Praise for A Little Book of Parenting Skills

A genuine treasure! When we shift our attention toward skillfully parenting, our whole world changes. Learning to parent well is equal to learning to love well . This creative handbook teaches us that there are tangible ways that we can deepen our capacity for empathy and presence - transforming our relation-ships with children and ourselves. Parenting has helped me to be a better spouse, friend and parent. A Little Book of Parenting Skills is a rare gift!

~ Ruth Cox, Ph.D. Mother and Professor

Institute for Holistic Health Studies San Francisco State University

Besides prenatal care, the best way parents-to-be can spend the nine months awaiting the birth of their child would be to learn this little book by heart. Then, keep it close at hand for the next eighteen years. The world would benefit greatly.

~ Kathleen Dowling Singh, Ph.D. Mother, Grandmother and Author

The Grace in Dying

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We license people to drive. It's insane that we don't educate and license people to parent. A Little Book of Parenting Skills ought to be the Parent's Ed Manual designated to help reduce the 100 billion dollars we spend annually on this problem.

~ Peter Pearson, Ph.D. Father and Co-founder The Couples Institute

A Little Book of Parenting Skills is a tremendous resource for parents, educators, and students of human development. It offers a wealth of information in a compact package, including a virtual directory to delve more deeply into the topics it covers. The possibilities for who could find this book useful are almost endless for new parents and parents-to-be, and for adults from dysfunctional families looking to re-parent themselves, this book will be an invaluable resource. ~ Liz Zed, Ph.D. Mother and

Daytop Village Woodside, California

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This guide to parenting, based on recent research as well as time-tested wisdom, gently encourages parents to improve parenting skills and strengthen heart connections with their children.

~ Karen Rossie, Ph.D. Mother and Global Mentor Faculty

Institute of Transpersonal Psychology

A Little Book of Parenting Skills makes the findings from many research disciplines readily accessible. Its a beautiful guidebook for learning the art of mindful parenting. I appreciate the way it encourages the development of core coping strategies to help deal with the challenges of parenting at all stages.

~ Carole Press, LCSW Child and Family Social Worker

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A wise and practical guide to what Mark Brady rightly calls, the most important job on the planet. Its especially refreshing to see the author urging parents to take even his sensible advice with a grain of salt. As he says, Dont parent by the book, parent by the child. Any parenting expert wise enough to offer this advice, is worth attending to closely.

~ Doug McAdam, Ph.D. Father and Sociology Professor

Former Executive Director Center for Advance Studies

in the Behavioral Sciences at Stanford

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A Little Book of

Parenting Skills

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Other Books by Dr. Mark Brady:

Non-Fiction

On Becoming A Listening Organization (2005)

A Little Book of Listening Skills (2005)

The Wisdom of Listening (2003)

Growing a Housebuilder (1990)

Fiction

Death School (2004)

Psychomanteum (2003)

The Icing of the Shooter (1994)

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A Little Book of

Parenting Skills

52 vital practices to help with the most important job on the planet

by

Mark Brady, Ph.D.

Paideia* Press Los Altos, California

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Paideia Press P.O. Box 3936 Los Altos, CA 94024 (415) 828-6275 paideia@gmail.com Copyright 2006 by Mark Brady All Rights Reserved. *PAIDEIA (pie-day-a) from the Greek pais, paidos: lifelong learning that pays special attention to the spirit, heart or essence of things. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photography, recording or by information retrieval or storage systems or technologies now known or later developed, without permission from the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Brady, Mark, Ph.D. A little book of parenting skills /Mark Brady p. cm. ISBN 0-9768898-8-9 BF323.L5S27 2006 153.77dc27 2006111946 09 08 07 06 5 4 3 2 Designed by Graffix House Set in Times New Roman Editor: Sheldon Steere Printed in the United States of America

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For Margaret

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Theyre Singing Your Song

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else. When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child's song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child's song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song. Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person's bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person on to the next life. In the African tribe there is one other occasion when the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a

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circle around them. Then they sing their song to them. The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another. A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused. You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn't. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you'll find your way home.

~ Alan Cohen

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How to get the most out of this book The feedback Ive gotten from readers of early drafts

of A Little Book of Parenting Skills indicates that the practices in this little book truly are life-changing and child-affirming. As such, they work best when read and referred to regularly. I suggest you read the titles and mark those that resonate with you. Begin with those skills and practice them in any way that feels comfortable. Many parents carry this book with them and refer to it often as they begin practicing the new skills. Even seasoned parents report they keep a copy close at hand for ready reference. Feel free to write in the book. Be creative in getting the most out of the practices.

One powerful way to get the most out of A Little Book of Parenting Skills is to create a community of practice. Ask friends, colleagues, or members of your church or temple who have children to practice with you. Small, faith-based groups are quite effective in helping each other learn to parent skillfully.

If you feel anxiety, sorrow, anger or any other strong negative emotion while reading a particular skill, listen carefully internally. Explore the discomfort. Perhaps something in your personal history is being activated. It is often useful to turn towards such feelings and learn what they have to teach. But never force a parenting practice that is overly charged for you.

Take your time. Be curious while you learn some of the most powerful and rewarding skills you will acquire in your life - the art of skillful parenting.

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Table of Contents

Theyre Singing Your Song

Introduction

Section One

1. Begin positive parenting in the womb 2. Begin a prenatal internet website or blog 3. Engage dynamically in the critical first three years 4. Dont parent by the book parent by the child 5. Avoid repeating the sins of your parents 6. Never neglect 7. Never, never, never scream at your kids 8. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SCREAM AT YOUR KIDS! 9. Never, never, never hit your children 10. Anticipate and optimize growth spurts 11. Cultivate and express Caretaker Face 12. Be a super-soother 13. Constructively channel tantrum energy

Section One Reflection Questions Page 34

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Section Two

14. Practice managing transitions skillfully 15. Make caretaker audio and video recordings 16. Teach your children to say No! 17. Interact regularly with the right brain 18. Touch and be touched 19. Be a safe haven 20. Provide your children what you most lacked 21. Repair relationship ruptures as soon as possible 22. Practice paideia 23. Essential: Limit violent TV and video games 24. Practice Smart Moves 25. Accept everything your child offers 26. Make your kids Heart Smart

Section Two Reflection Questions Page 50

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Section Three

27. Help your child develop Mindsight 28. Orient towards high E.Q. 29. Disentangle family triangles 30. Learn and practice contingent communication 31. Express appreciation often and unexpectedly 32. Aim for progress, not perfection 33. Regularly monitor for goodness of fit 34. Ask your children what their hearts want 35. Repeatedly return to the high road 36. Interactively repair all relationship ruptures 37. Use parenting for gaining self-knowledge 38. Tell your kids stories about your life 39. Create a compassionate family culture

Section Three Reflection Questions Page 66

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Section Four

40. Regularly assess whats not working 41. Be a Good-Enough Parent 42. Teach and model positive self-talk 43. Deliberately defuse strong reactions 44. Harness your murderous impulses 45. Take first steps to repair relationship ruptures 46. Engage regularly in reflective dialogue 47. Take special care during stressful times 48. Never say No unless you mean it 49. Reclaim your negative projections 50. Sidestep power struggles 51. Listen to your kids 52. Form a parent reading and support group

Section Four Reflection Questions Page 82

References Appendix Authors Biography Contact Page

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Introduction

Raising children is difficult. The challenges are rarely easy, the answers rarely simple. Frequently, when we feel at our wits end and absolutely cannot expend another ounce of energy, the needs and demands of children must still be addressed. We must find ways for self-care and the means to restore our energy, that are not at the expense of either ourselves or our children. This is a central requirement for skillful parenting. Its part and parcel of what we must do in order for parenting to be a calling, a sacred trust, an ongoing expression of our best and highest selves. Western culture does not place sufficient value on parenting. Only in special instances is it seen as valuable and honorable work. Career success, peer relationships, social acceptance there is a long list of things that Western culture considers more import-ant and meaningful than parenting. Thus, when many of us become parents with little experience, at a relatively young age, we have only our own parents as our primary role models. We may believe we can rely solely on our intuition and optimism to be effective in the parenting role, forgetting or denying that where we are entering is mostly unfamiliar territory. Some of the skills and practices you will find in this book may surprise you. Some may infuriate

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you. Not all of them are for everyone, but all of them are intended to have a positive impact in helping you raise your children. Some of them can actually make a dramatic difference in a very short time. (For example: Listen to your kids!) Parenting children successfully requires many things of us, including growing and changing our-selves. Sometimes this can be painful. Parenting then becomes hard emotional and physical work, tied so intimately to how we view and think of ourselves and the things we value in our lives. This is especially true when our children know every insecurity we have, recognize every place we feel inadequate, remember every emotional button we have, and somehow manage to press them regularly. At these times the primary work of parenting is to cultivate our own capacity for self-awareness, clarity and compassion. To help in this regard I have drawn from current research in the fields of develop-mental psychology, infant attachment theory, trauma-tology, neuroscience, anthropology and interpersonal neurobiology. Helping with this lifes work the most important job on the planet is the central aim of this little book.

Mark Brady Los Altos, California

October, 2006

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Its not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I cant tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.

~ Joyce Maynard

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1. Begin positive parenting in the womb

Research has shown that significant fetal brain growth begins after the first five weeks, when the ability to hear sound is first established. Alfred Tomatis, the French ear, nose and throat doctor known as the Einstein of the Ear, determined that the sounds a baby hears after only five weeks, works as the primary stimulus for this neural growth.1 Of all the sounds it hears, the baby soon begins to key in on the mothers voice. Each time it hears the mothers voice, it begins moving to her cadence and rhythm, performing a sort of stop-and-go growth dance to her music.

By the eighth month the babys brain is 50% larger than it needs to be. Just before birth, a process unfolds that will prune away half the extra brain cells. If the stress level is high, the pruning will unfortunately take place in the intellectual centers of the brain, leaving the reactive, instinctual centers most strongly fortified and intact. If the prenatal environment is safe and relatively unstressful, the brain will remove the excess from less needed areas, and keep the intellectual areas intact. We owe it to our children and the development of their brains to provide as safe an environment as we possibly can, literally from conception.

Practice: Identify a dozen or more stressors that may be unnecessarily causing your baby stress in utero. Take whatever steps you need to in order to remove them, for yourself and your baby.

For further follow up: www.babyplus.com/corp_info/logan_bookpage.html

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2. Begin a prenatal internet website or blog

The digital age affords parents an easy way to monitor and mark childrens development. Milestones that used to be preserved in family photo albums and holiday greeting cards can now be easily preserved privately and in perpetuity on an internet website or weblog. There are a number of safe internet sites that are regularly monitored by parents to insure that the content and the activities that take place on them is safe and poses little threat to children. Two examples of such websites can be found at: www.kidgrid.com/ and www.imbee.com. You can also do a Google search for Safe Childrens Websites to find others to allow your child to explore. Children love looking back at photos and written descriptions about them at earlier times in their lives. It not only clearly illustrates how much theyve grown and how different they are becoming, but it also provides them with a personal history that is inextricably linked to their unfolding identity.

Practice: Take a look at some of the childrens blogs on the Internet that other parents and teachers have started for children. You can begin your investigations at these two sites: http://us.blog.com and http://www.learningcircuits.org/2002/apr2002/ttools.html

For further follow up: www.blogspot.com

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3. Engage dynamically in the critical first three years

Beyond what growth and nurturing can be provided during pregnancy, the first three years of a childs life are critical for forming and stabilizing healthy brain structures needed to maintain and sustain continued optimal growth later on. Biochemical alterations in the right brain in the first two years is enduring; during this time states become traits.

Since left brain language capacity doesnt come online usually until after age three, children mostly learn symbolically and experientially before this time. The early years are a period when great emotional integration takes place. Children work to figure out the meaning of No, they communicate mostly with body language, and engage in parallel play with other children. Children at this age also enjoy stories that express feelings they are discover-ing about themselves.

Practice: Spend time drawing, painting or playing with any kind of art media with your child at this age. Start reading to them using picture books with stories of growing children and families. Recall what kind of play you most enjoyed at this age.

For further follow up: http://www.zerotothree.org

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4. Dont parent by the book parent by the child

Each year several dozen books on parenting are published in the United States. Much of what was true when Doctor Spock first wrote his best-selling, Baby and Child Care,2 has been rewritten in the intervening years. Field research and advancements in technology that allow for more precise observation and assessment, now force us to revise what we know and think about parenting.

So, with parenting information under constant revision and flux, whats a parent to do? If reading and research is something you enjoy and get benefit from, by all means continue to do it. Just dont use what you learn in a haphazard, rigid manner. Better is to pay attention to, and take our cues directly from our children themselves. Young children know what they need, and because they dont have good language skills, they develop creative ways to let parents know about those needs. Much of what constitutes effective parenting is like detective work, learning to discern and translate a childs needs in ways that contribute optimally to their maturation and development.

Practice: What are some of the unique ways your children let you know they have needs not being met? Things like bedwetting or having accidents can be examples. So can forgetting things or writing with crayons on the living room wall. Assume that such behavior is expressing unmet needs and see if you can watch and listen to find out what those needs might be.

For further follow up:www.cfw.tufts.edu

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5. Avoid repeating the sins of your parents The root definition of sin is to miss the

mark. We miss the mark when we make mistakes that we dont realize or dont correct or repair when we can. But how do we know when weve missed the mark? None of us comes perfectly prepared to take on the role of parenting, since each of us was raised by parents possessing their own unique strengths and weaknesses. An example of a mark that was historically missed by the culture is spanking. For many years spanking was considered an acceptable way to discipline children. They were regularly spanked in school, in churches, and at home. If you were someone spanked by your mother as a child, it is very likely that you feel okay about spanking your own children. This would be an example of missing the mark, of repeating, rather than moving beyond the sins of the parents. Especially since spanking children has been shown to take up residence in the body and physically inhibit the natural growth of both the body and the brain.3 So, the first requirement to undo and avoid repeating the sins of the parents is to be aware that child-rearing research and knowledge, like children themselves, is growing and changing constantly, as must we.

Practice: Experiment with paying attention to how what we do as parents makes us feel. How we feel in our bodies will often provide good data about how we are doing in our interactions with our children.

For further follow up: www.cyberparent.com/esteem/

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6. Never neglect

Child development experts are virtually unanimous in their agreement that neglect is the most difficult kind of psychological, neurological and spiritual damage to repair in children.4 5 6 Surprisingly, it is more difficult to recover from neglect than from the most horrendous physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Reasons for this vary from researcher to researcher. One theory offered by child psychiatrist Bruce Perry and his colleagues, is that neglect fails to provide the caretaking necessary for a child to form human attachments critical for growing essential brain structures necessary for optimal early development.7 Five areas that are generally implicated when neglect is investigated in mistreated children are: medical, educational, physical, emotional, and supervisory. What is most often involved is that parents simply do not provide regular, timely or consistent parenting in each of these areas.

Practice: Consider the five areas mentioned above. Are you somewhat flexible in how you relate to your children with regard to them? How might you begin to pay more attention and be more firm and engaged in these areas? Remember, a small positive change can produce dramatically powerful results.

For further followup: www.childtraumaacademy.com

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7. Never, never, never scream at your kids

Emerson suggested that sometimes a scream is better than a thesis, but rarely is that true when it comes to parenting. If youre a parent who attempts to control, reprimand, discipline or get your kids attention by screaming at them, psychologist Sarah Radcliffe suggests this is a negative parenting pattern that you dont want to continue.8 Whether you know it or not, whether you believe it or not, research shows that screaming parents cause their children considerable harm.9 A study in a 2001 Journal of American Psychiatry agrees: emotional abuse was more predictive of mental illness than either physical or sexual abuse!10 So, what might you do in place of screaming? Many things. To get their attention, you can say a childs name repeatedly and firmly until they make eye contact. Then make whatever specific requests you wish. To discipline children, or to get them to perform chores or homework, or come to dinner, call them once. After that, go to where they are and, without anger, gently take them by the hand and wordlessly lead them to where you want them to be, and tell them again what you want.

Practice: Next time you find yourself screaming at your kids, STOP! Be aware that you are causing them great harm. Find some way to get your message across as if these are people that you really, really love.

For further follow up: www.sarahchanaradcliffe.com

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8. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SCREAM AT YOUR KIDS!

Screaming at children significantly impairs their brain development. Dr. Allan Shore, at the UCLA Neuro-psychiatric Institute, explains that a number of times, all through development, childrens brains undergo massive pruning as much as 50% of the brains 200 billion neurons.11 And which brain structures ultimately receive the bulk of that pruning has great impact on development. If you scream at your children, you repeatedly activate structures in the limbic system like the amygdala and the hippocampus structures that regulate flight or fight reactions. Repeated activation tells the brain that the environment is not safe, thus a maximum amount of interconnecting neurons in these areas must remain intact. Because pruning has to happen, neurons will be pruned from structures like the frontal cortex where higher-order functions tend to be regulated. Thus, screaming at your kids works to impair their intellectual and emotional development by forcing the brain to retain neurons in the limbic area where they are most needed. Commit to finding alternative ways that do not cause this kind of damage.

Practice: Make it a practice to find ways to let your children know that you are a safe person to be with, and that everything in their daily environment and experience contributes to their safety. When they are old enough, include children in the decision-making process.

For further follow up: www.hawaii.edu/medicine/pediatrics/parenting/c15.html

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9. Never, never, never hit your children

By now it should be clear that the parents role fulfills a sacred trust: one intended to safely help grow the heart, mind, brain and body of a vulnerable human being. No matter what you think, or what your own parents did that made you "turn out all right," hitting children violates that sacred trust. Modern brain imaging studies clearly show that hitting children disrupts and disorganizes the developing structures of the body and brain. The home that used to be a safe refuge, no longer is. The people who used to be the ones a child could turn to for safety, no longer are. With nowhere safe to go, and no one available to turn to for soothing and help in regulating emotional distress, the world becomes an overwhelming, confusing, unmanageable place. Anytime we feel the urge to hit our children, that is a signal we have some of our own work that needs doing. It is more likely our own limbic system that has been hijacked by some fear-based experience that our rational mind or courageous heart is unable to easily regulate. That is a place where our own conditioning and wounding live, and the place where our own healing needs to happen.

Practice: The next time you feel the urge to hit your children find some way, any way at all, to stop yourself. Count to five. Give yourself a time-out. Air-box. When self-control returns, begin examining the impulse. Start with these two questions: What was I afraid of? What does this remind me of?

For further follow up:www.neverhitachild.org

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10. Anticipate and optimize growth spurts

The brains and bodies of our children are almost always in a state of growth and change. In addition to a childs brain alternating growth spurts on each side roughly every two years, several periods of massive pruning of brain cells takes place at various times up until the early 20s. As parents we have some power and responsibility for positively affecting where that pruning actually takes place in our childrens brains.12

Ideally, in a securely attached child, navigating in a safe, organized, well-cared-for environment, as already mentioned, the pruning will take place in the limbic areas of the brain, those places where many more cells might be needed if the child is living in an unsafe, disorganized environment. An extensively developed limbic system is only necessary for survival in the wild. In secure children limbic pruning thus reduces those cells and leaves more brain cells remaining in the cerebral and prefrontal cortex areas, those areas more concerned with higher-order functions, like music, language, abstract thinking and art.

Practice: Think of three changes that you can make in yourself or in your childs environment that will increase their safety and security. Resolve to make and sustain those changes and any others that occur to you over the next several weeks and months.

For further follow up: http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/growing/childs-growth/html

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11. Cultivate and express Caretaker Face

The two most potent brain regulating influences in a childs world are faces and voices. Repeatedly looking at mothers or fathers face, and being looked back at by mothers and fathers, helps develop what UCLA child psychiatrist Dan Siegel calls Mindsight.13 Mindsight, when well-developed, allows a child to know and resonate with the internal experience of others, to see and feel what another person is thinking. It helps children under-stand others and by extension, to understand themselves. The critical factor in looking at our children however, appears to be something child psychologists call contingency. Contingency creates caretaker face when we respond directly, in real time, to the signals our children send us. If they smile, we smile back. Likewise, if they frown, we frown. Its a mutual collaboration, a reciprocal give and take that neuroscientists Allan Shore and Marco Iacoboni believe is essential for growing important mirror neurons in the brain. Mirror neurons are essential for the feeling of attunement in a child, resulting in neural circuitry releasing pleasurable endorphins in the brain.14 15

Practice: Spend time deliberately gazing into your childs face. Look directly into the left or right eye. What do you see? What do you imagine they see as they look back at you? Remember also, to smile. Smiling releases endorphins, and children will mirror it back.

For further follow up: http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2002/April/dance.aspx

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12. Be a super-soother

One primary job of a parent, particularly in the early years, is to be the external regulator of the childs internal states, especially those that are accompanied by great surges of energy. There are many ways to accomplish this, from physical holding, to emotionally empathizing, to extended compassionate eye contact. Anything that soothes your child in times of stress helps them in learning to self-regulate. Interacting with a parent who is a super-soother, provides a child with the sense of feeling felt. That is, they have the experience that their parent gets them. When an attuned parent is responsive and accurately reflects their experience of the world back to them, kids feel good about themselves. One key to being aware and accurate in this process is to pay close attention to what we see. Siegel and Hartzell16 point out the error of a teacher who cheered for a shy kid who managed to walk across a log all by herself. This response was too much for the child. A more attuned response might have been, That was a scary walk. It took a lot of courage, but you did it!

Practice: Spend some concentrated time with your child observing them and saying what you see. Do it without any overlay of what you think or what you feel. This simple response often works like magic!

For further follow up: http://childrentoday.com/resources/articles/impactwar.htm

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13. Constructively channel tantrum energy

Tantrums are outpourings of emotional energy in a disorganized way. One key to controlling tantrums is to find the source and channel the energy in manageable ways. One important rule for parents is to help children organize and understand disorganized behavior.

In order to help your child with such behavior, very often you have to constructively channel your own tantrum energy first. You can channel it by counting to ten, yelling out loud (not at your child directly), or by jumping up and down anything that moves the energy from inside your body, harmlessly out into the world.

Once youre feeling more settled and realize your childs tantrum is not about you or a reflection of your effectiveness as a parent, you can begin to look closely for what triggered the tantrum. What was it that pushed your child beyond their ability to cope? Late afternoons are often tantrum times, so consider that. Some ways to channel tantrums might involve later talking and listening to your child about what you saw happening, gently touching your child, and discussing how to deal with tantrums in the future.

Practice: Next time your child has a temper tantrum, see if you can identify the trigger. Is your child tired, over-stimulated, struggling with a transition? Tell them clearly what steps youre going to take to help them with such triggers in the future.

For further follow up: see parents advice at www.sesameworkshop.org

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Section One Reflection Questions

Of these first 13 skills, which stand out the most as you practice to become a skillful parent?

What have you learned about your own childhood that you hadnt realized before you began practicing these skills?

You are actively working on improving your skills by...

Notes ...

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If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.

~ C. G. Jung

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14. Practice managing transitions skillfully

Transitions are the intervals throughout a day when children move from one place, activity, or internal state to another. Children rarely make transitions as easily as adults do. Changing activities like stopping play to come and eat, or waking up and getting dressed and off to school, can each be transitions fraught with peril.

The first step in managing transitions is to be aware of them yourself. You can use words to describe them to your kids. Along with the words, its good to also establish regular consistent routines, ones that you can slow down to allow sufficient time for. For example, Bedtime can always involve two short stories. Baths might require washing all body parts in the same sequence each time.

Another action thats good to take with kids is to forewarn them about transitions. You can paint them a clear detailed picture of what the transition will look like: When that show is over, were going to turn off the TV and eat dinner together. Tomorrow when you wake up and get ready for school, Julies mom will be driving carpool in her green van.

Practice: Identify a half dozen transitions that are often difficult for your kids. What words might you use to describe them? How might you forewarn them before a transition is actually upon them?

For further follow up: www.atozteacherstuff.com/tips/sponge_and_transition activities/

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15. Make caretaker audio and video recordings

The role of the primary caretaker in a childs life is unparalleled. A childs brain begins orienting to the mothers voice, scent, sounds and heart very early in the embryonic cycle. Dr. Alfred Tomatis, a French researcher mentioned in Skill No. 1, and known for his work on how listening grows both the neurons and their connections in the fetal brain, developed a collection of strategies using sound recordings of mother, and/or classical music, to radically and positively alter learning-challenged childrens abilities.17 For this reason and others, it is an especially good practice to make and store audio and video recordings of primary caretakers in a variety of situations and circum-stances. We can make clear audio and video recordings throughout a childs life in order to serve a variety of functions from soothing and calming, to being able to recall fond memories at significant periods throughout a childs developmental years. Early recordings during the first 2-3 years are particularly important, since the child only has sufficient brain capacity to be able to process images and sensations during this period.

Practice: Once a month, take the time to make a short video/audio recording that clearly features the primary caretaker interacting with the child and other important people in the childs life.

For further follow up: www.dynamiclistening.com/how-dls-works.cfm

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16. Teach your children to say No!

Many of us were taught that it is not polite or proper for children to say No to parents or other adults. I would argue that a High Road No! is not only proper, but after about age three it is exceedingly important. A High Road No! is a reasoned No. Its a No that teaches kids how to use the frontal cortex of their brains. A High Road No! is different than a reactive, whiny, spiteful, resistant or angry No delivered in response to a parents request. Those would be considered Low Road Nos that often erupt with a great emotional charge on them. These kinds of Nos frequently signal a rupture in the parent-child relationship. They should not be dismissed, but rather, worked with skillfully by speaking to the emotion being expressed behind the No: Youre really angry, or You sound frustrated, or This sounds like something you really dont want to do. Such acknowledgements work to help begin shifting the relationship from the Low Road up to the High Road for both parent and child. On the High Road is where the ruptures in the relationship can begin to be repaired.

Practice: Have your child and you experiment with different ways of saying No. See if you can teach them to recognize that a No at one time might be different than a No at another. Try explaining the kinds of Nos you are open to discussing.

For further follow up: http://www.answers.com/topic/prefrontal-cortex

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17. Interact regularly with the right brain

Human brains are profoundly relational. They grow their neural connections by interacting with the environ-ment and with other whole brains.18 Unfortunately, much of western culture and parenting style places an imbalanced emphasis on language and the left hemisphere of the brain. Schools teach words and logic and math and science; workplaces demand punctuality and production and precision; and many religious organizations have rituals and structures very much oriented towards the left brain. But childrens brains naturally develop cyclically, with different sides dominant during different growth stages. In the first two years, and again at ages 3-5, and then again at ages 7-11, growth in the right hemisphere dominates.19 Optimal parenting must take this asymmetric brain development into account, with a general bias towards the right, non-verbal part of the brain. Why? Because the right side of the brain is primarily responsible for self-regulation, a strong sense of self, and empathic connection to others.

Practice: Formulate an intuitive collection of non-verbal ways of positively interacting with your children. In other words, use your own feeling-oriented brain to come up with creative, emotionally-oriented ways of interacting with your children things like funny faces, special hand signals, crazy moves, etc.

For further follow up: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Gross3.html

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18. Touch and be touched

The word touch has the most definitions in the Oxford English Dictionary.20 This is not surprising when we consider that physical touch is basic to the human experience, essential for optimal health and wellness. Non-sexual touching of our children, when done with awareness, sensitivity and respect, is a unifying, connecting experience. It helps our children and us feel loved, valued and accepted. When we affectionately touch our children, it demonstrates tolerance and acceptance. Childrens and adults capacity for touch is not a static thing. It is constantly expanding and contracting both with age and life experience. The teenager rarely wishes to be touched as he or she was as a toddler. Knowing when a loving touch is needed or when a child is better left alone is more art than anything else. At such times when were unsure, we might simply resort to asking what a child needs or wants!

Practice: Think about your own attraction or aversion to touching and being touched, both physic-ally and emotionally. What might move you to a more optimal balance in this regard?

For further follow up: www.hohmpress.com/Newfiles/books/ to-touch-is-to-live.html

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19. Be a safe haven

The number one job for parents is to provide safety and security for children. The home has to be safe, the car has to be safe, the neighborhood has to be safe, and all members of the extended family have to be safe. Safety contributes to secure attachment in children the central building block for building healthy bodies and resilient brains. When a childs home environment is unsafe, when a parents behavior is frequently over-whelming, frightening or confusing, children end up in a double bind. The bonding impulse drives them to seek out the parents in times of stress in order to be calmed and protected. When these same impulses turn them to parents who are the sources of repeated stress and fear, these children end up in an inextricable bind that researchers Erik Hesse and Mary Main have termed fright without solution.21 As you might well imagine, the brain function in such children becomes extremely disorganized and chaotic.

Practice: Identify as many ways as you can that you might be contributing to an unsafe home environ-ment for your children. Is your house messy? Do you scream and hit your children? What, if anything, can be changed to bring more beauty, order and safety into your living situation that might make it safer and more secure for your children?

For further follow up: http://www.imsafe.com/

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20. Provide your children what you most lacked

When adults are asked what they most wanted as children but didnt get, the answer often centers around one theme: to be seen and accepted by all members of the family for who they actually were. What this means is being treated with kindness, understanding and respect by all members of the family. It means having parents who pay close attention to our inclinations, talents and tenden-cies family that provides safety, privacy, freedom, respect and a sense of belonging. Providing a child with what they most need requires us to be able to deeply empathize with them. Not only when theyre struggling or in a crisis, but when they act or speak in ways that were uncomfortable with or may disagree with. Empathizing doesnt mean agreeing with or permitting unacceptable behaviors. It means being willing to see and feel what life is like from a childs point of view, of being able to have a sympathetic understanding for their pressures and stresses.

Practice: Spend a day imagining life from the point of view of your child. Whats it like to wake up in the morning at your house? What things in a day feel strange or anxiety-producing? Who are the people youre drawn to? Who do you shy away from? What is the end of the day like? How might the end of the day be better or different from your childs point of view?

For further follow up: http://www.earlychildhood.com/Articles/index.cfm

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21. Repair relationship ruptures as soon as possible

Screaming at our children, hitting them, sending them to their room for extended periods, ignoring them, putting them down, disrespecting them all these actions rupture the parent-child relationship. Frequent, unrepaired ruptures that go on unaddressed, damage a childs vulner-able, developing brain.22 Such unrepaired ruptures can lead our children to withdraw or to react aggressively. As parents, one primary responsibility is to reflect on how our own actions may be contributing to our childrens unwant-ed behavior. As soon as things have calmed down, relationship repair work must begin. Successful repair work cannot be made from an angry or resentful emotional state. Success-ful rupture repair often begins with the parent admitting to, and taking responsibility for their own out-of-control behavior. Usually such behavior has fear or high levels of stress or anxiety at its roots. From there, one useful response is to make ourselves available for what our kids might have to say, blocking nothing. (See Skill No. 25)

Practice: Think of several instances where you have felt overly reactive to things your child said or did. What fears or anxieties might lie at the root of your reactivity? Are there still raw feelings involved? Read over the three repair practices in this book and begin the critical repair work soon.

For further follow up: www.focusas.com/parenting.html

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22. Practice paideia

Paideia is an ancient Greek word that, loosely translated, means life-long learning. But not just any kind of learning. It is learning that deeply considers the spiritual or essential nature of things. And so it is with parenting. When we practice paideia as parents, our children become some of our greatest teachers and healers. Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn suggest we think of parenting as an eighteen-year spiritual odyssey with master teachers who will provide us with repeated, and sometimes not-so-welcome, growth oppor-tunities.23 Thus is the special nature of the relationship we have with our children. We practice paideia by paying close attention to our children, marveling at their capacities, shepherding their growth and development, delighting in the rich gifts they bring to our lives day after day. We practice paideia when we filter the experiences we have with our children through the light of spirit, a light which Andrew Newberg and his colleagues at Princeton University have demonstrated is hard-wired into the healthy human brain.24

Practice: Some night when you are not overly-tired, go into your childs bedroom and spend twenty minutes or so silently watching them sleep. Synchro-nize your breathing to theirs and simply be quietly in the moment with your sleeping child.

For further follow up: http://hometown.aol.com/paideiapgi/page/

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23. Essential: Limit violent TV and video games

Recent research in child development and neuroscience has come to the conclusion that regularly viewing violence on TV or in the movies, retards brain development.25 Briefly heres what happens: as the tension mounts in a television show that moves towards a violent outcome, the physical tension also mounts in our own bodies. Additionally, and most importantly, the brain begins to call for the release of the fight or flight chemicals, primarily adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol from the adrenal glands sitting atop the kidneys. By repeatedly stimulating the production of these hormones, the limbic system of the brain makes the determination that it needs all the cells contained in its various parts. So, when the time comes for the regular prunings that take place in a childs brain every few years, the pruning needs to take place in the higher order areas, such as the prefrontal and orbitofrontal cortex. This sort of pruning ends up later negatively affecting a childs development and their ability to self-regulate their emotional life.26

Practice: Watch several television shows or movies that have high incidents of violent action in them. Pay close attention to the feelings evoked in your own body as you watch these shows. Imagine what the effects of exposing your body to such stresses day in and day out, year after year might be.

For further follow up: www.abelard.org/tv/tv/htm

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24. Practice Smart Moves

Smart Moves is a program of integrated sensory-motor experiences developed by biologist Carla Hannaford designed to maximize learning and brain growth in children.27 Based upon research that shows that physical movement of the body anchors thought and is essential for integrating new learning, Hannaford first introduced Smart Moves to middle school kids in the late 1980s. Many of Dr. Hannafords Smart Moves can be found in Neurobics by Lawrence Katz, and in programs for kids sponsored by Dr. Paul Dennisons Brain Gym.28 Activities that employ cross-lateral, bi-modal movement movements that facilitate information crossing the midline to both sides of the brain and body work profoundly to speed the integration of learning. Physical movements with descriptive names like Cross Crawls, Lazy Eights, Brain Buttons, Energy Yawns and Hookups are simple but powerful exercises that can be found in Hannafords book.

Practice: Learn three or four of the Smart Moves exercises mentioned above and practice them regularly with your children. They are especially good to introduce in lieu of a time out when kids are feeling overloaded or emotionally reactive.

For further follow up: www.igreen.tripod.com/gerpe/1d29.html

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25. Accept everything your child offers

This skill is based upon The Rule of Agreement from Improvisation. The Rule of Agreement requires that one never block, never say No. No creates conflict and stifles the flow of energy. By accepting whatever our children offer us, we dont deny their reality. And instead of blocking, we can offer something that keeps the energy moving. Say, for example, your child wants to run around the grocery store. Rather than grabbing them and force-fully strapping them kicking and screaming back into the shopping cart, we can chase after them, take them by the hand and co-conspire by saying, Lets run away from Candy Monster. Quick! Hurry! Often, the child will respond with a Yes, and rather than a Yes, but: Yes, and then lets hide, so that she cant find us! This method, also known as pacing and leading in Neurolinguistic Science, teaches us to meet our children where they are, and like a talented martial artist, skillfully lead them gently in the direction we want them to go, rarely blocking their movement, rarely saying No.

Practice: Pay close attention the next time you find yourself saying No to your children. Experiment with ways that you dont necessarily say Yes, but you practice responding in ways that move both your energies in the direction you want it to go.

For further follow up: www.dangoldstein.com/howtoimprovise.html

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26. Make your kids Heart Smart

The heart is the most powerful organ in the body, generating a magnetic field 5000 times stronger than any other organ. The brains power pales by comparison. Brugh Joy, a medical doctor and wisdom teacher, has written that whether we know it or not, all hearts continually exchange energy and information with other hearts.29 According to psychologist Paul Pearsall, we can help make our kids heart smart by teaching them about the brain in the heart a collection of neurons with axons and dendrites and glial fibers similar to those that make up the brain in the head.30 We can further demonstrate the wisdom of our own heart by listening and responding to our children with compassion and concern. We can also be playful, slow down, and learn to listen for the still small voice through which the heart most often shares its mind. Finally, we can teach our kids about physically caring for the heart by modeling good heart health care: by exercising regularly, by not smoking or drinking, and by not letting the brain in our head run rampant over the hearts strongest desires.

Practice: Have regular heart to heart discussions with your children. What are some of your childrens hearts greatest concerns? What are some of yours? How can each of your hearts more easily express themselves now and in the future?

For further follow up: www.alantisrising.com/issue17/HiddenLanguageoftheHeart.html

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Section Two Reflection Questions

What changes have you noticed in your relationships with your children since youve begun practicing these parenting skills?

What conflicts have you been able to resolve since youve been practicing these skills?

What things are you curious about or newly interested in about your children?

Notes ...

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What a child doesnt receive, they can seldom later give.

~ P.D. James

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27. Help your child develop Mindsight

UCLA child psychiatrist, Dan Siegel calls Mind-sight, the ability to perceive whats going on inside others and understand in a way that enables us to offer responses that reflect our own understanding and concern.31 As introduced earlier, Mindsight allows us to see the inner workings of another persons mind and make sense of their behavior. We can help children develop Mindsight by speaking regularly and openly about internal experiences. Included in such discussions would be thoughts, feelings, sensations, perceptions, memories, beliefs, attitudes and intentions. In part, Mindsight involves teaching children how to think about thinking. It also depends largely on the nonverbal processing of the brains right hemisphere. Bedtime can be an excellent time to do Mindsight practice. Having your child tell the story of his or her day in words and word pictures, can be highlighted by you identi-fying and reflecting feelings and sensations. By asking questions about what our children are thinking or feeling, we show them understanding and compassion.

Practice: Make a time to explore and discuss an intense shared experience with your child. Notice the differences in what each of you recalls. Take the lead and talk about your own internal experiences. Ask your child about their thoughts, feelings, sensations and beliefs about what happened.

For further follow up: http://psychotherapynetworker.com/so04_wylie.htm

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28. Orient towards high E.Q.

E.Q. is the emotional equivalent of I.Q Intelli-gence Quotient. It is primarily activated in the non-verbal, imagery and feeling-dominant, right side of the brain. Western culture and education are heavily oriented toward the left, linear, language and mathematically-oriented left side of the brain. Effective parenting will tend to over-compensate for this cultural and educational imbalance.

Family therapist, teacher and researcher, Eileen Healy has identified eight interactive skills to nurture and expand E.Q.32 The first is to help your child learn to recognize and identify feelings as they arise and surface in the mind and body; the second is to foster the ability to easily talk about these feelings; next comes a ready self-acceptance for any and all feelings; fourth is an expanding ability to problem-solve using all aspects of mind, body and spirit; fifth is the cultivation of strong decision-making skills; sixth involves the ability to skillfully self-regulate, particularly in managing anger; seventh is a ready willingness and capacity for taking self-responsibility; this leads naturally to the eighth and final interpersonal skill forming and maintaining lasting friendships.

Practice: Pick one of the eight E.Q. skills above that is most age-appropriate for your child and come up with three ways that you might help them expand those skills in their daily interactions in the world.

For further followup: www.familypedia.com

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29. Disentangle family triangles

Children quickly learn that it is to their short-term benefit to play one parent off against the other. They also have unerring radar for which parent will side with them on any issue. As the third leg of the triangle in a family, children have the advantage of being able to pick and choose the parent most apt to let them have their way. Whenever stress puts pressure on the dyads in a family system, the people in the family will tend to move into less-than-optimal triangulated relationships. Joseph Chilton Pearce, in his book From Magical Child to Magical Teen suggests it is important to counter this tendency.33 It is ultimately in everyones best interest to keep the lines of communication between each parent and between the child and each parent open and active. By doing so, children receive consistent, reinforced messages about what is, and what is not acceptable behavior.

Practice: Identify at least three issues where triangulated relationships tend to surface in relation-ship with your child. You can often identify them by the fact that conflict or disagreement surfaces in relation-ship to these issues. Discuss these triangles with every-one involved and take positive steps to dismantle them.

For further followup: http://www.socialworksearch.com/research/researchjs4.shtml

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30. Learn and practice contingent communication

Contingent communication between parent and child works to positively increase neural connectivity in both brains. There are three conditions that must be met for a communication to be truly contingent: 1. the parent must accurately receive the words or nonverbal signals a child is sending; 2. the parent must be able to process and understand the signals; 3. and most importantly, a parent must respond in a timely and effective manner. A timely and effective response signals to a message-sending brain that the people around them understand them. It makes children feel seen and safe. Who our children become is in large part a result of how important people respond to them.34 Contingent communication works to help organize the brain, and at the same time it teaches children and adults how to work together, how to collaborate with each other and with other people.

Practice: Consider all the different channels through which your children might send you messages, for example: eye contact, facial expression, voice tone, gestures, along with timing and intensity of their responses. What might be some positive ways of receiving and responding to such messages be that might be different than you may have responded in the past?

For further follow up: http://www.imago.com.au/WhatIsImago.php

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31. Express appreciation often and unexpectedly The research evidence is undeniable: letting our children frequently know that we appreciate them, and the specific things that we appreciate about them, has proven benefits for our own hearts and theirs. Positive emotions affect the heart and body as much as they do the brain. Dr. Rollin McCraty, a researcher at the Institute of HeartMath,35 has conducted numerous studies identifying the relationship between emotions and the heart. The heart is in a constant two-way interchange with the brain sending roughly ten times more information to the brain than it receives. When we experience and express heart-felt emotions like love, care, appreciation and compassion, the heart produces a smooth rhythmic pattern that looks like gently rolling hills. Appreciation is one of the most concrete and easiest positive emotions for individuals to self-generate and sustain for long periods. Almost anyone can find something to genuinely appreciate in others. By simply recalling a time when you felt sincere appreciation and expressing it, you can increase your heart rhythm coherence, reduce emotional stress and improve your health.

Practice: If you initially find it difficult to generate a feeling of appreciation, start by recalling any past memory that elicits warm feelings. With practice, you will be able to generate feelings of appreciation in real time and no longer need the past time reference.

For further follow up: www.heartmath.org

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32. Aim for progress, not perfection

It would be great if our kids would do what we want, when we want them to, all the time, perfectly. But kids have their own ideas, needs, desires and dreams. Fortunately, as parents, we have the advantage of age and experience working together with the ability to learn and grow and change even as our children do. Few of us were the beneficiaries of perfect parenting ourselves, and so we cant simply transfer the ways our parents raised us onto our children wholesale. For example, my own mother would let me sit and pout in my room and stay there for extended periods when I was angry with her. This was not an optimal, active repair to our ruptured relationship. Better would have been for her to knock on the door and find out why I was hurt and angry and do her best to patch the rift. As parents, in many areas, we can do better than our own parents did. But doing better does not mean aiming for perfec-tion. It means picking areas to make progress in. Based on what we know about stress and its potential to cause damage to young, developing brains,36 if we only make progress in this area with our kids, that would have wide-ranging, positive benefits to parents and children alike.

Practice: Pick a single area of your parenting where you'd like to make progress. Write down what would actually represent progress in this area. Think about ways to actually accomplish that progress. Do it!

For further follow up: www4.semo.edu/snell/scales/mppq.htm

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33. Regularly monitor for goodness of fit Goodness of fit describes the complex interactions between a child and his or her temperament, his or her parents and the environment. Successful parenting depends not so much upon the child or parent considered alone, but always upon the goodness of fit between these elements.37 A deliberate, careful child who has impatient parents will have more difficulty than if the same child has patient parents. In the same way, two children in the same family can have quite different parenting experiences depending upon the goodness of fit in the temperaments between parents and children. Many challenges in parenting children result from a poor fit between an environment or an activity and a childs basic temperament. By monitoring for good matches between these elements, we can head many problems off at the pass. For example, we would be asking for trouble if we tried to enroll our popular-music-loving child in a class to learn to play classical music. Or sent our soccer-loving child off to tennis camp. These are two examples, but lots of others crop up every day in our childrens lives. By regularly monitoring and assessing for goodness of fit, we can avoid a lot of unnecessary strife in our parenting lives.

Practice: Think about the places where your child may not fit well. School? Playgroups? Neighbor-hood kids? What might you do to help find better matches for their interests, temperament and capabilities?

For further follow up: www.earlychildhood.com/Articles/index.cfm

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34. Ask your children what their hearts want

The research of J. Andrew Armour, a neurocardi-ologist at the University of Montral,38 Doc Childre, a scientific researcher at the Heartmath Institute in Boulder Creek, California,39 and Paul Pearsall, a psychologist at the University of Hawaii,40 all point to the same conclusion: evolutions current Great Turning appears to be manifesting by our human heart growing a brain of its own actual axons, dendrites, glial fibers and microtubules that already generate a magnetic field that is 5000 times stronger than that found in any other organ! As parents, we can participate in this Great Turning by regularly reminding our children to pay close attention to the way things feel in their hearts. Our children can learn to become friends with and become familiar with the sensory-somatic experience of heartfelt thought and feeling. When accessed in combination, head and heart together provide a dynamic duo that can process and synthesize information and make the positive, life-affirming decisions that will almost certainly be needed to address problems of future generations.

Practice: Spend some bit of quiet time as often as possible with this discernment process: follow the breath down into the belly. On the outbreath, allow your awareness to pause in the area of your heart. What sensations arise? What subtle stirrings long for expression? How might you honor what you discover?

For further follow up: www.appliedmeditation.org/the_heart/articles.shtml

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35. Repeatedly return to the high road

Having a rough idea of how our brains work is very useful in parenting. The brain can be divided into three parts brainstem, limbic system and neo-cortex. Whenever were upset or reactive with our kids, some element in our limbic system has been involuntarily triggered. This is useful to recognize as the low-road, the part of our brain that automatically overrides all rational thought and reason. When were on the low road, weve literally lost our mind access to the neo-cortex most capable of making rea-soned, effective decisions. The neo-cortex can be trained to override the reactivity of the limbic system, calm us down, and return our minds and bodies to a state of equilibrium. This is the high road. Learning to regain the high road is essential for being able to parent our kids most skillfully. Being able to return to the high road when our kids trigger low-road reactivity in us is crucial to the parent-child relationship. When we lose it and then regain control, we model for our kids the possibility of them being able to do it as well.

Practice: The next time you feel yourself upset with your children, pay attention to exactly how your body feels. Does your stomach get tight? Does your throat close? Does your face become hot? Try various ways to regain control: breathe deeply; count silently to ten; make Smart Moves (See Skill No. 24). See if you can discover what best restores your equilibrium.

For further follow up: www.parentsanonymousofiowa.org

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36. Interactively repair all relationship ruptures

Children deeply attune to their parents energetic and emotional states by paying close attention to their faces and the sounds parents make. Children are often more aware of how a parent feels than the parents are. This ability to tune into parents plays a significant role in growing the connections that make up the Central and Autonomic Nervous Systems. Through positive attunement and secure attachment, children grow up better able to cope with stress; they become more flexible and resilient intellectually, emotionally and physically. As previously mentioned, the relationship between parents and children inevitably becomes ruptured parents lose their temper, children get tired or frustrated and act in ways that would try the patience of a saint. Ruptures in the parent-child relationship and the subsequent loss of attunement become problematic only when steps are not deliberately taken to repair the rupture. We make repairs in ruptured relationships by taking responsibility for our actions, explaining our motivations, and sincerely apologi-zing for things we may have done that caused the relation-ship break.

Practice: Recall a recent time when youve been on the outs with your child. What did you do or fail to do that could have repaired the break? How might you quickly get reconnected in the future?

For further follow up: see children and parenting at www.helpguide.org

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37. Use parenting for gaining self-knowledge

Part of being a parent means becoming more self-aware. The Greek word is autonoesis. A large part of this growth in awareness requires a neurological expansion resulting in cross-lobe integration of both halves of our brain experiences and learning that resides mostly in the networks permeating the left half of the brain, become activated and redistributed over to the right half. And vice-versa. A simple example would be reading this book about parenting skills, and then employing them with your children. This kind of activity would produce maximum, whole-brained integration and awareness. Our children are always reflecting aspects of ourselves back to us. It can be disturbing when what we see is less than admirable. Its even more of a challenge when what they reflect is positive and praiseworthy! Taking on either projection will inevitably lead to trouble. Best is to cultivate a recognition that, as Kalil Gibran pointed out, our children do not belong to us. We are simply intended to steward and shepherd them along the path to adulthood.

Practice: Think about the relationships you have with each of your kids. Now think of three words that would describe each relationship. Do those three words remind you of the relationship you had/have with your own parents? What might you wish to change about those words? About the relationships?

For further follow up: www.maryhartzell.com

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38. Tell your kids stories about your life

Storytelling is fundamental to all human cultures stories create a sense of connection and belonging and they help us create meaning by understanding what happened to us. Stories also help to integrate experiences from our own lives across both hemispheres of our brains. Autobiograph-ical information, stored primarily in our right brain, has a chance to move to the left brain and become more fully integrated when we use stories to explain what happened.

Telling personal stories from our own lives help our children make sense of similar experiences in their lives. How we tell such stories, how we frame the telling as observer or participant, for example can reveal how weve come to understand our experience. Were we initiators, actively engaged in making things happen? Were we passive bystanders, helplessly caught in the midst of overwhelming things happening to us and all around us? Reliving such experiences through stories we tell our children can help us and them begin to see how our present lives are significantly shaped by our past.

Practice: Think of a story to tell your child from your own life when you were around their age. Tell about some conflict or difficulty you had. Give lots of specific details and tell how you felt before, during and afterwards, when things were finally better.

For further follow up: http:mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php/tyupe/doc/id/818

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39. Create a compassionate family culture

Life is a learning journey. Each of us will have many painful experiences mixed in with the joys and adventures. A compassionate family culture recognizes this full catas-trophe and honors it in a variety of creative ways. Parents in such families support their childrens emotional, intellectual and spiritual lives in ways that help establish an organized, solid foundation, one that will allow them to be creative and resilient as they go out to meet lifes challenges. They teach them how to make sense of their short personal histories of the world, their limitations and how to go beyond them.

Compassion involves a clear recognition of our childrens challenges and inspires a deep desire to help deal with them effectively. Compassionate actions take into account the stresses, pains and problems of our children, all the while trying not to unnecessarily add to them. For example, we never belittle a childs problem because it might seem small to us. In this sense, the Golden Rule based on the concept of compassion applies: we should treat our children as we ourselves would like to be treated, and may wish we had been treated when we were their age.

Practice: Identify three areas where your child might benefit from compassionate understanding. Find a good time to explore feelings about school, or siblings, or their peers with your child. Initiate a discussion, first by listening, then by actively encouraging him or her to come up with creative ways to address each situation.

For further follow up: www.compassionatesouls.com

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Section Three Reflection Questions

What is it like when you do things as a parent that you dont feel good about?

What have you discovered recently that you may have found uncomfortable about your parenting ability? What might you change?

What have you noticed about your capacity to care for your children?

Notes ...

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If I had my child to raise all over again, Id build self-esteem first, and the house later. Id fingerpaint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. Id take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. Id take more hikes and fly more kites. Id stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. Id do more hugging and less tugging.

~ Diane Loomans

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40. Regularly assess whats not working

Because every child is unique unto themselves, parenting often becomes an unpredictable adventure involving a lot of trial and error experimentation, a continuous series of course corrections. A central guideline for discovering whats not working and needing to be put back on course is recognizing those things that we dont feel good about as parents. They may be hot feelings of angry resentment or small niggling feelings of doubt or uncertainty. No matter the shape or the size, a parents feelings of discomfort need to be paid attention to and addressed in some fashion. For example, having a child refuse to go to sleep and demand to be read bedtime story after story, at some point doesnt work for many parents at the end of a long day. How best to address this situation is something a parent will need to assess and experiment with. Coming to a creative solution, through reading, consulting with teachers or other child care experts, or simply trying different strategies to remedy the situation is important. But whats more important is first paying attention and addressing whats not working.

Practice: Identify three behaviors or situations in your household that youre currently not comfortable with. Begin a dialogue with those involved or affected as the first step in remedying your discomfort.

For further follow up: www.chuckbauer.com/article.sap?ID=39

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41. Be a Good-Enough Parent

In his insightful book on the trials and tribulations of parenting, child psychiatrist Bruno Bettelheim put forth the concept of the Good Enough Parent.41 The Good Enough Parent is not the self-sacrificing saint who parents to perfection. Rather, they spend a lot of time seeing the world through the eyes of their children, recognizing the need for care and protection, guidance and direction. Being Good Enough is intended to appeal to reason and do away with guilt. We become Good Enough as parents by continually working to find an optimum balance between self-care and child-care, by recognizing and appreciating what is working, by being truthful about whats not working, and then doing our best to remedy things not working as best we can. Probably few of us raise our kids and never make mistakes. Mistakes arent the problem so long as we cultivate our ability to admit them, along with our capacity to correct them. It is from making mistakes and correcting them that we learn to step fully into the whole-hearted role of the Good Enough Parent.

Practice: Identify three parenting mistakes that you make regularly. One way to identify a mistake is if you would feel uncomfortable having someone you know and respect witness your behavior. What steps can you take to correct these mistakes? What support might you need to actually take those steps?

For further follow up: www.directionjournal.org/article?663

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42. Teach and model positive self-talk

Positive self-talk moves us away from focusing on problems and complaints and points us and our children in the direction of solutions. Affirming the outcomes we most desire and asking questions that begin with What can we? or How can I? keeps us from catastrophizing, blaming or thinking in all-or-nothing absolutes. Repeating to ourselves and our children I am capable and lovable, and I can be effective in this situation, tends to activate parts of the brain that help to turn these statements into self-fulfilling prophesies. Unfortunately, the same tends to be true for statements that profess the opposite sentiments. Henry Fords famous observation rings too true in this regard: Whether or not you think you can do a thing, you are right.

By modeling positive self-talk and repeatedly affirming optimal possibilities for our children, we build a foundation and reinforce neural pathways that can gener-alize across all the multiple human intelligences: emotion-al, logical, spatial, physical, artistic, musical, interpersonal and naturalistic.

Practice: Come up with a half dozen affirming self-talk phrases to counteract familiar negative things you think and say. Begin using them on a regular basis. Look in the mirror as you do. Notice any difference it makes in your parenting, problem-solving or creativity.

For further follow up: www.topten.org/content/tt.ba184.htm

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43. Deliberately defuse strong reactions

Our childrens strong reactions may come with an uncomfortable level of intensity. When parents learn to manage strong reactions skillfully, their children can begin to feel comfortable with a depth and range of emotional expression that will serve them well throughout life.

Child care specialist Mary Sheedy Kurcinka says that picking up on early non-verbal cues is key to managing strong reactions.42 Each childs early warning signals indicating that intensity is building can be unique. Some kids get louder, some quieter. Some get active or impatient. Some get bossy or demanding or whiney. One way to help kids diffuse strong reactions is to help them recognize and name their own high-energy states: Youve got gusto, Christy! You have Big Energy, Jesse. Simply telling kids whats true in positive ways often works to moderate strong feelings. Words quell impulses. They validate experience and provide children with a means to slow their reactions.

Practice: What are some of the cues your child displays that let you know intensity is rising? You may know them well, but may have never taken the time to name them. Are there specific body movements? Changes in voice tone? Specific facial expressions? Begin paying attention and offering positive descrip-tions of the things you see.

For further follow up: www.ierg.net/confs/2004/proceedings/patten-Kathryn.pdf

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44. Harness your murderous impulses

Occasionally we feel great rage at our children. Parent educator Bonnie Harrris suggests these surges of energy are not something to be suppressed or denied but rather, they are to be worked with skillfully.43

When we feel like murdering our kids, its not the kids lives that need ending, but often something in us that needs to die. Perhaps the feeling of not being a good-enough parent, or maybe the shame of our own thoughts or our behavior towards our kids.

One way we can begin to harness our murderous impulses, then, is by learning from them. We can treat such impulses like nightmares, which often show up because our unconscious has been having difficulty getting our attention through normal channels. What might these impulses be trying to teach us? What internal and/or external changes might they be demanding that we pay attention to with so large a flood of energy? Needless to say, our murderous impulses are about us more than they are about our kids.

Practice: Next time you feel youd like to throttle your kids, give yourself a time-out. Pay attention to where you most feel the anger or rage in your body. Allow any instructive thoughts or images to arise that may be trying to get a message to you. What changes might you need to make? What support and resources might you muster to help you take action?

For further follow up: http:specialchildren.about.com/od/respite/hit/timeout.htm

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45. Take first steps to repair relationship ruptures

One final time for this important practice: success-fully repairing ruptures in parent-child relationships requires action on the part of parents to restore intimacy and strengthen resilience. We cannot simply ignore such ruptures and act as if they never occurred. Repairing a ruptured relationship with our children frequently begins with responsible self-reflection. Take time to review the events that caused us to be upset, paying particular attention to what we said and did. By attending to our own tone of voice, body language, or any anxieties we werent aware of at the time, we can begin to take the next steps, make contact, explain what happened and apologize for our actions that took place on the low road of limbic hijacking. Knowing that their primary caretaker can be relied upon to do the work required to repair a ruptured relation-ship contributes significantly to establishing a safe haven and helps to form a secure attachment bond for the child.

Practice: What emotional hot buttons do your children easily and repeatedly trigger? What are the thoughts and feelings, fears and concerns underlying them? What in your own personal history might be trying to come to some resolution?

For further follow up: http://www.word-power.co.uk/catalogue/0091884195

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46. Engage regularly in reflective dialogue

Reflective dialogue is a kind of contingent verbal communication which Daniel Siegel identifies where a parent actually talks to their child about the nature of his or her mind.44 Related to Mindsight, such discussions involve speaking about thoughts, feelings, memories, sensations, attitudes, beliefs and intentions. Siegel suggests parents remember the factors below, or put them on a list and remember to talk about them on a regular basis: ~ Collaborative communication: sharing non-verbal signals such as eye contact, facial expressions and voice tone ~ Reflective dialogue: talking with kids about thoughts, feelings, perceptions, memories, sensations, attitudes, beliefs and intentions ~ Repair: reach out to a child after a misconnection ~ Emotional communication: accept and share both the child's positive and negative emotional states and help the child regulate his or her emotions ~ Coherent narrative: delve into one's past to better understand oneself and one's children.

Practice: Pick one of these aspects of communi-cation and focus on it for a week in your interactions with your children. Mealtimes present good opportun-ities for such discussions. What differences do you notice in their behavior as a result? In your own?

For further follow up: http://www.andrews.edu/~freed/MetaphorsOnlinel.pdf

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47. Take special care during stressful times

In Beautiful Boy, the song John Lennon wrote to his newborn son, Julian, he said, Life is what happens to you while youre busy making other plans. Our plans notwithstanding, each of our lives is periodically filled with unexpected twists, turns and stresses. Brain-imaging studies have proven conclusively that during times of significant stress, the frontal cortex of the brain does not work as effectively as it does during non-stressful times.45 During such times then, it makes sense to refrain from making important decisions, taking on even greater stressors, or ignoring significant evidence of increased stress in our lives. At such times it makes more sense to take special care. Such care is probably unique to each family some people may increase physical exercise, or reduce food intake, or get away from normal routines for short periods. Others may seek peer or professional counseling, get some form of preferred bodywork, or simply sit out in the backyard, enjoying the wind and sun.

Practice: What are the signs that let you know when your stress level is high? One person I know has small blisters that break out on her fingers. Another gets indigestion. Still another snaps at people unexpect-edly. Only by first being aware of the tell-tale signs of your own high stress-levels, can you begin to put stress-reduction practices into action.

For further follow up: http://sln.fi.edu/brain/stress.htm

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48. Never say No unless you mean it

Telling younger and older children No is critical for teaching them about limits and boundaries. From Day One however, it is essential that No ALWAYS means No. One of the most mixed-up messages we can send to our children is to teach them that No means Maybe, or if they up the ante with acting-out behavior, No will eventually result in a Yes. What you never want to inadvertently teach your children is that No means Yes, if you pester me enough. Whenever we tell our children No, Stop, or Dont, it is imperative that we follow through with consequences 100% of the time. If we fail to follow through, were setting ourselves and our children up for even greater stress and conflict down the road. In many instances, what this will mean is that we have to carefully pick and choose the behaviors and requests that were going to say No to. Ideally, they will only be ones that we are fully prepared to follow through on with consequences.

Practice: Pick two or three recurring behaviors that youd like your child to change. Spend a week only saying no to those behaviors, never wavering or weakening in a way that allows a No to morph into a Yes.

For further follow up: http://borntoexplore.org/discipline.htm

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49. Reclaim your negative projections

Projection is the well-documented psychological process whereby we unwittingly ascribe our disowned thoughts, feelings and behaviors onto our children or other people. The childhood saying, It takes one to know one accurately sums up the mechanism of projection: we see in other people those things that we both like and dont like in ourselves.46 What we cant be with, wont let us be. Anytime we find ourselves disproportionately irate at the laziness or selfishness of our children, or at the arrogance of our partner, a close look at these aspects of ourselves is in order. Disproportionate reactions are the tells that give us away, that indicate a high probability that we are projecting something we are unwilling to own, out onto other people. Carl Jung called this aspect of us, the person we would rather not be. These are the parts of ourselves that we have unconsciously disowned or rejected. And we can be pretty confident that with any such parts of ourselves, somewhere along the path, our kids will find a way to reflect those rejected and disowned parts back to us for reclaiming and owning.

Practice: Think about three of the most dislikeable qualities in your kids. Take an honest look at yourself and see where those very same qualities might live in you. How might you befriend them?

For further follow up: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

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50. Sidestep power struggles

Power struggles are one aspect of parenting that mostly create feelings of distance and hostility, rather than affection and trust. Nevertheless, it is natural for children to continually test limits, both their own imposed from within, and those imposed externally by parents and other author-ities. One thing to bear in mind is it takes two to create a power struggle.47

Whenever possible, it is best to sidestep such strug-gles. Some effective wa