a time for ashes
DESCRIPTION
Poetry and graphics by Gail D Whitter. A daughter's tribute to her mother who struggled and passed with breast cancer.TRANSCRIPT
for my Mom, Gladys
1915-1980
because true giftsare always remembered
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falling from her bookso small a sunflowerlisten to its song …
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IT BEGINS IN THE EGG
illegitimatethis subterranean crabengendering itselfsculpting allthat it touchesto take on its own
sucking your warm breathsensuous breastcrevicesdisordering your sensescell upon celluntil you wearits molecular structurelike a badge
& afterbegins the well-triedcancer-can-bebeaten propaganda -its unrelenting furyof stats & factsinterferes in your affairslike a verb
nowhere does itdescribe the pain …
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AMAZON QUEEN
you grip your chest- the left breasttied where it was tornsutures warmcatacombed undernarcotic gag& outer wrappingsprotrusive likethe hair of medusa
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THE PAVILION
where sufferingis not personalwhere behind every dooris a pallid facean insecure smilereminiscent of sour-walled auschwitz
a monochromaticgovernment-fundedsahara of womenconcealed like ancestral sinsby earthbound godlings& incestuous machinesslow to the kill
while you & i knowother women’s skullsribs & vertebraevibrate still in open graves- their protruding armsraised in protestexposing the private agonies& other fits of madnesswe all live within
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WITHOUT WARNING
i rememberthe sacrificewhen you told me
death no longerhas to be looked for …
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CAUTIOUS
you - differentfrom the othersbecause you write so wellor make me laugh
i have no hardness sometimes
& sometimesi become small, inexpensivein some closed chrysalissome unclassified spacethat only you provide
& sometimesi say all the right wordsunlearn to breathe& do not move
for fear
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MEMES
soft as pigeon wingthis flesh-toned ovallumped in itsimmeasurablyempty cup
unbalanced
nipple-lessthis silicone cast-offtit-propheat-resistantshock-absorbenti hold
holding my ownerect breastits nipple hard& round betweentwo probing fingerslike a small pink beada small pink o
- imagine the rest
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A PART OF THE WHOLE
once upon a timewe were the sameyou & iour shadows sometimescrossing oversharing the same appetitefor italian foodlate, late movies& a perfect truthour womanbonesalive with the samerich, red wise-bloodmy gesturesspeech & solemn poseexactly like yoursquick to embracepeople, treesstars& a certain hostility - bored easily with fools& sometimes men
together we shared thesame ritualistic behavioursrespect for beauty& fear’s sharp snakethere were no impossibilitiesno hollow victoriesno stone unturned& in our strengthasked little or nothing
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NO UNIVERSE IS BIGGER
she may have only onebut it’s a handfulsays the husband
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THE CLINIC
In Her Own Words
wasting precious energiesi am like a child againcradled in this sterile cubiclewhere the only decisionone can makeis that they are hereamong the whitecoatswith their slick smilesgrey flannel hairstriped silk ties& leather shoessidesteppingthe endless corridors& covering their ignorancewith silver-plated switchblades& rumours of things to come
a tribe of crows
even in deaththey prosper
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SPINNER
eight horny little handshauling & pullingtwisting & windingweaving & unweavingan endless meditationlike a womanthrough the arms& legs of her lover -reminiscent of the silkenumbilical cords of childhoodcat’s cradleowl’s eyeswitch’s broomsuggestively defensiveloosened, yet never undone -built to elude the fevers& phantoms& now scattered with rawbroken feastsi imagine her soft webwrapped round my bodyacross the breastsaround the hipswhile she gently walksthe endless labyrintheast to westnorth to south
only youacknowledge the power of her powerlessness
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ALMOST KIND
even the crowshad thick tongues& didn’t say a word
didn’t say how theangry red moonhung like a hang man’s head
or the rose[almost the same]leaned her bony limbsagainst the pane
pointing in
there were no prayersno trace of wind
only this last patch of snowin the shape of a turtle
going home
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RANSOMED
i got you back - pushing asidethe medical refuse& powerlessness
I got you back -packed your winter clothes& prepared this room to shelter youin warmer nights& children’s laughter
i got you back -
& with pretended easegave death a place
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MIRROR MIRROR
under the sudden floodof fluorescent lightyou faced yourselfas one would face anotherexposing the lost bridedispassionate womanwitchholy cronethe thorn of your breastreflecting all women beforeall women after
it was thenyou cast off your name& stopped using eyesto see
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THE SILENCE THAT HAS NO NAME
the silence in which we move- whenever we moveshifts it’s great weightanother inchinching into niches
between before & after
the silence in which we movecaught in the crossfire ofhalf-talk & rationed daysleaves us unable to find the old paths
the silence in which we moveuncommon - wherein every thoughtcomes too closeconspiring with usto betray each other - spare ourselves
… even now
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JUNKIE
every four hoursthese spear pointsof sweet morphiahermetically seal you off
you who survivedtwisted bowelsscarlet fever& cheap bottled wars
hanging on by your teeth
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
delicate & bruised& laid out like paper -open & defencelessbeyond all knowledgeof this hostile enchantment
& powerless to wake or moveyet moving further& further awayfrom what matters …
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EVERY GO[OD] BOY DESERVES FUDGE
dispossessedyour husband staysin his roomwithout shamewithout honourcounting the hoursthe daysthe labourswhile november growsmore insistentchilling
& there he eatsin the purgatoryof his seventy-two years
& he cannot leave& he has no choicebut to deny
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SURRENDER
In Her Own Words
… never scold your daughtersdaughters are like sparrows
our daughter bends herlong leanness over me& with harlequin gestureunbinds the tensionthe brittle binding
her tortoise-shell eyeslike twin green seaslocked in their sockets
her thin bird fingersduck in & outanoint my gaunt body
feathers of bloodembers of sacrifice
& you can almost seewhat the antisepticwon’t wash away
& you wonder whather hands did before
& perhaps you love hera little more
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THIS IS MY BODY
In Her Own Words
enough is enough
no morehigh-voltage chemocatscansexperimental drugsherbal curesshow & tell sessionsmegadose vitaminsalmonds & carrot juice
no morehallucinationsbad solutionsunjustified violationsillegible scriptures
no more the common spiel of cause-effect & probability
enough coffee-ground vomitgangrenous bileburnt orifices
it’s past negotiationthere are no grays
no one knows timemore intimately
& i want out
if only to dieknowing …
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THE PRIMAL SADNESS
it took them ten months& four daysto hear your ragged scream
ten months& four days
to give youthis one brief momentof dignity
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MEDICINE HUNT
monkshoodhemlocknightshade
you dare meto pick them
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MOTHERTONGUE
In Her Own Words
i may have been madeof sugar & spicebut lately unlikesnow white or thequeen of heartsi am the haunted hagthe wicked witchcheated of the pyrethe rack
no bag of tricksno hocus-pocusno sleight-of-hand
no abracadabra have i
& unlike the fairytalei have no throneno dowryno golden ball
i threw them all away …
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SO FAST LOSING LIGHT
just when i’d reached an agewhen you couldknow me& knowinglove me& lovingtouch me
it hurts to beso small
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NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO DIE
In Her Own Words
there will be no bored morticianno rose-windowed chapelno satin-lined casketcushioned with carnation moons
no cemetery of names will hold mei want no black mantillano gossips with crumbling faces& momentary tears
envelope me in petals of pansyperiwinkle & rose& new shoots of yew
commit this confining huskto open flame & soilfor earth’s i am & fireshall light my way
honour my passagewith dancing & feastinglaughter & songfor it is springfirst season of my dying
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FINAL GIFT
all night longwatching the pale prisonof your bodygive over
this new realitythis real unrealtoo near for you to see
i am wide-eyed& afraid & in a darkthat never saw the sun
huddled by your bedpushing crushed iceinto your mouth of dust
your breath against my own
while grief roars upthrough breast & bonefrom the bottom of my bellyto root like stone
all night longwatchingwaiting
because women alwayshelp each other dieknowing the memorywill be important
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EVEN IN THE MOON
curled like a fisther gaunt facegrows indifferent& so with youold serpent moon
come the dawnyou too, shall beborn in another
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AS I LEAVE YOU
In Her Own Words
he comes
his immediate feverenters my dilated bodylike some raging rapist
already these raw eyesunreflectiveunable to see my ownsavage foreignness
colours have faded
a greasy potion oozesfrom these frayedflaws & fissuresas his jaw closes round me
each breath taking me deeper& deeper …
smells of bloodof earth …
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LAST RITES
one last timeyou open emaciated armslet me into the motherwarm
you don’t sayreaching outis difficult
i don’t sayit hurts to go on …
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WANDERING DAYS
i taste moonbloodhecate’s tongueinside mine
i see around usthe bruised earthreseeding
& i walkretreating intosolitude
every stepa prayer …
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LITTLE GIRL LOST
far above the dust & dinof ordinary traffic& those places wherethe others aresipping their whiskey& water
i am three, five & sevenhere, in my safe place[this room was yours]rummaging broken drawers& unlit wardrobesfor the warm you left behind
i am nine, eleven, thirteenspinning in the full-length mirrorthat turns young women into things
waiting for you to come homesometimes fearfulsometimes furious
& now a starker ageof almost twenty-somethingi am trying on your favouritered stiletto heels
but already my feet too big
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ASHES TIME
cowardbecause i cannot let gobrave becausei wait …
[these animal emotionsare not throughwith you]
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THE LONG WAKE
stepbystepfather’sslipperedfeetfalldownthehallwayto thismomentwhen his blueheartopenshearsitselfdropto this momentwhenwe cannolongeravoideach otherwhenwehavetobegin …
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OMEGA
your eyesthighfamilial ribyour lipshipssoft bellyyour wombi will plant deep& tell earth my strength was not courage- was love
& after
the seven seaswill rise
wash it all away …
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HOPE CHEST
i turn the keyforce open the lidas one lays open a ribcagefeeling the wounded heartin every direction
i lay open the lid& mingled with the scentof sacred cedarfind smudged baby shoeshandknit sweaters& two patchwork rabbitswhose loose flesh liecupped around scrapsof working-class poverties& early motherhood
when you possessed me best
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SNAPSHOTS
I
my eye slices acrossa rare prairie orchidin dusty barefeet& a worn handmedown dresstwo sizes too largestifledobedientperfectly politein her seventh year
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i step over a shoeboxof unknown black & whiteswho somehow beara reflection of mein their pioneer eyes -
these tooare desperate days
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they forced youto pose with them- you’re the dying onecradling my infant sonwith his smile of summer& your eyes of regret
there will be children to teachus what we can’t teach ourselves
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YOU NEVER KNEW
sacrificial love
what i know about gods
my deepest ecstasiesjealousies & anxieties
you never knew
about unicorns& this wildernessi play in
the perceptionsdreamsmagic & mysteriesinside my self
you named all things i am
yet never knew
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IN THE NAME OF THE MOTHER
resurrected from heruterine worldever-green persephonepours her blessings
& when no one is lookingdips her brushscratches a tiny suntiny talisman- like the one you lost last winter –into the spring sky
& when no one is listeningshe speaks the true names:
la va ya ra ma
saying it allsaying nothingshe speaks the true names:
la va ya ra ma
earthwaterair firemother
yours & mine
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THE AWAKENING
you re-emergein sage leavessun spun petalsbluebellied clouds
daybreak star
your voicesombre & solacingin shells of windfists of thunder
your fragranceabundant in thefirst wet rosethin-winged orchid
sandalwood
your touchendless in sea mistiron horns of rainwillow-bark ribs
wings of the eagle
runes that warmmy womanbones
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BACK IN BLACK
i come to some familiar placeto work the old wisdom - heal myself
i come to learn this skin& write of things thatused to be locked uphidden
those forbidden thingswithin & without mewith all their imperfections
& perhaps i love youa little more