinking.Itoldhimwhitewineandwestarteddiscussingpreferences.IhappenedtomentionmyfavouritewhitewasSancerre.Whilewe talked, Ihad tobitemy tongue to resist askinghimwhathe’dbeenuptowiththefeverishnotetaking.Afewminuteslater,Ispottedafriendacrosstheroomandexcusedmyself.He

askedformycardand,asIwalkedaway,Ipeekedovermyshoulder.Iknewit!Therehewas,scribblingonmycard.Thatwasmyopening.Iturnedbackand,trying to pass my inquiry off as a joke, said, ‘Hey, I didn’t give you mymeasurements.What’sthatyou’rewriting?’Hegave a hearty laugh atmy tasteless joke and said, ‘You caughtme!’He

turned over my card and I saw one word written on it, ‘Sancerre.’ Then, toassuage my paranoia, he emptied his pocketful of people’s business cards toshowmescribblesonthebackofeach.IassumeditwasjustJoe’slittlesystemtohelphimrememberpeople.Itwasn’tuntilmonthslaterthatIsawthemethodtohismadness.

OnemorningIwenttomymailboxandfoundapersonalpostcardfromJoe.Hetoldmehewasrunningforstatesenator.Thenatthebottomofthecard,he’dwritten,‘HadanygoodSancerrelately?’Thatwonmyheart.HadIlivedinhisstate,alittletouchlikethatmighthaveswayedmyvotetohim.

Technique76:

ThebusinesscarddossierRightafteryou’vetalkedtosomeoneataparty, takeoutyourpen.Ontheback of his or her business card write notes to remind you of theconversation: his favourite restaurant, sport, film, or drink; whom sheadmires,whereshegrewup,ahighschoolhonour;ormaybeajokehetold.In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favourite

restaurant,film,movie,drink,hometown,highschoolprize.Orreprievethelaughoverthegreatjoke.

They may not jump up and down asking, ‘How did you remember that?’Nevertheless, theywill rememberyou.Nomatterhowimportant theVIP,heorshesensesaspecialkinshipwiththepersonwhoreferstootherthantheirusualwell-knownaccomplishments.Politicians are constantly selling themselves. (If you’ve everwonderedwhy

America is called ‘TheLandofPromise,’ justkeepyourearsopen inelectionyear.)But,ofcourse, toknowwhat topromisepeople,politiciansuse thenextsupersalestechniquecalledEyeballSelling.

Keepyoureyesopentoseeeverywordtheydon’tsay

Thepercentageof sales that Jimmi, agood friendofmine,makes isnot tobebelieved. Even his sales manager doesn’t know how he does it. But I do.Becausehetoldme.Jimmi says the fancy sales techniques he’s learned over the years (Benefits

Selling, Partnering, Selling to Personality Types, Value-Added Concept,RejectionProofing,SpinSelling)allpalenexttowhathecallsEyeballSelling.Eyeball Selling is not memorizing two dozen closing techniques. Nor is it

verballysparringwithacustomertoovercomeobjections.Jimmisaysit’squitesimplykeepinghiseyesopen,watchinghiscustomer’sreactions,andadjustinghissalespitchaccordingtohowhiscustomer’sbodymoves.While Jimmi is giving his sales pitch, he’s concentratingmore on how his

customer fidgets, twitches, and squirms than on what he’s saying. He’sscrutinizinghiscustomer’sinvoluntaryheadmovements.He’sstudyingherhandgestures, her body rotation, her facial expressions – evenher eye fluctuations.Jimmisayswhenhiscustomerisnotsayingaword,evenifshe’stryingtogiveyouapokerface,shecannotnotcommunicate.Shemaynotsayinwordshowreceptive she is to your pitch, but she’s clearly tellingyounonetheless. Jimmisaysknowingwhatturnsaprospecton,whatturnsheroff,andwhatleavesherneutralfrommomenttomomentcanmakeorbreakthesale.

HowJimmifindsoutwherethebuckstops

Theproduct Jimmi sells is expensive lightingequipment.Oftenhemustmakesalespresentationstogroupsoften,twenty,ormorepeople.Hesays,‘ThefirstchallengeinEyeballSellingisdiscoveringwhotherealdecisionmakeris.’

Jimmimeetshischallenge inanunorthodox (notnecessarily recommended)way. Right after ‘Good afternoon, gentlemen and ladies,’ he says somethingslightly confusing. Why? Because the surprised group doesn’t know how toreact. So their heads all twirl likeweather vanes on awindy day to look at –guess who – the honcho, the heavyweight, the head man or woman. NowJimmi’sgothisdecisionmakersohecancontinueEyeballSellingtothatperson.

Whattodowhenyougetyourcue

‘Some signals are obvious,’ Jimmi says. ‘People shrug their shoulders forindifference, tap their fingers for impatience, or loosen their collarwhen theyfeeluncomfortable.ButtherearehundredsofotherunconsciousgesturesIkeepmyantennaetunedfor.‘Forexample, Iwatch theexactangleofmyprospect’sheadposition. If it’s

fully facingme,especially if it’scockedatacute littleangle, itmeans they’reinterested. In that case, I keep right on talking. But if their head is slightlyturningaway,that’sabadsign.Itakeitasacuetochangethesubjectandmaybetalkaboutadifferentbenefitofmyproduct.’Jimminotonlytailorswhathe’ssayingtohiscustomers’reactions,heactively

takessteps tochangehisprospect’sbodyposition ifhefeels it’snot receptive.Hesays,‘Thebodymustbeopenbeforethemindcanfollow.’Forexample,hecontinues,‘Ifyourcustomerhashisarmscrossedinfrontofhischest,handhimsomethingtolookatsohehastounfoldthemtotakeitfromyou.’Jimmialwayscarriesabriefcasefullofpropstobreakdownthebarriers.Hehasphotosofhiswife and kids to hand married prospects, snapshots of his Skye terrier forcustomers that have a dog, an antique watch to show antique lovers, and apocket-sizecomputertoshowgadgetfanatics.Jimmisays,‘AslongasIcangetthemtoopentheirarmstoreachforsomething,Ihaveashotattheirminds.’Jimmi also paces the timing of his pitch to match his customers’ covert

reactions. When his client reaches for an object, he takes it as a cue to talkslower, or just be quiet.Reaching for a paper clip or fondling a folder on thedesksays,‘I’mthinkingaboutit.’Ofcourse,Jimmiisonconstantlookoutforsales-readysignalslikepickingup

thecontract, fondling thepen,or turning theirpalmsup.At thatpoint,hecutsquicklytotheclose.Another cue to bring out the contract-signing pen is when your prospect’s

headstartsbobbingupanddownlikeaplasticduck.They’resilentlyscreaming,

‘Yes, I’ll buy!’Unskilled salespeople just keepon talkinguntil they finish thepitch they learned in training. Many keep talking so long, they unsellthemselves. Conversely,when customersmove their heads back and forth, nomatterwhattheyaresaying,theymean‘No!’

Eyeballingisnotforsellingonly

Withoutaword,yourfriendsandlovedonesalsoshowtheirwishes.WhenmyfriendDeborahbecameengagedtoTony,itseemedobvioustoeveryone–exceptDeborah–thatitwasnotamarriagemadeinheaven.AfewmonthsbeforetheirweddingIsaid,‘Deb,areyoureallysureTony’stheoneforyou?’‘Ohyes,’shesaid,herheadmovingrightandleft,backandforth,‘Ilovehim

verymuch.’Thatmarriagenevertookplace.Herbodyrecognizedwhathermindhadn’tyetrealized.Likeapolitician, thinkofyoursocialconversationsassalespitches.Evenif

you have no product, youwant them to buy your ideas. If your listener turnsawaywhileyou’retalking,don’tconcentrateonhowrudethepersonis.Likeasalespro,askyourself,‘HowcanIchangethesubjecttoturnthispersonon?’Iftheirwhole body starts to turn away, use the time-honoured personal questionploy.Askabouttheirfavouritetopic.‘George,howbigdidyousaythatbassyoucaught last week was?’ Or use his name and ask a personal question. That’salways a grabber. ‘Archibald,what did you say the nameof your high schoolfootballteamwas?’We’ve talkedaboutonlyafewresponses.Hintsforreadingsomeone’sbody

languagecouldfillabook.Infact,theyhave–manyofthem.Isuggestafewofmyfavouritesinthereferences.21-26Readuponbodylanguageandtuneintoitsvisual channel whenever you’re trying to sell to people, get their vote, orconvince themyou’re thebest candidate for the jobor the roleof lifepartner.Wouldn’t it be super to have Jimmi’s success ratewithour listeners acceptingwhateverwesay?Wecanifwejustkeepoureyesopen.

Technique77:

EyeballsellingThe human body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station that transmits‘You thrillme.’ ‘Youboreme.’ ‘I love that aspectofyourproduct.’ ‘Thatoneputsmyfeettosleep.’

Set the hidden cameras behind your eyeballs to pick up on all yourcustomers’ and friends’ signals. Then plan your pitch and your paceaccordingly.

Aquickreview

That’sall thereis toit.You’llremembertoeatbeforecomingtotheparty(theMunching or Mingling technique) to leave your hands free for heavynetworking.When you arrive, you’ll stop in the doorway andRubberneck theRoomtogetthelayoftheland.Whilerubbernecking,you’llBetheChooser,NottheChoosee and pick your prospects for the evening.When standing around,yourhandswillberelaxingintheinvitingComeHitherposition.Youhaven’t forgotten,ofcourse, touse themeeting-people techniquesfrom

previouschapters.Ifyouspotsomeoneyouwanttotalkto,checkthemoutforaWhatzityoucancommenton.Findingnone,justaskthepartygiver,Whoozat?Ifthehostorhostessisnotinsight,simplystandnearyourtargetandresorttotheEavesdropIntechnique.While chattingwith anyoneyou’vepreviouslymet, youwill, of course, use

TrackingtowintheirvoteorheartandallthetechniquesinPartTwotoassuretheconversationisinterestingforyournewacquaintance.Finally,you’llemployEyeballSellingtomakesureyou’reontargetwitheveryconversation.Anddon’tforget, asyousay ‘so long,’ to scribblematerial foryournextcontactonyourBusinessCardDossier.It’s a good feeling when you’ve done it all right. Continue using these

techniquespoliticiansusetoworkaroom,andyou’llsuffernomoreunimportantparties. And, following the advice throughout the book, you’ll never strikeanyoneasanunimportantperson.

NowwemoveontotheadvancedsectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone.Someofthe following techniques may make you scratch your head in confusion. Payspecialattentiontotheonesthatdobecauseitmeanssomewhere,sometime,youmight findyourself scratchingyourheadoversomethingmuchmorepainful–likethebumpfromhittingaglassceiling,orwhythebusinessdeal,friendship,orloveaffairwentsour.Youmightneverknow,unlessyoureadithere, that itwasyourowncommunicationsfumble.

Everyweek,whenIwasakid,mymothertookmetotheNationalGeographicSocietytoseeafilm.Theoneontigersinvadesmynightmaresthesemanyyearslater.Sittingthereinthedarkenedtheatre,Iwatchedamothergivebirthtothreetinycubs.Onewasbornwithamangledleg.Iwitnessedhowalltheothertigercubsexcludedhim.Andright there in frontof thecameras,hewas tortured todeathbytheothers.Iremembercryingandthinkinghowthehealthycubswerelikeafewofthekidsinmyschool.Sometimestheycouldbeverycruel.Mybest friend in high schoolwas namedStella. Stellawas a beautiful girl

inside and out. But she had a speech defect, a cleft palate. Andmany of ourclassmateslaughedatherbehindherbackandexcludedherfromtheirgames.Kids haven’t changed much. When I give talks for colleges and young

people’sgroups, thediscussionoften turns topopularity.Everyonewants tobeliked. Occasionally students tell me stories about how some girl has a minorphysicaldefect,sayacrossedeyeoranervoustwitch.Theysaysomekidslaughand make fun of her. Or a boy has a limp so no one chooses him for theirbaseball team. Even if he can run just as fast as the other kids, some of hisclassmatesdon’tlikeimageof‘acripple’beingontheirside.Theyearsgobyandkidsbecomeadults.Not toomuchchanges.Adultsare

not as cruel, happily, about physical disabilities. But they can be brutal aboutsocial disabilities. Social disabilities are insidious because often we don’t

recognizetheminourselves.Wecanbeblindtooursocialhandicapsanddeaftoourverbaldeficiencies.Butwe’requicktorecognizetheminothers.Howmanytimeshasoneofyourassociatesmadeadumb,insensitivegaffe?

Howoften have youwritten somebodyoff because of some stupidmove?Doyou thinkheknewwhathewasdoing?Ofcoursenot.Hehadno ideahewascrossingalineorsteppingonyourtoes.Probablynooneevertoldhimaboutthesubtletieswe’regoingtodiscussinthisfinalsectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone.We’veallheardabouttheglassceilingsomecompaniesconstructoverwomen

andminorities.Peopleseldomdiscussanotherkindofglassceiling.Thisoneiseven more treacherous because you can’t legislate against it and only TopCommunicatorsrecognizeit.Yetit’sarock-hardshield.Manybrightindividualshit their heads on the thick glass as they try to climb up the next rung of theladdertojointheBigBoysandGirlsontop.Thefolksabletocrashthrougharetheoneswhoabidebytheunspokenrulesthatfollow.Considereachof thefollowingtechniques.Ifyoufindanyof themobvious,

giveyourselfapatontheback.Itmeansyou’realreadyatigeronthatone.Beon the lookout for those communications sensitivitieswhereyou findyourselfsaying,‘Yougottabekidding!What’swrongwiththat?’Watchout!Itmeanssomeday,somewhere,youmightcommit thatparticular

insensitivity. Then, when a Big Winner responds coolly to your suggestion,doesn’t return your phone call, doesn’t give you the promotion, doesn’t inviteyou to the party, doesn’t accept your date, you’ll never knowwhat happened.Readeachofthefollowingtechniquestoassureyou’renotmakinganyofthesesubtlemistakes,thatlettheBigPlayerslacerateyouandkeepyoufromgettingwhatyouwantinlife.

‘Gesundheit!’‘Whoops!’‘Butterfingers!’

OneremarkablereactionopenedmyeyestoyetanotherdifferencebetweenBigWinnersandlittlelosers.SeveralyearsagoIwasdoingaprojectforaclient.Ihad the pleasure of being taken to lunch by the four biggest fish in the firm.Theywanted to familiarizemewith communications problems their companywasexperiencing.Wewent to a busymidtown restaurant at peak lunchtime. Every table was

filledwithavarietyofcorporatecreatures.Upper-andmiddle-managementtypeswere lunching in their suits and ties or high-collar blouses. Workers andsecretariesweremunchingintheirblueshirtsorshortskirts.Therestaurantwasbuzzingwithconversationandconviviality.Overtheentrée,wewereindeepdiscussionaboutthecompany’schallenges.

TheCFO,Mr.Wilson,was talking about the financial outlookwhen suddenly,BLAM!Notsixfeetaway,awaiterdroppedatrayfullofdishes.Glassesbroke,silverwareclatteredagainstthemarblefloor,andahotbakedpotatorolledunderourtableinadirectpathforWilson’sfeet.Practicallyeveryoneintherestaurantturnedtowardthehumiliatedwaiter.We

heardacacophonyof‘Uh-oh,’‘Butterfingers!’‘Whoops,watchit!’‘Boy,that’shislastlunchhere,’andavarietyoftitteringandderisivelaughter.Wilson,however,didn’tmissawordofhismonologue.NotoneBigPlayerat

mytableturnedorblinkedaneye.Itwasasthoughnothinghadhappened.Therestaurantgraduallyquieteddownaroundusaswecontinuedourdeliberations.(Afewminuteslaterthebakedpotatoshotbackoutfromunderourtable.Atthatmoment,IfoundmyselfwonderingwhetherWilsonhadbeenasoccerplayerinhisyouth.)

Over coffee, the director of marketing, Ms Dawson, was discussing thecompany’splannedexpansion.Suddenlyshemadeanexpansivegesturewithherarmsthatknockedoverhercoffeecup.JustasIwasabouttosay,‘Ohdear,’Ibitmy tongue. Before I could grabmy napkin to help,Dawsonwas dabbing themuddypuddlewithhers,andnotmissingasyllableofhersoliloquy.Noneofhercoolcolleaguesatthetableevenseemedtonoticetheoverturnedcup.At that instant, I realized Big Boys and Girls see no bloopers, hear no

bloopers.Theyneversay‘Butterfingers.’Or‘Whoops.’Oreven‘Uh-oh.’Theyignoretheircolleagues’boners.Theysimplydon’tnoticetheircomrades’minorspills, slips, fumblesandblunders.Thus, the techniqueSeeNoBloopers,HearNoBlooperswasborn.

Letmesufferinyoursilence

IhaveonefriendwhoeverytimeIsneezesays,‘Oh,areyoucomingdownwithacold?’EverytimeImissasteponakerb,it’s‘Becareful!’Everytimeheseesmeafteralongday’sworkheasks,‘Areyoutired?’Granted,thisissmallfryinthegreatbouillabaisseofbloopers.Andthepoorguyprobablygenuinelythinkshe’sbeingsensitivetomyneeds.But,darnit,comingdownwithacold,missingthekerb,andlookingtiredarelessthancool.Letmesuffer–inYOURsilence.Ifyou’rehavingdinnerwitha friendandshemakesaboob,beblind toher

overturnedglass.Bedeaftohersneeze,cough,orhiccups.Nomatterhowwell-meaning your ‘gesundheit,’ ‘whoops,’ or knowing smile, nobody likes to beremindedoftheirownhumanfrailty.‘Fine,’ you say, ‘for small slips, but what should one do in extreme

circumstances?’SayaripplingtideofCoca-Colaisfloodingacrossthetableinyourdirectionanditwillbeimpossibletoignorebythetimeitreachesyourlap?If possible, deftly flip your napkin to obstruct the current and keep talking.

Trynottomissasyllableofthesentenceyoustartedbeforetheoncomingtide.At this point, your companion might mutter incoherent apologies. Adroitlyweave a parenthetical ‘It’s nothing’ into your current phrase and continuetalking.OnsuchsmallsandsthecastlesofBigCatcamaraderiearebuilt.

Technique78:

Seenobloopers,hearnobloopers

Cool Communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, andlovedonesthepleasurablemythofbeingabovecommonplacebloopersandembarrassingbiologicalfunctions.Theysimplydon’tnoticetheircomrades’minorspills,slips,fumbles,andfauxpas.Theyobviouslyignoreraspberriesand all other signs of human frailty in their fellowmortals. BigWinnersnevergapeatanother’sgaffes.

Ifpeoplehatetoberemindedofthemomentswhenthey’renotshining,thereisanother event almost as disillusioning. It is when a talker is shining, and thespotlightabruptlypivotstoamoreurgentmatter.Thespeakerisforgottenintheflurry.TopCommunicatorsputtheglowbackinthegloomygabber’seyeswiththe

techniquethatfollows.

‘Now,pleasegetbacktoyourstory’

InancientJapan, ifyousavedsomeone’s life, itwas theirself-imposed task tospendtherestoftheirlifeservingyou.Nowadays,ifyourescuesomeone’sstory,amoleculeofthatancientinstinctstillgushesthroughhisorherveins.Ithappensallthetime.Someoneinagroupistellingastoryand,justbefore

theirbigpoint,BOOM!There’saninterruption.Someonenewjoinsthegroup,acateringpersonwithatrayofcrackersandcheesecomesover,orababystartscrying.Suddenlyeveryone’sattentionturnstothenewarrival,thenibblesonthetray,orthe‘adorable’littletyke.Nobodyisawareoftheinterruption–exceptthespeaker.They forget all about the fact that the speaker hasn’tmadehis or herpoint.Or you’re all sitting around the living room and someone is telling a joke.

Suddenly,justbeforetheirbigpunchline,littleJohnnydropsadishorthephonerings.Afterthecrash,everyonetalksaboutlittleJohnny’sclumsiness.Afterthecall, the subject turns to the impending marriage or medical operation of thecaller. Nobody remembers the great punch line got aborted – except the joketeller. (When it’syou regaling everyone at a restaurant, haveyou ever noticedhowyoucanalmostsetyourclockbythewaitercomingtotakeeveryone’sorderjustbeforeyourhilariouspunchline?)Mostjokeandstorytellersaretootimidtosay,aftertheinvasion,‘Now,asI

was saying…’ Instead, they’ll spend the rest of the evening feelingmiserablethey didn’t get to finish. Here’s where you come in. Rescue them with thetechniqueIcallLendaHelpingTongue.Watch the gratitude in the storyteller’s eyes as he stabilizeswhere his story

sunkandhesailsoffagaintowardthecentreofattention.Hisexpressionandtherecognitionofyoursensitivitybytherestofthegroupareoftenrewardenough.Youareevenmorefortunateifyoucanrescuethestoryofsomeonewhocanhire

you,promoteyou,buyfromyou,orotherwise liftyour life.BigWinnershaveelephantinememories.Whenyoudo them subtle favours likeLend aHelpingTongue,theyfindawaytopayyouback.

Technique79:

LendahelpingtongueWhenever someone’s story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out.Giveeveryonetimetodoteonthelittledarling,givetheirdinnerorder,orpickupthejaggedpiecesofchina.Then,whenthegroupreassembles,simplysaytothepersonwhosuffered

story-interruptus, ‘Now please get back to your story.’ Or better yet,rememberwhere theywere and then ask, ‘Sowhat happened after the…(andfillinthelastfewwords.)’

HarveyMackay, theworld’smost notable networkerwho rose from envelopesalesmantocorporateCEOandoneofAmerica’smostsought-afterbusinessandmotivational speakers, teachesus that theworldgoes aroundon favours.Howrightheis!Thenextthreetechniquesrevealunspokensubtletiesofthiscriticalbalanceofpower.

‘Look,here’swhat’sinitforme–here’swhat’sinitforyou’

Savvy businesspeople know everyone is constantly tuned to the same radiostation – WIIFM. Whenever anyone says anything, the listener’s instinctivereactionisWhat’sinIt forMe?Salesproshaveelevatedthisconstantquerytotheexaltedstatusofacronym,WIIFM.TheypaysuchstrictattentiontotheWIIFM

principle that they don’t open their pitchwith the features of their product orservice.Topprosstartbyhighlightingthebenefitstothebuyer.Exceptfortacticalreasonsduringsensitivenegotiating,BigWinnerslayboth

What’sinItforMe?andWhat’sinItforYou?(WIIFY)rightoutonthetable.Thisissocriticalthat,ifonecamouflagesWIIFMorWIIFY,theconcealerisrelegatedtothestatusoflittleloser.I once invited a casual acquaintance to lunch. I had hoped to consult with

Sam,theheadofamarketingassociation,onmyspeakingbusiness.I toldhimmydesire and jokingly asked if anhour of his valuable timewas available inreturnforlunchatagreatrestaurant.Thatwasmywayofsaying,‘LookSam,Iknowthere’snorealbenefittoyouexceptatastylunchandthedubiouspleasureofmycompany.’(Inotherwords,IwasrevealingWIIFY.)Tomakethemeetingeven more convenient for him, I said, ‘Sam, choose the date and the bestrestaurantinyourneighbourhood.’Thedayofour lunchconsultation lunch rolledaroundand I travelled forty-

fiveminutesacrosstowntohischosenrestaurant.AsIentered,IwassurprisedtoseeanassortmentofpeoplearrangedaroundthelargesttableintheroomwithSamas the smiling centrepiece.Obviously, thiswasnot the setting inwhich Icouldconsultwithhim.Unfortunately,Samhadalreadyspottedmebythecoatcheck.Iwastrapped.

It wasn’t until after-lunch coffee arrived that I realized why Sam hadassembledthegroup.Hewantedeachtodonatepresentationsontheirparticularexpertisetohisorganization.Theslyfoxhadn’trevealedhisownWhat’sinItforMe?HadSambeenastraightshooterandBigPlayer,hewouldhavetoldmeonthe

phone, ‘Leil, I’m getting a group of speakers who might be helpful to myorganization together for a Dutch-treat lunch. I will, of course, try to answeryour questions about your speaking business, but we will be a group of ten.Wouldyou like to joinus,or shallwechooseanotherdatewhenwecanhavemoreprivacy?’IwouldgladlyhavespokenprobonoforSam’sgrouphadhebeenup-front

about it. Instead, by not revealingWIIFM, we both lost. I lost a half day and,becauseofhistrickiness,helostmyfreespeechforhisgroup.

Don’tdenythemthepleasureofhelpingyou

BigWinnersalsolaytheircardsonthetablewhenaskingsomeoneforafavour.Manywell-meaningfolksareembarrassedtosayhowimportantthefavouristothem.Sotheyaskasthoughit’sacasualinquirywhenit’snot.A friend of mine named Stefan once asked me if I knew any bands his

organizationcouldhirefortheirannualevent.Itoldhim‘No,I’msorry.Ireallydon’t.’ButStefandidn’tletitgoatthat.Hepressed,‘Leil,didn’tyouonceworkwithbandsonships?’Itoldhim‘Yes,butInolongerhavecontactwiththem.’Ithoughtthatwasthe

end of it. But Stefan didn’t.He grilledme further and I foundmyself gettingconfused and irritated. Finally I said, ‘Stefan, who’s in charge of getting theband?’Hesheepishlysaid,‘Iam.’‘Criminyjicketts,Stefan,whydidn’tyoutellmeitwasyourresponsibility?In

thatcase,letmedosomeresearchandseeifIcanfindagoodoneforyou.’Iwashappytodomyfriendafavour.ButStefan,bynottellingmehowimportantitwas to him, riskednot gettinghelp.He alsowent downanotchor two in hisfriend’sesteembynotrevealingWIIFM.Whenaskingsomeoneforafavour,letthemknowhowmuchitmeanstoyou.

Youcomeacross as a straight shooter, and the joyofhelpingyouout isoftenrewardenough.Don’tdenythemthatpleasure!

Technique80:

BaretheburiedWIIFM(andWIIFY)Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favour, divulge the respectivebenefits.Revealwhat’sinitforyouandwhat’sinitfortheotherperson–even if it’s zip. If any hidden agenda comes up later, you get labelled aslyfox.

Askingorgrantingfavoursisafabricthatholdstogetheronlywhenwovenwithutmostsensitivity.Letusexploremorewaystostitchthisdelicateclothsoyourrelationshipdoesn’trip.

Letthesunset–andriseagain–beforeyoumakeyourmove

SusanEvans,oneofmyclients,headsupalargerealestatefirm.Once,sittinginherofficediscussinganupcomingproject,hersecretarybuzzed.‘Excuseme,MsEvans,it’syourbrother-in-lawHarryonthephone.’‘Oh,ofcourse,’shesmiled,‘puthimon.’Myclient,makingapologiesforthe

interruption,pickedupthephone.Ilefttheroomforafewmomentstogiveherprivacy.WhenI returned,Susanwas justhangingup,saying, ‘Sure,havehimphone

me.’ She told me the call was from her brother-in-law whose young cousinworkedinagasstationbutwasinterestedinacareerinrealestate.‘TheyoungmanisgoingtocallmeandI’llseeifIcanhelphimout.’Itwasobviousshewashappytodoherbrother-in-lawafavour.Wepickedupourdiscussionwhereweleftoff.Notfourminuteslater,thesecretarybuzzedagain.‘MsEvans,aSonnyLaker

isontheline.Hesayshe’syourbrother-in-lawHarry’scousinandhe’ssupposedtocallyou.’Myclientwastakenaback.Icouldtellfromherexpressionshewassaying to herself, ‘Boy,my overanxious brother-in-law didn’twaste any time,did he?’ It seemed obvious to both of us what had happened. Like greasedlightning,Harrymusthavehot-breathedlycalledCousinSonnytogivehimthebigheadline:EvansWouldSeeHim!Then,bydiallingMsEvansimmediately,Sonnymadeitseemthebig-dealinterviewwasthemostimportanteventinhisotherwisedullanddismallife.True or not, one verity remained – Little Cousin was insensitive to an

unspokenruleBigWinnersalwaysobey:don’tjumpimmediatelywhensomeoneisdoingyouafavour.Allowthepersongrantingthefavourtimetosavourthepleasureofagreeingtoit,beforehavingtopayup.

Bothbrother-in-lawandpotentialemployeeslipped inEvans’sestimate,andall because of timing. To ensure the kid wouldn’t call his real-estate-mogulsister-in-law too quickly, Harry should have waited a day before telling hiscousin the good news. Also, young Sonny should have asked Cousin HarryaboutEvans’sschedule.Sometimesan immediatecall isadvantageous,butnotwhensomeoneisgrantingyouafavour.

Technique81:

Let’emsavourthefavourWhenever a friend agrees to a favour, allowyourgenerousbuddy time torelishthejoyofhisorherbeneficencebeforeyoumakethempaythepiper.Howlong?Atleasttwenty-fourhours.

OnemightthinkEvanswasunfairjudgingSonnyharshlyjustbecausehedidn’tletherSavourtheFavour.Itrunsdeeperthanthat.Evans’ssubconsciousthoughtprocess goes something like this: ‘If this kid is insensitive to the subtleties oftimingwhengettingajob,howsensitiveishegoingtobewhennegotiatingthesaleofahouse?’Oneagent’soveranxiouscalltoanownercanmeanthousandslostincommissionsforthefirm.

Big Winners have supernatural vision into your future. They see everycommunications blunder youmake as a visible blotch on your x-ray. It dimsyourprognosisforbeingsuccessfulinlife.

Let’slookatyetanothertenuousthreadbetweenfavouraskerandfavourgrantorthatmustnotbeseveredlesttherelationshipunravel.

‘Ididitjustbecauseilikeyou’

I once asked a well-connected friend whoworks in a top Los Angeles talentagency if sheknewanycelebrities Icouldcontact foraproject Iwasworkingon.TaniaflippedthoughherRolodexandcameupwithjustthenamesIneeded.Itwasobvioustobothofus,Iowedherbigtime.WhenI thankedherprofuselyon thephone,Taniasaid, ‘OhI’msureyou’ll

findawaytopaymeback.’‘Well,ofcourseIwill,’Isaid.‘Thatgoeswithoutsaying.’Andwellitshould

have gone without saying. She was reminding me the favour wasn’t out offriendship,butbecausesheexpectedsomethinginreturn.Twodayslater,TaniacalledandsaidshewascomingtoNewYorkinafew

months.ShewasjustcheckingnowifIcouldputherupthen.NaturallyIcould,butblatantlycashinginonthereturnfavoursoquicklywasnotasmoothmove.When someone does something nice for you, you find yourself with anelephant’smemory.Infact,youconsciouslylookforwaystoreturnthefavour.HadTaniacalled,evenyearslater,ofcourseIwouldhaveremembered‘Iowedherone.’Frankly, Iwasglad it cameup soquickly so I could even the score.Nevertheless, I do wish the whole barter aspect had been left unspoken. Ittarnished what should have been a generous sharing on both sides. Tarnishalwayswearsoffonthetarnisher.Whenyoudosomeoneafavourandtheyobviously‘oweyouone,’waitafew

weeks.Don’tmakeitlookliketitfortat.Allowthefavouraskerthepleasurablemyth thatyou joyfullydid thefavourwithno thoughtofwhatyou’regoing togetinreturn.Theyknowthat’snottrue.Youknowthat’snottrue.Butonlylittlelosersmakeitobvious.

Technique82:

Titfor(wait…wait)tatWhenpeople do you favours and it’s obvious ‘they oweyou one,’wait asuitableamountoftimebeforeaskingthemto‘pay.’Letthemenjoythefact(orfiction)thatyoudiditoutoffriendship.Don’tcallinyourtitfortheirtattooswiftly.

Thenext threetechniquesalsoinvolvetiming,notoffavours,butof importantdiscussions.

Thefirstofthreesafehavens

Whenpolicewerehotonthetailofathiefinancienttimes,he’dfranticallyseekachurchtoduckinto.Thecrookknewifhecouldgettoanaltar,thefrustratedpossecouldnotarresthimuntilhecameout.When a pack of wolves in the jungle is in hot pursuit of a jackrabbit, the

frightenedbunny’seyes seekahollow log.Heknows thewolvescan’tdevourhimuntilheemerges.Likewise in thehuman jungle,BigCats have certain safehavens.Although

unspoken,theyareassecureasthetenth-centuryaltaroraholeinthelog.Thereareclearlyunderstoodtimesandplaceswhereeventhetoughesttigerknowshemustnotattack.Ihaveafriend,Kirstin,thepresidentofanadvertisingagencywhoeachyear

invitesmetohercompany’sChristmasparty.Oneyear,theholidayspiritwasinextra-highswing.Convivialitywashighandchampagneflowedfreely.Itwasaterrificbash.The evening wore on, more bubbly flowed, and the decibel level of the

holidayrevellerswentupandup.Sohigh,infact,thatKirstintoldmeshewasgoingtotiptoeoutthebackdoorandofferedtodropmeoffatmyplace.Asweweremakingourwaytowardtheexit,weheardawoozyvoiceinthe

crowd, ‘OhKirrr-stin,Kirrr-stin!’Amail-roomworker,warpedwith toomuchseasonal spirit,wobbled up to her boss and said, ‘Youknow, thish ish a greatparty,agrr-reatparty.ButIbeendoin’somefiguring.Ifhalfwhatitcostwentintoachild-carefacilityfortheseven,count’em,sevenmotherswithpre-schoolchildrenwhoworkhere…’Kirstin, aTopCommunicator, took Jane’s hands in hers and gave her a big

smile. She said, ‘Jane, you’re obviously excellent atmaths. You’re right, just

abouthalfofwhat thisparty costwould indeedpay for theopeningof suchafacility. Let’s talk about it during business hours.’ We then made a swiftdeparture.Onthewaybacktomyplace,sheletoutabigbreathandsaid,‘Whew,I’m

gladthat’sover.’‘Didn’tyouenjoytheparty,Kirstin?’Iasked.‘Well, sure,’ she said, ‘But you never know what’s going to happen. For

instance,’shesaid,‘thatremarkJanemade.’Shewentontoexplainmanagementhad already had several meetings about opening a child-care facility foremployees. In fact, plans for turning an unused storage area into a beautifulnursery were already in the works. Naively, I asked Kirstin why she hadn’tmentionedthattoJane.‘Itwasn’ttherighttimeorplace.’Kirstinhadhandledthesituationattheparty

theway anyBigWinnerwould – no spoken confrontation now (but probablesilentcondemnationlater).Jane,unfortunately,hadbrokenthefirstunspokensafe-havenrule,PartiesAre

for Pratter. Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she punish her inappropriatebehaviour? Not then, of course. Nevertheless, Jane would probably feel therepercussionsafewmonthsdownthepikewhenitcametopromotiontime.ButbythenpoorJanewouldn’tevenknowwhyshewaspassedover.Will it bebecauseof aone-timeover-imbibing? Janemightgrumble, ‘Yes.’

Janeiswrong.It’ssimplythatBigPlayerscan’ttakethechancethatoneoftheirkey people will feel too much holiday spirit at another party, and next timeconfrontanimportantclient.

Technique83:

PartiesareforpratterThere are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle where even thetoughesttigerknowshemustnotattack.Thefirstoftheseisparties.Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not for confrontations.

BigPlayers, evenwhen standingnext to their enemies at thebuffet table,smileandnod.Theyleavetoughtalkfortoughersettings.

Let’smove to the second safe havenwhereBigCats can escape the claws ofBiggerCatsand,theyhope,thegrowlsoflesserones.

Toughnegotiatingcankillyourappetite

Did you ever wonder why business lunches between Big Bosses go oninterminablylong,sometimeswellintotheafternoon?Didyoueversuspectit’sjust because they like to sit, drink, and massage each other on the companyexpense account? Perhaps there’s an element of that. But the main reason isbecause the dining table is an evenmore sacred safe haven than a party. BigBoys and Girls realize, whether it’s a business dinner, lunch, or breakfast,breakingbreadtogetherisatimewhentheymustdiscussnounpleasantaspectsofthebusiness.Let’slisteninonanaveragebusinesslunchbetweenBigPlayers.Wehearthe

clanking of glasses as they consume drinks over convivial conversation.Theyarediscussinggolf,theweather,andmakinggeneralobservationsaboutthestateof the business.During themain course, the discourse turns to food, the arts,currentaffairs,andothernonthreateningsubjects.‘Wastedtime?’onemightask.Notatall!TheBigPlayersarewatchingeach

other’s moves very carefully, calculating each other’s skills, knowledge,prowess. Like NFL scouts observing college football practice, they’redetermining who’s got the right stuff. Big Players know how people handlethemselves at a social occasion is an accurate barometer of their big-businessmuscle. As they are smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes, they are allmakingsilentcriticaljudgments.Finally, coffee arrives. At this point one or more of the biggies gently

broaches the business at hand. Naturally, he or she does it with supposedreluctance,tryingtorepresstheobviousreliefthatat last theycangetdowntosignificantstuff.Heexudes,‘Whatashamesuchgenialcompanyshouldhavetoconcernitselfwithmundanematterslikemakingmoney.’

Onlyaftertheyhaveplayedoutthiscrucialcharadecantheydiscussbusiness.Butnodirtybusiness.TheBiggiescanbrainstormovercoffee.Theycandiscussproposalsoverdessert.Theycantossaroundnewideasovercordials.Theycanexplorethepositivesideofthemerger,theacquisition,orthepartnershipwhilewaitingforthecheque.However,shouldanydisagreement,misunderstanding,orcontroversialaspect

arise,theymustimmediatelyrelegateittoanothertable,theconferencetable.

Technique84:

Dinner’sfordiningThemostguardedsafehavenrespectedbyBigWinnersisthediningtable.Breakingbreadtogetherisatimewhentheybringupnounpleasantmatters.Whileeating,theyknowit’sOKtobrainstormanddiscussthepositivesideof the business: their dreams, their desires, their designs. They can freeassociateandcomeupwithnewideas.Butnotoughbusiness.Thisconventionprobablyaroseoutofaprudentagreementnottoinflict

indigestiononeachother.Toughnegotiatingisunpalatableandcanruinanotherwiseperfectlymouthwateringvealchop.

Incidentally, the same rule applies in the social jungle. If one partner in afriendshipora loverelationshiphassomeheavyrelationship issues todiscuss,save them for after dessert.Even if youdon’t solve the problem, youwant toenjoythedeliciouschocolatesoufflé.

Let’scrawlintoourthirdandfinalsafehaventoexploreit.

‘Ahha,I’vegotyounow!’

William,whosellswidgets,hasbeentryingtogetBigWinneronthephoneforweekstoseeifB.W.’scompanywillbuyhislineofwidgets.BigWinnerisstillconsideringWillie’swidgetsandplanseventuallytoreturnhiscall.However,atthispointinourstory,ourlittlehero’sphonehasnotrung.It just so happens, one evening Willie finds himself standing behind Big

Winnerinthesupermarketline.‘Whatgoodfortune!’thinksWillie.‘Ohhell!’thinksBigWinner.‘Ihopehe’snotgoingtohitmewithtalkofhis

widgetsatthishour.’Thosewhoappreciatesafehavensknowtherearetwoverydifferentendings

tothisstory.TheWilliewhobringsupwidgetswithan‘Aha,I’vegotyounow’gleam in his eye, never gets his call returned. Even if BigWinner preferredWillie’s widgets above all others, he would find the supermarket entrapmentsufficientlypainfultopunishthelittleloser.However,theWilliewhojustsays‘Hellothere,B.W.Howgoodtoseeyou,’

withnaryawordofwidgets,showshe’saBigPlayer,too.ThisWilliewillmostcertainly get his call returned – probably the next day – out of BigWinner’sreliefandgratitudeforWillie’sgraciousness.

Technique85:

ChanceencountersareforchitchatIf you’re selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication withsomeone,doNOTcapitalizeonachancemeeting.Keepthemelodyofyour

mistakenmeetingsweetand light.Otherwise, itcould turn intoyourswansongwithBigPlayer.

ConsistentlycreatesafehavensforpeopleifyouwantthemtoelevateyoutothestatusofBigWinner.Youmayfindyourselfdiningwiththem,goingtopartieswith them, getting big hellos in the hall, and closing deals much faster thanduringbusinesshours.Whoknows?Ifit’syourdesire,youevenmakeyourselfeligibleforsomeheavysocializingatthetop.BigWinnersmakeitsafeforeachother to accept invitations to play golf, spend the weekend in their countryhomes, or relax by each other’s pools. They know there will be no sharksswimminginthewater,norazorbladesburiedintheshrimpcocktail.

‘Tellmeaboutyourcrackedskulllater.What’syourinsurancenumber?’

Oncenight,severalyearsagoonaNewYorkCitystreet,Icaughtamantryingto break into a car. I shouted for him to stop. Instead of being content withescaping, theburlywould-beburglardecidedtoretaliate.Asheracedpastme,heshovedmedownontothecementandIcrackedmyskullagainstthekerb.Dizzily,Iwobbledintotheemergencyroomofanearbyhospital.Holdingan

icepackagainstmythrobbinghead,Iwasgrilledbytheemergencyroomtriagenurseonmyaddress, telephone,andsocialsecuritynumbers, insurancecarrier,policynumber,adnauseam.Don’t bothermewith thatminutia! All I wanted to do was tell somebody,

anybody,whathappenedtome.Itwasn’tuntiltheveryendofherruthlessandsadisticinterrogationthatsheasked,‘Sowhathappened?’I later toldmysadstorytoafriend,Sue,anursewhoworksinadmittingin

anotheremergencyroom.Shesaid,‘Iknow.Ican’tbelievetheyprinttheformsthatway. Injuredpeopledon’tget to tellwhathappened to themuntil the lastlineoftheform.SuesaidgettingcrucialnumericaldetailsfrompeoplesufferingintheA&Ewithbrokenbonesandburnswasarealchallenge.Until,shesaid,she switched her questioning around. She’d first ask them what happened.They’dtellherallaboutit.She’dlistensympathetically.‘Then,’shesaid,‘theywereonlytoohappytogivemetheinformationIneeded.’Goodbossesunderstandthishumanneedtotalk.Robert,acolleagueofmine

who owns a small manufacturing firm, says whenever one of his employeescomplainsaboutaproblem,heneverholdsthegriper’sfeettothefireforfactsfirst. He hears the employee out completely. He lets him carry on about thecantankerouscustomer,theuncooperativeco-worker.‘Then,afterhe’sgottenitoffhischest,’Robertsays,‘Igetthefactsalotmoreclearly.’

Whenyouhaveimportantinformationtoimpart

Anykidworkinginagarageknowsyoucan’tpumpmoregas intoafull tank.Too much topping it off, and it splashes onto the cement. Likewise, yourlistener’s brain is always full of his or her own thoughts, worries andenthusiasms.Ifyoupumpyourideasintoyourlistener’sbrain,whichisfullofher own notions, you’ll get a pollutedmixture, then a spill. If youwant yoursupersupremeideastoflowintohertankunpolluted,drainhertankcompletelyfirst.Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let the speaker

finishcompletelybeforeyoujumpin.Counttotenifyoumust.Itwillseemlikeaneternity,butlettingtheflusteredfellowfinishistheonlywayhe’llhearyouwhenit’syourturn.

Technique86:

EmptytheirtanksIfyouneedinformation,letpeoplehavetheirentiresayfirst.Waitpatientlyuntiltheirneedleisonemptyandthelastdropdripsoutandsplashesonthecement.It’stheonlywaytobesuretheirtankisemptyenoughoftheirowninnernoisetostartreceivingyourideas.

‘I’mgoingtomakeyoumiserablebeforeyoucanenjoybeingmycustomer’

Companiesthatrunmail-orderoperationscouldtakeahintfromthistechnique.OnereasonIenjoyorderingfromL.L.Bean,amail-orderclothingandsports-equipment outfit, is they letme ask questions about thewearable orwidget Iwant first. They let me ramble on with my questions about the quality, theavailablecolours,how it looks,how it feels,how it smells, andhow itworks.Then, when I’m all whacked up about receiving my four size-ten, red-and-chartreuse,soft,odourlesswidgets,theytastefullyaskmycreditcardnumber.Othercompanieshavefirstgrilledmeonthenumber,theexpirationdate,my

customernumber(whichIcanneverfindonthebackofthecatalogue),andhowoftenI’veorderedfromtheminthepastbeforeIevengettofantasizeaboutthewonderfulwidget Imightwant tobuy from them.Takesall the joyoutof thepurchaseandsometimeskillsthesale.

Top Communicators do more than just let you babble on. They use the nexttechniquewhileyou’reintheprocessofdribblingdown.

Hearthefacts,butsmeartheEMO

EMO is a word invented by Helen Gurley Brown, the grand dame ofCosmopolitan magazine. EMO translated is ‘Give more emotion!’ OnceCosmopolitanaskedmetowriteanarticleoncommunicatingsensitivematters(mostspecificallyadvisingyoungwomenonhowtomaketheirboyfriendsmorepassionate). I interviewedanumberofpsychologists, communicationsexperts,and sexologists.Mydraft cameback fromCosmo allmarkedupwith ‘MOREEMO’scribbledoneverypage.Icalledmyeditorandaskedwhatitmeant.ShesaidthatwasHelen’swayof

saying downplay all that factual stuff with the sex therapists and so-calledexperts.Write about the emotion the youngwoman feels when her boyfriendisn’t passionate enough, the emotion the accusedmale feelswhen confronted,andtheemotionthecouplefeelsaboutdiscussingtheirquandary.HelenGurleyBrown,acertifiedBigWinner,likedtohaveitallandknewjusthowtogetit.Helenrecognized,whenthetimeisright,rejecttherationalandempathizewiththeemotions.Inotherwords,smearontheEMO.

‘Oh,no!Hemusthavebeenmortified!’

L.L.BeanrecentlysmearedEMOalloverme.Severalmonthsago,myfriendPhilwanted to buy some trousers and asked for a recommendation. I draggedhim tomy closet to show him the quality and construction of the L. L.Beanclothes.Thatconvincedhim,andPhilorderedapairofnavy-bluedresstrousers.PhilworehisbrandnewL.L.Bean trousers for the first timeonabigdate

withanewgirlfriendatanelegantrestaurant.Whilefollowingthemaitred’ tothe cosy corner booth which he’d requested, his date happened to drop her

evening bag. Phil promptly bent over to pick it up. Riiiiiiip! Right down themiddleseam.Most of the diners facing Phil’s derriere mercifully looked away. A few

tittered.Phil,tuggingthetornseamstogethertoblankethisbuns,backedhiswayinto the booth. The cool upholstery on his bottom the rest of the eveningremindedhimofhishumiliation.WhenIheardofPhil’stribulations,IwasfuriousatL.L.Bean.Iimmediately

called one of their customer service agents. She sympathized as I told her ofPhil’sordeal,butIwasstillsimmering.Shepatientlylistenedandevenaskedmedetails of the disaster.When I finished the long sad story, the agent said, ‘Ohthat’sterrible.Iunderstand,yourfriendmusthavefeltawful.’‘Yes,hedid,’Iagreed.‘Hemusthavebeenmortified!’shesaid.‘Hedefinitelywas,’Isaid,surprisedatherexcellentgraspofthesituation.‘Andyou,whenyouheardaboutit.Youmusthavefeltterrible,too,especially

afteryou’drecommendedourproductssohighly.’‘Well,yourproductsusuallyareexcellent,’Isaid,calmingdownabit.‘I’msosorrywecausedyouthispainandaggravation,’shesaid.‘Oh,’ I interrupted. ‘It’snotyour fault.’NowIwascompletelyappeased. ‘It

musthavejustbeenaflukethatthisonepairoftrouserswas…’

Technique87:

EchotheEMOFacts speak.Emotions shout.Wheneveryouneed facts frompeopleaboutanemotionalsituation, let thememote.Hear their factsbutempathize likemadwith their emotions. Smearing on theEMO is often the onlyway tocalmtheiremotionalstorm.

There’smoretothisstory,butletmepauseheretointerjecttheEchotheEMOtechnique.TheclevercustomerservicerepnotonlyEmptiedMyTanksandsoftenedme

upwithEchotheEMO.Shecompletelydissolvedmewiththenexttechnique.

Make’emhappyyoumessedup

Thenextday,UPSdeliverednotonlythereplacementslacks,buttuckedintothepackagewas a handwritten apology and a hefty gift certificate.Would I orderfromthatcompanyagain?YoubetIwould.WouldIrecommendtheirclothestosomeoneelse?Youbet Iwould.Topcustomerservicefolkswelcomemistakesbecausetheyknowitgivestheirfirmachancetoshine.Wheneveryoumessupandsomeonesuffersbecauseofit,makesuretheycomeoutahead,wayahead.IcallthetechniqueMyGoof,YourGain.Visitinganimportantclient’soffice,Ioncetrippedonarugandtookanose

dive,makinga three-point landing inavaseonherdesk.Mynosewassparedbut her vase shattered into smithereens. Two tubes of crazy glue and lots of‘Wheretheheckdoesthispiecego’later,thevasewasbackonherdesk,andweagreed it looked pretty good. Nevertheless, the next day I had a messengerdeliver a beautiful vase, ten times the value of the almost-totalled one,with adozenrosesinit.Wheneverwespeak,myclienttellsmeeverytimeshelooksatthenewvase,

shesmiles.(Abetter‘incentivegift’thanapenwithyournameonit,no?)Thenext time I visit her office, my client may hide some of her more valuablebreakables.But,thankstoMyGoof,YourGain,therewillbeanexttime.

Technique88:

Mygoof,yourgainWhenever you make a mistake, make sure your victim benefits. It’s notenough to correct your error. Ask yourself, ‘What could I do for thissufferingsoulsoheorshewillbedelighted Imade the flub?’Thendo it,fast!Inthatway,yourgoofwillbecomeyourgain.

Now, suppose it’snotyourbooboo. It’s theirs.Howcanyoumake their goofyourgain?Readon.

Agenteelwaytosay,‘freeze,punk,whileIfriskyou’

InJapan,somecitizensprefer to lose their lives than to loseface. InAmerica,thesamedeathwishexists,withonemodification.TheYankdreamsofthedeathofthemortalwhomadehimloseface.Whymakeenemies?Unless it isyourobligation tocatchcheatersorentrap

liars,letthemgetawaywithit.Thenimmediatelygetthemoutofyourlifeandthe lives you’re responsible for. Evenwhen the case is open and shut againstsomeone–whenyou’vegottheratfinktrapped–leavehimanescapehatch.ThebestexampleIheardofthishighsensitivitywasfromoneofmyclients.

Shewas invited tobrunch at thehomeof awealthy socialite knownas ‘LadyStephanie.’LadyStephanie’shomewasfilledwithbeautifulobjetsd’art.Nottheleast among them was an exquisite collection of extremely valuable Fabergéeggs,whichalltheguestsadmired.At the end of the elegant champagne brunch, my client told me she was

walking out the door chatting with several other guests. Just then, LadyStephaniesidledup toonewoman leavingat thesame timeasmyclient. ‘Oh,I’msohappyyouwereadmiringmyFabergécollection,’LadyStephaniesaid,slidingherhandintothepocketoftheguest’sminkcoatandpluckingoutoneofherpricelesseggs.‘Youmusthavewantedtoseethisoneinthesunlight.Come,letuslookatittogether.Itdoesreflectthebrightlightbeautifully.’The mink-clad thief gulped and furtively looked around to see who had

witnessedhergentleentrapment.Myclientandeveryoneinthefoyersawwhathappened,buttookLadyStephanie’sleadandpretendednaïvetéoftheattemptedheist.Carrying the charade a step further, Lady Stephanie and the sticky-fingered

guest‘admiredtheegginthesunlight’.ThenLadyStephanie,withherFabergéegg secured safelybetweenher perfectlymanicured fingers,marchedhome to

putthetreasureinitsrightfulplace.Theattemptedeggsnatchercrawledbacktohercar,fromherlastattendanceatLadyStephanie’scovetedbashes.Thehostessletthefoiledfilchergetawaywithafewsliveredshredsofheregoleftintact.Why did Lady Stephanie come out ahead? Everyone who witnessed – and

subsequentlyheardabout–thethwartedburglaryhasrenewedrespectforLadyStephanie.Snaringthethief,yetsparingherpride,helpedLadyStephaniekeepherreputationof‘hostesswiththemostest’.WhydoBigWinnersletbad-newspeoplegetawaywithbummers?Because,

likemothersconfrontingnaughtychildrentocorrectthem,confrontingcreepsisawayofsaying‘Icare.’Byclosingyourmouth(andthenthedoorforever),youaresaying, ‘YouaresobeneathmeI’mnotgoing toevenwastemywordsonyou.’

‘Meaculpa!’

BigWinnersleaveanescapehatchforthesmallfoiblesoffriendstheywishtokeep by taking the blame themselves. If a friend gets lost and is an hour latearrivingatyourhouse, tellher ‘Thosedirections Igaveyouwere terrible.’Hebreaks your Limoges bowl? ‘Oh I shouldn’t have left it in such a precariousposition.’It’stheoldmeaculparoutinethatendearsyoutoeveryone,especiallywhentheyrealizeitwasn’tyourfault.

Technique89:

LeaveanescapehatchWhenever you catch someone lying, filching, exaggerating, distorting, ordeceiving, don’t confront the dirty duck directly. Unless it is yourresponsibilitytocatchorcorrecttheculprit–orunlessyouaresavingotherinnocentvictimsbydoingso–letthetransgressoroutofyourtrapwithhistrickypussinonepiece.Thenresolvenevertogazeuponitagain.

Residents of Toronto, Canada, have a well-earned reputation for grace. Theydemonstrated it last year in a downtown Toronto drug-store. A shopperattemptedtostrolloutthroughthesecuritysystemwithapurloinedobjectinhispocket. Insteadof a shrill alarm shattering all shoppers’ eardrums, as inmanyAmericancities,atastefullittlechimesounded.Acharmingvoicecameacrossthepublicaddress.‘Excuseus,wehavefailedtoinactivatetheinventorycontrol

system. Thank you for your patience while you wait for a customer carerepresentativetocomehelpyou.’Isn’tthatanicerwayofsaying‘Freeze,punk,whilewecomefriskyou?’

Nowlet’smoveontothenexttechniquetokeeppeoplefrommessingup–andtohelpthemgiveyoutheirverybest.

‘You’regreat!What’syourboss’sname?’

Acomplimentaryletteriscalledabuttercupbecauseitbuttersuptherecipient.Buttercupsarenice.Evennicerarebuttercupsaboutsomeonetotheirboss.I once needed a massive photocopying job. It was so immense that the

assistantmanagerofStaplesoffice-supplystoredidn’tthinkitcouldbefinishedbytheendoftheweek.Nevertheless,grudgingly,hegrumbled,‘I’lltry.’Inmyenthusiasmandhopehecould,Igushed,‘Wow,you’regreat!What’syourboss’sname?Yoursupervisorshouldgetaletterofcongratulationsonhiringyou.Youreally try harder for your customers.’ To my astonishment, not only was myprintingjobdonetwodaysearly,buteverytimeIwalkintoStaples,theassistantmanagerrollsouttheredcarpet.‘Hmm,’ Ibegan to think. ‘Imaybeon to something.’Apremature letterof

commendationforfavoursnotyetreceivedcouldbeaclevertactic.IdecidedtocheckitoutwithafewHeavyHittersonmyconsultationlist.One fellow I know, Tim, a top travel agent, is a real can-do guy. He gets

anythinghis friendsask for ina finger snap.He’s the fellow tocallwhenyouwanthard-to-gettheatretickets.He’stheguyyoucallwhenyourairlinesaysthehotelisbookedortheflightisoversold.WhenItoldhimofmybuttercupexperience,Timlaughedandsaid,‘Leil,of

course.Thisisnewstoyou?Acomplimentarylettertosomeone’sboss–orthepromiseofone–isagreatinsurancepolicy.It’sasgoodasawrittenriderthatyouwillbewelltakencareofinthefuture.’NowIhaveastandardoneinmycomputer.Thebuttercupreadsasfollows:

Dear(nameofsupervisor),Iknowhowimportantcustomerserviceistoanorganizationsuchas

yours. This letter is to commend (name of employee). He/She is an

exampleofan(employeetitle)whogivesexceptionalcustomerservice.(Name of store or business) continues to havemy business thanks ingreatparttotheservicegivenby(nameofemployee).Gratefully,(signature)

I’ve sent this letter to supervisors of parking lots, owners of insurancecompanies,andtomanagersofdozensofstoreswhereIshopregularly.I’msurethat’swhyIneverneed toworryaboutgettingaparkingplacewhen the lot isfull,animmediatecallbackfrommyinsuranceagent,andattentiveserviceatmyregularshoppinghaunts.Butbecareful!Don’tjustask,‘What’sthenameofyoursupervisor?’Hearing

thosewordscanmakeanemployeeasnervousasaturkeyinNovember.Besuretocouchitinacompliment.Saysomethinglike,‘Wow,youareterrific.What’syour supervisor’s name? I’d like to write him or her a letter.’ Then write it!You’llforeverbeaVIPintheirbook.

ThenexttechniquetellsyouhowtostandoutasaVIPwhenyou’reinagroup.

Technique90:

ButtercupsfortheirbossDoyouhaveastoreclerk,accountant, lawfirmjuniorpartner, tailor,automechanic,maitred’,massagetherapist,kid’steacher–oranyotherworkeryouwant special attention from in the future? The surefire way tomakethem care enough to give you their very best is send aButtercup to theirboss.

Howtotellaleaderfromafollower

During theMcCarthy era in theUS, government spies infiltrated undergroundpolitical rallies to determine who was ‘dangerous to national security’. Theagentsweretrainedapplausewatchers.Theyphotographedandinvestigatedmenwhoclappedfirst,shouted‘Bravo’theloudest,andsmiledthelongestattheendof politically inflammatory speeches. The spies dubbed those the ‘dangerousones.’ The infiltrators felt first responders were Confident Cats who had thepowertopersuadefollowersandthecharismatoleadcrowds.Inlesspoliticallysensitivegatherings,thesameprincipleapplies.Peoplewho

respondfirsttoapresentationorhappening,withoutlookingaroundtoseehoweveryoneelseisreacting,aremenandwomenofleadershipcalibre.

Coolcatsclapfirst

Youaresittinginanauditoriumwithhundredsoffellowemployeeslisteningtothe president of your firm introduce a new concept. As you’re slouchinganonymouslyintheaudience,youthinkyourexpressionisinvisibletothemanorwomanatthepodium.Notso!Asaspeaker,Iguaranteeyoueveryoneofmycolleagues sees every smile, every frown, every light in every eye, and everyemblemofextraordinaryhumanintelligenceflashingbackathimorher.Likewise,thecompanypresidentmakingapresentationanxiouslysurveyshis

corporate jungle and, from the pusses peering back at him, senses whichemployeesaresympatheticandwhicharenot.HealsoknowswhichintheseaoffacesfloatinginfrontofhimhasthepotentialtobeaHeavyHitterlikehimself.How?BecauseHeavyHitters,evenwhentheydonotagreewiththespeaker,support

thepodiumpontificator.Why?Becausetheyknowwhatit’sliketobeon.They

know,nomatterhowbigorlittlethecatatthefrontoftheroomis,whengivingaspeechhe’sconcernedaboutthecrowd’sacceptance.WhenthecompanyBigShotdelivershislastline,carefullycontrivedtobring

thecrowdtoitsfeetoremployeestoacquiescence,doyouthinkhe’sunawareofwhostartsthetrickle,ortheriptide,ofacceptance?Noway!Thoughhisheadisdownwhiletakingabow,withtheinsightofaMcCarthy-eraspy,heperceivespreciselywho inauguratedtheapplause,preciselyhowlongafter thelastwordswere uttered, and precisely how enthusiastically! Being the first to put yourhandstogether,beingthefirsttojumptoyourfeet,and,ifappropriate,beingthefirsttoshout‘Bravo,’getsyouBigCatstatuswiththetigerwhowastalking.Bethefirstclappernomatterhowsmall thecrowd,nomatterhowinformal

thetalk.Don’twaittoseehoweveryoneelseisgoingtorespond.Evenifit’sasmall groupof three or four people standing around, be the first to empathizewiththespeaker’sideas,thefirsttomutter‘goodidea’.It’sproofpositiveyou’reapersonwhotrustshisorherowninstincts.

Technique91:

LeadthelistenersNomatterhowprominenttheBigCatbehindthepodiumis,crouchedinsideisalittlescaredycatwhoisanxiousaboutthecrowd’sacceptance.BigWinners recognize you’re a fellowBigWinnerwhen they see you

leading their listeners in a positive reaction. Be the first to applaud orpublicly commend the man or woman you agree with (or wantfavoursfrom).

Bottomdogbowslower,barkssofter

Anyminute,anysecond,footballfansknowthescore.Evenbeer-guzzlingBigGeorge,dozinginfrontoftheTVsetonfootballSundayknows.Pokehispudgypot,andinawink,he’lltellyouwho’swinning,who’slosing,andbypreciselyhowmanypoints.KeyPlayersinthegameoflifearelikeGeorge.Evenwhenyouthinkthey’re

dozing,theyareconstantlyawareofthescorebetweenthemselvesandeveryonein their life–friendsandfamily included!Theyknowwhoiswinning,whoislosing,andbyhowmanypoints.When two Japanese businessmen meet, it’s obvious who is on top. You

measure it inmillimetres from how close to the floor their noses comewhenbowing.(Bottomman’snosediveslower.)InAmerica,wedon’thavecarefullychoreographedbowsshowing thescore

inarelationship.ButBoys’n’GirlsinthebusinessBigLeagueknowwhoisTopDogandwhoisbottomdogtoday.(Itcanchangetomorrow.)Bottomdogmustcurtsydeeper.Heorshemustshowdeference.Bottomdog

must offer to meet at Top Dog’s office, pick up the restaurant tab whenappropriate,andberespectfulofTopDog’stime.Ifbottomdogfailstoshowtheproper deference, he doesn’t get his nose rubbed into the ground. He simplydisqualifieshimselftobarkintheBigLeague.That’swhathappenedtomygirlfriendLaura,whohaddevelopedthehealthy

milkshake.(RememberherfromInstantReplay?)Whenwelast leftLaura,shewasblowingherchanceswithFred,theTopBananaofasupermarketchain,bygrillinghimfordetailsofhismailingaddress,complainingherpenwasoutof

ink,makinghimwaitwhile shegotanother,writingnumbersdownwrong,adnauseam.I didn’t tell you the worst part. After Fred was generous enough to invite

Laura to sendhimsamplesofherhealth shake, shedroppedanotherbombbyasking himwhich shipping service she should use.Hemust have said FedExbecauseIheardLaurasay,‘Well,mymilkshakeneedstostayrefrigerated.DoesFedExhaverefrigeratedtrucks?’AtthispointIknewshehadstrangledthedealbyherownphonechord.She

shouldn’t nudge Supermarket Czarwith dinky shipping details. In fact, Laurashould be so grateful, she should personally deliver the drink the next day –rolling it all theway to his supermarketwith her nose if need be. Laurawasobviouslynotawareof theGreatScorecard in theSky.Thatday the tallywas‘Fredeverything,Lauranothing.’BigWinners – before putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, mouth to

phone,orhandtosomeoneelse’stoshakeit–doaquickcalculation.Theyaskthemselves‘Whohasthemosttobenefitfromthisrelationship?Whathaseachofusdonerecentlythatdemandsdeferencefromtheother?’AndwhatcanIdotoeventhescore?

Friendskeeptabstoo

TheGreat Scorecard in the Sky is not just bobbing over business-people. Iffamilymembersandfriendslookcarefullyovertheirlovedones’heads,they’llspotit.And,likeanover-the-counterstock,itgoesupordowneveryday.Whenyoumessup,youhavetoevenyourscorebydoingmorefortheonewhodidn’t.Tokeeplovealive,keepyoureyeontheGreatScorecardintheSky.Severalmonths ago, Imet a nice chap namedCharles at a convention.We

starteddiscussingour favourite foods.Hiswashomemade linguinewithpestosauce. I liked Charles and I make a mean pesto sauce. The remarkablecoincidenceofthesetwoelementsemboldenedmetoinvitehimtodinneratmyplace.‘Great,’hesaid.Wesetitforseven-thirtythefollowingTuesday.Tuesdayafternoon,Ibeginpreparationsforthebigdate.Thecuckooclockon

thewallmonitoredmyprogress.Atfivecuckoos,Iruntothestoretofindpinenuts. By six cuckoos, I’m back home grinding basil and garlic. At sevencuckoos, I’m folding napkins, setting the table, pulling out fresh candles.Whoops,runninglate.Ichangeclothesandsprucemyselfup.Whenseven-thirtystrikes,Iamallready.ThepestoandIawaithisarrival.

Eighto’clockrollsaroundandnofriend.Well,Ifigure,I’llopenthewineandletitbreathe.AnotherhourpassesandnoCharles.Thecuckoocallsme‘cuckoo’ninetimesnow.Ibegintobelievethebird.ItisevidentCharlesisn’tcoming.Ihavebeenstoodup.The next dayCharles calledwith halfhearted apologies and a semiplausible

excuse. His car broke down. ‘Gee, I’m sorry,’ I said. (Iwanted to say, ‘DidMartianscaptureyou?Wereyoutransportedtoanotherplanetwheretherewerenophonestocallme?’Iresistedthesarcasm.)However,hedidsoundcontritesoIwasalmostwillingtoforgetit.Untilhisnextquestion.Heobviouslywasn’tawareofhowhe’dslippedintheGreatScorecardinthe

Sky because, instead of inviting me for linguine with pesto at a fine Italianrestaurant tomake up for his blooper, he asked, ‘When canwe reschedule atyourhouse?’Never,Charlie.

Technique92:

ThegreatscorecardintheskyAnytwopeoplehaveaninvisiblescorecardhoveringabovetheirheads.Thenumberscontinuallyfluctuate,butoneruleremains:playerwithlowerscorepaysdeferencetoplayerwithhigherscore.Thepenaltyfornotkeepingyoureye on theGreat Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of the game.Permanently.

AlsobyLeilLowndes

Taponthecovertobuynow

Taponthecovertobuynow

Taponthecovertobuynow

We’vemetmanypeople inHow to Talk toAnyone.A fewof their names arechanged, but each is very real.Recently, I decided to trackdown someof thefolkswithwhomI’dcrossedpathsovertheyears.Iwantedtoseewhatthey’reuptonow.Laura, my old friend who dreamed of milkshake millions but ignored the

SupermarketCzar’sscorecard,isnowbackatherdayjob.Sam,whoruffledmebynotrevealinghewantedmetospeakforhisorganization,nolongerhasone.Sonny, who hounded his brother-in-law’s cousin by a too-quick call, is stillpumping gas. Tania, who insisted on immediate tit for tat, no longer has thatterrificjobatthetalentagency.PoorJane,themail-roomclerkwhoconfrontedherbossat theChristmaspartyfiveyearsago, isstillwrappingpackages.AndDan, who left the prolonged inspirational message on his phone, now has anunlistednumber–notagoodsignforanaspiringspeaker.WhereasBarrywhoaskseveryonehecalls,‘WhatColourIsYourTime?’was

recently chosen Broadcaster of the Year by the National Association of TalkShowHosts.Joe,whokeepsnoteofeveryoneonhisBusinessCardDossier,isnowastatesenator.Jimmi,theexpertatEyeballSelling,wasrecentlywrittenupinSuccessmagazine.Steve,whose staff insinuatesOhWow, It’sYou! to everycaller,isoneofthemostrequestedspeakersonthecablecircuit.Tim,thecan-doguy who gets what he wants from workers in every industry by writingButtercups for Their Boss, now owns the travel agency. And Gloria, myhairdresser who gives the greatNutshell Resume, recently opened a salon onNewYork’sfashionableFifthAvenue.Does thismean to say that just because the first folks irkedme and a few

otherstheywereexiledtoahumdrumexistence?Andthelattergroupwhomadepeoplesmilewouldattaingreatheights?Ofcoursenot.Thoseisolatedmomentsoftheirlivesweexaminedwerebutonemoveofmanytheymadeeachday.

Butconsider:ifyouhadbeentheonewhowasruffledbyLaura,Sam,Sonny,Tania,Jane,orDanandtheycalledyou,wouldyoufeellikeextendingyourselfforthem?Probablynot.Thememoryoftheirraggeddealingwouldstillsmart.Whereas if youheard fromBarry, Joe, Jimmi,Steve,Tim, orGloria, happy

memoriesofyourexchangewouldfloodoveryou.You’dwant todowhateveryoucouldforthem.Multiply your response bymany thousands.Aswe said in the introduction,

nobody gets to the top alone.Over the years, the smoothmoves of theseBigWinners have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds ofpeoplewhohelpedboostthemrungbyrungtothetopofwhateverladdertheychose.Howdoesonebecomeaninstinctivesmoothmoverratherthanaraggedrider

through life? The answer became blindingly clear one snowy day last winter.Lumbering along a neatly groomed track on cross-country skis, I spotted aNordicskierswiftlystridingtowardmeinthesametrail.Ididn’tneedtoobservehishighkickorhissnazzydiagonalpolingtoletmeknowIwasobstructingthepathofapro.WhilemusteringtheenergytolugmythrobbinglegsoutofthetracksoSuper

Skier could soar past, he deftly sidestepped out of the groove, leaving thegroomedtrailallforme.Ashewhizzedtowardme,heslowedslightly,smiled,nodded,andsaid,‘Goodmorning,beautifuldayforskiing,isn’tit?’I appreciated his deference (and insinuation that we were equals on the

snow!).Iknewhewasnotthinking‘Heylookatme.HereIam!’but‘Ahh,thereyouare.Letmemakeroomforyou.’As I implied in the opening words of this book, the difference in the life

successbetweenthosetwotypesofthinkersisincalculable.WhywasSuperSkier able topull offhismove sogracefully?Washeborn

withtheskill?No.Hiswasadeliberatemovethatgrewoutofpractice.Practice is also the fountainhead of all smooth communications moves.

Excellenceisnotasingleandsolitaryaction.Itistheoutcomeofmanyyearsofmakingsmallsmoothmoves,tinyoneslikethe92littletrickswe’veexploredinHowtoTalktoAnyone.Thesemovescreateyourdestiny.Remember,repeatinganactionmakesahabit.Yourhabitscreateyourcharacter.Andyourcharacterisyourdestiny.Maysuccessbeyourdestiny.

1. Ekman, Paul. 1985. Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace,Politics,andMarriage.NewYork:W.W.NortonCo.,Inc.2.Cheng,Sha,etal.1990.‘EffectsofPersonalityTypeonStressResponse.’

Acta-Psychologica-Sinica22(2):197–204.3. Carnegie, Dale. 1936.How to Win Friends and Influence People. New

York:Simon&Schuster.4.Goleman,Daniel.1989. ‘Brain’sDesignEmergesasaKey toEmotions,’

quotingDr. JosephLeDoux,psychologistatCenter forNeuralScienceatNewYorkUniversity.NewYorkTimes,August15.5.Kellerman,Joan,etal.1989.‘LookingandLoving:TheEffectsofMutual

GazeonFeelingsofRomanticLove.’ConductedattheAgoraphobiaTreatment& Research Center of New England. Journal of Research in Personality23(2):145–161.6. Argyle, Michael. 1967. The Psychology of Interpersonal Behavior.

Baltimore:PelicanPublications.7.Wellens,A.Rodney. 1987. ‘Heart-RateChanges inResponse toShifts in

Interpersonal Gaze from Liked and Disliked Others.’ Perceptual and MotorSkills64(2):595–598.8.Ibid.9. ZigZiglar,motivational teacher and author of the best-selling booksSee

YouattheTop,SecretsofClosingtheSale,OvertheTop,andSomethingtoSmileAbout.10.Curtis,RebeccaC., andMiller,Kim.1986. ‘BelievingAnotherLikesor

DislikesYou:BehaviorsMakingtheBeliefsComeTrue.’JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology51(2):284–290.11. Hayakawa, S. I. 1941. Language in Thought and Action. New York:

HarcourtBraceJovanovich.12. Aronson, E., et al. 1966. ‘The Effect of a Pratfall on Increasing

InterpersonalAttractiveness.’PsychonomicScience4:227–228.

13. Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching and CarnegieInstitute of Technology studies in the 1930s showing that 85 percent of one’sfinancial success, even in technical fields such as engineering, is due tocommunicationsskills.14. U.S. Census Bureau of Hiring, Training, and Management Practices

conducted a survey of 3,000 employers nationwide. The preferred qualities injob candidates were, rated in order of importance, attitude, communicationsskills, previous work experience, recommendations from current employer,recommendations from previous employer, industry-based credentials, yearsof schooling completed, score on interview tests, academic performance(grades),reputationofapplicant’sschool,teacherrecommendations.15.Walsh,DebraG.,andHewitt,Jay.1985.‘GivingMentheCome-on:Effect

ofEyeContactandSmilinginaBarEnvironment.’PerceptualandMotorSkills61(3,Part1):873–874.16.Walters, Lilly. 1995.What to SayWhen You’re Dying on the Platform.

NewYork:McGraw-Hill17.Axtell,Roger.1994.Do’sandTaboosAroundtheWorld.NewYork:John

Wiley&Sons,Inc.18.Bosrock,Mary. 1997.Put YourBest FootForward series.Minneapolis:

InternationalEducationSystems.19. Nwanna, Gladson. 1998. Do’s and Don’ts Around the World series.

Baltimore:WorldTravelInstitute.20.Byrne,Donn,etal.1970.‘ContinuityBetweentheExperimentalStudyof

Attraction andReal-LifeComputerDating.’Journal of Personality and SocialPsychology1:157–165.21.Fast,Julius.1970.BodyLanguage.NewYork:Simon&Schuster.22. Fast, Julius. 1991. Subtext: Making Body Language Work in the

Workplace.NewYork:Viking.23.Lewis,David.1989.TheSecretLanguageofSuccess.NewYork:Carroll

&GrafPublishersInc.24.Nierenberg,Gerard,andCaliero,Henry.1993.HowtoReadaPersonLike

aBook.NewYork:Barnes&NobleBooks.25. Pease, Allan. 1981. Signals: How to Use Body Language for Power,

SuccessandLove.NewYork:BantamBooks.26.Sannito,Thomas,andMcGovern,Peter J.,1985.CourtroomPsychology

forTrialLawyers.NewYork:JohnWiley&Sons,Inc.

Books

Alessandra, Tony, and Michael J. O’Connor. The Platinum Rule. New York:WarnerBooks,Inc.,1996.

Apte,Mahadev.Humor and Laughter: An Anthropological Approach. Ithaca,N.Y.:CornellUniversityPress,1985.

Argyle,Michael.ThePsychologyofInterpersonalBehavior.Baltimore:PelicanPublications,1967.

Bandler, Richard, and John Grinder. Frogs into Princes: NeurolinguisticProgramming.Moab,Utah:RealPeoplePress,1979.

Bellack, L., and S. Baker. Reading Faces. New York: Holt, Rinehart andWinston,1981.

Berscheid, E., and E. H. Walster. Interpersonal Attraction. 2nd ed. Reading,Mass.:Addison-Wesley,1978.

Bolton,Robert.PeopleSkills.NewYork:Simon&Schuster,Inc.,1979.

Booher, Dianna. Communicate with Confidence! New York: McGraw-Hill,1994.

Brooks,Michael.InstantRapport.NewYork:WarnerBooks,1989.

Brown,Les.It’sNotOverUntilYouWin!NewYork:Simon&Schuster,1997.

Burg,Bob.EndlessReferrals.NewYork:McGraw-Hill,1994.

Carnegie,Dale.How toWinFriends and InfluencePeople.NewYork: SimonandSchuster,1936.

Cundiff,Merlyn.Kinesics: The Power of Silent Command. NewYork: ParkerPublishingCo.,1972.

Ekman, Paul. Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, andMarriage.NewYork:W.W.NortonCo.,1985.

Erickson,M.H.,etal.HypnoticRealities.NewYork:JohnWiley&Sons,Inc.,1976.

Evatt,Chris.He& She: 60 SignificantDifferencesBetweenMen andWomen.Berkeley,Calif.:ConariPress,1992.

Farber,Barry.MakingPeopleTalk.NewYork:WilliamMorrowandCo., Inc.,1987.

Fast,Julius.BodyLanguage.NewYork:Simon&Schuster,1970.

Fiedler,F.ATheoryofLeadershipEffectiveness.NewYork:McGraw-Hill,1967.

Friedman, Nancy J. Telephone Skills from A to Z. Menlo Park, Calif.: CrispPublications,1995.

Gabor, Don. How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends. New York:Fireside,1983.

Glass,Lillian.HeSays,SheSays.NewYork:G.P.Putnam’sSons,1992.

Goffman,E.ThePresentationofSelf inEverydayLife.NewYork:Doubleday,1959.

Gray, John.Men Are fromMars, Women Are from Venus. NewYork: HarperCollinsPublishers,1992.

Hayakawa,S. I.Language inThought andAction.NewYork:HarcourtBraceJovanovich,1941.

Hess,Eckhard.TheTell-TaleEye.NewYork:VanNostrandReinhold,1975.

Lavington, Camille. You’ve Only Got Three Seconds. New York: Doubleday,1997.

LeBoeuf,Michael.HowtoWinCustomersandKeepThemforLife.NewYork:TheBerkleyPublishingGroup,1987.

Lewis, David. The Secret Language of Success. New York: Carroll & GrafPublishers,Inc.,1993.

Lowndes, Leil. How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You. Chicago:ContemporaryBooks,1996.

Lowndes,Leil.HowtoTalktoAnyone.NewYork:Citadel,1993,revised1996.

Lowndes,Leil.ShoppingtheInsider’sWay.NewYork:Citadel,1985.

Mackay,Harvey.Dig YourWell Before You’re Thirsty.NewYork:Doubleday,1997.

Mackay,Harvey.Swimwith theSharksWithoutBeingEatenAlive.NewYork:FawcettColumbine,1988.

Martinet,Jeanne.TheArtofMingling.NewYork:St.Martin’sPress,1992.

Mehrabian,A.NonverbalCommunications.Chicago:Aldine,1972.

Meyer,PaulJ.TheArtofCreativeListening.Waco,Tex.:PaulJ.Meyer,1980.

Michael,Gary.ItGivesMeGreatPleasure.NewYork:Citadel,1996.

Morris,Desmond.TheNakedApe.NewYork:McGrawHill,1967.

Nierenberg,Gerard,andHenryCallero.Meta-Talk:Guide toHiddenMeaningsinConversations.NewYork:TridentPress,1973.

O’Barr,W.,andB.K.Atkins.‘Women’sLanguageorPowerlessLanguage?’inWomenandLanguageinLiteratureandSociety.NewYork:Prager,1981.

Pease,Allan.Signals:HowtoUseBodyLanguageforPower,SuccessandLove.NewYork:BantamBooks,1981.

Perper,Timothy.SexSignals:TheBiologyofLove.Philadelphia:ISIPress,1985.

Qubein, Nido.How to Be a Great Communicator. New York: JohnWiley &Sons,Inc.,1996.

Rabin,Susan.How toAttractAnyone,Anytime,Anyplace.NewYork:PenguinBooks,1993.

Rackham,Neil.SpinSelling.NewYork:McGraw-Hill,1988.

Richardson,Linda.StopTelling,StartSelling.NewYork:McGraw-Hill,1994.

Roane,Susan.HowtoWorkaRoom.NewYork:WarnerBooks,1989.

Sannito, Thomas, and Peter J. McGovern. Courtroom Psychology for TrialLawyers.NewYork:JohnWiley&Sons,Inc.,1985.

Slutsky, Jeff, and Michael An. The Toastmaster’s International Guide toSuccessfulSpeaking.Chicago:Dearborn,1997.

Tannen, Deborah. Conversational Style: Analyzing Talk Among Friends.Norwood,N.J.:Ablex,1984.

Tannen,Deborah.YouJustDon’tUnderstand.NewYork:WilliamMorrowandCo.,1990.

Thibaut,J.W.,andH.H.Kelley.TheSocialPsychologyofGroups.NewYork:JohnWiley&Sons,Inc.,1959.

Walters, Barbara. How to Talk to Practically Anybody About PracticallyAnything.NewYork:Doubleday,1970.

Walters, Lilly.What to Say When You’re Dying on the Platform. New York:McGraw-Hill,1995.

Ziglar,Zig.ZiglaronSelling.NewYork:BallantineBooks,1991.

Zimmerman,DonH.,andCandaceWest.‘SexRoles,InterruptionsandSilencesin Conversation.’ Language and Sex: Difference and Dominance, 105–129.Edited byBarrie Thorne andNancyHenley.Rowley,Mass.:NewburyHouse,1975.

Studies,papers,commentaryinprofessionaljournals

Adger,Carolyn.‘EmpoweringTalk:African-AmericanTeachersandClassroomDiscourse.’ Paper presented at the 1993 annual meeting of the AmericanEducationResearchAssociation,Atlanta,1993.

Anderson, N. H. ‘Ratings of Likableness, Meaningfulness, and LikablenessVariancesfor555CommonPersonalityTraitsArrangedinOrderofDecreasingLikableness.’JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,1968,9:272–279.

Aronson, E., et al. ‘The Effect of a Pratfall on Increasing InterpersonalAttractiveness,’PsychonomicScience,1966,4:227–228.

Backman, C. W., and P. F. Secord. ‘The Effect of Perceived Liking onInterpersonalAttraction.’HumanRelations,1959,12:379–384.

Bem, D. J. ‘Self Perception Theory.’ Advances in Experimental SocialPsychology,1972,6:1–62.

Bennett, Adrian. ‘Interruptions and the Interpretation of Conversation.’DiscourseProcesses,1981,4/2:181–188.

Brown,Roger,andAlbertGilman.‘ThePronounsofPowerandSolidarity.’StyleinLanguage,1960.EditedbyThomasSebeok.Cambridge,Mass.:MITPress.

Byrne, D., and D. Nelson. ‘Attraction as Linear Function of Proportion ofPositiveReinforcements.’JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,1965,1:659–663.

Cheng, Sha, et al. ‘Effects of Personality Type on Stress Response.’ Acta-Psychologica-Sinica,1990,22(2):197–204.

Cook,Mark.‘GazeandMutualGazeinSocialEncounters.’AmericanScientist,1977,65:328–333.

Costanzo,F.S.,etal.‘VoiceQualityProfileandPerceivedEmotion.’JournalofCounselingPsychology,1969,16:27–30.

Curtis,RebeccaC.,andKimMiller.‘BelievingAnotherLikesorDislikesYou:BehaviorsMaking theBeliefs ComeTrue.’ Journal of Personality and SocialPsychology,1986,51(2):284–290.

Day,M.E. ‘EyeMovement PhenomenonRelating toAttention, Thought, andAnxiety.’PerceptualandMotorSkills,1964,19:443–446.

Dion,K.,etal.‘WhatIsBeautifulIsGood.’JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,1972,24:285–290.

Eckman, P., and W. Freisen. ‘Detecting Deception from the Body or Face.’JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,1974,29(3):294.

Eckman, P., and W. Freisen. ‘Nonverbal Leakage and Clues to Deceptions.’Psychiatry,1969,32:99.

Efran,J.‘LookingforApprovalEffectsonVisualBehaviorofApprobationfromPersonsDifferinginImportance.’JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology,1968,10:21–25.

Efran, M. G. ‘The Effect of Physical Appearance on the Judgment of Guilt,Interpersonal Attraction, and Severity of Recommended Punishment in aSimulatedJuryTask.’JournalofPersonality,1974,8:45–54.

Goguen, J. A., and C. Linde. ‘Linguistic Methodology for the Analysis ofAviation Accidents.’ Report by the National Aeronautics and SpaceAdministrationScientificandTechnicalInformationBranch,1983.

Griffitt,W.,andR.Veitch.‘HotandCrowded:InfluenceofPopulationDensityand Temperature on Interpersonal Affective Behavior.’ Journal of PersonalityandSocialPsychology,1971,17:92–98.

Griffitt, W., and T. Jackson. ‘The Influence of Ability and NonabilityInformation on Personnel Selection Decisions.’ Psychological Reports, 1970,27:959–962.

Haase, R., and D. Tepper. ‘Nonverbal Components of EmpatheticCommunication.’JournalofCounselingPsychology,1972,19:417–424.

Kellerman, Joan, et al. ‘Looking and Loving: The Effects ofMutualGaze onFeelings of Romantic Love.’ Conducted at the Agoraphobia Treatment &Research Center of New England. Journal of Research in Personality, 1989,23(2):145–161.

Kleinke,C.,etal.‘EffectsofGaze,TouchandUseofNameonEvaluationsofEngagedCouples.’JournalofResearchinPersonality,1972,7:368–373.

Major,Brenda,etal.‘PhysicalAttractivenessandSelfEsteem:AttributionsforPraise from an Other Sex Evaluator.’ Personality and Social PsychologyBulletin,1984,10(1):43–50.

Maslow,A.H.,andN.L.Mintz.‘EffectsofAestheticSurroundings.’JournalofPsychology,1956,41:247–254.

Richards,J.Heuer,Jr.‘CognitiveFactorsinDeceptionandCounterDeception.’StrategicMilitaryDeception,1982.EditedbyDonaldC.DanielandKatherineL.Herbig.NewYork:PergamonPress.

Secord, Paul F. ‘Facial Features and Inference Processes in InterpersonalPerception.’PersonalPerceptionand InterpersonalBehavior, 1958.Edited byR.TaguiriandL.Petrullo.Stanford:StanfordUniversityPress.

Stodgill, R. ‘Personal Factors Associated with Leadership: A Survey of theLiterature.’JournalofPsychology,1948,25:35–71.

Walsh, Debra G., and Jay Hewitt. ‘Giving Men the Come-on: Effect of EyeContactandSmilinginaBarEnvironment.’PerceptualandMotorSkills,1985,61(3,Part1):873–874.

Wellens,A.Rodney.‘Heart-RateChangesinResponsetoShiftsinInterpersonalGaze from Liked and Disliked Others.’ Perceptual and Motor Skills, 1987,

64(2):595–598.

Articles,audiotapes,andnewsletters

Bakin,P.‘TheEyesHaveIt.’PsychologyToday,April1971,67.

CommunicationBriefingsnewsletter.Alexandria,Va.:CapitolPublications,Inc.

Eckman, P. ‘The Universal Smile, Face Muscles Talk Every Language.’PsychologyToday,September1975.

Goleman,Daniel.‘Brain’sDesignEmergesasaKeytoEmotions,’quotingDr.Joseph LeDoux, psychologist at Center for Neural Science at New YorkUniversity.NewYorkTimes,August15,1989.

Goleman,Daniel.‘PeopleWhoReadPeople.’PsychologyToday,July1979,66–78.

Hess,Eckhard.‘TheRoleofPupilSizeinCommunication.’ScientificAmerican,1965,233:110–119.

Lowndes,Leil.ConversationConfidence.Audiocassettes.SanClemente,Calif.:VerbalAdvantage,1996.

Mackey, TerryW. ‘Jury Selection: Developing the Third Eye.’ Trial, October1980,22–25.

Sacks,Harvey,etal.‘ASimplestSystematicsfortheOrganizationofTurntakingforConversation.’Language,1974,50/4:696–735.

Schulman,J.,etal.‘RecipeforaJury.’PsychologyToday,1963,6:37–44.

Tracy, Brian. The Psychology of Selling. Audiotapes. Niles, Ill.: Nightingale-ConantCorporation.

Wetzel, Patricia. ‘Are Powerless Communications Strategies the JapaneseNorm?’LanguageinSociety,1988,17:555–564.

Zorn, E. ‘Here’s Looking at You: Is Your Face a True Personality Profile?’ChicagoTribune,May13,1981,18.

Leil Lowndes – a shyness ‘survivor’ – is an internationally acclaimedcommunicationsexpertwhocoaches topexecutivesofFortune500companiesaswell as frontline employees to becomemore effective communicators. Shehas spoken in practically everymajorU.S. city and conducts communicationsseminarsfortheU.S.PeaceCorps,foreigngovernmentsandmajorcorporations.In addition to engrossing audiences on hundreds of TV and radio shows, herworkhasbeenacclaimedbytheNewYorkTimes,theChicagoTribuneandTimemagazine. Her articles have appeared in professional journals and popularpublications suchasRedbook,NewWoman,PsychologyToday,Penthouse andCosmopolitan. Based in New York City, she is the author of four booksincludingthetop-sellingHowtoTalktoAnyoneandHowtoMakeAnyoneFallinLovewithYou.

IfyoucomeacrossanylittletricksofBigWinnersinyourlife,sharethemwithLeil–soshecansharethemwithothers,creditedinhernextbook,ofcourse,toyou.Leil’s mailing address is Applause, Inc., 127 Grand Street, NewYork, NY

10013.Ore-mailheratleil@lowndes.comLeil’swebsiteaddressishttp://www.lowndes.com

Copyright

HarperElementAnImprintofHarperCollinsPublishers

77–85FulhamPalaceRoadHammersmith,LondonW68JB

www.harpercollins.co.uk

andHarperElementaretrademarksofHarperCollinsPublishersLtd

FirstpublishedbyThorsons1999ThiseditionpublishedbyHarperElement2014

©LeilLowndes1999,2014

Coverlayoutdesign©HarperCollinsPublishersLtd2014

AcataloguerecordforthisbookisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary

Whileeveryefforthasbeenmadetotracetheownersofcopyrightmaterialreproducedhereinandsecurepermissions,thepublisherswouldliketoapologiseforanyomissionsandwillbepleasedtoincorporatemissingacknowledgements

inanyfutureeditionofthisbook.LeilLowndesassertsthemoralrighttobeidentifiedastheauthorofthiswork

AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.Bypaymentoftherequiredfees,youhavebeengrantedthe

nonexclusive,non-transferablerighttoaccessandreadthetextofthise-bookonscreen.Nopartofthistextmaybereproduced,transmitted,downloaded,

decompiled,reverseengineered,orstoredinorintroducedintoanyinformation

storageretrievalsystem,inanyformorbyanymeans,whetherelectronicormechanical,nowknownorhereinafterinvented,withouttheexpresswritten

permissionofHarperCollinse-books.

FindoutmoreaboutHarperCollinsandtheenvironmentatwww.harpercollins.co.uk/green

SourceISBN:9780722538074EbookEdition©2014ISBN:9780007369867

Version:2014-01-14

AboutthePublisher

AustraliaHarperCollinsPublishers(Australia)Pty.Ltd.Level13,201ElizabethStreetSydney,NSW2000,Australiahttp://www.harpercollins.com.au/ebooks

CanadaHarperCollinsCanada2BloorStreetEast–20thFloorToronto,ON,M4W,1A8,Canadahttp://www.harpercollins.ca

NewZealandHarperCollinsPublishers(NewZealand)LimitedP.O.Box1Auckland,NewZealandhttp://www.harpercollins.co.nz

UnitedKingdomHarperCollinsPublishersLtd.77-85FulhamPalaceRoadLondon,W68JB,UKhttp://www.harpercollins.co.uk

UnitedStates

HarperCollinsPublishersInc.10East53rdStreetNewYork,NY10022http://www.harpercollins.com