Issue 2February 2016

Hello and welcome to the second edition of the Adoptables online magazine, a space for adopted young people to raise

and address topics that are important to us.

In this issue, we would like to thank all of the young people and Adoptables Ambassadors who contributed to the design, content,

and layout. We would also like to thank you for reading it!

The Adoptables Programme is funded by The Queen’s Trust and has been up and running since October 2014. It aims to have the voices of adopted young people heard on different aspects of

adoption and, by doing so, influence future policy. The programme is designed in partnership with adopted young people, and we hold workshops for them across the country. We also take part in events,

such as Big Adoption Day, on the next page!

We hope you enjoy this issue of the Adoptables magazine. If you have any feedback or suggestions, please do email

Erina at erina.naluwaga@coram.org.uk

Happy reading!

Adoptables Ambassadors, Adoptables Editorial Team

On the 16th March the majority of Independent Adoption Agencies across England will be opening their doors to host a Big Adoption Day. It will create a bigger and louder voice to raise awareness of the needs of the 3,000 children in care waiting to find families while reinforcing the excellent service and support the independent adoption sector provide.

Each agency’s Big Adoption Day event will take the form of their regular adoption information evening, but they will also be unveiling a new animation

aimed at prospective adopters called “What Adopted Young People Want Prospective Adopters To Know…”

The Adoptables have been involved in providing some of the creative input for the new animation and will also be invited to “rubber stamp”

the final edit of the animation before it goes live.

Please share details of the Big Adoption Day event with anyone you know who is thinking about adoption.

Thank you!

I had an invisible bully. No one knew my bully was there for a long time. That’s because the bully existed inside my head. I used to bully myself.

When you are growing up it’s natural to go through periods of time where you don’t feel very confident, for example when you transition from primary school to secondary school. During this time I changed from feeling very grown up and important, to slightly small and insignificant. This is normal during a big change in life. However, the problem arose when these feelings grew and I started to speak to myself in a horrible way.

I’d belittle myself and get cross with myself. I’d never have let someone else speak to me in that way, and I’d never have spoken to someone else like that either, and yet I said these things to myself. I put myself down and told myself that I was worthless. I listened to these feelings, and the more I did, the more they impacted my everyday life.

Listening to these feelings was very dangerous ; they changed my behaviour. I started thinking that I was useless and began hurting myself physically. Self-harm is addictive, and I kept needing to do it more and more. It escalated until it got completely out of control. I certainly spent several nights sitting on a cold bench in hospital hiding inside a hoody, being called in for medical treatment.

During this time I also became withdrawn and I stopped socialising with my friends and family. I wanted to become invisible and not exist. In bullying myself I gave other people permission to do so too. I believed I was worthless and acted accordingly, and other people picked up on this. While some people simply ignored me, others saw me as a target, and bullied me. For example, I went to boarding school, and my friends in my dorm all got sticks and chased me around the boarding house chanting abusive things to make me run away. I escaped, and ran half way down the school’s long drive in the pouring rain, dressed in a sports shirt before an older student spotted me and took me back inside.

The huge problem with self-bullying is that you can’t get away from it.

It’s 24 hours a day, seven days a week, it encourages others to bully you, and it’s hard for adults to detect. I found it difficult to ask for help because I listened to the bullying thoughts and believed that I was worthless and beyond help.

Thankfully, someone noticed I was unhappy. I went to therapy and learnt how to challenge those thoughts and beliefs.

If the feelings are so strong and you can’t manage that, sit down somewhere comfortable and be mindful of your surroundings ; feel the soft cushion under you, the fleecy blanket, find a part of your body that is warm, cold, comfortable, relaxed. It may seem silly, but it will relax you. It will mean that you ride the storm out like a little fishing boat, and make it to calmer water intact.

Because I noticed my bully, and because of all the help that I received, and the work I’ve put in, I’m now happy. I have achieved so much more than I ever thought imaginable, and am trying to use my past experiences to help others.

If you have similar self-bullying thoughts, challenge them and ask for help if you need it. Keep fighting it, keep going, and dream big; create the future you deserve!

My counselling has stopped, and sometimes the bullying thoughts come back. It is then that I have a choice: do I give in to the bully and believe the thoughts, or do I challenge them?

While it may seem easier to submit to the bully, the best thing to do is to fight it. It’s important to challenge the voice; even if what it [the voice] says is very emotional and strong, ask yourself is it true? Can what it says be backed up by concrete truth? The answer is almost undoubtedly, no! Having acknowledged that, it’s important to keep yourself safe and busy ; do something you enjoy, like read a book, watch a film, or see a good friend.

When we are at Primary School, we tend to be a lot more open with information. School staff usually already know that we are adopted through

our parents, without us saying anything directly to them. At an even younger age, we may sometimes give out too much information about our personal story. When we reach secondary school, our peers still

may not really understand what adoption means, or the impact their words on the subject may have on us.

This can leave us with mixed emotions about sharing things with people and can begin to build up a trust wall. It could even lead to bullying.

The transition from primary to secondary gives us a chance at a fresh start, and this time we may want to be more selective in who knows what.

Our support network can help us decide who we should tell and who we shouldn’t. When the time is right, they can also help us decide what to say.

We need to make sure we have thought about why we want to share this information with others - adoption is our personal story and

not everyone needs to know everything.

...and perhaps find more than one way of saying it - this way we won’t be caught off guard and we will know how to approach

the conversation every time it comes around.

Some common ones are: A. Does that mean your parents didn’t want you?B. What is it like being adopted? C. Do you speak to your birth parents?D. And here’s a funny one… How long are you adopted for?

Just step back, think and remember when we are comfortable we can simply say ‘I don’t want to answer that question’. Those that care about

you will understand and respect that.

Remember, we slowly build up trust with new people. Trust takes time, and there is no need to rush it. Go at your own pace, you will feel more confident

and comfortable with someone you trust.

The Adoptables have been working with Coram Life Education on a school toolkit that will soon be launched in schools. Its job is to ‘improve the experience of school for adopted children and young people’.

To do this we need to:

• Increase awareness of the issues that adopted children and young people may face

• Increase awareness of the curriculum areas that may be sensitive

• Express the fact that, in most ways, adopted children and young people are just like non-adopted children and young people

• Work with all school staff and pupils at Primary and Secondary levels

We began by gathering the thoughts and experiences of some of the Adoptables at workshops and residentials around the country. My first meeting was with a group of Adoptables in Kent. This was their first meeting and as they started to get to know each other, it soon became apparent how similar some of their experiences were and how important it was to share their experiences and suggestions within the teaching profession.

As a teacher myself, I was dismayed to hear some of the negative experiences but heartened too by the stories of supportive and understanding staff.

The experience of working with that group of impressive young people in Kent had a profound effect on me and my teaching practice. They spoke so eloquently and maturely about some difficult experiences - if only we could capture that and share it with teachers, perhaps they too would be moved to reflect on and change their practice?

For the Key Stage (KS) 3 resources, we decided to use ‘vox pops’ or ‘talking heads’ films - the films where someone is asked a question and they respond, unscripted. We gathered a group of six Adoptables, gave them a list of questions about their experiences of being adopted and their experiences at school, and we filmed their responses. The professionalism, the maturity and the reflectiveness of the young people was truly impressive. They spoke openly and honestly about their experiences in a way that, we hope, will produce some truly engaging films.

For the KS2 resources, we worked with a group of Adoptables and they wrote the outlines to two films that drew on their experiences at school. They were determined that stories would be honest, real, balanced and ‘not too serious!’

The film resources will be supported by lesson plans and teaching resources. At KS3, the films will also be able to be shown as part of an assembly, delivered by one of the Adoptables Ambassadors. In addition, we’ll provide schools with an information pack and signpost to further training.

The piloting of the resource is taking place during the Spring Term with the official launch in April.

Justina Horne (Teacher and Training Manager at Coram Life Education)

First of all, always remember that you can be whatever you want to be and that your parents have really wanted you and love you even though you may feel very different from other members in your family. Through this experience I have really enjoyed being different and really love individuality which I now realise as an ‘old’ person, is a real benefit. Don’t try to fit in, if you don’t feel comfortable then find where you are comfortable and have confidence in that. Don’t waste your time driving yourself mad about your past, remember it is the present that is important – that’s why it’s called the ‘present’.

I grew up knowing nothing about my parents; my family history or any medical information and in a way it allowed me to get on with my childhood without constantly thinking about the fact that I am a ‘adopted’.

These days, everything you hear or see in the media seems to be about adoption and because of this, there is perhaps more understanding, especially when it comes to the importance of knowing where you have come from.

Dear Amanda,

Do you know how many famous people have been adopted?! Nelson Mandela, John Lennon, Bill Clinton, Kristin Chenoweth, Jesse Jackson, Nicole Richie, Faith Hill, Steve Jobs, Jamie Foxx (his mother was also adopted) – these are just a few!

I want you to know that there will be plenty of time later on to meet up with your birth family, if you should still want to, and hopefully by then you will be more confident in who you are and understand the reasons why you were adopted. This may be a hard decision, but don’t feel guilty, you’ll have great

back up from friends and family. Remember that all families go through problems, arguments etc., and in that you are no different, so don’t allow any labelling from others or yourself to be the reason why you don’t go for what you want. At the same time do not be too hard on yourself, none of this is your fault. So many children around the world are now displaced, living with strangers or come from separated families, whereas you have a security and stability that others don’t.

You are loved and wanted - the rest will come.

An adopted adult, now 56 and currently working in fostering, writes to her younger self.

Keyshia Cole

Although all the names have been changed for confidentiality purposes and none of the images are of the young people onthe Programme, the stories and experiences are very real and are written by Ambassadors.

This online magazine will come out every quarter (every 3 months). If you would like more information on how to get involved, you have a story to tell, or you are a subject you would like to be addressed, please get in touch with Erina at erina.naluwaga@coram.org.uk