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Little did they know......the next morning would not be pleasant

It seems like every week there’s another celeb-rity who thinks he’s going to save the world.

Most of them don’t have space shuttles. Famed actor/sporadically nutty celebrity Tom Cruise has a vision. Or, more precisely, he had a vision. When questioned, he described it as “re-ally mind blowing, like, this total experience. I don’t know man, I just can’t... look, we’re going to SPACE, alright. Scientology is going to SPACE.”“Make sure you put SPACE in caps. The vision said that was really important.”Cruise described the vision as a religious call-ing, stating that this was a chance to show the people of the world about the power of Scien-tology to “just fix everything, guys. Just, all these problems we have right now? Scientology will fix that. By going to SPACE.”

When asked to elaborate, Mr. Cruise stated that the shuttle (re-christened the “Hubbard I”) would be searching for a group of highly ad-vanced life forms known as the Loyal Officers. He quickly qualified:“Oh s--t, I don’t think I was supposed to tell you that. What’s your OT level again?1 I can’t tell you about that. Just stick to the shuttle, okay? And the SPACE.”

Mr. Cruise claims he announced his plans at a recent national Scientology meeting, which took place at an undisclosed location. He claims that he cannot discuss what he said, or how the audience responded, and warned me not to assume that there even was an audience, or a

meeting. He stated:“Sorry, I’m just trying to stay on the DL, you know?”“Stop snickering. I don’t see what’s so funny. Why does everyone laugh when I say that?”

He then abruptly changed the subject, saying repeatedly that this was an opportunity to prove to the world that Scientology could solve all of their problems.2 Mr. Cruise also stated3 that after experiencing his “totally spiritual insight,” everything else “just seemed to fall into place.”“It turns out that you can just buy space shuttles now. It doesn’t even cost that much, NASA is just handing them out to anybody with a couple hundred grand. It’s like they don’t even want them anymore.”The mission is being staffed by an extensive crew of recently unemployed astronauts and NASA scientists.

“It’s really hard out there for those guys. They’ve got all these, like, degrees and stuff, but apparently I’m the only guy who wants to go to space.”“Dude, you forgot to capitalize space. I told you

that was important, right? Make sure you fix that.”4

Mr. Cruise believes that this mission has brought new purpose to the lives of these dis-placed exemplars of human achievement.“When I lined up the astronauts and explained the mission, this one guy just totally lost control. Just broke down sobbing. It was really moving, you know? I felt like I had touched this guy at this deeply emotional level.”

“Oh, and we’re going to launch the rocket in like, a couple of minutes. I should really get over there. Good talk, man.”After leaving the room, Mr. Cruise stuck his head back inside and shouted “SPAAAAAACE!”

-Jack V. Curtis

1. Your intrepid reporter does not know what an “OT level” is, and really, really hopes that he does not have one.

2. He said this a lot. Just, just over and over again. It was like talking to a child. 3. F--king finally.

4. No. Yeah, you heard me Cruisey boy. Don’t tell me how to do my f--king job.

Spaaaaacccceeeee!!

Scientology: IN SPACE!

I have an Idea. we are going tospace!