a man and his dreams
TRANSCRIPT
“A Man & His Dream”
-‐by Mr. Deiser
The man was named Mr. Mellen. His dream was to be a part of the 2007 USA Rock-‐Paper-‐Scissors Championship, which would be held at the Mandalay Bay Resort in lovely Las Vegas, NV. To make this far fetched dream a reality, Mr. Mellen would have to win any 1 of 16 qualifying RPS tournaments located within the friendly town of Lawrence, KS. The winners of the 16 qualifying tournaments would all come together during one spectacular night for an epic, Douglas County Regional Rock Paper Scissors (DCRRPS) Sweet 16. The winner of this epic, DCRRPS Sweet 16 would indeed win an all expense paid trip, 4 days & 3 nights, to compete against the Nation’s finest in Vegas. Mr. Mellen was a thoughtful and unselfish individual. He had the very thoughtful and unselfish thought that if he could get as many South Junior High (remember middle schoolers, this was back in
the day), teachers to win the qualifying tournaments, more of his peeps would qualify for the epic, DCRRPS Sweet 16 and the odds of at least someone he knew winning the Grand Prize would increase. What could possibly go wrong, right?
Lo and behold, fast forward a month or so, after many hours of hard work and dedication, all of the pieces were beginning fall into place. Your South Junior High teachers showed well, qualifying 4 of your favorite educators for the epic, DCRRPS Sweet 16. South Spirit Squad Coach Mrs. Wilson (then competing under her maiden name Ms. Harris) and the Happy Lady in the Guidance Office both bowed out of the competition early, but were content just being a part of the magic. There was no easy path to victory for Mr. Mellen. He started off very shakily as each participant was required to submit an “interesting fact,” about themselves to be read as part of the pre-‐match introduction. His opponent, according to her interesting fact, had webbed feet. Unfortunately, this flustered Mr. Mellen and he got behind early in the match because he was too focused on trying to see what her feet looked like and not able to concentrate on what throw to use. Fortunately (otherwise this story wouldn’t be worth writing), he was able battle back, hang on for dear life with a couple of tied throws, craftily destroy her scissors with a rock to even the match and then after a couple more hard fought ties, “peace out” of his opening round with a scintillating scissors, thus winning the best 2 out of 3 match 2 throws to 1.
After a deep sigh of relief and the wiping of sweat from his brow, your hero easily advanced in a
non-‐noteworthy 2nd round match, 2 throws to 0. Just when he was beginning to think he had this whole Rock-‐Paper-‐Scissors thing figured out, Mr. Mellen peered at the bracket to take a look at his Final 4 opponent. Whom might he find staring / mean mugging right back at him???
You guessed it: A very handsome, intelligent, highly strategic RPS player named Mr. Deiser. Has it been mentioned that this Deiser guy was very classy as well? At any rate, contrary to pretty much anybody else who has ever played a round of Rock-‐Paper-‐Scissors, Mr. Deiser had a very well thought out, sophisticated, and difficult to figure out RPS plan. That’s right, he only threw paper. Some were stunned at the simplicity of this majestic plan. All were awed. Being a “Paper Guy” had won Deiser a qualifying tournament and a spot in the epic, DCRRPS Sweet 16. It had also allowed for pretty easy and routine victories in his 1st two matches to set up the All SJH Final Four Grudge Match, with students past and present anxiously awaiting the result.
After the pre-‐match handshake and the wishing of good luck to the other which neither really
meant, Deiser opened up with a (shocking…) Paper. Mellen counters with… Rock??? What in the world? Mellen is way overthinking the situation. Is the fact that he is two matches from Vegas causing him to not think clearly? Deiser leads 1 throw to 0. Match point Deiser.
Is there any doubt what Deiser will throw next? Absolutely not. He throws paper. Mellen, showing the ability to regroup when his back is against the wall, just like all great competitors do, throws Scissors. Brilliant!!! Or plainly obvious, depending or your perspective. Deiser 1. Mellen 1. The deciding throw. You can cut the tension with a knife. Mellen is giddy with anticipation. Deiser is flummoxed. He is a “Paper Guy,” as has been mentioned. Mellen knows Deiser is a “Paper Guy.” Deiser know Mellen knows Deiser is a “Paper Guy.” What on earth to do? Should Deiser completely abandon his philosophy? The philosophy that has been so good to him? Maybe… Deiser throws… Rock. Whyyyyyyy? His eyes are closed. He can hardly bare to look. Mellen throws… PAPER! Mellen is so fueled with adrenaline, his whole body is shaking. Deiser peeks and is immediately overcome with huge wave of relief that washes over him from head to toe. He is still alive in the match. Mellen threw a Paper that would’ve won him the match against the idiotic Rock throw from the “Paper Guy.” Deiser would’ve gotten beat with his own move but… the Paper Mellen threw was Vertical Paper. Everybody knows that you can’t win with Vertical Paper. It is in the RPS Handbook. It was specifically stated in the Pre Match Rules Meeting. Mellen knew it. Deiser knew it. All of the RPS fanatics in attendance knew it. The is no other way to say it. Mellen panicked. He choked. He had the match literally in the palm of his hand and he blew it. After that incredible swing of emotions, the score remains Deiser 1. Mellen 1. The deciding throw Part 2. Lesson learned, is there anything other than Paper that Mr. Deiser would possibly throw? Heck freaking No! Cool as a cucumber with his 2nd chance, Deiser throws Paper. Horizontal of course. Mellen, completely falling apart and knowing he squandered his greatest chance to compete in the USARPS National Championships (at least until 2008, which is another story completely in and of itself), is an emotional wreck. He can’t think clearly or even function properly. Without any clear plan or sense of purpose, he throws a random Rock. Final Score: Deiser 2. Mellen 1. Deiser advances to Championship Match.
Immediately upon seeing Mr. Mellen’s downtrodden face, Deiser reaches out to his fallen victim and encourages him to pledge his support as the epic, DCRRPS overall winner gets to bring along a guest. Slowly, the look of devastation begins to fade and be replaced by the familiar glimmer in the eye, that motivational spark! Mr. Mellen, being the Top Shelf Individual that he is, may not be able to realize his dream of competing in the National Tournament, but it’s still “Game On,” for having the opportunity to be a part of it. “Let’s go Deiser,” he exclaims!!! The Championship Match is anti-‐climactic, as compared to what went down in the drama filled battled as just described. Mr. Deiser, not making the same mistake as before, reverts back to strictly being the “Paper Guy.” Deiser’s foolish, non South Junior High affiliated foe in the Finals goes down meekly, throwing Rock, Rock. Hello??? Is anyone home, you big dingaling? Has anyone ever heard of scouting your opponent? Really??? And he made it all the way to the Final Match… Whatever… Dude got what he deserved. The Power of Paper Prevailed.
So the man (Mr. Mellen, if you remember the 1st sentence of this short story), in a roundabout way, was able to realize his dream. He was able to enjoy all of the comforts of Vegas without having the pressure of not wanting to disappoint 600 junior high students. The look on his face while boarding the flight, while checking into the luxurious Mandalay, while being front and center for Seether, while getting to eat at In ‘N Out Burger, all priceless to Mr. Mellen without the anxiety of competing against the best our country has to offer. He was able stand loyally by as Mr. Deiser, the “Paper Guy,” drew the worst possible 1st round opponent, a “Scissors Guy” from somewhere in the dirty state of Missouri. Mr. Mellen encouraged Mr. Deiser, since this wasn’t just some raggedy Regional Tournament, to step his game up to a National level. Deiser did briefly, going out of his comfort zone to smash that awful Scissors with a Rock. But it just wasn’t meant to be. After the Rock adjustment, Deiser, again realizing how much better the competition was in Vegas as opposed to the friendly confines of Hometown Lawrence, out thought himself, stayed Rock and was ironically defeated with his own (non vertical this time) move and thus letting down the entirety of Cougar Nation. In hindsight, he was lucky to have escaped the same scenario with a victory on that glorious day against Mr. Mellen. Making that shameful return home after the Vegas disaster has caused many sleepless nights and Mr. Deiser has had to live with the bitter taste of defeat in his mouth ever since and still has difficulty getting over it to this day, in fact. Mr. Mellen, on the other hand, lived happily ever after and used the experience of being a part of the 2007 USARPS Tournament to fuel his love for the sport and concoct an even greater plan to make a return trip, this time as an actual competitor, in 2008.
To Be Continued…