A Stupid Fish Thinks He Can Talk Weight Loss Manual

By: Assad al Emaan

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Dedicated to my Row-Mom, of whom I made this journey in life to meet and to the entire Hopi tribe…Kakwai!

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INTRODUCTION

Most stories have a plot, a certain point in time, or a moral to learn from…however, I believe I should just go ahead and give away the plot and the moral of the story right now within this introduction.

“No! No, Assad! Don’t give the plot away! You’ll ruin the whole story!” I think I heard a few readers exclaim. Please, don’t worry; I won’t ruin the story at all. You have my word on it.

The plot of this entire fable is a spiritual journey, of which it is better for me to reveal to you now the moral of the story. Best that you listen to what the substance of my words are about, and that way you can make the intelligent, intellectual, free-willed choice to continue listening to what it is I am trying to get at. Maybe it is best if I just stay away from making any point whatsoever. The question is, “Am I trying to get individuals to adhere to a specific ideology by writing this story?” It could possibly be. It is my goal to enlighten individuals into a behavior of right doing through a process of respect, peace, love, and harmony. These of which has been the basis of all positive spiritual teachings (Jesus [may peace be upon him], Buddha, the prophet Muhammad [may peace be upon him], Martin Luther King, etc.). Would it be so bad if the majority of human beings would practice these four simple laws of conduct? (Respect, Peace, Love, and Harmony) Let’s take a closer look and make definitions for each one of these Laws of Conduct.

First in the Four Laws of Conduct is RESPECT. Respect is the foundation and basis of self-control. It takes an incredible amount of will and a strong character to have respect for other individuals and yourself, even in the face of adversity. If you build your house’s foundation on sandy soil, your work will be of no consequence. To not show respect to other human beings (and just as importantly, the self) is to show a sign of weakness in your character, it is therefore a weak foundation within your “house of moral beliefs”. To show respect even to the disrespectful is like piling hot coals upon their heads. It doesn’t quite make sense to them, so in return, they become more respectful themselves. And for those of you that believe in God (as I do), having respect for the Great Mystery is akin to faith.

Congratulations! By correctly practicing this first law you have just made the world a better place for yourself and other human beings to live in. And most importantly…SMILE! Smiling and respect are like peanut butter and jelly, like Thelma and Louise, like Sanford and Son, like…(well, you get the picture.) It has been scientifically shown that smiling and smiling on a frequent basis cools the brain which leads to stress reduction. So don’t be a fool…SMILE!

The second law of the Four Laws of Conduct is PEACE. By correctly practicing the first law, we can successfully bring ourselves into peace of mind. Know this; there is no lasting peace without respect for the self and other individuals. Now, for some people, they tend to find it easier to show respect to individuals but not to the self; and for other people, it is easier for them to show respect to the self and not to other individuals. Both of these pseudo-respecting attitudes may not truly serve peaceful intentions overall. For us to be able to truly practice a meaningful peaceful attitude in life, we must practice the law of respect for both the self and other human beings.

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By acquiring a peaceful attitude in life, we can reduce anxiety. Our thought processes become smoother and our decision-making abilities are enhanced through the practice of the law of peace. With a peaceful demeanor over our being, we tend to bring others around us into a more peaceful demeanor likewise. Have you ever noticed that when someone is frustrated and their anxiety is high, people around them (especially in a working group of people) tend to also be frustrated? So, do the world a favor…practice this second law like it’s going out of style! But beware, people at peace seem very strange and a little spooky to individuals that lack this specific law of conduct in their lives. Peaceful attitudes inspire interest from both negative and positive individuals (kind of like a neutron in the nucleus of an atom), so be prepared! Oh…and don’t forget the first law. OK?

After successfully practicing the first and second laws, it seems that the third law comes to us naturally and effortlessly. By administering to the laws of respect and peace, we allow the state of LOVE to govern. When even negative individuals come face to face with unconditional love, a change in behavior becomes imminent. Through a respectful and peaceful understanding of the individual, all superficial negative emotions are stripped away and only the state of unconditional love is left. It is as if all this time we had been wearing a mask and didn’t know it. And then, one day, someone came up and told us,”Hey! Why are you wearing a mask?”

Through shear ignorance our reply would be, “What are you talking about? Are you some kind of nut? I ain’t wearin’ no goddamn MASK!!!”

And then, that certain someone forcefully grabs at our mask and rips it off. You become angry and say, “Jesus (PBUH)! What in the hell are you doin’, motherfucker!? I’ll fuckin’ kill you for that!” We become fearful and agitated that someone had the gall to call us on our ignorant bluff.

And then, while we are stewing and thinking negative things against this said individual, he says to us, “Wait a second, dude. Look. It is only a mask. You’ve been wearing this thing your whole life, man. Don’t flip out or anything, I just wanted to see what you really looked like. Here…you can put it back on if you’d like.”

And at that moment, he hands our mask back to us, and apologizes for offending you. Then, you look at the mask that you didn’t know you were wearing, and you begin to feel a little stupid not knowing the truth of the matter. You begin to feel…that you were wrong in your attitude, and that you wish you would have listened to this guy a long time ago; because now you are able to see your true face.

“Hey, man…I’m really sorry I got angry at you for trying to get me to understand. You were right this whole time…I was wearing a mask. Thanks, bro.”

“De Nada, amigo…I told you this because I love you, and I didn’t want you going through your whole life just wearing that ridiculous thing. I know it’s been hard for you to realize, but I am happy you did!”

Then, at that moment, you can make the decision to put your mask back on, put it in the closet for another day (like Halloween or something, geesh!), or tear it up and throw it away.

I think there is a certain proverb that really applies here. I believe it goes something like this: “If you wash a pig with soap and water, the pig will always return to the mud.” Jesus (PBUH) or somebody said this I think…I don’t know. Maybe you should read the Bible or Quran to find out?

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Basically, if we realize our true self, but we do not disregard the old superficial one, we will eventually return to the latter (perhaps even seven times worse than before!), so it is best that we rip our mask to shreds and burn it. So, the moral of this story is: “If you don’t like to be dirty, then don’t be a friggin’ pig!”

So, practice the Law of Love. You will not regret it… I promise. Just make sure you have mastered the first two Laws of Conduct before you practice the art of unconditional love. YEees... (I’m using my best Yoda impersonation here) a powerful force it be!

The fourth and final Law of Conduct is HARMONY. Once a successful state of unconditional love is attained in our universe of existence, one can now more effectively focus on maintaining balance in life and in the world. Without practicing the first three laws of conduct, an individual can never truly obtain harmony in their lives. A person not practicing the first three laws of conduct will find him or herself either totally on one side of the spectrum or the other. Either they will be emotionally or physically destructive, or they will be wrapped up in their addictions and desires (which often leads to dangerous delusional behavior). Their lack of finding and understanding the law of love leads into physical desire and the realm of addiction. Too much time spent on this spectrum of existence leads into a lack of focus on reality, and since our moral “vision” is clouded by our addictions and desires, our world of existence tends to get away from us (job, finances, family, community, etc.). Once our desires and addictions get out of control, and when the effect of our drug of choice (alcohol, cocaine, video games, sex, etc.) wears off; our emotions shift almost immediately to the other spectrum. We become negative in our attitudes, we start to blame people around us for our misfortunes, and our lack of responsibility in our lives leads us into a world of disrespect, hatred, and fear.

Too often (especially within this present system of things) we associate material gain with happiness. We fool ourselves, for a while, into believing we are in balance with all things (again, trying to maintain balance with strictly desire); and then the stock market crashes or some fucking terrorists run into the World Trade Center or your girlfriend of five years becomes pregnant by your best friend, the list of unbalances goes on and on. So the truth of the matter is…we are what we wear.

What I mean by this statement is that we react to situations based on the moral teachings we have come to grasp. Some of us say, “Well, I have a handle on everything. I got money in savings, my kids all have a college fund, we got a TV and a computer in every room in the house…Hell! We even got five more houses if this one don’t quite suit us.” And then a tsunami pulls your whole fuckin’ family into the Indian Ocean the day after Christmas while you are all basking in the friggin’ sun! Oh, and by the way, I forgot to mention that you were the one to tell your kids to go out and pick up some sea shells because, “Honey? Look how far the tide went out today! This is great! Quick, tell little Jenny and Billy Bob to go find us a star fish! Whoopee! What a super, spectacular, wonderful, perfect vacation!” How many of you are able to find balance in that sort of situation? Well, guess what…none of you can, in fact, there are millions of people going nuts right now because of this very event in history. How are they to deal with such an emotional strain? How would you deal with it? How do we get back to a harmonious relationship in our lives and with the world?

You see, HARMONY IS NOT A PERMANENT FIXTURE! I am sorry I have to yell that at you, but I am trying to make a point here. Harmony and balance are not

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permanent; this is why it is called balance. Just like a teeter-totter in the park, the law of harmony has its ups and downs, its highs and lows; and it is up to us to practice our moral teachings to bring us back to the fulcrum of life…which just happens to be the third law of conduct which is…you got it…LOVE. And how do we obtain an efficient practice in love? Yeppers, we review with ourselves the practices of respect and peace. Boy Howdy, you guys sure are smart!

So remember that the key to harmony and balance is not to be caught with your pants down. Practice the right moral beliefs and you’ll do just fine. Oh, and always keep spare underwear in the glove box, OK?

The next lesson that I have in mind is a little more in depth and should only be practiced by those who are truly committed to the Four Laws of Conduct (which by the way just happens to be an ancient Hopi teaching…What! Did you think I came up with this stuff myself…geesh!)

To find a closer tie to the Four Laws of Conduct I have included my own incite; that of which I have called the Four Realizations.

The First Realization is to realize that nothing in this world is mine. All material things are governed by the laws of entropy, that is to say that all

systems break down. The closest thing on earth we have to a true possession is our bodies, but even that too will dissipate in time, and those of us that believe in God…our only true possession is our love of Him (then again, that is not a material possession but a spiritual one. I was told once by this guy, “Quit trying to store treasure on earth where moth, rust, and mold will eat it, but instead, store your treasure in heaven safe from these things and no thief can steal them.”) I hate to be the one to break it to you, but all the money, diamonds, cars, Beta machines…will never be truly yours and will never ever actually be yours, even if you buy a billion-zillion of them. Material gain is just simply that…material stuff. It is not part of the moral and spiritual clothing we wear. It is, in the words of the most astute Buddhist monk―impermanent.

Not being possessive and relinquishing our attachments upon material things allows a better practice of the Four Laws of Conduct.

“But wait a second, Homie,” I think I heard someone say. “Doesn’t all this non-materialism jive give way to anarchy? If nothing in this world is mine or anyone’s, then it should be perfectly fine for me to take whatever I want.”

On the contrary, realizing that nothing belongs to me inspires a deeper respect for material property of others, because it frees us from want. However, the opposite of this realization (everything in the world belongs to ME!) is the inspiration of greed and thievery.

So the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can get rid of those headaches and ulcers you’ve been plagued with lately.

The Second Realization is the realization that everything good is entrusted to me.This realization is quite simple. All things that you consider good in your life (and

those lives of the people and animals and plants that you love) is left in your care to either cherish or abuse as you would like (hopefully you would choose the former). Having this realization handy allows us, not to be owners, but caretakers of the good things in our lives.

The Third Realization is to realize that all innocent beings are protected by me.To realize this allows us a sense of justice in our lives and those around us.

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To see wrong being done in the world and not do anything about it is, in itself, wrong in attitude. The harming or taking of innocent life without justification needs to be opposed, or we ourselves become allied with the transgressor(s). By all means necessary we should practice peaceful opposition against wrong ideology.

The Fourth Realization is this: I am but a period in time.Realizing that our life force is only prevalent for a short duration allows us to

focus on becoming a better world citizen, a better neighbor, and concentrating our lives and life styles on more positive efforts towards humanity.

Coming to realize this allows us to focus on works and not image. Most definitely our images will fade away but our works in life will remain…our legacy if you will.

More than likely in the future no one will even care who Assad al Emaan was, they will not care about his dog, his Mercedes-Benz, his nail fungus on his big toe, but…they will, one way or another, remember his works in life, even if they never heard of Assad.

You see, when we practice good works we spread those same teachings of righteousness without even trying…with effortless ease. We become positive influences in the lives of those we love around us. In turn, those who have been close to us will spread those exact same positive teachings to those around them and so on. In essence, as my good buddy Jesus (PBUH) once said, “A good tree produces good fruit and a wicked tree produces only wicked fruit…”

So, I ask you to please be a good caretaker and prune your garden of weeds and branches that do not bear fruit, but only serve to choke life from the tree. The weed lacks realization of its deeds, and its purpose is soulfully baneful. Neither may the weed realize the beauty of the fruit of the tree, but is wholly selfish in its existence; knowing only what it can take for itself at present.

Neither is it worthy of us to cast our pearls before dogs (Wow! Metaphors and parables are sooo cool!).

Here is a quick overview of what I just went over, I hope it helps you on your journey in life:

Four Laws of Conduct

1. RESPECT2. PEACE3. LOVE4. HARMONY

Four Realizations

1. Realize that nothing in this world belongs to me2. Realize that ALL things good are entrusted to me3. Realize that ALL innocent beings are protected by me4. Realize that I am only a period in time

Morals of the Story

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1. Don’t be pigs!2. Don’t crap your pants!3. Don’t grow weed!4. Don’t give a dog a pearl necklace!

I now invite you to share with me this experience given me by the All Merciful, All Hearing, and All Knowing. And to Him should all thanks be praised. Alhamdulilah!

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♠The Wholly Schmible

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CHAPTER 1

THE BOOK OF VIPs

Before all that is seen, there was and is and will always forever be the Great Unseen; and before all that is known, there was and is and will always forever be the Great Unknown. And in the center of all that is living, the Wakantanjka plays His drum and sings His song of creation and of life:

“Abu! I sing this day in creation. Happy I am to give life. I give it freely and I take it freely. Nothing that exists may exist without Wakantanjka knowing. My drum-skin is the waters, let my song resound! My drum-body is the earth, let my song resound! My drumstick is the Sun, let my song resound! My voice is thought to the living, my words sweet breezes to the nostrils. My song travels faster than the morning; it is without shadow and darkness. The songbirds sing with me, but their tongues grow tired. I am

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Wakantanjka, I embrace all things. Abu!”

And the song of creation raced across the seen and unseen waters of all that is known and unknown. It shook the rocks of the seen and unseen earth.

Before the singing, the earth was on one side of the world and the water on the other, everything was smooth like pond ice, and everything was hard like stone. This is why we The People call this first world Grandfather Rock. He was beyond age, unmoving, and cold. His skin was like polished silver and onyx stone and Wakantanjka was pleased that He could see His own face across this world.

“I am cold, Wakantanjka. There is no campfire made to warm this Old One. Without warmth, I am heavy. My skin is frozen and smooth.”

“I will start a campfire for you, Grandfather.” Wakantanjka replied. “I will ask Grandson Morning to build it. But once you are warm, life will return to your skin and you will hurt a little bit.”

So it was that Wakantanjka found Grandson Morning at his own campfire far away from Grandfather Rock. And Wakantanjka became angry that there were so many campfires throughout the universe but no one had bothered to build one for their Grandfather.

Wakantjka spoke to the Morning, “Grandson Morning, Grandfather Rock is cold in his old age. Go and make him his campfire right away!”

“Wakantanjka, I am sorry that I did not take care of my grandfather,” Grandson Morning replied, “I will send my own son to run with a spark from my own fire. My son is so fast that he can light all the campfires for all the Morning Singers all at one time.”

And Grandson Morning sent his own son, Son of the Dawn, to carry a spark to build a campfire for his grandfather.

“Son of the Dawn,” the Morning spoke to his only son, “your grandfather is cold and we have neglected to build him a campfire. Take a spark from my campfire and build one for Grandfather Rock to keep warm. Wakantanjka is angry at the Morning Singers for forgetting their grandfather, so you must run faster than you have ever run before. Now hurry!”

And it was that the Son of the Dawn ran to his grandfather with a spark from Morning’s campfire. So fast was he that he was able to light each and every campfire throughout the universe all at one time. Also, the Son of the Dawn could remember everything that went on at each campfire and reported it to his father, the Morning, who in turn reported it to his father, Wakantanjka. So fast was the Son of the Dawn that it seemed as if he had never left at all.

“Father Morning, I am happy to report that Grandfather Rock is enjoying the campfire you sent for him, but his body is beginning to hurt and he cries out in pain. His icy skin has become flowing waters, his tears are torrents of rain, and his hard stone has begun to crumble into soft earth. His body shakes from his sufferings. What can we do for him?” Son of the Dawn asked.

“Here, my son, take my medicine bundle. In it you will find the seeds of life, some smoking herbs, and my pipe. When you give him my medicine bundle, you will have to sing him a song to take his pains away. Now go as fast as you can.”

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So the Son of the Dawn ran so fast that it seemed as if he had never left at all. So fast was he that he told all the Morning Singers of the medicine bundle he was carrying and the song he had to sing to their grandfather.

“We will come with you to sing and smoke with our grandfather, because we love him very much,” they told him gleefully.

“Yes, please come with me,” Son of the Dawn said, “and sing a song of living at our grandfather’s tipi.”

And it was that Son of the Dawn and the Morning Singers came to their grandfather’s tipi with medicine bundles of their own. They opened their bundles and passed Morning’s pipe to Grandfather Rock.

“Thank you all for coming. I was cold for so long that now my body hurts from becoming warm. These smoking herbs you have all brought will help make my pains subside. You are all such good grandchildren.”

They smoked and laughed, laughed and smoked until they could not see from the tears of joy that welled up. And Son of the Dawn gave the seeds of life to Grandfather Rock.

“Grandfather,” Son of the Dawn spoke, “my father the Morning has sent these for you to plant. These are seeds of life. From them all living things will come and your heart will be filled with joy. You will not feel cold or lonely and your heart will not be heavy anymore. Here.”

And Son of the Dawn passed the seeds of life to his grandfather who in turn began to immediately plant them in the soil.

Then the Morning Singers and Son of the Dawn began to sing the song of the living:

“Abu! We sing the song of life at the tipi of our grandfather. He was cold and lonely but we came to warm him. The Morning gives him a pipe to smoke, his very own medicine bundle to ease his sufferings. The clouds are his hair and the sky his face. Grateful are the living for his existence. We kiss his feet at the foot of the mountains. We leap into his arms at the banks of the river. Deep and wide are his footsteps, inside them we flourish. His campfire was made from the fire of our father. His campfire is the Sun. Our reflections are alive in him and the echoes of our singing are heard by the Morning. He sends the warmth of his fire to start the new day. This day is good for life. Grandfather Rock plants the seeds of life in the soil. The Old One walks with his planting

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stick making a home for the living. This day is good for life. Abu!”

When Son of the Dawn finished his song he noticed that his grandfather was fast asleep. The Old One planted the seeds of life all day long and now he was resting.

“Grandfather,” Son of the Dawn whispered so as not to wake him, “I do not know how long you will sleep, but the seeds of life will be growing soon. I will take them from your body with the soil, the air, the clouds, and the waters. I will give them to Grandmother Earth to hold and watch. And when you wake up from time to time, you can look down on your living children and your dear wife, the Earth. You will wake and be happy and smile on the Earth, and Grandma will take care of all your grandchildren while you sleep. Your grandchildren will call you the Moon, their grandmother the Earth, and your campfire the Sun. They will be happy in your tipi until the day that they grow up. But that day is a long way away. Sleep well, Old One.”

And Son of the Dawn brought the seeds of life, along with his grandfather’s soft soil, clouds, air, and waters; and gave them to his grandmother.

“My dear grandson,” Grandmother Earth was very happy to see Son of the Dawn, “I am glad you have come to see your old grandmother. Come, sit down and I will make you something to eat.” And Grandmother Earth began to fix ground corn meal, since all there were in those days were corn seeds, which are the seeds of all life.

“Oh, thank you, grandma! That would be wonderful; I am a bit hungry after running all day.”

And Son of the Dawn ate the corn meal that his grandma ground for him, and he was content. Then he opened his medicine bundle and showed his grandma the soil, the air, the clouds, and the waters.

“These were planted with the seeds of life, but, however, grandpa is too tired to watch over them. Could you watch over this medicine bundle while he sleeps, and from time to time when he wakes, can you open it up for him to look upon?” Son of the Dawn asked Grandmother Earth.

“Yes, I would be more than happy to, my grandson. I will place it in the back of the tipi with your grandfather’s old bow and arrows. And when he wakes up from time to time, I will open the medicine bundle just as you asked me to, and show him the soil, the air, the clouds, and the waters. He will be quite pleased when he sees how I took care of the seeds of life,” Grandmother Earth said with a comforting smile.

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