Carlos A. SanchezMs. BrisseNA Lit 1April 15, 2015

Not Alone

People only care about themselves. But this is not true. Or in the very least, I can say this is not true from one instance. Statistics tell me my conclusion could be wrong, and logically I cannot assert that, since I will probably not meet everyone in the world. Ignore the details for now, is what I say. Reroll my life back to my first memory of a friend. Third grade perhaps?First day of school begins. All right, I thought. Calm down. This cant be that terrible. After all, I am a straight A student. Its only once every year that we have to experience this same mess of fearful emotions towards teachers. Or perhaps it could have simply been what I wanted to believe. I dismiss any comments said to me by peers that morning; it would have only been for mocking how I dressed or how I was nerdy. While on this topic of dismissing comments, allow me to explain why I had, since my younger years, attained such a negative view of the world as if it were a monster out to get me. Since kindergarten, most of my peers acquired a sort of hatred for me out of the blue. Maybe it was because I was physically weak? Maybe it was because I wasnt as social as children of my age?I arrived at school every day, nine oclock in the morning, with the whole cafeteria filled with people eating breakfast. But it was not a lovely sight. As I sat down on the side of the table, people would yell insults out at me. Look who arrived? The teachers pet!The who?The nerdy little kid with glasses.Can you guysThat was really it. Afterwards, they would proceed to make fun of me, all the while swearing at me with some Spanish words. I have no idea, but I can say for certain that it lead through to a depressing stage of my life, already at the age of five, and uncertain of what would happen in the later stages of my life. There was, however, one peer, Chase, that gave me hope for seeing life through a new lens. Maybe it was only reason I ever remember the event in the first place. Regardless, I approach the new kid in my third grade class, noticing that his future at this wretched school would be the same one that I had when I entered into kindergarten. I was determined, even as a feebly minded child, to not let another person fall into this terrible trap of social outcastism. As I approached this new kid, I knew there, at that exact instance, that this was another person like me, another who had suffered the humiliation, the torture, and the dishonor that others had placed upon him.I asked, Hey whats your name? This kid seemed disturbed. Maybe I scared him away? That was too harsh perhaps. He carries the same saddened stare of torture. It looks the same As he shyly gathered his belongings, I noticed that he had carried the same types of items I would have carried. From that list, a boatload of pencils, a sketchbook, a specialty set of drawing pencils, a journal, and the rest schoolwork. I suppose he also carried a lock pick, but that isnt something I should really be saying.I dont exactly remember what happened next. I only know for certain, that the rush of excitement, and the joy that had developed from finally not feeling alone was back. I could, if only for one person, trust a peer again. Happiness once again?It was certain that throughout the years, a new form of friendship would emerge from the situation. One that started from simple Hellos and Byes to Whats up C and Lets meet up on Friday, right? The rest of the years pass by like a breeze, the only memorable times being those, which I did not deal with my class. Art was what changed me. I shared Chases ambition for art, and as a result, see my art evolve into a masterpiece, seeing the similar interests between us collide and clash on different canvases. What had once been an interest only in space exploration had now become mixed with Chases interest of nature and biology, almost resembling alien like features. Chases style had changed from purely natural to now being far more imaginative, almost like he had entire worlds in his head. It was the way for us to express ourselves even with all the oppression that had existed. Fifth grade was when my reality set in. This ultimate happiness was only temporary, though in the very least, the reality I had decided to live with, but as life is, not all things are meant to be. But I know this is a bad mentality. As my grades had stayed consistent, Chase had begun his way to pursue interests in art, while I had taken up photography as my form of expression. I was no longer the amazing artist I had been in third grade. My skills fell behind, and while my skills were enough to impress my art teacher in third grade, I had lost them due to my own misfortunes. I had begun desiring what I could not have, and that was to longer feel lost in my class. I had been placed below my peers in terms of artificial social ranking. The insults that once were verbal were now ones that were physicalWhat is the problem with that kid? He doesnt seem to get it.I dont get what?Youre such a pushover Am I?Get down and bow!Bow?As ridiculously stupid as the situation sounds, I thoroughly remember the details that happened next. I let my guard down. And I left myself vulnerable At that moment, this kid, named Leonardo, throws his entire lunch at me, covering me with remains of have eaten food and ultimately ruining my only birthday gift that Chase had given me, which were my shoes. They had never really been worth much in money, but in emotion they were full of worth. As time slowed, I could only hear the children laughing in the background, none of them caring, other than laughing. What could I expect from them? They were only children.While Chase had told me that the incident was not a big deal, it left an emotional scar, even if not many people seemed to have taken it seriously. I had already been bullied enough, but to later be embarrassed by an entire class and have had nobody by my side (Chase was not in the moment) had done nothing less than remind me of what the world really was for me. What occurred in the bathroom would be even more physical that same day. I had the same child, Leonardo punch me in the face, and that had been my last straw. If I had learned anything from Chase, it was to not submit to oppressors, but to resist. I hit the kid back, though it no longer made any emotional difference. I had ultimately been broken, and while I had retaliated physically, it had sent me down to the emotional depths of hell, and I had begun distrusting once again. Although Chase had been my best friend, I failed to see how he could not understand what happened to me. I started distancing myself from him, only so that a couple months down the road, I would become good friends with him again. And all was well as long as I never spoke out. And this was my life.Progressing through what seemed like a long and boring year of my old school was sixth grade. This was the final year at this school. I had successfully stood the test of time at this school and was ready to set forth on a new stage of my life. It all seemed too easy and I was right. For while I had thought everything would be all right, progressing onto seventh grade and acquiring that freedom had its final price: that would be taking my friend away. Not intentionally of course well whom do I lie to and convince that? No one. It was intentional, it could not be explained any other way, said my twelve-year-old self. It would be difficult once again arriving to a new school and making friends once again. While I had developed skills that would later help me, I was still rather haunted by the terrors that had once roamed my earlier childhood. The fear of being rejected. The fear of people. The fear of loneliness. This mindset dictated the latter days of my childhood, as I wanted to mess with no one and stay away from the general crowd. After the end of the coming year, my best friend was leaving Chase was finally leaving. But I didnt remember him as Chase, as I knew far better than his name. People would also make fun of him, but I never understood why. Perhaps it is the harshness of the world and I was wrong to believe it, but I believe there is more to life than a crappy school with a crappy beginning. Despite this, I find myself having difficulty believing it. I stand here in my life, trying to prove that kindness, care, and love exist in the world. May this be a misunderstanding? Or may this just be the illusion the world presents. I choose to believe that the qualities of love certainly exist, even if the world fails to prove them for me Or if it does later

A New BeginningI only arrived at school at school three days ago. The teachers were new, and so were students. The new school facilities were impressive, yet felt lacking in emotion, and I wasalmost saddened by its vast emptiness. All appeared okay to me, but too saddening, never as I had wanted it to be. All my academic strengths at Breck were dropped by at least a full letter grade. I had fallen from a straight A student to one that had a mixture of Bs and As. I got my first C in a history class, but it was not a grade I deserved. Had my teacher understood that I lacked the resources to finish the project, I would have never received that grade, or at the very least, the teacher wouldnt have thought I was lazy. I lost confidence in teachers being my friends after that point. In elementary school, where Id be praised or told I was doing well, even the scolding that teachers would sometimes give was not that terrible. I felt like they were only looking out for own good. At Breck, teachers felt more concerned on raising their students grades and not really like they cared about their students. They were also far less understanding, since it seemed like they assumed that everybody who went to Breck was from some wealthy family. I never was wealthy, and I didnt own a huge library of books or such to say I was knowledgeable. The books I even do have I was fortunate enough to have since they are expensive for me. I learned by my own, but it seemed Breck teachers frowned upon this. Are they my friends? No, they are only there to teach material, but not to be relied upon for help any longer.As for the social aspect of my life, I had become really anxious about trusting people. This was the result of countless years of torture and embarrassment in elementary school, from which I was later diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. This was noticeable in the way I would retreat myself from large crowds and I would avoid anybody whom I felt would judge me critically enough. This was later to include anything such as presenting and informing people. And it was evident in the way I interacted with anybody whom I didnt know, and this would also apply for relationships. I would assume this was a result of my distrust of people since I would be bullied on a daily basis at my previous school. So much for new beginnings of peace and paradise, I thought. But life has a funny way of making up for this.I had, in the very least, made some new friends, which was all I had wanted in the beginning. Josh Langendorf had first greeted me, and while he agreed I was weird, at least he made me feel welcome. Maybe it was okay that I moved on from chase and made new friends? Or at least, I was not to be alone for too long between the transition periods from school. I was never entirely sure if my luck was to last too long. The sad part was, I wasnt wrong doubting myself either. By the fourth week of school, Josh announced that he would not be going to Breck past eight grade. I was not only distraught by more anxiety than before, but my mood had darkened beyond a point I had seen before. Only negative thoughts flashed through my eyes, a remembrance of everything that was wrong with the world since the beginning, and the only thing I could think of was that I had no power to do anything about it. What would I do now since I barely know people? Will I have a close friend again? This is probably going to be the same as my old school. I feel like an outsider I wont be able to make any more friends if he leaves since. And that is where it ended. The same way Chase had left me, so would Josh. There was no point in trying to deny that fact. So I made a promise to myself that I would not become too close of friends with Josh, as it would only be a pain in the future. But one can only keep a plan like that working for so long. As Josh had been the first person I had met, he also did the favor of introducing me to everyone I know at Breck today, and perhaps even people that are no longer, my current friends. Naturally, Josh had become my new best friend, and the wound of friendship that Chase had left had been healed once more. But alas, I had forgotten this: there was only one year left before his departure to a new school. So as I got used to the new school, which wasnt so new anymore, I had noticed that the behavior I had experienced at my previous school was not really present at Breck. There was no longer the popular kid who would get everything exactly the way he wants it with his peers. There wasnt major scale bullying as I had experienced previous. There werent even the stupid insults that people would toss around at each other. Maybe if there was, I didnt notice it. But the dangers of this were quickly presenting themselves, as my mind was now free to think of other things such things that would utterly demolish my current state of content, though not intentionally. And it wasnt to make my life any worse but to improve upon it. That was the act of love.Let not my life fall into a hole so deep I cannot climb out of. This philosophy of mine was flawed. For one, the trust issues I used to have were still existent, but I could now make new friends with a wide variety of people while I maintained the status as a new kid at Breck. Or so I thought. It would only be a matter of time when the groups of friends would emerge, and I could see the clear separation between peoples. In a way, it was perhaps a good form of keeping people with similar interests with each other. This would prevent fights and arguments like the ones at my previous school, which were mainly a result of teachers putting peers who hated one another right next to each other. However, it made the one thing every stupid young teenager thinks about very difficult, and that was the pursuit of a romantic relationshipJosh had said I should talk to her by April of seventh grade. People were utterly stressed for taking finals and not knowing their grades, and I was sure that everyone would love to have some time for relaxing. No one in his or her right mind would deny that. This wouldnt stop Josh from suggesting the dumb thing of asking her out during this time period.So I heard that you like that girl Josh said, poking fun at the fact I liked a girl.Perhaps, but I lack the courage to do such things as that. Last time I did that atmy old school, the girl laughed at me and the whole class made fun of me for it. Why bring up whats old? This is new for you and I think you should!And so he pushed me into the odd crowd of girls that I had never talked to. They looked startled, almost as much as how a fishs face looks when you take on the aquarium glass. Josh had talked to these girls before, and so he saw no issue with it. How could I talk to girls when the only experience I ever had with girls was them making fun of me?! Its all about learning and seeing whats out there, and how wrong could Josh be? So I approached her, the girl who I had never spoken to once in my life, and whom would be the first person to experience the most awkward interaction of any boy in her grade. It was only natural though. I was young, stupid, and not used to the societal rules that must be followed when dating some girl. The first mistake was done however, and that was that I had not known much about her and as such, proceeded to utterly embarrass myself in front of this girl. Ill say that was itA new year had commenced at Breck. I was now an eight grader and I knew far better than to act like a total idiot in front of girls. So I gave it my best shot once again. Josh approved, as his eyes lightened with excitement at what had happened.So she said yes?? as he proceeded to laugh. I knew you would do it!I wouldnt celebrate too much Im still awkward and nervous around herWhy worry? You did the hardest thing already! as he started heading towards class.I dont know as I slowly smiled. Perhaps I was excited too.Oh, and you also wont be too bad off now, would you be. Itll be fine with eight grade for you.He had been wrong about both things. The first was that my first relationship was awkward and terrible, and it was bound to break apart anyway. The second was that Josh saying this reminded me of the fate he would have: I would not see him for quite a while, the same as Chase. The confusion of thoughts in my head had only been getting worse and worse by each day that passed after Josh had said that. Her and I were the awkward eighth grade couple, and it was only three months after I had asked her out that it would tear apart. For some odd reason, it left me dark. It was only one month before school would end, and now I had no relationship with that girl I had met just a couple months ago, and Josh would not be going to Breck anymore. Why me?! I had dug myself a hole so deep I could not climb out alone. Only the darkness enveloped the last of a chance for rescue in this final hour. I didnt care too much about my status at this point. It was only the fact I had now lost two people I cared about. School had ended, but I did not care that I was getting into the Upper School or the fact that school started. I just wanted to cease existing at the moment, but as had happened before, life had its way of repairing itself. Darkness over darkness can only endure so much before some light makes its way through. To me this was the start of an entire new year in upper school.

The LightNinth grade had started. Once again, I had started from a clean slate, and I could learn to rebuild my life once more. Could this possibly be my chance? Let the process start over again But this time not. It was only a matter of time till I realized that ninth grade had only been different because of one reason, and that was from perspective. It had been the essence of everything I saw. It was, the crme du la crme. While I would admit that all the terrible things that occurred in life for me were terrible, they would never have haunted me like the past ghosts they were had I seen it differently. For me, I had been living a life where the colors of the window from which I saw had been dulled. No warmth was in the colors I had seen, and of all the recollections I had, I only focused on the distortions of the image I had seen through. All the chromatic aberrations the window produced, and all the distortion and noise the ideas made, were all at the focus point of my life. But I no longer needed to focus on the negative.While I had been afraid in the past, I should have gotten rid of it. Perhaps Ill never fully get rid of the negativity that had been the center of my life. Nothing is daisies and flowers, but that is all right by me. The only thing I needed to stop the cycle of sadness was to start with learning to accept that things happen for a reason. Whether I may always like these reasons is a separate issue. The only instances I could remember from ninth grade on are those of issues. My grades surely reduced during these years, but like I had argued before, I find the irony in this situation. For the price of grades, I received a wisdom that school could never teach me, and an experience that I would always remember. This was love and kindness. It doesnt matter what others think, as long as there is someone that could help me along on my journey.The last shot of a picture is what life felt like at this point. The pinnacle of my journey had been this throughout high school. Surly there will be light for others moments far greater in magnitude than my high school years, but this will do for now.And one last thing Never let the light die inside and embrace the change, exactly like my reflection demonstrates.

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