Recipes for Life

Home and school-based stress management strategies for children and adolescents

Copyright © 2016 [Bromley Psychology]. All Rights Reserved

IngredientsFor children and adolescents stress at school can include doing schoolwork, taking tests, making and maintaining friendships, dealing with bullying, managing the

sensory environment, appropriately controlling emotions and behaviour and using effective communication techniques.Stress can be evident as behavioural problems, learning delay, social conflict, anxiety, school refusal, somatic complaints, depressive symptoms and emotional dysregulation.Stress management strategies for children and adolescents include learning emotional regulation ‘tools’, such as physical tools, like walking away and physical release; relaxation techniques; cognitive (or ‘thinking’) strategies and social tools such as effective communication techniques and social problem-solving.In order for children to learn, practice and use these tools, they need to move ‘outside their comfort zone’. To do this, they need to be within their comfort zone to start with. It is the responsibility of parents, carers and teachers to understand the nature of the child’s stress and provide a comfortable environment for the child with proactive tools to reduce environmental stressors.To feel comfortable, children and adolescents require:

1.A healthy physical state, including regular physical activity, good sleep and a healthy diet

2.A predictable routine using a home schedule and school timetable

3.Regular sensory/relaxation breaks and4.Adults around them who understand why they do

what they do and model appropriate stress management strategies

This booklet contains home- and school-based strategies for parents, carers and teachers of children and adolescents who experience stress, to allow them to feel relaxed, understood and comfortable within their environment, so that these individuals can learn the new skills required to manage life.

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MethodStep 1 - Health

An optimal physical state means that children are biologically prepared to manage stress, control impulses, feel happy and cope with emotional and sensory overload more effectively. Good health requires daily physical activity, regular sleep patterns and a healthy diet. Diet

The most important of these ingredients is diet. A good diet should be planned and made a priority.

And yes I am aware of the ‘they won’t eat it’ objection, but it’s more about what you cut out (sugar, processed food, packaged food, snacks, soft drink etc) and education around sugar and processed food. You are the parent – be in control of what is available. They won’t starve - the human race would not have survived if kids actually could not eat healthy food. If it’s not in the house they can’t eat it. Most people know not to give pets too many food treats as it is not good for them. The same goes for kids. Food as a ‘treat’ only teaches your child to use food as a reward – which explains why there is an obesity epidemic. We need to be ‘old school’ – the only choice for meals should be ‘this or nothing’. And guess what? With healthier food, kids sleep better and have more energy to engage in physical activity. Planning a healthy diet and prioritising time to prepare healthy meals is one of the most important things you can do for your child. Children (and adults) cannot control emotions, impulses and behaviour when their body is flooded

with sugar and processed food, or lacking in vital nutrients.

Tips for healthy eating

1. Look at the “Healthy Eating Pyramid” in the Appendix and write down all the foods from the picture that your child will eat.

2. Write these items on your shopping list.3. As a rough guide, the food part of your shopping trolley should consist of:

½ vegetables and fruits (mostly vegetables), ¼ grains – this includes wholemeal/grain (or gluten-free) bread and

wholemeal (or gluten-free) pasta as well as oats, beans, cous cous, rice, quinoa, plain popcorn, seeds and nuts

¼ lean meat, eggs, fish and milk products (not low fat or flavoured)3

Shop on the edge! Aisles on the outer edge of the supermarket (fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy) are good, most inner aisles contain the nasty stuff

Daily intake should aim to have the same proportions of foods as above. Don’t worry about recipes at this stage, just present each food as your child will eat it, eg leg of store-bought hot chicken, vegetable and cheese sticks, some nuts and wholemeal bread with butter.

Very minimal fruit juice, cordial, soft drink, packaged food, processed meat, chips, sweets, biscuits, extra sugar, etc.

Drink mostly water or milk

It doesn’t matter if your child eats the same thing every day – as long as it complies with the proportions in the pyramid. Supplement with

multivitamins if their nutrient range is not great at this stage. Introduce a small amount of new foods occasionally. More information regarding the

relationship between food and mood, as well as a food chart, is included in the Appendix – copy a food chart for each family member and have

competitions to see who can eat the healthiest!

Sleep and exercise

Improving sleep and increasing physical activity in their child or adolescent can be a challenge for parents. Once a healthy diet is established, try these tips for assisting your child get better sleep and increase physical activity:

Find a physical activity they like – if team sports aren’t their thing try parallel or individual sports, such as martial arts, bike riding, golf, swimming, dance, weights, boxing, yoga etc

At the very least, go for a walk every day with your child, have them walk the dog, let them walk at least part of the way to school or send them outside on the backyard for an hour a day

Put it on the schedule and have preferred activities (eg TV, iPad, computer) only available after the physical activity time

With increased activity, sleep should be easier, but if not, consider a script for Melatonin from your paediatrician

Stop all electronic devices and food and drink intake (except water) one hour before bedtime

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Step 2 – A predictable routine using a home schedule and school timetable

Home scheduleA predictable routine can be established using a home schedule. A schedule provides predictability while teaching flexibility, promoting independence, increasing compliance and helping build necessary vocational skills.The preparation of a schedule is best achieved using a large weekly timetable displayed at home that includes digital times and all routine activities, including morning and bedtime routines, chores, free time and meals. A large whiteboard is ideal. Use pictures if the child is a visual learner or can’t read as yet.

The schedule should include specific times for regular exercise or physical activity, meditation or other relaxation techniques, time for special interests, appointments, taking of medication and family time. Include weekend activities and holidays, even if they are just normal routines with blocks of ‘free time’.Having unfavoured tasks before special interests on the schedule increases compliance as the child can see when they will be able to do what they want. Give warnings for change of activity and remind what is coming up nextSchool timetableA laminated copy of the school weekly timetable should be displayed on the child’s desk or beside their desk at school. Include the school timetable either within or beside the home schedule at home – parents can go over the next school day before bedtime to mentally ‘prepare’ for the school day ahead and note any changes to routine.Last minute changes to the home schedule and school timetable should be displayed as soon as they are known and pointed out to the child to avoid

distress.

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A smaller, A4 copy of the home schedule can be placed inside the child’s school diary or iPad cover, along with a laminated, colour-coded hard copy of the school timetable, to assist children with transition between school and home.

Step 3 - Sensory/relaxation breaks ‘Real’ relaxation is when the heart rate is lowered, the mind is still, and muscles are free from tension. Sensory breaks facilitate real relaxation by removing the sensory stressors of noise, visual stimuli, people, movement and verbal communication.Sensory breaks should be scheduled into the home and school timetable. They are a proactive strategy, in that they prevent the build-up of stress, and are different from a time-out, when the child is at a high level of stress and needs to move away from a situation. When?The required frequency and duration of breaks is different for each child and can change over time. For older children, who have good insight into their escalating stress levels and triggers, sensory breaks at school can be self-initiated, however the school will need to provide clear guidelines as to how the child or adolescent accesses and uses a break. Where?Sensory breaks can be taken in a designated Sensory Break Area – a place within or just outside the classroom (within viewing range if the teacher). This area should be partly sheltered from the rest of the classroom and contain ‘tools’ to assist the child with lowering their stress level.Sensory beaks can also be taken at the child’s desk, using noise-cancelling headphones and a pre-arranged ‘calm down’ activity, such as drawing or reading.How?For younger children, a small back pack for school (separate from their school bag) containing sensory tools at their desk and to carry to specialist classrooms and in the playground can be used.

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This backpack serves as a portable ‘sensory toolbox’ and ideally contains: an iPad and charger noise reduction headphones and spare batteries sensory toys a water bottle favourite books some healthy snacks drawing/colouring materials ear plugs or ear muffs etc the Log Book

The iPad can be a useful addition to the ‘sensory toolbox’ – it may contain calming music, educational games as alternatives to classroom activities, meditation, social problem-solving and positive thinking apps and games for use as rewards for achieving behavioural goals. I recommend downloading the Smiling Mind and Gratitude Journal apps and purchasing some good noise-cancelling headphones. It is also helpful for the child to have their own email account on their iPad, for increased communication between the child, parents, teachers and therapists, so that during sensory breaks the child may be able to email an adult and record the possible trigger for the stressA Fitbit is also helpful for children to learn to self-monitor and modify their stress levels, analyse triggers and use biofeedback to calm downA home-based backpack is also useful to take on family outings, shopping expeditions or social gatherings, to use when the child’s stress level increases.

The purpose of the Sensory BreakThe long-term goal is to teach children to identify their own triggers and signs of stress, so that they can eventually self-monitor and self-manage their reactions. A ‘Stress Thermometer’ (or individual ‘Zones of Regulation’ colour chart) can be useful for younger children to allow them to identify stress levels in a non-verbal format and prompt them to take a sensory break. Linking this stress level with known triggers and appropriate tools can facilitate independent stress management.

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Step 4 - Good role models

Teachers, parents, carers and other adults in regular contact with the child are responsible for providing good role models for stress management. Children are more likely to do what you do, rather than do what you say

One of the first steps in creating a positive and predictable environment is to take stock of your own daily habits and ways of coping with your own stress. Parents and carers in particular should use the coping tools above to manage your own anxiety and share appropriate examples with the child. After all, you are the single biggest influence on your children!

Parenting programs like 123Magic (available online at 123magic.com) help parents, carers and teachers to demonstrate good impulse control and emotional regulation and provide a predictable and consistent environment. Model effective communication tools such as “Active Listening” (see Appendix).

Do not expose children to adult issues (eg finances, personal problems, separation/divorce details). It is tempting to treat children like ‘little adults’ and interact with them like defacto friends or even pseudo ‘partners’, but THEY CANNOT HANDLE IT! Many parents and carers say, “They deserve to know the truth”. No, they don’t. THEY CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Organise yourself and prioritise exercise, eating well, engaging in real relaxation and accessing social support or counselling to manage your emotions effectively and appropriately.

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Good role models can also be extended family members, mentors, teachers and aides, siblings and appropriate peers

We encourage parents and carers to obtain their own Mental Health Care Plan for several reasons:

Having a child with emotional/behavioural/learning or social issues can be extremely stressful for the family, and often a parent or carer may require individual sessions to discuss personal issues that are relevant to the child’s treatment, without the child present

Parent and carers may need to access their own psychological treatment to manage issues that are impacting on their ability to model good stress management techniques

Parents and carers often require extra support to understand the child’s behaviour based on assessment results and to facilitate the use of the child’s ‘toolbox’ at home – this is often best achieved without the child present

It is important for the family to see the child’s presenting problem as a family issue, rather than a child issue

APPENDIX

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Food - What the experts sayAs a society we are consuming way too much sugar – levels that are indeed having a toxic effect on our health.

Let’s take a moment to understand how sugar affects our bodies. So, very briefly….All carbohydrates contain sugar. But depending on their chemical structure, simple or complex, our body processes them differently.

Most simple carbohydrates are highly processed and contain refined sugars with very few vitamins and minerals. This means simply that after we consume processed foods our energy levels will increase rapidly and then come crashing down very quickly. Our bodies will begin to crave sugar because now we are feeling tired, may have a headache or are having trouble concentrating. This roller coaster of shifts in blood sugar levels will go on and on because our bodies are always looking to create balance.

Complex carbohydrates, those that appear in nature such as fruits and vegetables and whole grains, have a completely different effect on our bodies than those that are processed or include refined sugars. Because fruits and vegetables contain fibre which helps to slow digestion, the sugar they contain is absorbed into our bloodstream at a slower rate. This results in long-lasting energy and fewer ups and downs, so your body will experience less sugar cravings.

Has your child demonstrated sugar cravings? Here is a list of some of the potential effects on children’s bodies when they consume too much sugar:

Crash of energy shortly after a sugary meal or snack Headaches Nausea Irritability Inability to focus/concentrate Weight gain Excitability

In addition, high levels of sugar consumptions can cause or contribute to the following medical conditions:

Suppressed immune system Weakened eyesight Diabetes Depression Mal-absorption of calcium and magnesium

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Increase in cholesterol levels Hyperglycemia

But don’t we need sugar?

The American Heart Association recommends the amount of sugar calories you consume should not exceed half of your discretionary calorie intake for the day. Your discretionary calorie intake is the "extra" amount of calories in your daily diet that can come from foods that have little nutritional value. One teaspoon sugar = 4 grams, so 16 grams of sugar in a product = 4 teaspoons

For preschool children eating a 1,200- to 1,400-calorie diet, this translates into about 16.7 g (4 teaspoons) per day. Children ages 4 to 8 should consume less sugar—about 12.5 g (3 teaspoons) per day, because they have greater nutritional needs and have fewer discretionary calories in their daily diets. Pre-teen and teenagers should limit their intake to between 21 and 33 g (5 – 8 teaspoons) of sugar per day.

There are 50g (12 teaspoons) of sugar in ‘healthy’ sounding bottled tea. Vitamin water or Gatorade has 8 teaspoons. Flavored milk contains 10 teaspoons sugar and a can of soft drink contains 8.

There are 7 teaspoons of sugar in a small tub of flavored yoghurt ½ cup spaghetti sauce or 2 tablespoons barbeque sauce contains 3 teaspoons

sugar ‘Healthy’ snack foods like cereal or muesli bars can contain 4 teaspoons of

sugar. A serve of all Bran Wheat Flakes Honey Almond has 5 teaspoons of sugar.

“Healthful” Sugars

Remember the AHA guidelines for sugar intake are for added sugars, not for natural sugars found in carbohydrate-containing foods like fruits, dairy products and whole grains. These foods contain natural sugars, which also are known as complex carbohydrates. The body breaks these down more slowly than sugars added to cookies, cakes, pies and even salad dressings. Because your child needs complex carbohydrates for energy, these should not be eliminated from your child’s diet.

1. Unhealthy Diet and DepressionLong-term exposure to an unhealthy diet is a risk factor for depression, according to the findings of a 2014 study in the online journal PLoS One that looked at diet and depression in 3,663 people. What constituted an unhealthy diet, for purposes of the study, was one that was high in sugar and processed foods. 2. Sugar and Food AddictionResearch also hints at a link between sugar and addictive eating. For instance, a 2012 study published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders found that, of 81 obese people seeking treatment for binge eating, 57 percent met the criteria for food addiction. Foods that people were addicted to were high in fat and high in sugar.“Not surprising,” says Pagoto. “When people crave foods, they don’t reach for carrot sticks. Sweets and fats trigger the same pleasure centers in the brain that addictive drugs do.” 3. The Sugar-Stress Connection

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Stress causes your body to seek sugar as quick fuel for a surge of energy, according to the American Psychological Association."That may be why many people eat sweets when they are under stress," Pagoto says. "We teach people to use healthy behaviors to reduce stress instead of food." 4. Diet Quality and Mental Health for AdolescentsA 2014 study of more than 4,000 students in New Zealand found that a high-quality diet was associated with better mental health and a low-quality diet was associated with poor mental health. The findings were published in the European Journal of Clinical Nutrition.“The link between diet and mental health probably goes both ways," Pagoto says. "If you have mental health issues, it may make it harder for you to eat well. A poor diet may also contribute to poor mental health." 6. Mindful Eating for Better Mental Health“Eating foods high in sugar to escape a bad mood is called emotional eating," Pagoto says. "Mindful eating is the antidote to eating for escape. To eat mindfully, you learn to eat slowly, without distraction, and to savor the experience of healthy food." Research bears this out. In a review of 21 studies on mindful eating, published in the journal Obesity Reviews in 2014, 86 percent of the studies reported less binge eating and less emotional eating when mindful practices were applied

How to cut down on sugar

1. Understanding food labels is crucial in assessing how sugar filters into the family diet. The carbohydrates figure stated on all prepackaged food will also list the proportion of sugars contained. Anything under 5g of total sugars per 100g is low. More than 15g of total sugars per 100g is high and should be avoided or eaten with caution.

2. Ditch the breakfast cereals – often loaded with sugar - and choose porridge or plain weetbix instead. In the summer, bircher muesli (oats swollen and soaked in water, milk or watered down fruit juice) is a good homemade alternative. See attached ‘sugar content of cereal’ list!

3. A piece of fresh fruit or a few vegetables, high in fibre, vitamins and minerals, is by far the best option for children as the obligatory snack or lunchbox addition. Smoothies and fruity snacks contain a lot more sugar and often nowhere near as much fibre.

4. Avoid prepackaged and processed foods, such as readymade tomato sauces or curry pastes, and aim to prepare food for your family largely from scratch.

5. Choose wholegrains and pulses as the primary ingredient on the plate at lunch and suppertimes – they will fill your children up so they don’t crave snacks later on.

6. Don’t buy low-fat foods such as yogurt. They often use excessive sugar to ramp up the flavour and dupe the taste buds into tasting like the full -fat and more flavoursome version.

7. Avoid adding any sugar to food meant for savory consumption. 8. For puddings, rely on fresh, frozen or dried fruit to sweeten baked goods in lieu

of adding refined sugar. Plain yogurt flavored with fresh fruit or fruit compote is an excellent sweet treat for children.

Other tips:

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1) Eat Real FoodSummary: Eat food your great grandmother would recognise as food, eat more wholefoods and buy organic where possible.

Real food is food that your great grandmother would recognise. In the last few hundred years, our food has actually changed a great deal more than we could imagine. We assume the food and hospitality industry is driven by a desire to keep us healthy. But, in reality, our food is grown, transported, stored, and manufactured to make it last longer and be more profitable. Usually, profit and health don’t go hand-in-hand. It is becoming obvious through the dramatic rise in food allergies, food sensitivities and rates of diabetes and cancer that our profit-driven food is becoming increasingly difficult to digest! 

There is no need to worry about this or to become a crusader. All you need to do is be aware of this fact and start making different choices for yourself and your family. The first step is to start shopping on the outer rim of the supermarket the food on the outside is a little more real and will help you avoid the large majority of preservatives, additives, colours and flavours. From there, consider moving towards eating more wholefoods and buying organic where possible. 

2) Don’t Eat Too MuchSummary: Eat more slowly, chew more thoroughly and put your cutlery down between mouthfuls.

Overeating is an easy habit to fall into. And we don’t mean massive overeating. Regular, moderate overeating when we eat just a little too much at most of our meals has a big effect on our digestion. Whenever we eat, we need to leave enough room in our stomach for the food to churn. Otherwise, it will not be digested properly and we will be left with undigested food waste that accumulates in our gastrointestinal tract, affects our absorption of goodies and elimination of wastes. Overtime, it can also affect our secretion of enzymes and gastric juices damaging our very capacity to digest food. 

The trick to not overeating is becoming a little more mindful at each meal - bringing your awareness and attention to the colours, tastes, flavours and textures of your meal, eating more slowly, chewing more thoroughly and putting your cutlery down between mouthfuls. If you do this, you will be more likely to notice when you have had enough, and to be more satisfied by what you have eaten. We all know this in our hearts but it has been scientifically proven now too!3) Eat More Plants, Less MeatSummary: Eat more fruits, vegetables, legumes and pulses and less meat. Cook your meat with herbs and spices to make it easier to digest.

The third guideline is to eat more plants (more fruits, veggies, legumes and pulses) and a little less meat. Plants are lighter and easier to digest than meat and contain more fibre, which keeps things moving well in our gastrointestinal tract. When you do eat meat you can make it easier to digest by using delicious spices like turmeric, ginger, garlic, cumin, coriander and black pepper or herbs like rosemary, oregano, basil, tarragon, fresh coriander and so on. Meat prepared as curries, casseroles and

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soups is also generally easier to digest than steaks. 

4) Drink More Water & Herbal TeasSummary: Drink less coffee, alcohol and soft drinks and more room-temp or warm water and herbal teas.

Finally, drinking room temperature or warm water throughout the day as well as herbal teas will do wonders for your digestion and general overall health. It is best to sip just small amounts at meal times so you don’t dilute your gastric juices. At the same time, you should avoid cold drinks and soft drinks.

It’s more about what you cut out – sugar and processed food:

Essential Resources:“They Are What You Feed Them”, Dr Alex Richardson (available online) and

“That Sugar Film” (available at JB HiFi)

Lunch/dinner ideasRoast: a tray full of veggies cut up to roughly the same size cubes with a drizzle of olive oil and sprinkled with any herbs or spices you like. Serve with pan-fried meat, chicken, fish or turkey.Steam: a pan full of sliced broccoli, bok choy, capsicum, snow peas, sugar snap peas, sliced corn and asparagus and serve with meat, chicken, fish or turkey and riceSlice: lettuce, tomato, cheese, ham or cooked chicken, cucumber, avocado and hard-boiled egg and arrange on a plate with wholemeal bread on the side. Chop: ‘fingers’ of celery, carrot, beans, cheese and capsicum and serve with store-bought hommus or tzatziki or home-made dipsBoil: wholemeal pasta or brown rice and serve with any of the above combinations of veggiesPoach: eggs and serve on wholemeal toast with avocadoes, cherry tomatoes and fruitMash: boiled potatoes, sweet potatoes, peas and any other boiled veggies together with lots of butter!And for dessert – fruit platter and/or plain yoghurt or rice crackers with cheese/cream cheese dipExtra flavour – for adults and adventurous kids, add spices to meat/chicken/fish, before cooking such as sumac, Baharat or ras el hanout (I promise these things are available at Maxi!) or seed/nut mixes as a seasoning to sprinkle on salads, like za’atar or dukkah or your own combination. Add herbs to final dishes, such as basil, coriander, flat-leaf parsley or dill, or sprinkle veggies with rosemary, thyme or oregano and olive oil before roasting. Spices and herbs are great for digestion.Note on grains – lots of kids do not like wholemeal or grain bread. Try them with the soft, ‘hidden fibre’ varieties or toast the bread and cut it into little cubes like croutons to sprinkle over food. Cous cous, quinoa, buckwheat, brown rice and other grains can also be difficult to

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serve plain, so you may have to do some researching for simple recipes to incorporate these items into your meal plan more regularly. Other tips – get them when they’re weak! Place a bowl full of cut up veggies (carrot, celery, capsicum, cherry tomatoes, beans, snow peas etc) and wholemeal rice crackers in front of them while they are watching TV or in the car after school (you may have to ban devices until later on so they have a free hand). They will munch on veggies/grains without even thinking about it and will not have to eat so many veggies/grains at dinner. The same goes for a fruit platter after dinner. And have a drink bottle full of water with them at all times. Don’t worry about ‘trying new things’. Just do what works. Of course feel free to introduce new items on occasion. And having porridge for dinner for example is also OK if other meals/snacks have high veggie/meat content. Lead by example!

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Food Chartmon tues wed thurs fri sat sun

How many serves of vegetables? (5 recommended)

How many serves of fruit?

(2 recommended)How many serves

of grains?(5 recommended)How many serves

of dairy?(2½ recommended)How many serves

of protein?(2½ recommended)

How much discretionary sugar –ie sugar outside

the pyramid?(less than 30g recommended)

How many glasses of water?

(6 recommended)Examples of a ‘serve’

Vegetables - ½cup cooked green or orange vegetables, corn or potato, 1 cup raw/salad vegetables

Fruit – I medium (apple banana, orange, pear) or 2 small (kiwi, apricot, plum) fruits

Grains – (wholemeal if possible) I slice of bread, ½ roll, ½ cup cooked rice, pasta, noodles, polenta, porridge, ¼cup muesli

Dairy – 1 cup milk, 2 slices cheese, ¾ cup unflavoured yoghurt Protein – 65g lean meat, 80g chicken, 100g fish, 2 eggs, I cup legumes/beans,

30 nuts or seedsExamples of sugar content of foods

Flavoured yoghurt – 19g Energy drinks, iced tea and

vitamin water – 32g - 40g BBQ sauce – 13g in 2

tablespoons Fat-free salad dressing – 40g

Pasta sauce – 12g in ½ cup Soft drink – 39g in a can Muesli bars – 12g Cereals – Coco Pops – 39g,

Sultana Bran – 31g

Tips for increasing serves of vegetables – vegetable soup, dips and raw vegies, or vegetable fritters for lunch or after school snack

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Active ListeningActive ListeningActive listening is a vital part of parenting. Active listening is a communication tool that can help parents and children speak with each other clearly and be understood. This document defines active listening skills and demonstrates how to use these skills to strengthen communications between you and your child. Three types of responses in active listeningActive listening is about focusing on the person who is speaking. An active listener needs to focus full attention on the person who is speaking. The way parents can show they are actively listening is to do the following

• ask good questions,

• listen non-judgmentally,

• paraphrase, and

• empathise with their child.

First, as a parent, you train yourself to ask questions in a way that allows your child to feel comfortable about answering truthfully, and about using his or her own words. Second, you restate what you heard to make sure that you understood what your child was saying. Finally, you need to take the time to see things through your child's eyes and get some understanding of how your child is experiencing a given situation.

Asking questionsOften questions can seem accusing or blaming to the person asked. A question may make the person feel backed into a corner. For example, if a parent asks his or her child, "You didn't like the movie, did you?" it is clear that the parent does not approve of the movie and, if the child did like the movie, he or she ends up feeling the need to defend his or her position. Consider how much easier it would have been to respond to the question "What did you think of the movie?" And once your child has expressed an opinion, rather than giving yours, ask more questions to encourage your child’s further thinking.

Active listening requires the speaker to look at the hidden meaning behind the question. People often ask questions that might make others feel pressured into coming up with the correct response. For example, you might feel pressured when someone close to you asks, "Do you think I have gained weight?" These types of questions tend to put the person being asked on the defensive. Often the person may shut off communication in order to protect him or herself.

In order to be a good active listener, you need to make sure that you ask questions honestly and sincerely. And that the intent behind questioning is to understand rather than advice, criticise, or pry (the prosecuting attorney approach). Through this process, child will also understand their own thinking by fostering decision-making and planning skills. Active-listening questions intend to:

Clarify meanings: "I hear you saying you are frustrated with Johnny, is that right?" Learn about others thoughts, feelings, and wants: "Tell me more about your ideas for the

project." Encourage elaboration: "What happened next?" or "How did that make you feel?" Encourage discovery: "What do you feel your options are at this point?" Gather more facts and details: "What happened before this fight took place?"

Asking questions: a self-evaluationYou can be fairly sure you are using active listening effectively if you:

Do not assume you know what your child means; don't try complete the child’s statements or say, "I know just how you feel."

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Ask for clarification with questions such as: "What did you mean when you said I have been unfair to you?" or "You said she's crazy what do you mean by crazy? What does she do that is crazy?"

Check your tone for sincerity. As you are talking to your child, check that your tone of voice matches your feelings and body language. For example, a parent may sound angry when in reality he or she is concerned for his or her child. However, because the child hears anger he or she becomes more defensive and shuts the parent out.

Ask open-ended questions that allow for a variety of responses. If you ask closed-ended questions, you limit the range of responses and suggest that you already know what is going to be said.

Show interest in the speaker and the conversation by saying, "Tell me more about that" or "Keep going, I'm following you."

Don't give advice until after you have asked for the child's opinions on the situation, as in "What are some possible solutions to this problem?" or "What do you think should happen?"

Paraphrasing (re-stating)Paraphrasing is a tool a you can use to make sure that you understand the message that you think your child is sending. It is restating the information you just received to make sure you understand it. For example, your child says, "I hate maths and the teacher because she never lets us do anything cool!" You might say, "It sounds like you’re having a hard time with maths and that makes you feel frustrated and bored."

This technique helps parents and children communicate in several ways.

First, it helps parents make sure they understood the message correctly. Second, by restating or paraphrasing, parents draw further information from their child. Third, paraphrasing allows the child to know that his or her parents have heard them and are

interested in what he or she has to say. Fourth, it allows the child an opportunity to correct any misunderstanding immediately. The

following are examples of paraphrasing dialogues (paraphrased responses are italicized):

Example 1: A mother and son are discussing how much TV he should watch during the week.

Mom: "Mike, I'm concerned about how much you've been playing video games and watching television lately. I think we need to set up some kind of schedule to make sure you are finishing your homework and doing other things besides playing video games and watching television."

Son: "But reality shows don't get repeated and if you miss an episode you're lost! And I've got to keep up on my gaming too. All my friends watch this much television and play the same games I do."

Mom: "You'll feel like you're missing out on something if you don't watch all the shows and play all the games your friends do."

Son: "Yes!! Then I'll be the big loser who doesn't know what everyone else is talking about, and loses when I play video games."

Mom: "If you don't know what your friends are talking about, you're afraid you won't fit in and they'll make fun of you."

Son: "Exactly, Mom! That's why I have to watch TV and play video games."

Mom: "Hmm, I can see that TV and video games are important to you. Can you tell me which shows you and your friends like best and when they are on? And, which two video games are the most important to you? What might be some healthy alternatives you can do instead of watching TV and playing video games with your friends on a 'free' night? (favorite sports to play/fun outdoor activities)

Example 2: A father and daughter discuss curfew.

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Dad: "Dawn, I'd like for you to come home at 1 a.m. from this party tomorrow night."

Dawn: "Dad, there is just no way. The party is until 2 a.m. and I have to be there until the end.

Dad: "It sounds like this party is a big deal for you, and that being there until the end is important."

Dawn: "Yeah! Jason will be there...and there's going to be a live band...and all my friends will be there! Dad, you just have to let me stay until 2.

Dad: "You're excited about the party and want to make sure you have every opportunity to hang out with your friends and Jason."

Dawn: "Yes, I can't come home before 2."

Dad: "I get that this party means a lot to you, and I am concerned about your safety. Let's get more details about this party--and your ride there and back--and see if we can work something out were both comfortable with."

EmpathisingEmpathising means that you (as a parent) have the ability to put yourself in your child's shoes. To empathise you must ignore your own, adult perception of the situation for the moment and accept your child’s feelings, thoughts, and ideas of the situation as yours. See it through a child's eyes--during your discussion.

Empathising does not mean you need to agree with your child.

Empathising does not mean you need to give in to your child, or allow her or him to set her or his own rules to avoid confrontation.

Empathising means you do not dismiss what your child says as ridiculous or silly. Your acceptance of your child's thoughts, ideas, and feelings increase the chance that your child will talk to you about the problems and issues that he or she is facing.

It is easy to know when you are being empathic because:

1. Your body language and tone match

2. Your tone and your feelings match

3. You are focused on what your child is saying and meaning. You are trying to see things from your child's point of view which requires that:

You do not impose your feelings, thoughts, and ideas throughout the conversation You refrain from immediately giving advice You are tired after listening because it takes a great deal of energy You ask yourself if you would make that same statement to an adult. If not then think twice

about making it.

Results from active listening

Active listening takes time and practice and does not produce results overnight. Usually, each time you and your child talk, your conversation will get easier and will include

more active listening-- not just from you but also from your child. You, as the adult, have to lead the way.

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