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Addiction: ABC’s and 123’s

Dr. Barbara Byers

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The ABC’s

A - The Addict and Addiction B - Belief System C - Cycle of Addiction D - Decline Process E - Enabling F - Family Connection

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A: What is Addiction?

It is not just frequent use of a substance or process, but it is abuse coupled with:– deception, – loss in relationships, – dependency on the object,– loss of control,– attempts to stop bring withdrawal symptoms,– changes within the personality.

Why? To escape painful emotions and create a different mood.

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Addiction: 2 Types

1. Substance addictions– Revolve around drinking, eating, ingesting,

inhaling, huffing, injecting, taking in– Caffeine, nicotine, sugar, alcohol, drugs, pain-

killers 2. Process addictions: “doing”

– TV, shopping, internet, gambling, exercising, stealing

– Relating: misery/victimization, hyper-religion, and drama and chaos

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Satiation and Arousal

Arousal– Caffeine/tobacco, high risk behavior, sexual

behaviors, gambling, drugs Satiation

– Alcohol, eating, drugs, sex, spending, working

The addict wants to arouse but also satisfy

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The Addict:Risk Factors

“Addictive” personality features Absence of good coping skills Unmet emotional, social and spiritual

needs Lack of support; broken family Dysfunctional family messages Unfinished business, pain of the past

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B: Faulty Belief System

Addiction is an emotional relationship with an object or process! We love and trust it!

Addiction starts out as an emotional illusion to cover deeper impaired beliefs

As emotional level of addiction is established, the process develops its own emotional logic

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C: Cycle of Addiction

Cycle begins with negative emotions Start to get preoccupied with a way to soothe

and alleviate the emotions Use something that’s worked before Sets in a ritual

– Just preparation and anticipation begins bring arousal and to soothe

Last stage of cycle: feel shame, blame, remorse, self-hatred, hopelessness

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D: Process of Decline

Loss of Control - signs of increasing use:– 1. Tolerance increases – 2. Begin to experience impairment – 3. Habits are established and dependency

is growing (stronghold)– 4. Deception is set in, deceiving others and

ourselves – 5. Attachment deepens

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Decline: Personality Changes

Stage 1: Internal Change– Mental preoccupation– Commitment to a negative lifestyle

Shame Euphoric recall Denial, minimization, rationalization,

avoidance

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Decline: Personality Changes

Stage 2:– Logic develops into a rigid, delusional belief system– Brain impairment

Stage 2 Behaviors– Betrays; lies; blames– Withdraws– Spiritual deadening

Stage 2 Deep Ritualization– “Negative surrender”

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Decline: Personality Changes

Stage 3 - Chronic Addicts have built strong defense system and

delusions Have developed tolerance, so must act out

more often and more dangerously Confident in ability to manipulate others while

feeling lost, isolated, ashamed Feels cut off emotionally and spiritually

except with their object

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Decline

Reaction of others:– “To have a relationship with a practicing addict is very

painful and emotionally dangerous.” (Nakken) – Relationships suffer as others feel intense pain– Others react to withdrawal by addict

• Either withdraw or try to control or both– Feel manipulated, lied to, blamed, betrayed, neglected– Trust is fractured– “Crazy making” - keep trying to make sense out of it

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The Trip Wire: Enabling

Trip Wire = “something that activates something greater”

Enabling: about living in orbit of someone else’s pain, chaos, sorrow, darkness, chaos, addiction, need

Enabling is about my own need to stay connected, to fix

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Enabling: Impaired Behaviors

Start to participate in same impaired mental processes as addict

Feel the loss of relationship, try to deny it but become angry, despairing

Efforts to change relationship are ineffective and can intensify the system

Family makes adjustments - so all kinds of co-dependencies develop

Over-focus: “The Addict” becomes family scapegoat

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Enabling: Behaviors

Preoccupation with addict’s problems leads to controlling behaviors– Assume that the co-addict has power over the addict

Sacrifice part of own identity to stay in the relationship

Enabler starts with core beliefs life– Often carry a sense of abandonment– Often carry an inflated sense of responsibility

May use blame to shield own feelings

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The Family Connection

Predisposition to addiction if parents addicted– Toxic family may pollute our attitudes

Develop ways of coping Measure of dysfunction is how willing

we are not to talk about it! Believe illusion that if acting out stops,

pain stops

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What Now?

Assess the stage of use or addiction. Recognize and stop the enabling in the

system. Break the silence to disable the system. Get outside help and support.

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Intervention

Intervention is intended to force the addict to make some changes in behavior.– Creates a crisis.– “No more promises.” “No more tears.”– It is a call to action with a specific plan.– Not a threat. Must be caring but clear.– Helps them break through patterns of denial to admit

there is a problem.– Remember you are asking them to give up their very

best friend.– Takes courage to face their rage and our enabling.

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Detachment

If you are an enabler, you have probably tried all the wrong approaches.– Feel frustrated, angry, abandoned, hopeless

Detachment is the key.– Move out of their orbit as much as possible.– Limit yourself; get help for YOU.– Don’t cover for them; don’t keep their secret.

Not about not feeling emotions, about being stable and not reacting.

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Detachment

Idea is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict– Not abandonment!– Not complete dissociation.

Move away from taking too much responsibility. Move away from control. Move away from emotional reactions to their

destructive behaviors.

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Detachment

Must be willing to set boundaries and be consistent in enforcing them.– Consequences are absolutely essential.

Must be willing to decide on non-negotiables. Be emotionally prepared for onslaught of their

blame and anger if you are changing the “rules.”

Get support for this.

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Detachment

What does detachment look like?– It is difficult!– Don’t do anything for them they should be

doing for themselves.– Don’t rescue them from consequences.– Don’t cover their mistakes.– Let them suffer where necessary.– Let go of the guilt you have.

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Consequences

Consequences will help drive an addict to feel the real pain of their choices.– Without consequences, change is difficult.– Restore and maintain ALL consequences.– Beware of manipulation.

Luke 15 story gives us hope.– When all is lost then sanity and clarity may intrude.– The addict may “come to himself” and be willing to

change.

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There is Hope! … The 123’s

Addicts must have hope, must know:– “There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not

deeper still.” Corrie ten Boom The Hiding Place #1: There is hope because there is

grace! John 1:14 Jesus came full of grace and

truth….at our deepest darkness. This grace is real, tangible, present and

empowering.

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2nd Element: Facing Pain

Must have a willingness to face the pain of our current addiction which is so debilitating and has caused such loss to ourselves and others

Must go to the taproot.– Where does it hurt?– When we pause the addiction, the pain comes us

and demands attention– So can’t just stop the behavior

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3rd Element: Telling the truth

Denial and deception are at the heart of addiction so the truth must be told.– Whatever we hold back, we won’t be free

of. “You are only as sick as your secrets.” Responsibility:

– Recovery will not begin until the addict accepts responsibility for his practices: choices, behaviors, and beliefs.

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Where to Get Help

Individual and group counseling School counselors Outpatient and inpatient rehabilitation

– Must be long enough to get to the roots– Cessation of behavior and internal pain

Church groups such as Celebrate Recovery Al-Anon Doug Weiss at Heart-to-Heart Counseling Nancy Alcorn’s Mercy Ministry

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Summary

“Expand your options”– Break the silence – Break the shame– Break the isolation

Research tells us we cannot do it alone! Need consequences. Grace and truth!

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Helpful Books

Addiction and Grace by Gerald May

The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken

The Heart of Addiction by Lance Dodes

Facing Shame: Families in Recovery by Fossum and Mason